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Uru Eke: Love… Despite All the Scary Stories You Hear About Marriage

Uru Eke

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Uru EkeI was inspired to write this piece after reading a few horror stories from a certain page on Instagram. Some of the stories beggar belief, and I don’t know if they are fact or fiction, nevertheless they are all very intriguing and entertaining.

Majority of the stories revolve around marriages and relationships and I couldn’t help but notice a lot of women writing in to complain about their husbands or boyfriends. One story that tugged at me particularly was a girl who wrote in to say she would never get married, but would simply find a man to have her children with and be done, because of what she sees her dad put her mother through.
She went further to say her mother is only 45 years old and both parents haven’t had sex in 7 years, but her father has slept with 5 of her sister’s friends at university.

On bad days I share her sentiments, as I have felt this way myself. This is because I really don’t know if there are any decent, wholesome honourable men left. Having said that, I remember a story my mom told me about a woman in our village who had two husbands in different villages and children for both men but neither man knew about the other. After many years of keeping this secret the bubble eventually burst and both men found out. I argued with my mom for quite a while about this because I found it difficult to understand how she was able to have children for each partner. My mom’s response was “ you think men can keep secrets, wait till a woman has one to keep”

In 2013 Ben Affleck got a lot of flack after his infamous acceptance speech, in which he thanked Jennifer Garner (his then wife) for the “work” that they put into their marriage. This of course brought on a lot of backlash and has been revisited due to their divorce as we all know now that Ben was cheating with the nanny. I saw pictures of the nanny, she’s a pretty little thing and I wonder why they didn’t just go for someone plain and ordinary. Scientists say that relationships are important for our well being, as their initiation is often associated with happiness, elation, love and joy. The benefits of being in a relationship, such as those mentioned may explain why people experience strong negative emotions when they feel as if their relationships may be compromised.

One day I went to a popular Nigerian tailor’s store in London and I over heard her telling a friend of hers a story that left me depressed for the rest of my day. A friend of hers had met someone they all believed to be a nice gentleman; they dated for a while then got engaged to be married. She had a fifteen-year-old daughter in boarding school in Nigeria whom she had introduced to this chap and as she was based in London and he in Nigeria, she asked him to visit the child now and again. He assured her he would, as the child had now become his since they were getting married. This is where it gets interesting, ofcourse this man visited the girl at school; he didn’t just visit but took presents and befriended the child. Soon he began to take her on weekends away from boarding school and began an illicit relationship with her and got her pregnant. Unfortunately for him, the young girl didn’t know she was pregnant, maybe if she did she would have told him and he would have had her terminate it. Her mother made a trip to Nigeria and visited her daughter and noticed the change, she almost beat the truth out of the young girl before she opened up and told her mother who was responsible. Well I hear the poor woman wound up in a psychiatric ward at the end of it all.

I also know of someone who is going through a serious ordeal with his now estranged wife because while he was with her he had three children with his side-piece. Based on the betrayal, the wife is bent on putting him through hell on earth by almost having him deported and so far she’s doing a good job from what I can see. There are several more stories to tell and I could go on but I really don’t want to bore you all.

Despite the doom and gloom in some of these marriages/relationships, I’m a glass half full kind of girl and a hopeless romantic at heart and I still believe that true, faithful, fulfilling coupling still exists. Having said that I still harbor the fear of opening my heart up incase I let someone in who isn’t deserving. Bob Marley said “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her” and very apt this statement is. But how about the women who go into relationships/marriages with an agenda, game plan or a certain level of insincerity because let’s be honest the women cannot be left out of the equation when it comes to the demise of relationships too?

Is getting married worth it these days anymore? Because I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many couples I know who have separated, divorced or living as strangers in the same house. Some I know and saw the beautiful pre-wedding photos and talk of the town weddings and now cant stand each other. I see this and I’m thinking, “what happened and how did they get there?”

Without a shadow of a doubt love is an absolutely beautiful thing and it is every girls desire to have their dream wedding with all the bells and whistles. Some people go out of their way to borrow money to make the day live up to all their expectations and more. But how about when all of this is done and the reality of the union sets in. Life happens and hits you for six, is the memory of the lavish ceremony enough to keep the two people together. I want to see more positive stories about people in love and relationships that have tested time and overcome obstacles. Old fashioned romance and stories of gentleman who have gone out of their comfort zones to woo the loves of their lives and continue on that path to keep her.

Recently I watched the video of the couple that got married and as the bride walked down the isle the groom was crying his eyes out and could barely stand straight. One of his groomsmen had to hold him up and kept encouraging him with words such as “stand up, look at her”, “ this is your moment”. It was a very moving and emotional clip and it reassured me that true love still does very much exist and I hope the love I saw in that video will help them through whatever life throws at them.

After hearing and reading a lot of these stories I’m scared out of my head about the institution of marriage and I really don’t know what to make of it anymore. But being the Positive Polly that I am, I don’t want to let the negatives turn me away from believing that there are still blissful, healthy, loving and long lasting marriages out there.

Photo Credit: bibyonce

111 Comments

  1. Sigh

    July 4, 2016 at 7:58 pm

    Love don’t live here no more!

    • Kemmie

      July 5, 2016 at 4:09 pm

      Uru Eke is not your average Nollywood actress. She is incredibly talented and write so well.
      We graduated from the same school here in London (University of Greenwich).

    • Princess

      July 6, 2016 at 12:35 am

      Love is overrated. So bloody overrated. The depiction of love we see perpetuated by pop culture on TV, in books, music videos etc. is not real, it is a fantasy that doesn’t exist in the real world. So people get in this marriage union with unrealistic expectations. When their s/o is unable to meet these expectations, it becomes a problem (shocker). Let me put it this way, love is mother natures way of tricking us into reproduction. In this day and age, people are still getting married because they are ‘in love’. Don’t get me wrong, by all means marry someone you’re in love with but don’t lie to yourself. As far as marriage goes, love is like 15%, compatibility 50%, mutual respect and goals 35%. Focus on your safety and survival, mutual respect, SHARED GOALS, marry someone who will be a great companion and co-parent. These choices are defined, love, not so much

  2. Rukky

    July 4, 2016 at 8:03 pm

    the page is on instagram is called bom break or makeup

  3. Abiola

    July 4, 2016 at 8:04 pm

    So needed! The institution has been so disrespected that you think what’s the point. But I believe it should make everyone think twice before walking down the aisle.The decision is not meant to be taken lightly.
    May God help us all lol 🙂

  4. Mstilii

    July 4, 2016 at 8:12 pm

    Uru your episode 8 of Rumour Has it was fantastic. Excellent actress who plays your mom. Best on screen mom actress i have seen since Aunty Patience (Mama g)

    We need better role models who have been married for ten years or more to look up to cos now the epidermic scary. What I will never understand is people who date for many years, no issues, yet immediately they get married three years later or less they divorce and can’t stand each other. Does it mean every one in a relationship is puttin on a pretense until they say I do.?

    • Ranti

      July 5, 2016 at 6:14 am

      Marriage takes a lot out of them than just dating, its serious business, it takes finances to a whole different level and when the kids start rolling in priorities have to change quickly these things cause problems after marriage, some might have in-law issues as well. It takes a lot of sacrifice on both sides

    • 345Cash

      July 5, 2016 at 8:31 am

      The Devil hates the institution of marriage but loves the f-ery that comes with the deception in relationships! That’s my answer! I’m a catholic. Marriage is a sacrament. The Devil hates anyone invested with this sacrament. But loves those who go on living as married people with all the fornication and deceit that they live with. Finish

    • Wanderlust _Trekeffect

      July 6, 2016 at 6:27 am

      ?
      Your comment actually made me watch it from first to last episode, just finished it lol

  5. Spunky

    July 4, 2016 at 8:27 pm

    Love here we go.lol! I feel it’s a beautiful emotion. Marriage on the other hand takes work…a lot of work. We forget once the union is sealed, we don’t live for ourselves anymore but MUST compromise and let out partner IN. I think being self centered is where the problem lies. The moment we realize and psyche ourselves to believe we are equally responsible for our partners, the better off we’ll become. Condiments/characteristics such as respect, tolerance, endurance, peseverance…fear of God, wisdom, maturity and sense of responsibility should be imbibed. I look forward to falling in love, getting married…and stay married!

    • Mr. Egghead

      July 4, 2016 at 8:45 pm

      @Spunky
      Exactly!
      Love is a nice emotion, but successful marriages are built on mutual respect and compromise and the fear of God.
      All this “love nwantiti” is emotional fast-food. Find somebody who respects you and shares your values. Make a decision to commit to that person and you are good to go
      Otherwise, you will do wedding in Dubai & honeymoon in space and in the end, marriage go enter dustbin

    • Strit Kredibility

      July 4, 2016 at 9:48 pm

      Paddy mi @Egghead. I disagree with you, Objection my Lord! Love is not a nice emotion, but on mutual respect and compromise i concur. Look at what my bibeli told me in

      1 Corinthians 13 lati 4 titi de 7… Iwe mimo si fi ye wa pe…

      Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    • nunulicious

      July 4, 2016 at 10:17 pm

      @strit Kredibility, you do well to quote the Bible. But the Bible did not say love keeps a marriage did it?
      @ Uru Eke, i didn’t realise say your head dey there like this! wow you write well. I watched rumour has it today for the first time today and you act well too!

      As for my thoughts about bad news in marriage and relationships, those who are enjoying marriages don’t talk loud enough. It’s normal human reaction to speak when things are bad but keep quiet when things are going good. Plus bad news travels fast and social media highlights them even more. I can confidently say for every bad marriage you’re hearing about there is a good and happy marriage you’re not hearing about.
      I am doing all I can in my own union and trust God and the man to do their own part. Personally, I guard my heart well since that’s where the issues of life proceed from also I think on things that are pure, true lovely and good report. I don’t like hearing, reading, scrolling or trolling stories that touch. Mba, I skip them and give a wide berth.
      I guess BN family will give plenty advice on marriage but I keep it simple and keep close to folks who have been HAPPILY MARRIED for 10,15,20,30 years. na dem sabi the koko.

    • Strit Kredibility

      July 4, 2016 at 10:47 pm

      @nunulicious
      If Love does not keep a marriage is it lovelyn or loveth, that will keep it. In that definition of bible Love lies both the keeping and satisfaction of marriage.

    • Jade Edo babe

      July 5, 2016 at 2:54 am

      I wish, it’s that easy. Many couples have what you believe sustains a marriage and they still break up or pretend to be happy in their marriage. It’s scary now. Social media love is not the same as reality love. It’s a real struggle between expectation and reality.

    • Anonymous

      July 5, 2016 at 8:39 pm

      Mutual respect is key mehn. Its most fundamental on my opinion.
      Having a common goal too is important or some issues would be long term unsolvable because the compromise that might be made by the other for a goal deemed selfish might leave them resentful. Nothing is as bad as resenting your own spouse.

  6. Baby girl

    July 4, 2016 at 8:38 pm

    I love ur blog Bella

  7. Baby girl

    July 4, 2016 at 8:38 pm

    I so love this blog

  8. mimi

    July 4, 2016 at 8:41 pm

    The challenge here is this,one or both parties in the union not letting go of the barricades of their heart before the open i do’s ,not fully committing,not loving completely, still protecting their heart,having backup plans “smh” ,Marriage is tough and not for everyone seriously! 2 months in and it’s like I’m living in a movie.

  9. Mstilii

    July 4, 2016 at 9:16 pm

    The other question id like to ask divorcees is apart from infidelity and maybe physical abuse (which personally there is no compromise for me cos both can take u to an early grave eg disease, physical abuse leading to death etc), I am curious to know on what other grounds do people divorce, no one ever seem to want to talk about it. What is so bad that cannot be solved Let’s talk.

    • Unbreakable

      July 5, 2016 at 4:43 am

      Dear Mstilii, I will talk about it with you, what married women suffer these days is not physical abuse( that is quite old school) they suffer emotional and mental torture making most of them suicidal , look into the eyes of most married women in Africa, there is deep sadness, most of them have lost themselves , forgotten their dreams , changed from the young bubbly beautiful ladies they used to be and all you get when you meet them is non stop blabbing about their homes and kids with nothing more to contribute to the society . Women try and empower your selves more , marriage and child birth is not the only achievement in life , we have been brainwashed to believe so , even the so called career and strong women I used to know , when they work so hard and are on top of their game , they start feeling incomplete after 40, cost they are not married and I see them even make worse mistakes and get entangled in complicated relationships / marriages and time and time again I see them gradually become those women that we feared the most.

    • Lucinda

      July 5, 2016 at 8:09 am

      My thoughts exactly. I became friends with a nice lady at Istanbul 2 weeks ago. She recently got divorced. According to her, he wasn’t physically abusive. He wasn’t unfaithful. They were both financially solid. What happened? She said “He was doing things she didn’t like”. I left the conversation more confused.

    • My own story

      July 5, 2016 at 8:11 am

      Let me try and answer this your question from my point of view. I’m not married though but I dated a guy recently for 10 months and he is the most faithful thing i have ever dated in my life. He wasn’t violent as well. I thought we had both arrived and there was nothing that was keeping me from getting married to him. At least what more could a woman wish for than a man who doesn’t cheat or beats her? My dear o, I was so wrong! I got to find out over time that there were so many things I couldn’t deal with asides cheating and violence. Thank God it took 10 months to realize this as i got to learn what I would not tolerate in subsequent relationships. Would list some out now.
      1. Our values were so different. I think that was mainly due to our family and cultural backgrounds though. Those things I consider basic in life, was luxurious to him and it was a struggle to get him see my point of view and vice versa.
      2. He was a very frugal person. I really don’t know if to say stingy though. Now, frugal may be good sometimes but not when it gets to an extent where it’s an the expense of your own comfort. Like penny wise, pound foolish kind of frugal.
      3. He gets upset easily over the most trivial things. And can keep malice with you for days, not even when u try to make peace.
      4. He had such a low self esteem that everything felt like a competition with him in the relationship.
      5. He was egotistic, oppressive and so controlling….etc
      I had to weigh my options after a while. Like was I ready to take all of these for the sake of marriage? The relationship was so much struggle that I knew if it eventually ended in marriage, I was doomed for life! So I had to break up and move on with my life. I never stop thanking God for courtship. It actually opens your eyes to see that which you can and can’t tolerate before marriage. I do hope this answers your question.

    • Ally

      July 6, 2016 at 6:18 am

      I feel like we dated the same guy… Same description and attitude.
      God help us.

    • Viv Law

      July 6, 2016 at 11:11 am

      Unfortunately for me I married this guy. You are very wise to call it off because controlling behaviour combined with short-temper can lead to violence, just like it did with my husband.

      When a relationship gets violent, it’s time to go, especially when there is a child involved. I believe a child should not be brought up in a toxic relationship and be made to believe such characteristics should be endured and tolerated.

  10. Cookie

    July 4, 2016 at 9:23 pm

    Wow, a Nollywood person can write up such pages of good English without gbagouns.
    Wow, change has come.
    I thoroughly enjoyed the read.
    Uru pretty queen, I wish you luck on your search!
    I wish you a perfect and rich brother.

    • Kemmie

      July 5, 2016 at 4:16 pm

      Uru Eke is not your average Nollywood actress. She is incredibly talented and write so well.
      We graduated from the same school here in London (University of Greenwich).

  11. Strit Kredibility

    July 4, 2016 at 9:33 pm

    Plane crash has not stopped people from boarding the next available flight, Infact they use one plane to find another crashed plane ditto for car crashes. People still buy cars everyday despite one too many accidents. Bad relationship/marriage is not enough to hinder new and promising relationship. In Yoruba we say Ibaje eniyan ko da ise oluwa duro, meaning the rot of man/woman cannot stop the good work of God from progressing. Everything in life is unique to its own circumstance and fate, there is no formula for good or desirable relationships each has to work out its own relationship salvation and be genuine about it. The problem i see is people have this fake version of love/marriage they tend to present as original, a complete fantasy diametric to all tenets of the most beautiful thing called love. One of the wreckers of relationship is narcissism and their is a proliferation of it these days, Man/woman go into relationships for the very wrong reasons most times and it isnt rocket science to know the outcomes. I’m sorry to say this but relationship/marriages will continue to fail, hit the rocks and cries of regret, blame, finger pointing will not abate if people continue to supplant Love with lust and its household.

    • Cookies ?

      July 5, 2016 at 8:13 am

      Ahh sisteh/brotheh….do I have to hold a dictionary to understand what you wrote? Easy na! I appreciate learning new words, but this one was too much for me abeg. I had to be going back and forth.

    • Mol

      July 5, 2016 at 11:50 am

      This is a very inspiring comment.

    • Mol

      July 5, 2016 at 11:54 am

      And the part that got me thinking; A coward is the man that awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving back. That’s a very deep one.

  12. le coco

    July 4, 2016 at 9:34 pm

    ah ahhn.. even better than mama tiwalade (ngozi nwosu) on skinny girl in transit? does anyone beat her tho? lool

  13. eby

    July 4, 2016 at 9:53 pm

    Uru Eke, write a novel biko. Love u sisi. Keep shining. God will give us all the love of our lives…

  14. Jennietobbie

    July 4, 2016 at 10:01 pm

    This is such a great read. What perspective do u choose to see? I have been exposed to good marriages and will soon start a blog about these love stories that have been through the roughest waves, yet survived. There’s no magic; just hard work and commitment.

    The most important decision you can make is to choose your partner wisely. Not someone who gives you that tingling butterfly effect or whose muscle curls make you dizzy; but someone you respect and share the same values and moral compass with.

    What are your values? Do you swing to the left or right when the wind changes or are you fiercely firm regardless of the weather? Take your time and discover yourself. No one is going to do that for you, not even God because the good book said, “ask and you shall receive.”

    Uru, I’ll check you out because “Rumor Has It” that you’re a good actress 🙂

  15. The real D

    July 4, 2016 at 10:26 pm

    I will share my story to encourage many that marriage when done right is a beautiful thing. I have been married to my spouse for what will be 9 years this December, 10 if going by the date on our marriage license and I can confidently and boldly say I am married to the man meant for me.
    He is not only my husband, he is my ride and die, my play mate, biggest fan, encourager and my prayer partner. The thought of living life without him leaves me with chills. I have even told him that I wish God will allow marriage in heaven because I will want to keep my intimate relationship with him even there (he laughs at this but I am dead serious).
    How did I end up blessed with a partner like this, one may ask; I will not bore you with our how we met story, i have mentioned bits and pieces of that on different articles on BN, but once my hubby and I knew we were in it for the long haul (before we got married) I started praying for my marriage. I don’t remember ever praying about my wedding day but my marriage I did. I fasted and prayed like many do while praying for a life partner or for their wedding day. My crux of my prayer was simply this : God be our foundation because a marriage built on you cannot fail. Let our marriage be a true example of what you created the institute of marriage to be. The second sentence in that prayer was/is important me because like this author, I had heard a lot of awful stories about the institution but first I was convinced beyond reasonable doubt that despite what I had heard, that God’s original plan for marriage was not what many had made it to be and more than that I wanted my marriage to reflect that to those around me. I wanted my life (marriage in this case) to be the exception others pointed to.

    I am a Nigerian woman, married to a Nigerian, Yoruba man to be precise, and I can say that God has answered my prayers, even my parents use our marriage has their model and come to us for advice (although I find that uncomfortable sometimes depending on the topic), my siblings that initially had problems with our relationship because of our age difference (hubby is 9 years older) now tell us our marriage is the one reason they still believe in marriage.

    It will not be fair of me not to talk about my partner, who supports me in every way, this is a man, that has quit his job a couple times to follow me around the country so I could chase my dreams and pursue my career goals. For a long time in our marriage, I always made more but not once did he feel insecure, and I respected him even more, When I lost my job last year, he stepped up and never made me feel less in our relationship. He puts me first!!!! I know after God, I am next, not his mum or anyone else. I recently wrote about an issue I had with my MIL and her sister, my hubby got on the phone and gave his aunt a little tongue lashing, he made it clear to his mum that disrespecting me was not an option if she wanted him in her life. Nevertheless, I do my best to do my part I have always respected my hubby even when I made more, our bills were always paid based on our income (I.e I paid more when I made more). I have always treated my in-laws with love and respect, until recently, I treated them better than I did my parents and despite the issue with my MIL, I have pushed for peace, insisting hubby open lines of communication again with his mum, calling his mum and apologizing “for any role I played in the misunderstanding, perceived or otherwise” (although I know I am free of any guilt in the entire drama). I was only able to do this because I saw how he stood up for me and did not hesitate in taking my side and cutting off all relationship he felt would cause me pain or hurt.

    So my dear and to anyone out there, marriage is meant to be beautiful, if entered into the way God intended it, not to satisfy our selfish nature only. We’ve had our challenges, o yes we have, one of them is that we are still trusting God with regards to starting a family but through it all, we have held on to our foundation and it has only brought us closer , that sometimes I fear that when God answers that prayer , our kids will not feel like the 3rd wheel in our home.

    • The real D

      July 4, 2016 at 10:34 pm

      Darn!!!! That is an article I wrote. My apologies

    • Oma

      July 4, 2016 at 11:02 pm

      @The Real D, thank you so much for sharing! I admire what you have with your hubby. I said a simple prayer for you that God hear your prayers and grant your heart desires. May your love for one another never run cold.

    • "changing moniker"

      July 4, 2016 at 11:15 pm

      I liked your article

    • Mitchell

      July 4, 2016 at 11:18 pm

      No no the real D. Don’t apologize. It was beautiful. A successful marriage is a miracle. Love is a miracle. The miracle that two individuals, who can most likely do very well on their own, can come together and work together and build together. That intimacy is beautiful, and that’s what makes a great marriage. And don’t feel guilty on account of your kids. Children always feel more secure in their parents love when they know that their parents love each other and put each other first. Trust me. I know.

    • Mr. Egghead

      July 4, 2016 at 11:19 pm

      @real D
      No apologies needed.
      This is the most inspirational thing I’ve read on BN since . . .

      God will bless your home.

    • Nnenna

      July 4, 2016 at 11:10 pm

      @The Real D, thank you so much for this. thank you. I pray God blesses you and grants you your heart desires. Your marriage will forever be strong and you’ll always have awesome stories to share.

    • nwa nna

      July 4, 2016 at 11:46 pm

      @the real D, you’ve spoken as the real D! Thanks for sharing and praying for you guys for your bundle/S of joy!
      Relationship at its very core is simple, we are the one’s that complicate it by violating or not adhering to some very basic fundamental principles. Like you pointed out, the key to any relationship is based on solid foundation… Having a solid foundation doesn’t mean that the storms won’t blow, but with a solid foundation built you’ll remained anchored and the storm too shall pass.

    • notanutellalover

      July 4, 2016 at 11:59 pm

      Thank you for sharing your amazing love story, may God continue to be the foundation of your home. God bless your hubby too, such an amazing man, he understands the principle of two becoming one!
      “The Real D” lowkey you remind of the “InThe…” writer of the blog, “In the Midst of Her”, the way she talks fondly of her hubby is so refreshing.

    • nunulicious

      July 5, 2016 at 2:10 am

      @ The Real D,
      Thanks for sharing. God bless you for giving hope to those who will read this and know it is possible to have a happy home/relationship.

      Taking a cue from you, My husband and I have known each other for approximately 11 years dated for approximately 10 years now but have been married for almost three. In those 11 years, we have quarrelled less than 5 times and I can recollect each episode clearly. I am hesitant to share how happy and satisfied I am in my relationship for many reasons. A lot of people are hurting and sometimes when you show how happy you are it appears you’re rubbing it in their faces. Other times they say hurtful comments as though I am lying or they sneer and say “it’s because you are dating” or “it’s because you just got married, wait for a few more years” as though they can’t wait to hear bad news. So I keep quiet. But perhaps happy people should speak up more often so others may have a reference point.

      When my husband first told me he wanted a peaceful home without rancour and quarrel, I told him it was impossible. I said to him “it is IMPOSSICANT hear me loud and clear, you want to turn me to doormat” (and subsequently had fight number 3) I said even the teeth and the tongue fight how much more two human beings. Lo and behold, its a testimony that we haven’t had a quarrel since we got married. I’m sharing this to let those who are going through turbulent times to know it is possible to have a happy and blissful home. It is possible and it is my prayer that those who believe would experience the same in all the relationships in which they desire it.

      Just like you our rough patches make us grow deeper and wax stronger in love. My then husband was terrified of marriage oh. He had too many examples of people “managing marriages” and being miserable in the institution or just holding on because of children. He was happy to continue dating forever but after about 8 years I said, “time haff reach to put a ring on it”. One would think after such a long dating period he would have overcome his fears mbanu! it was so bad that the marriage counsellor in church recommended that we postpone the date of the marriage which we did by 6 months. We cancelled the hall we had booked, his parents refunded money to my parents so many things happened during that period. Yet, the amazing thing was during this very tough period, we did not say a hurtful word to each other or fight. we talked, we prayed, we fasted, we talked, we talked and then talked some more! So it is possible to love and be happy in marriage despite all the scary stories, don’t allow anybody tell you otherwise.

    • nunulicious

      July 5, 2016 at 2:12 am

      sorry meant *then boyfriend/fiance/bobo/

    • Not Bitter Kola

      July 5, 2016 at 4:34 am

      What kind of arithmetic is this? Known each other for 11 years, dated approximately for 10 years and married for 3 years?

    • TSW

      July 5, 2016 at 2:37 pm

      “I am hesitant to share how happy and satisfied I am in my relationship for many reasons. A lot of people are hurting and sometimes when you show how happy you are it appears you’re rubbing it in their faces. Other times they say hurtful comments as though I am lying or they sneer and say “it’s because you are dating” or “it’s because you just got married, wait for a few more years” as though they can’t wait to hear bad news. So I keep quiet. But perhaps happy people should speak up more often so others may have a reference point.”

      my exact thoughts! A good marriage is possible.

    • Gift

      July 5, 2016 at 1:42 pm

      I am deeply inspired by this and i sincerely believe now without a shred of doubt that i will experience same when God blesses me with a Husband. God’s word is tried, tested and true and if it worked for you, i believe it will work for me too. There are still some good people (Men and Women) out there, it takes God’s divine intervention to meet such people. Continuously over time, most of us have missed it and we are chasing after things that are fleeting and vanity and that is why things are not going the way they should especially in the area of marriage……I could continue with my sermon (smiley face) but work awaits! Thanks for sharing your story. God bless u!!!

    • Tee

      July 6, 2016 at 1:42 pm

      Yours is a good example that marriage WORKS. Plus the people concerned have to want it to work too busy praying and sacrificing and loving selflessly (from all you’ve said). Thanks for the encouragement and I pray your marriage continues to wax stronger and you continue to be role models to others, amen.

  16. "changing moniker"

    July 4, 2016 at 11:09 pm

    Did anyone make sense of this article? I was confused from top to bottom. What exactly is your point Miss Eke? !

  17. "changing moniker"

    July 4, 2016 at 11:18 pm

    I’m not trying to be mean, I really just don’t get it. Is she talking about people who spend a lot of money for their wedding? Or about people who have had bad things happen to them in their relationships? Or about her optimism that love exists??
    Maybe I need to sleep first. ..
    I’ll read it again tomorrow.

    • Oma

      July 4, 2016 at 11:33 pm

      Yes hon, you defo need to sleep first, it will be clearer in the morning, lol @Changing Moniker

    • "changing moniker"

      July 5, 2016 at 3:52 pm

      I liked this ?

    • cheek

      July 5, 2016 at 5:11 pm

      we all dont assimilate at the same rate, reason some people repeat classes before they get promoted to the next.

    • Weezy

      July 5, 2016 at 5:40 pm

      You’re not the only one. People are stanning because she is a movie star.

  18. Shola

    July 4, 2016 at 11:54 pm

    I love learning and reading other people’s stories. I am inspired by all. Hmmm. My dad is a typical Nigerian man diluted with oyinbo mannerisms. The traditional colonial ikoyi man.who spent his younger years hanging out at the ikoyi club and bike riding around Victoria Island. He always told us how he was born into wealth but lived in a very poor home. A home without love is poverty personified, he would say. (His parents had a terrible marriage).
    The day of my wedding ( I don’t know why ) my dad asked me to kneel down in front of him (imagine, in my white dress that I had hired o) he said five things that have stayed in my heart for the past three years.
    1. Your husband will not complete you
    2. Focus on what you can give not what you will receive
    3. This marriage will only teach you how much of a sinner you are
    4. Self control of your tongue will always bring peace
    5. The same Grace that was shown to you, you must also show to him.

    Three years later I can genuinely say how real those words were. They have birthed me into the woman I am today. Whenever I start focusing on what I feel my husband is not doing, or how he needs to do more, behave better blah, blah, blah. I go back to my dad’s five pillars.

    • Hian

      July 5, 2016 at 12:24 am

      These 5 lessons have been copied and shared with 5 ladies. Thanks to Daddy Shola and thank you Shola for sharing.

    • Peace

      July 5, 2016 at 1:01 am

      #3?. This got me cracking. I hail your Dad he is real! Tks for sharing

    • Nahum

      July 5, 2016 at 2:56 am

      Your comment is so uplifting. Thank you for sharing.

    • My own story

      July 5, 2016 at 10:45 am

      I feel like this your dad’s points should be written in beautiful calligraphy and put in a frame and given to every new bride as a wedding gift by family, friends or well wishers. Really inspiring. Had to bookmark this page to read again when I’m ready for this journey called marriage. Thanks a lot Shola

    • Say it again!

      July 5, 2016 at 10:58 am

      #3 took me a back for a while. I don’t know but it struck a cord.

  19. Marlvina

    July 5, 2016 at 12:19 am

    Regarding marriage; as a wife, Pray in the morning, pray at noon, pray at night. Shield your family in His grace. Prayers wards the devil off and destroys his plans against your marriage. Prayers with the infinite mercies of God, keeps you stronger even while you face challenges. Even at times, when you notice certain strange behaviors from your husband and you decide to take it to God in prayers wholeheartedly, instead of fighting, quarreling, confronting or disrespecting Him; God listens and gradually you will begin to notice positive changes in Him. Peace is restored to the home and you’re happier.

    Be a good wife, love, care and respect your husband and God will favour you both and bless your marriage.

    MARRIAGES STILL WORK, BUT VERY FEW KNOW THE SECRETS!!

    • Bleed Blue

      July 5, 2016 at 2:29 am

      Seriously I know I’m about to rattle some cages but I gats to discuss this comment right here.

      Yes I know about Proverbs 31 and other biblical references but can we not just ponder on the African mentality of the woman having to turn herself into a praying mantis so she can “keep her home”.

      What about the husbands? Shouldnt they be the spiritual heads of the home? Can’t they bring out blazing sword and Voltronize their home from the attack of Satan? Shouldn’t they also pray every hour plus quarter past the hour and half past for good measure? Can’t they also cover their family with the appropriate verses that should apply in time of need?

      I seriously believe this is one of the roots of why when things go wrong, our society’s perception is that it’s the woman’s fault. I mean…Aunty dis one wey your husband don waka leave you for im secretary, you no dey scabash?

      Don’t get me wrong. I love to say affirmations over my family as many times as I think about them, I love to cover my family under God’s banner and I’m all for prayers (and lots of it too!) but this idea of consciously or subconsciously placing the prayer burden ENTIRELY on the woman is getting old.
      Please alter the narrative already!!!

      Oya hubby, let’s go and pray together jor. After all our Holy Book also tells us “where 2 or 3 gather in my name…”

    • zikky

      July 5, 2016 at 3:57 am

      @Bleed Blue …thank you so very much for rattling that cage, it so needed to be. Someone needs to talk about this excessive pressure put on women while ignoring the men when it comes to marriage. God will bless you for me.

      These days, advocates to this line of thought have the perfect back-up, WAR ROOM. Don’t get me wrong, that movie was brilliant, but it’s like people don’t want to hear anymore that a marriage is suffering a minor headache. Instead of calling both parties to counsel or prescribing prayers to both parties, they automatically suggest war room to the woman as if it is because she wasn’t praying that she is facing that ordeal.

      Women were great prayer warriors in the bible but so were men, the likes of Job, Elisha, Elija and especially our savior Jesus. Yet it is the woman who should do all the praying. Is the marriage important to just the woman alone? Isn’t the man also concerned about saving his marriage? Why should the woman be the only one who is tasked with praying morning, afternoon , evening and every time for the marriage?

      This is one of the reasons if not the biggest reason why marriages are continuing to fail, Because they have placed all the burden of keeping the marriage together on the woman forgetting that she is in that union with someone else – her husband. It beats me especially when fellow women do that and then go ahead to blame the woman for her marriage failing because she wasn’t praying. People need to stop promoting this because that’s what is making lots of young married men feel like the woman needs to work extremely harder than them. If you got married to anyone, it means you both committed to be together and so you both should work at keeping that union. African men will forever have their cake and eat too with this attitude.

      @marlvina, I understand and agree that you should pray, but it shouldn’t be the woman’s sole responsibility. And while I agree that you should pray, i believe you should pray while seeking solutions like perhaps talking to the man about whatever it is that is bothering you or you BOTH seeking counsel together or better still, you BOTH seeking God’s face together regarding the issue.. Otherwise, you will be praying for the rest of the forever that you both have together. I am a spiritual person, but I am also a pragmatist. Prayer is the key and it the master key but as you pray, keep busy. God is not going to come from heaven to change the man if the man doesn’t know what the problem is. Let him in, let him play an active role in seeking a solution to making that marriage last.

      @the real D, thank you sharing your experience thus far and I pray God continues to bless you especially with your heart’s desire (babies). I love hearing realistic and honest ways that people are using to keep their marriage and I think you are blessed. I pray God I find an understanding and willing partner because i think that’s where it starts; finding a man that is willing to work as much as you in making your union last forever and you both having God as the foundation of that union.

      Why I write plenty so, forgive y’all.

    • Stella Gomero

      July 5, 2016 at 4:34 am

      @bleed blue a zillion likes for saying the truth. I am tired of the stereotype and constant blame on the woman. It is unfair and disheartening.

    • I know something

      July 5, 2016 at 9:44 am

      @zikky

      Lemme now ask you.
      Will you rather marry a prayer warrior/ church boy, or a Mr. big boy or Mr. fine boy or Mr. Oil company, …..?

      I say this because women who married spiritually inclined men have no problems getting their husbands to take charge spiritually.

      But if the latter is who you end up with. Best believe you’re going to be doing all the praying ands fasting yourself o as Mr. Bigboy ain’t gonna turn prayer warrior overnight.

    • Shola

      July 5, 2016 at 10:06 am

      @Bleedblue.. I concur with you in regards to this ideology that it is solely the women’s prayers that keep the home.. Which practically is a too much pressure on any human being. Vice versa if we were to say its solely on the man.

      Through all the topics of marriage I feel there are many conversations missing which is causing more marriages to A. break-up and B. Not reach its full potential. I think we need to steer away from the statement of ‘how to have a happy marriage’. The ideology and reasoning that marriage is what will make an individual ‘happy’has left many people perplexed upon entering it. We need to start dealing with other more important questions which are not gender specific rather deal with our core as human beings

      – What are the characters you need to build to be in a relationship
      -How do you build a foundation during your dating period
      – How to be an effective communicator ( communication is at the heart of a lot of problems between human beings)
      – How do you build an intimate community of Councillors( this notion from Nigerian Pastors that you keep everything bad that happens in your home and don’t tell anyone is what has imprisoned us to deceit and lies)
      – How do you deal with conflict. ( whilst le boo and I were dating this issue continued to creep up. He just was not one to deal with conflict. When there was an ounce of an issue the guy would just keep quiet and hold it in. Then two months later it would all spill out. This for me was a deal breaker. I had to respect that we both grew up in different homes. And he categorically said to me that was how he had been all of his life. I knew this was something that wasn’t healthy within a relationship. and if we were to get married I wouldn’t want my children to think that ignoring issues is how you go about in life. Before we got married Hubby and I enrolled into a 8 month counselling programe that focused on understanding how to communicate and deal of conflict. This changed our relationship for the better and equipped us with tools to deal effectively with challenges and problems in our marriage)

      -Prayer is a necessity of life not just a protection for marriage. It isn’t the magic trick that vanishes everything away. We need to equip ourselves with practical tools as individuals.

      A lot of women complain that their husband do not lead their homes spiritually. The question I always ask is was Le boo praying and reading the bible before you got married? Or were you the one always dragging him to church, telling him you need to pray and what scriptures to read

    • Marlvina

      July 6, 2016 at 12:21 am

      @Bleed Blue: The woman is the home builder, the Man is only the head. The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands. Prov.14:1.

      My opinion; in all you do in the marriage relationship, apply wisdom on how to restore the marriage when faced with challenges rather than shredding it apart.

    • Jummai

      July 6, 2016 at 8:16 am

      @Marlvina

      You say the husband is “only the head”? You see how you’re just belittling the man’s role? People like you should continue making the woman the person responsible for the success of a marriage. If it makes you feel better about yourself then why not? But just know this. The man IS THE HEAD OF THE HOME. the head is the head is the head.
      So please just stop it!

    • Hian

      July 5, 2016 at 5:58 am

      On behalf of all those who have walked this walk…sister, the secret is marrying a man or woman who will walk and work with you…roll up their sleeves with you and get down and dirty to make your union work. A woman must intercede but a man must intercede as well, sometimes harder. Our people believe the devil only uses the man’s weaknesses to break the marriage…that’s Nigerian mentality. We do not accord women as much but we somehow expect these 2nd class citizens to hold up something as ginormous as a marriage. According to us a man is meant to be respected but on the other hand we make it seem like he is too weak and probably can not function better than a 15 year old girl without the wife leading him (we contradict so much in this our obodo). If you are entering a marriage with a man who expects you to hold up the marriage and home, then be ready for those long nights filled with tears, heartache and resentment. If you believe in the power of prayer then by all means be ready to pray a great deal, Just remember that your man was appointed as the head and the priest of the home, and the priest of the home does not sit down and wait on others to take up spiritual warfare for him every time, A leader does not wait on his followers to chart the course for him during battle, he will be quickly toppled and replaced,

    • Lucinda

      July 5, 2016 at 8:20 am

      Fire prayers every second to maintain your happiness. Isio wrote an article about this weeks ago. So you think bad marriages are caused by not praying? Are there not atheists with happy marriages?

    • Oh please

      July 5, 2016 at 9:28 am

      Please cite examples

  20. Hian

    July 5, 2016 at 12:23 am

    Uru, you are one of my favorite actresses. RHI is scarily playing out like a situation so near and dear to me. Today’s episode had me weeping hot tears when you poured your heart out to your Mama. Now I see you are not only great on camera, you are super intelligent!
    Thank you to Shola and the real D for sharing their beautiful stories. There is hope ladies and gentlemen, there is hope!

  21. Mannie

    July 5, 2016 at 12:35 am

    As a single guy looking at married friends and family, I have come to understand marriage as a hopeful, generous, amazingly kind gamble taken by two people who do not know yet who they individually are or who their significant other might be, binding themselves to a future they both cannot conceive of and have carefully omitted to investigate.

    Ms. Eke, I cannot fully answer your question regarding the credibility/ viability of marriage today. But, I think that because our society is organised to place a lot of emphasis on people pairing up without providing much guidance about how to do it or where to find the so called ‘ideal, honourable, person’ (as you say), we get people rushing into marriages without a luxury of choice, afraid of what they might find out and never courageous enough to investigate it. Also, there is the pressure of wanting to get it right and the fear of disappointment.

  22. queenbee

    July 5, 2016 at 12:46 am

    Let me break it down. Finding a marriagable man in West Africa is like a camel going through eye of needle. Majority of the problem is because our society was never monogamous. You can’t beat the bible verses into a man . This facade we call Christianity is just that – a facade. In reality people go an pay pastors for miracles equivalent to paying a juju man for a spell . Because fid Africans really change their habits? Not really. And our marriage shamful society today is the consequent result. Look there are like 1 percent good men. I was lucky enough to find one. But I had to give up on my Disney like delusions. He wasn’t born with swag and he wasn’t popping champagne buy guess what? Now we pop champagne together. My point is there are very few men in Africa that can sustain a monogamous relationship because they can only know what they have been taught by society and their forefathers and majority of their fathers were NOT monogamous. So as for the crying you will weep plenty because if you are not lucky or blessed enough to find that 1 percent you will just settle for the average womaniser or serial polygamist. WeBay African woman have it tough. It is no joke. We are fighting cultural issues fighting misogyny fighting racism fighting sexism and still having to look fabulous doing it. God dey she. If you truly truly believe it I believe you may be blessed with finding that 1 percent but remember he may not come in the package you have imagined for yourself but in the long term you will have the crown for he will honour you.

    • Mr. Egghead

      July 5, 2016 at 10:04 am

      This “1% percent good men” you speak of; do you have any data or are you just exaggerating to push your narrative?

    • Shola

      July 5, 2016 at 12:01 pm

      @Mr Egghead hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah I’m waiting to see that Data too

    • Shola

      July 5, 2016 at 12:08 pm

      @queenbee I can’t judge someone for not wanting to live a monogamous life style. Adults have the free will to choose that. The problem is when you deceive someone with the idea of wanting to get married knowing full well that you are not mentally or emotionally able to commit to one person.. Hence we now have problem 101 adultery. So maybe the question should be passed to us as women, why enter into a marriage with someone who you know has wondering eyes and fingers? And then scream murder after you get married? Or is it not as black and white as that?

  23. Peace

    July 5, 2016 at 12:57 am

    Marriage is a pillar for the society while men r the foundation of society.
    Marriage is indeed a miracle and a covenant not to be adhered lightly.
    The lies pumped into society has promoted marriage to be taken lightly esp on the men part.
    Constant communication with God is needed.
    There r assignments to destroy marriage. Discernment is needed in our life’s daily. Even as a yet to get married there r assignments. The enemy is out to steal and destroy.
    Know God loves you and walk in his love. You attract what you got. Focus on Jesus Christ not the storm.
    This indeed is very apt write up address every perspective regarding marriage . God has not given us spirit of fear!

  24. Dee-USA

    July 5, 2016 at 3:06 am

    I appreciate what you’ve written. But can we stop from inserting statements or comments that have not been proven as fact, and presenting them as factual? It was rumored that Ben had a relationship with his nanny, but it hasn’t been proven to be fact, so you shouldn’t have used that example. There are plenty of examples of cheating spouses that have been proven.

    • Lucinda

      July 5, 2016 at 8:24 am

      Yeah Jennifer herself recently dispelled that rumour. It was not the nanny who caused what happened.

    • Peace

      July 5, 2016 at 10:21 am

      Please further gist meeting happen

  25. Bibi

    July 5, 2016 at 3:46 am

    Tiwa Savage
    Funke Akindele
    Ini Edo
    Monalisa Chinda
    Kate Henshaw
    Chika Ike
    Mbong Amata
    Toke Makinwa
    The list is endless

  26. Unbreakable

    July 5, 2016 at 5:07 am

    I grew up in a Christian home with so much love between my parents and even at 70 and after 41 years of marriage I can tell you that that my mum still takes my Dads breath away, we learnt to pray for everything and anything even when you get a mosquito bite and it itches more than usual , my mom will say pray about it , so I believe in the power of prayer and I believe that even if marriage does not make your marriage better it will give you peace of mind which is actually what everyone needs, now to my point , I think people should stop telling a woman that is going through a rough marriage to pray , mentioning it at all you are insinuating that she is not praying and perhaps that is why she is going through all that. I think women in Africa should focus more on praying for their daughters, praying that God will give us the strength and wisdom to empower them so thy they do not face what a lot marriages and women are facing today.
    All you hear in Africa is endure , your husband is cheating , endure, not providing, keep quite and endure, is abusive, endure, is now cheating with everyone , male , female , animal and you get that same statement endure, even when you stop complaining you still hear those words endure. Let us teach our daughters that Abuse in marriage is not ok, your husband sleeping with your home girl is not ok, that keeping incessant late nights is not ok, Comments like” it is a man’s world ” should not be encourages, teach your girls to understand that even though they are women that they are also human beings with a heart . Let us stop encouraging Men and say no to Rubbish, If we take the pains to do it now , our daughters will have a better life .

    • GoesBothWays

      July 5, 2016 at 1:00 pm

      Some Nigerian Woman don’t like to take responsibility for their actions, shifting the blame to the men and playing the victim. When you read comments here you will think that women don’t do any wrong, the man is just a monster but for every man/woman that is bad, He/She is a product of a system created by both Men and Women.

      Who really runs this world? — remember that Nigeria was named by Mrs Lugard.

      Abeg make una dey take responsibility for una actions biko.

  27. amanda

    July 5, 2016 at 9:20 am

    it feels so good to read these comments..God bless you all ladies…please i would like to ask for opinion and suggestion from people who have being there ..i am on the quest to self discovery ..how do i go about it…

  28. Truth

    July 5, 2016 at 9:43 am

    Both the Quran and bible say that God will not change the situation or circumstance of people until they change themselves.
    We Nigerians in particular are so guilty of treating God like a genie in a bottle. He has instructed us clearly on how to behave and many of us are not kind or nice people and yet we are habitual prayer warriors and frequent the houses of worship like addicts yet our society does not reflect Godliness.

    There is unfairness in relationships, many will drop their values and commit sin whilst single and dating yet act surprised when things begin to backfire in marriages. Are we really true to self or in denial?

    Mothers aren’t training their sons with values to respect women or treat them right and women have low self esteem or want to use their sexual power to get ahead of the game in relationships and so many give it all up to men that they see as a prize. As the saying goes, everybody wants peace, no one wants Justice.

    Keep praying but know that you also have to speak to yourselves ( ourselves) about our values as individuals because these are what will be the building blocks of our relationships. You can’t fool God. Many of us have contributed to the viscous cycle out there. The truth is bitter.

    • Oh please

      July 5, 2016 at 10:14 am

      Ehh, Biko where in the Bible? Did the children of Israel ‘change’ before God intervened? Please cite your biblical example.

    • Peace

      July 5, 2016 at 10:19 am

      Ask oh!

    • GoesBothWays

      July 5, 2016 at 1:06 pm

      When the children of Israel stole something that God commanded them not to, they went to war and were losing. It took God’s intervention to call out these people before they could win the battle. The message is simple Faith and works go hand in hand. Its like praying for a job and not sending out your cv? I guess you know how that will end.

    • ElessarisElendil

      July 5, 2016 at 2:05 pm

      “Did the children of Israel ‘change’ before God intervened”??????????????????????

      I’m confused, thought God’s whole dance with the Israelites has always been he helps them, they sin, he turns his eyes away from them, they’re conquered a bit, cue ripping of sackclothes ashes on the head and much remorse at their actions interspersed with begging God for forgiveness, before he intervenes.

      Unless I’m missing something.

    • Oh please

      July 5, 2016 at 2:36 pm

      How did they ‘change’ when they were held captive in Egypt? He had heard the cry if His people and decided it was time to intervene.

    • Truth

      July 5, 2016 at 10:03 pm

      @ Oh please, here you go…..2:chronicles 7:14; “my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.”

    • Truth

      July 5, 2016 at 10:05 pm

      @oh please here you go: 2: chronicles 7:14 “my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.”

  29. Ope

    July 5, 2016 at 11:58 am

    @real D,thanks for sharing and God bless your home. @oma,nice one and hope you’re doing great? This might be lengthy. Before my business projects went south,I had a partner who had and still has connects.
    A) The MD of one of the new generation banks with orange logo,has a prayerful wife who is from a wealthy home. Try stay in burdillon in ikoyi. While he was alive,he had challenges like every other living being. After he passed,he was all over pages of different and almost all the newspapers with different “survived by”. Most had wife and three children while others had two wives and four children. He def didn’t marry the other woman who was his side chic but bore him a son. That’s to show that she wasn’t totally accepted. My partner told me they have been together as FBs for decades,she refused to get married but stuck with him till she had a child for him. His wife is a prayerful woman,not all about the money and fancy things,she had them growing up. What should she have done? The other woman might have been sleeping and waking in pots/shrine etc,to have chilled that long. But his wife was also prayerful.

    B) I know a man who run a manufacturing company. He once told me,if your wife and mother are not strong,you’re a goner.
    I) The one who birthed you and the one you share and exchange your everything with.
    He told me about a woman who came to purchase goods worth of 12 or 15M but came with less than 1.5m. She laced her eyes with “tiro”. That stuff that when you look into a lady’s eyes,na to knack and once you do,bro forget it. You’re gone
    In all, I’m not saying you should give up looking sassy and all,but you are thr woman,the white witch,the mother and the pillar of your home. 9-5 or stay at home wife/wives,the bulk falls on your shoulders or the onus is on you. Believe it or not,that sister,cousin,friend,colleague of yours wants your man. No be small warfare,its either you pray or get played.

    • Deena

      July 5, 2016 at 12:28 pm

      Ope, thank you for these ridiculously stupid long comment where you just exposed secret family matters of a popular family in order to make no point at all.

      Which bulk falls on whose shoulders? Please give a real basis for your statement instead of the nonsense that everyone around me wants my man. You’re just feeding the monster of a patriarch society.
      Oh you think my man’s friends, uncles and colleagues don’t want me too? Why isn’t he spending all his time in warfare in the war room. Abeg make we hear word.

    • Mz_ Danielz

      July 5, 2016 at 5:13 pm

      So men too cannot rub Tiro. Biko take all these rubbish stories elsewhere. In this ears of HIV, watch war room by yourself and pray for yourself Biko

    • The real D

      July 5, 2016 at 5:57 pm

      @ Ope, I was not going to say anything about this prayer mistress deal because I felt I had written plenty and Ms. Bleed blue I felt had said all that needed to be said. What I think many of us are missing is the point that it takes 2 not 1 to make for a successful relationship. A man should not have to rely on his mother or wife for spiritual covering. If he is a prayer warrior himself no tiro or eyeliner will catch him even as a single man should he pray for himself. It seems like we have very low expectations of our men.

      My husband fasts “biribiri” (days un-end), I can only fast to 2pm at the latest before migraine hits. From time to time he does this marathon prayer where I have to leave the house so as not to disturb him and prays for hours and I mean (6-8hrs non stop), the longest I have been able to pray non-stop is 1.5 hrs. While I pray and I believe in the power of prayer I know beyond a shadow of a doubt who the spiritual head of our home is. Many of us find our men in different places of worship, but it seems we (ladies) don’t expect a lot more of our partners and they only live up to our expectation. One of my prayer everyday is that my husband never stops being the man of prayer he is and I don’t hesitate to tell him that I find it extremely appealing when I wake up to him laying his hands on me and “scabbashing”.

      Maybe if we focused more asking God to make our husband’s spiritually strong and the heads (not only financially and materially) they were called to be, we would not have to worry so much about tiro wearing women because they will already have themselves covered. Not relying on others (wife or mother or pastors) to do it for them. My husband is far from perfect because I know with all I have written about him, some maybe thinking this man must be an angel, God knows he is not AT All!!! But his flaws is not the focus of all of this. My point is good Godly Nigerian men exists (my hubby has friends just like him and they are the same way with their spouses) and good happy marriages exist as well. My brother keeps saying that a woman with low expectations of him and of marriage he does not want and you’d be surprised how many women worldwide have really low expectations of both or one or the other. I.e women that say “all men cheat” “if things don’t work, we can always go our separate ways” those are 2 common statements he keeps hearing and has made him not pursue relationship with some ladies. The same goes for spirituality, it is time we hold our men to a higher standard and expect more from them, trust me they will do their best to live up to them. Why do you think the average Nigerian man hustle like crazy? because we women folk hold them up to high standards when it comes to financial and material things but on many other things we don’t.

    • Ope

      July 5, 2016 at 10:58 pm

      @The Real D, you’ve spoken well. Unlike @deena who had to use “ridiculously stupid”. Shows the knida lady she is.

  30. Gorgeous

    July 5, 2016 at 5:35 pm

    Excuse me when I do not feel sympathy for the female prayer warriors. I think to be the prayer warrior as a woman it means you are very miserable. And these miserable people got this habit from their equally miserable married mother’s and keep spreading this misery as a way of life to other hopeless women in terrible situations. My own reality is that I grew up in a home where my father was a MAN and THE PRAYER WARRIOR! This is a man that smoked and drank and partied in his youth. Even got a baby mama as a result of youthful exuberance. His was a fine boy by all means and his parents were quite respected. But he got married and DECIDED to be a FATHER and a MAN. He also took his role as the LEADER of the home very very seriously. He was cautious and LED by example. So excuse me that is my reality and till today I do not believe in praying for a weak man or man that is not a leader. I will never marry such a man by the way. I have been spoilt by a good example and the peace and love and absolute forgiveness and tolerance my mother enjoyed. With the recent crop of men of today, I will rather marry a LEADEr and a MAN like my father or have my own child or adopt and stay in my lane. I can’t compromise on that as I know better. Heck my background and experience of a good marriage will not let me. When you know what a good marriage is, you know war room and all the other psychotic advise given to women is more damaging to them mentally and emotionally and most often never works. An adult will only be responsible or a good person when they DECIDE to be!

  31. say

    July 5, 2016 at 9:23 pm

    Hi all,we hear all d scary stories from couples dat their marriages were not founded on God n God’s standard for marriage.God says we shd seek first his kingdom n his righteousness n all other things will be added onto us.pple marry for d wrong reasons,some others marry out of desperation,God forbids fornication b4 marriage,he forbids adultery in marriage.pple feel serving God,preaching abt God n being born again is not chic n so they neglect God’s way n do it their way n so they hav scary stories to tell.Uru,ur stories r even mild compared to d one I just heard of a couple being hiv positive as a result of infidelity in their marriage n if u check dis scary stories u find out they’re from couples dat r not Godfering n born again christians who do things in d wordly way.so my dear Uru,u just wrote. Abt what has been bothering me of recent n I thank u for dis write up.pls all marriage is beautiful,filled wit. Peace,love,joy n happiness if we giv our lives to Christ n do it God’s way.don’t be desperate,marry at God’s time for u n do not be unequally yoked wit unbelievers.may. God help us all.Amen.

  32. yes

    July 5, 2016 at 9:35 pm

    These pple dat hav scary stories to tell abt their marriage r simply reaping d seeds they’ve sown,ask dem how they got married n how they’ve been handling their marriages n they’ll tell u dat they’re d architect of their own woes,pls am not judging or mocking anyone buh am simply saying d truth.we can’t win our way buh only God’s way.marriage is good,filled wit love n peace,if both couple will serve God truly n obey God.a word is enough for d wise.

    • Peace

      July 6, 2016 at 3:13 pm

      You are so right esp those who shared their partners. I can’t say snatched I say shared. For you attract what you got. Your own selfishness made you to turn a blind eye to what’s going on around you. Quit playing victim and own up to the part you played. The fear of loneliness should give you sense to accept God’s love for you.

  33. true

    July 5, 2016 at 9:43 pm

    Marriage is beyond sex like d movies,novels paint to us.its beyond d wedding fairytale pix n. Stories we c n read abt.marriage is real n it. Shd depend on God totally.d devil hates what God has created n he will do anything to destroy it.it takes being always close to God n leaving a righteous life n thereby giving no room for d devil to destroy it to. Keep. Marriage beautiful,lovefilled n peaceful.let. Us go on our knees to.God to change us to be his own n giv us Godfearing spouses.for there’s nothing God. Cannot do.it is well.

    • WarriChic

      July 6, 2016 at 1:05 am

      You are not judging anyone ke? So you think that it is only ‘deserving bad women’ that are in bad marriages?
      I agree that a strong foundation and a Godly marriage is paramount – but your thinking that every woman in a bad marriage caused it or deserves it is very false!
      You forget that the decision to have and maintain a good marriage involves the constant effort of 2 imperfect humans. You forget that non-Christians can also have good marriages.
      We see faithful women that married as virgins harbouring all kinds of std’s because of their husbands. No matter how ‘righteous’ you are, you are also dealing with another human being who has his own thinking capacity, desires & faults.

    • Ope

      July 6, 2016 at 3:12 am

      @warrichic Agreed. I’ve also seen a man. Sent to untimely grave after sleeping with his wife that was laced with thunderbolt by her boyfriend. From whatever angle you wanna look at this,the bulk still falls on the woman. You can’t be in a river and still complain of soap in your eyes. While dating a guy,you guys never attend church service,camp/vigils,no outreach,no midnight prayers,you don’t set a day in a week to fast. But you turn up every friday,movies on saturday and indoors on sunday. Abeg God help single ladies in this country

  34. The special one

    July 5, 2016 at 10:23 pm

    I fear the stories on that page.

  35. Muna Andrew

    July 9, 2016 at 9:59 pm

    This describes who I am married to. simply put, apart from cheating and being physically abusive which I have. It noticed from him yet, any other thing that should make me happy, he stops or avoids it. That’s the summary, even though I feel I am giving it all, being used in every angle, it kind of makes me struggle to be a better me by all means, as this consoles me. Did I even mention that this is someone that I dated long enough to have noticed these signs but distance relationship didn’t reveal so much. I am not even allowed to show how unhappy or how cheated I feel sometimes since it will results to malice or even family quarrel . So all I do is pretend and life continues

  36. Toyin

    July 29, 2016 at 4:27 am

    I enjoyed reading this….

  37. Jamce

    July 29, 2016 at 4:54 pm

    Love is not about romantic emotions and feelings, so it is not overrated. It is society that has misinterpreted, defined love and equated it with romance. The classification of “agape” and “romantic’ love is also a faulty human creation to flatter and deceive ourselves into carnal lusts. Love is of God before anything else. LOVE is a conscious decision TO BE OR DO TO OTHERS WHAT YOU WOULD BE OR DO TO YOURSELF. This is of God. It is from this premise that every relationship can stand the real test of time and circumstances of life. Every other profession or confession of love or loving in terms of romantic and/or sexual coupling is deceptive and unsustainable. If we continue to equate or define love in terms of romantic feelings, we will continue to miss it and then continue to be sorrowful in our relationships and marriages.

    The flattering words we relish, petting, gifts, the flowers, romantic/sexual attractions or connections are not the definition of love. True love transcends all these human emotions. When there is true LOVE, there would be faith/ faithfulness and fidelity, there would be care and consideration for each other’s needs without any or much prompting, demand or argument. When there is true love, there would be mutual respect, truth, uplifting, upholding, encouragement, genuine rebuke to correct without offence, there would be mutual understanding and allowance for our human errors and shortcomings. We would emphasize the good in each other, bear and endure each other’s difficult times and also glory together in the good times. How many of us, even so called Christians/Believers understand and have this LOVE in us beside our selfish human desires?

    LOVE does not fade, neither does it expire or have an expiry date. It is romantic and sexual feelings that are capable of fading or expiring.

    For the so-called Christians who are quick to claim that “Satan is fighting marriages” as told to them by their pastors and prophets, it is a great fallacy that direct our minds from self examination in the light of the word of God. Have we sufficiently learnt to LOVE GOD and LOVE our NEIGHBOUR as God commanded? So, it is not Satan but truly our lack of understanding of LOVE and our inability to truly LOVE that is responsible for the sorrows in our so-called relationships and marriages. SHALOM.

  38. Chouchou

    September 20, 2017 at 10:32 pm

    Well well… So much righteous indignation in the comments section. Why am I not surprised?

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