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Chiugo Akaolisa: The Marriage Achievement

Chiugo Akaolisa

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Marriage is NOT a real achievement. Keep an open mind as I tell you why.

I have nothing against marriage as I am heading towards it myself but I have a problem with what it has been reduced, actually magnified to.

Marriage is a commitment, a chapter, a union, a desire to start a family, an affirmation of love, a level of responsibility. I tell you, it is everything you can think of… but an achievement worth bragging about.

You cannot use a marriage certificate to get a job, buy a house, run for a political post, effect global change and realize your dreams. Marriage can aid you, especially if your partner is comfortable enough to support your dreams, but it is not a major determinant in becoming all that you aspire to be.

Our culture has led us to believe that once a woman finds a husband and pops out a few kids, majority of her expectations in life would have been achieved. Somehow, a woman becomes incomplete or flawed if she decides to delay marriage or skip it all together. By the age of 30, she becomes a bitter spinster, or a feminist, or an Aristo, or defective because she cannot find a man. Older single men are then labelled as irresponsible or promiscuous.

It is painful to hear those self-righteous married counterparts, parents and men/women who were turned down deriding, insulting or attributing every short coming of a single man/woman to their unattached status. Judgment is also passed to the married women who have decided to become more than a ring. The hurt single ones then spend the time meant for achieving beneficial goals, in a church/mosque crying to God for neglecting them.

In truth, we are mostly carried away by the wedding process and the status of “married”, that we sometimes forget the effort necessary to make the marriage work. The only achievement I will accept, is when you can keep a stable and loving home front after many years.

There are people who have a real potential of achieving great things, but give it all up for marital stability and mommy jeans. Our hopes and aspirations should not suffer be stifled when we put on that ring. As long as you dream it, fight for it. If you do not dream it, be nice to those who do. I respect mothers who have decided to stay home and give proper care to children the same way I respect single women who don’t want any of that. It is not in our place to judge.

I do believe that everyone has been given a talent in addition to whatever level of education received. It is left for us to achieve something memorable with either or both privileges. Marriage should not deter that. When it is time to settle down, do so, put in the necessary commitment and then try and advance yourself. The book of Genesis did say that we should be fruitful, fill the earth and CONQUER it.

Our talents are the gift that God gives to us… What we make of our talents is our gift back to God― Leo Buscaglia.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Rocketclips, Inc.

Chiugo Veronica Akaolisa is a graduate from the University of Alberta, Canada. She is a God-lover and a recluse. Her every spare time is spent writing and developing her business. She is an entrepreneur and a budding novelist. Her true passion is Poetry and Relationship Tips. She has a minor in Psychology.Twitter: Verachi | Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/cakaolisa | Instagram: missverachi |

41 Comments

  1. GlazedDonut

    February 12, 2015 at 8:22 pm

    Chiugo this is cute, I bet you’re in your mid-20s, feeling smart and empowered.

    I was exactly the same way, but now I’m 33, single, great job. And I can’t help but laugh and smirk at this article.

    There’s a reason why Marriage has lasted this long, you can’t reinvent the wheel. Before you there was marriage, after you there will still be marriage. Whether you chose to participate or not is your business.

    But don’t think you discovered something new.

    • Rahama

      February 12, 2015 at 8:50 pm

      You sound bitter. Are you married? If yes is it a happy one?

    • GlazedDonut

      February 12, 2015 at 9:11 pm

      If you read my comment, you’ll see it says 33 yrs old and single.

      Please read before you comment.

      I’m not bitter, I just realized how silly I was thinking that I was smarter than to be married. Thinking I was smarter than my parents and society as a whole.

    • Joan85

      February 12, 2015 at 9:26 pm

      Wow! It will get better, okay? *hugs*

    • I-DEE

      February 12, 2015 at 9:57 pm

      Glazed…. You sound like you regret something. The writer isn’t trying to be smart or act like Columbus the Explore. It is O.K to discuss about marriage from a different view besides what your pastor narrates to you. Marriage shouldn’t be a do or die affair. There are many unhappy married couples as well as unhappy single people. Make sure you think your decisions to get married or stay single through because it is your life. We will not all have the same journey- you can be crippled & end up being a success story or nuisance. You can be a high school dropout & become one of the wealthiest people in the world or struggle to make ends meet for a very long time. Do what makes you happy because everybody’s story will never be the same. Even if you had a twin, you are still individuals with different goals. Paul in the Bible wasn’t married and that was his decision.

      Marriage isn’t the beginning & end of your life. There are too many hopeless people all ib the name of marriage. Chill the phuck out & enjoy your life rather than worry about being single or not.

    • VeryAngryNigerian

      February 12, 2015 at 10:00 pm

      Nah all you need is some good old loving, faithful , independent partner, lots of money, good health, ‘mini-mes’, and strong mandingo; not a box of chocolates dressed up in attractive packaging called marriage. After that, all your life problems still won’t be solved, but you will tame those hormones and society will stop diagnosing you with suffering from emission of bitter chromosomes….. it goes on.

    • NaijaPikin

      February 12, 2015 at 11:21 pm

      Did you miss the part where she said she’s on her way to getting married? The article is not about bashing marriage, it is simply stating it is not the end all, be all.

      You are miserable at 33 because you are not living life. You are letting life pass through you until a man pities you and scoops you up. Be careful, you might attract the wrong kind of man.

      I know a 38 year old babe that is single, she’s at the peak of her career in a male dominated field, banging body (model things), fine babe, chief rocker(she can like to catch major trips), ajala traveller, and NOT interested in getting married. Is her life less fulfilled than the next? NO. She is living her dream.

      Remember marriage is just a PART of life for SOME people. It is not ALL of life for ALL people.

    • Mamasita

      February 13, 2015 at 12:18 am

      Glazed puff puff or whatever it’s either you can’t read, are daft or something…..gosh how on earth is she trying to reinvent the wheel? Has she said marriage is bad in anyway? Your type just read articles and see them through the eyes of your personal struggles and frustrations without understanding the writer……guess what, am 44, been married 10 years, love my hubby and 2 daughters totally but I have never lived my life like marriage is the end all be all…..there is more to me and more that God has put in me to allow my marriage certificate define…….society should stop putting pressure on people who are yet to marry like they have a terminal disease…a reason why a lot of people especially ladies see marriage like it must happen for them by fire by force….guess what my tots right now are more centered on how i can add more value to humanity(my family inclusive) before I go six feet under…..don’t even know where my marriage certificate is at the moment sef for crying out loud………oh in case u missed, she said she is on her way to getting married…….phew

    • BubbleBum

      February 14, 2015 at 3:45 am

      Lmao!! O ni glazed puff puff

    • cindy

      February 13, 2015 at 4:56 am

      calm down…..the op only said marriage is not an achievement like some people try to rub it in your face

    • Loveaddict

      February 13, 2015 at 9:19 am

      @glazeddonut you are single because you have the wrong attitude about marriage. If you are desperate for a man to relieve you of your single status, men can smell it from a mile away. Some are happy being single and you need to find happiness too. Please do not insult anyone for being smart and empowered or having an opinion abeg
      Me i must marry oh!!! I love being in love but i must achieve my goals too

    • Elizabeth

      February 16, 2015 at 1:10 am

      Why are you laughing and smirking? Did you read the article at all? As in the same one we all read? Who is talking about reinventing the wheel and feeling empowered and what-not? So what if you are 33 and single? If you were 33 and married but without children then what next? And what’s “cute” about her point of view?
      And you’re talking about “you’re not bitter”. Please park and reassess yourself. Read your comment out loud to yourself and hear how you sound. Some people who have made quite a difference and a good name in this world weren’t married eg Paul in the Bible, Johnny Applesee, Oprah etc. You need to chill. And stop smirking and all that nonsense.

  2. VeryAngryNigerian

    February 12, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    Marriage is a scam.

  3. Sisi

    February 12, 2015 at 9:08 pm

    PREACH!!

  4. collins

    February 12, 2015 at 9:24 pm

    This very nice Chiugo Akaolisa…..very smart girl…smartness is what i know you all for starting from somto to the last…..nice one Ada

  5. B

    February 12, 2015 at 9:34 pm

    Wishy washy write-up.

  6. bruno

    February 12, 2015 at 9:37 pm

    bellanaija has become a breeding ground for single angry bitter women to come and console themselves. lol

    many of you ladies are going to marry yourselves and you will eat that wedding cake alone.

    • cindy

      February 13, 2015 at 4:57 am

      bruno when will you stop being a fool?

    • bruno

      February 13, 2015 at 7:55 am

      @cindy.

      maybe if you changed your nasty behaviour, yoy can find a good man to wife you. if you like keep blaming the world and god for being single and don’t work on yourself and your terrible behaviour.

      Enjoy you single angry bitter life, your clock is ticking.

  7. next

    February 12, 2015 at 9:42 pm

    Wishy washy indeed…

  8. Iris

    February 12, 2015 at 10:14 pm

    I don’t know…I suppose marriage in itself is not an achievement but I think for some people – myself included – finding a lifelong partner who loves you in spite of (and if you’re really lucky, because of ) your quirks and flaws is an achievement. If you decide to build a family, and you help your children into good, inspiring, lovable people, that is also an achievement. Your career and power and global or local influence is definitely something, but I’m at a point where I’m really thinking about my life and the kind of people I’d want around me at the end of my life. Marriage is not for everybody and it doesn’t define you, and it is definitely not a trophy to use as if single people carried last, but I believe it depends on your perspective and what makes you happy. You can’t generalize.

  9. Olly

    February 12, 2015 at 10:18 pm

    in conclusion, are you for or against marriage?

    • MC

      February 13, 2015 at 11:06 am

      Well she is getting married, so I doubt she is against it….

  10. blah blah

    February 12, 2015 at 10:23 pm

    If you can sit down with your spouse and honestly both agree you have a great marriage, give yourselves a pat on the back. It is an avhievement. Becoming a Mrs is like enrolling in uni. No biggie. But having a great marriage is a huge success. It’s not common. That’s what we should strive for and celebrate.

  11. Scatterific

    February 12, 2015 at 10:35 pm

    if una like, make una talk from now till tomorrow…i tell you HO HA!..when you cross that wonderful age of 30.Your mentality changes…You will not panic immediately..the real panic starts when you start calling all your girlfriends and instead of ” yo yo yo lets go out”….instead you hear squeals of kids playing in the background, when that happens…your inner mind will bellow out to you “Sebi i told you”

    • fourfiveseconds

      February 13, 2015 at 12:34 am

      Huuumm, I understand your point but not all women want to get married though.

    • cindy

      February 13, 2015 at 4:59 am

      mtchew…………..I’m not even of marriageable age yet but comments like yours disgust me. People should kill themselves because they cannot get married abi? or they should marry themselves?

    • Truth Teller

      February 13, 2015 at 7:50 am

      @Scatterific, I am 31, not married YET, not against marriage as I am planning one myself, ( marriage is too beautiful to be engaged into anyhow, it’s God’s plan though not compulsory for us to be married, but the right way and there’s no age limit to that. A lot of people have the desire to be married early in life but what happens if they don’t get the right partner before then? They should kill themselves abi?), doing well and helping lots of displaced and homeless people, paying school fees, clothing people, putting food on people’s tables, and NO, my mentality hasn’t changed. I have a clear understanding that society will not dictate to me how I should live my life . You and the likes of Bruno lack simple comprehension. The writer is NOT against marriage. The message she’s passing across is simple. There’s more to marriage than just a status, it’s people like you that make people settle for any trash only to get divorced or even killed in the name of marriage. If that’s the case, people like the well loved and well respected Mother Theresa failed because she was not married. What about nuns and priests? Have they failed too? Oya talk now.

    • Tosin

      February 13, 2015 at 9:43 am

      Not really.
      I’m over thirty.
      I remember a season in which “my body was desperate to get me pregnant” lol hormones are funny, but it was short.
      Now the only reason I’m considering this marriage thing is my father who seems to really really want it. If you see me doing that joint, that’ll probably be why. On my own I could marry for money, … otherwise, there’s no sensible reason to go signing cheesy contracts.
      Otherwise, uh uh. Nope. Not interested. Even in a lovely guy. Let alone a half-ass guy. Or the role. Or the children. I love everybody. I don’t want one husband. I (aspire to) love all children. I don’t need my own separate princes/princesses. If I love somebody or like them or care for them, I just do, I just love them, why force permanence on it?

  12. Jay

    February 13, 2015 at 1:47 am

    Chiugo, from my heart to yours, thank you very much for this article. Walking down the aisle is really more of a milestone which should be desired but not necessarily an achievement, been married 10 years with 3 kids and more than ever I have great passion to fulfill my dreams.

  13. hawttalkwithtosan.blogspot.ca

    February 13, 2015 at 6:43 am

    Marriage is not an achievement. Building a stable life, weathering all the storms and dealing with challenges with dignity and grace is the achievement.

  14. Lacey

    February 13, 2015 at 7:51 am

    I am going to be 39 this year later in the year! Men ! I am happily single and enjoying every bit of it, I had to relocate from Nigeria because of aunties ,uncles, sister ,brothers and most of all my mother stressing me out, my mother so hassled me that almost entered one chance relationship out of desperation to please my mother because of her stress!
    I had to relocate to the US,where I am happily having a ball in furthering my dreams,funny enough I look 29 and I have cone to realise, finding happiness is deeper than just getting a ring on your finger,is about discovering who you are in Christ and loving yourself first.
    I have great nieces and nephews,even grand nieces and nephews! To continue in my happiness, I dare not visit Nigeria, I do not even call my mother anymore as every time I call she will say, I don’t want her to carry my kids before she is called to glory, I know she will live long to carry her my children but the clock is with God and not with me, so when I see young ladies killing themselves because of marriage I am shocked,at 33 you are already acting as if you are 83, I have had marriage proposals, but I do not want to end up like Whitney, At least OPrah is balling! Live your life to the fullest, I do not wear heavy make like girls in the mid- twenties this days who mask up and my toasters are between 29-45old men, as I am hot!

  15. i dont blame you

    February 13, 2015 at 11:51 am

    I don’t blame you chiugo, i blame BN always featuring you.

    To be candid with you, all your write ups i read are so childish.

    There is every tendency for every youth to always think he/she is smart, know more than their parents/elders, have a better view of life, e.t.c but “till you find yourself in a shoe, NEVER, EVER describe how it feels to be in that shoe”

    Take that from me girl, “TILL YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A SHOE, NEVER EVER DESCRIBE OR THINK YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE IN THAT SHOE”

    Keep aspiring, nice try though

    • ada nnewi

      February 13, 2015 at 12:51 pm

      Why are you so disillusioned and bitter?

  16. Yori B

    February 13, 2015 at 2:02 pm

    Team 48 this year and happily single, celibate and rich. Never been married and no children either.
    There is no shortage of men chasing my skirt both young and old – I come without excess baggage and a girl’s waistline.
    Let no one tell you that you will regret not being married, having children blah blah blah. We will all most likely be in the same old persons home and I may have more visitors than those with children.
    I love my life and I am a realist.

    • Munachimso

      February 13, 2015 at 2:58 pm

      Can u be my second mummy? Pweasee

    • Tina Turnup

      February 13, 2015 at 4:42 pm

      Some of these Mrs…. are sad. Their husbands love their social life/clubs/beer parlours & mistresses thighs more than them. They cant stand younger single women enjoying their lives & they have become nothing more than roommates to their husbands. Only in Nigeria have I seen a married man wearing his wedding ring asking a woman for relationship. No shame! No respect! yet, desperation & mumurism will make women marry dogs & expect marriage to change that behaviour. Lolll. Women, make sure you keep it real with yourself before committing to any decision. Don’t allow society or loved ones decide your fate.

    • Tosin

      February 14, 2015 at 6:47 pm

      Thank you, and thank @justme, and thank others for “coming out”
      I hope you know that it means a lot to me.

  17. temitops

    February 13, 2015 at 9:02 pm

    I quite agree with d writer! Getting married now seems like a trophy dat everyone wants to win by force by fire. The most important factor based on my experience is to be happily married n definitely marrying ur best friend. My hubby n I are like 2 world’s apart, he prefers d company of his friends at d club while he expects me to just seat @ home, almost every discussion leads to argument,truth is.. I don’t even enjoy his company anymore,
    No surprise dates, pdas n all @ just 5yrs of marriage? I’ve been tempted severally to cheaton him bur my church mind will not allow me.
    Wish I married my best frend den, but he was from Anoda tribe n my dad kicked against him, stl wish I had stood my ground…

  18. justme

    February 14, 2015 at 10:25 am

    I am 42 years old single but not so happy not
    Bc am single but BC everyone around me won’t let me rest Bc am not married. Phew, am so tired of it am a lawyer doing OK .I never tot of getting married until I hit 30 then the numerous questions of so wen we will we come and eat rice started. Due to much pressure I went into a couple of relationships which left a very bitter taste in my mouth. After the terrible experiences some if my family members chilled on the u must marry talk others just keep insisting I will findTHE ONE.

    I am an active member of a church and known by most of my church members.These people will not let me rest moist days all I hear is your own is coming,this is your year,the lord will do it.Don’t get me started on wat I hear wen there is a wedding in church.some women work up to me and say enough is enough u must marry this year.Lol I just repeat the strongly required amen and walk away.Recently
    I was to travel I went to my pastors wife to pray with me and all she said was I will find my husband.omo I tire.I laugh at it most of the time but sometimes the pressure gets too much.Now am thinking of relocating just so I can live happily in peace.I havnt given up on marriage but I don’t want to settle for less than I deserve BC divorce can be harrowing as ave seen in my practice and from experiences of close friends.

  19. demashi

    February 14, 2015 at 9:37 pm

    “Marriage is Honourable in all….”- Hebrew 14:3, it’s an honour to be married & while I don’t belittle all you above-30 single folks living the life and having a ball, I’d gladly choose getting married over any of these ephemeral achievements.

    You can choose to remain single but don’t cast aspersions on those desirous of happy, healthy marriages even if it sometimes smacks of desperation.

    I have been married for a decade and I may not yet forty. I used to feel I lost out on my relatively freedom by getting married early but I and my wife look back and are grateful we took the plunge.

    To be married is an honour which you single folks should aspire for!

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