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Glory Edozien: See Into Me

Glory Edozien

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I was wearing an electric blue blouse, jet black leggings and nude 3 inch heels. My hair was packed in a tight pony tail and my lips were the colour of Ruby Woo. It was our second date and we were meeting up for drinks on a Friday evening. Conservative, clean and not too presumptuous, was how my cousin described my choice of clothing. Every woman pays special attention to what she wears on a date but my choice was intentional.

I have psoriasis. A skin condition which has left large dark scaly patches on my legs and arms. So for every date, I have a specific choice to make. At what point do I reveal who I am?

Do I wait until I am in a relationship to reveal my flaws? Will he feel tricked? Led on? And then bolt? Or do I show him on the first day and let him make up his mind? The truth is tricky, especially when viewed against the superficial life we live. Showing him my scars, on the first day, may taint his perception of me. It might make it difficult to see the real ‘Glory’ who cries at the end of almost every movie and loves Alvin the Chipmunk. My decision is usually based on the guy. For some the choice is simple, I never bother to reveal myself, because I can tell nothing will come of our meeting. For others it is a little more difficult, our connection is instant and my revelation may ruin it. After all, why would he choose to date me when the world if filled with women with clear smooth legs that touch the sky. My friend, Tinuke agrees with me. She too, no matter the weather has confined herself to long sleeve shirts, her attempt to cover stretch marks which run the length of her arms.

Most of us have flaws, some more obvious than others. We have our fears, secrets, desires and true selves buried deep beneath veneers of perfection. But women aren’t alone in this. A male friend, told me recently that although he was ready to settle down, he wasn’t sure most women would be willing to accept him for who he really was. A struggling hustler in his 30s, who moved back in with his parents to raise money for his new business. So although he drives a nice car and is seen with the who is who in Lagos, his reality is quite different. The same goes for my brother from another mother Nduka, a 32 year old divorcee with 3 kids. Nduka got married in his twenties to the woman he believed was his soul mate. Life happened and today his soul mate and kids live miles away with another man. One day, as I made another failed attempt to hook him up, he said, “I am too broken for anyone to really love me”. “Who isn’t broken Nduka”? Was my response. “Even imperfect people deserve a shot at happiness”.

Cheesy I know. But isn’t that what love is about? The ups and downs, imperfections and stolen moments all swallowed up in a cocoon of understanding, patience and sweet candy floss kisses of intimacy? Except real love like that requires a stripping down of who we are, peeling away at the images of perfection we project to reveal the true essence of us. It requires us to be real about our failings, short comings, fears and even dreams. But how can you do that when in today’s world we are constantly assaulted by images of perfection. Perfectly tonged weaves, designer shoes and nice cars, perfect careers, fat bank accounts, well spoken, Ivy League educated individuals all living in plush apartments. Who wants to be seen as the failure with doubts about their chosen profession? Who wants to be known as the women suffering with depression, low self esteem or a crisis of confidence or the man who can’t get his life into gear and despite all appearances has nothing in his bank account?

So instead of revealing who we are, we masquerade ourselves as perfect individuals, flawless, front cover images gliding across our make believe red carpet, forgetting who we are and what we are called to be. The problem with masks is twofold, no one really falls in love with you, and worse still, after a while, the cords that have kept the mask in place slowly begins to tether and give way, revealing your true self. Who knows, perhaps it is this falling away of that is to blame for the high rate of failed relationships and unhappy lives.

Maybe instead of the masks, facades and make believe lives, we’d be happy (happier) if we just embraced our flaws and allowed real inti-ma-cy..allowed the world to see us for who we really are. Because if I’ve learnt anything from embracing my imperfections is that it makes you human. It gives you compassion, makes you less judgmental and self accepting and it is in this place of self acceptance that we attract the love we really deserve.

Glory is the host and executive producer of Inspire Series, the web talk show which uses the collective stories of everyday women to inspire others. She believes women are https://www.canadianmeds4u.com/category/buy-antibiotics-online/ more than hand bags, hair, make-up and other externalities and is passionate about about pursuing purpose and living above societal conformities. She is also a day dreamer, and romantic at heart who loves TV, food and family. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @inspiredbyglory and read more from her on www.inspiredbyglory.com

41 Comments

  1. Miss Pee

    July 16, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    So right on your point, I’ve always made people see me from day one is either you don’t like me or you do. Thank You Gloria

  2. www.ANEMISTYLE.com

    July 16, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    Lovely article…its the spots that make a Dalmatian what it is and stripes the Zebra. Totally agree with wearing and embracing your flaws.

  3. Kike

    July 16, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Beautiful, Glory! God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. We need to stop hiding our weakness, but boast in them like Paul, and ask God to be our strength and embrace our weakness.

    • kay

      July 16, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      worddddd!!!!!

  4. Thatgidigirl

    July 16, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    This had me almost in tears. I was born with a partial deformity that only my family know about. I have concealed it so well from friends and lovers that you have to be extremely observant to notice there’s something wrong with me. First i don’t want sympathy or to be treated differently, secondly i still have my insecurities. I made the mistake of telling an ex about it, and once we had an argument and he said “seems like this thing is affecting you more than i thought”. I mean i dated him for more than a year before telling him, and he never noticed but afterwards it became a reference point. I can’t say how much that statement got to me and i’ve never tried to tell anyone else…..except when i was encouraging a young lady with the same condition! My prayer always is for God to give me a man that would love me even more for those same things the world has labelled flaws. Every body sees me as some strong willed independent young lady, some may even envy me for that, but what they don’t know is that i have somehow managed to wrap my flaws, fears and insecurities, attractively in a wrapper called strength and forge ahead. Is the burden too heavy sometimes? yes! But till i meet that man that would celebrate these flaws that i cannot change, i simply share them with God…..that’s his instruction anyway.

    • Blue

      July 16, 2014 at 2:49 pm

      You are so on point.
      As for me, I hid mine for so long, but at some point, I no longer felt comfortable wrapping it up nicely, I told whoever had to deal with it, up front.
      I have had this partial hearing loss since birth, I don’t hear whispers, I have had to take a front seat in all my classes and I have lost in an interview just because had to continue asking the very impatient interviewer to repeat herself, which obviously pissed her off.
      I have even had a relationship where my EX deliberately turns down the volume of the TV set to a level he very well knows I wont be able to hear, just to make me feel bad. I’ve cried home so many times when I was younger because some kid said “Are you deaf” and my sisters had to go fight for me.
      It all came to a head when a woman boss I had, told me that my situation is just like anyone with an eye problem, they are not blind, but they wear glasses, so why couldn’t I wear hearing aids? She advised that since I’m such a diva, I could always wear my hair down whenever I’m wearing my aid, so that nobody sees it. I took her advise and now I’m good. I have even trained my ego, so that when I am not wearing my aids, I simply ask people to speak up a bit as I cannot hear at a certain level.
      We didn’t create ourselves, at the same time, we mustn’t expect that everyone should be nice enough to deal with our problems. The best thing is to find a good balance and just manage any situation we find ourselves.

    • Tosin

      July 16, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      …sisters fighting for you – that’s so cool. you should tell your sisters how cool they are/were.

    • Like

      July 16, 2014 at 8:14 pm

      Your comment.. God bless you..

      I have a colleague who has hearing and speech condition. the first day i was introduced to him, i was told always look at him when you talk- at times i have been tempted to write on a paper instead but now i have learnt to patiently repeat myself around him.

    • chu girl

      September 23, 2014 at 9:50 am

      …….warm hugs from me to you Blue…….xoxo

  5. Slim

    July 16, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    Sometimes these things are a bit complicated. I’d reckon you write from the angle of the “seemingly imperfect” person who wants to be honest about their imperfections but not sure what the other party’s perception of them might be.. How about the people that intentionally rather not own up to their imperfections, but lead someone on to love/accept the the mask they put on and not the real them?
    I had a conversation with a friend some days ago and I quote him “why will i tell her something that i know will potentially put her off from me?” I replied “what if she gets to find out after all?” then he goes “she’l be so into me, it will be really difficult for her to leave” …..bare deceit!….and i thought to myself what is the sense in withholding truths about yourself that will determine someones decision to be with you or not to be with you? There is nothing hidden under the sun. Those fears, imperfections and all what not you hide will become known at some point, its a matter of time. Its always better to clear the air ab initio, than keep delaying the inevitable. …..anyways let me not derail further.
    Back to the article, like i always tell my friends, whoever wants to be with you or love you will do so regardless!
    Nice article Glory!

  6. Lizzie

    July 16, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    Hello gidigirl.. That’s the spirit. God Bless you.
    Beautiful article Gloria.. I love it

  7. efe

    July 16, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    Really nice write up,as said by Thatgidigirl. i simply share them with God.

  8. Joan85

    July 16, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Really great article, Glory. The fear that a person may not accept you for who you really are is so real today. I mean, even stuff like telling a significant other that parental love wasn’t something normal for you and that you witnessed physical abuse and such. At what point do you divulge such info? People tend to be judgmental so I do not blame anyone that holds back. But at the same time, you don’t want to seem deceptive. So where do you draw the line?

  9. jcsgrl

    July 16, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    I fell in love with you Glory after the series Wana did of you. You are truly beautiful inside out and I misjudged you honestly. You are an inspiration to me. Some of us might not have physical imperfections but our hearts and minds have been broken and damaged. We all need healing and wholeness from our maker. While we allow God to keep working with us, we can still celebrate the true essence of who we are baggage and all. Our imperfections help shape us into better people hopefully. So if we are fine with US then anybody else who isn’t can like go and…

    • Fite

      July 20, 2014 at 6:42 am

      ?…..hug transformer!!! Ok bye

  10. Grown Woman

    July 16, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    Lovely article, it is really hard to trust people these days, i think its best not to reveal too much especially if it does not affect anyone then its best you keep it to yourself.

    • chu girl

      September 23, 2014 at 9:52 am

      …true that!!

  11. kay

    July 16, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    thank you once again for a trully inspiring article. You go girl!!!!!

  12. Just me

    July 16, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    Glory! Really nice write up! I wish I could hide my own imperfection, I have knock knee and it has affected my self esteem, the way I walk and everything, not a day goes by that I don’t wonder if someone has noticed my knees, I don’t wear short or mini skirt however my jeans don’t hide them very well. So I don’t go on dates because of fear of rejection. Thank you Thatgidigirl because I will simply share all my fears with God.

    • Tosin

      July 16, 2014 at 4:43 pm

      can i just, for some perspective, pretty much everybody has knock-knees (K-legs). Or they have bow legs. Or, like I discovered one day in uni, when this dude called my name and came all the way as though to tell me something really exciting before he went – did you know, you have bow legs AND knock-knees? So yeah, some people even have both. I never even knew before that day. But so what big deal? My legs are amazing. When I was a kid, my legs weren’t just a little curved, they were like an O. People who have skinny legs want them fat, people who have fat legs want them skinny. Silly people make up fake figures, fake standards, just to give bored girls something to panic about and so women going all on about their imperfections when they’re perfect. You probably have the best legs ever, I don’t know, I haven’t seen them, but I bet somebody thinks they’re weird, somebody else thinks they’re great…
      Ciao.

    • Verynaturalnigerian

      September 19, 2014 at 5:52 pm

      Just to say, I totally get your point, but not everyone has knock knees. Also, not every case of knock knees is the same. For some it is hardly noticeable, for others it distorts the way they walk.
      Lastly, until you have truly experienced a situation and all its ramifications, you can never really understand it.

  13. @edDREAMZ

    July 16, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said…
    .
    Making sense no doubt and thank yu for the article, i really love it….
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

  14. Joan

    July 16, 2014 at 5:14 pm

    Lovely article. Everyone agrees but the next post here will feature an event and some people will post mean comments about others’ appearance. If only the compassion we feel after reading things like this could last.

  15. Carliforniabawlar

    July 16, 2014 at 6:06 pm

    Hmmm…..my mum kept telling me to cover my scars(face neck, chest)… one day I calmly explained to her that as much as I appreciate her concern for the aesthetics , i’m actually grateful the problem is not on my thighs or back or any hidden body part….there’s never any need to have an awkward conversation with a guy explaining the varying colors on my skin” It’s just simply out there…no turtle neck blouses, no scarves (except for protection against elements), no piles upon piles of make-up….just me as I am.
    Some 4 years ago I also decided against mentioning/explaining my skin issues to anyone when after I had talked about it with an ex during our second date. He called when he got home and asked why I told him, that he was wondering if I wanted sympathy or I had self esteem issues even though I had previously come across as a chick who was confident in not just her looks but in every other area. He went ahead to say that at least he had seen me twice before and obviously didn’t care…I was like shuuu, abeg nor vex!! lol.

  16. osinakachi

    July 16, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    @justme, I also have k legs like some people will call it and for years i lived with very low self esteem. it was so bad that often times i would pray to GOD to straighten my legs but of course he never did lol. Thank God i now know that no one is perfect and no matter how perfect some people try to make themselves appear,there will always be hidden imperfections. So cheer up and enjoy your life.

  17. Dr. N

    July 16, 2014 at 8:09 pm

    U won’t believe what ppl hide beneath clothes. While u worry abt yours, they are worrying abt theirs. Just let go and make d best of life

  18. Vortex

    July 16, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    Right on the money. Both men and women go through this. However, as women are held to higher standards, it’s commonplace to see a greater number struggle with flaws and insecurities. The fact that pop culture keeps reinforcing certain notions of “perfection” isn’t helping either and with this generation so obsessed with same, people go to weird lengths to conceal parts deemed undesireable.

    One thing I’ve found is that when it comes to imperfections what matters most is how you see yourself. Yes we get scared, sometimes with good reason, of how people will perceive us when they find out the big secret(s) but there are also times when some of us meet people willing to love us as we are, flaws and all, but we still pass up on that bcus we think “how can they, why should they?” That’s partly how unnecessary walls are built. That’s partly how mine came to be…

    Comes down to a confidence / self esteem thing and you’ll be surprised how the seemingly perfect people struggle with this! There was a post by Glory (the inspire series) on an OAP (?) with a physical challenge. Of course I can imagine she’ll have her dark days but her attitude towards her issue was nothing short of amazing abeg. A BN commenter talked about bottling confidence for sale. If only! I’m not team blame parents for everything but parents have a huge role to play in confidence building and quite a number fail on that level. I blame myself for most of my weaknesses but I know that if my parents (who are very good by the way) had made me feel better about certain things and not “talked” about them in moments of anger, I would probably not be as ashamed of them. And to think that the things most of us hide are barely noticeable and really insignificant.

    From my experience, I’ll say no matter how many times people do double or triple takes and compliment you on your beauty, if you’re insecure and imagine people seeing you the way you see yourself, no external assurance can fix that. We hold ourselves back. The struggle… #Epistle

  19. Dee

    July 16, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    Very inspiring article. Welldone Glory

  20. missymiss

    July 16, 2014 at 10:22 pm

    Gloria gloria you done it again. I have early meaopause/ ovarian failure. I believe in disclosure in life, so a spouse isnt busy asking after 2 years why I have been on fertility and no sign of children. I generally disclose if I am in a relationship that I see going anywhere. After enough rejections, I went on a date with a guy whom we were discussing marriage and I said I didnt want to marry because I didnt want the pressure of fertility drugs and child bearing . I didnt feel bad saying it. He proposed to me exactly 9 months later and we went to the registry the next month. We are mid wedding planning now. According to him he knew I was the one after our first date lasted 6 hours. The restaurant kicked us out.
    I always ask God to send me people that are accepting.

    • deedar

      July 18, 2014 at 11:18 am

      That’s lovely. Thanks for sharing this.

  21. R

    July 17, 2014 at 4:25 am

    Well said.
    Intimacy = Into Me See

  22. ..just saying

    July 17, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    So all those lovely flawless photos were photoshopped? Wow!

  23. justmi

    July 18, 2014 at 9:46 am

    I used to believe I was very ugly and looked “bush”because I had a little domestic accident when i was about 5 and had a scar on my face that came out looking like a tribal mark…my siblings and friends didnt make it any easier…scarface,apa girl…all sorts of names,and even though I am very intelligent I couldnt speak out in public for a long time..I had a huge battle with my self esteem…fast forward to Uni,i kept making hairstyles that will allow strands to fall just on top of the scar,until one day one of my sisters friends called me and said “for how long will you hide?common,you are beautiful!….twas only then I realised I was actually hiding and decided to break free…I discovered I couldnt change it and decided to embrace me,scar and all.

  24. deedar

    July 18, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Great article, Glory. I have dark patches from atopic dermatitis, and “potholes” on my face from really bad acne. It made me so self-conscious as a teen (especially as I am naturally a shy person) but my mum wasn’t having it… she would always tell me to forget about my blemishes (“it’s just your skin”, she would say, “it doesn’t affect who you are on the inside”). She kept encouraging me to be confident and SMILE! She was always like, “Dee, a genuine smile is the universal language”. And she was so right.
    Confidence is key to success in any and all aspects of life and relationships, and true confidence comes from what you mentioned: self-acceptance. Accepting yourself, flaws and all, loving yourself and realizing that you are loved by God and by others. You’re an inspiration, Glory. I love your honesty and your willingness to share in order to inspire others. Keep doing what you are doing, keep being you and you will definitely soon meet that guy who accepts you completely for who you are.

  25. me too...

    July 22, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    It feels a little better to know that someone is has this psoriasis of a thing. although mine is a bit hidden (around my armpit), I hate to wear anything sleeveless cos it sometimes looks very dry and scaly and I don’t want the embarrassment of anyone asking or looking like hmm.. she has a disease. I even hide it as much as possible from my husband…

  26. me too...

    July 22, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    *someone else

  27. Tosin

    July 29, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    I came back to read more comments. #gold

  28. chi-e-z

    August 14, 2014 at 3:52 am

    Hey glory just came across a vid u might be interested in…www.youtube.com/watch?v=doKvl4mjIXE…she said she used selsum blue prescription for her scalp.

  29. me

    August 14, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    this brought tears to my eyes,about 3 of my rships have ended because I reaveled my past to my boyfriends,they ended up walking out on me,even my friends abandoned me.Today am starting my life from the scratch,my past hurts me 2 cos its a very terrible one,dnt knw if any man will marry me,ive even zero my mind from marriage.naw am close to God and he gave me a fantastic job dat even me am shocked at.dnt knw wat d future holds,wish I can tell someone abt evrytin iv bin tru.am pretty but my past aint pretty at all

    • B!

      August 19, 2014 at 4:36 pm

      Pele. God loves you and He will give you someone who feels the same way as He does about you! Doesn’t matter what you did!

  30. lekan

    September 21, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    All those comments remind me of my fully deaf and dumb taekwondo clubmate. He’s got a brother on the team whom he had taught sign language,so the guy explains everything to him. Just one thing is that,when last we did our team rankings he was ranking 3rd on the list. Afterall nobody doubts he’s one of the the best guys on the team.
    when I first joined the taekwondo club,I kind of felt pity for the guy,but after he whipped my ass a few times,I understood that he just couldn’t talk or hear he was a full part of the team playing his role in full capability. The bottom line is that no matter what scar or disability you’ve got in you,it sure might affect you doing some things but when it dosen’t,please don’t pity yourself and do your best.

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