My parents had a wonderful marriage and would probably still be together to this day, had my father not passed away. My parents were best friends first and lovers after; you only had to be around them, to see proof of true real love.
Love is a beautiful, ever changing feeling and to share that with someone for the rest of your life is a commendable thing to do but marriage is a massive step and shouldn’t be taken lightly. There are so many factors to be considered and because of that I just don’t know if I could do it.
I’m a pretty confident woman but the idea of marriage scares me. I get cold sweats in the night and literally shake at the term.
So why am I scared of marriage?
1. Commitment – It’s no secret that guys especially African guys have commitment problems. Don’t get me wrong, I know women cheat but I‘m talking from a female point of view. It’s the norm in our culture, for the husband to have a mistress/girlfriend. The media everyday tells us men are afraid of commitment, that they’re scared of marriage. In my relationships, I expect 100% commitment from my guy, now if I marry, it’s not just me who expects that commitment, it’s GOD too.
Both of us stood in front of that altar and pledged honesty and trust amongst other things, for that reason alone I know I can’t cheat. Now in a marriage, I wouldn’t be able to cope with his infidelity problems and would most likely pack my bags and leave. This would result in divorce, a concept unheard in my family; GOD forbid such a thing! I can’t imagine a guy wanting to sleep with the same girl everyday for the rest of his life and be faithful? I don’t think its possible, and if its not possible then marriage isn’t for me.
2. I am Not Crazy Wealthy – Now I’m Yoruba and the only female girl in my family, there is no escaping the fact that my wedding if there ever was one, would be over the top! All that money spent on lace, Ankara, jewelery, catering, the venue is more than enough to open two business depending on what you want. It’s been drilled in our heads as young girls that our weddings have to be fancy and spectacular as seen on blogs Any wedding less than that is seen as inadequate because as Nigerians, we always have to overdo and overcompensate. It’s impossible for an average person to spend thousands of Pounds/Naira/Dollars on one single day only and then be struggling for the rest of your life. I would rather spend that on lace weave or a car anything really but not to just spend it on a day.
3. Happily Married? – I am surrounded by negative images of marriages, comedians make fun of it, aunties will take you to the side and warn you and the divorce rates don’t help either. As I said before, my parents marriage was happy compared to the hundreds of unhappy marriages that I know of. My parents marriage was one in a million, I’m not that lucky nor do I feel that hopeful. So chances of me having a happy marriage is pretty slim at best.
4. I Want Freedom! – In fact I demand it. I’m at the age when I’m just about to start living my life and doing whatever the heck I want to do. In the eyes of my mother, I’m 24 and ripe for marriage. I’m supposed to get married, have kids and be a proud Mrs whoever without ever finding out who I am or what I wanna do. My needs and dreams will be different from when I’m in my 30’s and 40’s and so on but because of my ‘marriage’ I will be forced to forever compromise on that, no thank you. I’m selfish like that.
5. How Do I Know He’s The One? – He could be the one I need in my life now but not later, he could be my later but not now. Who knows? Someone better could come along that would be your Mr perfect when you’re already married, then you’ll struck in those unhappy marriages we hear about so many times. Everyone says pray about it, but wait, do you think all those unhappy wives/husbands didn’t pray either? I am not and will never doubt the power of GOD but I don’t want to be those people who prayed and are still unhappy.
6. What If? – When I think of marriage, I think ‘what if the guy gets seriously ill? Am I physically and mentally strong enough to deal with that? Or what if the person suddenly becomes abusive to me, would I now stay in that marriage because of the so called sanctity of marriage, just so I’m not labelled with divorcee? Because whatever doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger right? But when he eventually does kill me, people can say at my funeral ‘Well, at least she wasn’t divorced’. If people don’t know, marriage can and will kill.
7. Extra Set of Parents – Do I really want in-laws that will be constantly nagging and poking their nose where they don’t need to be. His mum haranguing me on how to run a house, how to cook my husband’s food and where are her grandchildren? I had a hard time getting on with my parents, adding another set of parents to the mix is something entirely different.
8. Perfection – I make mistakes, act foolish at times and generally just goof around. It’s normal, I’m human. I feel like if I was to marry, I would have to be perfect all times. Cook when I don’t feel like it, socialise when I’m not up to it, even make love when I don’t feel like doing it and the list goes on. Since I am Mrs whoever, all those things would be expected of me whether I liked it or not and as I’ve said I like my freedom.
9. Extra Mouth to Feed – I can never and will never rely on a man, I have seen way too many women do such and fail miserably. In my marriage, both of us have to be working, so I would get an extra person to look after but not an extra provider dependant on the person I wished to marry. Not a massive fear but a fear nonetheless.
So those are my 9 reasons of being scared of marriage. If I happen to find a guy who grants me freedom, will never get sick, will stay committed to me, has parents that live on the other side of the world and will act like a normal decent human being, I think I could probably get over my fear of marriage. Do you sometimes get a fear of marriage? If you are married, how did you overcome those fears? Do people just outgrow those fears? What do you think? Please share your thoughts.
Photo Credit: informationaboutdiabetes.com
ChaCha is a writer and a student in her last year at Bournemouth University. She also writes for www.Jaguda.com, an online Nigerian youth platform . You can follow her on Twitter: @Charleneodetola or send her a mail on [email protected]