Atoke’s Monday Morning Banter: School → Abracadabra →Marriage

Being raised by typical Nigerian parents means there are some basic things you’re told you have to do. No arguments. Go to school. Get good grades. Get grades so good they can boast about you to their friends. They’re not asking for too much right? It’s the least you can do in light of the fact that they’re providing for your physiological needs – food, clothing & shelter.
Other aspects of your life, particularly relationship issues, are pushed to the back burner. Boys are prepped to be strong and manly (whatever that means) and girls are prepped to be wives…and mothers.

So, Nigerian parents are then faced with the delicate situation of having to merge their desires for your academic excellence with their goals for your personal life. Now, while they’re busy encouraging you to focus on your studies, they momentarily forget that we’re no longer in the age of arranged marriages. Many Nigerian parents don’t encourage you to foster any kind of ‘special friendship’. It’s all about focusing on your school work and your achievements. When the time is ‘right’, the ‘right’ person will come along and you will be ‘rightly settled.’ But there’s the slight problem of getting YOU to THEIR goals of marital bliss. Relationships are cultivated. They don’t just HAPPEN.

Armed with your degree(s), you stroll in proudly to meet your parents and you’re hit with the talk about the next stage. “So, do you have any friend you are talking to?”

Have you ever wondered why a lot of Nigerian parents can’t say the words ‘Boyfriend/Girlfriend’? It is almost like that phase does NOT happen, should NOT happen and if it does, please don’t tell them about it.

According to my cousin, her mother said that she wasn’t allowed to bring any man home to visit unless he had indicated an interest in marrying her. And as such, all her ‘relationships’ were shrouded in secrecy. There was nothing like visits to the house as she didn’t want to have to explain to her mother what type of ‘friend’ the guy was.

A friend of mine told me that his mother was averse to seeing girls around the house because she imagined that he was merely sleeping with the girls and she wasn’t one to encourage fornication.  One Sin to Rule All Sins. I always believed that home visits are good and should be encouraged, especially because it encourages transparency.

Talking about this topic with some friends, we agreed that it was something to do with the generation our parents grew up in. Having friends of the opposite sex meant one thing and one thing only – you were surely knocking boots. “Our parents don’t expect us to date. They expect us to ‘Court’ and then get married”

“It really gets awkward when my Mom tries to talk to me about relationships. I have told her to just stop. So weird. And then she uses funny words like ‘befriend’.”

Nigerian parents OWN the awkward conversations space. {Click here to read about how parents give their children the Sex Ed talk}. Please share some of your experiences with us. Did you have awkward relationship conversations with your parents? Or were your parents ‘cool’ and saying ‘My girlfriend’ was not a huge ordeal.

Have a beautiful week ahead. Spread love & happiness every chance you get.

Peace, love & fruit smoothies!

Toodles!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Monkey Business Images