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Olawunmi Esan: Why You Should Have a ‘Friend With Benefits’

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dreamstime_l_31073527The term “friends with benefits” calls to mind two adults having consensual sex with no expectations or romantic strings attached.

Today, I am redefining it. Indulge me.

Let’s start by dissecting the individual words.
A friend is someone with whom you can share your innermost thoughts with, someone with whom you feel free to be yourself, someone with whom you can unburden your mind and share your hopes, dreams and fears with.

What are benefits? Benefits are advantages or gains that accrue to you from a relationship be it a business relationship, employer-employee relationship or a romantic relationship amongst others.

Based on the above, having a friend with benefits would mean having someone with whom you can unreservedly and unashamedly express yourself and still reap great advantages from.

Who in his or her sane mind would tell you not to have a friend with benefits? As a matter of fact, if you are married and don’t have a friend with benefits, you should be flogged.

Now hold on…just before you run out there to get one, allow me land properly.

One of the most commonplace advice that people receive when getting married is to see their spouse as a friend, unfortunately, many disregard this advice.

Marriage shouldn’t only be about what each person brings to the table. It shouldn’t only be about the kids, house chores, balancing the books and making ends meet.

Marriage should be about friendship. It should be about having gist for each other asides from what bills to be paid. It should be about enjoying each other’s company. It should be about mutual respect. It should be about being happy to see each other after a long day at work. It should be a fountain of refreshment not a bed of sorrow.

A lot of people focus on other benefits that come with marriage, such as the status change, having kids, sharing the financial burden, finally getting people who have been asking them 21 questions off their back, however, they fail to see and take advantage of one of the greatest benefits of being married, which is having a friend to share life with.

Think about it. Do you treat your spouse like a friend? If we had to compare, do your friends get better treatment from you than your spouse does?

Is your relationship strictly functional or does it have the easy camaraderie that comes with being friends?

If you are an unfriendly spouse, trust me, whatever benefits you currently enjoy from the marriage are crumbs compared to what you should be receiving.

Imagine how much better your woman would treat you if you showed her a little more love, care and attention, if you showed her how much you value her opinions and made a conscious effort to spend quality time with her.

Imagine how much better your man would treat you if you gave him more respect, love and attention, if you gave him his place as a man and still made him feel that your arms are always open and ready to receive him whenever he needs you.

Imagine how much better your home environment would be for yourself, your spouse and the kids.

Imagine how much better your sex life would be. Imagine how much easier it would be to freely communicate how you like to be pleasured in bed. Imagine how much pleasure you could receive and give.

No awkwardness, no inhibition, just the freedom to be totally naked and unashamed before each other.

Just the way it was meant to be.

Think about it. Would you rather just be married or would you rather be married to a friend with benefits?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Olawunmi Esan is a trained Psychotherapist, who specializes as a Sex Therapist & Coach. She helps couples take Sexual Intimacy from Routine to Mind-blowing and has worked with over 1,000 individuals and couples to help them enjoy more fulfilling Intimacy and Sex lives. She is a founding member of The African Association of Professional Counsellors (ANEPCO) and the Founder of The Thriving Family, a Counselling Organisation working to promote positive and well balanced family life. You can learn more about her work HERE Olawunmi is married with children.

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