The Journey to ‘I Am’ with Tolu Falode: Divorce Was Her Only Option

She stared into the distance as thoughts gathered and scattered-contemplating her existence. She questioned each and every moment she had allowed to lead up to this particular tangent. She was quiet but she was also sure-she was scared but she could not pretend anymore. Why was there so much confusion in a clear picture? Why could she not see past the pain to encourage her to make that final decision?

She knew what she had to do but she could not find the courage to face the prescription. She could not find the words to convey her position-she was not sure how to say she could not stay anymore-she could not remain a friend and pretend to be a companion.

She twirled her ring around weighing the gravity of her decision. She pondered loudly on the cost it will have on her children-the decision to move away from this conversation. To not pretend like he cared anymore, to stop ignoring the scents of deception. She touched her face lightly remembering the times he had decorated her features with his position. She twitched in pain as she remembered that encounter that had thrown her into this decision.

Her children had watched and kept silent as she tried to explain daddy’s situation. She was not sure why she had allowed them to witness such a display of affection. Her son may decide that was how love was expressed instead of lies etched on her features. Her daughter-at this point-she smiled quietly as she remembered her eyes goggled widely with fear and anxiety. Her daughter may be raised into a situation where she believes men show love through fists of affection-she could not stand by and allow those thoughts of demonic desperation take root in her future seeds of salvation. So she kept still and sighed-trying so hard not to cry. Trying to remember when his words where not a lie; trying to remember the laughter she once experienced by looking into his eyes. She struggled because she could not see past the lies-she could remember the wedding day so clearly it brought tears to her eyes. She had seen a hint of anger before she testified that she would love and protect him till she died-before she took her marriage vows she knew she was walking into a path littered with lies. But he had also sworn to protect her and she winced as she remembered he had lied.

But he was so good at conveying his sorrow after each blow that left her mesmerized-trying to reconcile the man that showered her with affection with this monster that seemed to use only his fists for communication. She had tried-and she agreed to marry him in the presence of his lies; she had taken her vows with witnesses surrounding her silently warning her to turn away from this man. But she had loved him and went ahead with the vows. Now she was not sure anymore about her decision-she twirled that ring around-looking through the pictures-memories captured of laughter that only showed an illusion.

She had to protect her children from his deception-before he polluted their future aspirations. So she decided there and then-divorce was her only option.

But with that decision came a silent release of anxiety-she could finally feel life coursing through her being-rather than the silent palpitations of a heart beat that remained unsure of how his fists would decorate her reality. She could hear the whisper of society-already words forming of how she should have stayed married-who would date a woman carrying another man’s seeds in her daily activities? But she didn’t care; someone somewhere would recognize her for who she truly was and her children were the center of her core-she carried more than what her husband had decided would be her all. The weight of her decision made her blink in contemplation-it would mean she would have to face financial adjustments and societal embarrassment but what other choice was there?

To be buried in the place of her frustration? Leaving her children to be cast as the wind pleases in any direction?

No-her life was worth more-she would make the adjustments and move silently as she planned alternate arrangements-the strength of her decision lay a pathway for action as she grew more certain of her situation-divorce was her only option but it was also the door to a future filled with life instead of decorated with death in every blow he used to mark her face with his frustration.

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Have you ever been/are you currently in this situation? How did you find the courage to move forward?