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Fountain of Life with Taiwo Odukoya: Infidelity & the Sanctity of Marriage

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Often we hear that someone we know has been involved in infidelity. The question usually is: Why did he /she do it? Are we all exposed to the same temptations that make some fall into the trap of infidelity? Can we better handle such situations, when they come, and thus avoid making a mess of our marriage?

Also known as extramarital affair, infidelity is described as ‘voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife, or between a married woman and someone other than her husband.’ In other words, it is having sex with someone who is not your spouse.

Two issues can be clearly identified in infidelity: the act and the thought. Generally, a married person is unfaithful to his or her spouse if he or she physically engages in sexual acts with someone who is not his or her spouse. Adultery does not just happen; it starts in the mind.

Research findings
Statistics published in the January 2014 edition of Journal of Marital and Family Therapy showed that one or both spouses in 41% of marriages admitted to physical or emotional infidelity. Thirty-six percent of such infidelity was discovered to have occurred with co-workers, while 35% happened during business trips.

In fact, many researchers have come to the conclusion that:

  • over a third of mar­ried men will cheat on their wives;
  • nearly a quar­ter of all mar­ried women will cheat on their husbands; and
  • more than 50% of all mar­riages will be impacted by one of the spouses being unfaith­ful.

Why do people do it?
The truth is, a person has an affair when there is something that triggers him or her to defy the very vows he or she made, on his or her wedding day, to be faithful to his or her partner. Such would include:

  • Unnecessary familiarity with the opposite sex.
  • Sexual deprivation at home.
  • Revenge or unrestrained anger.
  • Uncontrolled sexual habits before marriage.
  • Financial problems.

In addition, the following may serve as catalysts to infidelity:

  • Waning physical attraction between a married couple.
  • Chronic illness or disability which may render a spouse incapable of performing his or her conjugal responsibility.
  • Tension and conflict in marriage due to any of a number of factors such as long periods of separation, in-law problems and career problems.
  • Critical life events such as death, rejection, being uprooted, personal failure or life transitions.
  • One partner feeling that his or her needs are not being met.
  • Emotional emptiness.
  • Need for sexual variety or inability to resist a new sexual opportunity.
  • Alcohol or drug addiction.
  • Growing apart.
  • Lack of conflict resolution skills.

Surprisingly, success is also a risk factor in infidelity because it often makes one more attractive to others.

Grievous consequences
Anyhow one looks at it, infidelity has painful consequences, affecting the person involved in it physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is said to be the number one reason for divorce. The emotional scars of guilt, fear and anxiety can devastate everyone affected by it.

  1. It is therefore no wonder that among the most commonly reported consequences of infidelity are:
  2. Strained relationship with God and spouse
  3. Injury to self-image
  4. Injury to self-confidence
  5. Injury to sexual confidence
  6. Loss of trust and belonging
  7. Loss of respect
  8. Feelings of helplessness and abandonment
  9. Feelings of depression
  10. Feelings of anxiety
  11. Feelings of humiliation
  12. Feelings of rage
  13. Feelings of shame, guilt and blameworthiness
  14. Feelings of undesirability and insecurity
  15. Feelings of hostility and vengeance

Sometimes the many effects of adultery continue throughout a lifetime. There is also grow­ing psy­cho­log­i­cal evi­dence that adul­ter­ous behav­iour in par­ents dra­mat­i­cally affects chil­dren when they reach adult­hood.

The way out
Now, if you are trapped in an affair or weighed down by the guilt of past affairs, you can come out of it.

  1. Ask God for forgiveness because adultery is first a sin against God. So repent and make a U-turn. That means you have to be genuinely sorry for your infidelity.
  2. Seek proper counselling.
  3. Fix what you can and seek to rebuild broken trust.
  4. Make deliberate efforts to avoid situations that will compromise your resolve not to do it again.
  5. Trust God to help you become a better person.

On the other hand, if it is your spouse who is in an amorous relationship, you need to uphold him or her in prayers, and seek necessary help for him or her as well as yourself.

Be on your guard
Now, we are all exposed on a daily basis to situations that seek to trap us and destroy our destiny. But if by the grace of God you are determined to keep your marital vows and remain unsoiled, then you need to:

  1. Set boundaries in your relationship, particularly with the opposite sex. The truth is, those eye contacts, soft touches, smiles, holding of hands, gossips, dirty talks or jokes, little supposed favours, among other things, will lead to serious consequences if you tolerate or give the impression that you enjoy them. If a man or woman looks straight into your eyes, without any just reason, and you do not immediately look away, it is assumed that you are interested. It is worse if you follow it up or respond with a smile. And there are many out there who know how to subdue with their eyes. Do not be a victim.
  2. Be open to your spouse. Let him or her in whenever you feel a window that could compromise your relationship is opening. Remember, sin thrives in secrecy.
  3. Listen to your spouse, and do not make it impossible for him or her to trust you with certain information.
  4. Guard your heart. You need to cut short or circumvent every thought that is likely to lead you to adultery.
  5. Cultivate the right mindset to your marital vows.Too often, people do not fully understand that marriage, as God ordained it, is truly “till death do us part.” That mindset will help you stay away from everything that will seek to make it otherwise.
  6. Love your spouse, and reaffirm that love on a daily basis.
  7. Love the Lord. The divine injunction is, “Do not commit adultery.”

The price of adultery is terrible, but too many learn this too late. In all your business, office and home relationships, be careful not to abuse the privilege of working with or having access to someone else’s partner. Your misdirected affection can destroy the lives of many.

Taiwo Odukoya is the senior pastor of The Fountain of Life Church. He is an avid believer in the role of the Church in the social and economic life of the nation. He is the host of The Discovery for Men, The Discovery for Women, The Woman Leader, and Ruth and Boaz, quarterly meetings that reach out to thousands of men and women from all works of life and denominations. He lives in Lagos with his wife, Nomthi, and children. He can be reached at [email protected]

108 Comments

  1. ugo

    October 8, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    Hi Sir and BN readers;.I have been with a guy who is ‘seperated” fro his wife for over a year now. When we met he had no ring and we just clicked. He is very very nice and everyone says so. His wife is stuck up and arrogant and says he never provided enough- wanted to live in Ikoyi etc. I don’t know her, but that what he said and it tallies because she was always asking him to send her kids to the US for secondary-because everyone else was going. Anyways he said he will take the children abroad and then settle them, then divorce her. He introduced me to his brother and has met all my friends, my sisters and everything was going very well until she came across my pictures with him and tracked me down and reported me to my brother. She told him they had little issues but they both agreed to move the kids, only for her to go and find my pictures in her house in Lagos. My brother warned me to stay away, but my guy is adamant he is getting divorced, but the fact she stumbled on my pictures is making her demand all sorts and not signing

    Since the discovery he has been with them in DC for about 6 months, although he calls me every day and we bbm pratically all hours even in the time difference. He says he doesn’t want to destabilize his children, but I forced him to prove his seriousness by coming down to Lagos for my birthday. He came threw me a party but there was no ring and left after 2 weeks because his child was graduating from pre school. I love the fact hes a doting father

    I don’t want to waste my time, but this man is my soul mate. we complete each others sentences and he supports me( not financial, im not a runs girl). But I am turning 31 soon and my parents keep stressing me to bring someone.

    His wife sounds very mean, she even attacked him one day she saw us on skype and the police were called. He says I refresh him and give him peace. He feels alive ( there is 13 years age gap), meanwhile his wife isn’t too bad looking really but i’m younger and my body is tighter he says.

    What do I do? The fact they are ‘separated” and going to divorce means this isn’t really infidelity?

    • anonymous

      October 8, 2014 at 4:03 pm

      Please dear, never make excuses for a man. He is eating his cake and having it. If he really wants to divorce his wife, he should man up and do it. If care is not taken, you will be stuck in this situation for years. My advice, count your loss and move on. Believe in God and you will find your man but not while you are stuck in this relationship. May the good Lord guide you

    • anon

      October 8, 2014 at 4:04 pm

      he’s not divorced yet, you want to force him to divorce to become yours….there are plenti single guys out there ooo

    • fummy

      October 8, 2014 at 4:13 pm

      thank you Ugo for your sincerity and non pretence. I will strongly advise that you cut off the relationship, I know it may be tough considering your age range but trust God to do the best for you. after all. people meet within a year and get married. so if you are getting married to your God’s ordained man at age 31 or 32, I sincerely do not think its to late. my reason for advising you to cut off the relationship is because they have not yet broken up but in the process, you are the third party and you haven’t given the man the chance to make his marriage work by your presence. he is kindaa distracted. truthfully, no woman will want to lose her man just like that so to an extent, I get the angle the wife is coming from. I pray God directs you.

    • pearl

      October 8, 2014 at 4:23 pm

      This is infidelity. Do not try to give excuse to the relationship you have with the man. from what you share, its obvious he is sleeping with you and still sleeping with his wife. The truth is, you are just the side chic. forget whatever he is telling you, that is men for you. he will never marry you or leave his wife. Be the wise one.

    • iyke

      October 8, 2014 at 4:35 pm

      wow … you mean you forced him to prove his seriousness by coming down to Lagos for your birthday from DC and even threw a party for you? Wow! Some men are just very stupid! Am not surprised he is having problems with his wife.
      And for you, soul mate ???Are you for real? You better live your life in a way that leaves you with a good story to tell, and some good memories to hang on to. So far, this is not a good story and I wonder why your intuition isn’t telling you this.

    • Que

      October 8, 2014 at 7:31 pm

      Iyke, d intuition might be shouting what she isn’t willing to hear.

      The comment doesnt come across to me as one in need of what to do, she sounds like one seeking validation for her relationship….. from the public of all places…..! Also sounds quite naive…. but for arguement’s sake lets say he goes thru with the divorce, marries you and you have kids, then he moves onto Caro….then what?? All you know bout this ‘wicked wife’ is what he has told you, and in your wisdom you feel you know her story??…. #Icantevendeal!. You actually deserve the stupid man, if only he was single!

    • Just me

      October 8, 2014 at 5:25 pm

      We sincerely appreciate your honesty and using this medium to seek advice.
      Coming from someone who has been there done that, leave him alone.
      Aunty! forget that sorry of soulmate and we complete each other sentence. Please, dude is just having fun and renewed sex with you. If he really wanted to be with you, honey bun, he would have divorced his wife long time ago in the garden of eden.
      As it stands, you’re been taking for a fool..
      So to unfold the misery here, like someone already suggested, the best person to give you the insight is the wife. The same wife he talks nonsense about, that woman is the key to knowing some truth.
      My dear, leave him while you can. Move on with your life, you must be a very beautiful person, allow some single man appreciate that.
      When a man becomes bored in his marriage, he looks outside for that thing missing temporarily or they could make it permanent depending on who the outside woman is.
      Long story short, end the affair, move on.
      Find someone else, who will not give you concern to worry about his fidelity.
      My 2 cent

      On that note, let’s the main article here.
      Infidelity in marriages is a big issue.
      Everyone looking for exit strategy. No one wants to work hard on their marriage.
      We spend years aquiring degrees, accolades etc, yet we do not want to work hard to sustain our love for one another. I am so concerned about that.

    • Femme de l'Avenir

      October 9, 2014 at 11:29 am

      Just me, I’m all here for your last comment.

      Folks will bend and break to get what they want academically and career wise and will attain and maintain clarity while in pursuit of this but this same man or woman would not know if they want to be with a person or would put in half-assed efforts into love, relationships and friendships or none at all. IMO, there’s more to this life than moving with the breeze, living requires consciousness especially where people and our relations with them are concerned.

    • I said so...

      October 8, 2014 at 5:47 pm

      Wow!!!! You think his coming to Nigeria for 2 weeks and throwing you a party proves anything??? Let me make this clear he has told you he does not want to mess with his children’s lives and you really think he is going to divorce his wife, You are waiting on a longggg thing. You say your body is tight or at least that’s the lies he feeds you. ok keep sitting on tight body till you are 40yrs. What makes you think you are the only tight bodied person he is seeing. Trust me if he can relocate his kids to the US because his wife says so, buying a round trip ticket to Nigeria and throwing you a party is nothing but chips and fish change to him. You say the woman is mean based on what the dude has told you. Have you heard the saying “there are 2 sides to a story”? of course do you expect him to paint her as an angel if he is cheating on her with you??? of course not he is the angel and she is the devil, if not you’d know better than to be sitting a long thing, waiting for a dog disguised as a human.

    • Idak

      October 8, 2014 at 5:56 pm

      Hello ugo,
      If it was not infidelity, you would not need this long epistle to convey your situation.
      The length of your epistle is directly proportional to the extent of infidelity.
      It is a simple rule that always works.
      Best wishes!!

    • deb

      October 8, 2014 at 6:22 pm

      Ugo, the only thing I can pick here is that he says you are young and your body is tighter( his wife’s body was tight before she had children) and if a woman is demanding from her husband( like asking him to take the kidds to second sch in the US and he did, that means the man can afford it which balls down to the fact that the woman is not asking for too much. Leave the man, let him settle his family issue, there is a high probability that he wud make up with her.

    • yeancah

      October 8, 2014 at 6:29 pm

      God doesn’t matchmake us with married people.. he can’t be your soulmate cos he belongs to another.. let him solve the problems in his house. you’d meet other finer SINGLE guys with no baggage… expand your horizon my dear

    • fyre

      October 8, 2014 at 8:38 pm

      Side chick ALERT!!!!

    • Iris

      October 9, 2014 at 2:17 am

      You know you are in the wrong. If you did you wouldn’t be asking this question here. His wife’s alleged meanness is not your business. Even if she is torturing him it is not your business. I understand the strain being 31 and unmarried but another woman’s husband is not your portion. If he can do this to her, think of what he can do to you when you have issues in your marriage (because you will). I am not trying to curse you; every relationship will have its problems. I am not in your relationship but I think that any man who is doing what he is doing is either trying to eat his cake and have it or is too scared to pick one of you. Neither of those reasons are good enough because we all deserve a relationship that is not ambiguous. If he is serious let him get divorced and come back and find you. ANOTHER WOMAN’S HUSBAND IS NOT YOUR PORTION OOOO. I am pulling on my right ear as I type this.

    • Person

      October 9, 2014 at 3:58 am

      Been there, done that ans I have got receipts. My sister, are you listening to me? HE IS LYING. Divorce his wife kwa? It is not going to happen in this lifetime. Jejely count your gains and losses. But this man right here? He isn’t yours.

    • [email protected]

      October 9, 2014 at 9:03 am

      Ugo dear, please stay away from him , as hard as it sounds its the best for him, cos whether of not he is having problems with his wife, you would always be the reason he divorced her that is if he does…most men never do, they get the best of both worlds.

    • MJ

      October 9, 2014 at 10:31 am

      Ugo I stopped where you said his wife saw you on skype. You mean this guy has you wrapped around his finger to the point that he has even moved to America with his family and you are still asking questions on BN?

      Sistehh, first of all, leave this Man, cut off all forms of communication with him then get down on your knees to PRAY!! Then carry your tight body and go look for another Man; your own Man! You might not find him immediately, but be happy and content with yourself.

    • Dee bubu

      October 9, 2014 at 12:00 pm

      Ugo, you seem to already have it all figured out. But for you to pose this question, then Im sure you are second-guessing yourself. You know the truth, but you are here to seek justification.
      Here is my 2 cents:
      It is not in your place to decide when a married man and his wife are over.
      You have no say in their marriage and you never will.
      Leave them to settle their differences and count this as one of lifes’ lessons.
      Try to empathise with that woman and ask yourself how you will feel if the tables were turned.
      That woman has every right to be mad and “attack” HER husband if she sees him skyping with another woman. I would do the the same!
      He says your body is tighter than hers (whatever that means). This says a lot about the type of man he is. I bet her body was tighter than yours before she bore him children.
      You both ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

    • gurlsurg

      October 9, 2014 at 7:16 pm

      3 years ago my dad had an affair which resulted in a child and tore me apart, I suffered heavy depression, lost self esteem and had my grades drop badly, I was merely existing and lost any sense of appreciation for life, I’m only recovering now and able to speak with him and forgive him in bits, it felt like the ultimate betrayal think of he’s wife and kids and how you will tear their lives apart, think of the hatred that will baptise you as you start a new home, think of the hurt, bitterness and betrayal they’ll feel, deep seated issues that will go on for years, think of this and dont do it, just drop it and move on with yourself, I don’t know how you don’t expect he’s wife to be mean or react, she’s only hurting deep inside, imagine the one who you loved and had children for betraying u in such a manner, I think you putting this up means you don’t want to be the kind of person to break someone’s home, the guy is just telling you things n making u promises. I know you might think age isn’t on your side, but just trust God and break off with the man lest God himself fight against you for destroying another’s home, he will give you your hearts desire, your own man, not someone else’s, just focus on you and building yourself up and loving who you are, you don’t need a man to feel complete in yourself, don’t be the reason that his home will break, there will surely be repercussions.

    • Olapere

      October 10, 2014 at 12:23 pm

      Errm are you sure this guy’s name isn’t D-???

    • Odette

      October 11, 2014 at 6:41 pm

      Hi Auntie Ugo, God will never bless you with someone else’s husband; just in case you’re confused. And oh, you’re not the only 31 year old single women in town, plenty of us dey. Abeg chill and wait on the Lord, he will give you your own. That man is only telling you sweet stories in order to get regular sex. He will never divorce his wife. Come back to this post in 5 years and confirm what I’ve just said. peace.

  2. Ephi

    October 8, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    OMG?! You see all these drama and you are still in it. Relationships come with their own challenges not to mention adding additional stress such as this. Also, what happens when 5 years down the line he meets someone else who is younger than you and has a tighter body than you. I’m not trying to gloat at her or something, but borrow a leaf from Ini Edo’s saga.

    To summarize, he is very much still a married man thus yes, it is infidelity.

  3. ada

    October 8, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    hmm.. uve not even started the marraige or relationship and there is already trouble. Why would you want to enter into any marraige when you dont have peace of mind??..stop comparing yourself to his wife. there is two sides to every story. you make him feel alive??-what is that., the tins i hear sha…Answer= you should remove yourself from that situation why should your 1 st choice as a partner be in that kind of situation?=i dont get?? you would spend your marraige fighting some1 else.. and really a real man would never insult the mother of his children regardless of what happened between them. if he can disrespect her like that in front of you?? when your turn comes wonder what he will say..
    So my dear if IT IS NOT God leading you u better run as fast as your heels can take you.

  4. mama ovie

    October 8, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    lol at completing sentences
    just tell yourself the truth and move on
    if he is truly yours he will do the right thing , I have learnt not to condemn people when it has to relate to the matter of the heart
    life is so unfair that your emotional happiness sometimes are in the wrong places

  5. ebun

    October 8, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    Please leave this man alone and believe God for your own man. It is better to marry late than being in a bad marriage. Just trust God for your own man.

  6. ama

    October 8, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    i could try to understand everything until i got to the your body is “tighter” part.

    what exactly does that mean? so it’s all about the body right?

  7. B-WEST

    October 8, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    A man gotten thru adultery will sure oust u out someday via adultery.. my grandma always said the cane used to lash the 1st wife outta d home is never ever thrown away- rather it is hung just behind the door for easy access perharps one day the need for the 2nd wife to be ousted out with the same cane shows up. Get a pastor ,a female CHRISTIAN counsellor to be precise ( i recommend Dominion City ) ,then begin the process of sorting yourself out with God first then gradually with the counsellor’s help all will play out in due time . it wont be easy i must warn you but if u truly let go & let God ,he maketh everythng truly beautiful in his time . i’m living proof!

  8. mama ovie

    October 8, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    @ ugo
    I want you to know that when it comes to a man and two women they tend to be manipulative
    you will be shocked at what he tell his wife about you
    if you want to know the truth call the wife and talk to her in a civil manner make sacrifice and burn your credit but talk to her woman to woman you will be surprised that the guy just dey use you play jogba lol
    see when a man want to divorce a woman he takes the shortest time possible
    coming for your birthday is one of those antics to keep you on hold
    when I was single one guy dey use me play till the point that he took me to his house oh and I met his wife oh but he told the wife that am a friends girl friend on coming back to my abode the girl called me and started insulting my life I insulted her back then after the tension I loaded my phone call the girl after much exchange of insults
    we both calm down and started talking before you know the guy told the lady that am the one calling him the opio guy told me that the girl has been doing abortion for him and no children mean while she has 3 children and pregnant for the fourth
    oboy see spilling na so I just promise the girl never to call the guy again
    six month later the maggot was in Abuja only for him to call me
    I told him my obakiri strike him dead if he ever dial my number na so the guy run oh

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      October 8, 2014 at 11:25 pm

      I’ve just been reading these responses and shaking my head at the sheer audacity of cheating male folk, then I got to yours which made me finally exclaim out loud. Whattt???

      Hian. HIAN!!!! These husbands – Warn yourselves, oh. Before God warns you from Heaven. WARN YOURSELVES.

      @mama ovie, this your story reminded me of one foolish individual of a Doctor M that I once knew. So, this confused man wanted to “form” player and started chasing me with proclamations of love and devotion; however, I had friends (good ones, I might add) who told me that he was in a serious relationship with some babe. I asked the Doc outrightly and come and see denial! He said, “noooooo, never, not at all!” & advised me not to listen to what people say. Na im the babe enter gear and got my number from I-don’t-know-where and began harassing me with phone calls to leave her man alone. I told said man that I no fit fight, make he carry himself go and the idiot was STILL denying her, painting her as a desperado who’s been on his matter for yonks.

      Well, guess what I heard a few months after I said my goodbye & waka’d? Chick was pregnant and they were getting married. And the cherry on the cake is that not up to a year after they got married, he sent me an email (I’d left town by then) asking if I wanted to come over on a visit to Naija for a spell & offering to foot the bill? I laughed in Gaelic and never responded, just felt truly sorry for that girl he married. Although, in hindsight they probably deserved each other…

      @Ugo, you’re a brave lass for putting your business out there like that but please realise that even some of the seemingly harsh-sounding comments come from a genuine place of care. 31 is not too young to go back out there and start looking for love again. It’s better than waking up 10yrs later and seeing the grand mess you’ve allowed some slithering worm of a cheating man to make of your life.

      Finally @ Pastor Taiwo – this message! This VERY message was part of the teaching we had during bible study in church tonight and I had unasked questions in my heart, some of which I think you’ve answered. The Holy Spirit is truly one. Thank you so much, sir. 🙂

    • bbaby

      October 9, 2014 at 5:08 pm

      i have almost fainted laughing

  9. Bella

    October 8, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    My dear, he is not leaving, nothing can stop a man or woman from leaving if and when they want to, nothing. So your own is that he is simply eating his cake and eating it too at your time and expense. This whole forcing business, he could have lied to his wife to say he has urgent business, you were not there to hear what he said, my advise to you is this. End the affair immediately, and if he is serious, he will end his marriage, and come looking for you holding proof of his divorce. Don’t partake in this emotional rollercoaster, you simply don’t have the stamina for it. Leave it to the runs. LOL. But on a serious note o, seriously, leave him and close that door, you will be amazed at how God will open another door for you that is solely yours and yours alone. There are single men out there. Take your time and focus on what’s healthy for you and for your body and your soul. Good luck o.

  10. experienced sis

    October 8, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    my dearest sis, I hv bn in ur shoes. infact, hd to break up this year. he will not I repeat he will not marry u. d guy I dated separated from his wife and then I met him afterwards and we started dating. he ws always complaining abt her. we were together for one and a half years, well let me not bore u will long tori. he eventually married someone else. my dear sis, jst forget abt him. he is nt ur own. moving on is very hard bt dats d best thing to do. also, let me add, guys like dat r usually unhappy people and never give excuses for a man. all d best

  11. ugo

    October 8, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    Thank you all for not insulting me, . There are few people i can share this with- because my friends keep saying show us the divorce papers. I have some doubts like you have all raised, but if he is still with me one year on, even after his wife reported him to his family and all. i must mean something. He told me hes never cheated and his wife even told my brother that this is the first time and she is seriously worried because he’s never been like this before. He barely talks to her only by email and doesn’t eat her food. I’m not saying this to run her down only to let you know how bad their marriage is. Ive seen some nasty emails she sent him. She really is very very mean. He says he is going to leave her whether I wait for him or not.

    Ama, the comment about tight made him sound really shallow. What i was trying to say is that his wife is actually good looking and with a decent body after 3 children (14, 9 and 4),but i have not had any children yet and I guess he appreciates this.

    I really do pray about it, but I cant just shake it off..

    • Changing Faces

      October 8, 2014 at 5:17 pm

      You’re praying on top of someone’s husband? Women are really their own worst enemies. Your body is tight with no children, after it sags due to childbirth, what happens? I don’t care how wicked his wife is, she remains his wife till they divorce. She’s mean, she wants to live in Ikoyi, so what? do you know how they started? and if he can afford it, why not? i started in my sis in laws house with my husband, thankfully things are now better. when we can afford it, then Ikoyi it is! Obviously the man can afford it since he has gone to settle them in DC! Last word, whenever he marries you, better be on the lookout for younger, tighter girls…

    • aba

      October 8, 2014 at 5:27 pm

      Ugo, a lot has been said already and I am sure deep down, you know the right thing to do but you feel you are not strong enough. I have been in your situation, (31, dating an almost divorced guy). We were together for four years and all and sundry knew about the relationship and we had the best time of our lives. I woke up one day and I just stood in front of the mirror and had a honest conversation with myself. If I was really happy in the situation I was in. This was someone who made me feel like the only person in the world and I just couldn’t imagine my life without him in it. though he was always talking about leaving his wife, I just did not want to be that person who broke up a home. It took me a day to break it off and though I was dying inside, I stuck to my decision. If he says all those things to you about his wife, just put yourself in the wife’s position for a minute. Will you be all lovey dovey with your husband if you suspected he was seeing someone? What of the three children, are they going to welcome you with open hands when they know you are the reason their mum is in so much pain. All I can say is, do not waste another day of your life on him. If he really wanted to leave his wife for you, believe me he would have done so. Being single at 31 as scary as it seems is not as bad as wasting your time on someone. I do miss the person I was with and maybe one day when I am no more in pain, I hope to be friends with him as he is a great person.

    • Just me

      October 8, 2014 at 6:01 pm

      We’re certainly not here to insult you. Insulting you won’t help you at this time. Alot of us replying to your post are women and we can understand the confusion you’ve found yourself.
      We’re simply providing you another voice you can listen to and reevaluate your choice.
      Some choices are not healthy for us, and this is one of those choices you really have to say NO.
      Unless you have other motives besides what you have aired in the open. But be warned, “Hell has no fury like a woman scorned”, The wife is quiet now, do not let her focus change to you because that would not be good.
      I really feel compelled to push you to reeavaluate this relationship with this man. I see you holding on to his words that are not true.
      Let’s say he does divorce, then what? he will immediately marry you or you guys will continue to date.
      Have you thought about the fact he could one day be bored of you as well?
      It is up to you to decide.
      Question: does your mother know what is going on? Has she given you some word of wisdom or is she enabling you?

    • D

      October 8, 2014 at 6:24 pm

      From your story it is obvious you are well aware what you are doing is wrong but you are not willing to leave the situation, at leas,t not quite yet and only looking for people to probably support your actions unfortunately no one is and neither am I. like someone pointed out do you expect the woman to be nice to a two timing cheat? would you be nice to him too if the said “he” was your husband? and unless you don’t plan having kids to then your body is about to “loosen” too and then what??? on to the next tight woman or does he not know what it takes to “untighten” the body. If it is tight body he seeks then he should have restrained from having sex with his wife, But like I said I doubt you are ready to leave him, I mean even your brother has asked that you leave, but you clearly have not, so what can we mere strangers say to you???

    • Hmmm

      October 8, 2014 at 9:45 pm

      Ugo, you sound like such a lovely young lady. You are better than this. I beg you, stop praying o. God no go answer that kin prayer. God’s ways are perfect and He is not the author of confusion. My dear, HE WILL NOT GIVE YOU ANOTHER WOMAN’s HUSBAND (I hope you know he is still another woman’s husband). The prayer you should be praying now is one of forgiveness and grace to move on.

      One more prayer point for you, BEG God that when you finally marry the man chosen and ordained for you by God one small girl too will not come and be saying he is her soulmate lol
      I pray that God will give you wisdom, I don’t know you but my heart goes out to you cos that irresponsible man is confused and using you.

    • Hian

      October 9, 2014 at 3:11 am

      When you have to defend a man so much you have a big issue. This is not love or life BABE. He is shallow, he isnt a real man. Your friends are good friends, listen to them. He is messy let him settle his home first before drawing you into drama. Please Ugo have respect for yourself dear. His childrens cries to God will not go unheard or his wife if they decide to commit you in prayer. If you were meant to be he would be divorced. Men have kept mistresses for decades, 1 year is nothing but 365 days of easy access to your cookies.

    • Hian

      October 9, 2014 at 3:15 am

      Sorry but he appreciates what? You keep exposing this man for what he is. He appreciates your tight body that is yet to bring forth a child, when you do birth a child your body will transform…what happens then. His wifes devotion could not keep him, you think yours will because you “get” him right. Ugo nne wake up o. Wake up biko. If this woman is as mean as you say, she mightshift her focus to you, dont be known as the desperate girl chasing after a man. You know our society, it will be you that will be mocked, not that idiot of a boy you call a man.

    • Adaeze Writes

      October 9, 2014 at 12:44 pm

      My dear…wake up and smell the coffee please! I’m not doubting that a man who’s separated from his wife could actually have genuine love for another woman but please think well. I love all the replies above and they all hit the nail on the head. Please sit again, read through the lines and think, if you feel this relationship is genuine (he’s really into you and will marry you) then go ahead and make your decision.
      Thanks Pastor Taiwo for this!

  12. Kenny Jossy

    October 8, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    @Mama Ovie LOL………. laugh wan kill you say the dude they use am play jogba, e don tay way i hear that slang, i bet you be waffi babe. The dude na really opio. The bottom line is that why do women think that marriage is everything? at 31yrs of age, if the right man, has not showed up, be patient don’t freak out you are still young.

  13. Kenny Jossy

    October 8, 2014 at 5:18 pm

    @Ugo. I can understand your position, when a woman is in love, theres nothing one will say to her that will change her mind. I wish you good luck and i hope, it turns out good for you. sometimes the truth is better, but it will always set one free. I dated a lady, she has a great body, the sex was awesome, she smells rte ally great i loved it, but deep in me, i knew, i wasn’t going to settle for her, for reasons best known to me. I did broke the news to her, that i don’t think i’ll settle for her bc age is not on her side, and i wanted her to have the opportunity to try somebody else, she was heartbroken till this day all i can do is pray for her. I NO go lie sha the girl kponyon sweet hahahaha sometimes i dey think about am hey i tell myself the leaf way day sweet goat na him the kill so i just kept it moving.

    • Pondering

      October 9, 2014 at 1:32 pm

      @kenny Please this is out of curiosity, i pray thee,pls tell me the reason why you broke up with this nice lady you described. The reason i asked is that i truly want to know why people end relationships just like that and leaves the other party with an open wound and alot of speculation.
      Am happy you are a guy giving an insight on this issue, and i also think we need or rather ugo needs to hear from guys that are in this situation to balance the comments.
      From my experience, i had a rebound with a guy with troubled marriage and separated from the wife and seeking divorce. the marriage lasted for like 10yrs +. It played out thus:
      1. the guy didnt know it was a rebound though
      2. The church was delaying the divorce process
      3.The estranged wife was also stalling thou her people has returned the bride price
      4.The guy needed to move on so badly. His kids were lovely and they wanted me to be there always. The guy was very doting and humble.
      5.Now i gave a million and one excuse why he should wait on me, he needed to go pay my bride price. I would break his heart if i told him it was a rebound, so i used the church delays for excuses, though it was obvious it would pull through; but i used that as an exit. Moreso it felt so wrong to know its cause of me that he is quickening his divorce; becos i kept telling him that he didnt need to quickly remarry. He should take time to heal seeing that the wife and her people had already returned the bride price

      My epistle @Ugo is that; if someone wants to be with you, they would make sure they are with you at any cost. Please cut your losses and move on, that guy is toxic and 31 is not old. Love is only a palpitation of the heart that is quickened more if the parties involved have physical involvement “sex”. Ask yourself this hard question, if you guys werent having sex, if he was a barrow pusher(i noticed you said its not about his money, but again the question is can u on your own afford the material stuffs he offers u). If sex and financial convenience was not there, would you still feel the same way about this man?

  14. anonymous

    October 8, 2014 at 5:28 pm

    Hi Ugo, i read your comments and can hear the voice of a woman who wants to be in this relationship more than out of it. Trust me sis, it WILL be to your detriment. I fell for a man similar to yours years ago, who went ahead to marry me traditionally and we have three kids together. Its been 8 years and the divorce is still not through. To top that up my sweet enchanting guy who will move the world for me has turned to a monster. We fight everyday, going months without talking at times. He blames me for the problems he has and wait for it is now best friends with his ex who he had told me he only married for papers and who has no kids with him and who is yet to move on after all these years. While i dont regret marrying him or having my kids, i will not advise anyone to listen to a man who isnt man enough to settle properly with one woman before moving on to the next. A man of honor, who honestly wants the best for his marriage but who circumstances or events has prevented him from achieving that, will finish off completely with one woman before moving on to the next. Besides the only ground for divorce in the eyes of God is adultery and if his wife has not committed adultery then he is sinning and dragging you into the sin with him and you will suffer for it, if you dont back out now and plead for God and the wife’s forgiveness. There is a sanctity to marriage as the Pastor said that you just have to respect for if you dont one day very soon when you are on the other side of the boat someone like you will not respect yours. Better to make a good decision now at 31 than to be a single mum with 3 kids at 41 and then look back in regret. God doesnt play with these things and you even meddling in their affairs and reading mails from her is just wrong, even I didnt do that. How would you feel if your husband in future regardless of any problems you might be having shows your messages to another woman? There is a man for you and i know without a shadow of a doubt he is not the one. I learnt too late. You dont have to.

    • bluebells

      October 9, 2014 at 7:32 pm

      God bless you for sharing this experience so graciously. It hopefully will touch someone’s heart and give them the courage to make a change- even if Ugo herself won’t

  15. Just me

    October 8, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    Great conversation today.
    Thank you Bella for posting this article.
    All around, everyone can agree that infidelity is not ideal.
    No one wants to be taken for a fool no matter how smart you think you are.
    Relationships are hard as it is, then add extra curricula activities into the mix and it is something unrecognizable and depressing.

  16. D

    October 8, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    I read this part and sat up straight ” If a man or woman looks straight into your eyes, without any just reason, and you do not immediately look away, it is assumed that you are interested. It is worse if you follow it up or respond with a smile. And there are many out there who know how to subdue with their eyes. Do not be a victim.”
    Unless, “just reasons” includes every time I am speaking to someone then maybe. Otherwise, I know agree at ALL!!! this is why many Nigerians today have problems getting jobs in the Western world and I can confidently say this . Eye contact here is very very important, it shows you are NOT timid and your have an healthy dose of self confidence and that goes a long way in a job interview and in the corporate world. You can say the right things but if your soft skills suck, no job be that, i.e eye contact with a smile and a good handshake, be able to carry a professional conversation and if you talk with eyes to the ceiling or roof or worst to the ground or chest (avoid this at all cost if it is a woman) people think something is wrong with you, kids are told to make eye contact while their parents speak so they know you are paying attention.

    • cafino

      October 9, 2014 at 5:24 am

      D, this is not an insult, but pls don’t act stupid. I am pretty sure you understood what he meant by what he said. If you did not then let me explain it in clearer terms. He was basically saying flirting with your eyes. If you are not interested you are supposed to look away.

      Also he said looking in the eyes “WITHOUT ANY JUST REASON”. In an interview session or professional setting, you have JUST reason to look them in the eye. So don’t act like you don’t understand the setting Pastor Taiwo is talking about. I live in the Western World and I had a problem with the eye contact thing. I sometimes had to explain that it was a cultural thing (we are not supposed to look elders in the eye) and most people understood. And the longer you are here, the less likely you will avert your eyes in a professional setting.

    • BlueEyed

      October 9, 2014 at 6:31 am

      I think what the Pastor meant was in a familiar environment like in the work place, among familiar co-workers, acquaintances or in a neighborhood with familiar faces, not in the case of an interview with two complete strangers or in a very professional environment where a level of civilness and professionalism is expected.

  17. D

    October 8, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    ***I no agree***

  18. deb

    October 8, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    Ugo, after I have read your second comment, you really strike me as a greedy person who does not have principles and integrity, im so sorry to say. By the time you have kids too and your body isn’t tight anymore, what do you ddo?

  19. PACE

    October 8, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    @ Ugo….. It’s good you’re sincere about the situation of things as regards your relationship. I’m going to be very sincere and honest with you as well. As we all know, every relationship has its issues. It’s obvious the guy has issues in his marriage. However, some part of him hopes things will get better with his wife. There are numerous ways he can frustrate his wife that she’ll fast-track the divorce. If he moved to DC with his family to ‘settle them’, that’s a very good indication that he won’t jeopardize what concerns his nuclear family for someone out there. You mentioned about him introducing you to his siblings. That’s no guarantee he has good intentions for you dear. I can bet they’ll have his back all day long rather than yours. Mr has got you as a back-up. Perhaps things don’t eventually work out with his wife, he has something to fall back on. I bet no sane woman out there is happy being a side chick. I understand matters of the heart can be very difficult to deal with and from what you’ve written, you’re heads over heels for him. You’re better off being real with yourself and moving on. Every man has a woman out there. Same way, every woman has a man out there. If Mr truly wants you to be his wife, he’ll do the needful (finalize the divorce process) and come searching for you. Please don’t make yourself a mistress indefinitely. I can guarantee you things will take a turn for the worse if you get pregnant for him.

  20. Madam of Life

    October 8, 2014 at 7:57 pm

    @Ugo I am very sorry but I am going to be the first person to insult you!! you are a very very silly somebody. What arrant nonsense are you talking here. Did you think you will come here and ppl will tell you well done girl good on you for being a home wrecker. M yfreind GTFOH with that BS. I cant stand chicks like u.

    Listen up! God can never give you another persons husband! you better stop writing foolish sob stories to seek sympathy and freaking go and look for your own. Total Rubbish!!!!

  21. abi

    October 8, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    @ ugo u mentioned u requested dat he proves his love by coming to naija for your bday,babes dats just less than 1m with d party itself meaning he has moni rite ND dats 1 of d reasons why his wife is asking him for some comfy life but have u thought abt it dat he has refused to do d divorce becos he does not wanna loose d kids,so wat re u waiting for?? Even if he marries u he will still go back ND forth with her cos dey have kids togeda,rite now u in denial stage dats why u can’t leave him,but ask urself do u really wanna do dis for d next 5 yrs ow much more d rest of ur life,be truthful to urself.may God be with u.

  22. BabyDee

    October 8, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    Where do i even begin or what else is there to say that has not been said? You are making all kinds of excuses for him and it’s sickening to read all that jargon. For goodness sake, separate yourself from him and let him go file for divorce and let the divorce be finalized before he comes back to you. If you are indeed soul mates you will find your way back to each other at the RIGHT TIME. In the meantime, do something tangible and honorable with your life. Keep yourself busy and make yourself available to dating like a normal 31yr old.
    Per your tight body; of course his wife’s body has birthed 3 children and she’s also older than you are. You will also birth children for him (I’m assuming you would want to have his children), and then your body will no longer be tight and banging. Guess what happens then? he replaces you with another 31 one year old sisi with a banging Kim Kadarshian body, and he’ll only be 56 then and confusing another young girl. Please be wise!
    And by the way, your brother is not helping matters. Where are your parents??

    -BabyDee

  23. jesse

    October 8, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    Hello everyone, i most tell y’all gave a good comments as regards to Ugo’s issue. Keep the good works going. @Ugo, a word is enough for the wise. Like seriously I’m available, single never married nd 31 as u above all God fearing… God have Mercy on us al nd make us walk by HIM nd be perfect…peace!

  24. elyn90s

    October 8, 2014 at 9:22 pm

    I really don’t like commenting wen it cums to issues like dis, after typing advice on ur phone or on d system, dis same person seeking for advice wouldn’t listen or even yield. @ugo u kip defending dis man from ur first comment to d second, after my beloved BN family av adviced u nd shared their experience, biko go ahead wit d decision u’ve made up in ur mind already nd stop wasting our energy

    • Deeolar

      October 14, 2014 at 8:30 am

      I tire o!!

  25. Ugo

    October 8, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    I appreciate all your comments. My heart really isn’t at peace at all. Some of rhe rhings I wrote have been musunderstood
    1. My brother doesn’t condone this at all. He reported to my parents ( though not all detail ). My mom told me to forget it so they are unaware. But yet they remind me daily my younger sisters are married.

    2. The emails from his wife – he showed me as they came in whilst he was with me. She said some really disgusting things to him and admitted she didn’t treat him Right in another email . That he should give the relationship another chance – but he told me he stopped living her 3 yrs ago.

    3. He was very upset his wife called my brother because he said now my parents know his name and IT will be difficult to introduce him in future.

    4. My real worry is ive never felt like this. No body has ever treated me so right . If he’s truly incompatible with his wife to rhe extent that he doesn’t wear a ring at all , hes totally open with me about his future plans and all. If I give this all up and I never find another soul mate yet he remains so miserable, what will be the point of the whole year I’ve devoted ?

    • Ugo

      October 8, 2014 at 10:08 pm

      Sorry I can’t really put all the full details as I don’t know who may be reading this.

    • romance hunter

      October 9, 2014 at 12:51 am

      You need to build your self esteem. Stolen meat is never sweet. God’s blessings are unlimited so definitely another woman’s husband cannot be your portion. Are you ready to forgo having kids? He’s 44 with 3 already. I think thats a big elephant in your relationship. He’s hailing you for tightness….for a reason. He’s done his diaper duty and I”m not sure he’ll be interested in all that over again.
      Don’t fall victim of a man going through a midlife crisis.
      Be strong and do the right thing

    • Miss T

      October 14, 2014 at 10:31 am

      sorry to say……. In all sincerity you’re foolish. The fact that you’re still trying to justify yourself is just plain stupidity. kindly gather your shit together and move on already.

    • Madam d madam

      October 8, 2014 at 10:34 pm

      OMG I wish I can slap some sense into ur head now. Ugo u r only wasting ur time I promise you and u will be the overall looser in the end trust me.

      It is not ur place to wonder why his wife sent him mean messages. It is not ur place to judge whether a man and his wife are compatible. Guess what husband and wives fight all the time and say horrible things. If he is so unhappy why has he not left. I repeat it is not ur place to question what his wife is mean. Don’t even dare use the actions of his ‘horrible mean’ to justify your selfish acts. So his wife is evil and u r now the knight in shining gele to come and rescue him abi? Oh puhleasee stop deceiving and wasting ur life.

      That man is NEVER going to leave his family and he will never marry u. U my dear are just a piece of ass to him at best u r a distraction. I’m sure u have heard of the 80-20 rule. U r only the 20% my dear. If he is truly your enchanted soul mate he would damn the consequences and divorce his wife.

      There is no way you can ever justify your actions. You selfish girl if you were his wife how would you feel? Pls ans the question o. You better shine ur eye, beg God for forgiveness and move on with your life. No Good can come out of evil. If you like stay there and be doing Olodo love u hear.

      P.S Bellanaija pls ask pastor Taiwo to help us ans this girl now maybe a word from the man of God will be the straw to break the camels back hehehe as it stands she no dey hear wetin anybody dey talk lolol.

    • Deeolar

      October 14, 2014 at 8:35 am

      Lol @ knight in shining gele!

    • bimyx

      October 8, 2014 at 11:44 pm

      Err…..ki le leyin so gaan ? lol…my Husband DOES NOT WEAR A RING….AT ALL. NEVER HAS, probably never will.. cos He doesn’t like jewelry.. AT ALL.

      And we are HAPPILY MARRIED… u hear me?!! so if he corners one small ghel, and toasts he because he wants to chop n clean mouth, and she sees his bare fingers and believes his small small lies…. na she enter one chance. A ring is a piece of metal that CAN be taken off….

      geez.. open your eyes girl!!

    • Hian

      October 9, 2014 at 3:05 am

      Dude is playing you. He was upset your parents now know his name so he thinks his story will not be heard, when they investigate or you have told him they are pressuring you to marry? Honey you need to take this energy and,invest in a man that is less crooked. This man is a scammer, he does not even respect you one bit. It is unfortunate. Him spilling business does not mean you are his confidant, you are just a release to him both sexually and otherwise. It is Naija,he can even wed you traditionally. He knows you are looking for marriage he can meet your people but he will not because he does not want to mess up his home.please dear please, nothing he is doing is soecial, married men do this all the tine. That thrill of the chase for a new woman is something a man lacking discioline will go after.

  26. Ooo ouch!

    October 8, 2014 at 10:13 pm

    I love all the comments…mama Ovie u don kill me!either you be safi or waffi babe.lol..I clicked about 50 likes o.only me…that should be regulated though?lol

  27. God is able

    October 8, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    Ugo love, don’t mind everyone insulting you.

    i know this is definitely beyond you. can we do something?

    Take 1month break from him, use the period to go to God in prayer, express your heart to Him like Hannah did, weep if you wish. Father I am helpless, this is beyond me, help me. Let your will be done in my life.

    As for your parents, they need to be reminded that you can’t marry yourself and its not your own wish to be single. Tell them in as much as they love you and want your good, the constant remembrance causes more havoc. The only thing they can do for you if they really love you is to pray for you.

    i love you dear and God loves you more.

    May God’s peace and presence overshadow you as you sleep tonight.

    Peace

  28. just me

    October 8, 2014 at 10:49 pm

    Assuming your were married, how would you feel knowing some woman, somewhere is praying that your husband leaves you for her, stop and think about that for a minute.
    Girl! seriously get over yourself and let that guy go.
    Let him goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
    There are men out there looking to spend quality time with someone but someone like you is busy attaching to a confused married man. Let him goooooooooooooooooooo..biko

  29. babygiwa

    October 8, 2014 at 11:01 pm

    @Ugo, I am a young lady (I’m in my early twenties) but let me state this clearly even though I don’t know you, I am disappointed in you. You are not a good example of what women should be, I am ashamed on your behalf. Go ahead and continue berating his wife, if making her feel small is what will make you feel big continue…. see ehen, you can’t sow onions and reap veggies… selah

  30. janet

    October 8, 2014 at 11:05 pm

    My dear if u love dis man, wait for him. Yes there is something called second chance, nt all stories end badly a lot of us are in it and are happy we waited, he made a mistake and he has found u. Wat are people saying here. Married women indeed abeg make una leave ugo joor wen don see who una go use flex muscle , leave matter o most of dem married women hav lovers in dubai, india , china ,london and alll cities de claim to go for business dey tink de man doesn’t knw. A man. Knows wen u been unfaithful bcos he keeps quiet is bcos he doesn’t want. A divorce. Yet makes u tink ur marriage is intact, dnt be fooled it will come maybe wen u least expect it keep misbehaving, a man knws hw ur virgina was de last time he had. U and if u travel and come back after 2wks he will knw if something has happened, why is vigina wash and tighener common among married .My dear stay where u are if u are happy, work hard to get dat good man dat his wife dit appreciate ,some of dem only fight for their husbands only wen de knw dey are abt to lose another woman. a good man neva apperciated. if wives want their husband to stay faithful and commited de should sit up. U give a man crap bcos he is married to and u expect him to swallow it for eva hell no. A lot of married people are nt where dey want to be bt de children won’t let leave. He is a good man for wanting to give his children a beta life. Sade okoya get two head , abi no bi dedicated side chic she be before? Even plenty pastors keep side chics and travel wit dem all de time, na wetin we dey see everyday. Marriages in lagos esp sinks big time all na show , so dear ugo If u want to marry someone else marry o bt if u find joy wit him stay wit him bcos from ur story I can nt garantee that u will be faithful to ur husband wit him around.

    • Okeoghene

      October 9, 2014 at 9:07 am

      Indeed,there are humans!!!Janet what are you saying?!!Yours isn’t even an opinion!!You are just wrong!!!You need a reset of your mindset!!

    • [email protected]

      October 9, 2014 at 9:52 am

      Dear God, please save us from the likes of Janet!!!!!!I

      I’m amazed that some ladies still reason like this SMH

    • Deeolar

      October 14, 2014 at 8:42 am

      As of October 14, 8:42 am……..92 people liked that comment.

    • Busola Adedire

      Oluwabusola Adedire

      October 9, 2014 at 11:27 pm

      I don’t know if I should be worried for you or the 25 people who liked your comment.

    • Deeolar

      October 14, 2014 at 8:44 am

      October 14, 2014 at 8:42 am
      As of October 14, 8:42 am……..92 people liked that comment.

  31. Run lady run

    October 8, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    Your coming out publicly to ask for an opinion means you still have a conscience somewhere…you’re just vulnerable and that makes you susceptible to being taken advantage of. I will not judge you especially after taking this brave step…..don’t panic even if you’re 40….love can find anyone at anytime…and it’s the quality of love that matters not the timing……please ditch the guy….some wet pillows, pick yourself up and face a bright future. I wish u well

  32. bimyx

    October 8, 2014 at 11:48 pm

    Janet….no vex, I need to say this: oo gbadun rara. Ki ni gbogbo rada rada that u are typing. So Shade Okoya is now role model. Wo BN, i cant deal tonight. Goodnite. Pshsss…

    Ugo… wait for him o shogbo. Waiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttt.

  33. www.africanstorytellers.blogspot.com

    October 8, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    A cross section of those who have lent @ugo some pieces of advice have blamed her for only relying on one side of the proposed divorce story, the man’s side. But peeps, can’t you see y’all are as guilty as she in hasty generalization just using only her side of the story to draw up conclusions? Since none of us have heard the man’s side of the story, we are not in any position to judge.
    In the end everyone is entitled to happiness, even if short lived.
    Life has taught me that we never can predict the intentions of humans.
    Enough said!

    africanstorytellers.blogspot.com

    • adeanon

      October 9, 2014 at 8:51 am

      Good point. The man may come and say my wife changed., she got rude , she got materialistic, she has stretch marks, she doesn’t respect me. The wife might say my husband started making money, started treating me like crap, started saying my body isn’t tight, started talking to Ugo all hours of the night. The thing is whatever the angle of the story is, however badly the marriage has degenerated, a man should honor his vows OR release himself of them before pursuing another. Ugo sees quite vulnerable and that’s the person Im most worried for.

  34. a3

    October 9, 2014 at 2:28 am

    Hmmmm, Ugo dear. This guy might seem to be d angel you’ve prayed for all your life but my dear I can assure you it won’t be for long. Don’t let your parents push you into doing something you’ll regret all your life. My step mom (may her soul continue to rest in peace) was never a happy woman till she died and you know why? My dad couldn’t stop talking about my mum and he never stopped cheating either. Fact is dis ur man is still married wether you like it or not, the fact that your relationship is an adultrous one is enough to mare your relationship in future. Don’t forget those kids will grow to hate you forever that’s if they don’t attempt to kill you sef. That wife of his will be a part of his life forever wether you like it or not. You deserve your own man my dear. Not a man with all this baggage. If he can’t mend his home with the mother of his kids what makes you think he will do that with you when you’re faced with issues? There’s no marriage without serious challenges at one point or the other so please! Take this advise, respect and love yourself enough to move on and ask God for a God fearing husband. You deserve better. We all can’t be wrong about this dear. Just read through all the comments again and sit back and have a good conversation with yourself. Plus take God seriously, no good christian will sit back and pray for a man to leave his home for her.

  35. Hian

    October 9, 2014 at 2:58 am

    Ugo, please he says everything that all married men say. Yes his wife is mean, yes she does not treat him right but what is the root of a woman who he chose to have 3…count it 3 children with, what is the root of her anger? Why can’t she demand a better life from her husband. Do you know their story and what he promised her?

    Let me also ask you, a man that will cheat on his family has questionable character…that is who you want to end up with? You think you are any different from the woman he has built a life with? Oh honey wake up and smell the coffee. This man is using you at a time when he should be fighting for his home. If you marry him and you have issues, it is safe to say he can run into the arms of an awaiting soulmate with a tight body. Oh and one more thing, if your man was so innocent he would NEVER badmouth the mother of his children. That is what grown men do, they would never badmouth their exes. Be careful honey, all of us have heard what your man has told you countless times. Do not be foolish. You reek of desperation and he is playing on that.

  36. Adeanon

    October 9, 2014 at 6:43 am

    Janet- you need help, like the MFM type. Sure let her wait … Whilst she’s waiting you Go back to school and learn English, values and morals

  37. janet

    October 9, 2014 at 7:10 am

    [email protected] why are even saying more, u knw u will neva leave dis man until he leaves u so why even puting ur sef out to be butchered. U love dis man concentrate on the joy part, don’t put pressure on him let tings happen . If u work put ur best in ur careerer and get to de top of wat eva u are into. Let him help u fix ur life nt jus ur body. Happiness is nt always until u sign de dotted lines. Most dotted places are war zones u don even want to step ur feet . If u read de book of Esther ,u will find out de king wanted to find a replacement for a queen who throw thrash at him bc she felt too comfortable, I am sure she would hav been called all sorts. Of names bt her glory made de king happy and u can read abt her today. Solomon had cumcubines, david had too but there did extra ordinary tings for us to read. Ur life is suppoes to do extra ordinary tings men appreciate hard working, faithful, honest and trust.worthy women. Don’t feel quilty. De women who do value de husbands I wish dem a 1000 ugos to make dem sit up.

    • adeanon

      October 9, 2014 at 8:53 am

      Janet I really worry for you and I mean this in a very nice way.Your argument is so flawed. A woman is mistreating her husband and an affair is the way to go? Oh my.. And she should make money out of it – he should enhance her career and her life. Yes that is so much better.
      Please get help. Quick.

    • Arin

      October 9, 2014 at 11:40 am

      Jane while you are quoting Esther in the Bible, also note that the king wasn’t confused about wanting Vashti or not after her display. He took away the title queen from her immediately!! God is not an author of confusion . If he was yours he would have long divorced his wife. I know this is tough for you, you will find the strength to move on.

  38. janet

    October 9, 2014 at 8:53 am

    @ prof adeanon the great pretender, u need church of satan own o. Wat eva I was able to write at least u read it.. Opinion varies good or bad let her make de final decision. Holy People hav called her names let somebody soothen her heart nw abi.

    • D

      October 9, 2014 at 5:32 pm

      Ok so she waits right like you advise or like you are waiting, at least that’s the impression I get from your initial statement. At say 60yrs when you are retired and he is too, that is, the money is no longer coming in as it used to. You have no one because trust me most men and women at that age now start looking to their kids, spending time with the grandkids and what will you be doing? With no one as a companion because he will not be spending as much time with you, if any. You might think it is ok, for now he is “taking care” of you, spending time with you and trust me his kids know and hate you so you will not be allowed anywhere near them. You are all alone twindling your hands, sad and depressed. You are forgoing long term gratification for immediate (at most 15-20years) gratification although I know this is not the medium but yes we married women need to take care of our men and never take them for granted nevertheless, that is not guarantee that the man will not walk/cheat. I know of many old men my dad’s age that even left their wives for the side chic, after retirement and the kids have cut them off, they want to return to their matrimonial homes, where are the side chics now??? bitter and all of them with kids. Short term gratification very short term. I hope I did not sound judgemental cos that’s definitely not my intention but I am hope this causes you to pause for a minute and think. They (men) always always go back it might not be right away but 10-15yrs, 20yrs later then will try to get that 80% back.

  39. funbaby

    October 9, 2014 at 9:11 am

    ugo dear,

    you are in a fix right now and only you can decide for yourself, you have been advised but the decision is up to u. but at the end of the day when u look back, will you be able to stand tall and say I thank God I made this decision? I will be pray for strength for u, cause you will need a lot of it.

  40. funbaby

    October 9, 2014 at 9:12 am

    *praying*

  41. mscookie

    October 9, 2014 at 9:27 am

    omg i hate to say this hun, and i dont mean it from a bad place but this is delusions at it best, some making excuses for him, God is not an author of confusion he will never send you a married man. plz keep it moving and stop wasting your time.

  42. spoonfullofsugar

    October 9, 2014 at 9:35 am

    Ugo, when I was a teenager , I thought just like you. Now, I’m 24 and I cannot be deceived like this. I literally cannot believe a 31 year old woman can be easily deceived like this. Even if he leaves his wife for you (I doubt that he will), they will always be attached. He will go back and forth sleeping with her. He has 3 kids with her, they have a bond. Cool down, you will get another fresh man with no baggage and then look back and wonder what was I thinking! Just look your best and keep praying.

  43. demashi

    October 9, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Ugo,
    I would have a bit of empathy for you, relationships can be quite complicated. I would admonish you to follow your heart.

    We don’t know the full story but I believe you are sincere with the man and yourself. From all indications the relationship is as good as dead and while I hate divorce, I don’t consider it a death sentence.

    A close friend wife left him over a year ago & filed for divorce. He later fell in love with a fellow church member who stood by him through all the drama, now the ex-wife is going ballistic on him after she left him in the lurch. I agree he should move ahead even though they are still in court, you can sense the peace in the new relationship, your case is not much different.

    if they have been separated for over 2 years and there’s no hope for reconciliation (you’d know by the manner of communication between the exes), i won’t legislate against you dating him but advise that you guard yourselves from any drama the ex might come up with. The court should grant the divorce if the couple have been separated for a couple of years and there are no other legal impediments.

    Your case is different from a regular side chick, the couple are separated and going through a divorce

    • lol

      October 9, 2014 at 5:40 pm

      The court will not give this one divorce … please read Ugo’s comments again!!! they are living together in DC, that is, husband and wife and no divorce is anywhere. I am not anti divorce infact I have advised many “to leave and let live” abeg your health (mental, emotional and physical) is not worth dying in the name of vows. But this one and the example you gave not one and the same. They are not seperated

  44. Arin

    October 9, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Jane while you are quoting Esther in the Bible, also note that the king wasn’t confused about wanting Vashti or not after her display. He took away the title queen from her immediately!! God is not an author of confusion . If he was yours he would have long divorced his wife. I know this is tough for you, you will find the strength to move on. This love matter na strong thing o. That’s why we always need to guard our hearts. So I understand how tough this is for you. You will eventually find that strength you need. I pray.

  45. mochi

    October 9, 2014 at 11:47 am

    Im sorry?????. ‘what would happen to The whole YEAR’ youve devoted??????? Ive been reading since you posted yesterday without commenting but that statement right there…….you’ve only being with him for a year and you are so sure of all this ‘tori tapa, tese torun’ love? I am so so sorry for you just a few short years down the line. People are giving you sound advice for free abi? Dont worry, youll pay very heavilyfor experience!!!!!!!

    If the marriage is truly over, at least on his side (cz if whatyou say is true, his wife still wants to be in it) let him do the right thing by formally divorcing his wife THEN he can face you and start talking marriage. Let his actions show he respects you and the vows he took.

    I agree a hundred percent you should pray about it because the heart doesnt always do the right thing but i hope you will sincerely be open to what God tells you. You’re always stronger than you think, do the right thing

  46. spoonfullofsugar

    October 9, 2014 at 11:53 am

    Truth is at the end of the day, Ugo is still gonna do what shes gonna do…advice or not. *pity*

  47. Foo Fighters

    October 9, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    Why are we wasting our time rendering advise up and down……
    Would we be saying the same thing if this man does not have MONEY????
    If he was an average man managing to raise finances for the home with no fancy trips abroad and all, do you think Ugo will have the same story.
    Greed and opportunism will make a woman pray for another woman’s marriage and home to be destroyed.
    Ugo ask yourself will I put myself through this stress if this man wasn’t rich…..You cant really lie to your self you know!
    A word is enough for the wise.

  48. oj

    October 9, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    Ugo, when i read ur story, i see ‘gold digger’. if he was a poor man, will u be there? Leave another woman’s husband alone.
    Why do i bother? At the end of the day, you’ll do what you want to do. Women! kai! Whatever u sow, u must surely reap

  49. d craig

    October 9, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    UGO in plain english, U MUST MOVE ON. I REPEAT MOVE ON. Don’t break someone’s marriage. U WILL end up in the SAME SITUATION. Law of Karma will catch up with you whether you have a firm body or not. Cut the crap and beg God for forgiveness. Dont turn yourself to bushmeat oooooo

  50. Be beaibe

    October 9, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    Ugo pls move like a mover…I met a married man who wanted to leave his wife for me..lol
    ..d funny tin is dat he really thought I bought the idea.kept bashing his wife nd her credibility. I think he thought taking me to dubai or giving me money will fool me…I left him like a disease! how will a 23 year go out wif a guy close to 40 and call it love.because he lives overseas nd has euros….

  51. Yetunde

    October 10, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Ugo, you don’t need a man to define or complete you. God your Maker has already shown how priceless you are by sending His Son Jesus to die for you. No man is worth all you are putting your self through. If the man is not man enough to save his marriage, then he isn’t the kind of man you want to spend your life with. Men are natural ‘hunters’ and will do anything to get what they want. It’s time to start being good to Ugo. Do the right thing and the right one will find you.

    @Pastor Taiwo Odukoya. Thank you so much Sir for this incisive piece. You are a blessing.

  52. Tees

    October 13, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    I feel sorry for Ugo. A married man should not be your focus. He is only using you. He won’t leave his wife even if they don’t live together. You have tighter body, she has loose body because of babies and so if he marries you, he will look for a tighter bodied lady, it’s an unending circle. Truth be told, look for your own single man as husband , don’t allow somebody’s wife place a curse on you. If you insist you will loose on every side so just step back, repent and let God direct your own husband to you.

  53. Deeolar

    October 14, 2014 at 9:05 am

    After reading all the comments and replying a few, I think the issue here is CHOICE! No matter how many pieces of advice we give her….it’s HER choice. And with every choice comes consequences. For comments like Janet’s to receive over 200 likes combined!!!!! The world has gone to the dogs. Ugo you decide. But please post a rejoinder a few years from now. Would really like to know how things panned out. Hopefully Bella Naija will still be going strong……

    FYI

    Ugo and Janet…. I had a step mum like you who used my dad to step up and enhance her life. Left my mum and kids for her. 20 years down the line they are divorced too. Now she is a single parent with 3 kids.

  54. ONYI

    October 14, 2014 at 10:16 pm

    This story happened to my friend….dis rich dude was toasting her and he didn’t have his ring bcos he was planning to divorce his wife…my friend was 28 yrs then…very buriful with tight body…u know wht happened, the dude never divorced his wife..this is 9 years later…my friend got preg nant for him and had a son….the rich guy took the boy….my friend is now 37 yrs….with nothing…no son no man….am happily married for 8 and a half years and 2 kids…not meaning to compare myself with my friend ..but that is the path she choose. Be wise dear and choose life

  55. G

    October 14, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    Ugo… oh child… yes I say… we live sometimes to learn.. obviously he is your soul mate… please tell me you haven’t slept with him… ehm coz to me this is soul tie.. and soul tie you guys seem compatible + soul mate etc.. Break it in Jesus Name…. and move on. I only hope he not taken your virginity or used u for rituals.. his wife saw you on skype….
    In voice of Wendy.. the same way you got them is the same way you will loose him… it’s not too late to do due diligence and also why hasn’t he finished his business with his family before koh! that’s a sign of an irresponsible and selfish guy. soon you will hear you r second wife….

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