Are You The “Michelle” To His “Barack”?

A smart man is smarter and greater when he marries a smart woman” -Funso Adegbola

Recently, my friend said  “I don’t like all girls, these days. They’re all funny. They complain about how boys want women to be like Michelle but then attack the boys for not being like Barack. They’re never content. They’re always fantasizing about their ideal men. Why can’t they build these men up? Why can’t they inspire these men to treat them like Princesses?”

I took in her message merely adding “I don’t take all these things serious. Talk is the cheapest thing in the world. Everyone can talk and everyone will talk”.

Barack and Michelle are the quintessential couple. He’s the most powerful man in the world and is a symbol of the fact that the world is evolving to a level where the idea of a black man running the show on a political level doesn’t seem absurd. He captured our hearts while running for the Presidency in 2008. His campaign was the symbol of cool, as seen with his use of the power of celebrity culture. He sparked an interest in politics that the global recession and George Bush had annihilated.

By his side, his wife Michelle complemented him. She fulfilled the stereotype of the strong black woman who is smart, pretty and clever in a way that didn’t leave one wondering why our women tend to be bitchy but inspiring. She worked as hard as her husband on the campaign trail and played a key role in ensuring his ascendancy to the White House. So much so, that so many people believe she’s the more charismatic and powerful Obama.

Whilst Barack was criticized for not being “black” on the basis that by growing up in Hawaii with his white mother and her parents, he had not encountered some of the struggle the blacks have become synonymous with, Michelle dispelled all that and she helped create an air of relativity with the naysayers. She had grown up in a predominantly black area in Chicago to a not so rich family and had been able to earn for herself an Ivy League education at Princeton and Harvard.

There’s a story that relates to them  that has gone viral  that goes as follows: One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn’t too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president’s secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, “Why was he so interested in talking to you.” She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her. President Obama then said, “So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant,” to which Michelle responded, “No. If I had married him, he would now be the President.”

Whilst I doubt the validity of the story, it relates to a larger point about the Obama’s relationship. Barack and Michelle came in contact with each other in the summer of 1989 when the Chicago law firm she worked for asked her to mentor their new Summer Associate (Barack).  A relationship that would ultimately consummate in marriage blossomed.

This illustrates a larger problem in the average Nigerian’s psyche. The Nigerian lady does not want to speak or possibly entertain the thought of the man she sees as ‘beneath’ her. Michelle saw some potential in Barack regardless of her temporary superiority. She didn’t think she was too good for him because he was her subordinate. She realized that the superiority was insignificant in the grand scheme of things and was able to rein it in and influence her man to the heights he has risen to. That’s not to say we shall hold her accountable for all of her husband’s achievements.  We can be incredibly shortsighted and fail to take cognizance of the wider picture.  “How much money does he have? Would he buy me Brazilian weave and Gucci bag? Does he have an iPhone or Blackberry?”

We disregard future prospects for the short term. What we forget is that a lot of these factors have little or no relevance in the long run. Perfection is being sought forgetting that the very idea of humanity is to strive for perfection whilst keeping in mind that it is a rarity. We’re concerning ourselves with getting A*’s and A’s without doing the hard work required to get those high grades. Perhaps, our generation would be greater if we decided to focus on more supporting and complementing instead of obsessing finished commodities that are nowhere to be found.

223 Comments on Are You The “Michelle” To His “Barack”?
  • person pikin November 12, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    So the question is how would a good lady be the ”Michelle Obama” to this generation of men that are not so different from randy he-goats on heat?

    • Jah November 12, 2012 at 7:24 pm

      Gidi Gbosa!!!

    • Purpleicious Babe November 12, 2012 at 9:34 pm
    • Nnenna November 12, 2012 at 11:02 pm

      OOOOO WHERE IS THE LIKE BUTTON WHEN U NEED IT! I efuse to drop my proper comments if not na dissertation i go write… cheers!

    • Iphie November 20, 2012 at 2:45 pm

      lol.

    • Watcher November 24, 2012 at 8:35 am

      Very instructive and helpful comment.

      You don’t seem interested in the question raised, just in propagating your vehemence towards men.

      Take a step back, read the article again, and rethink the question that is being asked. Are you able, capable or willing to evolve into a higher type of woman?

      A helpmeet?

  • hmm November 12, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    Great piece. I concur with most of what you said, but you should note that it goes both ways. How do you convince the nigerian girl that the man will remain with her after she has nurtured him to his full potential? I’m sure you’ve heard stories on how a man finally makes it to the top and suddenly leaves his wife or long suffering girlfriend for ‘fresh meat’. Girls avoid this risk by going for those who r already made.. or at least made to an extent. That way, if the guy leaves them eventually it wont be a total lose-lose situation.

    • John November 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

      I read all the comments here and one statement I kept hearing from the ladies over and over was “How do you convince the Nigerian girl that the man will remain with her after she has nurtured him to his full potential”. Well, to respond to that, there is no 100% guarantee that the man you have nurtured would stick around. However, a woman, just like a man picks a mate based on shared common values, among other factors. One of those common values I hope is trust. No woman willingly picks a man they don’t trust and no man picks a woman they equally don’t trust. Whether both partners stay through to their word is another story. A man never worries if the girl he has picked as a mate and maybe invested in by paying her school fees or supporting her family in times of need would stick around when she is fully nurtured. So what I’m trying to say is that Nigerian women should not go into relationships wondering if the man they want to nurture will stick around. You should already have done this before going into relationship with them.

      • Non professional opinion November 12, 2012 at 6:55 pm

        John I feel what you are saying, and I agree that trust is ever so important and life has no guarantees. However, ladies are cautious because a lot of us have personal stories of long suffering aunties who got dumped.
        When you look at a lot of self- made guys in town, “the making” seems to coincide with cutting Old Mrs loose for something shinier. And even if she is still in the picture her role is purely ceremonial as everyone knows the mistress he bought the flat in Mayfair for.
        Admittedly, I didn’t make my husband, but I’m still his Michelle because I add to him everyday in everyway and the C of O’s and Shareholdings reflect that.
        So while I agree that we must trust I would also say ” Cars parked at owners risk.”

      • hello August 15, 2013 at 10:44 am

        i see alot of people talking about potential. we must be careful to make sure we do not fall in love with the potential we feel the man has because if he never reaches that potential we would forever be disappointed and feel like we were played. also be careful cause these days there are alot of gold digging men. and they always come across as men with potential. so shine ur eye

    • Purpleicious Babe November 12, 2012 at 10:52 pm

      Yelz…..i concur…

      I think what might have brought Michelle to Obama is deeper than what the author just discussed…despite my agreement.

      I think women of insight/virtuous qualities are willing to go the extra mile with MEN that show thorough insight and actions.. Men that know what they want and are not intimidated by status WHY? because they recognise greater things are present within them and a woman with great attributes has the potential to help them to fulfill purpose more than they could envision. Besides, they are able to recognize a woman with greater in depth and intellect.

      All I can say it works both ways……

      I am pretty sure BARACK showed more than just being a subordinate /junior and Michelle was not in the least bothered about his status because what was behind his brains and dreams SOLD it out for her….
      So technically, a great mind will most likely attract his/her own (my theory).

      To be fair, they are both working in a law firm so its not that bad i.e. him being lower than her (its procedures most times), sooner or later Barack would have worked his way up. I think people in the western world tend to overlook situations like that, they are more open minded.

      Note: A woman that is unable to see beyond what the man is now means the DUDE aint working hard on himself @ll or doing it right but then again maybe the woman also lacks impatience to see the BIGGER PICTURE or it wasn’t meant to be.

      Either way, life is a learning process MOVE ON and find your square root.

      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

  • Mz Socially Awkward… November 12, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    But… Nigerian men tend to prefer women who they can buy Gucci bags and brazillian weaves for, instead of going for that budding partner in a Law Firm who can buy her own weaves/designer bag, and more crucially, has the intellectual and emotional capacity to support their husband’s ambition.

    Or wouldn’t you agree, dear writer? I’ll give you a factual example – friend of mine was dating a “typical Nigerian” fella who didn’t have as good a job as she does and my friend happened to own her own house, car, etc. All gotten respectfully through her own hard work and some help from her family, I should say. Anyway, one day they had words and before she could say “what da?!” the words had escalated to the point where said fella started hurling insults at her, which included the following statement – “only God knows how you’ve prostituted to get this house, job and everything in your life”. Girlfriend totally did not see that coming but in retrospect, we can see the usual Nigerian man’s thinking pattern at work. Needless to say, he recanted and begged for her forgiveness later on but they’re no longer an item.

    So I guess what I’m trying to ask you is how many Nigerian men would you think would have met Michelle the way Barak did and fully accepted her as potential wifey?

    • Franka November 12, 2012 at 5:21 pm

      Well said. let’s face it all the potential michelles are single today cos there aren’t enough potential Baracks out there. my friend’s ex left her, a 32 yr old successful ivy league private banking VP in New York for a 25 yr old law student,who depended on him to buy her coach bags and cheap southwest tickets to visit him cos the chic was dead broke. she wasnt even in a decent law program but my friend’s ex’s ego needed to date-down to feel like a man in charge. See a potenial Barack wouldn’t make such dumb move…a potental Barack sees a spouse as an equal not someone you spend on to make you feel like the king of the relationship. some men just can’t stomach the idea that a woman can hold her own.

    • nnenne November 13, 2012 at 1:03 am

      Well said! I have been there – called a prostitute for my hard earned salary through hard work and solid education by my not so well off boyfriend! He is history anyway!!Nigerian men like women who can provide for them but in the grand scheme of things they have no desire to be with these women. They feel they cannot exercise the level of control they want over these strong and independent women. Granted most women want the so called finished product, but the culture in Nigerian has enhanced this. If Michelle was a Nigerian girl and eventually married her poor junior partner, her parents would have mourned the loss they sustained in training the “foolish girl” who went and married beneath her. I know a guy in my village who had nothing but loved this girl who he spent his little money on. Come Xmas, he went to formally introduce self to parents but he was denied because her dad said, she must “marry a boy with a jeep like umu Njoku”. The girls are egged on by materialistic parents driven by materialistic and vain culture. The boys also want to impress mummy and daddy who insists that their careers as politicians and village big wigs must be maintained or uplifted by marrying a girl from a family of equal status or even better than them. If boys bring home an independent/accomplished lady, their parents worry about their son’s ability to show his virility, male dominance in his home et al and Mummy will go the extra mile to ensure this does not happen. If he brings a little girl with nothing to her name, they ask, “onye bu nna ya” – who isher father which basically is asking if they have any financial clout!

      We all have encouraged this menance – the young girls and boys, the parents and the society as a whole.

      • kainji November 13, 2012 at 6:01 pm

        Funny. I love the “umu nwa Njoku” line. I don’t agree with the equal partner mentality though. Too much wahala. For my mind, wife = COO, husband = CEO.

    • Jatropha November 19, 2012 at 11:51 am

      Your analogy is quite implausible.

  • nuella November 12, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    lets play another game….say is he the Barack to our Michelle?

    • Chattyzee November 12, 2012 at 3:46 pm
    • Gimmer November 12, 2012 at 5:14 pm

      7 gbosas to you

    • arewa November 12, 2012 at 6:48 pm

      God bless you!

    • Jah November 12, 2012 at 7:23 pm

      Dear Nigerian men,

      You make me laugh. How cute of you. Listen, you cannot be a dog and expect to have a “Michelle”. Stop deceiving yourselves. If you like dream about becoming a president or the richest man in the world but if you are dog, you better settle with a bitch as your wife. Don’t be selfish.

      It’s me b*tches,

      Jah

    • Purpleicious Babe November 12, 2012 at 11:03 pm

      lool@nuella..

      I like how Barack and Michelle are now brands names/household names. They are now the league to measure a potential spouse… alie..

      the question? are you willing to pay the prices/sacrifices of being a Barack and a Michelle??

      talk is cheap…

      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

  • Joan November 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Michelle & Barack fell in love when he seemingly had nothing but potential! These days, society is encouraging women to go for ‘made’ men rather someone who is trying to be a great man. We are told, “what’s the guarantee that he will make it? Do you want to suffer?” I had a friend who chose to marry one man over the other because, in her own words, “I don’t want to suffer”. To each their own…
    In my opinion, I have always seen her as the stronger one. She’s a great woman and has pushed him to become even greater. Moral of the story? Build yourself first and become such a strong woman that you can propel your man to greatness :)

    • Myne Whitman (@Myne_Whitman) November 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm

      Thank you.

    • BIODUN January 17, 2013 at 5:33 pm

      may god bless you in every aspectof your life.

    • Wallex January 18, 2013 at 8:48 pm

      God bless you for that comment. That’s well said!

    • Eve May 5, 2013 at 10:33 am

      Joan you have spoken well. May God bless you.

  • nich November 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    the american society is quite different from ours…………………….i would have wanted to point fingers at nigerian ladies…..but nobody should be blamed or accused……….nigerian economy is bad period………

    • onut November 12, 2012 at 4:03 pm

      Your point?

    • Jah November 12, 2012 at 7:26 pm

      Is everything well with you? What does the economy have to do with this? Your comment has even made me weak.

  • NNENNE November 12, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Nice article but it does not give Nigerian women credit at all…at least most Nigerian women.
    Was it not just recently that a Nollywood actor got married to an American licensed doctor/pharmacist? Do you know how many Nigerian homes today, that are sustained by the wife’s income? Please talk to Nigerians living in diaspora! We attended a wedding recently, the bride is still in school for her master’s degree, the husband is an engineer from Nigeria. Guess who footed the bill? The bride’s parents! They did not even ask for the usual bride price that Igbo marriages demand.That is just one example and there are several.
    The article failed to take cognizance of the fact that Obama after making it ,did not forget where he came from.How many Nigerian men , not even presidents will stick to their wives if she gave them only two daughters? How many Nigerian presidents will live without dozens of women…arrengees,et.al? Although, some of our women are gold diggers, most are good. Every society has it’s fair share of gold diggers. Please leave Nigerian women alone.

    • Lani November 12, 2012 at 8:52 pm

      NNENNE,
      THank you for your comment.

    • hello August 15, 2013 at 10:58 am

      i would just for once like to see an article that is calling men out. who has noticed that these days we only hear of how women dont do this. they are too ambitious, too materialistic.. bla bla bla. have u looked at the quality of men these days. i mean alot of them are below the average standard.
      the successful ones want u to lick their feets even though u are as successful as they are.
      the not so successful ones. or as u pple call it “those with potential” all have inferiority complex or are not even with any reaL potenital. so what exactly is a lady with a bsc and a masters degree supposed to settle for. presently i have a friend who has a bsc, masters and is a professional in her field and this lady is marrying a man who doesnt even earn has much as she does. he isnt even has polished as she is. she doesnt love him. its quiet evident and i doubt if he loves her. but because shes of the age of marriage and her family wants her to get married. well shes taking the loop. i can already see doom in her marriage and i have warned her but i mean what can i do. she feels if she marries a man beneath her he would treasure her. i find that extremely funny and stupid cause i know of a couple who started from nothing. now oga has a oil well and he cheats on his wife openly. oga sent the kids abroad. madam isnt allowed to work. madams job is to be loosing weight or she gets insulted . i mean with the way marriages are these days it makes me wonder why u still see some people who would encourage u to enter. as far as im concerned if i cant marry for love i will marry for money. at least if he wants to be beating me i would be using 100 dollars bills to wipe my tears. i feel it is the men that has made not all but majority of our women materialistic. most people have come to realise that the only thing a man can provide for u is money. thats all.

  • BeeT November 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Food for thot….Nice piece!

  • Gold November 12, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Very nice article…well spoken

  • Pissed November 12, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    The Nigerian woman has it bad. Right from birth, she is told her role is to serve the man. Dont do this, dont do that o, or you wont find a husband. You cant do this, you cant do that, or you wont be able to stay in a husband’s house, and you will be kicked out. The mentality has not changed, even from the educated and enlightened. So, even though I am insulted, I am not surprised to come on BN, and read such BS. You guys stereotyping the Nigerian woman, utting all of us int he same boat. So, thats all we look for in a man, Brazilian weave on and Iphone 5. The shallowness of the writer of this article, and the person that aproved it to eb published is incredible. The nigerian woman, never gets a break. So, because Michelle dated a junior at work, that is now the yardstick of a successful marriage. Geez, that’s rich. A lot of factors contributed to where they are today, and her dating down, u think is the reason they are where they are today. What an insult to Barack Obama. Potenital in a man, is irresepective of his job, or station in life. It is the qualities that he posseses, his personality. The founder of BN, didnt marry down na. She married Pedro’s son. You hypcrites.

    • Nice November 12, 2012 at 4:14 pm

      I do not know you but I think I am in love with your brain!

      • Idak November 12, 2012 at 5:04 pm

        Can we have a threesome, please.
        Not kidding.

    • kiki November 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

      GBAM!!!!!! EVERYTHING SHE SAID!!!

    • Lammie November 12, 2012 at 5:47 pm

      Oh my God!! I laughed out loud reading your post! you sure sound pissed but you made BIG SENSE!

    • mac November 12, 2012 at 6:11 pm

      couldn’t have said it better

    • Jah November 12, 2012 at 6:18 pm

      You better tell them how you really feel honey! Preach!!!!

    • liily November 13, 2012 at 1:56 am

      chei…TRUE TALK!! in fact you need a BIG HUG!!!

    • Bliss November 17, 2012 at 5:16 pm

      *Japanese bow*
      Ride on sister!

  • fademi November 12, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    Woooow! very nice piece
    But my question will always be “how can u be soo sure that the person will be worth d wait eventually?” how are u sure he is just not a weist?

  • anon November 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    Nice article..

  • Pissed November 12, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    typo, typo everywhere. sorry guys, but you get my drift. I’m just irritated with this article. Coming from someone, who has never had a man make her life easy. never bought a brazilian weave in my life. i am using a BB Torch, i paid for myself. It really ticks me off, about the unfairness of the description of 9ja women. I dont blame una sha, most of the images you put up, with horse hair everywhere, and artificial looking people, with endless parties, and displays of money and fashion. You wont see a real nigerian woman, if she walked up to the door of your office. I am yet to see an article or a post, about the joys, laughs and pleasures, day to day activities of a real Nigerian woman. Until she lives, works, and parties on the “island”, she is not worth a mention on BN. Why wont you guys put crap like this up. if you like dont post it, you read it, that is what is important

    • Slimgirl November 12, 2012 at 4:56 pm

      I am so in love with you already. You just took the words right out of my mouth. This is a very irritating article to say the very least.

    • Lady Womble November 17, 2012 at 4:43 pm

      ……I love the way you view things! Great mind that you are! Please preach!….Naija babes, abeg let’s bury all this talk and stupid stereotype. First of all anyone telling you how to and not to act is the beginning of your downfall. I’ve been there, called stubborn and disrespectful just because I have an opinion and want to live my life is such a way that I make the most impact to the world. Yes! It is easy to be a ‘kept’ woman but the Naija in me is resourceful, hardworking and ambitious. We should not ‘invest’ in a man with the hope that he will marry us…..na bribe? na business venture? Biko gimme space! I choose a man because he is not intimidated by my success and ambitions. Biko Umu Naija let’s wake up! I have been there! Where you are silenced by what society deems is a woman’s place. My place is what I make it! As long as a man loves God, loves you, has potential and is hardworking. Gbam. All this invest invest. If you like invest your life and time on a man who wants to sit at home playing game and driving your cars. Feed him. Go ahead…….but trust me love, you deserve better. I did not buy blackberry till I could afford it. Now dem don tiff am I have gone back to my loyal Nokia N72. Yes! In this day and age I still dey use telephone booth *shrugs shoulder……you see me sound like person wey send?

  • pynk November 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Hmm. you cant see more potential in a man than he sees in himself. Women should also learn that. Michelle, might have believed in Barack and probably still does, but Barack believed in himself more. So lets leave the are you the Michelle long story. If you take the shirt off your back for a man to walk on, if he doesnt believe in himself, you are just wasting your time. Believe in a man that believes in himself first, now whether that belief is ever gonna materialise, only time will tell.

    • ashani November 12, 2012 at 8:21 pm

      Gba o! He has to ”see vision” first before i help ”water” it!

      • Pd November 12, 2012 at 11:28 pm

        Lol……most of them are visionless n envious of ur own vision.

  • fola November 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    one can relate this to those ‘looking down’ on the graduates who have applied to be drivers in the Dangote firm. It is the potential that matters. Some people cant see past ‘driver’ (even though, in my opinion, I see nothing wrong with being a driver, its an honest job and you get an honest pay) If we all traet everyone as we expect to be treated then why would one look down on a driver – unless you have one and you treat them like s**t. Those who are driving today – might end up in the next 10years being CEO’s of large international logistic companies with annual turnovers of millions. The moral of the story – despise not the days of humble beginnings

  • DeeDee November 12, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    lol, that story isnt true. I heard the same of Hillary Clinton and her petrol attendant ex boyfriend three years ago.

  • Lady Jaye November 12, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    That so-called “story” is fake. I have heard so many variations of it as early as twelve years ago. This is the first time I have heard that Michelle Obama was the originator of that vignette. Mtchew.

  • cynthia November 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    @pynk u too the word off my mouth. u don’t create, pple create them self. u can’t meet a man and then make him successful. they guy have to be willing to work hard for his dream and then u can come in and help him. that is why i can date ambitious broke (someone creating his career) but not lazy broke ass. lady don’t forget urself in the process of helping a guy create his dream

    • R November 13, 2012 at 2:24 am

      God bless you for this. You better not be an “alapa ma sise” (hands incapable of working). No amount of “support” would make that work. The man’s gotta have a vision and carry you along with it.

  • Gold digger November 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Bull Shit, yes i said it……

  • Moyo November 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    Okay, personal story. I was dating my ex for almost four years. We both left nigeria for our masters in the UK. His parents are comfortable, mine arent. I got a partial scholarship, and my parents sold a lot of stuff, short of selling our house plus my savings from my bank job and we travelled. I had a goal in mind, that I wont suffer for long. I did student jobs at uni, he didnt, he got an allowance from home. When job hunting came, he didnt have the drive i did. He was applying for just anything, and I said no, i will tailor my applications, I deserve better. He got a job before me, earning below the average wage. He said dont worry, it is only for a time. Even though I kept trying to make him apply for other jobs, he just got comfortable. I even looked for job ads for him, while i was job hunting, bros will tell me he has heard, till the job will close. I continued with my part time job, and I got a job in an investment bank. Whoopie. Then everything changed. He started to resent me, for all I had. He couldnt afford to rent a flat, but a room in a house, I straight up rented a flat. I did it for the both of us, so we could have privacy at least cos he lived in a shared house. If we had an argument, he turned it to, because u now have more money abi. Everything I did it, he saw it as i was trying to show him up. I wanted to buy a car, we talked about it and he said flat out no, as if he was the one paying for it. I agreed with him to keep the peace. Lord knows I tried, I wanted to buy a house, cos i got a bonus at work, he said for what na, finally i have money i should enjoy. Its too early to buy a house. he was so against it, you would think buying a house is an abomination or something. That is when I knew, we were over. I bought the house, bought the car, and dumped his ass. Now he is telling everyone that because i got lucky, imagine, i got lucky, I now think I am better than him. mehn, my new boo is a Vice President at an IB, I am sooo happy and proud of him. I never have to fear to talk about my job, my income. We have similar goals in mind, he is proud of what I have been able to achieve. Together we are helping each other up, that is how it should be. Ladies, dont attach yourself to a sinking ship. If dating down works for you fine. In a lot of cases, it doesnt. I have found my true match, he is my mate of equal worth. So, BN, not one size fits all. the ego of some Nigerian men, will never allow us see a Michelle and Barack story.

    • John November 12, 2012 at 5:37 pm

      Moyo, you’ve just told us your version of what happened. I wonder what his version is. I honestly don’t believe you. For one, if you both live in the UK, very likely you had an easier time getting that cushy job because you are a woman. Black women tend to do better in their careers in Western countries because you are not a threat to the white male dominance. So you getting a better job than him in England is no feat. The system favors you and you are blinded not to recognize it. You have just fed into the stereotype that the Nigerian male has about the Nigerian female – unless the man is doing better than them, they have no interest. I remember a friend I grew up with, who had this cute girlfriend at the time. He got admission into a Nigerian University, when the Universities were good. When he came out, he could not find a job for nearly ten years. The girl told him she has to go marry a business man because her family needed the financial assistance. He was so heart broken and left for South Africa. He married a South African woman, who was able to nurture him until he became somebody. I remember him saying that the Nigerian woman is not worth waiting for because they won’t help you in time of need. They are only good if you have more money than them. Simply put, the Nigerian woman cannot look beyond today.

      • Moyo November 12, 2012 at 5:48 pm

        I thought this article was insulting. Your comment is even more insulting. I had it easy. OMG, OMG. Were you there when I was hustling with my part time jobs. Working in places, he thought was beneath him. I struggled through all that, put myself through uni, cos my parents couldnt afford to send me money like his. I know your type. The Nigerian man, who has low self esteem. You see a woman that succeeds as someone that shouldn’t have, and she only did because she is a woman. My brains, and hard work dont matter. I got in because I am black and a woman, wow, are you my ex’s twin. Let me guess, you are one of those types who resent successful women, cos your ego cant stand that a woman can do better than you. Your types, can’t handle a successful woman, cos you can’t match up, at all, and her success makes your inadequacies show up. I feel sorry for your sisters, daughters and even wife, cos if that is how you see a black woman, it explains why the white man sees the black man as a neanderthal. Always blaming the system and the society for his crappy life. Never standing up and doing something for himself. Your mate is black and is the president of the US. Keep slouching and blaming the system. My boo is Nigerian by the way. A VP at an Investment Bank. Your argument is? idiot

      • Ngozi November 12, 2012 at 6:52 pm

        Your comment is very very shallow. I am a young Nigerian woman in the UK and I doubt that I excel simply because I am a Black woman. Rather I excel because I work hard to get what I want. If anyone is relying on stereotype or promoting stereotype, it is you sir. Change your method of thinking fast.

      • John November 12, 2012 at 9:15 pm

        Ngozi,
        I didn’t say you got your job in the UK because you are a black woman. What I said was that it is easier for a woman, in your case a black woman to get a meaningful job in these Western countries than black men because of racial discrimination. I’m not saying that you did not work hard to be where you are. I’m just saying that the system is harsher on black men. I know from experience and I have friends and family members in Europe who have experienced the same. There are many Nigerian men in mental hospitals in the UK, who are there because of racial discrimination and lack of opportunities. I also know many, who have left their wives in the UK for Nigeria because they simply could not find meaningful work there to save their lives.

        So I would like you and others who are quick to condemn the men to recognize that though it may not be the case all the time, there are other factors at play here.

      • Purpleicious Babe November 12, 2012 at 11:19 pm

        Nice come back Moyo…. You truly know yourself as an individual and that goes a long way…

        Likes your comment….. well elaborated and it made so much sense. xxx

        http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

      • R November 13, 2012 at 2:32 am

        See this individual making excuses. Simply said, only an excuse of a human would make excuses. So the black men that have jobs have 2 heads??? You forget to consider than maybe less black men have such jobs because they lack the drive to get it done. Shift very far please.

      • atutupoyoyo November 14, 2012 at 10:39 pm

        john next time u type ur tots on BN do a brain check……..if u dont believe her go hug a transformer cos u are so freaking rude……u nigeria men and am sure u inclusive are so downright low self-esteemed that u foam at the mouth when u see a woman who can hold her own……abeg wont even justify u with further comments, just commot for road make we take breeze

      • Lady Womble November 17, 2012 at 4:51 pm

        ……John, that is not true! I don’t have a clue where your facts or thoughts come from but that is not true about the black women thing. As a matter of fact, it comes off as an excuse………*my2cents

      • Girly November 28, 2012 at 9:44 pm

        LIAR!

    • Kola S November 12, 2012 at 5:40 pm

      Surely this is a case of individual drive which is very difficult to plant into someone else. A man similar to your current boyfriend could have had a relationship with a woman who was professionally ahead of him and it wouldn’t have affected his drive. That sort of man could still have an Obama like story to tell.

      On the other hand, a man like your ex could have been with someone who was “lower” than him professionally. She would have had no effect on his drive in the same way as you, being professionally “higher” had no impact on his drive.

      Your story is good in that it ends well for you, but it does not preclude the fact that a lady can open up her options to a man who is professionally “lower” than she is, as long as that man is inherently driven.

    • John November 12, 2012 at 8:16 pm

      Moyo,
      I read your response and sadly, I am so disappointed in you. You left a guy that you left Nigeria with for the UK because you got a better job and he no longer measured up. I bet if he was the one that got the cushy job you won’t be on BN talking about your past. You also said that “you have found your true match; he is your mate of equal worth.” I bet that was the same song you sang to your former boo when things were good (prior to coming to the UK) and he believed you. You went further to advice other women not to attach themselves to a sinking ship because it doesn’t work. You really described your former boo as a sinking ship? How can you describe him as a sinking ship when he has the same educational background as you? He just wasn’t lucky to secure a high paying job as you.

      I really think that the author of the original article was addressing women like you – Black/African women who are unwilling to help nurture a man that has potentials. They cry there are no good men around when one is starring them in the face. They are only interested in a ready made man. Sweetie, don’t get too comfortable with your present condition because that could change anytime. You or your VP boo could find yourselves without a job and that would change everything. These jobs don’t last forever. I wonder what your story would be then. I believe your former boyfriend deserve a better person than you. I think you are a flake and frankly, you’re no price.

      • Moyo November 12, 2012 at 9:12 pm

        Dear John: Thankfully, I don’t need a man like you to be not disappointed in me. The fact that you are disappointed in me sef, makes me glad, cos it shows we are not on the same level in terms of maturity and intelligence, so there is no point trying to make you see the light. I sure don’t need the approval of someone who thinks I got lucky, because I am a woman and black. That, people, is the thinking process of a Neanderthal. A black woman is not willing to nurture a man, so what is the man’s duty? He should be waiting for a woman to nurture him. You only nurture a man that has dreams. You don’t nurture a man, who has no goal for his life, and who is comfortable with mediocrity. A masters degree paid for and footed 100% by his parents, doesn’t constitute an achievement, especially, when you have not been able to make a success out of all the money and effort spent on you. So, we have the same MSc, doesn’t mean we are the same. Ambition, drive, a risk taker, a goal getter, an inspiration to her future children, a man who is willing to go the distance, that is what Michelle Obama saw in her husband, and that is what I see in my current man. Baby, got dreams, he came from nothing just like me, and together, we can do anything. Who was the successful woman that dumped your ass, cos you are sure carrying a huge chip on your shoulder. U sure aint any woman’s Barack. Lol. Definitely not. So, I hope you are not waiting for your Michelle, cos you don’t even deserve a Michelle.

      • John November 12, 2012 at 9:57 pm

        Moyo,
        You resent the fact that your former boo’s parents footed his educational bill 100% and yours couldn’t. It is a theme you kept repeating in all of your thread. I see jealousy here. Is it his fault that your parents could not afford to pay for your tuition? Would it be fair to say that perhaps your own parents didn’t work hard enough and therefore could not afford to pay for your tuition in the UK? This is the same thing you are accusing him off. Does that diminish the love you have for your parents?

        I just don’t think you are a nice person and I strongly feel he deserves better. You typify what is wrong with the Nigerian female – unreliable in a time of need. Always on the lookout for who would offer them the most. Never satisfied with what they have. And will quickly switch sides when there is an opportunity. Good luck with your new Romeo.

      • Steve November 13, 2012 at 12:03 am

        Wait, you call that kind of man, that she described, a man that has potential. Are you kidding me? Seriously. A man, a man that had his tuition paid for by his parents. Fair enough, that happens, but through out, a man, a man was getting an allowance from home. That is a man with potential? Seriously, what do you determine as potential? His woman, was working part time jobs as Moyo said, putting herself through Uni, she was smart enough to get a partial scholarship in the UK (who doesn’t know how hard it is to get a scholarship in the UK. Not the US, the UK). She used her savings from a bank job in 9ja, plus parents contribution. A man with potential will support such a woman and also work, just to show they are in the struggle together. She didn’t depend on his allowi from home, she sorted herself out. That man does NOT deserve such a woman sorry. Lazy ass like himself. I see their types here in the UK. Men that cannot stand on their own two feet. Mummy and Daddy paid there way through uni, they were partying and enjoying life, while their mates were hustling through part time jobs. So of course, they leave school with a paper degree (that millions also have. MSc counts for jack without UK experience), no job experience whatsoever. I work in recruitment, mind you, and part time jobs count. It shows focus, dedication, seriousness, the candidate can respond to authority in the work place, has work ethic etc. No wonder she got the “cushy” job. She deserved it. He was happy being in the flat that you were paying for I’m sure. That is the person that calls himself a man. People like John (men that make me ashamed to be a man), will suck a good woman dry, and will give nothing in return, because they are expecting the woman to keep tolerating their mediocrity, all in the name of nurturing their potential. They look for a woman to leech on. Some desperate ones, just to hang unto a man, don’t recognise the man as a parasite. If Moyo was my sister, and she told me her boyfriend didn’t allow her buy a car and a house, that man will get an earful from me, and I will let the whole of my family descend on him, he wants to dim her shine, so that he can feel like a man.

      • atutupoyoyo November 14, 2012 at 10:46 pm

        mr john, u either no sabi english or you are just plain dumb…….did u not read the reasons she gave? oh my gosh….anyway no need to waste time, ple like u never gerrit…*eyes rolling*

      • John November 22, 2012 at 4:56 pm

        Steve,
        I came back to this story and was reading through some of the comments people left I hadn’t read when I saw yours. You make it sound like the guy was doing something wrong because he didn’t work. He was in the UK for one reason, to get his Master Degree, not to work at a part-time job he doesn’t need. His parents could afford to foot his tuition plus send him allowance for his upkeep. That is how it is supposed to be for most foreign students. If Moyo worked, that’s because her parents could not afford to pay her tuition and send her allowance. In essence, she had no choice. And she is an exception to the rule. You went on to say that she used her savings from her bank job to come to the UK. Whose money was she going to use, mine?

        So don’t paint the guy as if he has done something wrong. There are thousands of Nigerian kids who would love to attend a UK University every year but can’t because their parents cannot afford to send them. The UK authorities expect foreign students coming to their country to have money for their tuition and spending allowance. They do not want people coming there and taking away jobs meant for their own citizens. So the argument that her boyfriend should have taken a part-time job he doesn’t need to proof to her that they are all in it together doesn’t make any sense. It’s like you having money in the bank but then going out and borrowing money from friends. And from your comments, you resent him because he came from wealth. What’s wrong with sending and paying for your child education? Isn’t that what we all aspire for? I really think you should channel your energy elsewhere.

        And for you to say that people like me will suck a woman dry? Which woman? Nigerian woman? Ha!! Maybe you don’t know Nigerian women. As a reminder, the theme of this story was “Are you a Michelle to his Barack.” In other words, how many Nigerian women are willing to nurture a man like a Barack Obama if they had the opportunity? I’ll leave that question to you.

        Finally, I disagreed with Moyo because it took her four years to realize that the guy he was dating was in her words, “a sinking ship”. It took her until she got the investment banking job. You don’t call a man who has a Masters Degree and who was also able to secure a job, perhaps not as good paying a job as hers a sinking ship. She simply didn’t want to be a “Michelle” to a “Barack”. She did not want to share. Instead, she makes up all the excuses and plays the victim. You have only heard her version of the story. A sanitized version I must say. Nigerian women are constantly accusing the men of upgrading themselves with a new woman when their fortunes change for the better. But when a man accuses them of doing the same, they start throwing a hissy fit.

    • Pd November 12, 2012 at 11:31 pm

      You are blessed! I thank God for u oooo.

    • pissed2 November 13, 2012 at 12:36 am

      My dear….you are so on point, I am a black woman in the UK, that have been so successful, happily married with kids, once dated down helped the loser, nearly got into his trap 2nd time around begging for money, I concur with you, you can try and help people sometimes but you are not God, so move on if it doesn’t happen. Black women in the uk are successful without having to see a big man, I work in Investment Banking and its all by his grace. And to top it all these so called people boast on nothing, while kids have seen the world they are yet to see africa.

  • lahips November 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    am done screaming that i cant view my post.

  • lahips November 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    ok bella tanks, its on point, anyway i will comment on this tomorrow, pretty busy.

  • Idak November 12, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Jesus on a motor bike!!
    This beatification of Michelle and Barrack is beginning to make my belly churn.
    I hope you guys know that part of being an American president is the PR that goes with it?
    I am not saying they do not make a good couple, they do and they probably have an okay marriage but can we just go easy on the exaggeration?
    If you look around your neighbourhood, church and even work place you could find marriages doing better than the Obamas and wives who are better wives than Michelle in every sense of the word. I’ll be the first to accept that messy marriages abound all around us but that is no reason to exalt the Obamas to a level that makes them seem super humans. Enough of this wankfest. It is getting nauseating.

    • partyrider November 12, 2012 at 9:29 pm

      +1

    • maya November 12, 2012 at 9:56 pm

      may God bless u for dis comment! took d words outta my mouth

    • Ikunkun November 12, 2012 at 10:40 pm

      Ahhaaa!!! thank you!!!! People look around you!! our societies are different, our people are wired different!! IF you must, then Look for that ‘perfect’ older couple in your zone and aspire to be like them…..I’ll not be your Michelle to Barrack…i’ll be your Patience to your Jonathan…better still your Wunmi Obe to Segun Obe (amongst other things get you chunky:D)#shioorr

    • Lady Womble November 17, 2012 at 5:01 pm

      GBAM!…….You only see what they want you to see!

  • Kola S November 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    Let’s all agree that Nigerian men are useless and call it a day. SMH at some of these comments!

  • Gimmer November 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    sad thing is the average Nigerian man would no knw what to do with a Michelle….most of these men were groomed by homemaker moms so they do not expect anythng outside of that from women.Michelle made more than Barack before barack became president. most of these egotistial naija me can’t handle that. I made more than my ex and he resented me for that…my Chanel handbag gave him nightmares and everytime i wore new shoes, he always asked how much and would say things like “thats my car note “…i tried to support him but his ego got the best of him. he was hung up on is past glory…and constantly reminded me of how much he made “before he met me” and how he bought his ex girlfriends gucci bags. the guy was s jealous, i ran cos i can just see his jealousy getting out of contol.

    • Moyo November 12, 2012 at 5:22 pm

      tell me about it girl. I pity my friend, who out of desperation married down. mehn, she is hearing it today, she cant run away. A woman that had so much going for her, she is a shadow of her own self now. Her career has suffered, and the man is just there louging with his regular regular, she is hustling to maintain the family. Then you read articles like this, and it takes us back to the 1800′s. Shame on you BN. I come here a lot, I am having a rethink now. This is so insulting to every strong, independent, successful woman out there. You guys yould either post a retraction, or do some damage control

      • Kola S November 12, 2012 at 5:49 pm

        I hadn’t even seen this before I responded to your first story.

        I did not see this article as insulting to Nigerian women at all. This is an issue that many have observed and it is a cultural one. Now the article mentioned Barack and Michelle Obama as a way to illustrate that it is very possible for a woman to get together with someone who wasn’t yet up to her level professionally, but who had the drive to go places. It essentially says give that type of man a chance.

        Within minutes, there were multiple responses of how useless Nigerian men are etc. That is where the misandry accusation comes from.

        Useless Nigerian men are useless Nigerian men. Leave those ones to their devices.

        The essence of this article is that young women should open up their options to the talented and driven ones who may not yet be up to their level.

        It’s no reason for women to troop out and play the record of “Nigerian men are useless” on repeat!

  • NSG November 12, 2012 at 5:14 pm
  • Kola S November 12, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    …and the misandrists keep rolling out…

    • Moyo November 12, 2012 at 5:29 pm

      funny, eh. That’s the best you can say. Your female friends, your sisters, your female cousins, your daughters or future daughters are being insulted like this, and all you can say is, those of us against the stereotype of the nigerian women, and the strong independent ones, who refuse to succumb to the lazy asses of your sex are misandrists. Here you are people. The Nigerian man. This is the man, a woman is supposed to go down and pick from the gutters, so we are not accused of looking for a made man. Shame on you Kola S. Big shame

      • Kola S November 12, 2012 at 5:53 pm

        Apologies, the response to this post was posted in error to your earlier post.

  • Debola November 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Well said Moyo, you are blessed for sharing these. ‘Never ever attach yourself to a sinking ship!. I love that!

  • Debola November 12, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    Well said Moyo, you are blessed for sharing these. ‘Never ever attach yourself to a sinking ship!. I love that!

  • Zednani November 12, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    I agree with the initial post. I do think that relationships are a two-way street that requires building up and effort from both parties. I do not think it is fair to say that Nigerian women would never agree to be a “Michelle” – with the assumption that these means someone who will date and marry and nurture their subordinate (financially) till he becomes a great man. I also do not think it is fair to say that Nigerian men would not know what to do with a “Michelle.”

    Because all these comments and mentalities come down to stereotypes. Not all men and women are cut from the same cloth, whether the fabric was spun in Nigeria or abroad. I think that there are different times of loves, different types of personalities and different types of needs in each relationship. Some relationships have room for a “Barak and Michelle” type approach, others do not.

    But the underlying thread of this article that highlights the importance of supporting your partner in good and bad times and not being scared to be the “strong” one and keeping the bigger picture in mind are all brilliant reminders! :)

  • joicee November 12, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    how about this question…”Are you the barack to her Michelle? please give Nigerian women a break…the america society is very culturally different from what we have in Nigeria…You can´t even begin to compare the two..

    • R November 13, 2012 at 2:29 am

      God bless you for this.
      Moyo, please I admire you. It’s not a matter of dating down, it’s more of dating someone that is driven towards his own goal whatever that may be; and someone who will not make you feel less than yourself simply because you earn more.

  • Pissed November 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    You guys remember when Hilary stayed with Bill despite The Monica Lewisnky scandal. I remember Nigerians shouting then. You see, this is a good woman, she stood by her man, that is how a wife should be, and of course, they compared her to the Nigerian Woman. Narrow minded people. I knew it then, that Hilary had an agenda. I mean come on, she wasnt the average politician’s wife, you know the Stepford wife type. I was a teenager then, and I said something doesnt add up. In 2007 I got my answer. Hilary wouldnt have gotten where she is today now, if she was an ex Mrs Bill Clinton. Anyone who has a brain can see that. She ddint divorce him, cos she had ambitions, and she knew her husband’s connections will get her there, so she stayed, and of course, mrs Bill Clinton counts for something in the Democratic party. An ex Mrs Clinton, will get nowhere. Why did I type this? So, we dont get carried away by all the flash and PR of the Obama marriage, and start measuring and judging other women against that. Its just sad, why our nigerian society, always uses outsiders to quantify or validate ourselves. I live in france, and you dont see articles like this, telling the british women, see Michelle o, be like her o. Feel inferior to Michelle, because you are chasing after a made man. BN, i thought you guys were enlightened to rise above this.

  • Pissed November 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    I’ve lived in france and the UK and you dont see the french or british media, telling the french and british women – typo

  • Sholssy November 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    Interesting piece!

  • junie November 12, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    @moyo: i totally agree with you.
    @ John: you are very sexist! I know a lot of black males in the UK with me doing better than I am. To say a woman did better after all her hard work because she’s a woman is very low.

  • Uchechi November 12, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    Enough of this obama and michelle gisk..biko..!!! Using them as a benchmark is not applicable to a Nigerian women..our culture and soceity is different. It excites my disgust when I read articles that downplay the image of Nigerian women. If a women decides not to date a man she’s above career wise, its her choice cos most times the men feel intimidated cos of their ego. So…DEAL WITH IT!!!

  • Oluwamayowa Idowu November 12, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    The whole point of the article is not necessarily to condemn or demonize the Nigerian woman. It goes without saying that it’s not everyone who’s guilty of the attributes I described. We all know it’s something that goes on and my point is that it should stop. To influence the mode of thinking.

    People have put points that weren’t intended in my mouth that I wonder if they read the words right. I’m not asking you to date down or dumb your standards. My point is that deferred gratification is a surer bet than instant gratification.

    The whole point of the article is to highlight the value and power of choosing the right partner. A woman picked a man that was ‘beneath’ her because of his qualities as a human being and not necessarily ‘cos of status.

    I have published the more expansive and detailed version on my blog. Kindly check it out and the whole point would be clearer
    http://www.mayowaidowu.com/2012/11/the-value-of-good-partner_12.html

    • Mayowa, Mayowa, Mayowa November 12, 2012 at 8:04 pm

      Read this from Honey, Mayowa. This few lines, put your whole article to shame. “Nice read and food for thought; but President Obama did graduate from an Ivy League college. Ladies, consider your risk. There should be some level of equality whether education,, religion, family or even ambition. Our dearest first lady was not a fool. *wink”. If you will date down as they say, let there be some balance. Barack was ivy League educated, so really, how did Michelle date down. You just insulted my President, and I aint finding it funny. He is sooo not the example of dating down. How many Nigerian men, are worth their weight in gold, the way Barack is. How many ooooo.
      Why didn’t you write an article about how men should be Barack’s and recognise the Michelle in their woman ehn, and you wonder why your article comes across as Misogynistic. You have really lost the plot. You are one of the Nigerian men, always on our case. Why didn’t you write about the men, who feel powerful and in control by dating a woman beneath them. Or you don’t see that in society. They dump the hard working independent woman, for someone who can hero worship them, because of the money they can give her. You are a sad excuse for a man, i’m sorry. You say we shouldn’t stereotype, yet you are the embodiment of the shallowness of a Nigerian men. BN, if u like don’t post this, just make sure Mayowa reads it.

      • Vee November 13, 2012 at 5:13 pm

        Why will you say he is a sad excuse for a man. Really was that necessary? God forbid. We sef we use our mouth to kill people. Mayowa you are such an articulate and eloquent writer, I love all your posts, this was a good topic to debate about, I am mature enough to understand the point you were trying to make but I also understand that different people have had differnet experiences that will influence the way they see things. I am a strong Nigerian woman who knows that there a useless men (Nigerian, American, French, etc), but there are also good men. Pray, shine your eyes, be tolerant, be supportive, work your relationship, pray – there is no perfect relastionship but you can have a good marriage. All this marry down, dont marry down is long things, it all depends on the individual.

  • Rukky November 12, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    At the end of the day, I know I for one am not ready to play nanny to a baby boy. A grown man is responsible enough to be self-motivated and he treats his woman good not because she helped tremendously in making him president but because even before the flashing lights and media attention, she rocked his world. He loved her and will always love her like Christ loved the church and she does not have to earn his love because he is with her because who she is is amazing to him.
    A grown man is a leader by nature and without a sensible and intelligent man like Barack, Mitchelle would not have been able to truly tap into her leadership potential as much as she has and vice versa.
    Lastly, don’t complain about girls with Brazilian and Peruvian hair, na long troat cach you wey waka pass their side—cut you coat according to your size so that you don’t die depressed. Basically, know your levels and don’t chase fine girls that you know you can’t please and expect them to accept you under the illusion of “management of love”. The question you should ask yourself is, individually, are you a Barack/Mitchelle in your relationship? Then ask, do you 2 make a power-house couple together by cancelling out each other’s weaknesses whilst supporting each other through thick and thin?

  • ola November 12, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    real great man..
    http://www.gistyinka.com

  • @ajiriavae November 12, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    Life has taught me that, the fact that you help to build up a man and bring out the lion in him, does not mean that when he is finally king, he will keep you as his queen. The thing is that while he is still going through the growing phase, there will usually be no indication that he will abscond when he gets to the place he feels he needs to be. Yes, a lot of women enjoy the fruit of their labour. But there are too many women who work for another woman to end up enjoying. My advice? Do what you want, knowing that the fact that he became a ‘big boy’ does not mean he would have kept you by his side.

  • Motunrayo November 12, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    I wouldn’t completely condemn the article as I was able to pick up on some things that the writer is trying to pass across. However, speaking from experience, a lot of men really are not Barack. Are you forgetting that this guy had enough drive in himself to become the editor of the Harvard Law review? No matter what anyone says, even though he was Michelle’s subordinate, he could hold his own and after interacting with him on many levels, I’m sure she saw that in him. She would never have tied herself to someone who did not have what it takes to become successful.

    I was with my ex for 7 years, when we were in school it was fine cos we were both broke and in love anyways. Fast forward to entering the job market; I got a low paying job with potentials, and worked by ass off, got promoted 3 times in 15 months and was comfortable. He got a good job, and became complacent. Every effort to get him to do more fell on deaf ears, he was fine with what he had and I kept growing. Then the resentment and self pity started, even though he did nothing to change his situation. I would downplay my achievements to soothe his ego, but after 2 years of doing this, I threw in the towel. I was done, cancelled the introduction preps and left him. I could not tie my destiny to someone who wasn’t going anywhere. Love had nothing to do with it, I still loved him and on some level will always love him. But the person you marry will shape the rest of your life.

    Fast forward 4 years (during which I was single turned the dreaded 30 and everyone abused me for leaving the ex), I now have 2 advanced degrees, recently met and got engaged to the most romantic and amazingly ambitious man on earth. We are both making strides in our careers, building each other up and currently working on a business plan for a company we want to start together. Neither of us is super rich, but I know that we are perfectly suited for each other, I love him more than I thought possible, we have big dreams and work together to achieve them.

    And the ex? He’s still at the same job and lives at home.

    • Jenny November 12, 2012 at 7:29 pm

      Lmao, Motunrayo. Our story is so so similar. We also started dating in 2005. We were still students, but I knew I had a dream, he was comfortable coasting. I knew that, honestly, I did, but I didn’t realise how dangerous that attitude can be until this past few years. I mean, what kind of husband is he going to be, what kind of father will he be to our kids, how is he going to inspire them, challenge them. Its not just I love you, I love you, this is your future, staring at you in the face. I just dumped one recently. I’m close to my 30th, and I’ve heard snickers behind my back, that I’m stupid for doing that. In this America that men are scarce, I saw one and left him. The person you marry does shape your life, that is so beautiful and true. Its just been a few months since the breakup, but Ive never felt so free, and looking forward to the future. I go shopping and buy what I want without the fear of trying to soothe his ego and making up some excuse for my purchase. I have made plans for the next few months, and I don’t have to consider how bros will feel. I can’t wait to sit down and have mental sex with my husband, while we plan our future. Hot, mind blowing, powerful brainstorming mental sex. Hearing stories like you and Moyo, gives me hope that I will find my Barack. Someone we can build each other, and raise each other up, not one who tears you down, and makes you feel guilty for your success. and yes, he is still at the same job, and ALSO lives in his parents house. Where do we find these men biko ehn?

      • JJ November 12, 2012 at 9:09 pm

        Jenny, there is only one Barack and he is with Michelle Obama. It’s nice to admire this couple but I don’t understand why people are looking for their own Michelle or Barack. Why all these labels or making certain celebrity couples the paradigm of love? Do you know them personally? No. Have your own type of man, your man is his own person and not a Barack and vice versa.

      • Pissed November 12, 2012 at 9:51 pm

        Figure of speed JJ. Ever heard of that. Geez.

      • R November 13, 2012 at 2:41 am

        both your comments make me smile. I definitely know where you are coming from. LOL @ “mental sex”, not sure what that means though..

        Omo its hard not feel the pressure of having a partner, especially when most folks around you are jollying about with their partners. I pray everyday that God will bring the right person my way, and even more importantly, I won’t succumb to settling for “trash” because of lack of companionship. Marriage isn’t child’s play, one has to try and make sure that one isn’t committing with a child

  • Hi November 12, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    Maybe with men of other nationality. Regarding naija men- I could suggest women looking for the already made guys

  • honey November 12, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Nice read and food for thought; but President Obama did graduate from an Ivy League college. Ladies, consider your risk. There should be some level of equality whether education,, religion, family or even ambition. Our dearest first lady was not a fool. *wink

    • Kola S November 12, 2012 at 11:33 pm

      This is exactly what the article is trying to say. You must still choose carefully, the man must still be self motivated, but don’t disqualify him just because he’s still behind you professionally.

      Unfortunately, it opened up a floodgate of rants including some against ex boyfriends that were never self driven in the first place. This article is not about those types of guys!

  • nita November 12, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    How many Nigerian men will support n be dedicated to a ‘Michelle’ after all her efforts? Most Nigerian men know to use women to achieve Success n then dump her. They r intimidated by a woman’s success. Look at Nigeria today n count successfull women dt av d support of their husband…but yet a Man gets all d support! To mk it worse, dis article is facing women 4 nt being supportive…haba!

    • JJ November 12, 2012 at 9:19 pm

      And many successful Nigerian women who do not have men in their lives because those ones cannot stand seeing a woman in power. Intimidation! If you are secure and confident as man, you will celebrate your woman’s success. Unfortunately, Nigerian men have been reared to believe that they are next to God and every other living thing on earth is below them.
      A lot of the time, a successful woman who is married is not really married. Her husband is just her flat/housemate. I wish I could give some names but I wouldn’t. However, an example would be a very powerful woman in Nigeria. lol.

  • Hmm November 12, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    @pissed. Hillary Clinton back then, even now was more intelligent and better connected than Bill Clinton. Even before they got married- her friends and people wondered why she would leave “all” she had and marry Bill Clinton though he was a handsome bobo in their days- still is.

    Again, just like the writer noted on Michelle Obama the same thing with Hillary Clinton. She was in the background nurturing her man and despite the issue with you know who she decided to pull through with her husband.

    So, your statement of Hillary had an agenda or an ex Mrs Clinton will get nowhere is uncalled for. She was and is still very connected as we say.

  • Mimimi November 12, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    If truth be told, choosing a partner does not depend only his character or his currenf status in life. So many factors go into it and these factors are the ingredients that make a successful marriage. If there was a secret formula, surely by now we would all be following it and reduce divorce rates. I say let every one be true to themselves and marry for the reasons that are important to them. To some it is love, wealth, status and I have cone to sadly admit no reason is more valid than the other as long as both are true to themselves. Is a man who marries a fine woman any different from her who marries him for money? Are all those who married for love still together?

  • Mma November 12, 2012 at 8:47 pm
  • ada November 12, 2012 at 8:58 pm

    A lot of angry women in the house, exactly, we are so mad at our men, that we forget that there are actually some ‘Baracks out there, maybe we have ignored them, that young hardworking, smart, filled with the fear of God that you ignored cos “he ain’t got swag”. When I met my hubby, I admired his values, the way he treated women and his Godliness apart from that, he had a super CV :D, but at the time, he couldn’t pay for that brazillian weave, the holiday in the Bahamas or that super automobile. My mum had met him at the time and told me her own story with my dad which was the typical “rags to riches” story. Another thing is this, I know there may be uncertainties concerning what he might do later, but that’s where ur knees come in. I believe that anywoman who makes God the 3rd person in her home will never be disappointed, you can’t do it on your own, read the psalm of the virtuous woman, and you will realize ladies that the home and our relationships are in our safe-keeping, pray to get a good man, than keep praying to keep him good. Its unfair but its the truth, a woman is expected to be so many things to achieve happiness, but if u are able to embrace the challenge, it is worth it. Right now I am joyfully married to my hubby, it hasn’t been easy, I have had to pray, work, laugh and cry, at a time I had to use my salary to run the home so he could turn his own money into building our dream home. Its been hard, but its been worth it, hubby can’t do anything without my input, and the love hae has for me is embarrassingly evident, even my inlaws love me to bits Everything in life is a risk and investing ur sweat and resources may seem risky, but with God it will be effort well spent. Not every man is a devil, some are actually angels that we failed to recognize. Sorry for my long post :)

    • To Ada November 12, 2012 at 9:21 pm

      Here comes the stereotype again. Seriously, not all Nigerian women are that shallow. its bad enough that the men think we are like that. You a fellow woman is also promoting the stereotype. In my circle of friends, I don’t know anyone like that. They are strong, hard working, confident women, who don’t have room in their life for such frivolities. So I wonder where you see these women, and then you like the author, think thats all we look for. Swag, seriously!!!!!. Of course a brazilian weaved, LV bag, Louboutin shoes paid for by a man woman, will be looking for swag. Please make an intelligent conversation abeg This stereotype talk is becoming boring, and may i say annoying. Even the “Barack’s” out there, how many of them stay with madam number one when they make it. My dad is number one, he married wife number 2 after he made his first millions, more millions came, more women came. My mother was there when he was walking all over Lagos looking for a job, she delayed having children, because they couldn’t afford it. My dad has money now, I have 5 extra siblings, and some more that are out there, I don’t even know. So your point is?

    • Mz Socially Awkward…. November 12, 2012 at 10:43 pm

      While I’m glad to read that your own story had a happy ending, it bothers me that you’re passing on the same message this article just passed across – that it’s a woman’s fault if she chooses to not fully embrace every man she meets as that potential success tale.

      You’ve said:- “Another thing is this, I know there may be uncertainties concerning what he might do later, but that’s where ur knees come in. I believe that anywoman who makes God the 3rd person in her home will never be disappointed, you can’t do it on your own, read the psalm of the virtuous woman, and you will realize ladies that the home and our relationships are in our safe-keeping, pray to get a good man, than keep praying to keep him good. Its unfair but its the truth, a woman is expected to be so many things to achieve happiness, but if u are able to embrace the challenge, it is worth it.”

      So you load all of this responsibility on the women and leave nothing for the men to do, is that it? Why didn’t you say they should both embrace God as the 3rd person in the home & I’m asking because I’ve seen friends marry no-gooders, embrace God and hubby’s embracing countless women outside? I honestly don’t understand how Nigerian women have gradually embraced the status of martydom, surpassing actual female role models in the same bible that everyone keeps quoting. Soooooo, where in the bible does it record that our mothers in the faith carried all of the burdens you’re advocating women to carry in their marriages? Every single family that God blessed and raised up to be great was built from a partnership of 2 hardworking people, not a woman hoping & waiting for a man to get a lick of sense and make something of himself. The “angry women” you allude to probably are entitled to express their frustrations and some of them have shared their stories. If you met a good man, that’s great for you but please don’t assume your formula works in every situation.

    • Franka November 13, 2012 at 12:50 am

      lmao…so all the women who have been left high and dry after sweating with a man made God 6th in their home abi? see its this holier than tho mentality that i cant stand with naija womn. ur home is not broken, and you are quick to assume those whose home are broken did something wrong or didnt know God like you do…oh well. you think God is nicer to you than to others? i wont even answer you ok.,..

      • atutupoyoyo November 14, 2012 at 11:06 pm

        lmao, sister franka biko go book an appointment with your shrink……when ple give examples dont assume…..she is just saying how she tackled her own problem and not that all who have been left high and dry put God 6th……shuooo

  • Red November 12, 2012 at 10:48 pm

    Wow people with lots of issues on here….a shrinks paradise!

    • cassandra onwualu November 13, 2012 at 1:29 pm

      hahaha! you’ve got jokes!

  • ForeverYoung November 12, 2012 at 11:23 pm

    *Cough*…so it’s the ladies I have a word or many for, for every one Michelle Obama, there are countless “Holly Petreaus”, so as you are looking for your “Barack Obama”, bear in mind you might end up with a David Petraeus, and it won’t matter if you are Michelle Obama, Holly Petraeus or Paula Broadwell…who is David Petraeus?…Google is your friend :) ….Enjoy life!!!

  • Franka November 13, 2012 at 12:46 am

    Mayowa…show me a barack and i will show you 100 michelles willing to support him to a fault. the problem is …there no baracks out there. all we have thes days are egomaniacs looking for women to treat them like the king they ARE NOT

  • Eve November 13, 2012 at 1:44 am

    Waooooooooh I love the comments mostly fm Mayo, pissed and Jenny. I had to stay up this late to read and digest these comments from these ladies *shines teeth* . Seriously am proud to be a woman and in respect of that put in more efforts on my career. Thank God I gained somthings tonight before falling asleep.

  • Mr AFRICA November 13, 2012 at 2:11 am

    This should serve as an inspiration for Black Girls today. Blackberry,latest brazillian weave, money flashing and splashing will only get you so far in Life. Aspire to be successfull like Mitchell and that MR RIGHT will come knocking because he will see what a Gem you are.

  • R November 13, 2012 at 2:12 am

    I’m kinda irritated about this article. The writer I assumed was well-intentioned.
    I’m sorry but I do not know these women you speak of that are all about their weaves and other shinies, and aren’t supporting their partners.

    This article seems to placing focus, or rather stress on women. Forcing us to question our worth in terms of what we add to a man. It seems to ignore the fact that many Nigerian men (if not most) are arrogant and wouldn’t spot a real woman if she was right under his nose. Many Nigerian men act like they are mini gods and treat many Nigerian females like they are desperate to get hooked.

    All you need to do is go on twitter, read comments on blogs to realise that many men (and by many, I mean most) want popular “babes”, babes with the so-called Brazillian and other shinies you speak of. Very few males seem to be able to see through the shinies and actually choose to be with females of “substance”.

    While I agree that women should be supportive of their partner (in fact, each person in the relationship should be supportive of their partner), biko please give females a break and face males. Tell them to be men! Tell them to learn to choose Michelle’s instead of skanks. Focus on the males for once, please.

  • R November 13, 2012 at 2:21 am

    In fact, I’ve not finished.
    Nigerian males need to learn to be humble, learn to treat their spouses as partners and not as their “lowers”. How many Nigerian males would live peacefully with a woman that earns more than them? How many would still love that woman and treat her like a queen? How many Nigerian men would not succumb to either physically or mentally abusing the woman? How many????

    Talking facts, Michelle has ALWAYS earned more than Barack and was the financial pillar of that family, until Barack become Pres.

    Question, how many Nigerian men can be a Barack to her Michelle? That’s what the question should be. I’m done here.

  • R November 13, 2012 at 2:45 am

    long story short, please let us celebrate our women. Let us not make them feel weird/awkward/embarrassed because they are “of age” and are not married. Let us not look at them as creatures that are made simply to satisfy males. Let us not use “religion”/”culture” to justify inhumane behaviour. Please.

  • Amina Safana November 13, 2012 at 4:10 am

    Great article

  • elflaco November 13, 2012 at 4:42 am

    But Ada is right .. She who hasn’t looked beyond that naija guy without swag or money to go for the happening guy should cast the first stone… I don’t care watch you angry ladies type here more than 80% of naija ladies want a made man .. Man that has loads of MONEY… sometimes I wonder what my average naija guy would do to get a beautiful naija girl he likes… and don’t even tlk abt naija men behaving like dogs, like naija women don’t behave as bitches … (For every dog has his bitch).. Any man and woman that knows what they want would definitely get it .. All you need is faith and patience

  • Truth Hurts! November 13, 2012 at 4:56 am

    Vanity upon Vanity..All is Vanity! The world is fast changing with so many distractions. Yet so many do not have the slightest clue/hint. Men like Barack, Ahmadinejad, Cameron, hollande or even Xi jinping tipped to be next Chinese president shape the destiny of you and I directly or indirectly. Jonathan’s emergence decided the fate of some Nigerians and is still doing so thanks to boko haram. Kweku adoboli by a singular act decided the fate of thousands of employees of UBS. Mankind is treading on the most sensitive path in human history. There is a fearful decline of morals in both young and old. People take the word of God with a pinch of salt today even when some of the last days prophecies are happening around us.
    So many strong words here characterised with intolerance, anger, unforgiveness and hate. Nobody knows it all. Ten years from today(by the grace of God)I bet we will all have different and a better outlook to life even on this very topic. Let’s love a bit more, seek peace at all cost and then try and live a life of service unto one another. Sorry but I just had to digress a bit.

  • sweet November 13, 2012 at 5:51 am

    awww Motunrayo, I LOVE how you described your boo with his personalities and character..got me all teary. Unlike Moyo who described her new boo with his title VP of an Investment Bank…..right, like that should mean something.

  • raquel November 13, 2012 at 6:21 am

    and it is true she did not date down as someone said…he came from an Ivy league so thats enough to see there are lots of potential, Michelle is no fool, she knows his calibre.

  • temitope November 13, 2012 at 9:33 am

    hmmm, all i have to say is that i can never date down again, i have done it twice, i overlooked the fact that they were jobless or didnt come from rich families,i tried being a michelle to their barack lol, i loved them real hard, was there for them thru all their challenges, i wish i could type more and share my sincere story here but im at work and i dont really have time, to cut the long story short, i tried hard to help these men with all i could, financially, and emotionally most especially but all i got was ingratitude from them. My recent ex was an aspiring footballer, i had adviced him on several occasions to find sometin else to do since the football thingy wasnt working out but he would bluntly refused, i contributed 300k of my own personal money to assist him to go for a trial abroad, at the end of the day, he was swindled at it. He would sit all day at home counting his losses instead of going out there to look for a job. If i pointed it out to him, he would say i was insulting him cos he had no job and no money……..i know some people would call me a fool and all that but i was in love with this guy and even though he was the way he was, i knew he loved me, guess his flaw was he just wasnt being realistic enough on his being a professional footballer dream. i would send recharge cards, money to his account and all and i realised that he was getting comfortable with that. to make matters worse, his family was something else, his sisters were rude and demanding and my ex opnce told me that if i wanted d rship to continue, i had to satisfy his family ( i dont even want to go into details) but that was the last straw. i broke up with him ( he couldnt believe it) and i still beleive how fast i got over him. i have since taken the advice my elder brother gave me…i am a queen and i deserve to be treated like one., so i will wait for my king who would treat me like his queen, i am 27 but not desperate. i work hard,i earn a decent salary, i drive a good car and pay my bills by myself. now i believe that i deserve a real man who is strong, hardworking and who will love me and treat me like queen. i keep my faith in God cos i know my man is out there and God will lead us to each other.

    • Non professional opinion November 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm

      You sound more like the Nigerian women I know. Proud, strong and loves with everything she has. The brazillion weave babe is a caricature that represents a minority.
      Keep doing you! x

    • Aya Temitop November 13, 2012 at 8:52 pm

      hey sis you have the name of my king his name is temitope. i know what you have been through i have been there loved real hard n get treated like rubbish right back…smh o ga o this life. i went to the extent to set up a business with an x a business i had to encourage him night n day just to set up he started cutting corners to cheat me. omo if i tell my story na PHD project o. But in all i tank God for sending me my king temitope he is a king indeed. even though his dad is rich n used to be in government temitope dont care for his dads riches he is so hard working and focused he believes in my dreams more than i do he encourgaes me none stop, he doesnt collect or ask his dad for money he works for his money n spends it on us. he is not controlling and most of all he treats me like a QUEEN i waited i cryed i prayed i lost hope but my redeemer was faithful and i met temitope so sis i know and believe u will meet ur own that will treat u like a QUEEN that you are. hold on to your faith x

  • Idak November 13, 2012 at 9:51 am

    With all this talk of coupling, i feel compelled to speak out in favour of singleness for a bit.
    I saw a wonderful podcast i wish to recommend;
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/fourthought
    James Friel: Celebrating Single Life 07 Nov 2012

  • B November 13, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Interesting, thought provoking article but a lot of bitter comments understandably from past experiences. Truth is, we are who we are -Nigerians and we women will always have to pray more for our relationships and for guidance. Only God knows what the future holds, a Barack today might not be the same tomorrow. Moral of the story, know who and why you are getting married and commit it all to God.

  • Anti-women’s LIB November 13, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Whether we like it or not, the average naija girl has twisted priorities, u ask her how about a guy, she says: he’s rich, handsome, he speaks well, he comes from a well known family blah, blah, blah! What about the content of his character, does he have respect, is he honest, does he fear God, does he work hard, does he oppress others. Believe it or not, women have walked into abusive marriages because they were blinded by vanity. And for the women here lamenting, we have heard ur stories, what part did u play in these bad relationships, how sure are u that u weren’t bitchy, how many times did u directly or indirectly rub his inadequacies in his face, think well, I’m a woman and I know some of us can be silly at times. Watch this movie by TD Jakes “Not easily broken”, you will see what I mean, Let’s be honest to ourselves, If you were a man “would you marry you?” Also the earlier we realize that this ain’t America the better for us, thing work differently here, Men want to be honored and respected, Woman’s Lib has only created more problems for us, We now have unrealistic expectations, and we don’t allow men to be themselves anymore, a man no matter his circumstances should be a hero, provider and protector, but because we refuse to allow them do that, tthe family dynamic has been overturned.

    • Damie November 13, 2012 at 1:40 pm

      Please STFU! It’s silly women (is that not how you described yourself?) like you that make life so difficult for other women. A relationship fails and of course it is the woman’s fault. Women are always supposed to always suffer, right? And of course, those darned feminists. The ones that got you the right to education, work, the ones that speak against Female Genital Mutilation and female infanticide. Yup, curse those horrid women, through whose idiocy we can be educated, vote, work and have access to reproductive health services.

    • Franka November 13, 2012 at 11:23 pm

      please back the smack off and take several darn seats!

  • cindy November 13, 2012 at 10:39 am

    @mayo n temitope,I admire ur strenght….

  • Amingo November 13, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Hmmmm…….funny enough I have not read the story itself (honest truth) before most readers go..”all Nigerian men are liars o”….Moyo’s write up actually drew my attention to the blog as my partner left the page open whilst she was getting ready to go to work and I was still sleeping…lol (I have a job o…I just took today off to spend time with our daughter ni o and I will be the one to drive her to the station too) before some readers go “ you see life..she is working he is sleeping”…..there is just one little point i will like to add to the discussion…people are different..no matter ur nationality or ethnicity…not all Nigerian men are as described or portrayed by most ladies on the blog…I bought my house in a very cool de sac area in the UK…we are the only black couple in the neighbourhood(without my partner’s contribution)…I literally almost forced or begged whichever way u see it, my partner to regularise her status in the UK (through my help too cus na me be British too not her) …I glow in my partner’s achievements and even tell her she can be anything she wants to be…so please not all Nigerian men are like described by most of the female readers….back to Moyo….u said ur parents struggled to pay your school fees and literally had to sell all for you to come to the UK..I paraphrased to ensure I got you right. It appears to me that if that was the situation at home… ur father must have been a sinking ship (in ur words o)..and if you mother had left his sorry ass u won’t be here today dating the investment banker boo of yours o?….women tend to see men from the father figure in their lives….am sure my daughter will never refer to her man has a sinking ship…for she would grow to know a strong Nigerian father who is proud of her mother’s achievements….ladies and gents forget the Obamas..we re only privy to what we read in the papers who knows what goes on behind closed doors…live your life and let others live theirs…..

    • Moyo November 13, 2012 at 12:45 pm

      Point of correction, Sir, my parents are very hard workers, both of them for that matter, and it was that work ethic that they taught me. They sold all, to help pay for the rest of the tuition so I did not miss the opportunity of that scholarship. So, to compare my hard working father, to my ex, is actually very very very insulting Amingo. Very. Yes they sold stuff, the stuff they sold, they worked hard to acquire. Nothing was handed to them. So, your point is? Can you sell air, or if they were comfortable with their situation, and not work extra, would they have acquired anything worth selling. The house we live in, my parents built with their sweat. Its incredibly narrow minded of you to assume that because they sold stuff, to send me here, they should be compared to an ex, who refused to go extra mile to achieve great things in his life. You mentioned your daughter, you see me too I am a product of two hard working parents, that is why I am who I am today. Watching them work to give their children the best within their abilities, is why I adore my parents. If they were “sinking ships”, they would have sat down and folded their arms, and say Moyo, where do you want us to see the money, please forget it, you kuku have a bank job, and that would have been it. You come across as a go getter yourself, so, my own children dont deserve to have a go getter as a father abi? Someone who will inspire and challenge them. I should sitdon dey look a man, who is comfortable in his own little corner of the world, and will not stress himself, as what he has is good enough. If you wanted to present a counter argument, I’m afraid you missed your mark, and yes, I also am on leave this week.

    • Cynthia November 13, 2012 at 1:27 pm

      Funny thing, is you tried to stay away from the stereotype of Nigerian men, from the beginning of your post, and towards the middle, you just confirmed what women think about Nigerian men. You bought your house (without your partners contribution), and that is something you are proud of. Lol. Really, so, you can say in the future, heaven forbid, and things go south. It is kuku your house, that you bought with your money. Does that phrase ring a bell? Isnt that how many nigerian men talk. Even if at the time you bought your house, your partner (why isnt she your wife yet, by the way, partner = baby mama, dont glamourise it) wasnt able to contribute financially, fair enough. But you both have made it your home, so you having the need to quickly add that you bought it without her contribution, is just the ego of you as a Nigerian man talking, and it was not necessary. Our home is in a cul de sac (english lesson) in the UK. Emphasis on OUR. Who bought what, in an equal partnership, is irrelevant. “I literally almost forced or begged whichever way u see it, my partner to regularise her status in the UK (through my help too cus na me be British too not her) ” the statement in brackets, is your ego talking again. You had to quickly point out that YOU were the one o. I just wanted to point that out, before you go patting yourself on the back, that you are not the average nigerian man. LOL>LOL>LOL>LOL

      • person pikin November 13, 2012 at 8:01 pm

        you deserve an e-peck!

    • Damie November 13, 2012 at 1:35 pm

      Mr. Amingo, please where did Moyo say that her parents were not comfortable? Being able to pay house rent is one thing, paying for a masters degree is another. Besides, maybe, just maybe (and Moyo I apologise for this ridiculous assumption) she does not want to play the suffering role her mother might have played? Putting up with a man who not only cannot visualize and work on being successful but also one who tries to put her down? She is happy, why is that so hard to understand?

    • Ajoke November 13, 2012 at 4:26 pm

      Uncle Amingo. You see what we are saying? “I bought my house”. The house you live in, with your partner and daughter, you cant simply say, I bought our house. It comes naturally to you as a 9ja man, to say my house. You see yourself? See yourself. Cynthia, schooled you well well. I had to smile, when I read her comment. Classic 9ja man. If you like live in the hosue with the man for donkey years, he will still call it my house. To crown it all, without your partners contribution. If your excuse is, you bought the house before you guys were dating. Still not an excuse, cos as she lives there now, with a child you both share, automatically it is also her house too, and you should refer to it as our house. I hope her name has been included on the documents of the house, cos I wont be surprised, if its just your name alone, as a 9ja man. That’s one thing you will not readily hear from a white man, even the ones who have live in partners not to talk of wives – I bought my house. My house indeed.

      • Amingo November 13, 2012 at 7:27 pm

        hmm..lol.Ajoke my dear…my wife also has her house which she bought herself without a dime from me…and she calls that house her house…point of correction..the house is mine and will remain so..but the home is ours!!! As for the name on the house it shall remain the name of the owner of the house…but my partner is and would be the only woman that will bear my children as such..would have the right to all that is mine if anyfink happens…until then… that house remains My HOUSE and her house remains her house!!! Ese e ma da ile wa ru….we like d way we run our family….run urs the way u want…put a knife to ur man’s throat to change the name on his house to both names if you like….as for my family and I..it works well for us this way…Ese o Aunty Ajoke

    • Jedi November 13, 2012 at 11:30 pm

      as much as you want to sound different, the egomaniac in you did you in. you can’t seem to help yourself…this ish is almost innate in some of these men

    • atutupoyoyo November 14, 2012 at 11:22 pm

      amingo u really dissapoint abeg…..cant u read simple english? the fact his parents paid his fees is not the point……the issue is his inability to work hard cos he got all he needed provided for him…no ambition no drive yet u are jealous of someone who is trying to improve themselves…..pls before u comment go over what someone says and peruse well b4 u rant biko……

    • jyde December 16, 2012 at 4:31 pm

      Bros frm one bushman to another,
      how the hell u go open mouth,expose youreslf with “i live in a very cool du sac area”?
      Nothin u say after that resonates with an educated mind.You let the team down mehn.
      I hope youre not a doctor,or a public figure. Broda cul du sacs even dey nijah self.
      Just so that we can improve our understandin of grammer,and impress the ladies,im jumpin on presido.Thats my turbo charged crocodile.We should make it to you in abt two weeks.Hes submersible so immigrations not an issue.
      No wonder our women roll their eyes in anguish.ontop all de book u read.Really!!
      I bet youre as macho,proud and arrogant as i am.Thats why women wont touch us.
      The rescue partys on its way,presido is in cruise control.
      Oyinbo no be by force sha,Abeg see gramma. I salute u o guy man, u try O. U do well.

  • cassandra onwualu November 13, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    SOME men are unbelievable!!! If you want to be treated like a king then act the part. Dont be fooling around like a court jester and expect regal treatment!
    ”Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

  • Damie November 13, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Rubbish article. Misogynistic. Yet again, I am disappointed in Bella Naija. Did any female editor read this article before posting it? Horrible, Horrible, Horrible. And Mr. Writer, if the only females you know care about Brazilian hair and iPhones (nothing wrong with that) and cannot afford it, I suggest you expand your circle.

  • ada November 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    @to ada, I’m sorry about ur dad’s betrayal, that’s the problem, you think every man is going to be your dad, maybe I sound naïve, I’m sorry, but I choose to believe that my relationship with my hubby will be as good and even better than my parents’. My parents have a great marriage, maybe you should erase your own stereotypical idea of what a man is like, and hope for the best, because even when you get a good man, you will take out your anger with your dad on him

  • Mr G November 13, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    I pray to God that none of my exes would describe me the way some ladies here have described theirs. I also work hard at being the kind of man that most women would be proud of.I don’t want a ”michelle” kinda woman,i just need me woman to be me pillar of strength and support….Shikena!!!!!

    • Ajoke November 13, 2012 at 4:57 pm

      Mr G, and what is Michelle Obama, to Barack? A pillar of salt, and a weakened structure. LMAO. Please enlighten us, on what you will want to be for your woman. You know, as you have so clearly stated, what you need in a woman. We need to hear the other side too.

    • Franka November 13, 2012 at 11:25 pm

      it’s not a conincidence the way some women here describe the men they’ve encountered. there are more jerks and users out there than there are real men…especially among Nigerian men. Never encountered such waste of space in my life.

      • jyde December 17, 2012 at 3:06 am

        Sister that really hurts,Some of us are willing to listen and learn.
        Dont write us all off. Please.xxx

  • ify November 13, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    Amingo, i thought you would come out and defend the Nigerian men but NO you had to show “that” side of you. You bought YOUR house, i am sure if a woman had said it like you did ….

  • Amingo November 13, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    I have read few of the post with regards to my comment….partner and wife what is the difference. Whoever you choose to spend the rest of your life with is ur partner. To go back to answer some critics…you have it so twisted about Nigerian men…I wonder why other women from other parts of Africa and the world in general see what Nigerian women don’t see in us(positive values)…i have heard it and I have witnessed it. Now… back to gist…I bought the house before I married my wife(partner) so why should I say we bought it..I BOUGHT THE HOUSE…SHEKINA….now I cannot even mention my achievements abi? Wait till i tell you other finks that I do…I cook for the family when my partner is tired, bath and change the diapers of the baby, clean “our home” (not my house)and even better at cleaning sef, my beautiful wife would tell all that cares to know. The reason why I brought the issue of the house into the gist is simple…nobody needs to be an Obama in a Michelle’s life or a Michelle in Obama’s life…we should be born with a vision as humans and work towards achieving such vision. Without Michelle, Obama would still have been what he is today!!
    Moyo you mentioned that ur ex’s parents were well off..at least that is what your comment portrayed…(pardon me if I assumed) some ladies come out here to speak about the negativities of their experience..have you even read the story of the man called Obama?…his school days..how he used drugs with his mates and how some of those mates ended in prison..na Michelle send am go school?…na Michelle nurture his footsteps? His grandmother and mother made him the man he is today…u lot sit down there and paint a picture of Michelle making him..Michelle dating down…how did she date down? Did she not see security men or cleaners at her law firm Or some gangsters in her previous neighbourhood? If Michelle’s mother had dropped a “sinking ship” like her father as some ladies have used that term to refer to guys still struggling to achieve their dreams..would there have been a Michelle who became a lawyer. Michelle told the story of how her father struggled to send her to school. What is dating down? If the ones tired of dating Nigerian men can’t cope with the stress of being in a relationship…go and date men from other ethnicity or nationality now!…Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Nelson Mandela, David Petraeus just to mention a few are not Nigerians yet they still committed the same offence most of the female readers have levied against a Nigerian man…we were not told David in the bible was a Nigerian too….. and for your info(critics) I am an high earned professional too. My partner did not nurture me to get there…my mother did..cos my father died before we even knew wats up..My mother sent myself and 3 siblings to university…..she married my father when he had nothing..she was also from a very rich family and my father was not…never has she for once regretted why she married him…or called him a sinking ship..they both hustled it out from scratch till he left….so to the frustrated ladies out there…get a life or grab a man from Ghana, Rwandan, Afghanistan or Iraq who will listen to ur sorry tales….Nigerian men are tired of u lots branding us what we are not!!!! Enough!!!!!is enough!

    • Ajoke November 13, 2012 at 7:53 pm

      Wow, what a rant. You are really trying hard to stay away from the Nigerian stereotype, but fundamentally, you haven’t shifted. I BOUGHT THE HOUSE. Like Cynthia said, in a true partnership, whomever bought what, is irrelevant, and you shouldn’t bring it up to prove a point. Number 2, you are only holding on to two words, sinking ship, sinking ship, without seeing the whole picture of Moyo’s comment. I guess you are feeling bad that your fellow man was called a sinking ship. Uncle Amingo, whether you like it or not, some men can be likened to sinking ships. They will refuse to grow up, and face the world squarely, rather they wallow in their comfort zone, no goals, no drive, no dreams, no ambition. Just as you also have it with some women too. Unfortunately, such an attitude is DANGEROUS in a man, cos he will be the head of a home. His family will look up to him for guidance, direction, inspiration, leadership, comfort etc. How do you expect a driven, intelligent ambitious woman to stay with such a man? Who will wear the pants in that relationship? Really is that fair, to subject such a woman to endless pain, frustration, tears and depression? Thank goodness you have a daughter too, if she wants to tie her destiny to such a man, sit back and let her, and watch all your hard work on her life go down the drain. Tell her, be patient ehn, endure. The man you marry, or the woman you marry can alter the rest of your life. Anyone that denies that is just deluded. There is a difference between a man, who is on his way to achieving his dreams or struggling to achieve his dreams (you will sha see him making the effort), and one that does not even have dreams at all, such a man is a sinking ship. There is a clear difference, and you are blindly refusing to acknowledge that such men exist. Admit it, Uncle Amingo. You think such admirable qualities, every man is born with, you should just wait, those qualities will surface. Some men, don’t have it at all, and you can’t force it. Moyo wrote – “When job hunting came, he didnt have the drive i did. He was applying for just anything, and I said no, i will tailor my applications, I deserve better. He got a job before me, earning below the average wage. He said dont worry, it is only for a time. Even though I kept trying to make him apply for other jobs, he just got comfortable. I even looked for job ads for him, while i was job hunting, bros will tell me he has heard, till the job will close. ”
      Read her comment again, without anger or rage in your head. You just see the women that dump them as women who don’t have the patience to endure. Thats a one sided/narrow minded nigerian man way of thinking. It is never the man’s fault. The woman should have stayed while she withers away, with a man that has no goals or vision for his life. If you can indulge me, and read Steve’s response to Moyo’s comment, also read Kola S’s response (please stay away from John’s, cos his comment is an insult to your wife too), then you will get a more balanced view, and stop holding unto sinking ship, sinking ship. Thank you

    • Jide November 13, 2012 at 8:47 pm

      Amingo, is your issue with the words sinking ship a problem with English? Cos if I should point out from your comments “cool de sac” and “an high earned professional” and a few more I won’t even point out, so I don’t lose the point of my comment. A sinking ship – figure of speech, is a situation or circumstance you have to leave, otherwise it will drag you down with it. A ship can have holes in it, and the captain is struggling to make it stay afloat, and you can see that he is seriously striving (funny I know, but scenes from Pirates of the Caribbean comes to mind). Odds may be against him, because he has holes in his ship, but with determination, drive, a willingness to succeed, no matter what, he can overcome his problems and steer himself to safety. A sinking ship on the other hand, is a whole different story. The ship is bloody sinking, and a lot of factors have contributed to that, but at that point there is nothing you can do, no mater how you try, you just have to leave it or drown. I had to type this, because your examples of sinking ship (Moyo’s father, Michelle’s father, your father) and the outrage you are expressing on account of those two words, is in total opposite to what the phrase a sinking ship means. Thats why I said earlier, it may be a problem with English. Those are not descriptions of sinking ship. Those are men, who were struggling like the Captain to stay afloat, and forge on. It is a wise woman, who can recognise the difference between a sinking ship and a Captain who is making effort to stay afloat. Chastising such a woman, calls to question your sense of judgement. I won’t even bother making a comment about a marriage where husband and wife are referring to property as my house and her house. Like you said it works for you.

      • dunni November 14, 2012 at 2:18 am

        God bless u for this

    • Purpleicious Babe November 13, 2012 at 9:22 pm

      Awwww bless u Amingo.. it felt as though u had to defend yourself so much…

      I think its ok to call it your house, whose business is it?

      Just dont attack Moyo oo, cos she don try nah, so let celebrate each others success and accomplishments..

      keep up the good morals.

      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

    • Jide November 13, 2012 at 9:33 pm

      Amingo, I think I see where you r coming from. You regard any man who is poor, or who hasn’t made it yet, a sinking ship, or better still you think in the eyes of a woman, such a man is a sinking ship. Thats where your anger is coming from. You will find that not all women think that way. Some women recognise potential in such men because it is there. Case in point, the potential is there, it is evident. At the other end of the scale, there are men who are in that poor situation because they do not have potential, and they will remain that way. What should a woman do with such a man? You tell me. Stay with him until he wrecks her life? My struggling Captain vs Sinking ship explanation. Sometimes you have to count your losses, learn from your mistakes and move on, and no one should judge you for that. I as a man, will not stay with a woman who can be likened to a sinking ship. Its not only women that make such decisions, men do too. A man may not be rich now (like the men you mentioned) but they can be seen to be making efforts (like the men you mentioned). Such men eventually make it, some don’t, and you will find that those that don’t, the products of such a man are successful. His children, because the groundwork had been laid, qualities have been imbibed, instilled, inspired, observed by the actions of such men, for their children to succeed. All the men you mentioned, Michelle Obama, someone like Moyo, or even you are the results of such men., and they make their father’s proud. I watched my father work hard, he never became a rich man, but what he gave to me, money cannot buy it, and it has what has made me the successful man I am today, and I will not marry a woman who will drag me down. My dad was not a sinking ship, he was a Captain. His brother on the other hand…….. You said it yourself, your daughter will never call you a sinking ship, because she will observe how her parents work hard. Everyone has the right to marry the best mate, not just for themselves, but for their children. You didn’t mary a lazy woman did you. She already had a house before you married her. The door swings both ways

      • dunni November 14, 2012 at 2:22 am

        i’m ur biggest fan, marry me pls

  • Amingo November 13, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    hmm..lol.@Ajoke my dear…my wife also has her house which she bought herself without a dime from me…and she calls that house her house…point of correction..the house is mine and will remain so..but the home is ours!!! As for the name on the house it shall remain the name of the owner of the house…but my partner is and would be the only woman that will bear my children as such..would have the right to all that is mine if anyfink happens…until then… that house remains My HOUSE and her house remains her house!!! Ese e ma da ile wa ru….we like d way we run our family….run urs the way u want…put a knife to ur man’s throat to change the name on his house to both names if you like….as for my family and I..it works well for us this way…Ese o Aunty Ajoke

    • Ajoke November 13, 2012 at 8:02 pm

      I had to copy and paste Steve’s comment again. That’s another man’s perspective. “Wait, you call that kind of man, that she described, a man that has potential. Are you kidding me? Seriously. A man, a man that had his tuition paid for by his parents. Fair enough, that happens, but through out, a man, a man was getting an allowance from home. That is a man with potential? Seriously, what do you determine as potential? His woman, was working part time jobs as Moyo said, putting herself through Uni, she was smart enough to get a partial scholarship in the UK (who doesn’t know how hard it is to get a scholarship in the UK. Not the US, the UK). She used her savings from a bank job in 9ja, plus parents contribution. A man with potential will support such a woman and also work, just to show they are in the struggle together. She didn’t depend on his allowi from home, she sorted herself out. That man does NOT deserve such a woman sorry. Lazy ass like himself. I see their types here in the UK. Men that cannot stand on their own two feet. Mummy and Daddy paid there way through uni, they were partying and enjoying life, while their mates were hustling through part time jobs. So of course, they leave school with a paper degree (that millions also have. MSc counts for jack without UK experience), no job experience whatsoever. I work in recruitment, mind you, and part time jobs count. It shows focus, dedication, seriousness, the candidate can respond to authority in the work place, has work ethic etc. No wonder she got the “cushy” job. She deserved it. He was happy being in the flat that you were paying for I’m sure. That is the person that calls himself a man. People like John (men that make me ashamed to be a man), will suck a good woman dry, and will give nothing in return, because they are expecting the woman to keep tolerating their mediocrity, all in the name of nurturing their potential. They look for a woman to leech on. Some desperate ones, just to hang unto a man, don’t recognise the man as a parasite. If Moyo was my sister, and she told me her boyfriend didn’t allow her buy a car and a house, that man will get an earful from me, and I will let the whole of my family descend on him, he wants to dim her shine, so that he can feel like a man.”

    • Mz Socially Awkward…. November 14, 2012 at 12:14 am

      Amingo, honey, you’re really starting to tick me off but what the heck, cyber-space is free country for all. Could you please go back and READ the article (which you literally admitted you hadn’t even done when you started responding blindly to comments WHICH PEOPLE WHO READ THE ARTICLE have so far made) before you jump back into the comment section to continue your current debate?

      Ain’t none of us here said anything about Michelle Obama “dating down” or however you termed it. We’ve simply been sharing experiences and opinions about relationships in the Nigerian setting BECAUSE the writer of the article expressly alluded to the fact that Michelle met Barak when he was not even her subordinate (whatever that means to the writer) and yet refused to view him as being beneath her (again, whatever that means to the writer). Nigerian women were then asked to take a leaf out of Michelle’s book and the above comments have been made by (mostly) Nigerian women who are responding to that clarion call.

      Please read first and then comment afterwards because you’ve got a few things ass-backwards, excuse my french.

  • mfon November 13, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Nah Michele didn’t marry potential. She married a next to guaranteed good thing. he was attending Harvard and was completing a summer internship in a top law firm in Chicago. Back in the day when being a lawyer in the U.S. paid really good, that was a guarantee financially stable husband. It’s not so bad now for lawyers but not as good as back then

  • Amingo November 13, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    Jide… I don’t have a problem with English to answer your first question. I don’t even have an issue with the ladies ranting about men..that has been a norm from the beginning of the world. What I have a problem with is the word “Nigerian men” if you had taken your time to read through my comments you would have realised that was my main point of concern..as I mentioned men who are not from Nigeria had fallen to the normal accusations of Nigerian men(promiscuous). You talk about a “sinking ship” and you also agree that it is a figure of speech..I believe… “cool de sac and high earned professional” could be interpreted in whatever way u wish to… a sinking ship is a ship that has no hope of redemption..to refer to a man that you have been a relationship with in that manner, in my opinion is absolutely way out of order…is she his God….people are motivated by different things in life…the poor boy has rich parents…he was brought up in a soft way…we do not know if his immigrations status encouraged him to achieve all this lady wanted him to…..so because he has not lived up to her expectations he is a sinking ship..and you Jide have the impudence to ask me if I understand English…I am an English man know? I speak and understand English language proficiently. If I refer to my HOUSE as my house what crime have I committed? Some women get married and get their spouse to sign a prenuptial…what is bad in that…my wife has her house, her car and her bank account… I have mine..What crime have I committed? Jide it is I who should ask you that in what context does the lady mean by referring to the man has a sinking ship…. you tell me?

    • atutupoyoyo November 14, 2012 at 11:35 pm

      i totally give up on uncle Amingo…….u are just a bush man and u can never gerrit…….

  • Busola November 13, 2012 at 10:37 pm

    I read all the comments, and there were some very interesting and thought-provoking comments on this topic. Nobody is right, nobody is wrong. I found out recently that the issue of choosing someone to be with is something that requires you knowing and hearing from God, you cannot spot it with your natural eyes. Why?? Because God knows you and he knows what is best for you. Congrats to the ladies who didn’t marry their lazy boyfriends. And before you give yourself too much credit, it was because God knew they weren’t best for you. There are mediocre marriages, good marriages, and great marriages. We don’t even know if the Obama’s are having a mediocre marriage since we all as humans have perfected the art of pretence. My point is motive is key. Be honest with yourself, be honest with God. Work on you. Everyone was born with a purpose, and there is no such thing as a sorry excuse or sinking ship of a man. Those lazy boyfriends could turn billionaires tomorrow, and the ones who had money today could be broke tomorrow. Go to the source and define your values.

  • Amingo November 14, 2012 at 12:41 am

    @ Cynthia …lol Our home is in a cul de sac (english lesson) and Jide “high earned professional”…how hard some people make me laugh…hmmm Cynthia my dear “Cul de sac” is a French word o not English…I quoted it as cool de sac because of the spur of the moment…I am not french..and I don’t need a lesson in one…Jide, high earned..is a slang for professionals who get paid very well for doing a job!!!..pele..head master..lol..Jide, I am not upset neither am I picking on Moyo..(apologies if I come across as so). I live in the UK, and the amount of times I have heard that phrase”Nigerian men this..Nigerian men that”…It just throws me off…like other men from other part of the world don’t make our mistakes…I responded to Moyo’s because she referred to the poor chap as a “sinking ship”..not my business either…but I felt that was harsh!!. When people relocate or migrate from other part of the world.. especially somebody who has had it good all his life( Kids with well placed parents) as she described the chap..trust me it is hard..a lot of things can be responsible for his failures or him being laid back…Immigration, accent or just the cultural imbalances …that does not mean he is a “sinking ship”….we all have been through it, it just takes longer for some of us to hit the target..but surely one day they will..without your parents most times in Nigeria its difficult to show case your potentials to employers..as the system is a man know man system..the poor chap might just be used to daddy and mummy’s support..he is in a strange world, strange environment and a total different playing field in the Uk…(my opinion)..

    • damie November 14, 2012 at 8:29 am

      Have you considered that maybe the females here are referring to Nigerian men because those are the men they are most familiar with? 2) the writer specifically mentioned Nigerian women and said all we look for is brazilian hair and yet you have no problem with that 3) yes, your english is bad. “High-earning” professional not earned 4)why are you making so many excuses for this Moyo’s ex? Wasn’t she in the same difficult environment too? If he couldn’t succeed in the UK why not come back to Nigeria? Sinking ships have nothing to do with wealth, any one that won’t encourage you and has no ambition is a sinking ship. Finally maybe your “partner” didn’t regularise her papers so that you would marry her? Abi, you say you are a British citizen

    • John November 14, 2012 at 10:27 am

      Amingo,
      I’m glad you are saying it the way it is. I’m so sick of some of these women coming on BN and trying to play the victim to get some sympathy. A sinking ship in my opinion is someone who never tried. They either could not complete high school or college and have no trade or skill to fall back on. The guy in question (Moyo’s former boo) did all that. His parents happen to have the funds to send him to a University in the UK without him having to work. The last time I checked, that wasn’t a crime. As a matter of fact, the UK authorities in most cases expect the foreign students to have enough funds to cover their tuition and living expenses. They do not want people coming over there and taking over jobs meant for British citizens. The only reason Moyo worked was because her parents simply could not afford to fund her college like her former boo. If they could, I bet she wouldn’t have had to hold down any job as she claimed. And knowing Nigerian women and money (no money = no love), I bet she benefited partially from the allowance that was sent to her former boo while they were in school. That was until she got her high paying job.

      I have a sister who is married with kids. When they were in Nigeria, the husband was the primary bread winner. Eventually, he lost his job and they had to move to Europe. When they got there, she became the primary bread winner. At a point, she told me that the husband began to feel inferior. She had to reassure him that it was okay; he had nothing to worry about. She understood the new environment and didn’t let her success get to her head. They are still in Europe and their kids are all in the University.

      Going by Moyo’s assertions, I guess he would be considered a “sinking ship” and a bad role model for their children. It all boils down to the value system one has. If you let money rule you and your present success, you will end up like the Moyos of the world. What is she going to do next if god forbid, her new beau looses that VP job and can’t find another gig as good? Is she going to trade him in for the Heart Surgeon down the street? After all, the Heart Surgeon would even make a better provider and an outstanding role model for their children.

      • Damie November 14, 2012 at 11:30 am

        LOOOOOL!!!! The insecure men unite. Both of you sound exactly like the type of man moyo described. Once your woman has more money, next thing you would shout “is it because you are making more money?”. Abeg, sit all the way down.

      • Moyo November 14, 2012 at 2:46 pm

        As for you John. Its not my fault that the kind of women you associate with are the type that Mayowa described. The ones who expect money from their men. The brazilian weave, blackberry babes. So of course, you have not really associated with successful women, and you can’t handle one. Enjoyed from his allowance from home? How now, my parents raised me better. When I was working. You say we shouldn’t stereotype 9ja men, yet you are stereotyping me. I enjoyed his money indeed. LOL. I have pride in the work of my hands, and a UK student visa allows you to work 20 hours a week, and I was fine, and not expecting money from him. We were not even in the same location, I probably spent more on train and bus fares, going to see him.
        Tell the truth John, you probably haven’t dated successful, high achieving women (they’ve always been out of your reach), so your resentment is showing. It is likely too that you don’t have high flyers, game changers as friends too, cos a man who walks in the midst or is associated with such people won’t talk like you do. Your envy and ignorance is showing. Do you secretly resent successful people, and blame them for your unachieving life? Cos you have a huge chip on your shoulder, blaming the system for not allowing a black man to succeed. You keep mentioning my man losing his job, bad belle o, back to sender. You are not even one tenth the man he is, and you dont know his plans or projections for his life. People with the skills that he has, don’t stay jobless for long. You can’t even understand that, cos like I said before, the circles that you move in is limiting your view of the world. With the Lord on our side and with me as his rock, working and praying with him, and believing in him, supporting him, egging him on to move to higher heights, we’ll do just fine. You know what he calls me? His rock and his secret weapon. That’s a man that knows your worth as a woman. You on the other heand, heaven forbid the woman in your life, wants to do well for herself. You will stifle that spark instantly. Mschew

    • Lucy November 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm

      You are making sooooooo many excuses for this Moyo’s ex ehn, it makes you look really really stupid. Sorry to say. I’ve never heard such BS in my life. They faced the same Immigration status. Didn’t you read that they left Nigeria together? They both studied for a Masters degree, so they started on the same level playing field. Her personal qualities, her drive, her independence pushed her far ahead in front of him, and she should have what, molly coddled him the way his parents did. Have you ever wondered why it is the children from struggling parents that end up very successful like Jide said. None of what you typed makes any sense. Did mummy and daddy tell him not to tailor his applications? You will blame his parents too? A man that cannot get his act together is someone else’s fault. John, a sinking ship is not a ship that hasn’t tried, a sinking ship, is one thatlet its problems overcome it, rather than strive to stay afloat. An immigrant has a lot of things against them, but some of us have managed to raise our head above water and become successful. So, all the excuses you and amingo are giving, are the mantra of losers. If you like harass me for calling Moyo’s ex a loser, that is exactly what he is. She wrote that she was also looking for job ads for him to apply for, while she was job hunting. He refused to apply for them, until the jobs closed. Amingo, Ajoke, copied and pasted that bit in her coomment, it obviously didn’tgo through your shallow brain, and narrow mind. Mummy and daddy made his life easy in 9ja and that’s an excuse to be a namby pamby in the UK. If he could claim benefits from the govt, i’m sure he will be first on the queue. Oniranu jati jati, lai nikan se, alapa ma sise. He even had the nerve to stop her from buying a car and a house. How, how, how, will you not refer to such a man as a sinking ship. He doesn’t want you to progress, so that you can stay at his level. Jide, bless u jare. You are a real man, the kind of male perspective that we needed. Your comment was so mature and intelligent, Amingo just sounds like a she-man ranting. John on the other hand belongs in the 1800′s. Moyo, take 5, i’m happy for you that you took to your heels, before one man will pour sand into your garri. The garri your parents struggled to give you, that you have turned into filet mignon. Good luck with your current man, he sounds great, and he sounds like someone who will let the star in you shine forth, while you also let his star soar. All the best dear.

    • Moyo November 14, 2012 at 2:05 pm

      Amingo, do you realise that, with your comments, you are just confirming the impression people have about not just Nigerian men, but what the white man thinks of the African man. Always, always making excuses for their failures. Rather than face the problem, admit the mistake and learn from it. Anyone can correct your english, you don’t have to let your ego come in the way, and give a lame excuse, which just makes you look stupid. Your excuse of typing Cul de sac as cool de sac is laughable. Seriously!!!!! So, because it’s French, and not English, that’s the best you can come up with. OMG. Lol, lol, lol, lol. Spur of the moment, yeah right. You typed it the way you pronounce it, so of course you wrote cool de sac. I hope you dont tell that to your boss. Sorry Sir/Ma, i just disgraced myself and the company at a very important presentation, it was just a spur of the moment thing. Also “an high earned professional”, egbami, and you were still explaining it to Jide, LMAO, without realising your gbagaun. Did you say you can speak and write English proficiently? A HIGH EARNING PROFESSIONAL. Repeat after me slowly.

    • MattDickinson November 14, 2012 at 3:15 pm

      Amingo & John — Can you read at all? Didn’t you read the part where Moyo said “I even looked for job ads for him, while i was job hunting bros will tell me he has heard, till the job will close.” She was looking up jobs for this guy and the Lazy a** was doing nothing about it — That is what you call a sinking ship. She was trying to help someone who didn’t want to help himself. Those kind of men will drag you down. She left the guy and you guys just automatically concluded that it was because of money or wealth. She wanted a guy with drive and a goal to succeed. Coming from a wealthy family or having your parents pay for school is no excuse to be a lazy bone. I have parents that paid my fees to get my MBA and JD degree from Yale — Not once did I get lackadaisical. Yes they could afford it but them spending that money to get those two degrees was a huge sacrifice to me they were making. I worked even harder and never took the sacrifices for granted. I didn’t want to be put in the same box as the typical Nigerian guy whose rich parents pay his education and all he does is act like a lazy bum. Having wealthy parents is no excuse to be a lazy bum. I have two younger sisters and there is absolutely no way I will let them date lazy bones like Moyo’s ex. John, you come across as the guy that will resent an independent successful woman –that’s probably why you have not met any.

      • Eve May 5, 2013 at 12:03 pm

        Valid point u have made. Cheers!

  • Tee baby November 14, 2012 at 8:03 am

    aming, reading all ur comment, it’s a different ball game out there and he has not found his way around it but how do you explain the fact that he is stopping her from achieving (let her buy a house or car). Was he not suppose to support her rather than pull her down. I really want to hear your views on that.

  • temitope November 14, 2012 at 9:05 am

    @aya temitope: thanks so much for the words of encouragement………u just heightened my hope and my faith, i believe….i believe very soon, God will send me my own “temitope” lol…..thanks and all the best in your marriage.

    • Aya Temitope November 14, 2012 at 9:12 pm

      Thanks sis and God bless u *kisses*

  • olah November 14, 2012 at 10:39 am

    I think the most important thing is to 1st discover yourself, the only way to do this is to develop your relationship with JESUS through the HOLY SPIRIT. It makes you whole, free to love and not expect anything back.
    I have since spread my tent, i do not look at race,ethnic or any of those things that divide. I am looking for a man i can pour my love on and expect nothing back, someone i can add value to. One of the most powerful laws on earth is the law of sowing and reaping. I know without a doubt we will find each other, this is not wishful thinking, i know this because i am working hard at it. I want to be able to say at the end of my life ”I LOVED, I gave my best”

  • Mr G November 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Touche @ Olah

  • Moyo November 14, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    To all the women, who have commented, kudos to you girls. I’m glad that there r still strong women, with a good head on your shoulders, who r dispelling the myth of the brazilan weave, gucci bag, iphone nigerian woman. You girls ROCK BIG TIME and I pray you find good, honest hardworking men who will love, honour, support and appreciate you. Men who will recognise your potential to be great and will help you on the ladder to reach there. Its not just a one way street, that it’s the woman that will recognise the potential, and support her man to achieve his dreams. Its a two way phenomenon.
    There are great Nigerian men out there, who are diamonds in the rough, some are on their way to greatness, and some have already made it, and will achieve more, because they have you in their life. If your path crosses the already made one, don’t let anyone accuse you or make you fell bad about your decision. Afterall, you will be with the man, and not them, plus half the time, it is envy talking, and they don’t wish you well. They want you at their level. Misery loves company. If you can recognise his potential (recognise it o, and don’t keep praying it will appear, its not a Lord given right, some men have it, some don’t), be prepared to struggle it out with him, and never stop believing in him. The lazy ones will show their true colours in time, if you open your eyes well, and pray for direction. Their intentions for you will show, like my ex did. His actions, were the answer to my prayers. At the end of the day, do what is best for you. Let everyone choose their standard. The world is big enough for all.
    To Jide and Kola S, the refinement of thought, maturity and intelligence displayed from your comments, gladdens my heart. I had to shout out to you guys too. You are the ones, that are not the norm we see with Nigerian men. Keep it up.
    I sent this article to a number of people (colleagues, friends, family), of different races and walks of life. Cripes, I probably shouldn’t have, cos if you should hear their feedback on Mayowa’s article, even Uche and the BN team will feel sad for putting up such on the internet. Una no want know wetin the oyinbo’s (male and female) said. I have to now spend more time and effort, telling them that Nigerians are not as backward and ignorant. Lol…………….

    • Vee November 14, 2012 at 4:39 pm

      Moyo I get that you went through a bad relationship but you really need to chill. You may have moved on to your fantastic relationship but you sound like there’s still so much bitterness – its not healthy. You guys just took what the writer said out of context and ran with it with serious venom. Oya I apologise that the writer generalised and said ‘the Nigerian lady’ but surely it is obvious that he doesnt mean every Nigerian woman. Its is true that some women are as he described but it is true that some women as like ‘michelle’ and some will marry men with potential and some will even marry no potentials. But all this men bashing its not good and I’m not a man. I am about to generalise too – but we use our mouth to kill and bring down as opposed to uplift. Ahn ahn. Foreigners are abusing Nigerians, Nigerians are abusing Nigerians and we wonder why we are the way we are. Your ex had issues but who doesnt have issues? It is well.

    • fan of moyo November 14, 2012 at 7:39 pm

      i love u!!! God bless dearie..x

    • Jedi November 16, 2012 at 2:14 am

      team Moyo here! yayyyyyy!

    • Chysom November 16, 2012 at 6:37 pm

      This babe you are too intelligent, my kinda girl, carry go… Reading your comments alone should have told these people you are no sorry excuse for a girl, but dem wan form arguement, guess they met their match.. Some people hav accused me of being too pro-women and I tell them, nooooooo, I lurrrvv women that work hard and I don’t like it when men feel intimated by that.. I am sooo team moyo!!! Infact are you on Facebook? Make I go find you..

    • Rachael Kelly-Taylor November 16, 2012 at 8:53 pm

      Team Moyo — Keep doing your thing

  • ProlificWriter November 15, 2012 at 10:36 am

    I love Moyo die!!!

  • KII November 15, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Pls can u do a post on who shld say I love u first?

  • Traditionalbay November 16, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    Moyo and John would make a lovely couple o…i just know so! *running away*

  • Oladiran November 17, 2012 at 4:42 am

    Funny though how it all became personal……in the end doesn’t seem like there’s an understanding to the whole issue….for the generalization…pardon me it would forever continue… that’s how human beings and their interactions work.
    All men are dogs, All women are bitches…..would it make a difference? There would forever be whte men who beleive africa is a jungle inhabited by monkeys or surprised that a black man can speak english….u don’t like that #hugatransformer
    For me, the writer didn’t go anywhere amiss, its an opinion and from all the comments above you all don’t agree…tough luck
    Personally, you show the strength and agility of a lion, you would attract a lion…..don’t blame the whole world that you didn’t recognize that it was a large dog and when you do learn your lessons and move along peacefully, share your experiences and hope others learn significantly from that
    From all of your comments, I have learnt a lot
    Finally pursue your vision/purpose with so much vigor and only those that can match that pace would be able to tag along, that how a marathon is ran…..and peeps “life not marriage/partnerships is a marathon”

  • AnONYMouS November 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    The comments here cracked me up omg!

  • Jatropha November 19, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Yes Michelle is being seen today as a perfect mate for Obama because of the kind of man Obama is.She in the Nigerian society does not even qualify to be a happy house wife with only two daughters.Am sure she would have either been thrown out by now or be forced to accept another woman as a second wife to produce male Child.

    Therefore,as good and supportive Michelle has been to Obama,95% of Nigerian men will still not value her on the account of her male child deficiency.

    Mhmm. Nigerian women are really sufferings.

    I rest my case.

  • Adunni November 20, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    I just had a rant about this same issue to my sister. I am tired of this comparison. My people are once again comparing apples and corn. These are two VERY different things. Michelle did not marry beneath her and this is my analysis. She was a HARVARD LAW graduate (Kindly note the caps) He was a black MALE HARVARD LAW graduate (Also note the caps) he had no priors, had never been in prison, did not have 5 kids from five different women, did not have baby mama drama and he probably didn’t have bad credit except for his student loans. That was who he was at the time and i am certain that if you asked any African American women they will tell you that finding that combination in a black male was back then and still is not easy. 2. Barack Obama stood for something and he worked for it. He was passionate about the things he stood for and worked tirelessly for it. Which was why one of the first few places he too Michelle to was to one of such events. 3. Barack Obama knew what he wanted from day one and he went for it. He was not shy about it. He did not play games he was direct. he didn’t have an ego problem, he was not disrespectful to her, he did not discuss her with other colleagues. I could go on and on. I wish for one minute that Nigerian Men would really look at this Barack Obama and try to emulate the things he stands for instead of writing bullshit articles like this

  • sweery November 21, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Miss Moyo, as much as i understand your plight and what you went through with your ex-boyfriend whom you have tagged a loser. I’ll love it if you can forget all that and move on, the rate at which you are running this guy down i pray he doesn’t stumble on this site anytime soon because it will really break him, plus there are two sides to a story and we only heard yours.
    And be prayerful on this new guy as well, my dear no man is perfect so do not count your eggs until they re hatched. i wish you luck in your new found love and i admire your success.

  • cha-cha November 22, 2012 at 11:36 am

    John! John!! John!!! How many tyms did I call you? Go and rest. If I type what’s on my mind you won’t like at all. BN, thanks for this wonderful article. But it should ve bn titled -The. Tales of John & Moyo. Love you moyo.team moyo rocks baby.

  • whumey November 28, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    nice article. the comments very intense. ~whew.

  • Lolade December 1, 2012 at 12:18 am

    Oh my! After a long hard week with my nose to the grindstone, this was the perfect gift for me. Have spent hours going through all the comments(after reading the article,of course! Take that,”Uncle Amingo”!…what the heck does “Amingo” mean anyway?”) So much fun coming across such a full complement of colourful characters: the smart-as -a-whip ladies such as Moyo, Pissed, Idak, Ajoke, &Cynthia (ladies, methink y’all are the genuine article(s) &wish we could meet in the flesh!)…; the utter phonies like John (I’m sure he’s had a barrage of Dear John letters in his past, cos he sure sounds like it!), and of course our inimitable Uncle Amingo (I think you are one of those unf ortunate souls who has made the grave error of equating UK/US citizenship status with breeding &pedigree. Kindly get an English tuotor ASAP!); and of course, a host of others too many to mention. My two-cents this; an error of judgement in life is to think there are such things as absolute truths / lies. Each of us has to find our truth and accept that, even that will always be in a constant state of flux. I dated and (of course) ditched a “sinking ship” (yes, I used those infamous words again,lol) and this discussion brough it all back. I do not regret my decision in any way, but a note of caution to all ladies: please let’s leave these men with a shred of dignity whenever the time to move on rolls by…the factors that make/made them who they are can be so complex. A clean break I recommend,but as minimally traumatic as possible! Lol . Bless you all,peeps.

  • Lolade December 1, 2012 at 12:31 am

    *typo Tutor. And I forgot to mention the seasoned men capable of examining & commenting on a discourse with such admirable insight such as Jide, Kola. S and MattDickinson. Ain’t I lucky I’m happily married to such a fab bloke as you guys?! Lol. Bless up.

  • Abygurl December 1, 2012 at 2:44 am

    Its as if dis article was written cos of me,and here is my story,my BF and I went to d same polytechnic,we have been dating for 6yrs,he was a student and was working as a contract staff in one of d major oil company in Nigeria,after my HND in polytechnic,I was scared of d high rate of discrimination btw d HND and d BSC,and I went in for another degree program in the university,I urge my Bf to do same bt he gave me d excuse age was nt on his side 2 do d same&i accepted,ever since den I have been trying all possible means to make him further more even if is just a PG program ,all to no avail,he is so contended with his contract Job and d little salary,while in school,each time we had an arguement he made it knwn to me he is doin me a favour in dating me cos am a student and he is working class&dis really pisses me off,immediately after my B.SC I got a Job in a construction company cos dat my area of specialization and quickly enroll 4 my Masters,my darling boyfrnd is not just interested in going further,he made it knwn to me he just managed to complete d HND he has,I feel so devastated cos,I feel I cud nurtur his potentials been d fact we come a long way,we wud have been married a long time,but he says he can’t marry a woman dat is not working&he was waiting 4 me 2 get a Job.I met dis new guy 8month ago&we were best of friends b4 we fell in love,he is all I want in a man,he has both his Bsc and masters education in the UK and has been showing a lot of interest in me,he made his intention knwn to me dat he want to marry me,he introduce me to his Family&want me to do d same,bt am so confuse right now,cos wat will I tell my Family&friends that are all Familiar with my bF& also my so called BF dat have waited dis long 4 us to be married,I don’t want to make a mistake pls can sum1 advice me and Regret my actions.

  • spiritual babe December 13, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    my dear girl your bf is not ready to move forward and pls don’t be like most yourba women especially Ibadan women who fend 4 there family there Husbands inclusive and their husbands does little or nothing to add to the family.its really pathetic.. Marriage is a lifetime thing if you want it to be, so make the right choice and move on with your new guy. i believe u will never regret because you have tried your best to encourage him and he has decided 2 be mediocre which will eventually affect and make you work your ass off in that marriage.if you are born again ask the holy spirit to guide and lead and he will.

  • bkk December 13, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Me I am looking for a job o and am sure moyo can help as I would also like to meet you……lol

  • jyde December 14, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    Well i never.Is this how una read book get money nijah dey yabb unaself?
    people check yourselves,people are diffrent,some good some not so.
    However it seems as if bad experiences have left many with a complete mistrust of would be suitors.
    Who am i to comment?im just going by what ive read,and guys its not pretty.
    Doesnt anyone see beyond wetin person get?
    Until you do youre gonna be running round in cicles,instead of being open and agenda free.
    Make una no vex o. BUT!!

  • oj July 16, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    the writer didnt say all naija women want brazilian hair and co. But at the same time, just want to say i am proud of the naija women who are working hard and the naija men who are man enough to support them while working hard too. i am proud of women who do not depend on a man for what she needs to take good care of herself, cos sad to say, some ladies i have observed are not interested in working hard. that’s why they search for ‘ready made’ men and at the end of the day find themselves in homes where they are miserable and dont have a say, so they say negative things about their friends who made still be single but are taking good care of themselves. To all ladies, continue working hard and keep moving forward.

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