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HaroldWrites: Planning For A Break-Up Whilst In A Loving Relationship

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dreamstime_s_37945321We all get into relationships for different reasons. It does not matter what reasons we do; as long as our reasons for doing so are not criminal, then they are valid. I once had a conversation with a friend who was of the opinion that people who condemn an extravagant and financially demanding female partner and label her a gold digger, are wrong. According to my friend, she might be zapping all your finances and all that, but negatively labelling her for her actions, is just plain wrong. The thing is, he argued, we are moulded by our past experiences. Whatever childhood experience she had, made her who she is – made her the woman you met and decided to go out with. She should not be crucified for her past life experiences.  If you cannot continue to accommodate her excesses, you can take the next exit door.

Whether my friend is right or wrong is not the purport of this article; but one thing I take from my friend’s submission is that, a relationship is a union of two different people with diverse backgrounds and experiences coming together to forge ahead as one. And with this union of two opposites, it is inevitable that, there would be friction and discontentment at different times. What you do with such friction and discontentment will definitely make or mar you. It could make you happier; it could make you sadder. Whilst some people are quick to bolt out of the relationship, others stay to weather the storm, hoping that, the dissatisfaction will pass – that the situation will improve for the better.

There is no hard and fast rule about which option is best. Either option could work or fail. But the poser sought to be set by this article is, how do you handle a situation where you have fallen head over heels for the other person whose excesses are draining you? A situation where you are so deeply in love with this person whose negatives don’t sit well with you? The key phrases here are “deeply in love” and “sit well with you”.

This thing called love could be a beautiful thing. It could also be a very terrible thing. When you truly love somebody, you are expected to accept all of their flaws. Unconditionally. At least, this is what the books tell us. But the reality is, you are human and you can feel pain. How long should you continue to be in a relationship with a person whose flaws hurt you? I know it is easy to retort “get out of the relationship for your sake”! This would be the easiest thing to do, but it is not always the most gratifying. At least, not immediately, if at all. There are times when you are too deeply in love with a person that, the thought of you guys separating leaves you shattered. It is just unthinkable. Your whole life revolves around them. They are the air you breath. The sunlight in your day. The stars in your dark skies. You have made sacrifices to be with them. You have cut friendship and even family ties for their sake. You have even made enemies because of them. You just cannot see your future without them in it. To emphasize how vulnerable you are to them, the little times you guys had a fight in the past, it wrecked your soul. Your days were disorganized. You lost focus on simple tasks. You just could not stop thinking of them. You only became your composed and organized self when you guys settled your rift and resumed your loving relationship. This is your reality.

I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but if you are in such a relationship, my advice to you is you should start opening up yourself to the possibility that, both of you may not have that beautiful future together you have always dreamed of. You should be prepared for a potential break up, without necessarily expecting the break up to materialize or initiating same. Why? Because we are humans. And humans are fickle-minded. We change. One day, this your loving partner could walk up to you and say they don’t want you anymore. It is possible. And their reason for leaving you will also be as valid as the reason they decided to date you in the first place. Have you heard of marriages of fifteen years with three kids in between, and one day, one partner says they don’t love the other anymore? It happens. That is life.

No one owes you anything in this life. The earlier you started living your life with this at the back of your mind, the easier life becomes. Expect nothing of anyone, and you will never be disappointed. It is said that, we all came into the world alone and we shall leave alone. If this is a truism, then why get ourselves overly attached to another human like us? If you find yourself too attached to another human, it is high time you started weaning yourself of them for your sake. I am not asking you to emotionally detach yourself from them. This would be counterproductive to the notion of love. You have to be emotionally in sync with your partner to be able to feel what they feel. But true love is not all about emotions. You need your head as well. You need your head to tell you when to feel and how to feel. You need your head to guard your heart. Love wisely. Love without losing yourself. So that the day they look you in the eyes and say they want no more of you (which is a possibility because they are humans and shit happens), you could look yourself in the mirror and say, “at least, I was not taken off guard”. Trust me, the heartbreak will hurt much more less.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

HaroldWrites is an extraterrestrial who uses words like floccinaucinihilipilificate and antidisestablishmentarianism to keep his readers under his spell, yearning for more. Visit his blog at http://www.haroldwrites.com and stalk him on Twitter, Facebook & Instagram @haroldwrites

27 Comments

  1. Bodunade

    July 13, 2016 at 5:28 pm

    I was a human, breathing and thinking
    Eating and drinking, philosophizing
    I was a human, before you killed me
    And ripped my heart out, I knew what love was»
    Now when they ask me, I just reply slow
    And sound like an iPhone
    I do not know love, I am a robot
    I do not know love, I am a robot
    I used to know love
    #JonBellion

    This article right here is my MO, I learnt the hard way, one of the cold facts of life.

    But if you can’t love someone with reckless abandon are you really living/loving?

    • Tosin

      July 14, 2016 at 6:51 am

      same question.
      my latest answer: i think if you’ve done it before, then you’ve lived. your own time having passed, leave the rest of the enjoyingment for the kids.

    • Bodunade

      July 14, 2016 at 10:26 am

      Tosin, you are hilarious.

      Well, I’m still a childrenhood, I want another round!

    • Tosin

      July 14, 2016 at 2:34 pm

      okaay

    • jhennique

      July 18, 2016 at 7:57 am

      Lmao.. Tosin thats harsh

    • theodora

      July 15, 2016 at 9:42 am

      Been crushing on this Bodunade lately ohhhhh…….Nwokem bia, do you have a girlfriend?

  2. HateLagosTraffic

    July 13, 2016 at 5:37 pm

    #RandomRant….

    I recently got a job after being jobless for so long(although I’m going for service by October). For a non-nysc graduate, the pay isn’t much(about $120 a month). Although I get to spend half of the salary on food and transport for the month, I also have the remaining to myself for my needs. Now, I have a boyfriend who doesn’t give me money at all(I know its not his obligation but he should try once in a while) who at every given opportunity complains about my job, saying “on top 30k work, you’re getting home by 8,9” and so many other derogatory words bla bla bla. With that statement, I just see him as someone who’s not going to be very encouraging in the nearest future. I’m just so mad at him for that statement. Come on! I am just not sitting at home doing nothing awaiting nysc, I’m trynna get busy and be useful to myself and the society and also get to leave home everyday to do something different. I already made up my mind to break up with him cuz I’m really disappointed in him. Does anyone think I’m justified?
    I’m sorry for the long comment that’s probably off point, now lemme read this post properly.
    *first time commentator*

    • Omaima

      July 13, 2016 at 6:39 pm

      I’m bothered about his derogatory remarks not so the money issue. Give him a chance and talk it out. He might just be careless minded and think you’re not affected. Talk to him about the things he does that you do not like. Observe how he reacts and his efforts to change. If no change, kindly take a walk. If he makes an effort you can stay but don’t close your nine to other men (not sex please!) There’s always better.

    • Cindy

      July 13, 2016 at 6:40 pm

      Maybe you should tell him how his words hurt you first. Relay all the fears and doubts you mentioned here to him. His reaction should help you decide whether to stay or leave.

    • Bodunade

      July 13, 2016 at 6:41 pm

      Nigerian women feeling entitled since 1AD. If you wanna break up no time to waste. If you have soap in your eyes will you come to BN to ask of you should rinse with water? 😀

    • Bodunade

      July 13, 2016 at 6:42 pm

      *on *if
      ??

    • Hopefully

      July 13, 2016 at 6:58 pm

      Babe, you are so justified. He is a prick and you are better off without him…Cheers

    • Ije

      July 14, 2016 at 7:41 am

      Awww.. you sound seriously hurt. Yeah there is a time you know a man is just not that into you. He sounds like he isn’t.

      So I wrote this article about it, concentrate on the kind words and financial support part 🙂 bit.ly/29yriYs

    • Ranyinudo

      July 14, 2016 at 10:06 am

      @HateLagosTraffic pls hold on…don’t break up with him yet. Honestly I would ask the same questions on top 30k. Maybe he feels u are overworking urself and also risking a lot. ..taking into account u return home so late. Talk to him about how his remarks and lack of encouragement affects u. I’m sure he will understand ur pain. And keep being valuable to ur self and d society. Welldone

    • tee

      July 14, 2016 at 10:36 am

      Some people don’t just know how to talk, let him know how you feel and if he doesnt change, you can take a walk. He should be lucky you are trying to make yourself useful

  3. Anonymous

    July 13, 2016 at 5:46 pm

    Like loving and dating someone who is addicted to dating married men for money?

  4. des

    July 13, 2016 at 6:33 pm

    pls breal up with him . he is a kill joy. we dont need such now at all.

  5. Olushola

    July 13, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    What can really keep a relationship going is just understanding, both partners need to understand each other

  6. Hopefully

    July 13, 2016 at 7:18 pm

    Great article Harold. Your point is very germane (and I guess that is why you wrote it) “why get ourselves overly attached to another human …it is high time you started weaning yourself of them for your sake” and I agree. So my comment (1) If a relationship doesn’t end in marriage, “you will not die” and as some people have experienced, you will survive the heartbreak. (2) Marriage is a union of two individuals operating as ‘one entity’. Which then means entities can divide/separate, case in point #brexit (lol). Let me quickly add the example of very old couples who die days apart because they have an inseparable bond…this is so cool, but we should be able to continue without the other party. Errrmm, trying to make a comment…I try shey?

    • Bodunade

      July 13, 2016 at 7:39 pm

      You Sabi. A1.

  7. Xta

    July 13, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    I should have read this sooner if there’s a word as such

  8. Tosin

    July 14, 2016 at 6:46 am

    “coming together to forge ahead as one” ah, so that’s what a relationship is. not the way i see it sha. a relationship is a relationship. you are simply relating. you’re not obligated to forge ahead as anything – that would need a different term: a commitment. or partnership. or whatever.

    but thanks for the definition, assuming it’s correct, so that i can understand better what people are talking about. i think it’s a lot of bollocks tbh. we’ve got courtship, engagement, friendship, soulmating, bloodcovenanting, cosmosexing, golddigging, showoffing, all sorts of activities all mixed up in one confused institution called relationship. just the way it looks to me sha.

  9. Tosin

    July 14, 2016 at 6:55 am

    Wanted to add that it’s a lovely piece of writing o! Cos sometimes you criticize and it’s like you don’t appreciate stuff, and that’s actually not the case. Very enjoyable read…hence the comments.

  10. aisha

    July 14, 2016 at 9:46 am

    I love unapologetic-ally and unashamedly. when we are having a spat, i’m not myself until we work things out and then i’m on cloud 9. i just feel one should love without holes barred.
    i love without reservations but God help me….heartbreak should not just be my portion cos i don’t have an idea what it would be like

    • jhennique

      July 18, 2016 at 8:53 am

      ha! Please i advise you to let yourself experience it at least once in life. It is economically important

  11. Ranyinudo

    July 14, 2016 at 10:07 am

    @HateLagosTraffic pls hold on…don’t break up with him yet. Honestly I would ask the same questions on top 30k. Maybe he feels u are overworking urself and also risking a lot. ..taking into account u return home so late. Talk to him about how his remarks and lack of encouragement affects u. I’m sure he will understand ur pain. And keep being valuable to ur self and d society. Welldone

  12. Superwoman

    July 14, 2016 at 8:58 pm

    Funny i was of the opinion hey if it does not work out uts not the end of the world… TRUE
    But after the kids and the sacrifices especially the sacrifices its harder to just count your loss and move on.
    When your lives have been so interwoven, and you’ve hauled yourself across the world so many times you’ve lost count on account of his career that you are unable to really forge yours.
    Hmmm at this point its not so black and white anymore there is a lot of gray areas and the hurt is palpable.

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