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Queen F. Queen: Friendships… The Older the Better? Maybe Not!

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dreamstime_m_25131313Through my journey in life, one of the many things I have struggled with is letting go of my childhood friends.

I didn’t have a fantasy childhood and so, I really wanted to keep the little beings that one way or the other showed me love when life wasn’t so much fun and I had little or nothing to offer them.

I felt like I owed it to pay them back for sticking with someone like me; yet, through the years I have continually struggled to keep them all. They just left one at a time or even together.

And for everyone I lost, I blamed myself. I reprimanded myself saying it was either my character or maybe the lack of it that didn’t make them stay. That guilt, not only made me unapproachable to potential friends, but also unattractive to the very little ones I had left… and yet again, most left.

It was such an emotional burden and I kept struggling.

I remember how I had planned in my heart that when I turn 50 years old, I would have at least a friend with whom we would happily celebrate 30 years of close friendship and our families would also be so close that our husbands will be best friends and maybe our children will even date/get married to each other. Hahaha….Silly goal!

This silly goal of mine hasn’t only caused me to carry the unnecessary emotional burden of having to protect what is not, but also get hurt too deep because I didn’t want to let go.

I mean, I could cry for nights if I had a heated argument with a close friend just because I couldn’t bear to think of us breaking up. Hitherto, the break ups always happened.

(Fear never kept anything anyway).

Finally, I grew mature emotionally and realized that friendship should not be stressful and although there are down times just like in a romantic relationship, it must still feel so pleased and never toxic. It shouldn’t be life- draining, self-esteem/confidence damaging and neither should it be depressing.

I have learned that some friends will not feel the same way I feel or maybe they do, but will never put in as much effort as I put or is needed; and after I must have communicated as often and sincere as I could, I can let go if it isn’t what I want.

I have also learned not to keep a friend out of guilt, but keep one because we both want the friendship.

Even though I get so POSITIVELY jealous when I see people flaunt their BFFs, I always remind myself of a friend’s Facebook quote that says, “Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest. It’s about who walked into your life, said ‘I’m here for you’ and proved it”.

Thus, I know it’s not too late.

Who says by age 50 I won’t have had a cool friend for at least a decade who has shown she wants to be in my life as much as I want to be in her life forever… (smiles)

Wishing you Love, Peace, and Friendship!

Photo Credit: Andreblais | Dreamstime.com

21 Comments

  1. Liz

    August 26, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    This is such a lovely article. The friendship walk is one of the hardest to go through. We talk a lot about romantic relationships in our society, yet not about friendships. I’ve been where you are, I’ve tasted it, been confused and even felt sick over it. I went through a period of not understanding why. But truthly my dear, the reality is nobody owes you anything. Everything is God’s grace. Human beings have their own needs and desires. People often leave because of their own issues and emotions. The problem is they rarely communicate this to the other person. I do encourage you to keep your heart open to friendship. It’s never about how long you have known someone, it’s usually about how two souls can connect be vulnerable and open, both allowing that person into your heart.

    • Queen

      September 1, 2016 at 1:32 pm

      Thank you for reading.

  2. Exotique

    August 26, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    I smile any time someone addresses something I have wondered about. In between moving a lot and being conservative I discovered I do not have much friends. Loads of acquaintances but very few ‘close’ friends. And like the writer above, I used to fret and wonder if there was something I had done or was doing wrong until I realized that Friendship in its true sense is not rife with negative emotions/actions. I see people struggle so much to sustain some friendships. Buy expensive asoebi and grumble behind said friend. Accept to do something you do not want to do for a friend then look for excuses out of it. Claim to be someone’s “ride or die” chic yet stab the person in the back. I concentrate on being the best I can be in my relationships and living peaceably with all men as much as possible. –

    • yettyclassy

      August 26, 2016 at 2:38 pm

      That asoebi ish, u buy u r a good friend, u dont buy omo u don turn bad friend

    • Red

      August 26, 2016 at 4:40 pm

      You just said everything I could have said. ???

  3. E-O

    August 26, 2016 at 2:25 pm

    Thank you so much. You have touched a place I thought no one could reach. Thank you. ?

    • Queen

      September 1, 2016 at 1:33 pm

      Thank you for reading.

  4. yettyclassy

    August 26, 2016 at 2:29 pm

    Amazing article, ive always had issues with friends as well, d most recent being a scenario with a supposed friend who has personality issues and feels controlling me makes her feel better…i had to let her go eventually

    • Queen

      September 1, 2016 at 1:33 pm

      Thank you

  5. Bodunade

    August 26, 2016 at 2:44 pm

    Jill Scott – Golden

  6. Baby gurl

    August 26, 2016 at 3:11 pm

    When I see people that have like 10-20 friends or more it’s like the weirdest shit to me honestly. I literally have like 1 friend whom I appreciate. It’s a two sided relationship too. My other friends from uni and high school fell from friends to acquaintances. It’s life we move on. The only issue tho is who will be my bridesmaids at my coming wedding lol but who cares. I’ve got my dear sister and my one friend. Anyone with a problem with me having only two bridesmaids can choose to roast rice. I won’t choose girls just to parade that day like some brides do. Friendship should be effortless and not forced. Once it feels like stress, by all means please walk away. That’s not to cancel out the need to consciously make a friendship work. Paradoxical?

  7. Tosin

    August 26, 2016 at 4:54 pm

    I love Queens! Stay Queenly! Respect.

    • Queen

      September 1, 2016 at 1:33 pm

      Thank you

  8. AHausaChickInToronto

    August 26, 2016 at 6:46 pm

    Lovely article, if it was about man or marriage you would see a million comments……… As for me I have given up on close friendships (I don’t think it’s for me). what I do now, is to make a positive or significant impact on people’s lives without expecting anything in return. I don’t have any close friends but my life is the best it’s ever been (mentally, emotionally and spiritually).

  9. Pellz

    August 26, 2016 at 7:06 pm

    Out with it girl! It can be really hard to come to terms with the fact that someone left on their own especially when you can’t point out one thing you did to make them leave. Most people in this part of the world would assume you guys fought so they start lecturing you on forgiveness. It sucks. I have come to the understanding that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And when their time is up, we cannot make them stay.

  10. eboma

    August 26, 2016 at 9:26 pm

    Sigh! This article so speaks to me. I lost my best friend 2 years ago to cancer. After she passed, I held on to so many toxic friendships for the fear of not having a friend. I recently came to terms with being self sufficient. I concentrate on my job, my sight hustle and my daughter. I’m a single mother. No more unnecessary late nights. Sundays are for lunching out with my daughter and beauty care. S artisans for business. I go out when I feel like with my ‘social friends ‘ and we actually have fun. No deep discussions. Just chit chat and laugh. Supprisingly I don’t miss the friends I had such a hard time letting go. Funny right. We still keep in touch , it was nothing dramatic, I just kept my distance until the new rythme fell into place. I’m soo much more at peace in my life now. I haven’t given up on true friendship, I just need it to flow naturally.

    • Queen

      September 1, 2016 at 1:35 pm

      So sorry about your friend. I’m sure true friendship isn’t so far from your reach. Wishing you all the best.

  11. Eme

    August 26, 2016 at 9:44 pm

    I’ve always been a very reserved person and most times people even think I’m a snub but I’m a really jovial person within. I’ve never been one to have a massive pack of friends and most times I tend to be the one trying to hard to keep the friendship. It’s not like I’m a horrible person, though yes, like very other human, I have my own flaws. I used to wonder if there was something really off about me when I see so many girl cliques with such a unique bond and I really do crave for that one special friend who would care for me as much I would her. Though I have sisters and we’re hella close, but sometimes you just crave that one starnger turned sister. It’ll really be a nice thing to have and I haven’t given up on finding that unique friendship. Hopefully, as I’m about changing environment for a while, I’ll get to meet that nice and loyal friend. I’m not a lesbian oh before people start getting wrong ideas.

    • "changing moniker"

      August 27, 2016 at 11:36 am

      Haha

  12. Naijatalk

    August 27, 2016 at 4:47 pm

    There was an Aunty Bella story recently on this topic. Most of us shared on that post that in reality we have one or two friends which for some is one too many. Maintaining friendships gets harder the older you become, and some of us become resigned and give up altogether.

  13. Chekwube

    August 27, 2016 at 8:21 pm

    after uni,me and my bff parted ways due to life’s callings. I tried making new friends and new bff(s)?but it just wasnt clicking. I’m a quiet person, I love reading novels and so I have gotten used to being my own best friend for now until I find the next lady that will be ready to be my bff,prayer buddy, healthy eating buddy and exercise buddy..and if I don’t get then so be it..I ain’t gonna settle for less…meanwhile I will still be hello-ing and hi-ing at all the potential friends turned acquaintances.

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