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Eva Bozimo: The Female Sexuality Doesn’t Exist For Male Consumption

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I was having a conversation with a female on social media and she made a comment that really took me aback. She said, “Women should always be decent and shouldn’t be seen exposing their body.” “Women,” not “people.” So clearly, it had no religious backing.

That got me thinking, because I fail to understand the need for the constant monitoring of the female sexuality. Why do we have so much say about another person’s body?

I’ve never understood the standard Nigerian mentality when it comes to the female sexuality. Actually, scratch that, I do; it’s patriarchy that has been internalised from a very young age.

The Nigerian female is thought to suppress her sexuality. She is taught that good girls aren’t sexual beings, good girls can’t wear crop tops and expose their midriff or their thighs, or even wear a bikini in public. How dare she? She needs to be a good girl.

A good girl is a goal she is taught to achieve if she wants to ever get married. And marriage is an idea that has been sold to her since she was a kid.

Picture this scenario: the Nigerian lady is with her boyfriend and wants sex. She drops all the possible hints asides from saying what exactly she wants because she doesn’t want to be seen as “desperate” or a “bad girl.”

She takes off her clothes. “I’m cold.” “I just want to cuddle.” “I will soon leave.” “It’s getting late.” All of these are clues to get him to get the message that she wants sex. And don’t get me started about her expressing herself during sex. She isn’t allowed to be a freak. That’s even too much, she isn’t allowed to talk about sex. She isn’t allowed to want it more than he does, if not she’d be tagged names, a “nympho” as opposed to when a guy does, he’s just being a guy.

A woman expressing herself needs to be respected and not judged. The female sexuality has been controlled by male entitlement for generations, as if its sole purpose is to please men, and if and when it doesn’t, it isn’t needed.

It’s so bizarre when Nigerian women go to the club all by themselves looking sexy and not wanting to be disturbed by men. How dare they? How dare they not share themselves with men? How dare they just stay to themselves when there are so many men who are alone? How dare they just want to enjoy their own company without any male presence?

Men have been taught from birth that women are always sexually available to them. The patriarchal nature of the Nigerian society has enabled and perpetuated gender inequality to the extent of allowing male domination and female subordination.

The Nigerian culture has created a huge gap between men and women. Lectures and seminars teaching the impact of culture need to be encouraged in schools. Patriarchy should be seen for what it really is: a social construct, not a biological construct. Women in particular need to be educated on how patriarchy imprisons them since a lot of them have internalized and accepted this status quo to the extent of worshipping male domination.

These are only a few reasons why we need feminism. There is a global feminist awakening and we need to continue the movement relentlessly. The older generations of feminists have come a long way, but there is still so much work to be done. So much to be unlearnt and so much reprogramming of the society.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Eva Bozimo is the editor-in-chief of the life style site candid lips blog. She’s a freelance writer and can be reached for writing articles for magazines, blogs, script writing and reviews. She created her platform to raise the consciousness level of people and to spread positivity. Also to recognise the challenges we face everyday, especially in Africa.Find her on https://evabozimo.wixsite.com/candidlipsblog Instagram: @Eva.chanel/@candidlipsblog Twitter: @EvaChanel

12 Comments

  1. Really

    July 30, 2018 at 7:42 am

    I think the author of this article has mixed up a lot of issues. It is true that the Nigerian culture is patriarchal in nature hence patriarchal bias is shown by more men. However, the concept of decency has nothing to do with owning another person’s sexuality. It’s a very practical issue on perception and reputation. Its origin is usually based on religion but it is also based on biology. If the average man walks around in just pants, you wont see women salivating. They are not just wired that way. (If he was spilling lyrics however, the right words, the right song and acting like a wonderful provider, the reaction would be different.) But if a woman walks around in panties, no matter what size or shape she is, you will see quite a number of men salivate. The reality is that it is the make-up of men. They will look and they will lust. Does that give them the right to rape? hell NO. But it gives them the “signal” to think about sex. So if you hold up a signboard saying “Sex”. Why shouldn’t any one see it as a signal to offer you “your” topic of interest? So being a “good girl” and dressing like a girl who has sex constantly on her mind, are almost opposite of each other. We know that they are not mutually exclusive but a girl has to be confused about what good is, if she wants everyone to see her and think about sex.

    But when a woman is in a committed relationship, the average man (Nigerian or not) actually wants a freak in bed. However, women often feel pressured to make a good girl impression because they are still hoping for that ring (for those who are not married). I don’t think there’s any married woman who doesn’t know her husband wants her to be as freaky in bed as possible.

    • Love

      July 30, 2018 at 1:11 pm

      Gerry andnreally please help me ask madam writer ohhh,since when did exposing your breast and bum become become accepting your sexuality? Madam writer is trying to propagate a society where everyone should behave like animals and we should pretend it doesnt matter. Wait until you have a child taken to school and other spoilt corrupt kids begin to break their innocence because they come from women like you who thinks its okay to be abnormal. As long it will affect me or my family i will speak up, it becomes my business

    • Change

      July 30, 2018 at 1:20 pm

      REALLY dear, you get sense and you attended a good school, infact your parents raised you well, people like you should be the one writing not this thing here.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      July 30, 2018 at 5:11 pm

      “However, the concept of decency has nothing to do with owning another person’s sexuality. It’s a very practical issue on perception and reputation. Its origin is usually based on religion but it is also based on biology.”

      I disagree with your definition of what “decency” is. Decency is a purely social construct and will continue to be set by parameters determined by society at any time, definitely not based on religion and/or biology. If you’re going to use religion as a yardstick, then a very large percentage of Christian women living today (including female ministers and religious leaders) have fallen short of Apostle Paul’s definition of Christian decency for women, since he counselled a certain lifestyle (don’t wear men’s clothing, adopt a more modest approach to makeup/jewelry, cover your hair) that we’ve managed to cleverly sidestep in today’s church.

      If you propose the argument of biology setting the origins, that’s also untrue as there are still tribes in Africa and the South Americas where women are topless (the men are in not much else themselves) and their society never thought anything of it…. until the outside world discovered them and gasped in shock. Why didn’t the “make-up” (as you put it) of those men lead them to constantly walk around trying to grab a feel of all the breasts on display? It was never considered a trigger for sex, bare breasts were just accepted as being as normal as hair.

      And I see your point about perception and reputation…. but they are still tied into how society defines decency. Let’s be honest, women’s bodies have become so commercially sexualized that females now have to overly protect ourselves.. And I think that’s what the writer wants to address, this owning our bodies. The very same society that has prescribed these rules, can collectively change them (as we’ve changed many others), if we genuinely want to.

  2. Gerry

    July 30, 2018 at 8:42 am

    I think this issue is overflogged. If any woman decides to walk around naked or fully clothed good for her. We need to remember that we live with our choices and have to stop blaming society for the choices we make

    • Dayo

      July 31, 2018 at 6:44 am

      BN, why can’t I “like” @Gerry’s comment more than once?! LOL!

  3. YetAgain

    July 30, 2018 at 9:14 am

    This is the moment you know this writer wanted to write another biased piece blaming men again as if men are the only one’s in society…..”I’ve never understood the standard Nigerian mentality when it comes to the female sexuality. Actually, scratch that, I do; it’s patriarchy that has been internalised from a very young age.”

    • Love

      July 30, 2018 at 1:15 pm

      YetAgain I apologise on her behalf, these are example of women actually destroying the effort and genuine intent of women activist, i dont want to use the word FEMINIST because its been abused, gossshhh.

  4. Lydia

    July 30, 2018 at 6:19 pm

    What exactly is tough to understand in this post? Women like sex too,women like hard chest, strong legs etc women are very capable of being sexually attracted to men, yet hardly do you see a man being asked to be “decent” Decency like morality is relative and as such cannot be generalized. Your “decent dressing” in the east is indecent in the north. Men are socialized to believe that they lack self control,it is a big lie and a narrative that needs to end. It paints a figure of an animal and I’m sure you guys are not.

    • Aidyl

      August 2, 2018 at 9:06 am

      That is not what she said, your narrative is different from what she said. Please read the article again. I had to read it again because what you are saying is different from what she said.

      Women like sex too but can’t come out straight to ask for it right? so they blame it on society right? Please own your choice please. Society doesn’t smile on anyone who is seen to be promiscuous not just women. Men are asked to dress decently too but not sexy decency as they don’t really go about exposing body parts. Think about dreadlocks, sagging pants, wearing ripped jeans, tattoos.

      Seems we have repeated the same old bias and we are starting to believe it now.

  5. Sakura

    July 30, 2018 at 6:23 pm

    Great write up Bozimo?

  6. tunmi

    July 31, 2018 at 6:39 pm

    You and the person have issues. Which one is female? Female what?

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