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Olawunmi Esan: What Makes a Spouse Good in Bed?

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dreamstime_s_815911Time and again, the question has been asked? What does it take to be a great lover?
Trust me, this question is not gender specific at all. Men have asked me, Women have asked me and in different ways too.
‘Olawunmi, how can I rock her world?’

‘Olawunmi, what does it mean for a woman to be good in bed?’

‘Olawunmi, my husband says I’m not very good in bed, how can I improve?, My wife says I don’t do it for her sexually, what do I do?, He says his ex was really good in bed, how do I top that?

As a Sex and Marriage Coach, I get asked questions like that a lot. Personally, I believe it is great that spouses want to go the extra mile in the bedroom to blow the socks off their partners. After all, it’s a win-win situation.
You get the Sex god/goddess of the year trophy, your spouse gets the pleasure and of course, so do you.

However, I digress. So back to the question. ‘What makes you great in bed?’

Some men say flexibility, some say the grip of the woman’s vagina, some say her repertoire of sex styles and others say, her ability to twist and turn in certain angles while having sex.

For women, it ranges from the size of his penis to the ability to use his penis well to how well he engages in foreplay and for some, his ability to bend and fold them ten ways to Sunday.
If I were to ask you, I am sure you would have your unique definition of what being great in bed means to you.
Already it is established that as individuals, our needs vary. What may feel great to one person may not necessarily feel great to another.
The best way to be great in bed is really not rocket science…..All you need to do either as a man or woman to be great in bed is……..(wait for it)……..(drum roll please)…….FIND OUT WHAT YOUR PARTNER LIKES AND DO IT!

Ah ah…you probably just looked at that and said ‘So is that the big revelation?’
Yes, it is.
Quite a number of people know that this is the way to go but the inability to follow through is what limits their sexual prowess.

As a man, you know she is not easily excited and requires extensive foreplay that involves you seducing her right from the beginning of the day just to get her mentally ready. You know you should send her some scintillating messages at work and follow up with a lot of kissing, fondling and sucking before she is ready to receive you but you decide to skip all that, give her a few kisses on her neck when you are both in bed and direct her hand straight to your throbbing penis. 3 minutes later, you are done and she is left feeling unsatisfied.
How exactly do you expect her to wax poetic about your sexual prowess and sing praises to high heavens in thanksgiving for her sex god?

Same applies to the woman, you know he wants you to be a little more adventurous in bed but all you do when he asks for sex, is position your rear end for some spooning or open your legs for him to enter and do the work. And you think to yourself, he asks and I give, surely I am better off than those that deny their husbands.
Are you really better off, though?

These are just some examples and will not always be the case. There are men who enjoy more foreplay than the average man and there are women who just want to go straight for the jugular…no foreplay, no wetness, they want dry entry before the wetness build ups.

What makes you a great lover is knowing what works for your spouse and putting in your time and effort to giving it to them that way.

Find out their preference. Is it vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, a combination of all three or do they like swirls with cherry on top? Your first step to becoming a great lover is to FIND out your partner’s preference, the next step is to get down to business and do it.

Hopefully, your partner does not want to do it in the belly of a whale.
P.S I have to state that if it is a practice that you don’t enjoy or a practice that can endanger your life, you reserve the right to say communicate your position and turn it down.
Till next time

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Olawunmi Esan is a trained Psychotherapist, who specializes as a Sex Therapist & Coach. She helps couples take Sexual Intimacy from Routine to Mind-blowing and has worked with over 1,000 individuals and couples to help them enjoy more fulfilling Intimacy and Sex lives. She is a founding member of The African Association of Professional Counsellors (ANEPCO) and the Founder of The Thriving Family, a Counselling Organisation working to promote positive and well balanced family life. You can learn more about her work HERE Olawunmi is married with children.


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