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BN Hot Topic: Would You Date/Marry Someone Who Has a Child?

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Some time in the early 90s, one of my cousins got pregnant while she was in Yaba Tech. From my young eyes, it must have been a very serious issue because my relatives started arriving from Ogbomosho. There were plenty hush-hush meetings but the curiosity of a child should not be underestimated. I remember that one of the issues an older aunt had was the fact that she had reduced her chances of finding a good man to marry her now that she had gotten pregnant. It really struck me as odd because as a young girl, I didn’t understand why having a baby would reduce one’s chances of having a happily-ever-after.

As I grew older, I gained greater insight in my Family Law class.  One of the things we studied was the rule of primogeniture in inheritance rights. Under this rule, (in the absence of a will) the children inherited by virtue of who came first. It was not a question of was born within the confines of matrimony but rather, the children – as they came. At that time, one of my best friends was dating a man who had 2 children and we teased her about how her children would take after the children of his baby mama under law. It was not a deterrent for her she took it as one of those things and was willing to love him for who he is.

This was a very bold and optimistic move on her part and it was one I admired greatly. However, it gives room to think about the issue of whether you can love the children as your own (if the relationship proceeds beyond just dating).  Also there’s also the issue of the dispersion of affection. Does one begin to feel suddenly less loved when one’s lover is showering affection on a child he had before he met you?

On the other side of the spectrum is how guys relate to women who have had children prior to their relationship. I know certain women who have boldly said they would never deny the existence of their children just to be in a relationship. Like my old aunty said, the existence of a child somehow does have an effect on the dating/dating dynamics?

Does having a child scare off guys? Someone said it gives off a signal of the woman’s loose past. For some ladies, they believe that as they grow older,  and the dating pool narrows down, they find themselves being approached by men who already have children.

What are your thoughts on this? Would you date and or marry someone who has a child? Is it a deal breaker for you? If it is, please share your concerns. If you’re dating someone who has a child, please share some of your experiences with us. Do you feel threatened by the presence of the child (and his/her mother – if applicable). How do you balance the situation?

Let’s discuss

Photo Credititavcec.org 

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

138 Comments

  1. elleven45

    November 28, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    If I meet one of those girls that comment on Bellanaija
    weddings, of cos I’ll date and marry her.

  2. Mumcie Gidi

    November 28, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    i see no reason why i wont be able to date someone who
    already has a child once the both of us can feel true love
    flowing,then why not.

    • Conny

      March 16, 2016 at 4:50 pm

      My dear, sometimes u will entre the relationship with a clear mind to find out later that, the man in a way still loves his ex n is not ready to let her go.

  3. Anonymous 1

    November 28, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    Hmm.. it’s a tough one for me still.

    One of my exes ex gf had twin girls for him. And she’s none Nigerian. I humbly bowed out as soon as I was aware. Mostly because I knew the ex would still have strong hopes of them getting back together. And I would too if I was in her shoes just cuz. But yea.. tough one still.

  4. Chic

    November 28, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    I would definitely date and marry someone with a child/children the only concern for me in the case of children is if there are from the same mother or multiple mothers now that there would be the real issue for me.

  5. madman

    November 28, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    Maybe if I was divorced and had children too!! I’d consider
    it but not when I’m young , single, with no kids, and very
    rich.

    • Thatgidigirl

      November 28, 2013 at 8:53 pm

      Rolling eyes @ madman, bill board advert or public service announcement?

    • bella dama

      November 29, 2013 at 2:32 pm

      looool… it should be public service announcement!

  6. Iyke

    November 28, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    My personal Opinion: It will take courage and maturity to
    honestly deal with this sort of scenario. Having said that, my
    focus really would be on the single biggest determinant of my
    happiness – which is not wealth, fame, beauty, or power …rather
    on how people closest to me — treat me. If she’s someone who was
    smart, kind, honest, had a sense of purpose, respectful of
    feelings, and TREAT ME RIGHT, then no big deal in marrying her.No
    man/ woman ever chose to be a single parent. Circumstances beyond
    our control twist the course of our lives. And for that, I must not
    judge. Damn!!!!Am running late …. I’ve got a date tonight with
    the only one that makes me weak in the knees. I just can’t seem to
    control myself whenever I see her. Excitement fills every ounce of
    my body. We flirt back and forth for who is truly in control of our
    relationship. And every time she’s on top, blood just rushes to my
    lower half. See you soon …My Squat Rack It’s Leg Day
    Baby!

    • Thatgidigirl

      November 28, 2013 at 8:55 pm

      Aaaaawww iyke, I want to feel that way again…I miss it 🙁

    • goldfinch

      November 28, 2013 at 10:04 pm

      This Iyke and his essay writing.

    • Idak

      November 28, 2013 at 10:27 pm

      The date na with my cyber sister?

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      November 28, 2013 at 11:02 pm

      I can confidently assure you that it’s not 🙂 However, I give Iyke my unfettered blessing – go forth and woo her, be sure to let her know how special she is…

    • i see

      November 29, 2013 at 12:46 am

      all of them didnt get iyke abi is it me that didnt get
      it…..u r going to the gym to work ur legs abi
      innit?……lol

    • Iyke

      November 29, 2013 at 9:29 am

      @ISEE…Thank you darling. That’s how they accuse me of cheating …lol. Yes, was at the gym.

    • ogeAdiro

      November 30, 2013 at 11:26 pm

      Correct bait and switch…lol
      Probably the best comment I’ve read in awhile.

    • Ekwitosi

      December 2, 2013 at 6:08 pm

      @Iyke I still love you! lol!!!

  7. FemaleNigerian

    November 28, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    would only date such a man if a) The babymama is dead and
    its just one child. The reason why am so particular abt d babymama
    being dead is bcos i believe as long as she is alive, dere is still
    a great chance that they could get bak togeda. I strongly believe d
    bond btwn parents is stronger and more lasting than ‘spousal bond’.
    Dat child connects dem FOREVA. Ofcourse d only exception to d rule
    is if d babymama is HAPPILY married. But a single babymama? HELL
    NO! And b4 u all tell me i wont av to deal wiv d babymama since
    shez nt d one i’m marrying, dat one na big lie! Sooner or later,
    dis SINGLE babymama will interfere in my home most likely thru her
    child and i cat have that.

    • Boondocks

      November 28, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      AMEN!!!!!….see bella u need really do need a “like” button or something

    • Blessmyheart

      November 29, 2013 at 1:08 pm

      You do have a point there

  8. Thelma

    November 28, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    Someone very close to me is married to a man with four kids. One of the kids even lives with her. I know she loves him and treats him just like hers but the truth is, no matter how much she loves him, she can never love him as much as she loves her own child. Raising a child is very difficult and when this child is not your own, regardless of your best intentions, you may one day find yourself asking if its even worth it. But you just keep trying.
    On the other aunt, my late uncle’s wife who had two little children for him began dating another man soon after her husband’s death the man proposed but said he was not willing to take care of another man’s children. This woman didn’t bat an eyelid, she immediately went and dumped them both in the village with my aged, blind and bedridden grand mum. We went to the village once two years back and seeing these children looking like street urchins, be brought them back to Lagos and are living with us now. Their mum has never even called, not once, to ask after her children. The second child was barely three when she abandoned her. SMH.
    thelmathinks.blogspot.com

    • Thelma

      November 28, 2013 at 7:48 pm

      *on the other hand

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      November 28, 2013 at 11:18 pm

      Nne, no vex, but na wa for your “anti” oh… And please don’t tell those kids the truth of their mum’s whereabouts until they’re a lot older and mature enough to deal with it. You guys did a really good thing there.

      Plus, I agree with your statement about how challenging it is to raise children, especially if they’re step kids who’re being deliberately difficult. You can slap your own child & it’s acceptable because you pushed the child out of your own birth canal but if you apply the same slap to a step child, you’re automatically branded as the witch who replaced their mum…

    • Que

      November 29, 2013 at 1:37 am

      All I will say to that perception of wicked witch—-its not always true… I have just a handful of friends who haven’t at some point or the other questioned if their mothers were their real mums, just based on their parenting techniques. From personal n familiar experiences I can confidently tell u such kids arent necessarily suspicious by default, unless they’ve been influenced by external voices…. men n women who truly opens themselves up to welcoming children not of their loins, have d capacity to love them just as much…. hell, even many biological mums often wish they aborted one or a few of their kids on certain days, so what are we talking about? If the ONLY reason hindering me from marrying someone be say e get pikin, den consider us married o. I’d prefer they arent more dan 2 n young so they r still influencable and d man (or d biological parent partner) is COMMITED to building us all into ONE family unit with one goal-to love n protect each other in every sense of these words till death do us part…. cos dat is wat will carry you on thru d days wen d questions come, along with births, deaths, successes n failures…..natural events will test ur bond, n usually life will eventually show u’re not different for being raised by non biological parents, but you were lucky to be so loved… Xoxo!

  9. frances

    November 28, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    Dis one hard. And e go hard me.
    Depends on the circumstances(many children frm many women or former dead wife? Out of wedlock kid or birthed frm love with a lady he wanted 2get married to who is still alive? And other things…) and who the guy is(character and all dat) but left for me o,I’ll prefer a guy without kids biko.

    imperfectlyperfect92.wordpress.com

  10. Sere

    November 28, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    You know those scenes in chic flicks? The ones where the cantankerous kids become all mushy and tell their dad’s (or mum’s) love interest “you know, i really hated you at first but now i think you’re actually cool”? I feel sweet inside when i watch those, the ‘bonding’ speaks out to me and makes me go “awwww, that could be me” until real life whacks me in the head with laddle. What’s not to love about that? But alas, I wil not lie, dating a man with kids is not for the faint-hearted. It was never an option for me, i just can’t deal.

  11. cindy

    November 28, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    i agree with @femaleNigerian, i have dated a guy with a child before, it is not a fair game as that child will always be more special than you any day, especially a girl child and that can lead to some form of resentment towards the child, that is how some women become wicked step mothers. personally i would never date again or consider marrying one. it is best for a person with a child or chrildren to date someone with a child/ children, in my opinion…

  12. X- Factor

    November 28, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    lol @ dating pool narrowing down
    Having a kid is not HIV and I ll say….’SURE why not’
    However, you may need to tread with caution on this, I have seen a situation where the baby’s daddy came back for his son after 14 years of neglect and trust me…it was a tough and dirty battle…
    Again, as a true ogbomosho girl, Atoke our elders will say ”A home will generally be peaceful until the time when the bastard child matures”
    My thoughts…. I guess it is advisable to take the safest option…

  13. BN What happened to my avatar?!

    November 28, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    Atoke you thought of me today! My boo has a beautiful baby girl. When he first told me I thought God forbid! Refused to pick his calls, didn’t talk to him for days. Then I really thought about it. When I realised I mostly cared what other people would think, I called the dude back and now we are so happy. The love and dedication he shows his kid makes me know my own children would have an amazing father. She’s a really sweet kid as well. The child’s mother knows her place and doesn’t give us wahala at all. I also know my place and would never do anything to undermine her position as the girl’s mother. Please do you and do what makes you happy. People make mistakes and we shouldn’t let it define them. I love my boyfriend, I love his daughter and they both love me. We work fine.

  14. NIRA

    November 28, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    I’ve a child, so of course I’ll marry someone with a child/children. Everybody can’t be me though, I understand that. We all have different views.

  15. MsJordan

    November 28, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    Yes I will – but only ONE CHILD, and if its a lil boy between ages 2 and 6.
    If it is a girl then NO!!!!!, they go up to go their mother and gang up on you. I dont want girl child from someone.

  16. MsJordan

    November 28, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    i meant they GROW up to go their mother and gang up on you. I dont want girl child from someone.

    • So Frustrated!!!

      November 29, 2013 at 12:04 pm

      Mehnnn!!! So true. I’ve seen it live.

  17. Daniella

    November 28, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    Well my current bf has a child who is about nine years old. It wasn’t really a big deal for me because his ex got married a long time ago and the child stays with her parents though my bf fulfills his obligations in terms of the boy’s upkeep. I wouldn’t mind him living with us when we eventually get married, and I have accepted the fact that the child is his first. It would have been an issue if it was a recent occurrence and if his ex was always in the horizon because I no like wahala and I wouldn’t want to be the reason for another person’s dashed hopes. But it was something that happened when both of them were still very young, barely out of their teens and weren’t even ready for marriage then. I don’t think we have to keep making people pay for their mistakes, after all we all make them. My two cents.

  18. Nominee

    November 28, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    Its not the children or child am worried about. Its their
    Mothers that concern me. If he was married to the woman, then no
    dice o! But if it just happened, then I might consider. But one
    does wonder the character of a man who would sow oats and watch
    them germinate without trying to tend the farm where the oats were
    sown!
    http://myvividthoughts.wordpress.com/2013/11/27/bedmates/

  19. J.

    November 28, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    Demand is relative to personal preference. I’ve reacted to a man without children the same way some ladies would to a man with children. A man with children has a high market value to most single parents who don’t want to go back to nappy changing!

  20. Boondocks

    November 28, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    nope….baby mama drama is not for me…..heck naw! unless the baby mama is late…
    but i wish him goodluck

  21. Endo

    November 28, 2013 at 9:38 pm

    Personally , l wouldn’t do it ; too much baggage n stress. But to each his own

    Pls share your endometriosis stories @ endochallenges.wordpress.com. Let’s beat endo together !

  22. tito 14

    November 28, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    no way,will rather remain single.cant stand polygamous
    things .it a terrible thing

  23. viva

    November 28, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    A genuinely good man is hard to find! When you connect to a guy Spiritually and all…..why not give him a chance! God forbid what if he impregnates another lady when you are already married to him?

    • cindy

      November 29, 2013 at 1:02 am

      then the child have to be raised by his mother, cant raise
      another woman’s child because all you are doing is raising the
      child for her, the child will definitely go back to his mother when
      is time.

  24. nene

    November 28, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    i don’t think i would. if i had a child too, maybe i could. no babymama drama for me, or ex wife problems.

  25. The real truth

    November 28, 2013 at 10:16 pm

    Honestly speaking, when love don catch you like “Iyke”
    stated in his comment; you willl forget that the guy has a child
    (children). A friend of mine just got married to a guy with 2 kids
    (boy and girl, oldest is 15yrs) and she has no kids. Initially I
    asked about her opinion on that and she said they were fine. 2
    months before her wedding, my friend sent me a message on Sunday
    morning and said “Plssss whatever happens, NEVER MARRY A MAN WITH
    KIDS” Pls pray for me, I can’t take this. Ah, I no wetin to talk
    oh. She knew what she was going into and she still went ahead cos
    she was in love so…I guess if you can deal with it then you can
    live with it. If not…don’t do it. As for me, I NO FIT. KPOM
    KWEM

    • Truthful

      November 29, 2013 at 12:16 am

      Yeah, I know someone who married a guy with a kid too and
      she’s told me in confidence “had I known…” Marriage is hard
      enough so such situations are best avoided.

  26. franny

    November 28, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    Was about saying(writing) a big “NO” when it dawned on me
    that my sis is actually a single mom of two beautiful twin girls
    and that made me have a rethink bout if I’d date a man who has a
    child. A guy was so close to marrying my sis but found out she
    already had kids and backed out immediately. My point is saying no,
    I wouldn’t date him if he had a child would be kinda unfair
    considering the fact that a single guy with no child’s presently
    dating my sis and intends marrying her(they’ve done
    “intro”)

  27. Ann

    November 28, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    well there are alot of things one has to look into before
    making such decision cos its really for the strong and mature
    minds. sometimes things change and even get complicated after the
    decision has being made, one needs to also constantly pray. it
    works out for some people while others get some challenges on the
    way. Just like my case my bf of about 4yrs got a girl pregnant(one
    night stand), he didnt know about d baby till he was about 2. he
    called me and told me what happened and begged i shuldnt leave him.
    i looked back at all we have being through together, i forgave him
    and decided to be there for him. we visited the baby mama and the
    baby occasionally. He proposed me, just about some months to our
    wedding i got pregnant and my husband demanded for an abortion
    which i objected to, he press on and persuaded me with so many
    reasons of me being rejected in nysc and not having a career. he
    made it look like its for my own good but only God knows his
    motives. To cut long story short i started having fertility issues
    because of that. i have had two miscarriages because of that and my
    husband is now all about the child. his mum just got to know about
    the boy and she 2 is now attached to him as her first grandson of
    the family. the babymama visited his family house when she went to
    drop the boy with his mother, of whom his sister now keeps in touch
    with. i have become insignificant in the family and this has become
    a distraction in my marriage. my husband’s heart and mind is where
    the boy is. i cant do anything about it but to keep praying and
    trusting in God.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      November 28, 2013 at 11:39 pm

      Ann, your story is quite an eye-opener. Don’t start
      worrying about visits by baby mamas that you can’t control, keep
      focusing on being a strong woman who is building her marriage and
      praying for her family to increase. Let God deal with your husband,
      while I hope you can forgive him for the earlier abortion. God
      gives children in even more challenging situations and you will
      have your own child, despite whatever complications, by His
      Grace.

    • bella dama

      November 29, 2013 at 5:50 pm

      A big AMEN for u Ann.

    • Ngobeke

      November 29, 2013 at 9:41 am

      Biko Ann, just hang in there…..thank God we serve a very merciful God who is well and able to forgive all our transgressions and have mercy upon us…..Please just keep praying and trusting God. He will make all things beautiful in your life. The peace of God be upon you….

    • X- Factor

      November 29, 2013 at 11:52 am

      whoa!
      God ll come through for you in Jesus name, Your Joy wil be made complete and you ll end up as the star of your home……

    • eli

      November 29, 2013 at 7:06 pm

      I’m sorry about your situation Anna. But the same God said love your neighbors as yourself and not love your neighbors more than yourself. I believe in prayer and trusting God, which is why you should take control of your life like God would want you to. You deserve happiness in your life. If you are not happy with your situation do something about it. Don’t sit and only pray…do something with the answers God is giving you. Take control and be happy.

  28. Fancy Babe

    November 28, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    Well, Tiwa Savage and Tee Billz just did their trad and the
    dude’s got a kid (or two I dunno) They seem happy. Tiwa may have
    some step kids now but it seems like the kid(s) live with their
    mum… maybe far far away 🙂 So that kind of arrangement could
    work. But I would rather a clean slate unless of course the news
    got broken to me when we were already deep in the relationship. I
    would feel a bit deceived (and led on but trust issues is another
    story) but then… might be able to work things out with the kid in
    the picture.

  29. blaze

    November 28, 2013 at 11:09 pm

    Well I follow 4 d type of pikin way en father no marry en real mom#

  30. tobee

    November 28, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    Its a NO fr me and ve got my reasons…..it could still be
    fair if the woman ve moved on by marrying some1 else,if not she
    mite not totally leave d man nd his new family alone.I recently
    rejected a marriage proposal frm a man who has twin sons,when I got
    to know d woman wasn’t ready to let go nd was ready to fite any1
    dat wud marry him,I moved away as fast as possible.though she was
    just a one nite stand as told by d man.peeps frget it o,it is never
    easy contending ur man wth som1 who alredy has a child fr him or
    else u re convinced God wants u to be 2geda

  31. tobee

    November 28, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    Its a NO fr me and ve got my reasons…..it could still be
    fair if the woman ve moved on by marrying some1 else,if not she
    mite not totally leave d man nd his new family alone.I recently
    rejected a marriage proposal frm a man who has twin sons,when I got
    to know d woman wasn’t ready to let go nd was ready to fite any1
    dat wud marry him,I moved away as fast as possible.though she was
    just a one nite stand as told by d man.peeps frget it o,it is never
    easy contending ur man wth som1 who alredy has a child fr him or
    else u re convinced God wants u to be 2geda

  32. theglad

    November 29, 2013 at 12:08 am

    this same mentality of i cant marry someone who has a child
    is the same reason the rate of ABORTION IS HIGH IN NAIJA.if people
    stop looking at ladies with children outside wedlock with a crossed
    eye am sure Naija will be a better a place.lets stop judging people
    who have kids outside wedlock.IF U CANT MARRY SOMEONE WHO GAT KIDS
    SOME OTHER PERSON WHO CAN WILL DEFINITELY MARRY THEM.

    1
    • nekky

      November 29, 2013 at 12:48 pm

      Nobody is “Judging” them please can you read carefully?

    • nik

      November 30, 2013 at 8:22 pm

      There is a high rate of abortion everywhere.

    • Prospective

      December 5, 2013 at 2:47 pm

      Gbam! Theglad, you’ve said it all. Humans are too mouthy, you are not in the person’s shoes yet you are taking the whole pain as if you wore the shoes (crying more than the bereaved). So long as you are happy who cares? Marriages have their hiccups and wahalas at different levels. Its just wisdom u use whenevr the trouble erupts. I’ve seen married couples where the father cant cater for his children and the woman is frustration cos she’s carrying d load. Do u call dat a marriage?

    • oye

      February 27, 2014 at 11:21 pm

      Totally agree with you on this. Nigerians need to change their mindset on this issue. i’m a single mum with a son who is just three. i visited Nigerian and each time i was having a conversation and i mention ” i have a son” i get a really bad reaction from people. it was so bad i was advised never to mention my son. This made me so tearful as i never imagined i would or could ever deny him. children are blessings from God without the circumstance they came to existence.

      i had the option to abort my child as early as 11 days of conception or raise him alone, but i chose to keep him. I don’t think someone who decides to commit murder is in anyway better than me. That’s my take on this.

    • Jasmine

      April 3, 2017 at 1:02 pm

      You are a darling.please never allow anyone make you deny your son.He is a blessing to you and you little sunshine.love him like no other and damn the haters.if you are not yet married and worried he might be a barrier, forget it, the one will be there soon,just keep fate..I love you for that singular act ” I had options of aborting him at 11days”. You are God’said favorite already by not taking a life. Remain blessed dear. Warm regards to your precious.

  33. cameroon daimond

    November 29, 2013 at 12:26 am

    hum.i a very distant relationship with a guy who has a two
    year old son.baby mama lives in same town as baby papa while i am
    miles away(lol,ah dey surely crase) and she drops baby every other
    weekend with his dad who swears to have nothing to do with her
    anymore.my bf n i love each other but i get insecured at times cos
    i hear they had a sweet love story for eight years (wondering how
    that can breakup).he has introduced me to each n every family
    member/friends/business associates of his as his fiance yet when
    his mum n granny talk about marriage he says he needs a lil more
    time to prepare for marriage.this guy showers me with love,cares n
    caters for me so very much.i am his best friend and manager of his
    affairs.infact he treats me like a wife.my dears ,all i can say is
    it takes more than psychological and emotional strenthg to deal
    with this type of situation, infact it takes SPIRITUAL HOPE that
    things will be fine.nevertheless if he decides to go away one day
    ,what will i do aside cry,get depressed, yet get on with my
    life.all i can do is pray.

  34. Clara

    November 29, 2013 at 1:58 am

    I used to say I would never, until I met my
    fiance.

  35. NNENNE

    November 29, 2013 at 3:21 am

    No thanks.

  36. jeanette

    November 29, 2013 at 4:17 am

    Experience is the best teacher. I am speaking from experience. I was in a relationship for 6years with my boyfren and we decided to get married on the 7th year. Before we started dating, he had broken up with his babymama for about 3years. Generally, I am easy going person and I love people. So his baby wasn’t an issue for me. I knew I was in love and I wanted the best for his child especially as I had loss my dad when I was very young and I understood how difficult it is to grow up without a date. We were in the university when we started dating and he was a class ahead of me. We had a wonderful relationship together and was going through a lot with the babymama who didn’t want him to see the baby nor give the baby stuffs he bought. Infact they were not on talking terms making the situation difficult for him since he couldnot see his baby. I could understand his pain and I tried my best for him to see his baby. I contacted the stepsister of the babymwith.

    • jeanette

      November 29, 2013 at 5:57 am

      Had issues with my battery and the stuff I was typing got
      posted without me completing it. To cut the long story short. My ex
      found a good job and we got married. I travelled abroad to further
      my studies while he stayed back home working hard. During that
      period, he met his babymama again and they reconciled their
      differences. She gave him the liberty to be with his daughter. I
      was excited for this moment especially after 8years of barely
      seeing his daughter and the mother alledgely was engaged to
      somebody else. Months later, I heard rumors about them hanging out
      together regularly but my suppose husband dismissd those claims. I
      trusted his words so much so that even when my sister told me he
      had asked his baby mama to married him, I denied such claims and
      said he couldnot get married twice without a divorce. I asked him
      and still insisted they were not dating and it was just “his
      babymama.” So i decided to go back home to see for myself. I was
      there for 3weeks and we had so much fun together without any
      interference. I had no doubts that the storie I heard were just
      rumors until 3months after my return that she put a picture of
      facebook. They were together as a family. Thus after so many
      arguments I discovered they were now leaving together and she was
      pregnant for him again. I had to give up the marriage and wish them
      all the best. I personally would not do that to any woman whether
      married or in a serious relatinship with my ex. I don’t think I can
      do that again cause you never know how the bond can reconcile them.
      Just saying based on my experience in brief.

    • Chic

      November 29, 2013 at 10:35 am

      Looking at all these comments I think while it takes two to make the relationship work in the case of dating or marrying a man/woman with a child/children it takes the character and strength of the partner with the child to be able to stand their ground , avoid all outside interference stand up to their baby mama/daddy and discipline their child/children for it to work. The partner with the child must set the rules with his/her child/children, babymama/daddy and their families on what he will and will not allow in his new relationship. It also helps if the child bearer is married because it seems the ones who cause drama are mostly the one night stand or flings who are still single that think because they have your child you have to automatically marry them. that being said I would still marry a man with a child.

    • Ready

      November 29, 2013 at 11:44 am

      Well damn. I won’t say much about him except that I pray that he will reap the fruits of his actions. And for you, I ask God for a much happier life beyond what you could have hoped for yourself, a heart free of bitterness, and one that will be open to God’s blessings for you.
      Oh…and you’re most likely better off than him. He sounds like a bitchass.

  37. SOLO ACT

    November 29, 2013 at 4:36 am

    i would never advice my son to date a woman that has already had children. and as a woman i cant date a man with kids! it would be my last option

  38. dreamz

    November 29, 2013 at 5:09 am

    I love this write up. I ve never commented on bella but this I will. I am getting married to a man with two daughter with two foreign women in two different countries. We are traditional married and our wedding is next month. So far I love his kids. Infact I use his first daughter as my screen saver. I tell my colleagues I have two daughters. Well I never get intimidated by the kids presence in his life infact I love them as my own so I told my Full length
    Half length to above the knee
    Shoulder
    Burst
    Waist below the burst
    Waist
    Above the hip
    Hip
    Below the hip
    Above the knee they can live with us but my conditions are clear if I dont bring the kids up and they get to 7years then I cant accomodate them but they can visit reason beign that if a child is seven then he is very is grown enough to be manipulate by his mom against me but if I love her from child hood notn her mum tels her will make her hate me because she d see me as a mom. Offcourse he agreed and we are happy. All baby mamas are single and sometime try getn emotional attatched but he grounds are clear I love my wife any one of u who offends her even through your child wil not hear from me again offcourse they wont want that. I get uncomfortable initially with those women as some time they try to remind him they love him but I also stoped that and he has also warned them never to pill up emotions for him as he is married.well the truth is this four will forever be a part if ur house but how do you and ur spouse team up against then when they strike. If he is willing to let them go just to be with u then it will never go wrong they cant break ur happiness.

  39. Jay

    November 29, 2013 at 6:11 am

    No, I can’t. Some baby mamas can be very violent. If you
    want to date that kain man, make sure he is firm not soft so the ex
    wife doesn’t keep harassing you. Oh well, I almost did till he
    started complaining about her troublesome nature and how she isn’ t
    taking care of the kids. I use my sense run bcos apart from her
    wahala, he is still paying child support. I met someone else with
    no child and now no more ex wife stories. He is a wonderful man
    though, I learnt a lot from him and his marriage
    experience….Marriage can either make or mar you if you choose the
    wrong partner. He chose a wrong woman whose aim was to come to
    Europe and she sucked him dry. Too bad. I hope I have been able to
    convince and confuse you why I can not date someone with
    kids…lol.

  40. Mp

    November 29, 2013 at 7:24 am

    Can’t even date a guy that has a child talk more of
    marrying him. Infact a guy who has a child is a big turn off for me
    mainly because I come from a family where my dad had two kids prior
    to getting married to my mum. One of them lived with us and it was
    war @ home almost everyday.cant forget all that happened in a
    haste.so for me it’s a big NO!

  41. ada

    November 29, 2013 at 7:33 am

    As a single mum of a 4 year old boy, i will advise people
    to stop judging as i used to condemn others until it happened to
    me. My son’s father duped me and took off 4 years ago leaving me
    four and a half months pregnant. But as the saying goes, God doesnt
    sleep! I chose to make my peace with God and have the baby and
    today i have no regrets. When you look at the millions of people
    who are praying to have children, i thank God for what i have.
    There is always someone out there for everybody If God can forgive,
    who are we to judge others? People will always have things to say
    be they true or false but the most important thing is to make
    yourself happy and be at peace with God. God gives second chances
    therefore, sinlge parents have a right to find love and give love.
    Dating or marrying people who dont have kids is not a guarantee
    that the relationship will go or end well!

    • nira

      November 29, 2013 at 8:46 am

      Thank you for that!!! These negative vibes I get here is the reason why a lot of girls abort pregnancies.

    • oye

      February 27, 2014 at 11:28 pm

      Thank you Ada for your comment….. well said i’m also a single mum with a three year old son and similar circumstance as you.

  42. Modella

    November 29, 2013 at 7:35 am

    For now I can’t settle for less,I’m young and sexy,well
    groomed why should I marry someone who already has a child? That is
    simply unforgivable…I still have so many option(I’m not call
    Agbani for nothing*cough)..if with time,my present relationship
    didn’t work out,and I’m nearly 40,just as the article pointed
    out,then I might narrow than my option,but for now,I still wear my
    shirt on my sleeve!

    • whocares

      November 29, 2013 at 11:00 am

      so to sum up your statement, marrying a man with kids is “settling for less because you are young and pretty? regardless of the fact that different circumstances may bring this about and he may be a thoroughly decent man? oh the fun you must be having inside your head whilst you come up with these thoughts. lol. “settling for less”..

  43. Miss Thang

    November 29, 2013 at 8:00 am

    I happen to be in a relationship with a man who has two
    (beautiful) kids with another woman. Honestly its a bit heavy on me
    because I am not sure whether or not I can really love those kids
    as much as I will one day love mine. He says its over between him
    and the babymama, because she cheated on him and they are in the
    process of finalizing their divorce. He left her everything ( car,
    business and savings). He has long moved out and has his own flat.
    we are together for about a year now, he talks about marrying me in
    2016… cause he needs to get himself in order first. what do yall
    think? I am young, just started my career and fear I might resent
    him if he does not pull through. by-the-by our intimacy is on fire
    (on of the reasons why i find it hard to move on).

    • Me Full Ground

      December 1, 2013 at 9:15 pm

      2016 is too long. My take is that he is using you to cool off until he has sorted himself and perhaps meets someone better. I’ll rather you stay away from him until 2016.

    • Zee

      October 23, 2016 at 9:10 pm

      It’s 2016 dear- are you two married now? I’m about making a similar decision and I would like to know. Thanks

  44. Zayt

    November 29, 2013 at 8:45 am

    I used to think I could deal with baby mama drama and all that if I love the guy but now I don’t think so. @ least not with the drama happening in #tinsel. I just can’t!

  45. 'Mide

    November 29, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Having a kid is no deal breaker. I can’t contemplate not dating someone I love end of story.

  46. Anonymous

    November 29, 2013 at 9:00 am

    I am a single mother of an amazing four year old and as I much I miss adult companionship from time to time, he means more than life itself to me. I am not involved with my son’s dad and will never be. Now if anyone thinks less of me because God has blessed me with such a gift, that is their beeswax. I admit it does get lonely sometimes but you know what, I still have more than most. If marriage to someone without kids guaranteed marital bliss I would understand but until then…. However, to each his own. To be fair to single people without kids though, some baby mamas/papas can be quite difficult in which case moving on would be very wise. Also, if you know you are not capable of loving your partner’s child as if he/she were yours, then I would advise that you do not marry the person. At the end of the day, it comes down to each individual case.

    • esther

      December 7, 2013 at 11:59 am

      am a single mother to a wonderful 3yrs old daughter ,i love my girl so much dt i dont give a dame of what anyone thinks about dating or marry me ,my prayer that God should always provide for so as to take gud care of her

    • femi from surulere

      March 18, 2015 at 12:00 pm

      most times, the difference between a single mother and one without a child is the huge decision to either terminate a pregnancy or keep it. one of my good friends took such decisions years ago and is married to a man, who loves her along with her daughter.
      I have no hesitation about marrying lady with a child as long as the perculiatity of her story is something i can deal with. For one, i will respect her courage to keep the baby and not end a life to be marketable. secondly, its a bonus having a kid already along with the marriage. just a question of looking at the individual and having proper perspective on things.

  47. electra

    November 29, 2013 at 9:18 am

    i’m a single mom of one and from my experience, i would say YES there are Nigerian men who are willing to date and even marry a single mom if you treat them right but there are a lot of issues involved. The man is constantly thinking of ur past trying to know what went wrong because people have this notion that once u are a single mom, that means u have a terrible past or u were loose bla bla bla but its never the case especially when the woman is really young. No woman wants to have a child out of wedlock but shit happens and most of the time, it happens in strong relationship where both parties never tot anything could go wrong so thats why they decided to keep the baby. Single mothers are not loose women or bad women, they a women of circumstance. If you meet a single mom or dad and u like them for who they are then stick with them and show them you truly care. Even if the other parent comes back, they won’t flinch cos you’ve shown them love n they won’t want to betray that. Nigerian pls stop with all this naija mentality, true love knows no bound. If you really love someone, u’ll love everything about them including their mistakes. There is absolutely nothing wrong with marrying or dating a single mom or dad

  48. Topsee

    November 29, 2013 at 9:19 am

    it doesn’t mater to me, in as much there is love and trust .

  49. DAMMY

    November 29, 2013 at 9:28 am

    hmmmm interesting topic….am a single mum so ama just keep reading comments

  50. buky

    November 29, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Hell NO!!!!! i ve a step brother and sis and i wuld never wish that on my kids. i know there is someone for evrione and a guy without kids isnt an assurance the marriage would go on smoothly but plsssssss let me try and do my best for myself and kids…. just saying. God help us all

  51. justina

    November 29, 2013 at 9:55 am

    oops wat a world,am a single mum to a five years old beautiful girl her dad left us to abroad and he never look back,am fine doing good,working and taking care of my angel every single mum do not pray for is just the circumstances pls single mum needs love too and working on that.

  52. Christabell

    November 29, 2013 at 10:20 am

    I have a sister having difficulties in making a decision.this young man has two kids,a boy and a girl..5 and 3 respectively.but the mother of the kids has a terminal disease and has lost will of living.now he approached my sister and has bin seeing her for sometime now,he later told her what he has bin facing and begging her not to leave him cos he has fallen in love with her.but she is confused and don’t wanna leave him cos she loves him too.but is faced with the decision if to accept or continue with him cos of the children.she doesn’t rilly know what to do and i don’t even know what to tell her…all because of the kids.Is it worth it?

    • Me Full Ground

      December 1, 2013 at 9:23 pm

      Should a serious man who truly cares for his wife be seeking replacement simply because the wife has a terminal disease? Does it not send a strong message to you and your sister about his character? Who told you and your sister that his wife has lost her will to live? Pls know that the chicken will always come home to roost. Be careful of the guy?

  53. mama babyjake

    November 29, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Marry a man who already has kid(s)? HELL NOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo!! That’s my response. Thank you.

  54. esther patrick

    November 29, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    This topic is very interesting, well my husband has a son who is abt 15years. he had a fling with his mother 16years ago, and it resulted to a child. there relationship is baby mama and father of son, nothing more. But the problem is not the baby mama but my husbands ex girl friend. who has vow not to let my husband enjoy his marriage. cos she still loves him. my fear is that my husband does not fall for her again, cos that will be double disaster .

  55. Miss_Flygerian

    November 29, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    I find it funny and coincidental that this topic is on BN because my best friend and I discussed this very same thing two nights ago. We were actually talking about Tiwa and Tee’s wedding and how Tee has a daughter. The discussion then veered into whether we would date somebody who has a child. The answer for me then and now is an emphatic NO. Reason? A very long one and I’m in no mood to type out long stories. So that’s it for now.

  56. Eskay

    November 29, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I married my wife as a single mum with an adorable daughter. we have been married for over 5 years now. we both have a son together with the her daughter. i have taken the daughter as mine and i love her to bits. As far as i am concerned, she is my daughter. most people dont even know that she is not my biological daughter. she uses my surname and stuff. I am closer to her than her mum. Her Dad has moved on, married with a son too.

    • Two Shillings

      December 3, 2013 at 7:08 am

      Perfect.

  57. Jay

    November 29, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    * convince and not confuse.lol
    Christabel, If ur sister loves the man she should go ahead with him. Sometimes people hide things from us because they are afraid we would leave them if they told us from the from the beginning…..Children are a blessing as far as there is no drama from the mother of the kids….It’s alright since they are also still young but she should do some investigation too if he is really saying the truth about the terminal disease.

  58. mia

    November 29, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    marriage has complication of its own even when the partners have no attachment, let alone when they have baggage.

    i could have sympathy for a single mum but i seem not to have any form of sympathy for a single dad, i keep wondering, if you loved her enough to put her in the family way, why did you not make things good with her?

    • Newbie

      November 29, 2013 at 7:33 pm

      What if she wasn’t interested? It’s not every girl that gets preggers that believes they must marry the guy that they had the baby with. Women can choose too, you know. Sometimes you’re with someone and it’s not great, but it’s not bad – it’s just so-so; you’re just playing and then wham! what do you know, you’re pregnant and you know – you just know that even if you want to keep this pregnancy, you don’t want this person in your life full time. They can do their fatherly duties and keep it moving. Sometimes you just realise that someone was a mistake in the first place, and you don’t want to make it worse by making mistake number two by marrying them.

    • Jasmine

      April 3, 2017 at 1:10 pm

      Gbam! You garrit! On point mehn. Women do have choices too and most these days choose not to marry the mofo. Shikina

    • Christy Love

      November 29, 2013 at 8:30 pm

      Agree with you.

  59. eniola

    November 29, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    No, I can’t.

  60. Christy Love

    November 29, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    No, I won’t. Esp a man with more than one child and the baby mama is not married yet. It is a time-bomb ready to explode!
    Love? Trust? It is time that would determine that when the storm starts brewing.

  61. daiva

    November 29, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    whoa a lot to take in but yea I wud if am happy wit dem.
    p.s it’s not all dat glitters z gold so a man without kids is not
    essentially d best, God knows best

  62. rootwoo.com

    November 30, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    hmmm
    interesting topic. for me it doesn’t matter to some extend

  63. tyrish

    November 30, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    I reallearnt fom dis article but i nid more enlightment. On my 6yrs relationship dat was broken by lady from no where dat my fiance got to impregnate without disclosing it from me not even after a yr i was informed by his elder sis i shuld find my own husbnd dat his broda as impregnated an ijebu lady and his life is atslt u call imagine was perplexed wen i heard was almst faiting not until i got to no on fbk dey alrdy dis introduction but d ish now is dat he is begging me dat i shuld fight for him he doesnt no wat is happening he doesnt love d lady dat is just a mistake and i really love him too but am so scared d gal doesnt wanna let go pla i nid ur advice cant control my emotions seriouls he proved he still love me and i still do

    • Sparkling2013

      November 30, 2013 at 4:52 pm

      Tyrish, I barely understood what you wrote, therefore I can’t even advice you. Please retype…

    • 'Mide

      November 30, 2013 at 6:40 pm

      The real “ish” is that this is different. It has nothing to do with a cheating fiance that impregnates another woman and tries to win back your affection, your purse or your pussy. The ish is about falling in love with a woman/man that has met callous heartbreakers on the way and who deserves to be seen/assessed for/on the content of the character, and not on the stereotypical assumption of a load/baggage carrier. Shey u get?

      Anyway , the advice is that you are a mugu. Pls run from the man!

  64. JO

    November 30, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    Post Ma comment na!!! My husband has a 20 yr old boy whom I consider absolutely naughty. The good thing is that my husband knows his character as a rotten one. His mom spoilt him rotten. He didn’t grow up with his dad cos his mom refused, so anytime he comes visiting it always chaos. For his off to stay with his mom PERMANENTLY.

  65. Anonymous

    December 1, 2013 at 9:00 am

    I am dating a guy with three different kids from three different women, so far the kids or their mothers haven’t been an issue, but I wonder if all that will change when/if we get married….

    • Blessmyheart

      December 1, 2013 at 8:22 pm

      3 kids from 3 different women. Hian!

    • Anon

      December 3, 2013 at 8:28 pm

      Please be careful as you might be number 4. A man of that kind of character is questionable.

  66. itsjustdwaylifeis

    December 1, 2013 at 10:05 am

    It all depends. No one sets out to be a single parent by choice – man or woman. If the single parent in question has severed all ties to his or her past, why not? The biggest challenge is how do you determine that? All marriages come with drama, I think as human beings, we tend to idealize marriage a lot yet we have so many live examples that show otherwise. Think, pry and observe deeply before going into such a relationship. If the single parent is totally honest and open with you- why not? If the person is not being totally honest and has not severed all ties with the ex except child support which you should be a part of – It’s a No No!. Been in such a relationship and I kept hearing that the divorce proceedings was in progress but after 2 yrs plus…I realised that it was best to move on and stop holding on.And lastly, being in love is not the same thing as living in love.

  67. missy

    December 1, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    what if after you marriage your hubby gets another woman pregnant?

  68. Sommie

    December 1, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    I can understand 1 child frm 1 woman and d fact dat dey didn’t get married cossa issues..blah blah blah…but how do u explain 3 children from 3 different woman…hian..NOooooo way!

  69. I'mjustsaying

    December 2, 2013 at 3:54 am

    Does it really matter? Regardless of how many kids he/she may have, does it make the person less lovable or the kids less fortunate? I’m particularly sick and tired of the closeted/close minded nature of Nigerians. What century do we live in and why is this even an issue to debate? It takes a mature, open-hearted person with U-N-C-O-N-D-I-T-I-O-N-A-L love for the one they love to look past this as a blessing and not an obstacle. Grow up people, and quit putting us back in the stone age. Half of the comments I have read here are appalling and I dare say, your day is coming when you will find yourselves in a similar situation. Knowing my typical Naija folks, you are probably chanting in unison, “God forbid!”……Lol!

  70. Sir Charles

    December 2, 2013 at 5:03 am

    Couple of things…while everyone is entitled to their own preference, I think people should think critically about the responses they are making. Don’t judge any person until you hear their story. What if this single parent happens to be a victim of rape? How does it become their fault that they were raped and ended up pregnant? What if the single parent is a widow or widower? How does it become their fault that their spouse has passed away? Even if an individual becomes a single parent because of some action that they took as a youngster, is it enough to hold a sinful action over their head for the rest of their life? I think it is rather unfortunate the people are so quick to arrive at conclusions before they assess the situations that may be facing them. I bet your view would change rather quickly if you were a lady who gets raped and become pregnant, or if you were a guy who gets a lady pregnant. Having a child outside of wedlock does not make you any less of a human being. I wonder how God looks at someone who has a child outside wedlock? For the record, Jesus Christ, our Savior, was not born to parents who were married. There is such a things as hope for people who have, for one reason or another, ended up as single parents. I think they can have a happy home and live a wonderful life in a great marriage. This kind of reasoning is why people kick their wives out of the house because they “can’t bear children.” People have quirks…be it a child outside wedlock, a womb that can carry children, or low sperm count, or a disease of any kind. If you can’t love them past their problems, you don’t love them at all! Our cultural way of thinking has made some of us so myopic in the way we view life. Open your eyes, and please, open your minds!

  71. Evans

    December 2, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Being a single mom doesn’t qualify one as being loose, afterall some girls have had unplanned pregnancies but decided to go the route of abortion. Having said that i personally cant marry a man with kid(s) not because i cant love them as mine but mainly because of the baby mama, i will always have it stuck somewhere in my head that he will reconcile with his baby mama and leave me hanging. Just c’mon long term relationships sef the chances of them coming back after break ups is very high talk more of when a child is involved. I had an experience with a guy who parted ways with his gf of 8years and while we were dating the thought of them coming back together kept hunting me even in dreams, it didn’t even give me the chance to give the relationship my best. Eventually we broke up for some other reasons, i got married to my wonderful hubby and he too ended up marrying the same girl.

  72. The Mane captain (healthy hair & skin tips)

    December 2, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    since im only in my mid 20s, its a no for me. My family won’t even allow it. because truth is, you’re not only marrying the man and his family, you’re also marrying the ex and her family. Its just too much to handle. And it could also be a red flag because a divorced man with kids isn’t promising. how do you know he won’t leave you the same way he left his first wife?
    themanecaptain.blogspot.ca

  73. jane

    December 2, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    I dont really think anyone is judging single mums or dads . Bear in mind that the problem is not usually with the individual who is single but the circumstances and the issues that come with it. One could be single (with a child) loving and affectionate but their ex (baby mama), children or family may be the problem. And though the two of you may want to work things out, some of these issues may eventually wear u out and take a different turn in future. I dont think nigerias are backward i think its a cultural thing and its even worse when families get involved. So please dont think anyone is judging (maybe some are). This could happen to anyone.
    That been said i think its easier to marry a single mum than a man with a kid. There is a lot less drama when dealing with a single mum because they move on completly and usually leave their past behind whereas their male counterparts dont.

  74. Donthavetimeforrubbish.

    December 3, 2013 at 5:42 am

    recently I had to learn not to pass judgement on some issues…it wasn’t until I got to this one of “babe with a child” that I had to actually ponder and think.After battling with this internally, I naturally decided to seek counsel from another babe..my mom..so I promptly asked her ..”Mummy, I have a question, what would you say if I told you I have a gf who has a child?”
    She then took a very deep breath in and out, folded her magazine and looked at me,I could interpret the look as – “iru wahala wo wa le le eyi?” translation – what kind of stress is this? Now, that is the normal reaction most people would express.
    However, to marry a chic with a child is basically like adding a different type of stress to your life. You ask me how?..The 3 of you have to decided where the child has to spend holidays, and God help you if the dad all of a sudden wants to get extremely involved in the child’s upbringing,just imagine..he wants to be there for Inter-house sports,Open day,graduation,confirmation,school concerts, school plays etc..it will be one of the most awkward arrangements in your life, and after a while you will begin to resent it.So its better not to try it at all.

  75. Dont Jugde

    December 3, 2013 at 11:37 am

    I was a single mum for 9 years, now married for 3yrs. The dynamics of the rlationship between all parties concerned is a work in progress. I wasnt going to marry anyone who wasnt ready to accept my daughter so i waited…..i married someone who was ready to work through it and we are happy. We have “rules” when it comes to her Dad….full disclosure on everything, giving enough notice for visits….we are working at it. My husband and daughter are so close, no one knows the difference when you meet them. We have a son now, and its made them even closer….

  76. vichi

    December 4, 2013 at 7:55 am

    I was 18 and in school when I started dating my baby father then who was 30 and already had a child. As supposedly young as I was supposed to be then, my answer to my friends queries was that everybody has a past. Today I am also a statistic with him but seriously, I don’t regret it one bit. What would my options have been when I found myself pregnant? Abort? Give my baby up for adoption? It wasn’t even something I thought about and today I thank God I made the right choice to have my girl in my early twenties.

    Its usually a daunting decision to take but its one that one must face nevertheless even in the face of an angry mother, a dissapointed father, snickering friends and the likes. Its even more so when you have been proposed to and you turn it down to be a single mother for certain reasons like battering et al.

    The truth is that who you are or who a man is , is what determines whether or not I’ll date him and not his past becasue everyone has a past. Some with 20 abortions under their belt, some with so many pills popped that the natural order of child bearing is distorted. If given a second chance, I won’t change a thing.

    I would rather date a good man with 2 kids than endure life with a single, nasty natured, foul mouthed, stingy, self centered man. My take..

  77. Girl

    December 4, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    The thing with all this is as human beings we truly don’t know what we can and cannot handle until we are in the situation. We spend so much time saying what we will not take but forget that sometimes you are dealing with emotions bigger than you. I don’t think anyone sets out to be a single mum or dad or a baby mama or baby daddy but truth is SHIT happens. I commend those who go ahead and have children because in all honesty they are the brave ones not the punks who go and have abortions but not saying I am not a punk myself because at this stage in my life if I get preggers abortion straight. I am just too selfish to be selfless for someone else right now. That being said, people need to realize getting pregnant can happen to anybody as long as you are having sex so make sure you know what you are doing because as much as you say you can’t and you won’t, that single mum/dad may very well be you someday and truth is it does not make you any less a human being than someone with no kids. There is no good advice to be given here except when you get into it if you see yourself as someone who can handle it go for it if not leave but DO NOT tell someone else to no do it because it didn’t work for you. No story in life is the same. we may have similarities in our stories but now two stories are the same.

  78. 263Belle

    December 4, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    This is an ongoing topic with my girls. One of them insists
    says clearly that she would not marry a guy with a child and the
    other one says it is not a deal breaker. That being said, the one
    who is open to it is the one I think would actually turn into the
    evil step-mother. I think having a blended family is really
    challenging and while we think of those who say “oh hell nooo” as
    being judgmental, I can appreciate that they are honest about it.
    If a someone cannot accept your kids before marriage they sure as
    hell will not do it after. There are a lot of people who don’t mind
    marrying people with kids. 4 of the 6 weddings I have been to this
    year were for women who had kids from a previous relationship. If
    you have a big enough heart to love someone’s child as your own
    then why not. Personally I would have never dated/married a guy
    with kids.. I grew up with 2 step-sisters and a step-brother. What
    I did not know is that my mother only found out 6 months after her
    wedding when she was pregnant that my father was married before and
    had 3 kids whose mother abandoned them. I was mortified; that would
    not be me. I could not imagine it. I was oblivious to all this
    growing up but she explained to me how hard it was for her, having
    to give us less because she didn’t want to seem like she was
    favoring her own kids and having to deal with abuse from her
    in-laws and the kids. One of my sisters hated my mother so much she
    threw me to the ground when I was 2 months old and that was when my
    mother told my father to make a choice. Even as she told me this 24
    years later, you could see how much it still hurt her. She did not
    want me to ever deal with that and told me to run whenever a guy
    mentioned kids. Before I got married my mother made sure I tracked
    down every girlfriend my husband ever had to make sure they had no
    kids. I married my high school sweetheart (dated since 17) but she
    was not about to take his word for it, lol.

  79. maureen

    December 4, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    Of cos I wil date someone wit a child if only am sure dat
    we both love and cherish each oda.wen ur inlove ur tend 2love and
    go crazy .u might even 4got dat ur love has a child

  80. esther

    December 7, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    my girl is a blessing to me so anyone who sees dating or marring me is a crime should hug transfarmer

  81. Jumoke Azeez

    January 8, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    Honestly speaking, the issue of child/children of a spouse is a very good one and all i can say is that its no bad idea marrying someone with child/children. i have a seven year old son and i’m proud of what i have and whoever that ll not be comfortable with my son in our matrimonial home should please walk away out of the relationship. same is applied to the male counterpart if your spouse cant allow your kids stay in the house with you, then why going ahead…

  82. Felinda1

    February 16, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Single parents should marry each other, leave unmarried singles alone

  83. justmykke

    March 18, 2015 at 10:55 am

    there is nothing wrong in dating or marrying a single parent.

  84. Winner

    March 18, 2015 at 12:07 pm

    Single mom here. Wow-ing at some comments and vehement NOs. Lol. Everyone with their opinion. Just do no harm and treat all as equals. Peace…

  85. Engr Florence

    March 18, 2015 at 12:49 pm

    Thanks B.N for this topic , some girls here are saying Nooooooooooooo. Guys dey. Husband scares , some no see man to say I want to marry u stop talking trash what matters is love , understanding and tolerance. No one is perfect or has a perfect history , just pray God to bring the rightful man he may have a kid or kids or without. Woman no get time ooooooooo women age faster so a stitch in time saves nine

  86. marian

    March 18, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    I’m a single mum of 10 yrs old son. 5 years ago I met a young guy of my age, he knew about my son before he even came to me. I saw the seriousness in him, he loved me and my son and he proposed marriage to me. Him being an only son of his mother I insisted she must know I have a son because I was close to the mother as well. When she got to know about it she refused to allow her son marry me, saying if it was a girl child she would tolerate not a boy child that would inherit her son property in the end. I quietly walked out of the relationship for my son’s sake.
    On the other hand I always wish I’m with my son’s father, but I got the realize he doesn’t love me, unknowingly to me he was married with kids before we met, I had my son as an undergraduate in the university, I got to know why he couldn’t marry me because he had a wife he separated from. After then, he traveled to canada and settled with another woman.
    Cause I made a mistake at my early age I’ve been cautious of not making another one ever since and I’m equally not happy that I’m going to be having kids with different fathers. What I mean to say is that not all single mothers are irresponsible, reckless or lose as people will have it say, they are victims of circumstance. Love and respect them cause they never wished to become single mothers

  87. Joy

    March 18, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    I just read your comment Marian and don’t even want to read the article or comments. I feel insulted by the topic sef. I understand what you went through! A guy once told me that we should get married and then after that he’ll tell his parents about my kid, I didn’t say anything but just deleted him completely from my life. It was a swift action! I didn’t even have to think about it. I vowed year ago when I realised Nigerian men’s reaction to me being a single mum, not to get married but well God’s plans are not my plans! In my late 30’s, married to a wonderful man (foreigner) who thinks the world of my son. They clicked from day one and reverted to calling each other daddy and son. I wish you the best Marian and I am so sure that you are a wonderful single mom!

    • Letlifetakeitsnaturalcourse

      June 22, 2015 at 1:31 pm

      I totally relate to you two…Marian and Joy. Was in a similar relationship with this guy and my daughter was just 2 then. We had it going good for about 2 years, and my daughter simply believed in her childish mind, that he was her dad, despite my trying not to make her believe so. In fact, she had a locket chain with his picture around her neck for many months…he gave it to her. But when his dad heard about my daughter, he said a big NO. same rubbish inheritance thing, forgetting that this inheritance, I was she, who helped his son build it in as little as one year.
      Really, my heartbreak wasn’t what got to me, because as a single Nigerian mum, I do not place my stakes so high on marrying a single guy. But the biggest pain was having to explain why i’m taking his pictures down and removing the chain on my daughter’s neck. She was completely shattered that ‘dad’ wont be coming back……But thank God now, I’m engaged to another, a foreigner, getting married soon…..my daughter is 9 and his son is 17….And funny thing, they look alike. same complexion, same big eyeballs and he is so protective of her!

  88. Nene

    October 16, 2015 at 1:51 am

    What if he doesnt tell you he has a child. Anyway my fiance has a 4yr old son, i ve never met him or his mum before. She’s still bitter about their separation and has told my fiance to leave them alone that she has moved on. My mums condition before we can get married is that he must settle with his baby mama and be sure that she’lld never interfere with our lives. But her mother is still angry with the entire situation and has refused to reach an agreement. We are tempted to move on with our lives and cater for the childs upkeep since he’s happy with his mother, but what if he grows up with anger and comes to hunt his father. I love my fiance so much and am ready to deal with dis baggage but it gets really scary at times.

  89. ken

    January 4, 2016 at 1:42 pm

    Although, nobody is perfect but we must sometimes think of d future consequences of our actions b4 engaging in any act of procreation. All these problems of single parenthood could hav been avoided if thought were laid down carefully. However, agreements can b reached by intending couple whether d step child should b raised within or outside d new home. And d single parents should learn not to b selfish but must consider d genuine feeling of d other partner, that I think things can go well all thing been equal.

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