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BN Hot Topic: After Waiting For So Long, Should I Just Let It Go?

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At BellaNaija, we’re always looking for ways to make our readers happy. We like to maintain positivity, and share our experiences; because the truth is, we’re here to help each other and pull ourselves up. Some might argue that it’s just names on your computer or your phones, but the truth is every one that visits BN is real to us. We value your opinion and your positive contributions especially because other people come here and take something good away. They share the good news and this is what makes us tick at BellaNaija.

Last week, I received an email from one of our readers. Her story was very interesting and I mailed her back asking if she wanted me to share it with our readers.

“Yes, I do. That’s the reason I mailed you”

So I’ve done exactly that. I really hope you guys can help. Your comments would go a long way in providing perspective for her.

***

I’ve had a crush on Yemi O since 1997. Yes, a crush can last for that long. He was my neighbor and, other than the cursory hi and hello any time he came to borrow our lawn mower, he didn’t speak to me much. I knew he attended the University of Ilorin and there I was in SS2 at the University Secondary School. I don’t even think he knew anything about me other than my name, then one day we were piling ourselves into the car to go to school and he strolled into our compound. He asked my older cousin if he could go with us to school because there was fuel scarcity and he couldn’t get a cab. Next thing I knew we were re-arranging ourselves and he was right beside me. It was a 20 minute ride to school and all I knew is that Ralph Lauren’s Polo Sport was probably made in heaven. It was a heady feeling. Every bump on the University road pushed me even closer to Yemi. I remember keeping my hands curled up in a ball because all my teenage hormones were raging and it took the pressure in my hands to prevent me from reaching out to touch. I just needed to touch to confirm that this was real and I wasn’t in a Nora Roberts novel.  The boy didn’t even notice me, but believe that for the next 2 years, he was the centre of my universe till I had to move to Lagos.

Ten years later, I “found” him on Facebook. One thing led to another and we started talking. He works  in Maryland, US as a management consultant. He plays basketball on Tuesdays after work…He told me everything except his status. I didn’t know if he was single or not. I didn’t ask. Shebi he was always calling me and if he had a girlfriend or he was engaged, he would not be calling me so often. Sometimes we’d talk for 2 hours just being ourselves. I was in my final year in University ( The story of how I was still in University 9 years after secondary school is a story for another day!) Anyway, so Yemi and I were like peas in a telephone pod. He then said he liked me. Me, “I like you too. When will you come to Nigeria so we can see again?”. He promised to come as soon as he could take time off work. The following year, he said he was working on getting some professional certification so he was really busy studying.  I didn’t mind, because I like forward thinking men. I don’t have a name for whatever it is we were doing over our telephones and internet but it was great. I mean I was happy. I had a friend, confidant and well someone who said “I love you” to me on the regular.

Anyway, his Dad died in 2010 and he came home so I saw him after so long. Oh gawd! He surpassed all my expectations. In my head, the next thing was to get ready to introduce him to my parents formally na!  During that trip I saw him exactly 4 times. The day he came, the day of the burial, (Yes, I travelled to Isanlu-Isin), the day after the burial when he came to tell my cousin and I “thanks for coming oh!” and when he got back to Lagos and he said we should have drinks one evening. After that I just kinda figured okay maybe he wasn’t really into me and the communication dwindled after that. It stung a bit but I pulled myself up and moved on.

Fast forward to 2012, he has moved back to Lagos and the calls have resumed. I think at the back of my mind that day in 1997  has left an indelible mark in my brain and I think one part of me will permanently want him. However, my brain doesn’t stop working, I feel I should just tell this dude to keep it moving. But, what if he’s the real deal? I mean I’m STILL single and I’m not exactly a spring chicken. What if we’re really meant to be together. What if he’s THE ONE?

What should I do?  HELP!

So what do you guys think? Do you believe that some people are actually soul mates? Written in the stars, that sort of thing? Do you think she should go for it this time? Do you think she should tell Mr. Yemi to take a long walk

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

101 Comments

  1. Nma

    June 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    ummmm…..just simply ask him: “ARE YOU SINGLE?”

    It didn’t require all this writeup in my opinion. No brainer there….cos its obvious that is what u’re scared of the most.

    • Nike

      June 14, 2012 at 2:59 pm

      My dear, I could hug you for this statement. I cant believe this chick has put herself through hell for years when all she had to ask was one questions…”Are you seeing somebody?” Shikena!!! Problem solved!! Babes like wahala shaaa

    • bukky

      June 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

      so at that age you are scared to ask a man whether he is single or taken and cant muster the courage to inquire why he treated you the way he did. girl just forget it coz the relationship is unfairly unbalanced right from the onset and doesn’t sound healthy to me. the way a man treats you when he wants to date you is a strong indicator of what the relationship would be like in the future so if he ignores you whenever he pleases and calls you when he feels like it then i leave the rest to your imagination
      this is exactly what people mean when they say we women cause problems for ourselves because you seem so desperate to get your mr right that you are overlooking stark warnings and settling. woman up and find a replacement crush r beg,its for your own good

    • Sandi

      June 14, 2012 at 8:57 pm

      Chei God bless you. As in that’s all I got from the message. Is he single or not? hian!!!
      She wants to know if she should get over the thing…which thing na?

    • Purpleicious Babe

      June 14, 2012 at 10:32 pm

      i AGREE WITH bukky ohh… lol. but yeah woman up hun…

      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

  2. ada

    June 14, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    I think she should bare her mind to the guy and see what happens.If he isnt into her, she can move on and date someone else. No harm in trying.

  3. Bee

    June 14, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    I think you guys need to talk about the elephant in the room. He is probably just as cluesless as you. The only way you can figure things out is if you talk with him. Tell him how he has made you feel, how he is making you feel. Im a firm believer of talking things out. The worst response you can get is a No, im not interested. But you will never know until you talk to him. so yeah! #teamtalkthingsout

  4. efe

    June 14, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    But he has not said any thing to you about his status,cause right now ,it is like assuming that he is single and of course saying l love you on a regular basics for some people it is nothing,no strings attached,it is best to know His status and if he is as free as a bird.Go girl……….

  5. Observer

    June 14, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Dear, simply have a Define The Relationship talk with him. (I got that phrase from http://www.boundlessline.org)

  6. gurly

    June 14, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Ok. its time for u to be real with urself n with him. U’ve known him long enough already, so sit him down and ask him all the questions running thru ur mind. And when u say u want him, do u mean as a life partner or just for sex? If the answers seem sensible I’d say take the risk..if it works, great! If it doesnt, at least u tried n there will be no woulda coulda shouldas. Go for it.. d biggest risks yield d greatest rewards u know.

    • doppleganger

      June 14, 2012 at 9:23 pm

      I couldn’t agree more… and I am speaking from being in the same kinda situation (long time crush). Nothing sucks more than not knowing whether a dude likes you back *sighs*. Mine like was sorta like yours, i’d known the dude from my high school days; today we’re best friends and always prayed if I would be with anyone ever, it would be him…

      Like @observer said, we had a “define the relationship” talk and cleared the air. Turned out dude liked me too but things still did not change… (guess sometimes you like someone so much and when you get to a point you’re scared to date them for fear of loosing everything if things don’t go right). Darling, you never get answers to questions unless you ask… put yourself out there and see how it turns out…

      unlike me, that might be your own happy ending… and if not, hey, dust yourself off and move on… I’m pretty sure there’s someone out there who thinks you’re worth it all… #YOLO stereotypic? yea, i know 😀

  7. gbeminiyi

    June 14, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    If I were in your shoes this is what i ll do: Mayb u shuld really try talking to him to get to know what he feels for u, he honestly might not say but atleast u have heard from him. try as much as possible to find out what he is up to, if he is in a serious relations and all, just to clear urself, in these days of bbm, if ur patient, i think u can get some truth out to know him more, altho i understand that some pple can really be good at hiding themselves. Above everything, you shuld pray about it, that is if ur looking to serious n not just date it cos u have had a crush on him for so long, tell it to the Lord. commit it into prayers and if your at peace with it, u can take the risk of being in a relationship with him. life is all about risk and before we make most decisions, we have accepted to take the risk involved. just be yourself and do not show u overly love him, let him love you more, even though you, careful how you express it, follow his leads and just keep praying for both of you……I hope I wrote it well and your able to take something positive out of this, I wish you the very best. what will be your, will yours at God’s time.

  8. laidus

    June 14, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    hmmm interesting, but asking him doesn’t really mean he will tell u the exact truth, thats my fear with US naija men. they never tell the truth, just because of what they want to get, i live in US with these guys if u as a female do not act smart this guys will play you. I am pretty sure u r as pretty as u were in 2007 so what happened then? Go with ur head then ur heart with this kind of situation. You can ask him if he is available or wat not, and u can decided to continue talking to him but mama, pls do not keep all ur eggs in one basket with this Mr.Yemi. i belive we all have that special guy or lady but normally that special guy or lady will not make u doubt their feeling to-wards you. If by any chance you are a christian i ask u to seek God’s face if u at the marriage point in your life, u don’t some yetunde from Maryland US calling u to leave her husband!!!

  9. somebody

    June 14, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    Ah, ah…no need for all the story, just ASK, simple! You’re welcome 😀

  10. QueenofEverything

    June 14, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Can I just say that if he wanted to be with you “officially” he would have done something about that by saying something to you.
    I suggest you bring it up, but brace yourself as there’s most likely to be someone else. It’s going to hurt like hell and you will come up with so many questions, you’ll get mad and eventually get over it. If he has been stringing you along for this long, he does not want more from you than what you already have.
    I could be wrong, but set yourself free by asking those difficult questions.

  11. MAMA PUT

    June 14, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    You guys have known each other long enough and well enough I guess. After everything, be confident enough to ask him where you’re at and what his intentions are. If they don’t align with what you want, tell him you’re not interested, close that chapter and move on. But if he states that he’s ready to have a stable meaningful relationship, pray about it, go ahead and hop on if convinced. Good luck my love, I pray you get what you want. God bless

  12. Omo

    June 14, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    I think you need to definitely have a talk with him. He may or may not feel the same way. Men are simple beings. If they want you they will show it. We ladies have a way of wanting something so much we can overlook certain things because of our feelings and end up getting hurt.

    My dear a man’s relationship status is the FIRST thing you should find out and CONFIRM. If a guy is not calling you or even showing any signs of interest in your life and what you are up to, then my dear that is not a positive sign. If a guys likes you, he will be thinking about you, which will lead him to call you. If you just can’t get him out of your head, then sit down and talk to him. Something tells me you already suspect the answer that is why you’re dreading having the conversation with him. Better late than never. If not, please focus on moving on. If a guy wants you he will come and get you. Seriously, no need for over analysis.

  13. Berry Choco Latte

    June 14, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Just calls? He hasn’t asked to meet up yet? Erm…

  14. Priscy

    June 14, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Hmmmmm…..just let him know how u feel about him…its either a yes or a no from him so u can move on with ur life. This has gone for too long without both of u understanding where u really stand in each others life. Also plz b careful as @laidus has said.

  15. DMV babe

    June 14, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    If he wanted to be with you, he would have said so by now. Trust me i’ve been there. I believe its time to move on. Pray and yours will truly come 🙂

  16. Abs

    June 14, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    secondary sch in 1997? meaning you should be in ur early 30s by now. I think you should have a serious talk with him and know where things stand. like you stated you aint that young so can’t afford the luxury of this kindda snail-pace relationship. have that TALK sis! Good luck!

    http://www.abadawoode.blogspot.com

    • Esther

      June 14, 2012 at 3:57 pm

      checked out your blog.very nice 🙂

    • Swthrt

      June 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

      My thoughts exactly @ age, by the way didnt/havent you met anybody? Or you have just blocked out other men because of him?

  17. Fauzy

    June 14, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Since he hasn’t said anything to you just play it kuul. it’s better that way

    • Justmeee

      June 14, 2012 at 6:29 pm

      Oh come on, so even when she clocks 40, and he hasn’t said anything, she should just keep playing cool. Since he clearly takes you as “just a good friend”, I suggest u open your heart for someone else. No siddon dere make pata dey where u oh. #deuces#

    • Justmeee

      June 14, 2012 at 6:31 pm

      Oh come on, so even when she clocks 40, and he hasn’t said anything, she should just keep playing cool. Since he clearly takes you as “just a good friend”, I suggest u open your heart for someone else. No siddon dere make pata dey wear u oh. #deuces#

  18. nancy

    June 14, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    In my own opinion i think u shud ask him ‘GUY WATS UP’ its better u know wat he really wants than leave based on assumption.All d best.

  19. Kenny

    June 14, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    In my opinion, i don’t think this dude wants to be bordered, trust me for this long if he wants u, he should have voiced it by now. One thing ladies of this day don’t understand, not every man out there, want to be bordered about relationship or marriage whatsoever you call, most dude like it single bc of the peace of mind they get of it. If u voiced it and he is not feeling u, that might destroy your friendship with him. Let me suggest something to u, try pulling his legs tell him that there is guy chasing u, and u think, u like him and see his reaction if looks jealous that will tell u that he cares and u go ahead and voice it to him. I hope this helps

  20. bukky

    June 14, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    me im not so sure i believe in this whole written in the stars bs so im going to say this. the writer needs to mature the hell up and start behaving like the adult she is. whats with the fear of asking a guy if he is single or taken… this is exactly how women end up getting themselves in trouble or heartbroken.
    by the looks of things it seems they are into each other but she really needs to get to the bottom of that snub a few years ago because any man that would snub you like that and later come back chatting rubbish is not worth it. but then again he might have been grieving so…
    seriously though, sit the man down, ask him waht happened back then and what are you plans for the future. if you feel you can hang, go for it, if not RUN as fast as your legs can take you
    also ask around, you never know he might be hiding a secret
    heartache is too serious a condition for anyone to fear doing research before they enter into any relationship and a relationship is definitely not worth it if you the woman goes into it desperate of feeling like you must settle because you are getting old

  21. Christiana

    June 14, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Well said, Omo. You are so right.

    Late last year, I became close to a guy whom I had been platonic friends with for five years. We were both single and it seemed as if we were heading for a relationship. We hung out together, spoke on the phone, chatted every day, admitted we liked each other etc. I even met his parents.

    Then in March, the calls dwindled to text messages, then to nothing. Visits became rare. A whole month went by and I didn’t hear a word from him or see him. Just like that. I suspected he was seeing someone else because I knew he was alive and well. No, I didn’t just suspect. I was 100% sure; from my past experiences. But like you, I was afraid of the answer so I didn’t ask when he finally called. Of course he gave me the ‘I’ve been very busy’ excuse.

    Finally, last month – after he performed another disappearing act then reappeared – I summoned up the courage to confront him and he told me he had a girlfriend. It stung, but I was happy to hear the truth. It gave me closure and I moved on.

    Sit down and ask this guy what he wants from you. If he doesn’t feel the same way, fine. Wish him well, no bitterness. Get up and move on to a good man who deserves you. If a guy wants you, trust me, he will show it through his words and actions. He won’t give you any reason to doubt his feelings. All the best.

  22. Gorgeous

    June 14, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    My dear, na wa. I dont know if the guy is really into you. I mean if those i love yous meant anything he would have spent a lil more time with you when he came to Nigeria. There are people who like playing with others feelings because it makes them feel wanted. Have you asked if he is married? You can deceive yourself and be satisfied with thee friendship and not knowing his relationship status. Now that the calls have resumed you can keep fooling yourself and letting yourself be the thing he releases tension off of when he is in Nigeria. The day his WIFE comes around, dont have a heart attack sha. Just prepare your mind for the worst in your state of ignorance. All those years…

  23. experienced lover

    June 14, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Girl! Ask the man if he is single, if he doesnt come out straight and say he is move along. Ask him after he says he single, what he wants to do. If he isnt ready to commit, tell him not to “block your sunshine”

  24. nicky

    June 14, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    i donot think u shld go ahead and ask him.a real man is not afraid to face his lady and tell her face to face abt his feelings when he meets one,unless he is a weakling.my dear,us girls donot like to hear a NO fr a guy we have a crush on,just put him into ur prayers.if he is the one,he will open up soon.hp u are not running towards menopause,so cool down.asking him might also spoil ur friendship.wish u luck

  25. Yeni

    June 14, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    I think you should sit him down and actually talk/tell him how you feel so everyone knows what’s on the table

  26. onut

    June 14, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    For all we know, the guy is probably there thinking Miss Lady is not so interested (but mehnnnn, she followed him to the village to bury his father, that must mean something!). I think he had something for you but due to other circumstances in his life (not necessarily another girl), he couldnt commit. Now he is in your space, be sharp young lady! Come out and ask him wassup. Let him know how you feel about him and what you are looking for. If he is on the same page with you, hurray! If he is not, then at least you know, and you can let it go and stop sending letters to Bella Naija 🙂

  27. oma

    June 14, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    my dear,forget this dude.move on with your life abeg.shooooooooooo…….mouth dey pain am niii.
    why should you be the one wallowing in uncertainty?if he is sure of what he feels,he will voice it out.Guys don’t hesitate in getting a girl they truly want,i bet you.
    if he is not saying it then he doesn’t feel it.
    waka now .com should be your level.
    Its also high time you stop talking to him even on phone.Let him get thinking cos he appears clueless to me.
    Ignore him for another week,appear busy,stop the dates.If he calls wondering whats up,disturbing and pestering,then you know he is interested,if not,babe,move on.
    Don’t just sit there,if you cant talk to him,ignore him(i mean totally).
    That will give you an absolute definition of where you both stand.

    9

    • Alero

      June 29, 2012 at 11:48 am

      u are the only one that seem to have spoken my mind. asking him ,4 me, feels like u are asking him out,literally. Just “press ignore” and move on up. No time!

  28. Gimmer

    June 14, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    i can tell you outright that the guy is not single. please, let try not to in our own selfish desires, ignore what peopple are “telling us” or “aren’t telling us”. i cant believe i sat through this epistle early in the morning thinking there is a really an issue you are getting at. thank me later!

  29. konnie

    June 14, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    A big part of your problem is that the relationship is ALL in your head. Yes, he talks to you over the phone etc. It is probably something he doesn’t mind doing (could also be a filler sort of to kill time ). If you become UNAVAILABLE physically, emotionally and ‘phonically’ (just made that up), you will probably get some reaction and be in a healthier mental state. If he asks why he can talk to you as usual, then you can state your case …. like talking to you is not good for me kind of thing…….

    Start looking out for other people to fill your time and emotions. If he wants you, he will step up. Chasing a man down doesn’t always payoff. by the way, if you are that much younger than him, he probably doesn’t think having an affair with you is heallthy… nuff said. use your brain

    • Lue

      June 14, 2012 at 4:26 pm

      you said it all.

  30. konnie

    June 14, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    I meant to say Chasing a man down doesn’t always payoff. by the way, if you are that much younger than him, he probably doesn’t think having an affair with you ISN’T healthy.

  31. lol

    June 14, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    My dear this is 2012, let your intentions be known to him, if he is the one you will know, but if not you take a long walk not him at least you have satisfied your couriousity rather than live with a regret of not confronting the issue.

  32. Esther

    June 14, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    Babe ,I think the guy is not that into you.Ask him about his status immediately and if you don’t get the right feedback,move on immediately.Keep praying,God will provide the right one for you.All the best dear!
    @bella naija keep up the good work 🙂

  33. Eveey

    June 14, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    Girl…. U shoulda asked him if he was single ages ago…. If y’all done talked about a lotta things then what’s so big about a li’l “Are U single”? Y’all both be going round in circles like U’re frigging teenagers. Ask him already…. geez… what does it take? It’s a harmless question….

  34. SheriO

    June 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    You can guess and calculate, assume and suspect all you want but you will never know till you ASK. Like some have said pray about it, talk about it. Be sincere with yourselves and if things are not as you would have liked then it will time to move on! God is still in control!

  35. Brendz

    June 14, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Girl listen to your instincts!!!!! That’s God ‘s voice o!…the first thought that popped into your head about this guy is the truth! Just move on, talking to him will suck you into a web of “I want him anyway, anyhow” ( you know how we women can want to “manage” anything). My dear STOP taking calls and emailing ….all this over-the-sea un-relationship.

  36. ij

    June 14, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    in ibo language they say gba kwa oso ka okpa gi ra, it means run as fast as your legs can carry you, so all these years it has not dropped from his mouth that you guys should at least date .
    The reason its bothering you is because you know already that this guy is not into you. Be sincere with yourself, it will help you in the long run.

    • Non professional opinion

      June 14, 2012 at 4:57 pm

      You have said all that needs to be said, the question is, will she listen?

  37. amara

    June 14, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    In ♏γ̲̣̣̥ opinion I. Think U̶̲̥̅̊ should jst. Ask him and hear wat he has to say. all d bst

  38. chiccc

    June 14, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    babes free the dude, a man who really wants a woman wld want to quickly wife her or at leaast have her comited to him before someone else snatches her up. after all this while he has not come to ask u out then>>>HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO U. his callin u up now is jst to see if u are still avaulable to play with and if u go have any silly talk with him he ll see u as kinda desperate.. lemme give u a scenerio, you go by a store and u see a beautiful new dress and its just ur size and u walk away nine years later u come back and its still there (even 9 weeks sef) my sister wont u prize it cheap???? thats wat u are doin to urself … nine years is too long for him to turn up and u are still eager, if he ur soul mate he ll come after u… He who FINDS a wife finds a good thing my 2kobo sha

  39. chiccc

    June 14, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    my dear he is playin u, and he is probably even married sef .. ah ah he didnt want pple to see u two together in d villa am sure (ok now my imagination is running wild) but on a more serz note dump this sucker.. he is bad news

    • Gimmer

      June 14, 2012 at 7:16 pm

      or could be she is enabling the guy to play her by being available all the darn time the guy comes calling

  40. Joygal

    June 14, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    A lot have been said already..be open-minded, be straight-forward, and don’t assume, ”ASSUMPTION-THAT’S THE WORST THING YOU CAN EVER DO”. It’s better to have a heartfelt talk with him, know where he stands about your friendship/relationship, whatever the outcome, don’t be bitter nor angry with him, then take a decision.. There’s a quote that goes thus; ”WHEN PEOPLE WALK AWAY FROM YOU..LET THEM GO. YOUR DESTINY IS NEVER TIED TO ANYONE WHO LEAVES YOU, AND IT DOESN’T MEAN THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE. IT JUST MEANS THAT THEIR PART IN YOUR STORY IS OVER”. So cheer up gal!!

  41. buffy bk

    June 14, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    my dear, i think i go with wat sum1 sed abt askin him with style like u hv sum1 who is into u nd serz abt marriage, so as nt to spoil ur relationship cz i think ds guy is nt dt into u…cz me i dnt evn undastnd my bf again sef and tlkin hsnt hlpd eida so pls BN readers hlp!!i jokingly tld my bf of 2yrs i ws pregnant nd he sed he will claim it nd financially b responsible!!m like wat ds dt evn mean!!so i ll be his baby mama?!till 2day it stl sticks in my head..i asked nd he sed he ws jokin so m tinkin m nt gud enuf to b his wife or he is nt jst ready fr marriage? cz i no wan do mumu nd b heart broken afta soo many yrs

  42. Jade82

    June 14, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    My dear most females have been through this same experience. One good thing to those that have experienced it, is that they learnt something from it.
    So many people here have given their advise and mine will be the same as a lot of them:
    1) I want you to ask him the question (are you seeing someone?) in person that is if he agrees to meet with you to see his reaction. (not fone or text, IN PERSON)
    2) If he says yes; no problem just brush it off even though it might hurt…..then you move on..
    3) Stop picking his calls; and even if you do answer you say you have been busy or ur at a date(whisper the date stuff self) so he knows u no get en time.
    4) whether u are at home on ur bed chilling don’t make time for him, till he says what he really wants….
    There are other men out there that will treat you right and be sincere, so don’t fool urself with this dude. Also if you can cut him off it will be better cos from my experience people you CRUSH ON are very useless, they love to PLAY with your EMOTIONS….and will never give you a direct answer…If you ask him and he says some bull shit about u and him working on the relationship in BABY STEP cut his A** OFF; cos you will be working on Baby steps alone……

  43. Christopher Okoro

    June 14, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    Please confirm if the guys marital status and also you got to make sure he really love you. Do not let your emotions overcrowd your sense of reason. please do look before you leap.

    for the lastest nes, gists and gossips, please visit
    http://www.naijabreakingnews.com

  44. pynk

    June 14, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    @ ur age u r still letting men play u? what a “pirrY”!

    • Gimmer

      June 14, 2012 at 7:12 pm

      bwhahhahahhah

  45. PD

    June 14, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    are u high?

  46. Partyrider

    June 14, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    Ha..very familiar story.
    Simple question : can we define what we have?
    From his answer you will know what next to say or ask..
    If you realise you are in the friend zone, As hard as it will be, you may want to keep it moving.

  47. Zee

    June 14, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    All you had/have to do is/was ask. it is that easy.. tres tres facile!
    http://uberchicmichi.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-yanga-magazine.html

  48. Janie

    June 14, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Like they said before ask him with style but dont tell him that you have had feelings for him for years oooo. Men are useless they say one thing and mean another thing besides all that ” i love you ” is just talk. I just told the guy that i have been in love with since our secondary school days that i was in love with him & do you know what he said BUT AM NOT. So its just a matter of how you go about it. All the best.

  49. MelonX

    June 14, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    All these years you’ve know each other you should have jokingly asked if he was married or seeing someone. There are ways we women fish for these answers…so this story seems to be fabricated. Simply ask him so how many baby mamas do you have in the states or na wa o! all those beautiful women will be missing you o! ask his friends or relatives. Or just do it, ASK!!!

  50. D'truth

    June 14, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Guys are really not that complicated – if this guy likes you he would ring it into your earthat he wants you badly. Whether you ask if he is single or not it doesnt matter but of course it is good to know and not assume anything. It is better to minimise any negative suprises. Be true to yourself does he currently treat you like he wants to walk down the aisle with you? There s o response like i am not sure, sometimes he does and sometimes he doesnt – a clear 80%-100% YES is what you are looking for. If you dont get that forget matter. If age is not on your side don’t let a guy drag you down as you will be left hurting an he would be around to lick your wounds. My advise to you is be true to yourself and be confident that you deserve a man that knows your worth and is genuinely interested in you not one that is game playing and a time waster!

  51. OmoDiva

    June 14, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    Wow! You just need to let it go and seriously move on! Its a simple question. Are you single? You are way too old for this game! I can’t believe you waited around for this guy while he has been living his life. From what u have shared honey he doesn’t sound like he is single & if he is single: he is a selfish!
    You are allowing yourself to be played by this guy with a delusional fantasy! You are setting your self up for an epic fail! Quit entertaining this man ! When Mr. Right Comes you will know it!

  52. Sonia O

    June 14, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    She should ask him what happened when he returned to Naija, why was he acting up? And why does he think that now, he can just waltz back in? And when she’s quizzed him, if she’s satisfied with his answers, she should go ahead and if she’s isn’t, he should probably walk.. He might be the real deal, he might also just be looking for who to use and take advantage of.

  53. scouser

    June 14, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    Ok. Now as a note to Bella Naija, Please leave these kind of stories for Linda Ikeji kind of blogs and publish for us articles that worth it. Is it not about time we get another wedding feature? Thank you all the same

  54. Nne

    June 14, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    BIKO WHATS ALL THIS NONSENSE? 16YEARS? BEHAVE NOW MY SISTER! WHAT A THIEF! HOWEVER, YOU LET HIM. LOVE YOURSELF INSTEAD HON

  55. Gidi

    June 14, 2012 at 10:07 pm

    No need for long sermons.
    Let me break it to you,gently. He is not that into you. I mean not like you think.
    He is doing the very same thing to two other girls at the same time. He is just tagging your ladies along. He is hoping that when he is ready to settle down (which is not any time soon), one of you will be available and he will make a default choice.
    One more thing, you are too old to be swayed by ‘I love you’. To him it does not mean what you think.
    End of discussion.

    • Purpleicious Babe

      June 14, 2012 at 10:45 pm

      OK… i agree with GIDI too. all the people I agree sums up my point.

      P.S. Dont take it personal if he says he is not into u, learn and move on. and do come back and tell us what he said and how it went.. xx

      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

  56. Omoze

    June 14, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    Hold your dignity as a lady: if a man loves you and he is ready to marry you there is no force on planet earth, no barrier, no limitation, no hindrance, no inadequacy that will stop him popping the question of will you marry me to you. If he is not ready to marry you (even though he pretends to love you and has been in a relationship with you for years) there no force on earth – not even the force of a woman i.e. you and all his sister and mothers combine can force him to marry you. So, if this guy has not given you the sign that he is serious or want to marry you then cast him aside and take your life and your future seriously my dear sister. If you marry someone that is forced to marry, there will be dire consequences o!

  57. ay

    June 14, 2012 at 11:47 pm

    Please just ask him what he feels about you..You need to define your relationship. It’s very important so you don’t waste time with the same person..If he was into you he would probably have mentioned it, so that he has not should be a warning sign to you.
    But still ask..It’s not a crime. Don’t be shy..Very important.. And if his answer is No, please don’t get moody over it and move on!

  58. Nikky

    June 15, 2012 at 12:42 am

    U should ask him. I made a mistake of not asking until it was too late. I fell in love with him, he had a girlfriend, and I became the other woman.

  59. Chy

    June 15, 2012 at 1:31 am

    BN u guys r doing things LIB does. hmm…..

    To the girl that wrote the letter- google the guy first to see if a wedding website comes up under his name to be sure. Then ask him, what’s up? What does he want with you menh? The guy is not serious with u don’t make it seem what it is not. And crushes as long as u have had. I have had long crushes like 4 years long. The guy was doing like ur guy. I liked the so much, but he was not acting right. I decided to have other boyfriends. I found myself comparing him to guys I dated, thats when I knew I had to get over my crush. I invited him out- in the end the guys attitude was jerkish. He was not answering my questions. He was playing around the questions which hurt my feelings more. I didnt get the answers to my questions, but I went home and worked exteremly hard with my mind and got over him little by little. I know what you are going thru, but you have got to find yourself thru it. Start preparing your mind to deal with the possiblity that he is not the one for you.

  60. iamfascinating

    June 15, 2012 at 1:58 am

    Speak out. Myles Munroe says Ladies always ask the wrong question, “do you love me?” rather than “where are you going?”. A man needs purpose and vision before a woman. Let the scales drop, pls. I wish you the best.

    Olay Regenerist, Likas soap and Diana Stalder Papaya soap now available at http://www.thestunninglady.blogspot.com

  61. sallysueee

    June 15, 2012 at 3:56 am

    ahba!!! chic please let that one go if he was in the university in 1997 and u where in secondary then that guy is also clocking 40 very soon so what is he doing my sister he is not single trust me he has on bobo somewhere or if not one girl he has a lot going and coming and hes playing with your heart strings SMH playing it cool will not help you,cast your net wide and look else where you said it yourself you are not spring chicken and time is going. from what you are saying the guy knows you how you feel youve made it tooo easy for him remember men loves the challenge and the chase .

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      June 15, 2012 at 1:33 pm

      Oii!!! I was in Uni in 1997 and still 7 years from 40 😀

      Some of us jumped str8 into matric gear way too young… but I agree, time’s definitely not helped this dream turn into anything tangible….

  62. christy

    June 15, 2012 at 7:12 am

    I don’t believe dis write up,it a figment of the writer imagination

    • Adannaya

      June 15, 2012 at 9:24 am

      @ Christy, It could be true. I’ve actually been through a similar situation with an ex. We broke up barely a few months after dating, but somehow he kept popping back into my life. He did this for almost 5 years. Just when i think i’m over him, he’d call and invite me and my friends out. He made such a huge effort to get to know all my friends and family. We’d start talking again, then a month or so later, he’d disappear for months. Then he left the U.S to England for school. He was so good! we wouldn’t talk for like 5 months, then out of the blue he’d come back to the states and call me before everyone else (probably cause i was always willing to pick him from the airport) I kept convincing myself that i had nothing to loose. I mean, it wasn’t like i was sleeping with him (which could be what he kept coming back for, i don’t know), but i was lying to myself. I really liked him and always thought we’d be together. Anyway, i got tired of wondering if he wanted to be with me or not. I needed answers, so one day i asked him, “dude, biko what are your intentions?” lol. I was shocked, dude was like “what do you mean? we’re just friends!” That was all i needed to hear. I moved on. I mean, it hurt and everything, but i felt so much relief. We have a lot of mutual friends and i still bump into him every now and then, but i’m good. There’s no animousity between us. Like he said, we’re just friends. That’s exactly how i treat him now.

      Bottom line-No one has the right to toy with your emotions like that. It’s very naive of you (myself included, at some point in this life) to hand over your life like that to any man. It’s in our nature as human beings to take advantage if we’re allowed to. YOU guard your heart, don’t think he’s gonna pity you for a second. He might not be married but he doesn’t love or respect you. If he did, you’d have peace of mind and there won’t be any need for this post. if you decide to stay, trust me he’ll drag you along a few more years till he finds what he’s actually looking for. Funny thing is you already know he’s not that into you.

    • Adannaya

      June 15, 2012 at 9:29 am

      sorry my post is so long 🙂

    • Anonymous

      June 15, 2012 at 2:52 pm

      #CO *FREAKING* SIGN, Couldn’t have said it any better.

  63. Gezani

    June 15, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Women are afraid to ask the important questions. I have been on and off with a guy and he will promise marriage but it never happend. I was moving and he decided to come and help. Paid the moving trucks. This days he fill my petrol tank and there is nothing between us. Until monday he told me he wanted to spend more time with me and I ask what is the meaning of that. As a friend or lover? told him I am over playing the games with him. Guess what? he never called or came again as planned because he knew he wont get any koekoeliser from me. I am so happy I asked that question and be played again.

  64. peaches

    June 15, 2012 at 8:28 am

    well i ll simply say if a guy truely likes u or loves u like he tells u everyday then u wont need to wonder where he stands if the ‘relationship never grew from dat stage then my dear it never will, not everyone u connect with is mr right. some pple re just meant to be friends. And believe me u dont even want a man dat cant make up his mind wat he wants and go for it, its a man dat shd go after and find a woman just like the Good Book says. i have been in dat position before we actually ended up datin but today we re practically strangers we lost our friendship to a rlship dat probably wasnt meant to be! my dear gal be wise just move on

  65. Amina Jiya

    June 15, 2012 at 9:55 am

    well well well!!! the thing is weather she likes it or not, there is already a connection between them both. what i’ll advice is, let her just tell him how she feels. it is not written anywere that a girl cannot express her feelings to a guy. let her tell him how she felt right from day 1. even if he doesnt budge atleast she has eased herself. one ore thing, goodluck on that, and dont 4get to let us know if things work out well *winks*

  66. MizV

    June 15, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Hey darling why did you have to put yourself through all that. there is no rule that says you cant ask questions. ask him what u guy are doin? tell him u have feelings for him and wouldnt want to be strung along. Communication is key darling. Ask!

  67. zaquisha

    June 15, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    loool tho. the comments have said it all.. ask what you gonna ask. your biological clock is ticking and this isnt the time for secondary school games…and moreover, a guy that really wants something with u wldve said it from the get-go without u having to assume/ask.

  68. yoyo

    June 15, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    woman! you have entered the ‘friend zone’. why do women not see when they have been friend-zoned? if a man wants you..he will do the chasing. simple. No man sees whats he wants and chills for another geezer to get there first. he is not feeling you sweetie…you gotta keep it stepping. and please dont ask him about his status..he should be the one asking you if he is interested in you..be in control woman….move on and save ur energy for someone much deserving.

  69. IGBOFILLE

    June 15, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    My dear I have an answer to this one. Stop thinking or guessing, if the guy likes you it will show and you wont even need to guess. I had a similar experience while I was in school. We were in the same campus fellowship. The first day I joined the fellowship I saw him, it seemed like the whole world stood on a standstill. I had him on my mind all the time,it was such a serious matter but we never had any close relationship. When I see him in school outside fellowship and I want to like say hi he may just look at me and give a nod. I should have forgotten him since then but no mater how hard I tried I kept having him in my head and dreaming that one day we will be good friends at least though I never had the courage to go after him since he was not even friendly. 9 years later after I knew him, I searched him and added him on facebook, he accepted and we started chatting. To my surprise I still had those feelings in my stomach when I open my facebook and see his message. He was actually in the UK for his masters degree.At this time I felt I was more matured and wondered if I should just tell him of my feelings which some friends adviced me to do but my pride as a lady wont just let me do so. I told myself its high time I let go of this guy forever cos he doesnt even chat me up or send me a mail except replies to the one I sent him. I stopped sending him messages on FB cos he was sounding so mechanical in his replies, it was obvious he was not interested and that was it. Till today I dont send him, and I am happy. You dont need to tell him your feelings because if he throws it in your face you wont feel any freer o, you will rather loose your self esteem.

  70. Busy Sade

    June 15, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    He is married, gay or seeing another woman. As for that childhood crush of yours, it is time to throw it away. Childhood hormones raging are usually just hormones, you should be over it by now. Look elsewhere dear.

  71. Anonymous

    June 15, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    I can relate to this in all forms and shape (Well at least most of it). If he really wanted to be with you he would have made a move a long time ago. And if you guys are comfortable with each other like that, asking him if he has a girlfriend should be the least of your worries.

  72. Tomifeoluwa

    June 15, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    she really needs to “fashi” the guy and move on, I’m sure there are other wonderful guyz out there who are willing to treat her like a queen or even marry her but she’s just blinded and too stuck on that yemi guy to see…

  73. Jamce

    June 16, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    My questions in all this talk of waiting or not waiting in vain are: 1) must every friendship be seen from the perspective of a romantic relationship and marriage? 2) if a guy is not making a move for a relationship, why can’t you just let him be? What stops an interested woman from asking a guy out if she feels “in love” or “in lust”? Is it only women who should keep guys in the “friend zone” and expect the guys not to feel bad? If a lady expects that sometimes they prefer more of friendship from a “nice guy” why can’t a guy not expect to just be friends with a lady and remain as good friends? I expect that everyone should manage their emotions and not presume a relationship or potential marriages in their heads. If the guy is not making a move and you are interested, don’t just ask the guy his intentions, ask him out or woo him directly.

  74. Frenchie

    June 18, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Hummm… Are you still a virgin? How come a brief ride without even interaction left you such an impressive mark?
    Have you ever been in a relationship? You sounds like you’re yearning for a guy who would listen and talk to you but you don’t want ato do anything “physical”. Get out of your little fantasy, find out what’s really bothering and work obn it very fast. I can’t believe you lack the courage to ask him about his real status all this time. There is something on your side you’re refusing to face. Face reality now or you’ll wake up at 40 alone and bitter.

  75. Lay

    June 19, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    I think you should keep it moving…I mean, you saw him just four times and he didn’t call as much. He probably isn’t just that into you. Let him go…if he wants you the way you want him he’ll go out of his way to find you. If not, ask him where you stand with him and where your friendship is going. Simple. Since 1997? Common!

  76. Stellamaris

    August 28, 2012 at 4:05 am

    Girl,presently u’re desperate nd so u’re actually nt tinkin strait,u av 2 com bk “home” so u can undastnd som tins. A man who luvs u wuld nt tek as long as ten yrs 2 “finally” mek up hs mind. If he has plans he wld av med dem knwn,so tink strait,get bk ur self worth nd esteem nd stop ds “crush bizness” cuz as it is nw,it dosnt seem dt its mekin any headway. Ur guy mite jst b closed bt u’ve ur eyes cuz of one guy. One tin u mst knw as a lady…NEVA ASSUME. Wishin u d best

  77. iju

    September 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Girl don’t let him wast your preciouse time. I feel you its very difficult to let go mostly if u are the one in love. Summon courage babe ask him questions his plans, if he has a girl and decided what u want. if you need to cry go ahead and cry Don’t enslave yourself even if u eventually get married to him Nne odi kwa risky cos u no go get mouth.I wish u the best let the wisdom of God work in u.

  78. Zimgirl

    December 21, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Lol, wish I had seen this article earlier. Experienced this scenario for more than a year. This guy would call three or more times per week (min call time 10mins/call). We are based in diff countries and seeing the expense he incurred, I thought he really digged me. He never proposed, went on and on about being a born again Christian…

    All of a sudden, he went quiet, phone unreachable and all that jazz. I moved overseas and 3 mnths later, I sent an email and it took him a week to respond. The way we now communicate is now at an all time low…

    Lessons learnt from this African guy
    1. If within 3 months, someone does not spelt out their intentions, then the onus is on you to clarify the status relationship. If it’s not clear, leave asap.
    2. clarify as early as possible his marital or relationship status (you do not want to fall in too deep before doing investigations)
    3. ladies learn to love yourself, I mean it, LOVE YOURSELF. Be ‘selfish’ with your emotions. We are precious beings and as such we should not allow ourselves to be used…
    4. Please realise one thing, in this day and age of technology, it is not enough to chat a lot on FB, gtalk & whatsapp and on the phone. Ladies you have to spend time face to face and assess these guys.
    In my case, this guy would come into the country and leave without me seeing him. My heart was wrenched when a friend called me (was out of town) and told me that she had just met the guy who was supposedly thousands of miles away.

    Ladies, life is too short to waste. If you do not look out for yourself, no one will do that on your behalf…

  79. chucky

    August 15, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    Abeg move on jare….. Plenty of fish in the sea.

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