Connect with us


Olawunmi Esan: What Makes a Spouse Good in Bed?



dreamstime_s_815911Time and again, the question has been asked? What does it take to be a great lover?
Trust me, this question is not gender specific at all. Men have asked me, Women have asked me and in different ways too.
‘Olawunmi, how can I rock her world?’

‘Olawunmi, what does it mean for a woman to be good in bed?’

‘Olawunmi, my husband says I’m not very good in bed, how can I improve?, My wife says I don’t do it for her sexually, what do I do?, He says his ex was really good in bed, how do I top that?

As a Sex and Marriage Coach, I get asked questions like that a lot. Personally, I believe it is great that spouses want to go the extra mile in the bedroom to blow the socks off their partners. After all, it’s a win-win situation.
You get the Sex god/goddess of the year trophy, your spouse gets the pleasure and of course, so do you.

However, I digress. So back to the question. ‘What makes you great in bed?’

Some men say flexibility, some say the grip of the woman’s vagina, some say her repertoire of sex styles and others say, her ability to twist and turn in certain angles while having sex.

For women, it ranges from the size of his penis to the ability to use his penis well to how well he engages in foreplay and for some, his ability to bend and fold them ten ways to Sunday.
If I were to ask you, I am sure you would have your unique definition of what being great in bed means to you.
Already it is established that as individuals, our needs vary. What may feel great to one person may not necessarily feel great to another.
The best way to be great in bed is really not rocket science…..All you need to do either as a man or woman to be great in bed is……..(wait for it)……..(drum roll please)…….FIND OUT WHAT YOUR PARTNER LIKES AND DO IT!

Ah ah…you probably just looked at that and said ‘So is that the big revelation?’
Yes, it is.
Quite a number of people know that this is the way to go but the inability to follow through is what limits their sexual prowess.

As a man, you know she is not easily excited and requires extensive foreplay that involves you seducing her right from the beginning of the day just to get her mentally ready. You know you should send her some scintillating messages at work and follow up with a lot of kissing, fondling and sucking before she is ready to receive you but you decide to skip all that, give her a few kisses on her neck when you are both in bed and direct her hand straight to your throbbing penis. 3 minutes later, you are done and she is left feeling unsatisfied.
How exactly do you expect her to wax poetic about your sexual prowess and sing praises to high heavens in thanksgiving for her sex god?

Same applies to the woman, you know he wants you to be a little more adventurous in bed but all you do when he asks for sex, is position your rear end for some spooning or open your legs for him to enter and do the work. And you think to yourself, he asks and I give, surely I am better off than those that deny their husbands.
Are you really better off, though?

These are just some examples and will not always be the case. There are men who enjoy more foreplay than the average man and there are women who just want to go straight for the jugular…no foreplay, no wetness, they want dry entry before the wetness build ups.

What makes you a great lover is knowing what works for your spouse and putting in your time and effort to giving it to them that way.

Find out their preference. Is it vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, a combination of all three or do they like swirls with cherry on top? Your first step to becoming a great lover is to FIND out your partner’s preference, the next step is to get down to business and do it.

Hopefully, your partner does not want to do it in the belly of a whale.
P.S I have to state that if it is a practice that you don’t enjoy or a practice that can endanger your life, you reserve the right to say communicate your position and turn it down.
Till next time

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Olawunmi Esan is a trained Psychotherapist, who specializes as a Sex Therapist & Coach. She helps couples take Sexual Intimacy from Routine to Mind-blowing and has worked with over 1,000 individuals and couples to help them enjoy more fulfilling Intimacy and Sex lives. She is a founding member of The African Association of Professional Counsellors (ANEPCO) and the Founder of The Thriving Family, a Counselling Organisation working to promote positive and well balanced family life. You can learn more about her work HERE Olawunmi is married with children.


  1. Anonymous

    February 2, 2016 at 10:12 pm

    i kissed my boy friend the other day but it was strange i didn’t feel what i felt the last time we kissed before this and i just feel awkward because i don’t understand what happened and this has left ma disgusted about the whole sex issue but he doesn’t know this yet

    • bb

      February 3, 2016 at 12:07 am


    • ola

      February 3, 2016 at 1:26 am

      e get one aboki wey dey allen roundabout……e dey sell.

    • tobi

      February 3, 2016 at 4:24 pm

      LMAO!!! Make one yourself

    • Seriously

      February 3, 2016 at 8:21 pm

      What makes someone great in bed is, communication and exploration. What turns a man or woman on varies. For me, I have to be super clean same for him. Smelling fresh turns me on. I’m sensitive to smell, so it makes me feel very comfortable. Then touch me in places that I feel the most sensation. My ex was a boob man, so he took his time to caress, suck softly(please don’t bite) that will bring me from 100 to 0. That gets me so wet even when I wasn’t in the mood initially. He taught me things about my body. Current bf is a butt guy. He’s always eager to get down there. Not much of foreplay, sucking me down there doesn’t give me much sensation. We are working on it.

  2. Spunky

    February 2, 2016 at 10:44 pm

    Awaiting comments…drumrolllllll!!!

    • Seriously

      February 3, 2016 at 8:39 pm

      You both have to let the other person know what you like. My bf is more vocal than I am. And have the goal to please each other. I shouldn’t say, I want it slow but you do the opposite. I’m fighting for my dear life just bcos you think throwing, turning me anyhow, tying me up will almost choking me will turn me on. LISTEN CAREFULLY.

  3. Hawt Talk With Tosan

    February 2, 2016 at 10:53 pm

    Gbam! When it comes to sex people are so prude. We need to be more open, listen to needs, explore and do as much as we can to fulfil each-other’s sexual desires.

    Women too want MIND blowing sex so guys don’t just ram and pour. Make her feeeeeeel good and see if you will not have a happier life. LOL

  4. Tee

    February 2, 2016 at 11:34 pm

    As pastor will say. The only people that should be partaking are married couples. But when I was single and in the world! Lol. Sex is beautiful and amazing, if both partners know how to get each other off. I’m a squirted and for me to have an orgasms you have to go slow. You just can’t be beating by baby up. You gotta go real slow and from the back! Talk nasty to me . Pull my hair. Smack that ass. That’s why I got one right. Lol. Sorry for being explicit , I talk dirty to him too and that gets him off. He likes it’s fast. I like it slow. He takes care of me first and when I’m done, he hits that baby up so good. Beautiful, we are both satisfied. Sometimes I’m not in the mood! Duhh ! But I just throw some saliva (not after eating spicy food oh) you’ll be on your own! TMI. Vice versa if I’m not in the mood. He likes his nipples played with. I know how to get him. Sorry I was a bit too explicit

    • chi-e-z

      February 3, 2016 at 1:04 am

      well damn 😀 … goalzzz

    • californiabawlar

      February 3, 2016 at 3:34 am

      Oooooo boy!! You been dey write for BetterLover and/or Hints?!! Plenty people go need baff in cold holy water after reading this ya comment! Phewww!

    • Simi

      February 4, 2016 at 12:34 am

      Hints, sha? Where are those magazines these days?

    • The Cake Lady

      February 3, 2016 at 11:44 am

      You should get scented lube. Works wonders!

    • o

      February 3, 2016 at 5:50 pm

      where can one get in Lagos pls?

  5. DIddy

    February 2, 2016 at 11:42 pm

    What makes a spouse good in bed is like a question that has no answer, you might be going through stress and as we know wen faced with stress there is little or nothing we can do to spice up our sexual relationship, sex becomes an assignment instead of fun, we all have different ways to go about it, but it’s always good for both couples to bring up new ideas into the bedroom, ladies be open learn new styles and experiment it with ur man and guys for the fact that ur lady brings up something new, u don’t need to label her as a whore, she just wanna have fun cos it is not an examination

  6. Papacy

    February 3, 2016 at 12:20 am

    A partner that’s good in bed is a partner that is observant. You are aware how her body is responding to you and what you are doing that’s making her feel that way. Same with the lady. Don’t just lie there like wood and moan your life away, or wriggle your hips after my tongue is aching from all that head. Shake body madam! Mtchew I don vex sef?

    • dami

      February 3, 2016 at 5:54 am

      lmao papacy this is serious o

    • o

      February 3, 2016 at 5:52 pm

      buhahahahaha, if your tongue is aching, what of the ladies with aching jaws????….na both ways abeg…lol

  7. Author Unknown

    February 3, 2016 at 12:51 am

    Olawunmi Esan! Better drop that ‘Christian’ from your ‘Christian Marriage and Sex Coach’ title. Either ‘Marriage and Sex Coach’ or just “Sex Coach’ or simple ‘Sex” will be more befitting. LOL.
    Before you do that though, I have a question. Are there boundaries to the nature of sexual activity within a marriage from a Christian perspective?

    PS: Sex without intimacy is a waste of time.

    • Olawunmi Esan

      February 4, 2016 at 10:33 am

      * Smiles * Thank you for your comment. My title includes Christian because it is important that people I counsel know up front that I will counsel based on my values and tenets as a Christian. Also, being Christian should not stop me from having a ‘no holds barred’ approach to Sex. God is not uncomfortable with the expression of our sexuality when it is done right.

      In answer to your question, asides from very obvious sexual sins stated by the bible such as incest, bestiality, adultery (a threesome qualifies as adultery) etc, the limits of what a couple can do is entirely up to them. The bible says, ‘Can two walk together unless they agree?’ Amos 3:3

  8. SMH

    February 3, 2016 at 1:09 am

    I think porn movies and pornographic material has turned a lot of men into pounding machines, at the end of the day someone becomes sore. Think of sex like an amusement park, there are so many rides to choose from and so many sites to see, that when you get in you want time to slow down cos you really want to enjoy it. And its not every time you must insert the container, why not engage in some “fun-play”, and build up the momentum.

  9. Ifeyinwa Mic

    February 3, 2016 at 4:00 am

    Where are the comments? I love this topic because I feel like people should be more open about these things. Once dated a guy that SWORE that he was king in the sack. Poor guy had absolutely no clue what to do and he was almost 40! After my initial confusion, I tried to “help” him, but oga was NOT having it. Apparently no one had ever told him that he was terrible in bed or maybe they had and he chose not to listen. We didn’t last long. I am a firm believer that communication is key when it comes to bedroom activities. Listen and then ACT accordingly. Best lover was a guy that knew how to listen to my verbal and non-verbal cues and encouraged me to let my freak out. 🙂

    • Daybreak

      February 3, 2016 at 2:43 pm

      hey there Ifenyiwa! how are things with ur boo now?

    • Ifeyinwa Mic

      February 3, 2016 at 4:26 pm

      Hey, thanks for asking! Things are still the same. He hasn’t given me any time frame regarding a meeting with his parents. I’m applying for jobs in other countries, so we will see what happens if I get hired outside the US. I’ve decided to keep my options open. Whatever happens will happen. 🙂

    • Daybreak

      February 3, 2016 at 6:21 pm

      hope things work out for u. ultimately, i wish u happiness wateva the outcome may be. x

    • Ifeyinwa Mic

      February 3, 2016 at 6:39 pm

      cyber hug for you @Daybreak. Thanks a ton.

  10. meme

    February 3, 2016 at 4:27 am

    personally, i think both parties need to show each other what turns them on..bobo used to think i work like a switch! like i just get turned on instantly..after explaining to him the ways and areas I like to be kissed..that can put me in the mood sharply (if i’m not)..what positions i like etc,, i bug him too because I also want to know what pleases him.. he loves ear nibbling.. i find it ticklish so thts for him only..
    well, satisfying your partner means you guys need to be open about what you like.. your partner does not read minds.. let them know.

  11. melinda

    February 3, 2016 at 8:12 am

    Just passing…more comments please!!!

  12. Tee

    February 3, 2016 at 9:52 am

    Do you guys think size matters? What’s been your experience?

    • meme

      February 3, 2016 at 3:54 pm

      size matters but i think there are ways to make things better,, “dated” a big (er) guy and he had the tiniest penis..i think i only looked at it twice! (fear catch me lol) the sex was whack! foreplay was out of this world but that’s about it… tried telling him but didn’t know how (how do you tell a man his penis is small ? like he doesn’t know or he’s being oblivious ? :/) because he felt he was carrying yam between his thighs ..sigh.
      i think if you both love each other maybe you guys can accept that and work on ways to spark up your sex lives.. say toys et al ?

    • Ifeyinwa Mic

      February 3, 2016 at 4:33 pm

      This is such a tricky one. Size shouldn’t matter if the guy (and the gal) knows how to work with what he’s been given. There are some “big” guys that do the whole pound pound technique thinking that because they are large they will eventually hit the right spot. Errrmmm MBA! Best sex I ever had was with a guy with a smaller than average member. He knew exactly what to do and took his time to make sure that I was “ready”. I once dated a guy who was so tall and muscular only to find out that his fully erect member was about the size of my pinkie finger!! I kid you not! I think the shock from how disproportionate he was is what made me run away…lol. He might have been an amazing lover.

  13. ADANNA

    February 3, 2016 at 10:05 am

    okay……! for me a’ good” partner is one that can kiss like my body was a vanilla ice cream. I dnt have orgasm through penetration only foreplay. And by the way if u can not give “HEAD” dnt bother .As for the size matter my favorite quote is GO BIG OR GO HOME.

    • vae

      February 3, 2016 at 11:38 pm

      And my fiance is a body kisser and I’m not a fan of the act. Sometimes I think it even turns him on. I also don’t orgasm through penetration and I don’t enjoy sex at all just foreplay, I’m so scared this is going to be an issue in our marriage since le boo is very active and experienced.

  14. Aanuolu

    February 3, 2016 at 10:35 am

    don’t know if my hubby has a problem but he kip saying he doesn’t have any weak point, he’s just stiff and it just annoys me cos i have to touch n touch b4 he understands what i mean when he’s not making the attempt just that he rocks hard and well which i love,just don’t know what to do to get his weak point

  15. hmmm

    February 3, 2016 at 12:11 pm

    Lol. Had this lover who was well endowed down there, like big blessing but b4 you even touch the dick, the guy haff ejaculate be that and next thing na sleep and that time dem girls never get mind to form vex or help myself. Oloshi.

    • Mazi Okafor in Baltimore

      June 16, 2016 at 11:59 am


  16. MissCaramelD

    February 3, 2016 at 12:36 pm

    If couples can just park their egos aside and take time to listen to each other, intimacy will be off the charts!

  17. prince

    February 3, 2016 at 1:05 pm

    hmmmmmmm, I love this article because of one thing. I ENJOY LOVE MAKING. Its actually very important to observe your partner and know what he/she really likes.
    Sex is suppose to be enjoy by both partners not one person getting satisfy and the other isn’t. Above all, SEX is soooooooooo GOOD but please play SAFE.

  18. TeeS

    February 3, 2016 at 2:29 pm

    Lmao! Sorry. No oh I don’t write for hints. My mother will cringe if she ever knew her daughter wrote that. I’m just a very sexual person. And she isn’t getting none now cus she’s married to Jesus. So maybe it was the frustrations of not getting any in 6 months! Only 6 months kpere! I know. God will see me through

  19. PH Boy

    February 3, 2016 at 3:06 pm

    Any man who is patient & good with his tongue and hands can hold down any woman. ANY!!!

  20. Freak

    February 3, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    Sex is beautiful n shouldn’t be limited to the bedroom, freaks are not born, they’re made (spice it up and stop being stiff).
    With me, you’ve to worship the elders, accord them respect, go down and wash plate.
    Nigerian men don’t get the process involved at all, some just keeping attack the labia, there’s more to my vagina, who licks just the head of the mango, lick everything mehnnn.
    And don’t forget the fingers, it makes my vjay jay cry lol.
    I give great heads (he said it), tops 5mins and am not the “oooh you’re cuming n I pull out girl”, I make sure everything comes out and swallow (it has protein people) why some women spit, I don’t get, what is your partner disgusting.
    Now with the grinding, the rhythm should be fast and slow at the same time……….the experts understand this technique.
    And of course a lot of kisses and biting (i.e neck, lower lippy, nipple).
    What is it with guys n getting their nipples sucked, the moaning I get when I Suck on them is amazing. Satisfying your partner is a major ego boost mehnnn.
    Hehhehe, e don do ooo.
    #runsaway m

    • Ifeyinwa Mic

      February 3, 2016 at 4:39 pm

      Love your openness. 🙂

    • Zeeebby

      February 3, 2016 at 4:50 pm

      JESUS IS LORD……mummy must no hear all this oh….

    • oral issues

      February 4, 2016 at 2:35 am

      Sex is beautiful no doubt about that statement but must you both be sucking and licking each other’s private parts before you enjoy it? I don’t know why Nigerians are all about oral sex these days na so so copy copy oyinbo negative things??? Don’t you know that they are now advising against such sucking and licking of private parts because it causes oral cancer? Don’t you see it as a very unclean act to be putting your mouth in someone’s pants areas for goodness sake? I feel it is a very dirty act and how many private parts would you lick and suck before you find the one??? I can’t imagine kissing a guy whose mouths and tongue has been in so many women’s vaginas? Just saying? Please check up the latest sex health news about oral sex ( and for you swallowing sperm – I don’t know what to say honestly???

    • vane

      February 28, 2016 at 12:47 pm

      to everyman his own. so if you dont like it child gerraout and have several seats. Bible didnt condemn it so get off our case. How can the mouth smell pussy when u clean up after so chill. In between ,you can try having it on you bucket list, i bet your sexual life would never be the same again

  21. Ifeyinwa Mic

    February 3, 2016 at 4:26 pm

    Hey, thanks for asking! Things are still the same. He hasn’t given me any time frame regarding a meeting with his parents. I’m applying for jobs in other countries, so we will see what happens if I get hired outside the US. I’ve decided to keep my options open. Whatever happens will happen. 🙂

  22. o

    February 3, 2016 at 6:02 pm

    Hmmmm…..for me size does matter, but you have to know how to use your tool regardless of size. And again, I am not a quickie person, it has to be slow. Plenty foreplay before. that plate must be licked clean oo, if not I wont really get there.I am a communicator, I want it fast and rough, I say, slow and deep, I also say. Ppl must communicate more. but it seems some guys are not patient to indulge in adequate foreplay

  23. Fantasy

    February 3, 2016 at 9:04 pm

    So my current bf is my first and I haven’t really had the mind to go all the way like ever since we first had sex,I make sure he doesn’t cum,he just stays about twenty seconds I’m my v and I slide away cos guilty conscience won’t let me stay long (Lord pls forgive your daughter) He has been so sweet, he never whignes or gets angry cos he has Never cum like I make sure he doesn’t cos of the fear of getting pregnant lol however,his head game is outtta this world,I try to give him head too but my mouth aches after a while and he never cums quickly lol….the only ish I am worried about is that I am always too wet to enjoy the sex like its always too slippery but the friction is what’s supposed to make it enjoyable right ?

    • o

      February 3, 2016 at 11:07 pm

      sorry to burst your bubble, but you HAVE gone all the way!!!…whether he cums or not, once his P is in your V, na all the way be that oo. You either stop entirely, or kukuma enjoy it fully!

    • Ifeyinwa Mic

      February 4, 2016 at 1:50 am

      If you want to stop having sex, stop and don’t read the rest of this post.

      Friction is definitely a plus when it comes to sex. I’ve never heard of someone being “too wet”. Lubrication keeps things going for us gals! You could try other positions that would help with the friction (ex. close your legs while he’s on top). Another option would be to let him only lick the plate a bit just until you get a bit wet and then he can enter. Hope this helps.

  24. olalolo

    February 3, 2016 at 11:21 pm

    before before, i dont last long in bed, maximum 5 minute, not until i realized the cause, i have been watching porn and mansturbating for the past 10 years. i felt it wouldnt have effect, until i got married and i could not satisfy my wife sexually. i just stop being sexual when i cummed. but now i can go an hour without cumming, sometimes i – my wife without ejaculating self, except if i really want to cum and i would be hard as nail. what i did is i stopped watching porn by practicing no fap, i came accros a site on net capaingning for no fapping (no mansturbation) and i was really convinced. then i started exercising, and going to the gym everyweekend. thats just it

  25. Papacy

    February 4, 2016 at 1:34 am

    So there are girls that encourage the “just-put-it-in-don’t-move” style? So this thing isn’t a myth! How can he just enter n come out plus u will enjoy head, but ur mouth aches when it’s your turn to return the favour?! This is why people us the phrase “not compatible” to summarize their reasons for breaking up. Your man is 1 in a billion. Marry him o.

  26. lara Koleoluwa

    February 4, 2016 at 1:14 pm

    Awesome piece there! Basically for me, sex is communication too. The couple can’t know it all unless they communicate what works best for them as an individual and then they put into act. Never compare your spouse’ act in bed with what you see in porn.

  27. Ola

    February 4, 2016 at 3:03 pm

    @ifenyiwai mic lol, he won’t marry you, you are just a good lair, and the wild ,experimentiaon type,that is matter how liberal you formed…oh goodness me ,why does history always manage to repeat it self

    • Ifeyinwa Mic

      February 4, 2016 at 4:03 pm

      Ola, thanks for your comment but you have no idea what you’re talking about. Le boo and I haven’t had sex after more than a year of dating. Shocking isn’t it?! Not really. Ive lived and I’ve learned. My past is not my present dear. Please keep your negativity to yourself. Happy Thursday!

  28. Metche

    February 4, 2016 at 7:10 pm

    One thing I noticed is that tall and huge/fat men always have small penis, while average and short men have it big. I once dated a very short man but if you see what the man is carrying, mennh, you pick race. I like it big but not as big as that man’s own

    • vane

      February 28, 2016 at 12:48 pm

      sister some tall guys na gbosa o. like seriously.

  29. Ope

    March 10, 2016 at 5:49 pm

    @freak’s comments na die. @TeeS, mine is 8months and counting.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Tangerine Africa
Sign up on Netflix

Star Features