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Dog House with Esco: Conversations with a Babe




dreamstime_l_55892491Having deep but flirty conversations with a chic is a 2nd heaven. I have heard it said that a good conversation is like a mini skirt – short enough to pique interest, but long enough to cover the subjects.

My buffoonish older cousin used to say that girls are more moved by what they hear than what they see. Cousin once walked up to a lass who was sipping “mineral” in a greasy spoon joint on a hot Surulere evening and said “Oh you like Fanta too? Let me buy you more later na”.

He was staring at her tangerines as he said that, but the quirkiness of what he said and how it came out made her laugh. They scheduled a meet-up for the next evening.

Another time, he saw this sweet looking PYT (Pretty Young Thing) at a crowded store opening event, and he pretended to be texting on his phone as he approached her “I don’t have time to toast you now, give me your number so that I can continue later.”

She gave him her Glo, MTN and Etisalat phone numbers. 0809-419-69696……

He got a reality check when his bank transferred him to its PH branch, and he had to tango with the “runs girls” brigade.

Truth be told, it is one thing getting a chic’s phone number, but it is another thing to vibe with her enough to lead to something epic between the two of you. As Buhari is finding out now, it is not about just receiving the go-ahead; it is about what you do with it.

Women are perceptive as hell. I keep telling my friends that women have menfolks in their pockets but we don’t know it yet. Just pray that it is their breast pocket.

If a girl is feeling your “steelo”, even the corniest words you say land like gems plucked from Shakespearian chapters.

You know you hit pay dirt when she giggles at your innuendos – even if you and her know that you just spouted gibberish –balderdash – opata. At that point, she is laughing “for” you. Hint – laughing for you, is a better place to be in than laughing at you. Laughing on you is not bad… if it is done on a mattress.

Some chics like being told true lies.

That is not my style though, if I am into the chic! Esco is not the type to bring sand to the beach. A man of passions, I say exactly what I feel, even if I stand to lose and snooze.

I was always the type to buy a blank birthday card and write my own words in them; I feel the wording in most commercial cards are lame.  Then, I go on to write something incredibly goofy like: “Violets are red, roses are blue. Dang look at what thinking of you made me do.”

Sometimes it’s something slick that I picked off some obscure alternative rock tune:  “I can move mountains / I can part seas as long as you love me.

Sometimes I get invited up to the girl’s place for “coffee”; sometimes I get left standing there with my mouth full of kopiko.

Esco is that one dude who would ask a chic he is into this on the second day: “So baby how do you feel about me? Does your world know about me?”

You see, with a new chic who I am feeling, my sense of taste gets heightened over that of sight, smell and touch. I literally want to taste her. When I am not permitted to physically lick her, as I would like, (that would constitute harassment), I utilize the allure of words, including open-ended questions that facilitate a back and forth interactions and that can relax the most prudish maidens. Sometimes, it is to get her to talk about herself – which females love to do to certain degrees.  Other times, it is just to get to know her better. Oh, and I don’t ask anything that I am not able to answer myself.

Of course words do not always give the full picture, as lies can be initially told, and then trust, love and mutual respect can fade. However, you could tell a lot about a person from their response to and evasion of questions. Even an answer to something as needless as “how was your night” could tell you a lot about a chick.

I will give some samples:

What kind of things make you laugh?

What is the meaning of your name? Or how did you come up with your nickname/profile name?

What is the biggest misconception about you?

What would you do with a million dollars?

Who are you closest to in your family?

Are you daddy’s dearest? Or is your family looking to unload you quickly onto the first suitor’s hands? Don’t let her mum carry your surname to her coven o.

What is your favorite break up song?

This is a good, if not foolproof, way to measure emotional balance. It is all in the lyrics, lads. Basically my concern here is that if it does not work out with us, she is not the psycho “Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction” type that would slash my Honda Accord tires, and pour Jik on all my gear. That she would not make my life a living hell, by dragging my name through a “pap” smear campaign about my “staying power”, or conspire with the vulcanizer to kill me dead in my pajamas. Or bathe me with acid from an Everstart car battery because I cancelled our engagement.

Fellas, if her top break up tune is Kelis’s “I Hate You”, take flight like Jacob.
The lyrics of that song read like a horror motion picture: “So sick of your games / I will set your truck to flames/…Drive me so far up the wall/ I come sliding down/

It may not alarm me that much if her favorite break-up jam is Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable”:

You must not know about me/ You must not know about me / I can have another you in a minute/ Matter of fact, he will be here in a minute, baby/

This is because, as bad as you say I am, you are boasting about how you could have another me in a hot minute? So you would basically make the same mistake twice, dating my kind. Woman, you are accident-prone, carry on.

Personally my favorite break-up tune is “Hopeless” by Train. Go have a listen on YouTube, but the words go: But you don’t need my pictures on your wall / You say you need no one /And you don’t need my secret midnight call / I guess you need no one / Is anybody waiting at home for you?

So, back to the questions you can use to carry on conversations with your babe:

What is your favorite romantic movie? Are you heartless romantic? Or a closet freak with no time for sweet nothings? Do you believe that love always has a tragic end, and that Romeo must die like in “Titanic” where Leonardo took a cold bath?

By the way, I have seen Love Actually more than 15 times. And Notting Hill is a classic. I am a sucker for love, what can I say?

Money, Power or Respect – Which is the most important to you? (This may give an insight on her values and expectations of life.) Money, Power or Respect – Trump, Sai Baba or Wole Soyinka?

For me, respect is everything as it is the only one of the above that can only be earned the hard way. Unfortunately, it gets the least tail. And then certain people only respect Naira notes or the use of brute force.

What is the one place in the world you wished you lived in? I really find it hard to answer this one though. If my village in Imo State could have 24 hours power and WiFi, then I would reside there in a heartbeat. It is picturesque with fresh breeze, palm trees and red soil, but nothing beats being woken up in the morning by the sweet chirping of nnunu, a native robin bird. Tutututututututut….fiakwa!!!

Oh by the way, a new Shoprite Mall is being built about 35 minutes from my hamlet. More escalators to ride. Yay!

What is your favorite thing to do when you are totally alone? Fellas, pay good attention to this one – you will learn plenty from what is unsaid. If she says “nothing”, hail her…

What was your favorite childhood toy?

What is your dream date? (Would she be up for a rock climbing expedition to the hills of Nkalagu, or does a dream date for her only equal fast-food and a cinema film at Silverbird. Or YouTube and chill?)

How would you answer these questions?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Fellow Nigerians, it is with the utmost pride and sincerity that I present these memoranda as a living testament and recollection of history in the making during our generation.Preamble: Esco is a lampoonist, content provider for hire, and convener of the blog Literati: Satires On Nigerian Life, which is a symposium to project the conditions of every Nigerian and inspire young people all over the world. He is currently working on his memoirs “The Great, Wonderful Adventures of Esco”, which will be available in 2016. Esco can be reached for scripting writing, ghost writing and editing work by email at [email protected] Oh, and he occasionally tweets at @Escowoah.


  1. olaf!

    March 17, 2016 at 1:16 pm


  2. Mr. Egghead

    March 17, 2016 at 1:32 pm

    Kai! Esco haf corrupt me today.
    Now all I can think of is how the future Mrs. Egghead will put me in her breast pocket.

    • Future Mrs Egghead-maybe?

      March 18, 2016 at 9:17 am

      I promise to put you in my breast pocket forever! ??

  3. Tosin

    March 17, 2016 at 1:37 pm

    fun stuff 🙂

  4. Spunky

    March 17, 2016 at 1:46 pm

    I’ll sit this one out while I await comments.* pops baba blue sweet and strolls away…

  5. Kechy

    March 17, 2016 at 1:46 pm

    Hahahahahahaha! This was an absolute fun read… When I met the ex, the first thing I said and I quote was; “Dude, I want adventure”. I was a late bloomer (if i do say so myself). First kiss at 23, first boyfriend at 23, fun seeker at 23… So excuse me if all I wanted was to have epic stories of mountain climbing, bungee jumping, visit to snake island (errmn, maybe not…lol) attending live shows and plenty groovy fun stuff… We did none of that (well to be fair, we did have substitutes for some of these). It was fun while it lasted…

    So what’s a dream date for me? I know I want plenty of time to gist! I love conversations. Just freaking say something! lol! I’m up for attending live shows and also exploring new terrains… I had once invited a “date interest” on a local inter-state train ride adventure. The way he looked at me like i was crazy said it all!

    • Majestic

      March 17, 2016 at 2:31 pm


    • Oghenebiko

      March 17, 2016 at 8:51 pm

      Osheee..Late bloomer. No be only…mcheew

  6. Karashika

    March 17, 2016 at 2:17 pm

    Aren’t u married Esco? Face Ur wife

  7. Zikky

    March 17, 2016 at 2:34 pm

    This was a good read Esco . Always look forward to your articles though I rarely comment.

    My friends think I am weird that for first date, I always invite a guy either to the library or for walks in a park. My reasoning is , I don’t want you to waste my time or money n vice versa. I want to find out if we hv any common interest Bf we go sit in some fancy restaurant looking like two lost people. So the library for me is because I love reading, mostly fiction Bt I dabble in the other genres often. I want to see what kinds of books he gravitates towards if any at all, if he is up for a good time regardless of environment,seeing as some people consider libraries to be boring and if he can be discreet n yet engaging bc you don’t need to be loud in the library.

    For the park, I love the outdoors or nature. This is perfect place to get to know who he is as we would basically just talk and find out about each other. I will be looking to see how free he is, if he enjoys nature too bc that somehow means he likes the simple things in life n isn’t so complicated. Plus,I feel out there is the perfect place for us to be ourselves, no pressure from the surroundings.

    If after this we both feel there is something, the second date can then take any form. I once had a guy look at me crazy when I invited him to the library for the first date. He came alright but kept wanting us to go outside n talk. I am like dude, you no pass the test. Waka de go jejestically n that was that. Oh well, this is longer than I wanted it to be already. Sorry oooh.

  8. AwkwardFromBirth

    March 17, 2016 at 3:30 pm

    Will wait to read funny/crazy comments when i’m about to retire to my bed 😀

  9. Magz

    March 17, 2016 at 4:04 pm

    “When I am not permitted to physically lick her, as I would like, (that would constitute harassment)” Lmao!!!

    Esco, nice one. One of my major turn ons is a guy who can carry on a convo, no matter what it is about; serious things, goofy things etc. I am not much of a talker but once i get started, i go on and on.

    • NIRA

      March 17, 2016 at 4:31 pm

      As inn!!! That line got me in stitches too! Esco, you shalln’t kill me o!! Nothing beats a funny guy, not a clown o! If you have a good sense of humour, great. Burn by Usher is my best breakup song. I prefer 1st dates outdoors, ppl are freer that way and more open, as opposed to staying in one restaurant staring at each other. Fave romantic movie is Notting Hill! I love Hugh Grant in that movie.

  10. Ghostmode

    March 17, 2016 at 4:12 pm

    hahaha this was a good read. Esco when i’m i meeting you, in my head you are my buddy o!

    My favorite breakup song… Mary J Blige ‘Not gon’ cry’ even though i will be wailing my head out like someone just died

    Biggest misconception about me….people think i’m naive , i wear glasses and have this baby-face (ha! if only they knew)

    Money, power or Respect….Respect anytime

    What will i do with a million dollars…As an Igbo girl once i have 1millions dollars, my mind will be racing on how to double it so invest,invest, invest..ain’t nobody got time to be going broke.

    Dream date…i’m not particular about the ‘where’ but more ‘the attitude of the who’ , if I’m going to dress up and leave my house, i will want to spend time with someone who is very interesting, funny, attentive, intelligent, no forming pls….you know those dates you laugh and talk like you have know the person forever.

    Favorite Childhood toy..I doubt if i had any, i always wanted one of those blue eyed pretty barbie but my mama was like the money for 1 barbie will cook 1 pot of soup, so i was stuck with those plastic wanna be dolls from oshodi market lol

  11. mia

    March 17, 2016 at 4:24 pm

    Esco is my type of guy, i love a guy that i can have good deep conversation with. I am the chic that romances that your brain before we hug and i love guys that picks my brain and i can pick theirs. With my first guy, we were friends initially and we found the need to take it to the next level, so we already knew a lot about each other. we could look into each others’ eyes and tell what either of us was thinking, we had romanced each others’ brain that much. However, we can drop lines out of the blues and thrill each other over again. The relationship ended out of necessity (Don’t wanna talk about it).

    i was just trying to forget my fist when the second came on. He was to help me get a favour from someone and we met for the first time and i could tell he loved what he saw, he was however not the talking type (his work is the action not words type of work). We started talking and i could tell the guy was curious about me. he has always met ladies who were afraid to be themselves around him and who subservient, he found me extremely unconventional. i was kinda busy then so he knew that to get my attention, he needed to fit himself into my schedule, so he would pick me up and drop me off after work, that way, i would always have time for him, if only the ride time. i found him interesting too because his line of work is something i had little knowledge about and i brought out the talkative in him. we would gist for long and he just wanted to be around him. If i called him in the middle of the night that i needed company, he would drive down to my place to just gist. We broke up too but even now, when we talk, i can tell he misses that kind of deep conversation.

    So, i wonder sometimes when people say they dated someone and can hardly say much about them, i usually wonder, did you not romance his brains before his body?

  12. Mz Socially Awkward...

    March 17, 2016 at 5:03 pm

    ??? Esco the great… Beht… Why you no like Kelis’ “I hate you so much right now!”? That’s a tune, biko. And the lyrics are very helpful for giving voice to our wrath… Hehehehe

    Since you asked, my fave breakup song is, “I’m married to Jesus, satan leave me alone / I’m married to Jesus so leave me alone!….”.

    • The real D

      March 17, 2016 at 8:31 pm

      @ Mz SA… But why??? I practically bursted out laughing at “I’m married to Jesus, Satan leave me alone”. We don’t want your “husband” to take you away quite yet o.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      March 18, 2016 at 12:01 am

      *In Chigul’s voice*
      Nwa nne m, please clap along and encourage my ministry. ????????

    • Californiabawlar

      March 18, 2016 at 3:34 am

      Lmao!! I laughed so hard! That is so apt though…nothing like a good heartbreak to remind you of the sweet love of our dear savior ?

      Okay so I read this NY times conversation/questions thingy a while back but haven’t had the opportunity to share with my BN Fam… I’ll share it here and probably some other time…I’d like to get feedback ?

    • Ify

      March 18, 2016 at 10:38 am


  13. Green

    March 17, 2016 at 7:50 pm

    “Violets are red
    Roses are blue
    Dang look at what thinking of you
    Made me do”
    If he says this to me, sweet Jesus he’s gotta be THE one.

  14. anon

    March 17, 2016 at 8:29 pm

    Money, Power or Respect…i.e. Trump, Sai Baba or Wole Soyinka…lmao

  15. pearl

    March 17, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    @ Mz socially awkward u are crazy gurl loooool so U didn’t knw he ws a devil b4 u dated him. Abeg U all wnt kill me with laugh. It is well.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      March 18, 2016 at 12:07 am

      Silsta! ? Flesh & blood did not reveal this to you… You see why Jesus is Bae of Life? Can you see how He keeps taking me back??

      *singing in Chigul’s voice* My Husband is coming to take me away …

  16. Sara

    March 17, 2016 at 9:07 pm

    I’m actually more comfortable when the guy talks..I want details, stories…if on a first date you ask me plenty questions I’ll just melt back into my shell and feel very uncomfortable (shy person struggles). Just talk about any random thing and I’ll contribute, say stories and I’ll say similar, comment and I’ll give my opinion ..then I’ll comfortably get into the groove of things and probably even start overtalking
    My boyfran was so not a detail-ly type of person and it frustrated me like hell Lol! “How was the meeting?” “It was okay”
    “Iz dat all?” ? I’ll just be vexing..Bobo had to learn mhen!

  17. lily

    March 17, 2016 at 9:12 pm

    Esco!!! Please don’t ever stop writing! I have a massive crush on your write ups. I also love the movie Love Actually so much I tear up when watching it, because of how beautiful love is depicted in that movie.

  18. Mz A

    March 17, 2016 at 9:12 pm

    I literally told a guy off cos he seem to have a low iq, the only conversations he’s good at has to be about me and him. Like we can’t have a political gist, petroleum industry, healthy gossip….u know those small talk.
    My immediate ex on the other hand (we still very good friends cos of this reason) when I was with him, I could call him to gist about a silly bill board and we will end up talking for hours about nutin in particular.
    A good conversation is a deal breaker for me.
    I’ve a breakup tune for every end, lol. I’ve had the “best thing I never had” “brown eyes” “when I was your man” and even “johnny” lmao…..I always like to feel like it’s his loss not mine. But right now, i’ve been on “hello” and adekunle gold’s “sade”

  19. Lucinda

    March 17, 2016 at 10:21 pm

    What makes me laugh: uncomfortable dark/sexual/racist humour
    A million dollars: divide to quaters. 1st quater, family. Second quarter, anonymous donation to someone/a family in serious need. Could be health related. 3rd quater, ivy league PhD. 4th quater, striking out a variety of mundane/trivial bucket lists.
    Biggest misconception about me: That I am arrogant and have a good heart. It’s the other way round. I’m humble but very selfish.
    who I’m closest to in my family: these days it’s just my sister.
    Best breakup song: Mostly it’s obsessed by Mariah Carey. Lookin Ass Niggas when I just get paid. Flawless or Bootilicious by Beyonce. Any song to make me the centre of attention and make me feel confident.
    Favourite Romantic movie: A walk to remember, Pearl Harbour, the fault in our stars.
    Favourite childhood toy: Legos
    Favourite first date: Anywhere apart from your room where I can comfortably laugh out really loud.

  20. Mara

    March 18, 2016 at 4:26 am

    Fun article, really enjoyed it. Conversation is so important – we must be able to gist well, and on a variety of topics.

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