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Ugochi V. Ukah: He Is Not Netflix

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I know there are a lot of articles that review all the wrong things that men can possibly do and some other articles advising guys on how to improve themselves in a relationship. So I thought that I would share a personal story that might be useful to women this time around.

A while ago, I met a guy who seemed like an amazing dude; good looking, good manners, good education, hardworking etc. He practically ticked all the items on my ‘list’ but there was only one hiccup – he barely picked his phone calls. Regardless of how many times I told him to hold his phone or take it off silent mode, it was very difficult for me to get through to him. Therefore, the only times that we could speak were the times he called by himself. The few times, I spoke to him about this attitude, he apologized and promised to change. However, he did not change his behaviour despite his promises, and after multiple recurrent episodes, it did not take long for me to conclude that he was not seriously interested in me.

I shared my concern with a dear friend of mine and her husband, expecting some form of consolation, but instead her husband made a remark “Well, he’s not Netflix.”
“Huh? What do you mean?” I asked, confused.
“He’s not Netflix so he can’t always be available to you on demand.”

While I find the statement quite amusing now, I did not necessarily agree with it at that particular moment because I felt that someone who is truly interested in another person should make some time to be ‘on demand’. But after doing some thinking, those words started to have deeper meanings. The point that my friend’s husband was trying to make was that people have other things in life to do; so when they do not pick up, it does not always mean that they do not care about you. He also made some key points about how people are different so while it might be okay for you to always hold your phone, looking at it and expecting a call, your guy might not like to use phones as often. Lastly, he suggested that I got busy, because if I were, then I would not have time to be angry with someone else who is busy or claims to be busy. In other words, face ya work.

While these words seemed a bit harsh, he was just trying to make me realize that one man or woman’s way of life is different from another and sadly, that is the reality we face daily. The only problem is that in many relationships, we expect our partners to be like Netflix, DSTV or whatever, forgetting that people actually have their own lives; besides such services do not come free. Sometimes, we ladies are so engrossed in making lists of what we want in a man such that we forget that nobody is perfect and that when some attributes are present in a person, there is a high chance that another desired attribute on the same list will be deficient in that person. For instance, a very hardworking guy might pay you less attention because he is always at the office or a very frugal man may be stingy because well, he’s frugal!

The same goes for the men, a god-fearing lady might refuse to kiss him or a lady with strong family values might refuse to spend the weekend at his place. So either way, as you are getting one positive characteristic, you are potentially losing another that may still be of interest to you. It is left for you to prioritize and decide on which ones are most important to you or maybe try finding someone new that may have both. For me, success and hard work are important attributes and among the top things on my list but frequent phone calls from a potential or an already-made boyfriend/partner are just as important because communication is necessary.

I had never been in such a situation before. Most times in the past, the decisions were much easier because the guy would already lack half of the items on my list. So if I did not think that he was paying me as much attention as I wanted, I would not see the point of keeping him anyway. But this case was unique and so I decided to consider my friend’s husband’s advice and not be in a hurry to throw this dude away. Therefore, I sat down to do some self-evaluation. I realised that majority of the times I was upset with Mr. Busy, the reason was not because he had not called me but rather, because he had not picked up when I called him. I also had a fault whereby if I saw a missed call or wanted to talk to someone, I would call multiple times and with each unpicked call, I would get even more frustrated. So instead of feeling frustrated and whining all the time, I found a solution. You know what they say, “If you don’t like where you are, move. You are not a tree.” My solution was a simple one; I deleted his phone number!

No, it’s not what you’re thinking; we are not quarreling o! And no, I do not have any back up number, neither did I cram his number nor do I contact him via any social media. I just got rid of his number so that I would prevent myself from dialling and so I would be less upset with him. However, I still pick his calls and of course, since I know his voice, I can tell that he’s the one within seconds of talking to him and so he would never have to find out that I don’t have his number. After every call from him, I clear the call log so that I cannot dial back (smart, aye?). Since then, things have been working fine between us (or at least for me). I am less grumpy like before because he cannot miss a call from me and we have our usual delightful conversations without me complaining, so he cannot describe me as ‘cray cray’ (which I have heard some guys use to describe many girls). More importantly, I focus more on my work now and I have come to realize that I barely look at my phone these days because I am not trying to get hold of him. So the advice I was given is actually true! Therefore, it is not surprising that now I miss some of his calls although not on purpose; so now the caller has become the ‘call-ee’.

In conclusion, while there is nothing wrong with having high expectations, ladies, please stop trying to force a guy to fit them all. If he does not already suit your needs, change them or change the guy. In my case, my needs have changed and even though I am still ‘friends’ with Mr. Busy, whenever I see a missed call from him, I still clear the call log without dialling back and then say to myself “Well, I’m not Netflix…he will call back if he really wants to talk.”

Photo Credit: Dreamstime 

Ugochi V Ukah is a student and loves writing in her spare time; using sarcasm, humour and wit to relay her thoughts. Visit her blog for more stories at: www.ugochivukah.blogspot.com and follow her on twitter @vivio_gogo and IG: @ugochiukah

27 Comments

  1. Seyi

    November 26, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Bla bla bla bla bla blaa *yawn*

    • Daniel

      November 26, 2015 at 4:03 pm

      Now that’s rude. You really didn’t need to leave a comment if you didn’t find the topic interesting.

    • Diuto

      November 27, 2015 at 12:06 pm

      Assuming you guys are dating and there’s an emergency so he won’t be available. Ok kontinu!

  2. really?

    November 26, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    ”….that might be useful to women this time around”??!!

    That line – right there – just made me shut down.

    • Ifelolu

      November 26, 2015 at 4:47 pm

      @Really? Same here! Shut down too. Although I managed to read it to the end with the hope that there’ll be something different, but there wasn’t. No lesson learnt, no nothing. Same ol’ same ol’. Just reads like the diary of someone complaining about nothing in particular

  3. Jelly_Jes

    November 26, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    Hmmm…….Netflix? well my younger sis married a man who had this modus operandi you described in this article, guess what? they were only married for 3months (quarreled bitterly through those months) and have now been separated for 1 year and counting (no plans nor room for reconciliation cos our inlaw is not Netflix 🙁
    Truth is he may not be Netflix or whatever, but if someone digs you, he or she will be available….. this is not to say one should be a monitoring spirit oh but at least “attention breeds affection” – my 2kobo.

  4. dolz

    November 26, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    well, true as that may be, he might be married and trying to avoid you calling at wrong times, so baby *SHINE YOUR EYES WELL*

  5. larz

    November 26, 2015 at 3:33 pm

    So are you dating this guy or are you guys still playing call and delete? Are you getting what you want from this?

    I agree people should be careful not to ruin a potentially good relationship because of our unrealistic expectations.

  6. eyejee

    November 26, 2015 at 4:25 pm

    The same situation I am in. Only difference is I fell in love with him
    Now I go around in tears trying to fall out of love with him.

    • Anon

      November 26, 2015 at 7:38 pm

      Y’all remember my new boyfriend? Ok maybe you don’t sha.
      He is not Netflix too.
      It got to a point I began to feel like I was the one doing all the chasing, always calling, always sending the first whatspp chat, etc etc. He only called me for a meet-up when it was convenient for him. Coupled with the fact that he wouldn’t keep his hands to himself, always trying to get us to have sex (btw, I’m so proud to announce that I kept my legs CLOSED) while talking about marriage. Then it got to a point he was not even talking about marriage anymore, no longer told me he loves or misses me. He could not even get me a birthday gift (he said he does not like gifting material things, I told him that even if it is handkerchief, I will accept. Before y’all come for me, I gifted him an expensive bottle of perfume on his birthday and we were not even dating then).
      It got to a point where our phone calls dare not pass the 3 minute mark. Infact, I almost went hysterical, monitoring him on whatsapp, twitter, etc. If not for my brother who tries to calm me down when I complain to him. I even did the chat and delete thing so I would stop and I unfollwed him on twitter too.
      One day I just told myself, Anon, you know what, lets try and see if you will die if you don’t reach out to this guy in a day.
      Well, it’s been almost 2 weeks, i have not heard from him As in, he is not even bothered that I may be ill or had an accident or something.
      Well I am still alive o, and it’s obvious that the relationship is over, cos me I need my man to be semi-netflix at the very least.
      So now I have started dangerous prayer “Lord. let him not even see me if he is not You will for me.” I don’t have time for emotional investments that have zero yield.

  7. HerExcellence

    November 26, 2015 at 4:48 pm

    …biko when a man is intent on keeping a lady, he is on her case like white on rice! personally i think a guy who really cares and wants to be with u will call often and also pick up to talk to u…no mata ow busy he is. @OP… d guy in question hasnt set his priorities or u my dear is moving ahead of an already established friendship he has no intention of taking to d next level.

  8. Tosin

    November 26, 2015 at 4:56 pm

    I’m not Netflix. It’s not personal. Fun read.

  9. Sandii Love

    November 26, 2015 at 5:11 pm

    Lmbo! I thought this article was going to go a whole other direction. My mother just yabbed me for watching too much Netflix and for me to log off and face my man. I thought this was gonna be about giving your man attention and cutting down the “all eyes and hands glued to the screen” relationship with gadgets.

    Anyway, sister sorry but this your call and delete method doesn’t sit right with me. So you don’t ever call him?! He’s the only one doing the calling and in the drivers seat. E be ba say ba you be the passenger for back squeezed in between the two fat people(his work and waters else) You are uncomfortable and irritated but staying put and being polite and grateful for the ride. Well… Err this your tactic get k leg because I feel the way you start is the way you see it through. Tomorrow if yall get married and have kids don’t expect him to answer calls(emergency or otherwise) concerning the home front of the kids when he’s away or at work because you should Err understand that he’s busy?✌️ Good luck sistah gurl! Ladies we deserve all the space in the front seats with the cool leather seats and AC Blowing well?

  10. Open Sesame

    November 26, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    …and the conclusion of this matter is ~ He’s just not that into you.

    Wonder if that’s still on Netflix ?

    • Tosin

      November 26, 2015 at 11:20 pm

      your conclusion is sorta correct, it’s safe at least, but not always true.
      sometimes you’re actually busy, or you’re not a phone person.
      if the other person likes it, cool, otherwise, sorry. there is no compulsion in religion lol.

  11. Hian

    November 26, 2015 at 6:18 pm

    Nice way of saying he is not into you. A person who wants you will try their best to be available to you. Some of us want 30 calls perday and that might work for some and not for others but a man you can’t get a hold of?? Honey, he is not netflix and he is not into you. He is making himself available to something or someone.

  12. Tt

    November 26, 2015 at 6:47 pm

    “if I saw a missed call or wanted to talk to someone, I would call multiple times”

    I soooo cannot stand people who call my phone more than twice max. Why on earth would someone keep on calling the same number. It infuriates me to no end. If it is urgent, then drop an sms rather than running my phone battery down.

  13. tega

    November 26, 2015 at 11:02 pm

    yes oooo..he;s just not that into you……@op..try watch d movie by Ben Affleck Jennifer Aniston, Bradley Cooper, Scarlett Johansson……it shud still be on netflix

  14. ElessarisEllendil

    November 27, 2015 at 12:58 am

    Well played Ms Ukah, I see what you did here.

    Basically when Bros Netflix reads this, he’ll be forced to make his intentions clear. Don’t know how he’ll take you deleting his number. But best of luck to you two.

    “After every call from him, I clear the call log so that I cannot dial back (smart, aye?).” LOL! it was very smart until he read(s) this article.

    You guys should just have texted like everybody else.

    BTW because Instagram stalking is easy, you’ve got a funny nose??

    • ElessarisEllendil

      November 27, 2015 at 12:59 am

      funny nose but pretty nonetheless. Insomnia induced brain cramp.?

  15. Chi-e-z

    November 27, 2015 at 4:24 am

    Kinda have this thing where I get really into someone I call all the time get super excited and clingy then if I feel they show any sign of getting annoyed or ignoring me I just stop calling and everything just stop. Talk about confusing poor guy. Is usually not that I’m not into him but more just super cautious not to get too attached to someone not as into me as I am them. I just keep busy answers everything.

  16. december

    November 27, 2015 at 8:13 am

    Well don’t be so interested in the guy yet until he shows he’s very interested in you. To me dating is usually the “sweetest” point of a relationship by the time you get married you might just settle into a rhythm. If he’s not keen on picking calls now, how often does he call you. To me attention is also so impt. When I was still dating, a very very soft spoken man I wnt out with and liked so much I told my aunt I would marry him if he asks me to. But I found out he was holding out. Not always asking me out on dates and not always available call wise then I found out he was in a serious r|ship and he just had a misunderstanding with his gf then that’s why he had time a little for me. So be careful girl( though I know this ur write up may not be ur personal story) & be sure of things. All in all pls its better for the guy to love and pursue you oh than the other way round. Life is sweeter that way.

  17. Busola

    November 27, 2015 at 10:44 am

    Your boyfriend sounds so much like my ex. Suffice to say the relationship died because of this terrible attitude. Dear poster, start the way you want to finish. I am not saying there are guaranteees in love, but you should be with someone who will give you peace. All these emotional expensive relationships that y’all have signed up for can lead to untimely death. Me, I already have anxiety problems… I can’t add an emotionally cold person into the mix. N.B: You really want to marry someone who is totally into you not the other way round.

  18. NetFlix

    November 27, 2015 at 1:16 pm

    A good friend introduced me to this guy months back. The idea was for a serious relationship leading to marriage. She gave my contact details to the guy and vice versa. He called and we talked for like 10 mins. I instantly got the feeling that he was serious, focused, and interesting.
    The next day, he neither called nor chatted me up on BBM. And the days after that. I never called him but I would drop occasional ‘Hi’ and ‘Sup’ on BBM. He would reply and we chat briefly. then go off. I noticed I was the one initiating the chats so I stopped. I did not delete him though because my friend practically swears by him.
    I chatted him up one day after a long spell and he was going on and on about how I forgot him, how his job is so busy day and night, how I haven’t checked on him…..
    Summary is I will not delete his number cos he is basically good people but he has been ‘acquaintance zoned” and forgotten, no time abeg.

  19. Uzo

    December 2, 2015 at 9:51 pm

    Thank you for this article. Thank you.

  20. Uzeeflyness

    December 4, 2015 at 11:03 am

    Madam u are always meeting guys?? Ugo Ugo face ya work mbok

  21. elsa

    December 8, 2015 at 8:41 am

    and so you deleted his number to keep yourself from calling him frequently cos you do not want to be called ‘cray cray’,… erm… I’m sorry, but that kinda sounds ‘cray cray’ to me…

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