Tolu Falode: So You Were Ghosted… Now What?

You thought your relationship was going well. It was perfect: you would talk to each other every day, exchange texts, messages, video calls, voice notes – you got comfortable with him. You talked about him to your friends, you became really excited about where you thought the relationship could go, what you thought it could become, how you were going to plan the wedding – you allowed your mind to travel in thinking about this man and the possibilities.

And then one day, it just stopped. He stopped picking calls. At first you were worried; what if something was wrong? Maybe he’s just busy. You talked about it with friends and they told you to give it time. Slowly, they got quiet because it became obvious he was no longer interested. Or so you thought. He texted you at his convenience and gave you no rational explanation for his behavior. He became hard to reach and difficult to talk to.

At some stage, you could have sworn he blocked your number because you could no longer reach him. The dreams of a wedding has been shredded and the possibility of introducing him to your parents is gone like the wind. The thought of carrying his last name has now left an unsettling taste in your mouth and you realize that you have been ghosted.

At this point, many thoughts would have gone through your mind: ‘why is this happening to me?’ ‘What did I do wrong?’ ‘I can’t believe this’.

You would have also gone through the 5 stages of grief: denial that it’s happening, anger that he could try this with you, bargaining with the idea that maybe he’ll come back and he just needed some space, depression at the thought that you were not enough and finally acceptance – although bitter acceptance – that it has indeed happened and you were ghosted.

Now you’re wondering what next?

Here’s what you should do in this situation:

Send a message expressing yourself

Let this be the only message you send. No response after this and no conversation. This is your block and delete message. This is the message where you express yourself for the sake of your closure and peace of mind. This message should encompass how you feel, what you think about the whole situation and why you are now moving forward. I repeat: this is your block and delete message. After this message, don’t reach out to him and don’t allow him reach out to you. This is why it is important you express yourself fully in this message so you know you are done and you would not have any regrets, moving forward. You have given yourself the gift of closure.

Look at what you did wrong

It’s time to examine the situation. Maybe you moved too fast with this man? Maybe you opened up too quickly? Maybe you let him in too soon? Maybe you got too close? Maybe you had way too many expectations from him…

Do a self-examination, so you do not have to relive this experience again in another relationship. This is the stage where you question where you are presently, where you’re coming from and where you are going.

Ask yourself what you have to offer in a relationship

Ask yourself what you have to offer in a relationship: What are you bringing to the table? What makes you unique as a partner? Where do you flourish and thrive? What qualities make you stand out amongst your circle of friends, colleagues and even family members? Now build on those areas; make your strengths stronger and also work on your weaknesses. This is important so you learn to value yourself and your time. When you do this, it’ll be much harder for a man to waste your time because you have placed a priority on it.

Ask yourself what kind of man you desire

Now that we’re clear on getting your closure, taking a microscope through your own mistakes and building on those qualities you’re bringing into a relationship, you can now take a step back and ask: “What kind of man do I actually desire?” This question is important to ask when you’re single and unattached to avoid falling into any situationships and unfulfilling relationships. Do you desire a man that’s financially stable? A man that’s secure? A man that doesn’t come with drama? A man that’s fit, eloquent, well balanced? Write it down and make sure you’re clear on what you desire.

Now, align yourself 

Alignment, at this stage, is important. Align yourself by cutting off any excess weight and removing extra luggage – this could be friendships, it could be hobbies and habits, it could also be self-destructive patterns. It really could be anything, and as long as it weighs you down and brings negativity into your life, you have to cut it out. After you have done this, replace that space with more positive activities: start that business, change your habits and hobbies, work on your attitude, take up hobbies that align with the kind of man you desire because it will be easier for you to identify him and attract him.

This is what you do after being ghosted. This is how you handle moving on and moving all the way up from that situation. This is how you change your space and become more positive instead of sinking deeper into a pit of self-pity.