BN Hot Topic: ‘Closure’ – Real or Imagined? The One Thing We Search For After A Loss

Posted on Thursday, September 13th, 2012 at 12:51 PM

By Atoke

On the day of my brother’s burial, as I was getting ready to go to church, my uncle popped in to ask if I wanted to go to the hospital to see the body before they closed it and my response was a resounding “NO!” I started crying, saying I didn’t want my last image of him to be one of him lying in a box. Then my uncle said “You need to go. For closure”.

Closure: The one thing that I didn’t get from going to see the body.

Hold on a second. Maybe I don’t know what closure is, so maybe I shouldn’t say I didn’t get closure.

According to Encarta Dictionaries, “closure” is a term in psychology which means a “sense of finality and coming to terms with an experience, felt or experienced over time” . Wikipedia defines it as a psychological term that describes the desire or “need” some individuals have for information that will allow them to conclude an issue that had previously (for them at least) been clouded in ambiguity and uncertainty. Upon reaching this conclusion, they are now able to attain a state of epistemic “closure” .

Having established what closure is, I can safely reaffirm that that visit to the morgue did nothing to move me closer to that “state of epistemic closure”.  I decided to ask around about the concept/idea/issue of “closure” and I got quite a number of interesting responses. eM said it’s something you use when you fix a weave and you don’t want to let your hair out; MiMi said “abeg, it’s oyinbo people who know what ‘closure’ is”; eL said ‘closure is for people who just like to talk and talk and talk. According to him… closure doesn’t exist.

A few months ago, I was going through a heartbreak that I felt I could get through by logically working my way through it.  I was convinced that if I had answers, I’d be able to move on. I hung on to the absence of answers, nursing the pain I felt and telling myself that I’d only feel better if I had answers. Then one day, bearing my tattered heart in my hands, I went to visit a friend of mine.  I told her that if I got answers, (and I had questions a mile long) I was sure I’d be able to heal (get closure). Then she said something so profound, that in itself was all the closure I needed. “So if he answers all these questions, don’t you think you will have even more questions?” Those words were the glue I needed to mend my broken heart. It was the realization that the power to be sad or be happy was right there in my hands. In a way, I had found closure; maybe not from where I was expecting it, but I did find a way to start moving on.

I’ve heard stories of people who were given up for adoption who have said that it wasn’t until they spoke to their birth parents were they able to handle all their insecurities.  I’ve heard of rape victims being told that if they confront their attackers, they’d find closure.  I know that dealing with emotional trauma of any kind is very hard and how people deal with it varies from degree to degree.  I’m not sure about the efficacy of time being the all-purpose balm. It works for some, and it may not work for others. Some people search for closure because they believe it is what they need to put an end to a certain chapter of their lives. I don’t know if it works. I don’t know if closure is real or imagined.

What do you guys think? Is closure an oyinbo thing? Do you have any experiences you’d like to share? How did you deal with that particularly traumatizing situation? Was there a particular event that provided you the much needed salve for the hurt? Or do you think Life is what you make of it!

Photo credit: IsoPixel|flickr.com

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  • 62 Comments on “BN Hot Topic: ‘Closure’ – Real or Imagined? The One Thing We Search For After A Loss”

    Comments
    • Laila September 13, 2012 at 1:01 PM

      I know closure is real. I lost my mother whilst i was in UK and couldn’t come home in time for the burial (am muslim). Because i didnt get to see her, i couldnt get over her death for over 1yr. 9 months later i also lost the woman that raised me since i was 2 yrs old. She died in the US and by the time she was brought home i was in town from UK. I made sure i saw her body or i will find it difficult to get over her death. An i did. I accepted her death and found closure.

      • Laila Ikeji September 13, 2012 at 6:19 PM

        Namesake. Aww. I can imagine. It all depends on one’s outlook to it. Haven’t lost anyone dear to me really but I kno closure is real. not an oyinbo thingy.
        http://www.LailaIkeji.com

    • Kach September 13, 2012 at 1:03 PM

      This is hard… What I mean, is that it varies with individuals. Some peeps seek an answer to almost anything…everything, while some just let it be and move on. For me, it depends on the issue or individual. But, all in all like the writer said, closure comes from within. Whether you seek answers or not, the decision to accept and move on, depends solely on you.

    • Marilyn September 13, 2012 at 1:10 PM

      I believe closure exists. I believe strongly in it. Like the instance you gave about receiving closure in the words of your frieend, closure doesn’t have to come from the direction of one’s loss. It might be a word, a voice, something you see… Even a dream. As long as it helps take off that load you’ve been carrying around all in the name of hurt or denial as the case may be, it has given you closure.

      • nmbw September 25, 2012 at 10:29 AM

        I I agree. Closure does exist. It’s a place you get to when you can remember the event (whatever caused the heartbreak), react accordingly (cry, or laugh attimes) but not be deterred or hampered by such situation(s). Eg. it is okay to remember the good times you had with an ex and it might even be okay to miss some things about the relationship you had, but that shouldn’t stop you from entering another relationship. That he cheated on you shouldn’t mean you tag all men as ‘bad boys’, continually drool about the past and live in misery etc.

        http://www.thisisthediaryofanotmadblackwoman.wordpress.com

    • RACHELLE September 13, 2012 at 1:11 PM

      Closure is not an *oyinbo* thing o. I lost my dad recently and even after seeing the body i could not believe he was the one. i had to hold his hands for a long time to be convinced. it wasnt a perfect closure but it helped.

    • alicia September 13, 2012 at 1:15 PM

      yeah kach , your right. either way it has to be twisted be it left or right . the answer just lies within you.

    • lilz September 13, 2012 at 1:17 PM

      The only place you can find optimum closure is in the word of God and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in you.
      That’s where i found “my closure” from sexual abuse

      • cathy September 13, 2012 at 6:15 PM

        and that is the only closure we need in life.

      • somebody September 13, 2012 at 8:55 PM

        Bless your heart my dear.

    • Triangle September 13, 2012 at 1:27 PM

      Wen I lost my dad in 2007 I was in 300L in Uni. I was called from home abt his death, he had died peacefully in his sleep. By the time I got home that evening, his body had been deposited in d morgue.
      If u knw the Igbo tradition, his brothers and sisters had to be informed, preparations for his burial and all that, usually takes abt a month or 2. My mom encouraged us to go back to school in d interim, since being at home wasn’t goin to change anything.
      I returned to sch and carried on but wasn’t myself. Went thru d motions and all that but it was on the burial day that I found closure. During d lying in state, I stared at his face and cudnt help the tears dwn my face. That was when I found closure. Not to say I don’t think of the memories once in a while, but his last memory in my head is of his peaceful rest. I ensured I was @ the graveside too.
      Diff pple have diff ways of dealing with grief. So I’m all for CLOSURE

    • saphyah September 13, 2012 at 1:28 PM

      I lost my daddy 6 years ago, i was told i didn’t get over it cos i did not see him 3weeks before he died plus i did not see him before he was buried. 6years on, i still havent been to my beloved daddy’s grave…….i feel safer not knowing the site of his grave cos i hold on to the belief that he’s just not with me physically, but he is in my heart……i dont want to “move on”. I dont want to forget him, i fear that knowing his grave will mean accepting that he is gone forever.

    • adelegirl September 13, 2012 at 1:34 PM

      I believe closure is definitely not an “oyinbo” thing. However, I also think that closure has nothing to do with taking an action. It is not the action of itself that gives you closure. It is you deciding for yourself to “close”the matter and move on. Just like you, I experienced a really heartbreaking end to a relationship and I also felt I had so many questions that if he answered, I would be able to move on. I however learnt what your friend said to you. I found out I had even more questions after we spoke, so my quest for closure did me no good. I think when we say we are looking for closure in a relationship situation by asking questions, we are really looking for specific answers to our questions and when we don’t get those answers, we have even more questions.
      There are some losses you suffer where you don’t get a chance for closure. I recently experienced a harrowing miscarriage. My baby was about 14 weeks, so I was already into my 2nd trimester. I don’t know what sort of closure I would expect in dealing with that loss. I had to steel myself, decide in my mind that I couldn’t grieve my little angel’s loss forever. Now I have not forgotten that loss or brushed it aside like it never happened. The memory will never leave me but I know that it is insanity to hang on to the sorrow forever, so I moved on, from the sorrow… Bottom line is YOU have to make that decision, in your mind, to move on…

    • Evilicious September 13, 2012 at 1:58 PM

      I lost my mum about 3 yrs ago, and I won’t say I got closure from seeing her dead body or accepting she was gone. I just committed the whole situation to God and He definitely saw me through it. I think about her everyday but I don’t weep because there is someOne greater with a far more better love than my mum could ever offer me. I am at peace with the situation because I let God take over, no one can ever comfort you like the way God does when u lose someone because He is the only one that truly understands what you are going through or dealing with. So my advice is when something like this happens just turn to God, seeing the body or visiting the grave site won’t help u move on completely.

    • kelly September 13, 2012 at 2:11 PM

      What is closure for one would depend on the individual grieving. I lost my teenage child 12 years ago in an accident, didn’t see the body nor was I at the burial ceremony but my soul has learnt to be at relative peace especially with a lot of listening to the word of God. I know in my heart that i would have been a wreck today if I had seen the body or been at the funeral. It is well, a tip to closure can also be bearing in mind that we too will leave this earth one day unknown to us.

    • Ade September 13, 2012 at 2:22 PM

      @ lilz, spot-on, absolutely correct answer. God bless you all. It is only Jesus Christ that can completely heal a broken heart.

    • Joan September 13, 2012 at 2:40 PM

      From a heartbreak point of view, I recently went through one. It wasn’t a comfortable one either (for me especially) considering that neither of us wanted it to happen, but it did. We were both angry and didn’t speak for about a week or so. Every day of that entire week, I would stalk him in every way possible: Facebook, Twitter, Email, name it. It wasn’t till we had a conversation about how what we felt in the last few days that I really felt like I could begin to move on. Haven’t stalked him ever since. Not that I don’t care, but I’m finding the strength to know that God has a reason for everything and His plan is always perfect. In simple words, I’m letting go and letting God.

      So whether it be death or heartbreak or any other kind of loss, sometimes all you need is a conversation or a great memory to hold on to. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes neither of those two will work. But in the end, ALL THINGS will work together for your good…:)

    • Joyce September 13, 2012 at 3:02 PM

      Oh Lilz u r on d right track.God is d only & i quote’THE ONLY’source 2 closure.B/c in His word & through His word u find solutn,comfort & peace(closure).

    • ephee September 13, 2012 at 3:13 PM

      when i first experienced a heartbreak,i couldnt get off it for months till i made up my mind to do away with everything that will remind me of him (pictures,gifts etc).i had to burn it all and occupy my mind by going to the cinemas and hanging out with friends.it was really tough for two years o get over an ex coz he was my first and only then.even if i still communicate with him peacefully,my feelings has been diverted to my baby coz she is all av got after God.Men will always leave u, hurt you but ur child is urs 4 life.i found closure in believing in myself and moving on

    • Yellow sissy September 13, 2012 at 3:13 PM

      I’m going through a lot right now and I really don’t know If I should say I look to getting closure. Taking each day at as it comes who knows, like you I may find it in the weirdest place. My advice is prayer though

    • shay shay September 13, 2012 at 4:02 PM

      I kept thinking I needed closure to get over my ex… and what I was trying to ‘get over’ was more of anger, regret, et al. We don’t speak and it’s a first, as I am friends with ALL of my ex’s but him. I have had a few other ‘relationships’ after him, and when i think i have moved on, I think of him and all this blood rushes to my head like arrrgh. I decided I wont be mad anymore, not that I forgive him but for me to move on without him occupying precious space in my head. For me, the decision to accept what has happened and take it as part of the cards life deals us IS Closure. Anytime I think of him now I smile cos i realize what I have now, I wont have had if he wasn’t an “EX”!

    • AdaLemmy September 13, 2012 at 4:06 PM

      A friend dearest to my heart recently lost his younger brother, and ever since i heard i have been plagued with questions, i’v been restless, constantly thinking of why such a young person should just die, and why it had to be my friend’s brother. i even went as far as asking GOD why he didnt make him blind,crippled,in coma,bed ridden, anything but death. in the last couple of days, iv asked myself the weirdest questions, imagined all kinds of things and i wonder, if im going through all this, what must my friend be going through. im so affected by this death, anytime i think about it, all i do is cry. its really hard to loose someone. im praying i find closure soon and peace of mind, till then im in a state of depression. I pray to GOd always to give me all i need to get over this and also my friend and his family. I really need closure.

    • brandigest September 13, 2012 at 4:32 PM

      Fine absolute closure in God through prayers…..yea I know I am not more catholic than the Pope, but I am trying my best to find fondness in God
      http://www.brandigest.wordpress.com

    • GlamCandy September 13, 2012 at 4:37 PM

      it is well….cant seem to forget my elder sister’s lying in state…i remember what she looked like in that casket everydayand its scary as hell especially when i’m alone…. i wish i never had to see her in that dead state….her momories with my wen she was alive has been overshadowed by that of death…..that to me is not a very good feeling. i still prefer her live memories

    • Idak September 13, 2012 at 5:08 PM

      With all due respect to the broken hearted (broken relationships), i think the loss of a loved one is on a different level especially as it concerns closure.
      In view of that, i believe that the ultimate path to closure is comprehending that some events in life have no answers. Even your questions expose the limitations of your understanding of the happenings in life. Believers in God believe that though they might never find answers to some gut wrenching questions that lacerate their minds, that He is in control and is working for their good even in the bad events. All Job’s search for an answer to his calamities were futile. When God showed up, Job was humbled even without the answers he sought. He got something more than answers to limited questions, he got God’s presence.

    • Dots September 13, 2012 at 5:15 PM

      I think closure is real. In my own case, I need to discuss anything hurting me with someone before I get relieved. All in all, individual differences come into play i.e searching for closure or letting go depends on you.

    • LYNN September 13, 2012 at 5:20 PM

      CLOSURE MKS U DESPERATE…u end up hurting urself in e process cos u hv a million questions…i believe its all aba letting go and moving on…it makes u BITTER if u dt get e answers u want

    • Lucia September 13, 2012 at 5:34 PM

      Fine there myt really be something called closure but it depends on each individual! For me, I have lost a dad and a sister and it is not that easy to mend the shattered emotions! Till today I still have my moments wen i cry! Its too painful and no amount of closure can mend that! I have my happy days n sad days but then its not that easy when you are in that particular situation. I even have to pinch myself to actually face reality that my loved ones are gone 4 good! Closure can only come from within, its voluntary, it shouldnt be rushed either and it differs from one individual to the other! *Deep breath*

    • Ogor September 13, 2012 at 6:29 PM

      Closure does exist. For me, if its a broken heart, its the process of allowing myself to let go of hurt, and pain. Its the process of deciding to forgive the person who hurt you. When you really decide to move on with your life.
      And if or when you lose someone, its the process where you decide to stop blaming God, or blaming anyone or anything for their death. Its when you decide to set them free in your mind and heart. Its holding on to the memories..but not agonising about the what-ifs. When you decide to do this…with the help of God…that’s closure. For me.

    • moji September 13, 2012 at 6:33 PM

      I never heard of the word closure being used in this regard b4..I fnk it is synonymous with forgetting & letting go..I met this guy thru a relative, loved him sooo much, told him everythn about my life including my Ex, and why it dnt work out for us. But for 3 years, he never told me anyfn about his past, even when asked. I found out later from my brother’s friend he was in cult while in Uni, i confronted him & he dnt deny it. I 4gave him & moved on. Later I got an STI from him, he was partially aware he had it, but was ignorant of it. When i confronted him, he started assualting me, scattering d house during an arguement & all that. I ve been trying to end it, but I cant, I just thnkin of closing my eyes now & moving on..may be thats closure??

      • Tunmi September 14, 2012 at 5:19 AM

        I think you need to get out of that relationship, and go see a physician to treat your STI. I don’t think closure comes with closing your eyes and wishing it goes away. My closure came in the form of actually dealing with the issue (no matter how much it hurt me). You actually have to confront the problem (him and your relationship with him), let yourself feel that hurt, cry if you must, and then you can begin to move on.

        With me, I was betrayed by a family member and I just was gonna shrug it off but I could never talk about it without crying. Eventually, I just HAD to break down the wall and cry (I got a headache and good sleep) but I had to let myself feel those hurtful feelings before I could move on.

        I’m not an expert but if you could get in touch with a counselor or a professional mental health person: therapist or psychologist, that would really help. You need someone who can be objective to your situation.

    • Tunmi September 13, 2012 at 9:13 PM

      I don’t understand the way Nigerians like referring to things as “oyinbo thing”. There is nothing that is an “oyinbo” thing. The sad part is that those things we call “oyinbo” things are things we don’t understand or just don’t bother to learn, and most of them fall under mental health or sexuality. Suicides and depressions are not “oyinbo” things and they are found in every single culture. Stop labeling things “oyinbo” things, it doesn’t help those who are living with it in Nigeria.

      Closure is real and crucial to one’s mental health.

    • Tolu September 13, 2012 at 9:58 PM

      closure isn’t an oyibo thing. I’ve never met my mom. No one is willing to explain what went wrong. She isn’t dead. Yes i feel hurt, rejected and unloved. And for me, closure would probably be achieved when she’s able to explain her side of the story.

      • Mandy September 14, 2012 at 4:00 AM

        If she is alive and you know who she is then I encourage you to reach out to her.

    • Franca September 13, 2012 at 11:49 PM

      my closure came with time…my ex left me for someone 8 yrs younger after we have paraded each other to friends and family that we were in a committment. time wasn’t on my side. i was already 32 yrs old. the shame..the shame…the shame. words can’t express the shame that comes with having to tell everyone who asked of him that we were no longer together. to make matters worse, none of his relatives who called me iyawo wa etc were anywhere to be found. his mother especially who always called me, and whom i always bought the same thing i bought my mom never even bothered to ask how i was doing. i called her, she never picked up. it was the utmost betrayal. not just from him but from his entire family. i understand they can;t love me more than they love their son but i just never imagined an abrput “cut off” by the same folks who earlier professed so much love for me. so with this huge blow that i was dealt came unending questions with no answers. but over time when my health started to deteriorate as i starved for answers, i for the sake of my family created closure for myself. Tunmi is right in saying Closure is real and crucial to one’s mental health.

      • Tunmi September 14, 2012 at 5:14 AM

        oh my goodness, that’s horrible. I know saying that doesn’t help but wow. I am sorry you had to go through that (yes, that also doesn’t help). Have you tried seeing a counselor, therapist or some professional in the mental health area? That must have been painful. You will get through this, it just might take a while given Naija’s marriage culture. I recommend reading Bimbo Akintola’s interview, it’s somewhere on BN—it may help brighten your day a bit.

        I do wish you the best of wishes.

    • iamfascinating September 14, 2012 at 6:50 AM

      Closure will happen by God’s grace and time.There’s really nothing we cant surmount. All of us are stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

      http://www.thestunninglady.blogspot.com

    • iba September 14, 2012 at 8:03 AM

      i think its a relative concept. people take and see death and indeed the closure concept in different ways. i find my peace and rest in God’s promises for me. i lost my brother some years back and i was far away while it was decided he should be buried in the country he died. he was a young man. so i didnt get to see his body. but i have closure, i dealt with it cried out and read my bible, spoke with my parents who were there with him while he was gone.
      that was enough for me. i still say to myself i’d visit that country and maybe go to the grave but i dont see that happening anytime soon. i have closure already i must add and even if i went to his grave side 20years from now, it would only be to see the spot he was laid not for closure sake…. each to their own on this issue

    • Melody September 14, 2012 at 9:21 AM

      Closure is within you, i had to walk out of a relationship and that really hurt i thought i would get closure from outside or friends but after everything i healed from within, i just told myself to let go and prayed to God and i was healed.

    • Kem September 14, 2012 at 9:46 AM

      Closure is different for different people. Though painful as situations might be, I find my closure in God through prayers. He provides the answers through His words & sometimes through revelations to me. I once dated this guy who after 3months of our relationship started acting funny (comes up with complaints, unforgiveness, rude talk to me, etc), i kept asking questions around what is happening to us, i kept pleading & apologizing for what i do & did not do, yet no answers untill i took it to God in prayers. He revealed to me that the guy wasnt true to me. amidst that, i went to his house to ask for a 2nd chance which he agreed but the change never came and i decided to move on with my life instead of being in an abusive relationship, and that was when my closure came (though with tears sometimes) It was later on that my brother told me he caught him in his house with a babe, this came as a confirmation to the revelation i had but by then i had already moved on. So people of God, be it death of a loved one or a heartbreak, your closure will come from God when you hand d situation over to Him & also decide within u to let go & let God. Shallom!!!

    • pretty me September 14, 2012 at 10:04 AM

      Yeah closure is real.i get mine by crying it out in my closet(with headaches to follow) and den i pray and ask God for comfort.

    • deedee September 14, 2012 at 11:41 AM

      Closure is real, but i think its still so difficult to come to terms with it. Yes, time heals but the scars still remain. Ultimately, closure work differently for different ppl and varies from situation to situation. Whatever the case, look up (unto God)

    • Asakeismyname September 14, 2012 at 11:55 AM

      my ex broke up with me for no reason… I was so desperate for closure because I felt I needed it to move on with my life, but the reality is that I just did not want to let go and i strongly believed he was going to come back to me… he made it clear he wasn’t willing to give me closure by his behaviour… It was so bad that I will run into him at parties and he will promise to call me which never materialised… I made a lot of effort to keep things civic between us because I stay friends with all my Exs but after the reception i got from the 2nd attempt, I stopped trying… closure would have really helped me understand how someone can go from loving me to not being able to bear to hear my voice… he said it was too painful which is probably BS. 9 months later I have finally moved on, saw him a few weeks back at a party… just said hello & cut his small talk short and kept it moving. no animosity neccessary but hello & bye is just better for everyone at this stage I suppose.

    • miss AWEsome September 14, 2012 at 5:43 PM

      Closure is ONLY, i repeat ONLY gotten when you KNOW the person has gone to be with the lord, the person is not gone forever but you’ll meet again in heaven. it’ll just be like they travelled. its ok to cry and miss them but they are not lost. stay blessed

    • feelitx September 15, 2012 at 10:13 AM

      The day closure came was when I told myself: Let me go out there and die alone.
      Closure comes the day you face up to all the pain, hurt, betrayal et al, look them in the eye and say you have no more power over me.

    • Stels September 15, 2012 at 3:38 PM

      Lost my mum 5years ago i couldnt get over it cos i didnt get to see her before and even after she died and was buried i was depressed and went through a lot trying to get over it but once i embraced the word of God i was able to get closure and get over it…. Closure workssss

    • hawtmom September 16, 2012 at 4:34 AM

      its in human nature to be curious,the world is filled with unanswered questions. finding out what really happened like in the death of a loved one,not getting d job u were almost sure of ,divorce or betrayal wont make us accept the pain better. its better to just let things go without scrutiny sometimes…

    • Cesc September 16, 2012 at 9:56 AM

      By letting go and committing the situation to God we can get closure.. I learnt that wen i decided to let go of the pain of losing a 5 year relationship and committing the pain to God … only then was i able to find peace and move on… All the crying, all the questions in the world, all the analysis of how and why things went wrong couldnt give me closure…God is very key in situations of hurt, loss and pain.

      • Martha September 17, 2012 at 12:59 PM

        I also believe that by giving it all to GOD we can get closure, i lost my dad feb8th 2011 and by may 3rd 2011 my mum died as well…….i saw d bodies before they were taking to the morgue, on d burial day i also saw both bodies……! it was very hard. am christian and i believe it was through GOD i was able to move on.The pain is still there but its ok, i can manage it now.

        • Lilly September 21, 2012 at 12:26 AM

          I’m so sorry for your loss Martha. It’s heartbreaking when one losses a parent not to talk of loosing two parents within a month. I pray that you’ll have the closure you need. This one will require giving ALL to God and reading the Word of God. That will strength you and encourage. In the book of of Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit”. He’s always there with you in the good and bad times. Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Remain Blessed…xoxoxo

    • Madge September 19, 2012 at 2:42 PM

      I’ve been talking to this guy for so many months and the day we finally met,one thing led to the other and we had sex.it felt right cos we had talked about getting into a serious relationship.the next day he returned to his station and started acting funny immediately.won’t pick my calls,won’t respond to my chats and I feel deeply hurt and disappointed at myself.now,I don’t even want him anymore if he decides to come back but I can’t stop thinking about the issue and it hurts most that I don’t know what happened for him to have behaved that way.I feel like if I can get him to say what went wrong it will give me the closure I need to move on cos each time I remember I feel hurt all over again.what do I do ?

      • Lilly September 21, 2012 at 12:16 AM

        Madge my dear, i understand that you are hurt BUT you are giving him control over life. You have to let it go. forgive him and move on. When you forgive him, You will have control over life. try as much as possible to forget him by been busy, doing the things you love to do, smiling, hanging out with friends…anything that will make you forget him. DON’T LET HIM HAVE POWER OVER YOU!…xoxo

        • Martha September 21, 2012 at 10:27 AM

          Amen. Thank you so much Lilly. God bless you.

    • Lilly September 21, 2012 at 12:10 AM

      ” It was the realization that the power to be sad or be happy was right there in my hands”. which is true. I don’t believe in closure. Because to be sad or happy is always the state of mind NOT actions. I have been a victim of sexual abuse from the “so called family friends” and i didn’t have to see them and ask why this or that BECAUSE I had FORGIVEN them and that allowed me to move on with my life.
      It’s all about FORGIVENESS, THE WORD OF GOD. Which we ALL have the POWERS in our hands.

      • Martha September 21, 2012 at 10:00 AM

        Thank you so much Lilly. Whatever my lot, Thou have taught me to say it is well with my soul. God bless u.

        • lilly September 25, 2012 at 8:33 PM

          you are highly welcomed my dear. It’s well!!!

    • nmbw September 25, 2012 at 11:13 AM

      I agree. Closure does exist. It’s a place you get to when you can remember the event (whatever caused the heartbreak), react accordingly (cry, or laugh attimes) but not be deterred or hampered by such situation(s). Eg. it is okay to remember the good times you had with an ex and it might even be okay to miss some things about the relationship you had, but that shouldn’t stop you from entering another relationship. That he cheated on you shouldn’t mean you tag all men as ‘bad boys’, continually drool over the past and live in misery etc.

    • Alladdin September 25, 2012 at 11:23 PM

      i believe closure exists as i had lost a close friend i met @ d university while stil in school. his death came as a total shock 2 us as he was shot on his way 2 work by thiefs. i remember going to his house 2 visit his siblings and not meeting him there. i remember d sleepless ngts i had cause i cudnt come 2 terms wiv d fact dat he was gone. but i found closure one day while sleeping and in a dream he came 2 me and we chatted about alot of fins. his sudden departure and wat he was doing @ d other side. suprisely he already had new friends and he was doing realy gud where he was. that dream was a big closure 2 me as i understood that my friend who was gone 4rm me was doing better where ever he was. i woke 4rm that dream and moved on wiv ma life. even duo his death stil hurts me till date. i had found closure that he was doing gud wherever he was. and that i needed 2 move on and continue wiv ma life. closure 2 mi is real.

    • fairweatherfriendnot September 28, 2012 at 6:51 PM

      i just lost my mummy 14days ago… its just 2 difficult,i cant cry enough, i have kids 2 look after, so i can break down. i am in a lot of confusion, i just don’t understand it. My mum just left my house exactly 1 month to her passing back to Lagos. I just can understand how this happened so fast, why this even had to be..We had plans, she, me, my sisters and brother. It has been my delight to take care of her, spoil her silly, have her come around as my children grow older, learn some more things from her as dad had passed away 3 yrs ago. Kai, she was still very young..
      Looking for answers, i cant even say i am looking for closure as i am not ready yet…am not even there yet. In fact, i will not look at her lying in state.
      Whatever happened?? she was very close to God, very faith filled..
      “Why” would have been my question, but am too dumbfounded to ask.. I just want her to show up and tell me, reassure me, even though my sister says she has seen her in a trance. I just want my mummy back.
      Alas, i conclude this world is nothing, we are passengers in this world, and this life is surely not in our hands. I say and understand even more this statement..”Let the will of God be done in our lives”.
      My only consolation is that she is surely in a far better place bitter as it is for me.

    • fairweatherfriendnot September 28, 2012 at 6:52 PM

      *cant

    • folashade. September 28, 2012 at 11:09 PM

      I can’t explain if it exists but I have a heartbreak that did not involve dating it was more of an intimate friendship of which I refused to ask were it was leading after 6 months of close friendship. But I haven’t healed since and this nov. Will make a year since our friendship ended. After telling him and his reply was negative. My opinion is one shld be sure if ure healed and want to give it a try again. Be ur self and its ok to cry sometimes, we are all human. But some pain leave a scar on the heart

    • tolu October 5, 2012 at 3:08 PM

      closure is real. i lost a very dear person sometym bck nd one of d things dt made me find closure was rmbrin wat my bro sed to me as he hld me cryin on ha burial day. dt i shud jst imagine she travelled to d uk for summer nd wasn’t bck yet nd not to think of ha dead. i still imagine dt sumtyms and it jst doesn’t hurt dt much