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Busola Idowu: After the Chase… Ctrl + Shift

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dreamstime_l_42573597In some relationships especially after marriage there is a certain shift in behaviour. Lemme try to explain. You know how the guy is all in and dedicated to wooing the girl and trying to convince her to enter into a relationship with him? He does all he can to satisfy her every need. Before she even sneezes he’s there with a hanky. He wipes her sweaty face, loves her disheveled look etc. He goes to great lengths to spend time with her. He promises heaven on earth (and almost delivers.) He’s so dedicated to effective communication which includes constantly calling to check up and in fact keeping her apprised of his every move (at lunch with friends, business meetings with clients etc).

All of a sudden when she agrees to date him or even get married, the tables turn. She becomes the one making all the calls, checking up on him, finding out his every move etc. He begins to describe her as a monitoring spirit i.e. she doesn’t give him space, she’s too clingy.

Why does this happen exactly? Is it as the saying goes, ‘the thrill is in the chase?’ Countless examples abound.

Before Moji and Dan got married, he worshipped the very ground she walked on (truly). Every known love epithet was the description of their story. And he made sure everyone knew about it. Their relationship was definitely worth emulating. They hung out together, watched soccer at viewing centres, went clubbing, to church, weddings, shows and every conceivable occasion together. Well, that was until they got married and he steadily reversed his prior strong points. He would call to ‘inform’ her that he was hanging out with the boys after work or that they going to watch a match. Even weekends were not spared, suddenly he was attending that colleague’s wedding with the guys from the office and she was not invited.

I was totally confused as to why a guy who wanted to spend every waking moment with his girlfriend was suddenly feeling too cooped up after the marriage and now wanted every spare moment away from her.

In fact, she was now the one chasing him upandan the country. Sometimes, if she didn’t call him the whole work day, she could be sure that he also wouldn’t too (the same guy who would call her at least thrice at work each day). And in her defence, she was just too used to the consistent information sharing that going cold turkey led to a huge change in their relationship dynamics.

I mean isn’t this a pure case of ‘see finish’? He had attained and claimed the prize (her) and had become complacent and over-confident in her love and devotion to him. He was so sure that she wasn’t going anywhere and this informed, in my opinion, his very laid back approach to communication.

I know quite a number of guys fall in this category and maybe even some ladies but we all need to understand that the chase does not should not end only because we are now married. In every relationship, there is a need to create a balance. In as much as it is important to maintain individual freedom to do as you please (me-time), there’s still a place for constantly keeping in touch. It makes your partner feel good when there’s prior information of movements and also inclusion in different activities not just the usual ‘couple-stuff’.

Marriage is as much hard work as any other endeavour you undertake in life and it requires just as much attention and dedication to making it work.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Busola Abayomi-Adebayo is a lawyer, public servant and occasional writer. she's passionate about information and just about anything newsworthy. Follow her on twitter @busolaidowu'

55 Comments

  1. kinda awkward

    March 17, 2016 at 11:29 am

    According to Kevin A. Thompson, if your dog or husband runs, don’t chase him.

    • Oluwabusola Adedire

      March 17, 2016 at 11:39 am

      This is a crucial lesson every woman will come to learn.

    • Nahum

      March 17, 2016 at 3:16 pm

      Gbammest! A stray dog always finds his way home after facing the harshness on the street

    • NIRA

      March 18, 2016 at 12:21 pm

      A stray dog might be taken in by a stranger and fed, then he forgets his home.

    • RWW6

      March 17, 2016 at 8:13 pm

      The ladies go on about what they thought marriage would be like versus what it actually is. Are expectations ever met or are hopes dashed when one enters marriage?

      soundcloud.com/rww6/things-i-wish-i-knew

  2. Respect

    March 17, 2016 at 11:31 am

    I am going through exactly the same thing in my relationship and its just a yr.
    Met this guy thru a friend but he lives outside the country. Before we even met physically he already wanted us to start a relationship. Had to slow it down.
    He wld bb, call me especially before I sleep at nite. For me to even get off d phone to take a bath. He wld say I shld hurry up, he wld give me just 30mins and he’s waiting. Infact d love was too much.

    He visited Nigeria we started dating officially, things went on well during his visit. Few fight here and there, but we wld settle. Visited few more times.
    Now its a year, it seems im d one now chasing him. Can count d amount of time he’s called. I do majority of d calling, texting now. Even on his last visit, he was always busy busy busy, just spent few days 2geda. Dou he was here for work, so I tried to be understanding, but d lack of communicatn was beginning to bother me.
    Iv complained so many times, Now he sees me as a nagging woman, raving mad woman. All I do is complain, he even tries to avoid me smtimes, bcos he feels all we do now is fight.
    I asked if there’s smone else, he says No. But who knows, we are in different continents.
    I just decided I need to give him space, or kinda we’v decided to give eachoda space. I don’t want smone stinking im clingy and desperate.

    I’m going visiting soon and hope to have a one on one discussion. Iv noticed men get irritable when you try n have a serious conversation over d fone.
    I hope it doesn’t signal d end of d r’ltshp. But I need my self-respect back mehnnnn.

    • Dear respect

      March 17, 2016 at 12:55 pm

      You asked if there was someone else….were you expecting a ‘yes ‘??
      Booboo,it’s hard but just take some chill pills. Relationships shouldnt be one-sided. It takes two people to make it work. If he isn’t as keen as you are,my dear save yourself the heartache and channel the energy elsewhere. You are worth more than this.

    • Sierra

      March 17, 2016 at 1:42 pm

      I totally agree with you. He should respect you enough to be honest with you. All the best with everything. Self respect is key.

    • Lauryn

      March 17, 2016 at 1:59 pm

      Dear Respect,
      I felt a strong urge to respond to your comment and I hope you get to read it. I am slightly in the same shoes. My boyfriend lives across the continent and I couldn’t help but compare our situations. The only difference is that I ensure that he stays chasing me.
      I don’t mean any harm by comparing our relationships but I hope you see the logic beyond my comparison.
      This might sound harsh but I think the reason he drew back was because he might have had doubts about whether or not it was you he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. It might have been something u said or did, how you acted or it might just be from him.
      I strongly suggest that you begin to adjust your mind to the the thought of never being with him. regardless of your age right now.
      They say love is like a butterfly. Hold too tightly and you will crush it. Don’t go after him. I REPEAT… DON’T. Don’t travel for the sole purpose of seeing him and finding clarity. That’s partly his job and if he has no interest in resolving things or doesn’t realise your relationship is falling apart, then let it go.
      I broke up with my boyfriend and he immediately took a surprise trip out to see me just for the weekend. That was him saying, “I love you and I cannot let you go”
      If a man cannot fight for your love he is not worth the trouble. Move on in your mind because as they say a man’s love depreciates after marriage whilst a woman’s increases. You want to be sure that years after marriage, the love you both express can level up. But how can it level up when his love was below yours to start with?
      Dear respect. I am passionate enough to write this epistle because of how strongly I feel about your problem. Again I plead with you. Be calm, pray and move on in your mind. If it’s not him, you will find a man who is willing to fight for you.
      NO MAN IS EVER TOO BUSY FOR A WOMAN HE TRULY LOVES.

    • Green

      March 17, 2016 at 7:58 pm

      Thank you girl!

    • bunmi

      March 18, 2016 at 10:50 am

      Dear Lauryn,
      Ori e wa nbe joor! (Your head dey dere!)

    • serene

      March 17, 2016 at 11:17 pm

      In my humble opinion, you do not need to travel to another continent to get ur self-respect back. you can give it to urself right where you are. The hand writing is on the wall, read it and give yourself peace. Painful, I know but better than allowing someone corrode ur self esteem gradually. u will be fine. if he notices that u are misreading the hand writing…my dear, he will come to tutor u. till then, keep your head high and breath

    • des

      April 4, 2016 at 4:33 pm

      you don begin folo am sleep. that is the major cos of the change. that’s men for you. am experienced too.

  3. ChicksandTricks

    March 17, 2016 at 11:42 am

    Very nice right up Busola… But the ultimate question is after the chase has been done and the relationship or marriage has been attained, one party becomes lazy to keep up with the chase, what is the other party to do? Do you act like you are not bothered too, then the other person chases again or continues to chase? Because some people like to put a lot of work into someone who doesn’t fully care, so they get more of their attention. or Do u show that you appreciate the ‘former chase’ by chasing the ‘chaser’ back, so he feels appreciated then he ‘chases’ again? so what’s the deal?

    • Oluwabusola Adedire

      March 17, 2016 at 12:09 pm

      Let me make a disclaimer, I am going to make a sweeping generalisation here *Men love challenges * or at least *someone who can hold their own*. Which kind of defies common sense because connection is found in needing people and being vulnerable. I am not sure if it is down to biology or socialisation but I have noticed that majority of men do pull away at some point and it is left for the woman to handle it with maturity and grace. When you start chasing a man who is withdrawn, you blow up your chances royally. Let him make the decision if he wants to stay or leave… In the mean time, do you. And if it is causing you too much headache, step!

    • Busola Idowu

      March 17, 2016 at 1:18 pm

      Yes oh! Namesake…. na real step 🙂 but you know stepping would be difficult in marriage…

    • Busola Idowu

      March 17, 2016 at 1:10 pm

      Thanks dear! You are so right

    • Wanderlust _Trekeffect

      March 17, 2016 at 1:12 pm

      ” Do u show that you appreciate the ‘former chase’ by chasing the ‘chaser’ back, so he feels appreciated then he ‘chases’ again?”
      Lmao??? you really thought out the dynamics. Too much chasing going on there it’s starting to sound like Grand Theft Auto V.

  4. ardnas

    March 17, 2016 at 11:52 am

    you are so right! i dont know why it happens, this very issue gives me cold feet when i think off marriage. Me i shaa know that he that breaks the hedge, the serpent will bite.

  5. I love my husband

    March 17, 2016 at 11:55 am

    Im married 4 years and truthfully my husband doesn’t chase me as much as he did when he was “toasting” me, but I have never doubted his love, I just think its a guy thing, they see everything in life as a goal, so when he was chasing you, you were a goal at that time, and when he marries you, he feels he has achieved that goal in his life..and he moves on to the next goal..building a house or whatsoever. Women need to understand the dynamics of how a man and a woman think else you will be getting unnecessarily agitated. As long as there are no warning signs of infidelity and neglect in him in the marriage, he probably still loves you, just not in the way you want to be loved. When we were dating, my husband would send me a text every time of the day, call, mushy talks etc, but few years into marriage, the messages don’t come that often, but I know that guy loves me to pieces, he shows it in other plenty ways, just that things are not as “mushy” as before and when I want the “mushy”, I go for it, I make the move, and he always reciprocates..so if he’s not chasing, doesn’t mean he’s not into you anymore, he’s just a guy. And well, you can initiate the chase again, im sure if he loves you, he will reciprocate. Love and marriage is a beautiful thing…it just takes a lot of hardwork from the 2 individuals, do the work and you will get the results..especially when you love and fear God together. Selah:)

    • Busola Idowu

      March 17, 2016 at 1:15 pm

      You are very right. Especially the realization that both parties have work to do to ensure the relationship works.

    • Cindy

      March 17, 2016 at 2:39 pm

      The thing is, when we men learn to understand us too? He needs his space, I need the attention. Both of us need to strike a balance if the marriage must work.

    • sammiewolf

      March 17, 2016 at 3:36 pm

      whoever you are, I luuuuuv u for this response…God keep your marriage o jare!

    • Cynical

      March 17, 2016 at 9:05 pm

      @ilovemyhusband,this is a solid comment. I totally agree with you. The truth is even women ‘relax’ a bit after marriage. There are other things to focus on,the ‘I want to marry’ box has been ticked so on to other things.

    • Dee

      March 17, 2016 at 11:58 pm

      This reminds me of my own beef with le boo. One day before marriage, he said he’d like to learn how to make my hair so he can help. Well almost 3 years after marriage, he is yet to learn cos “it seems toooo hard, he is sure he won’t get it…blah blah blah”, without even trying..

      But does he love me? chaaaaaaiiiiiii, the love is no
      so truly somethings only happen in the heat of the chase, but love may still be around, even after the chase

  6. Ada

    March 17, 2016 at 12:21 pm

    Nice one Bee! Meanwhile what I have found out works, is taking a step back when he takes a step back. My man once asked me on a Sunday when I was going to go back to my house (I had come to visit him then). I was in shock! :0 I couldn’t get over my shock and surprise so I left his house and stayed away for over 2 weeks. Bobo came apologizing and begging o. Said I was taking it to the extreme and overdoing it. So my own strategy is, when he feels like he wants to do his own thing, I will go and be doing my own thing too. Nobody run after anybody, we both come back when we have received enough air, mostly when he has received enough air.

    • Busola Idowu

      March 17, 2016 at 1:11 pm

      well said babes! Every relationship is a dual effort.

  7. nene

    March 17, 2016 at 12:41 pm

    i think women should also put in effort if the guys stops doing the things he used to do before, and if he doesn’t change, then have an honest conversation with him about it. if he still doesn’t change, occupy yourself with other things and don’t stay fixated on him, you can even breakup up with him or divorce him. ain’t nobody got time!

  8. Nammy

    March 17, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    Well said, now all we need is tips on how to suatain the chase, whose duty it is to keep the chase going and the likes.

  9. beard gang

    March 17, 2016 at 1:16 pm

    Of course women don’t change, they are true to type and perfect! Busola Idowu you have done a very fantastic Job in pointing this out, I mean women have no weaknesses. Men please take note, ‘keep chasing your wives or girlfriends’ and women keeping showing us our mistakes! love bellanaija

    • Cindy

      March 17, 2016 at 2:42 pm

      Oga, everything is not a gender war. Take a chill pill! Look at the comments and see women advising one another on what to do. Where did you see anyone insulting you? Gush! You have such a fragile ego.

    • beard gang

      March 17, 2016 at 3:19 pm

      You have such a solid ego

    • Green

      March 17, 2016 at 8:03 pm

      Hunnay, we’ve had enough of the “How to keep your man” tips so, let’s bask in the temporal reprieve of this article…Thanks?

  10. Jagbajantis

    March 17, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    Nobody can chase you forever.

    That only happens in the movies, but they dont tell you what happens after the credits roll

    • Cynical

      March 17, 2016 at 9:06 pm

      @jagbagantis,y serve us the cold hard truth like that na.
      Na lie,my husband must chase me forever just like in the movies……lol

  11. Olu

    March 17, 2016 at 1:51 pm

    Goes both ways…….some tend to relax when they ‘conquer’.

    It is human nature ..don’t put this on one gender.

  12. Tolu

    March 17, 2016 at 2:03 pm

    Hope this is not an opportunity for side chicks or quick deliveries to start saying ” he’s not putting in more effort”.
    Abeg park well because the due owner has decided to hold closely unto her package.

    • Nahum

      March 17, 2016 at 3:23 pm

      LMAO!!!! ??? Side chicks stay trying to sneak in comments looking for advice on how to destroy marriages. Just teasing o!!!

  13. Margy Otiato

    March 17, 2016 at 2:37 pm

    Love must be tougher on gals, huh! Understanding men is important but having a relationship with God is the best. God gives you all the love unconditionally so that a man’s love won’t blow you away and you will not give him much room to hurt you with his wild goose chase. As gals we often trust too soon and give ourselves away too fast. Sometimes we need an uncle like Laban who will manage and control the love, and put it to task over a reasonable period of time ( 7yrs and another 7yrs) before this guy can have us. Not exactly this way but find a way to check this new found burning love for you, so they are held accountable not just by you only. Love takes time, it’s not a sprint. Girls can set the standards high to attract guys who will commit for the long haul. Share your expectations and experiences before you engage seriously. Highly price or value yourself gal. Hope this counts….

  14. Favour

    March 17, 2016 at 2:51 pm

    Any experienced girl will advise a girl to relax and just allow the guy breathe and space if he needs to, 99% of the time when a woman is pushed to chase a guy and the guy is hesitant, he hasn’t made his mind up about you, he may love you but not sure… Leave him let him make his decision don’t influence his decision by showing more caring and loving attitude, use that opportunity to talk to new friends and be at peace with yourself and most importantly pray if he is yours he will reset his mood, if not let it go. My advice

  15. Mzphunby

    March 17, 2016 at 2:56 pm

    God bless u for this piece, am going through this in my relationship. It’s 1.6 years, long distance and the communication isn’t as it used to be. Bae keeps giving different excuses and me am tired, no chemistry again, no nothing! Have stopped giving myself headache about it,dunno wat to do.

  16. beauty

    March 17, 2016 at 3:32 pm

    I’m not married yet, who will marry me?

    • adrian

      March 20, 2016 at 1:22 am

      I wlll..Tell me where you are,so I can come get you!

  17. Kokoro Dudu

    March 17, 2016 at 4:19 pm

    It’s very simple – demand and supply. If a girl supplies too much attention to a man’s demand, the value goes down. So it’s a classic case of see finish. Let the girl stop calling and caring and watch the dude rush back. We girls will never learn though

  18. anon*****

    March 17, 2016 at 4:22 pm

    As they say no need to campaign after elections have been won. My advice 2 can play the game. If he acts differently, shift your attention too. Simple else you’ll end up with a headache.

  19. Babycakes

    March 17, 2016 at 5:22 pm

    What’s this talk about. Everyone supplying solution of walking away or reducing the love if it’s a relationship. Okay, but what is the solution if it’s marriage. Do you walk away too or reduce the love? what if you are someone that loves attention, and the lack of it, makes you stray into the hands of another unwavering attention.

    • Margy Otiato

      March 17, 2016 at 6:27 pm

      You can spice up the relationship. Find out what attracted him or her and use it to rekindle the fire. Be creative, do something different and new to sustain the relationship. Invest for long term gains, patiently and prayerfully, seek advice. Avoid pressure and anxiety, be tactful. There is always a way where there is a will. Focus on positives, invest time and resources in relationship, even lovers need a break, so find new things to engage in but that won’t jeopardize the relationship. Give each other space respectfully.

    • Abby

      March 17, 2016 at 6:29 pm

      For marriage, you have to be extra careful because you can fall into unwavering attention like you mentioned. The best thing to do is pick a hobby. Find something to do, hang out with your girlfriends. Don’t rant or nag at your hubby. Ask him about his day, if you sense he needs his space, give it to him. Go back to doing the things you love to do. Find yourself, find a hobby. Your husband will come back to you.

  20. Gorgeous

    March 17, 2016 at 8:58 pm

    Honestly dear’s. Please and please, do not get married or sustain a relationship with someone that is emotionally unstable. If they are not doing what they should. Please leave them alone. While leaving them, tell them why. Dont turn yourself into a gamster for attentions. Love should not take such an effort. Sustaining a relationship requires equal commitment. Your partner should never play games with you. Please. All relationships that this happened ended up badly. I learnt my lesson. Now if there is a childish and unnecessary BUT, i walk away.

  21. Ope

    March 17, 2016 at 9:41 pm

    You can only keep someone who wants to stay. Then,your efforts are going to yield the desired positive results and reciprocated.

  22. kemi

    March 18, 2016 at 10:20 am

    I have being married for about 3 years now, dated my husband for 5 years before marriage. We are blessed with a beautiful daughter; as soon as i had the baby I noticed some changes in our relationship. He was out most of the time with his boys, attending lots of weddings alone, travelling alone and all. I tried to complain but he said I was nagging. I just decided that I was going to ignore him like he doesnt exist. And guess what it worked wonders!!! If he says he’s hanging out I also do the same, I go out to watch movies with the gals, I don’t dull urselff now he is the one always uncomfortable when I am stepping out. LOL, abeg don’t dull yourself, if he goes out, go as well. Life is too short to start chasing one man up and down town.

  23. Ever Green

    March 18, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    Ladies,
    You are so right, i remember last year after dating my boo for 3 months he tried silence mode with me, i called 4-6 times in two weeks, i just decided to let go cause I was treated like that before in a previous relationship and I am prepare to chase any one, not even him (may be experience don make my eyes tear sha) I just ignore the him fast forward 3 weeks of constant silence, he called and told me he is checking up on him, i just told him thank you but thank God it worked but even if it does not I will just count my loss and keep taking my fura de nunu until when Baba God decides to dash me another bobo. Well one thing i observe is that when you are growing older especially relationship levels, somethings no go fit shock u again.

  24. Busola Idowu

    March 18, 2016 at 9:09 pm

    Thanks for all the contributions. I’ve definitely learned one or two things. Even though this article leans towards men, I realise that as a wife/girlfriend, there’s a tendency to see finish also after a while and it takes constant effort to remain *in like *in love* in touch and* in respect *.
    May God help us all 🙂

  25. YoungPreacher

    March 19, 2016 at 1:07 am

    Nice write up dear busie.. and “I love my husband”‘s comment summarises what I would have said…

  26. write-up

    March 19, 2016 at 6:33 pm

    To chase or not to chase? based on experience, i would say a little bit of both. Or what i termed a “Reminder”, yes a Reminder. You see when you are in a committed relationship, marriage or you are engaged….and it seems like your better half is not putting in an effort in the relationship, then you remind that partner why both of you are in this relationship in the first place. It could be the exact place both of you met, it could be a song you both share, your first kiss, something! There is always a memory that both of you created that always takes you back. If that does not work you might want to bring in a trusted third party….i know some of you would not like this one. (I recommend a pastor) no immediate or extended family, truth me. If non of these work then you would have to resign to hope…Yes Hope….hope that one day they will come back. But then again there is always the last and most effective approach which is prayer…..i know….but it does actually work (story for another day, another time) and in closing what ever you do, never threaten to leave….because it could backfire….why? you can only really use it once. Keep hope alive and Pray.

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