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Loud Thinker: Men Know What they Want From the Jump… Or Maybe Not!

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So I met this guy at a shisha lounge. I went out there with my girlfriends to catch up and unfortunately (or fortunately) we sat next to a group of guys who seemed to have had one too many shots. Every now and then as we were catching up and chatting away, we would hear one of the guys randomly ask questions like “why are you girls not socializing?” “Do you want to join our table?” “I’m cold can I come seat next to you? You look warm.” No lie – the place was actually cold. My friend said the temperature was better where she was sitting so I moved over to the seat next to her and that’s where one of the guys seized the opportunity to talk to me. I whispered to my friend “ugh what does he want?” but he looked good so I carried on with the conversation. Turned out he was not bad at all; early 30s, speaks French (and I do too), accountant, doesn’t drink (he was the only sober one out of all the friends celebrating a birthday). Shots came around, we had a couple each and went inside. The guys later on came inside and again sat next to us. But this time they were trying to flirt with any girl interested. Towards the end, the same bobo came and asked me how I was getting home. Long story short, we exchanged numbers.

Fast forward to two months later and the guy is an amazing person. His mama should be proud because she raised a great man, all alone. We get along as friends with no problems, no arguments and no misunderstanding that last more than it should. So where is the issue? Well, he has been proclaiming love. Not simple love oh, my people. I mean love to the point where he wanted me to meet his mother less than 3 months after meeting (fear catch me oh).

It wasn’t just empty talk. His mother already knew about me and was and is still looking forward to meeting me. I don’t mind meeting someone’s mother oh but with this situation the mother only wants to meet me if I am 100% sure that I want to marry her son. On the other hand, he is so sure but as for me mmmmm… Bros what happened to getting to know each other first? Can I take my time to like you? Fear di catch me oh. I need some Usain Bolt shoes.

I spoke to my friend and she agrees that the guy is great and she told me “Most guys know very early on who they want to be with”. I have been hearing and seeing this statement or similar ones a lot lately. There’s also an amazing inspirational page on Instagram called @Blackcitygirl_ which gives advice about dating and marriage. They also post emails they get from people asking for advice but most importantly, they try to uplift black women. They posted a few times about this particular topic saying “Men know what their intentions are right away.” People (both men and women) commented with their personal stories. Some people had met and gotten married after 3, 4, 6 months of dating. It was amazing to read all those stories and people celebrating anniversaries years later. I could not help but smile when I was reading the comments. A lot of women on the page were encouraged by others sharing their stories. As for me, encouragement no enter me oh…. Fear be still dey. Sometimes I wish I could shake off the fear. What am I really afraid of? Well, I need to know his character (mostly the bad) so I know what I can deal with and what could be a breaking point. And to me bringing out those traits takes more than a few months.

Everyone is different when it comes to how long they should know someone before deciding to meet their family, get engaged or get married. There are some people that don’t mind getting married after some months of meeting if they feel everything is right. Some people need some years. As for me, ideally, I would like at least a year to get to know someone and be sure of my emotions (some emotions are temporary). It’s hard for me to believe in love at first sight. One thing I am certain about is knowing where I see a friendship going after having a conversation with someone. I also do believe that men know their immediate intentions right away but maybe the BN family can enlighten me. I have read tons of articles on BellaNaija and also comments about looking for red flags and how marriage is not easy at all. So person get for take ei time.

I welcome the idea of men knowing their intentions (if all of them could just share those intentions) Actually, it is refreshing to read that most men know their intentions and that could help us women weed out the men that come to permanently chill in our lives with no thoughts of moving forward like meat forgotten in a deep freezer. But the marriage after a few months of meeting is what scares me. Abeg make wuna help me reduce this fear biko. Has anyone gotten married in less than a year of meeting? Do you know anyone who has? As for the men, is the statement about intentions true for you? What do you think about the topic in general? Please share.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Ron Chapple

Loud thinker is an extension of a young woman’s conversations with people around her and the thoughts that come with it. She loves to tease people’s minds and sometimes think outside the box. On her spare time she loves to dance, work out and Netflix.

36 Comments

  1. the man the man

    December 31, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    let me just tell you now…. women hold your eyes….
    MEN know exactly what they want!!!!!

  2. ElessarisElendil

    December 31, 2015 at 12:35 pm

    The only thing to fear is fear itself. As long as you know to run if the going turns sourer than you take, what’s the harm?

    ‘sides think what a great story it’ll make years from now when you guys are telling it in that sychronised way old TV couples do.?

  3. LEM

    December 31, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    Most men (not all) know exactly what they want from a woman within few days of meeting her. I am a living experience of this. I dated a guy for almost four years only for him to break up and marry someone just six months of meeting. Hubby met me September 2009, we became friends first officially started dating in December 2009, Intro March 2010, and wedding in July of the same year. Its been wonderful ever since. However I did not have any second thoughts like you are having, I had previous guys that met me and were already talking marriage which did not go down with me well. What made my hubby different was that he became my friend first before making any romantic proposals.

  4. jess

    December 31, 2015 at 12:43 pm

    The question here is not if the man knows what he wants from the get go,the real question is what do you want. We place so much emphasis on whether the man is ready or not to settle down with a woman that we forget to analyse if the woman feels the same. A thief can meet a girl today and make up his mind to marry the girl does that automatically translate to the girl settling down with him. A girl may be ready to settle down does that mean she will settle down with the first guy that shows a genuine interest to settle down with her?? Does his intention to settle down qualify him as a good husband?

    What is your objective, is it to marry or to marry the right person. The guy has made up his mind to settle with you, have you made up your mind to settle with him? The yardstick is not if he has decided to be with you,it is if YOU have decided to be with him too.

    • whocares

      December 31, 2015 at 1:36 pm

      here is my standing ovation today Jess- TAKE IT! That aside, I have always wondered you meet someone you both get along like a house on fire until the guy drops the “I am not ready for commitment”. That is the one that gets on my nerves. You do not want to commit cos you want to be free to do whatever you want without the guilt, that is ok. You have decided I am not the lady for which you want to give up your iranu ways.. That is ok too. You do you pimpin, I listen and I carry my leg and waka forward and dial the relationship back to platonic friendship. However, what gets on my nerves is when the guy now turns around with attitude when you start dating other people. Sebi you said you dont want to do? what then is the problem? Some guys are mental. They want you to be “faithful” and wait for them to be ready for commitment. How conceited is that? to think the choice boils down to you (well it does take two to tango really, I agree.. but the conceit! ) Point is.. we ladies have a say in it too. You like him, and you are not ready for all that, tell him to slow it down. I have no problem asking guys to slow down in this regard because some people are like puma. Whilst I am still trying to wrap my head around getting to know a stranger, some dudes have reached the meet my family stage. I have found out that those ones are usually the unserious ones. As soon as I start asking questions which to me are normal questions.. They start telling me I am defensive.. as soon as I hear the word defensive its all over jackie. I also like how guys think they are “choosing” the woman.. as if I am not vetting you in my head against my check list. As if you didnt have to pass certain tests to even get my number in the first place. This dating game na wa I tell you. I took a break for a while -all these false starts. *sigh* 2016, its me and you *hitches bra up*

    • Cynical

      December 31, 2015 at 5:37 pm

      @whocares,don’t hitch the bra up too much o…..lol. May we no hear say breast don choke you. And I totally agree with Jess,the more important thing is what you want. I remember when a friend wanted to marry,and he came for my opinion on the girl,I said yes she is a good girl,but that doesn’t mean two of you will make a perfect pair. It takes more than that to make a marriage work. If you are having second thoughts,listen to them,they may be there for a reason.

    • iyke

      December 31, 2015 at 2:27 pm

      @Jess – Smart thinking!
      From a grown man’s perspective, when we know, we know…No need to beat around the bush.
      Ladies, if you are from age 28 – 35, with marriage as your objective , and after 3 months of dating, still can’t confidently see the direction that your relationship is going,then you have no reason talking about marriage. Go find yourself before you find him.
      Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right!

    • sparkles

      December 31, 2015 at 3:13 pm

      Iyke are u single cos i am

    • Californiabawlar

      December 31, 2015 at 4:41 pm

      @Sparkles: hey! hey! Officer CaliB of the BN police force Panti Division 4 in the building. Where are your particulars? Mr. Iyke is already in a committed BN relationship. Abeg go and find his comments in the Al Jazeera comment section and be toasting him there. Right now you’re trespassing. If I see you here again you will have to come to the station to explain yourself to our madam at the top.
      Now do Christmas for us ??
      Jk jk….but really ?

    • Iris

      December 31, 2015 at 3:02 pm

      For sentence one and two you need a hug.

    • [email protected]

      December 31, 2015 at 8:02 pm

      THANK YOUUUUUU!!!!! U JUST GET IT.

    • zarah baby loke loke

      January 1, 2016 at 1:53 pm

      My sentiments exactly.
      It’s also about you. perhaps you dont love or want to be with him hence the room for fear and asking for opinions.

  5. King Bey

    December 31, 2015 at 1:16 pm

    Woman what do u want? All these men be using come and meet my “Mum” to be chopping free cookies…Just be careful Hun

    • Lilo

      January 1, 2016 at 1:23 am

      Haha,..if I tell you how many mums I have met eh? Lmao.

  6. Sem

    December 31, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    As a man who has both been there and done that I can readily tell you that if a man just wants you for the taking that is more often what he wants but if he wants you for keeps thats more often what he wants. The very first day I saw (not met) my wife I told our mutual friend that she is going to be my wife. When we finally spoke on the phone (cause it was a long distance relationship I was in London and she in Yankee) I told her after about like 2-3weeks of talking that I want to marry her and I laid all my cards on the table no forming, no pretenses and no tricks. I told her the things which I think are a must for me in a relationship, the things which I think are a no-no for me in a relationship, the things which I don’t like but can live with in a relationship and the things I would like and hope my girl can do for me in a relationship. I was very honest told her every single past deed which I did and I could remember and the ones I did not immediately tell when I remembered I did tell her. In fact my honesty and no forming was so funny to her that she teases me that I sometimes used to toast her in Yoruba (which I know she liked cause she felt it was just different and today we laugh about it). Sometime after the first month of talking to her my spirit told me this is my wife (mind you this was through skype and we were yet to meet physically) and I used to make fun of her and refer to her as Iyawo A******* (the A******** is my surname) and till this day my pet name for her is Iyawo (which means wifey). Fast forward a few months into getting to know each and she told me her pastor had told her specifically that a man named S***** (which was obviously me) will approach you soon and that is your husband. When we finally met in person I even loved her more and now we are married with two beautiful kids a boy and a girl. The entire process of meeting her parents and introduction from the time we meet physically was less that 6 months and the only reason we didn’t marry sooner was because my mother-in-law passed just before the scheduled date for the marriage. So my dear, a guy truly knows what he wants when he wants it and even though it may seem scary at first to the lady because a lot of guys are liars and just want to eat but trust me there is something about the honesty in a guy’s intentions that when he wants you your intuition and gut will tell you its the truth. Now would you equally want him is the question that you should ask yourself cause if you do you can as well take the risk of being honest and also lay you cards on the table with your must haves and no-nos as well as your you don’t like but can live with and your you would like in a relationship. Once that is sorted top it off with prayer and you are good to go. And who knows you may end being married earlier than you think.

    • pinopino

      December 31, 2015 at 2:23 pm

      I have a similar story, I met my fiancé same way and after exchanging our warts and all story, we still love each other strongly. he calls me “ugegbem’- my mirror. so sweet!

    • Opsy

      December 31, 2015 at 2:40 pm

      That was very long, insightful and educative… I just wish it was really this easy with MOST if not all men!

      Thank you.

    • Californiabawlar

      December 31, 2015 at 5:11 pm

      Nice. Like @Jess said the only kink is when the woman doesn’t want the man. I have met a few men who were sure I’m their wife. In fact, one keeps telling I’m delaying the birth of his kids. And he’s not playing around o….after the initial coming clean with his intentions, he stays in touch (respectfully in a non-stalkerish way). On my own end, I’m 100% sure he’s not my husband….great guy and all, but just not for me. Life can be funny….most men assume they are eligible and every girl wants them….meanwhile for every success story like yours there are a couple of disappointing leads.

      Madam OP, if you fear what you don’t know about him, then just do your homework. He already knows he wants you, now make up your mind if you want him.

  7. tega

    December 31, 2015 at 1:44 pm

    @Sem…3 gbosa for you

  8. larz

    December 31, 2015 at 2:04 pm

    True love cast away all fear. In your case, you are still very fearful. The reasons could range from whether he is not right for you or you are too cynical to appreciate his loving. either way, I suggest you walk away before an ok situation turns ugly.

    I met a guy in my early 20s who wanted to meet his family within 2 months. My response to him was similar to yours. We dated on and off for 2 years and it just wasnt worth it. I should have borrowed myself some sense in the early days and walked away. Fast forward a few years, I went with my hubby to his friends party and dude was there with his pregnant wife and a daughter. This forced me to think back about my relationship with the two men. Where I was fearful in my rship with my ex, I felt secure throughout my relationship with my hubby. A lot of the traits I hated in him, I found cute with my hubby. I should have been bold enough to say to him in the early days that you are a great man but I feel something is missing. If I had done that, perhaps we would have had a shot at being friends instead of making an enemy out of each other.

    I suggest you do the same, analyse your feelings and decide if you wanna be with him. Don’t try to find “evidence” to dump him. It is ok not admit you dont feel the same way as him.

  9. Mrs Somebody

    December 31, 2015 at 2:47 pm

    My dear all I can tell you is to take your time and pray about it and once your mind is at peace with it then go for it. Do not use other peoples experience as a determinant…because what might work for them might not work for you .good luck

  10. Felinda

    December 31, 2015 at 5:52 pm

    Yes they do! MEN KNOW FROM JUMP – no doubt

    They know exactly if they are going to marry you or not at least wihtin first month, but their selfish asses will l date you for 3, 4, 5, 6 even 8 years as my handsdome male cousin did my best friend of life, only to leave her and marry to thot he met when he went home for christmas for two weeks.

    I lost my bff because of that. So me too i dont talk to my cousin not until he apologizes to my bff and her whole family – give her a reason why he did that.

    My bff invested 8 years (from in that relationship age 20 to 28) only for my foolish cousin to leave her. I had a lengthy conversation with my cousin – I said Tell me the truth, i am your relative just be honest with me, You knew even in the first year you were not going to marry my friend, why did you lead her on for 8 years.. You knew you knew you just knew all along you will never marry her. He couldnt answer me. so I asked him – what did you see in this new little 25yr old girl whom you met over a two week period and decide to marry, what did you see in her that my friend did not have. he said “I cant explain it but WHEN YOU MEET “THE ONE” YOU JUST KNOW, SO I JUST CANT EXPLAIN IT.

    this girl was my bff from nursery thru secondary through university – her family was my family and mine vice versa. Now all that is lost because of my foolish selfish idiotic cousin. I will never speak to him ever. My bff was so broken hearted and hurt, she was hospitalised and her family will not even make me see her cos they think am in on it and i knew all along. I swear i never did. I pray about it all the time that God heals our relationship. I miss her so bad it hurts 🙁 🙁 🙁

    (what i hate the most is that timid wife of my male cousin shares the same name with me. Tufiakwa – i so hate it – they have two kids now and i still dont care to see them – they live in London and i now live in USA so good excuse)

    So in conclusion yes men do know. If they tell you they dont. They are lieing.

    • Eme

      December 31, 2015 at 8:45 pm

      That is so sad!,I pray God gives a a man who’s worth it.

    • Eme

      December 31, 2015 at 8:45 pm

      *her

  11. Achi

    December 31, 2015 at 10:24 pm

    This is a great post. I have made some tough decisions in my life to let some girls go right away after dating for a month or two when I knew this thing will not lead to marriage. What is funny is when I initially met these girls I already knew this was NOT my wife but I was trying to see if things will change. One thing that I have been learning from others is that we DON’T go into a relationship hoping the other person will change.

    For people who are sure that this is their wife/husband but you’re not constantly in the place of daily prayer and renewal to God’s will then take time of to Fast from the person and any advice on relationships and plead to God to reveal His will concerning this relationship. If you’re in a constant place of prayer, the Holy Spirit will reveal His will to you and your Spirit man will accept or reject this relationship and God will give you an easy exit or a stepping stone to build on.

    The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18 This verse can be applied to all areas of life. My sister got prophecies that she will marry a White guy, she is based in Yankee and she was joking about it that hmmm if you tell mummy she might react differently but I didn’t reject it I just let it be. Couple of months later my sister was job hunting and this White guy who owned a company was so fond of my sister that she created a whole new position for her in his company. You see God is looking at us with mercy and saying that He will send someone suitable for us in every area of our lives and the devil is also roaming about to sending counterfeits, thats why we have to HUMBLE ourselves and kneel down and seek Gods face before we go into relationships.

  12. Someone

    January 1, 2016 at 3:38 am

    First, I’d like to say Happy new year to everyone. Now that several people have declared that a man usually knows what he wants from the start, I’ve got a question (I don’t mean to take attention away from the original post but the comments got me thinking). How do I relate with a guy who has told me point blank that he does not want to date me? Do I relate as a friend or just shut him out and move on?

    I’m 25, he’s 29. We’ve known and liked each other on and off for 9 years but never got round to dating cos one party was always unavailable. We’re both single now though. If he knows what he wants and its not me yet he still claims to like me a lot and we are still all chummy/fairly romantic on the phone (we now live in different countries), yet, he doesn’t want to date me cos we live apart and we are polar opposites in terms of personality. He thinks us dating would end in a disaster. There are other factors but the story is too long, just wanted to give some context.

    So, again, my question, do I relate with him as a friend or just shut him out and move on? Because I still have feelings for him and its not easy relating with him knowing there’s no future. Plus, I feel like shutting him out would amount to ‘woman drama’ which I’m also trying to avoid.

    I’d appreciate constructive opinions. Thank you.

    • Vivian

      January 1, 2016 at 10:01 am

      Darling, happy new year too. You see, I’m in a similar position, but what I’m doing right now is I’m gradually pulling out of the ‘situationship’ We always know when somthing’s never going to work out, but why we still ‘shook’ our head there and hope and pray it turns around for our sake beats me. A man if he sincerely,passionately wants you, won’t play this hide and seek game with you. You aren’t getting any younger, you realluy should be able to tell yourself the plain hard truth… This guy’s using you to keep space, until his ‘choice’ comes and gurl, watch him as he drops you like its hot. Don’t be forming friendship that’s destructive to you mentally, emotionally and otherwise. Sometimes, all we need do is tell ourselves self truths, it’s always saved many from the ‘path’ you are towing now. So what you should do to avoid woman drama? Pls cut off gradually all forms of communication, you are better than this on and off ‘something’ that even you can’t define. You have to see it for what it is. Dude’s not into you! If u set high standard for yourself, I’m sure you’ll see that being friends with this guy with all the undertone ‘feelings’ wouldn’t do both of you any good. Nip it in now, while u still can, honey. It’s a new year, let’s set new goals, with new mindsets. All the best.

    • Feelitx

      January 1, 2016 at 10:25 am

      You can relate as friends. You never know what the future will bring. There is no point trying to shut him out since you mentioned you still have feelings for him. The guy might have a review and or a rethink.

      My take is that the guy may not have deep feelings for you as I think distance or no hurdle will keep a man that is totally crazy about you.

    • molarah

      January 1, 2016 at 10:30 pm

      Hian. This “relating as friends” is what leads to all those “I-dated-the-jerk-for-9-years-and-he-dumped-me-to-marry-another-babe-within-2-weeks” tales. If you still have feelings for him and he doesn’t, the only visible thing in your future is a heartache. Acknowledge the hurt and pain this has caused you and move on quickly before it gets worse. If he’s going to change his mind let him met an emotionally detached you and woo you all over again from the beginning. Your heart is not a toy, don’t allow anyone (yourself or others) play those kind of games with your emotions,

  13. Feelitx

    January 1, 2016 at 10:19 am

    We know if we want to be with you long-term within the first 30 minutes of having a conversation with you.

  14. Frannie-beautifulsoul

    January 1, 2016 at 4:52 pm

    Some people just have dead consciences and are so selfish to the point that it baffles even the devil himself lol. Yes alot of guys know from onset what they want but since they want to eat their cake n still have it then they don’t really mind. U as a woman has to look out for yourself cos men are unpredictable. Neither ur beauty, brain or great character matter when they want yo do the deed so make God ur bedrock n stand on ur principles. God alone is what matters the most but give urself sense to avoid had I known

  15. Jane

    January 2, 2016 at 9:19 am

    U hit d nail right on d head… Exactly what I was thinking,some guys just want benefits of being in a relationship without wanting to commit… So annoying

  16. Someone

    January 2, 2016 at 8:06 pm

    Thanks everyone. Your responses are much appreciated.

  17. Richie

    January 3, 2016 at 4:16 pm

    Relationship ought to be a two-way traffic, if u are into the the guy but not ready I will advice u to let him know so he won’t live under assumptions. Yes we guys (serious ones oo) know who is the one within days or weeks that shouldn’t make u assume he is the right man for you, until u get that conviction he is the one for you. I will advice u to take it slow

  18. bunmi

    January 4, 2016 at 2:38 pm

    This was my case…

    Met boyfriend G through mutual friend, we talked and started dating, relationship was close to 2 & half years…. during that period, i noticed he was not ready to commit but wanted to be around me says he knows ‘i be wife material’ but commitment lia lia…… hmmmm

    I met another guy, boyfriend S and by 1st month of our meeting….. hmmm it was as if he had been waiting for me…….. i was like… really? so some guys do make up their mind so fast…

    Then Boyfriend G noticed i dettached emotionally so he was still doing gragra thinking i was still avaliable. when he couldn’t reach me(mobile, skype, fbk, yahoo etc), Boyfriend G started confessing love at late hour…. reported me to our mutual friend

    Eight months dating and courting boyfriend S, we got married and am enjoying marital bliss.

    What baffles me was that boyfriend G told our friends i broke his heart….

  19. Mimi

    January 4, 2016 at 5:10 pm

    Really sounds like a cool love story that will have a happy ending….But the question here is…what do you want in a man and can you be able to identify it …?

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