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Imoleayo Adeyeri: Rainbow Baby – Getting Pregnant After a Loss
Guilt is also a factor when trying to conceive again after a pregnancy or child loss. You may feel like you are betraying the child you lost by moving on too quickly, because if the child survived, you won’t be thinking of another sibling that soon. Do not fall into this trap; it is absolutely fine to desire another child again.
Rainbow babies are babies born following a pregnancy or child loss. They symbolize hope and a reminder of past loss. It is normal to experience mixed emotions carrying the pregnancy of a rainbow baby: a combination of excitement, worry, anxiety, and fear will accompany the pregnancy journey.
On April 5, 2020, our daughter, Ifeoluwa Amari, was born silent and our world paused. As grief-stricken parents, we went through a roller coaster of emotions, and I articulated some of our experiences here. At about 13 months after a series of interventions, providence smiled on us, and we confirmed another pregnancy, leading to the birth of our rainbow baby, M.Z, in the first quarter of 2022.
In between breastfeeding, changing diapers, and exhaustion from sleep deprivation, I picked up my laptop to write this article. Is it necessary to write this article? Yes, I believe it is important and necessary to share my experiences with other women who are in this situation and those who will still be in this situation. According to the research by UNICEF, women and their partners who experience stillbirth have higher rates of depression, anxiety, and psychological symptoms that may last long. For many women especially, losing a child or pregnancy and the type of subsequent care received will impact their approach to life and death, self-esteem, and even their identity.
The process of getting pregnant after a loss, up to the delivery of the baby is nerve-wracking. the decision to conceive again must, therefore, be a personal one. You are likely to be drained on the journey. However, one cap does not fit all. So let me share lessons from my experience navigating post-grief pregnancy.
Before the pregnancy
First, you will deal with pressure. There is a high chance of subtle pressure from friends and family. Sometimes your spouse may be ready for another child before you. You will get this subtle pressure from conversations, prayers, jokes, and so on. These may come from a place of love, notwithstanding it is yours to decide when to start trying again. It is important to deliberately give your body time to recover and your mind time to heal before trying to conceive again. There are pregnancy uncertainties: secondary infertility, ovarian reserve, egg quality and depletion, maternal clock, and so on, but the best advice is to heal before going through the journey again.
Second, emotional stability is very important but often ignored. You are likely to receive conflicting advice from different people, even professionals, and you will need to be emotionally stable. Trust your maternal instincts completely. You must feel ready to manage the roller-coaster emotions of a new pregnancy and the loads of anxiety that come with it.
Guilt is also a factor when trying to conceive again after a pregnancy or child loss. You may feel like you are betraying the child you lost by moving on too quickly, because if the child survived, you won’t be thinking of another sibling that soon. Do not fall into this trap; it is absolutely fine to desire another child again.
Sex is essential to conceiving your rainbow baby. Unfortunately, your sex life will be impacted by pregnancy or child loss. The decision to make the impact positive or negative lies with you and your spouse. Effective communication is a natural remedy and sometimes, you may have to be deliberate in courting one another again. Your marriage/relationship during this period may suffer a great blow or hit rock bottom if this issue is not resolved urgently and tactically.
The role of professionals cannot be overemphasized. The journey will be longer than usual. Use the services of highly recommended doctors, therapists, and counsellors. Your religious leader will not suffice except if they have considerable experience in such matters. Let them continue to cover you spiritually. If you decide to change your healthcare provider, be prepared to relive your loss experience as it has become a part of your medical history.
During the Pregnancy
Now that you are pregnant, your enemies are anxiety and fear, and you may get loads of it. Both enemies will creep in and will likely bring you down to your knees if adequate care is not taken. You cannot escape it. Every situation will overwhelm you. You are constantly aware of your situation and afraid that history may repeat itself. You are overly careful, and your inference to words is high during this period. Dealing with situations like this and remaining sane for yourself and the growing fetus requires practical measures.
First, train yourself to be thankful for the new pregnancy journey because gratitude weakens fear and anxiety by all standards. Do not be caught comparing pregnancies – no two pregnancy journeys are the same. Pay attention to your body and, by extension, the baby. There are digital apps that can help. Be knowledgeable enough to separate anxiety from real medical concerns. This can be tricky because at this point, everything is a concern. Practice journaling so you can revisit all your concerns and objectively determine the genuine ones.
Second, find a friend or friends who listen. By default, your spouse should come in handy, however, if your spouse isn’t available or is not the listening type, find someone who wouldn’t mind listening to you, and help you allay your fears, affirming positive outcome for your journey. Support groups are also options. The love of friends, family, and social groups goes a long way to sustain your joy. Sharing and releasing unfounded worries would help a lot.
Third, use words of affirmation. Daily affirmations on positive delivery are very important during this period. This can help you deal with fear and anxiety.
Fourth, find and do things that give you joy. You must strive to be in a positive environment always. Find things that lift your spirit because. You are meant to be happy about the new pregnancy, but you will constantly battle anxiety and fear internally. So be intentional about everything you do – from choosing your doctor to your support system, how you divulge and absorb information, and so on.
Finally, but not least, do not forsake your spirituality. You may do everything right and still get the worst outcome, or history may indeed want to repeat itself. In my case, I battled full placenta previa from the fifth month of the pregnancy, then bleeding, and pre-eclampsia towards the end of the pregnancy. Never forget the G-factor! He will help you when things get knotty. He controls all outcomes.
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