#BN2015Epilogues: In spite of the Topsy-Turvy, Kehinde Learned Introspection in 2015

Last year BellaNaija Features put together an inspiring feature series to round off the year. The 2014 Epilogues featured 10 real people who took an introspective look at their year and wrote about it. This year, we decided to make the call public to our readers. {Click here if you missed it} It is our hope and desire that we will have enough entries to have a story up every day from the 1st to the 31st of December. We have received an impressive number of entries and we hope that you will share yours with us.

We kicked off the series and so far we’ve had the following entries: Jennifer G , Morountodun , Victory, Mayowa ,  Harmony ,Dekky , OJ , Busola , Modupe, The Prodigal Daughter , Adetola, Ayomikun and Omami Jojo

We’re very grateful to everyone who has sent in an entry and we intend to share all the stories we receive. We’re kicking this week off with Kehinde‘s introspective story. Nothing says real more than taking a truly close look at one’s self, analysing it for what it truly represents, and deciding to take a step upwards, and onwards… to progress.

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I don’t know one word that can describe perfectly the year 2015 for me. Even if there was, I’d haughtily ignore it because it just wouldn’t do justice to what this year has been for me. Maybe one word will be too limiting anyway. 2015 has been lonely, annoying, worrisome, confusing, stressful, an unexpected blessing and everything possible. Nothing remarkably sorrowful happened to me, neither did anything outstandingly awesome happen; but I found myself depressed too many times waiting for something life-defining to happen. Well, nothing happened.

January left me terribly lonely. I spent too many days in that month wallowing in the sea of loneliness that I found myself in. There were no friends, I didn’t have family around me and the few people I found myself around weren’t friendly. My new environment was too quiet and on many evenings I went back home very reluctantly because I didn’t look forward to those moments alone. As the months went on though I learnt to deal with it or run away whenever I could.

I turned 21 this year and it was nothing remarkable. I’d always envisioned 21 to be this big deal being an adult and all. Nothing like that. I didn’t develop a bigger sense of responsibility for anything, the world didn’t stop to acknowledge Nigeria’s latest adult, and nobody even seemed as excited as I’d expected. I just remained me, a little disappointed too.

I was more determined to find my unique voice though. What I hadn’t realised until this year was how much I’d been depending on other people to approve me: my parents, siblings, friends, sometimes even strangers because somehow I believed them more than I did myself. It wasn’t until those lonely months that I saw it for what it was and finally got the courage to identify and respect my own opinion of myself. I don’t believe I’ve learnt that perfectly yet but I do know that after five months of brain draining loneliness I’ve found my voice. I’m still hesitant to share that voice but without any doubt I’ve found it. All I continue to do is to trust myself.

I’d spent the first quarter of the year religiously worrying about what my life will be as the year progressed. What was I really going to do? That was how I found myself reading my Bible for dear life. I needed to make sense of life, and why is it anyway that we don’t always know the way our lives will progress in full detail? I mean it’ll make life less worrisome. Reading my Bible never made as much sense as it did to me this year. I think it’s because for the first time in a long time I really needed what came out of it. It’s different from when it’s something you’re reading as part of a routine. I searched my Bible out of desperation. Every word I got those mornings comforted me when worry threatened to depress me even more. I still didn’t know how I was going to get a job for example, but I’d learnt that God will cause ALL THINGS to work for my good.

Towards the middle of the year hope was lit in my heart and out of that excitement I created a 100 point bucket list – I achieved 6 within the year, and if you’re reading this that means that my 7th has been achieved. In this year also I learnt introspection. I’d never thought of the turn my life will take if I had one year left to live. It’s unlikely that I’ll know anyway; but I answered that question and shocked myself with the urgency that I was going to approach life with. If I had one year left I’ll actually be less fearful. Me, this scaredy-cat. So I resolved that I would try as much as possible to live each day fearless. Hmm! I’m still trying.

In the last quarter of the year I had opportunities visit me that I still don’t feel like I’m settled enough for. I’ve changed location and met new people; and although I’m relieved by the changes I still don’t know what to make of them. My 2015 wasn’t as definitive as I’d hoped but I learnt that in all things and through all things, no matter how unplanned they are, God will cause them to work for my good.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Mimagephotography