07.00 – Arrive at the hotel and make a friendly but threatening call to the photographers, videographer, hairdresser and makeup artists. Let them know their lives will be over if they are even five minutes late to the hotel.
09.00 – Bridesmaids arrive bringing champagne. Make a mental note to ensure bride sticks to one glass.
09.30 – Chief bridesmaid is refusing to do anything, even take part in pictures. Strongly suspect that jealousy is rearing its ugly head.
09.45 – Bride has not only drunk two glasses of champagne, but is now on mimosas. Bride is in tears and claims that cheating doesn’t count if it happened on your Hen night, right?
09.47 – Rifle through my bridal emergency kit for expresso packets and attempt to pour down bride’s throat. Gather bridesmaids around, apart from chief bridesmaid who glares at you as if you just announced you are a serial killer, to rally behind bride and insist that ‘it’ doesn’t count and she is still a virgin.
10.00 – Chief bridesmaid reluctantly sits down for makeup claiming headaches and period pains and world disasters, but refuses to take any medicine for it.
10.15 – Bride finally sobers up and starts putting on her wedding dress.
10.25 – Bride’s mother enters and takes one look at her daughter, exclaims they should have charged higher for the brideprice.
11.15 – Bride’s mother has prayed for the last 30 minutes and is still hot at it. Try not to panic, but remember that service starts at 12 and you still haven’t finished taking photos.
11.20 – Photographer looks at you in panic, gestures wildly at her watch. Nod and use a distraction tactic: stage a call to the church, pretending that the pastor wants to see the bride before service. Say it’s for spiritual guidance. Bride’s mother wraps up her prayer, blames you for wasting time.
11.45 – Everyone is finally ready to leave the hotel when you hear a loud shriek: “It’s ruined!” Turn around to see the bride’s dress with a small but noticeable stain. Chief bridesmaid has accidentally on purpose spilled her drink on the bride and looks nothing short of happy. Be surprised she knows how to smile.
11.46 – Quickly whip out your hydrogen peroxide and wash-up mixture, created for instances such as these, and scrub like you have never scrubbed before. Stain vanishes and everyone sighs in relief. Chief bridesmaid’s grin vanishes just as easily as the stain.
11.58 – Finally arrive at the church and sigh when the bride hugs you. “We’ve finally made it.” You still have the reception to get through.