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William Ifeanyi Moore: Going Public – Too Early or Too Late?

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French philosopher Jean-Paul Satre amongst many other ideas is notable for postulating how our minds react to awareness of conscious observation. In simpler terms, he wrote a book about how we automatically think differently when we are aware someone is watching. As regards to relationship, it seems the battle remains somewhere between the extreme case of showing off our partner till it’s just annoying to the rest of the world, and keeping it all a secret until we have set a date or at least a ring is involved.

Whether we like it or not, the more people know about our relationship, the higher pressure of expectation we feel on our shoulders to make sure it works out. You would be surprised just how much of the mind is occupied with not just what others think of us, but a strange need to cater to the ideas of people that don’t necessarily contribute more than Instagram likes to our lives. So with this in mind, when it is okay to go public with bae?

We all know that one person that has a new boo every three months. You know that person you secretly wish had enough common sense to allow the relationship run for some time before they start referring to the partner as another half or whatever term of endearment they choose to use. We watch these people secretly hedging bets in our mind for how long this one would last. Beyond social media public, there is also friends and family public. Unfortunately, the requirement to meet family members and mingle with friends has found its way to one of the ‘signs that he/she is into you’. In fact, for some people will end up even more afraid to breakup because they dread the judgment from the partner’s friends and family.

In my opinion, the push for meeting friends and family is best left to be situational, or till your partner suggest that they are ready. And oh, lest I forget, the most dreaded of all, territorial posting. Ladies and gentlemen, I am usually an advocate for different strokes for different folks, but on this matter, I will like to declare one stroke for all folk. DO NOT…I repeat…DO NOT! Do not go and make any kind of comments that will suggest some kind of relationship on your partner’s social media page, not unless you guys are already public with the relationship. I know guys that have been forced into setting their accounts on private and blocking girls over this invasion of privacy. Ladies, I don’t know if men have that territorial habit of leaving marks on social media feed. Might as well pee on me while you’re at it…just to show whose territory we are in.

Exposing our relationship to others not only puts our partner in a position of pressure; it also puts us under pressure because no one wants to talk fondly about a man/woman and then end up a week later like ‘false alarm, frog masquerading as prince’ or for guys, ‘never mind, the shoe didn’t fit this Cinderella.’ Perhaps the speed at which we decide to make our dating lives the business of others is something we need to consider a bit more closely before grabbing the selfie stick and hunting for likes.

P.S Do you have a story of public offering you weren’t too ready for with friends, family, or social media? Please join the conversation on the comment section.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Rocketclips, Inc.

William Ifeanyi Moore is an MPharm graduate from the University of Portsmouth, UK. His true passion is in novels and poetry but he cheats on them with movies, plays, and music. He believes sacrifice and compromise is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. His debut novel Lonely Roads is out on 10/12/2015. Blog: www.soulsyrup.space Twitter: @willifmoore Instagram: willifmoore

31 Comments

  1. Cindy

    November 17, 2015 at 9:59 pm

    Err……I can post pics o but no tags. Good luck in trying to figure out if he is my friend, cousin, friend’s friend, friend’s bae or my bae. I won’t claim you on social media if you don’t claim me first. In fact, until wedding date is fixed, no one knows nothing on facebook. Snapchat insiders may know one or two things sha. As for family, they’ll probably be the last to know. Mom does not believe in dating. Her own is two way street: straight to courtship, then marriage. Aboro ni ka introduce bobo, ki won ti ma bi ni jamb question when he has not even proposed yet.
    In other news, @willy is that you with those dogs? I know we have not been the best of friends on BN but daaammmmn you so hot. Pls tell me you are not married. Pls if you are, just stay in exile like Dr Craig and don’t come back?

    • William Moore

      November 18, 2015 at 6:27 am

      Cindy’m anyone that takes time to read my post is already a bestie on BN, even the people I fought with in my more sensitive beginnings writing for BN 🙂 I do wonder if BN offers some kind of party where the site’s community can come and meet up. That would be awesome. And yes, it is me in the pic but the dogs are my friend’s 🙁 my dog passed a few years now 🙁

      P.S I’m only a 26, marriage can wait. Abi they say it’s for life.

  2. MOIMOI

    November 17, 2015 at 10:25 pm

    TOOOOOOOOOOOO ON POINT I LOVE THIS POST…….

    • William Moore

      November 18, 2015 at 6:28 am

      Thanks for reading 🙂 I love that you love it!

  3. Rue

    November 17, 2015 at 10:26 pm

    ALL I wanna know is are you single? Let’s hook up na. I’m a s3xy light skin cutie like you. Watchu say?

    • William Moore

      November 18, 2015 at 6:31 am

      You flatter me too much *covers blush face*

    • memebaby

      November 19, 2015 at 5:17 am

      drink water babe haha

  4. elle

    November 18, 2015 at 1:04 am

    I thank God I am private and didn’t make my previous relationship public on social media. He wanted to make us public by month 2 but I was still learning about him and wasn’t ready to make that step. However, we met each others’ friends and I met his colleagues and cousins. My friends didn’t give me a hard time.

    I cringe, though, that I did tell a very close girlfriend who was all about marriage. She is older than me and has been dating her guy for 2 years anxiously waiting for engagement and marriage. One day she called me and it happened to be the ex’s birthday. I passed the phone to him and I could hear her asking when he planned to take me to his people. The relationship was 5 months in. I cringe at the pressure he may have felt from her.

    We broke up because of compatibility issues but mehn, I am not letting her in on another relationship. She might have come from a good place, not wanting the guy to keep me waiting, but I knew where his head was at and I was still evaluating the relationship at the time. And since he wasn’t anywhere on my social media, life just went on.

    The other tricky part was outsiders, people who see you two everyday or at your frequent hangouts. Two green grocers near my house asked me where the ex had disappeared to after not seeing him for a while. Ditto to my neighbors that he interacted with when he popped by. Just a quick short response would do, albeit repetitively smh

  5. Rrrrrrr

    November 18, 2015 at 1:08 am

    I remember when I was 17 years old, my mum said and still repeats till this day, 1) boys and girls can not be friends 2) if the man is not coming for your hand in marriage what is he coming to your father’s house for? As boyfriend? Mbano! Even till now, I don’t claim anybody that doesn’t claim me. Which kain false alarm be that. Most of the time I know what I want( Most o, tongue in cheek) but if dude is blowing hot and cold omo no claiming. That’s why I have said it time and again, so long as sex is not involved, multiple boyfriends till the bold one claims his queen. Strictly my opinion.

    • William Moore

      November 18, 2015 at 6:29 am

      Your mother is full of wisdom 😀

  6. oge

    November 18, 2015 at 6:16 am

    True. I believe relationships should be kept away from SOCIAL MEDIA!!! That’s their ruining point but family? I doubt. Friends, erm to an extent. The truth is that quite frankly, to hide your relationship from friends has this very ugly suggestive thing with it.
    On to the next issue :
    Dear Bellanaija, please how does one go about send you an article you will actually show interest in publishing? Or do you guys choose WHO you publish theirs? Hopefully you’ld at least answer me and guide me properly
    Thank you.

    • BellaNaija Weddings

      BellaNaija.com

      November 18, 2015 at 10:51 am

      Email features (at) bellanaija.com

      Thanks

  7. oge

    November 18, 2015 at 6:18 am

    *sending* rather. sorry for the typo

  8. Christian Sister

    November 18, 2015 at 9:03 am

    Omg! This post is me 100 %.
    So I once a dated a guy that did this leaving of comments on my photos, my fb wall, and even mentioning and putting up photos of me on twitter. It was like he wanted the whole world to know this one was taken o, and I guess that shouldn’t have been a problem but for me it was. I value my privacy, like a LOT. Why will you drop comments of ‘she’s mine’, or ‘my wife’, or ‘my woman’, and the likes under my photos?! By so doing that, you’re pretty much inviting uninvited people into our relationship duh.
    Don’t get me wrong I love pda, but not social media pda (for obvious reasons). Like why do we have to play out our love for the world to see? There’s a way to leave cryptic love messages on your partner’s posts/photos without making it seem like you’re being overly possessive.
    Needless to say we eventually broke up as the brother thought I was cheating and had sumn to hide. Smh.

  9. Dee

    November 18, 2015 at 9:12 am

    ‘Perhaps the speed at which we decide to make our dating lives the business of others is something we need to consider a bit more closely before grabbing the selfie stick and hunting for likes.’..wise words.

  10. Why???

    November 18, 2015 at 10:03 am

    Dr Craig is married???? Beht why????

  11. Why???

    November 18, 2015 at 10:08 am

    Hello Mr Moore,
    How you doing? Can this apply to marriage too? Hubby is not one to flaunt on social media. None of those living FB messages, pics once in a while on bbm with almost generic pm’s. I am more inclined to but sometimes feel like if he isn’t celebrating me on social media, why should I?
    Also, a few months into our relationship, he was ready to go public on FB. I asked him to apply the brakes.
    Your thoughts please. Thanks.

  12. oluchi

    November 18, 2015 at 11:19 am

    Been with bae for a little over a year, after a few weeks he naturally wanted to see my pictures on fb. I declined his request to even know my fb name. In my mind i’m like…you’re on my bbm and whatsapp, I dont need any further territorial markings, he totally respected it.

    Fast forward 13 months, i sent him a request on Fb.
    My point? The relationship had earned my Fb invite, no pressure….no one notices he had just been added.

    The less people know, the better.

  13. Oyinlola

    November 18, 2015 at 11:26 am

    M ex, who I was with for about 2+ years, wanted to to do the ‘in in relationship with’ tag along facebook but I refused. We went to the same school so a lot of our mutual friends knew we were together but I still didn’t want it. About 5 months after the last discussion about the tag, we broke up cos of another girl and now they are married. The point is this, people didn’t kno we were no longer together cos I didn’t have to remove the tag which would have made facebook publish ‘X ended their relationship with Y’.
    I am a very private person, I have facebook and instagram accs but I don’t think I’d have my wedding pics all over the Internet or on bl when that time comes.
    No matter how much money I make, I want a life where when anyone types my name in a search engine, the only things they’d see are related to my professional and philanthRopic life. Nothing about my children or husband.

  14. Lagos Belle

    November 18, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    Chief advocate of going public when it’s a sealed deal between the both of you. Only God knows the number of places I can’t go to in Lagos because I kinda showcased the whole thing way too early.
    There’s also this amazing privacy you have when no one is all up in your business especially when you’re trying to lay the foundations for your relationship.

  15. Ruby

    November 18, 2015 at 1:05 pm

    Hmmm….I had to learn mine from experience oo. First boo was all over Facebook…we even had that ‘in a relationship with _’active. LOL. Relationship ended and I had to change relationship status and answer the questions from gbegburuns that followed.
    Boo 2 wasn’t so into social media. But as I thought he was the last busstop. I disturbed him to be,, it didn’t work. But he was all over mine sha and I quarreled with him gan coz I wasnt all over his. Some months later, we broke up.
    Now, I have been single for over a year and prospective boo won’t be anywhere on my TL till ‘Save The Date”. Social media flaunting doesn’t equal love. As for friends and family, they will meet him when he comes to ask for bride price.

  16. Marsh

    November 18, 2015 at 3:03 pm

    bless u

  17. seun tyb

    November 18, 2015 at 4:47 pm

    Mr Moore you market dey sell oh…. hmmm
    social media and relationship to me depends on the personality of the individuals involved. i know ppl who you dont even have to see them in relationships to know that they will be the posting pics n leaving comments type (this applys to guys). these are those insecure guys.

    i noticed that most of the comments on here are mostly from females, and yall aren’t completely being truthful. the main reason why a female would want to keep her relationship outta the faces of other females or guys is if there arent totally into that guy or if they fell they can do better than that guy ( hence they no wan burn their own cable).

    females both human and animals take pride in flaunting their mates, but miss me with that.

    • Cindy

      November 18, 2015 at 5:00 pm

      Please if you are not a woman, don’t assume you know why they do things or why they make the choices they make. Warris this? Mtchew!
      “You are not being entirely truthful”…….speak for yourself please.

    • nwanyi na aga aga

      November 18, 2015 at 6:03 pm

      Seun, your position is untrue for all females. I for one never flaunt anything anywhere, be it on bbm, fbk, instagram and the likes. Infact to update my linkdn profile sef na war. See most of you leave your life on the internet because you don’t know what information people are capable of pulling from the internet and the harm it can cause you guys, believe me I know first hand. Starting from your location to the tinniest bit of detail of your life can be lifted without any qualms on the internet. Some people value their privacy and their security a lot more than you can imagine. So its not because of looks that keep them from telling their life stories.

  18. ENNYY**

    November 18, 2015 at 5:23 pm

    @rue light skin ko why don’t you put it on your CV and take several seats. Lol .

  19. seun tyb

    November 18, 2015 at 6:21 pm

    @nwanyi noted @cindy i stand to be corrected i should have used most females and i don’t think there’s a problem with assuming if a high percentage of women do what i insinuated. is just stats no need for the black angry feminist woman response . sound like a scorned woman eyah pele

  20. dhee

    November 19, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    “In fact, for some people will end up even more afraid to breakup because they dread the judgment from the partner’s friends and family”. True word there,Mr Moore… the pressure to be on their good side would always be real.

  21. Sheila

    November 21, 2015 at 8:54 am

    Is it right to seek approval/ consent from elders/pastors when a guy is coming around you? Most times, the getting to know never happens because I don’t get approval from people.

    • Audrey

      November 23, 2015 at 5:29 pm

      Why don’t you pray about it instead? yes,tell an adult or your pastor about it but before then you should be sure of him,having checked him out and prayed extensively. You cannot 100% rely on the opinions of others,they’re only human. They can mislead you.

  22. Evapee

    November 22, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    I have always kept my relationships private especially from my folks, until a very enthusiastic ex traced me to my home after just a few months of dating urrrrrrrh! Until today my parents still ask about that “young handsome boy” even though we have broken up a long time ago. If you’re sure about your relationship, you don’t have to flaunt it, by default it will happen. Enough said

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