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Hephzibah Frances: How Can We Let Go of Lust & Build Meaningful Relationships?
I had not one, but two unsettling experiences over this past Christmas from ‘online toasters’ that left a sour taste in my mouth. One particular gentleman had been following me since my mission trips, got my number, and introduced himself. Months later, when I was back in Nigeria, he planned to meet up with me. My usual idea for a meet-up involves meeting in a restaurant or a public space, where we can talk and get to know each other better. But this man had different intentions. He had admitted that he was attracted to me, which I appreciated, but come and see somebody I would be meeting for the first time saying an open space wouldn’t provide the kind of ‘ambience’ he wanted with me. Intrigued, I asked him what he meant, and he revealed that he wanted to at least kiss me and even alluded to the possibility of more intimate encounters if I would allow him. I was flabbergasted. What an assumption he made! Guy, I don’t even know you. What makes you think it’s okay to allude to having sex with me the very first time we meet? I found it quite arrogant and presumptuous that he thought he had automatic access to my body. He also mentioned something about me not taking him through the stages of dating, but why would I? At 31 years old, I am not available for casual encounters. Any man who isn’t marriage-minded and intentional about a relationship leading to marriage isn’t on the same wavelength as me. I made it clear that I was not interested in his version of “attraction,” and if meeting up meant something else to him, then we shouldn’t see each other.
Then came another man who shared Christian posts on his page and photos of himself praying. Our first two interactions were sensible, but during the third one, he started alluding to my body, expressing his attraction and talking about sex. I promptly made it clear that there are certain boundaries I won’t cross. While I acknowledge the importance of having conversations about sex and intimacy with a future spouse, this was not the time. To my surprise, his next question was, “When did you know you had big boobs?” Goodness! Is this the type of conversation people engage in when they’re genuinely considering someone for a lifelong commitment? And all of this on the third conversation? I couldn’t help but think that perhaps his bad character and misbehaviour were surfacing in response to my recent prayer, seeking clarity from God about whether this person was worth considering. His rudeness and the way he spoke to me as if it was an entitlement for me to engage in sex talks were completely uncalled for. I have standards, and that kind of discussion won’t be happening here, sir.
I know they say men are moved by what they see, and that’s okay. By all means, be attracted to the woman you are shooting your shot with, but please rein in your lust. If you are truly serious about a woman, discussions about her body and sex should not be the first thing on the agenda. Instead, you would want to know her – her mindset, thoughts, thinking patterns, character, spirituality, and so on. These are the aspects that make her who she is. Compliment her appearance, and tell her she’s beautiful, but there need to be clear boundaries when approaching a woman, especially when you know she isn’t open to casual encounters.
Both incidents I shared above were unbelievable to me, but they indeed happened.
If you desire a woman to respect you and feel well-treated by you, bring on your A-game. If you want a woman to feel valued and treasured through your actions, and if you want to score good points when she talks about how you treat her to her friends, then it’s time to step up and display genuine respect and consideration. Lust can be a powerful force, but don’t let it drive you to the point where it becomes the first thing anyone notices when you approach a woman. Society may have made it seem like a woman’s body is all there is to her, but it isn’t. Are the criteria for choosing a woman to be the mother of your child solely based on the size of her chest?
The next time you approach a woman to express your interest in her, let it be based on what she brings to the table. Consider her mind, intellect, character, intelligence, spirituality, and value system. Plan dates with her, engage in meaningful conversations and ask her questions to understand how she thinks. This will help you determine if you can go on a life journey with her and if she is someone you want to raise your children and replicate herself in them. I agree that physical attraction is crucial but such a significant, life-changing decision like marriage should not be solely based on that.
When proposing to a woman, please use the above words to advise yourself and come correct, different from the rest. Do not let lust control you.
I know that we’re all different people and what works for me won’t work for you. Some people are in search of a casual relationship, and it’s okay if that’s what works for you. If you’re seeking something casual, explore the internet or your community where you may find a partner aligned with your desires. My words are written based on the assumption that the men I am addressing are Christian and want something serious like marriage and family with the women they’re pursuing. If this is you, then you need to let go of lust and build a meaningful relationship with the woman you want to be with.
