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Nkem Ndem: The Lure of Another Girl’s Man



Nkem NdemQuite recently, at a friend’s game night revelry, I made the fatal error of joining in on a “truth or dare” game. To be honest, I did not pay attention to the rules when it was being stated as I have played the game one too many times and felt “too cool to be schooled”. Unfortunately, I landed myself in a twister and now, I have to share my most recent break-up story here on BN or risk losing integrity among a few “mean” friends. So, here’s the story:

Several months back, as I worked on my computer, I got a buzz on Skype, but did not reply as I couldn’t recognise the name. Two days later, the ID sent another message: ‘hi, it’s me, u there?” Curiosity got the better of me. So, I decided to find out who it was. Worst case scenario, he would be a pervert from Egypt looking to share photos of his genitals and I will block him.

“You, who?” I typed in reply as I could not place the face on his profile page nor remember meeting any man with the name “Tosin” (not his real name obviously). He went on to explain that I had met him about seven years ago while I was in my 300level at Covenant University. I had been visiting Ibadan during one of the Easter holidays to chill with a friend in her family home when we were introduced. It all seemed vague and I was already about to write him off, as a con artist, when he did something that completely took my breath away. He sent a picture of me he had secretly taken one of the evenings we were hanging at a bar in IB. The minute I saw the picture, all the memories flooded back. It was incredibly romantic! The dude had saved and carried the picture with him all this time. I remembered that I had fancied him back then, but thanks to CU’s no-phone policy, we could hardly make anything work. Now he was in the US, working as a research assistant in a science lab and I was here in Lagos hustling to get the bills paid. Thanks to technology, we could finally actually make things work!

“And why are you still single?” he asked a few days after we started talking.
“I never told you I was single. Why would you ask that?” I replied playfully.
“Oh wow, so you are saying there is a dude I have to contend with? Oh my God, are you married?”
“No, silly” I laughed “well, not yet. I should be the one worried that you may have a baby mama in Ibadan. You Yoruba demons are not to be trusted”
“Oh really? And you Igbo girls are the purest? I am as free as a bird, my heart belongs to no one at the moment…although, I see you holding the key pretty soon.”
A very cheesy response and I should have asked for a much more specific response, but being the hopeless romantic, I swallowed it all hook, line, and sinker.

The next few months were magical, we Skyped literally every minute we could both squeeze out. It was so easy to talk to him, we discussed his assignments and experiments. We talked about my articles (the dude researched and read every single word I have written on the internet). We made plans for when we would see each other as he had persuaded me to let him buy me a return ticket to see him in New York for the summer. He was in Florida but knew I was obsessed with NY and so, wanted us to meet there. By the third month, we had dark circles around our eyes from nights we both stayed awake trying to bridge the time gap between us.

Things were basically going rosy until the horrid Thursday morning. Tosin had unexpectedly gone mute for a whole day. Extremely worried as it was the first time in like 3 months that I did not get to speak to him at 2-3 hours interval, and we had had a very juicy conversation the day before, I sent him a message on Whatsapp asking him if he was okay. He did not reply, instead, he called back via mobile network about 2 hours later. “Nkem, I have to tell you something. I want us to take this relationship further, but I know we cannot do it with secrets”. I had mixed feelings as I did not know what he wanted to say. “ok, what is it?” I asked with fake bravado “Ok. uhmm…I have a sort of girlfriend” he responded with a broken voice. As the words rolled off his tongue, I felt my heart constrict so painfully. I would have preferred a confession to having HIV or being an illegal immigrant really.
According to him, he had met a girl shortly after our Ibadan rendezvous and the girl had stuck with him even though she knew he did not really love her and he had cheated on her several times. The worst part was, she was also in the US although in another city. She was the one who helped him process his admission, e.t.c. Tosin claimed he had never taken money from her and he had been wanting to leave her for a long time. He said falling in love with me was confirmation she was not the one for him. His tale seemed authentic, but as I listened to him in silence, my head did all sorts of calculations.
First, this girl is in the US and was in closer proximity to him. Secondly, six years is not beans; she would forever have some sort of hold on him. Finally he had lied to me all this time and had comfortably cheated with me, what’s to say he won’t cheat on me too later on… It was already a lost battle, and no way in hell was I going to be the reason a girl loses a man she has loved for six years. I know karma is real.

‘Tosin, I’m terribly sorry, but I think it’s best we end this. I can’t, I am not that girl.” I responded after a long silence and cut the call.

I have always been an all or nothing girl, and certainly, if the hands of time were turned, I’d still make the same choice… but honestly, dropping the phone was possibly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in years. Of course, he called incessantly for the next one month or more, sending me all sorts of messages, some loving, some filled with pain, some just showing how angry he was at me for reacting the way I did. One of the messages that he sent that still haunts me till date was: “did you even really love me? How is it so easy for you to just cut me off like this? How? How are you surviving without me” Several times I have been tempted to respond to him and give him some sort of closure…or maybe even get him to dump his old girlfriend and be with me, but I do not want to set myself up in any way.

I can’t help wondering though… do you think I made the right decision letting him go? What would you have done if you were in my shoes?

Nkem Ndem is an energetic and highly accomplished Media Consultant who loves to help small businesses, especially women-led, grow their online presence using the right digital strategy or transition from traditional organizational boundaries. With years of experience in Copywriting and Editing, Content Branding and Strategy, Social media, and Digital Marketing, she is clearly obsessed with Digital Communications. She is the Head of Content and Lead Consultant at Black Ink Media - an Ideation and Content Agency that excels in providing fresh, creative digital services to content-centric businesses. Find out more about her at or send her an e-mail at [email protected] Also follow her on IG: @nkemndemv, Twitter: @ndemv.


  1. bodunade

    October 10, 2016 at 5:34 pm

    Tosin O we need to hang out like yesterday…..

    • bodunade

      October 10, 2016 at 5:35 pm

      Saturday, maybe ?

    • Move on Bodunade

      October 18, 2016 at 9:38 am

      Maybe its time to move on and stop letting some girl fro your past ruin your future.

  2. hadiza

    October 10, 2016 at 5:35 pm

    u did well my girl. You have integrity. I know most senseless Nigerian pussies would have jumped at the opportunity because their only reason for breathing is marriage. I applaud you for your decision. I could never imagine myself in ur situation bcos I stay clear of men, but u did good, girl.

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 10, 2016 at 6:19 pm

      Good on you. Stay clear of them. ALL Nigerian men are pigs.

    • Cross

      October 10, 2016 at 7:03 pm

      Awwww, sorry to hear about your loss.

    • SA

      October 10, 2016 at 9:30 pm

      Oh oh, here come the BN feminists ???

    • Prince

      October 11, 2016 at 4:25 pm

      Including you dad and his dad

    • Dolly

      October 10, 2016 at 7:31 pm

      Girl tell me, how did he wreck you…..whats your story I’m curious

    • Anon

      October 10, 2016 at 11:42 pm

      Shut up doll face. You’re actually using heartbreak to mock someone because you’re feeling like something cool

    • Dolly

      October 11, 2016 at 6:19 pm

      Ok you have my attention Anon how can I help your redundant state of mind?
      My initial comment was for Hadiza you moron

  3. oo

    October 10, 2016 at 6:03 pm

    u missed out on a trip to New York? Whats the matter with you?

    • Intellij

      October 11, 2016 at 7:09 am

      Integrity maybe?

  4. Ndokipikin

    October 10, 2016 at 6:07 pm

    #spreadsmatandreading comments

  5. Marlvina

    October 10, 2016 at 6:10 pm

    You made the right decision! Cus if eventually you both dated, he would have done exactly same to you with some other babe!

  6. hian

    October 10, 2016 at 6:13 pm

    This girl, you are not okay!!!!! See free trip. You should have travelled so you can explain to him face to face why you can’t be with him. Simple. At least get something.

  7. Nelson

    October 10, 2016 at 6:13 pm

    What might have been…

  8. Tessa Doghor

    October 10, 2016 at 6:15 pm

    You did the right thing
    You go girl
    You will get a prince charming you don’t have to be a warden over
    No matter what that guy says, he was one chance.

  9. A Real Nigerian

    October 10, 2016 at 6:18 pm

    The premise of this article is incredibly lame, but sadly, not as lame as the article itself.

    • bodunade

      October 10, 2016 at 6:46 pm

      Nkem doesn’t disappoint . man!man!!man!!!! all men are demons abi. the dildo joke is old already . I love you still, keep writing .

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 10, 2016 at 7:13 pm


    • hian

      October 10, 2016 at 8:23 pm

      You are not even making sense. At least be coherent let’s know how to hep you.

    • hian

      October 10, 2016 at 8:26 pm

      @A real Nigerian, I’m referring to you.

    • aj

      October 11, 2016 at 5:03 am

      looooool obviously so called real nigerian is a troll. Dont pay it any mind!

    • SA

      October 10, 2016 at 9:32 pm

      Who ate your cookie “real Nigerian”? Really, how can we help?

  10. Nicez

    October 10, 2016 at 6:19 pm

    Nkem ndem where have you been since, I have kind of missed you. Welcome back.

    • Nkem Ndem

      October 10, 2016 at 7:57 pm

      Thanks love 🙂

    • beebe

      October 11, 2016 at 8:12 am

      well done girl….. salute…. you are indeed a queen. you did the right thing letting him go.

  11. Different

    October 10, 2016 at 6:22 pm

    Firstly, if she didn’t mean anything to him, why did he bring it up with you. There was no need, no point. All telling you accomplished was creating doubt in your mind. He could have just broken it off with her. For him to bring it up means he would have still been dating her behind ur back. You did a good thing leaving his ass!

  12. AceOfSpades

    October 10, 2016 at 6:22 pm

    I think he just wants to upgrade you from secret side chic to known side chic.

    I am not proud to say this but I have had friends (not one or two) who have paid for trips from New York to Dubai, Naija to Dubai, UK to TX, USA all so they can straff the girl and move on to the normal girlfriend. This girls they fly are not runs girls so offering to pay for flight isn’t really a sign on ‘love’. The girls end up being hooked after ‘confession’ and they turn side chics which I think is this guy’s plan. He’d breakup with her long before you even begin to notice if he was really serious. I know because I’ve kinda sorta been there.


    October 10, 2016 at 6:24 pm

    One can’t categorically say you did the right or wrong thing, as someone who has been in a similar situation as the guy, the pace at which events unfold, makes it hard to come forward from start that there’s “someone”. He had good intention for letting you know at least that early, because believe me, if he was really bad, he would string you along, considering there’s lot of distance between. You are the sole beneficiary of the consequence of your decisions, personally I think you made a harsh, because you were hurt and you probably don’t like drama.

    • ifii

      October 11, 2016 at 8:49 am

      Men will forever sympathise with men. He had a gf but was actively engaging another female. Why will you play with fire hoping you wont get burned.
      The lady did the right thing. I wont advise her to change her actions for the world. No point going into what already has k-leg.

  14. Nahum

    October 10, 2016 at 6:29 pm

    Seriously Nkem, please tell me that you are smarter than this. Did you really believe his stupid story? The girl clung to him for six years, he never collected money from her (who asked him?), he does not love her, she helped him process his admission. I will not give up attacking 9ja women until you all force yourselves to THINK!!!! This man hasn’t inadvertently told you he is a user and he used that girl to get into school and she is most probably paying for him. I am glad you gave up on him, there is hope yet.

  15. king Bey

    October 10, 2016 at 6:29 pm

    Girl you did the right thing because I wld have done the same,yes you heard me correctly I wld do the same…I hate relationships with drama mbok

  16. Author Unknown

    October 10, 2016 at 6:42 pm

    Have you spent more than 20% of your time in the last several months on ‘Tosin’s” issues? – Chimamanda.

    • Nkem Ndem

      October 10, 2016 at 7:58 pm

      LOL. @Author unknown, we should be friends…if we aren’t already.

    • Author Unknown

      October 11, 2016 at 12:40 am

      Lol. I no lie na. We’re already friends my dear. Just never met 🙂 On a serious note, and not to mock Chimamanda, as I respect her for what she does, you should consider doing an article on her 20% rule. I think it makes sense, and maybe it could help put things in perspective for far too many Nigerian/African women who live for the menfolk. To each his own at the end of the day, but it should make for an interesting read. And don’t ask me to write it and submit. Lol. Love you girl, and keep doing your thing.

  17. Liz

    October 10, 2016 at 7:04 pm

    I think you did the right thing.. If the guy really did not care so much for the girl as he tried to let on, what stops him from breaking up with her. Why mention her to you if he had no intention of breaking up with her. Instead he let’s you know he has a girlfriend he doesn’t really love and he expects you to hang on, even though you know he has another girlfriend. That Situation my dear is what we refer to as being a side chick.

  18. Great Lady

    October 10, 2016 at 7:18 pm

    You did the right thing girl, if I were in your shoes, I would have done the exact same thing. He’s a user and a very unserious human being.

  19. Olsnetwork

    October 10, 2016 at 7:25 pm

    Bella Naija check ur mail na, answer my voicemail

  20. Dolly

    October 10, 2016 at 7:29 pm

    You did the right thing coz your heart said no and you followed it.

    Now if you hung on to the memories of him since those years you guys first met when this other lady wasn’t in the picture or share some sort of affinity, giving it a shot is a given. I mean we all hate to be a ‘Angelina’ till we meet the one we thought was the man of our dreams.

    • Nkem Ndem

      October 10, 2016 at 7:57 pm

      Yeah, but that’s the thing, Angelina is divorced now isn’t she? where did the love she thought she had go?

    • Dolly

      October 10, 2016 at 10:55 pm

      Right, but that’s why i said ‘thought’….and pulling an Angelina or not, what won’t last -won’t

    • Anon

      October 10, 2016 at 11:45 pm

      Okay, no wonder! Dolly you’ve been someone’s side chick and caused your fellow woman heartache. After ranting like saint Nweje yesterday. you people will just be exposing yourselves

    • Truth

      October 11, 2016 at 11:02 am

      Sorry Anon, I sense you have a personal beef with dolly, she never implied that she was a side chicken ?. Na you dey imagine that one.

    • Dolly

      October 11, 2016 at 2:55 pm

      Lol No worries Truth, Anon is slow and she’s allowed to have vapid moments.

  21. Lucinda

    October 10, 2016 at 7:51 pm

    This was a situationship waiting to happen. Sounds like a Yoruba demon too. A Hausa man will just tell you straight “I’m looking for a second wife”. This is not a joke, it’s getting serious. Even his friends will join and call you “iyawo wa”. Too much sugar in the mouth. Read the part where he’s asking if you ever liked him. Mumu reverse psychology. You need to exercise caution with these guys and ask them questions like kindergarteners.
    “Is anybody your girlfriend? ”
    “Are you anybody’s boyfriend?”
    Then you repeat the questions and replace the words “girlfriend” and ” boyfriend” with fiancee, fiancé, husband and wife. These all mean different things to these guys.

    • Sisi

      October 11, 2016 at 12:09 am

      This is it, you have to be asking these (stupid) basic questions because people like too much hanky panky in this 2016.

  22. You know

    October 10, 2016 at 8:09 pm

    Nkemka…This story is not complete. You know it, I know it. He told you he was going to break up with her. He has broken up wit her. Your stubbornness is the issue here….even though he still likes that about you. You know what you need to do.

    • Shior

      October 10, 2016 at 9:14 pm

      Welcome uncle Tosin

    • Netizen

      October 10, 2016 at 9:32 pm

      Ndo o uncle Tosin. She say she no do again, na by force?

    • Krasavitsa

      October 10, 2016 at 11:47 pm

      The hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that he really has broken up with main chick and that he genuinely loves Nkem because seriously, he actually has been reading her write ups so much that he’s come to comment.

    • ATL's finest

      October 12, 2016 at 4:23 am

      @ You Know ????????Uncle Tosin keple ooo na only U waka come. What ever happened to U telling her the truth from the beginning??? Well dearest writer U did the right thing cuz these Men ain’t LOYAL. So glad u didn’t fall for all that phony fake Research lab man/Americana :)..

  23. Story of My Life

    October 10, 2016 at 8:36 pm

    I can totally relate to your experience Nkem. Something similar happened to me last year. I got ‘a bit too close’ to a colleague at work, things escalated and I would go to his house on weekends, he’ll drop me home after work. We weren’t in a relationship officially (he never asked me out) and I was not exactly looking to be in a relationship, but we were intimate.

    That is how I was working one day jejely and he texted me (he was on leave), uncle starts accusing me of not caring about him because I never asked if he were in a relationship and whatnot. Finally, i ask if he were in a relationship and he says yes. I called him immediately to confirm what he said and he responded in the affirmative. Went on to justify his stupidity by saying ‘men always get carried away’, not only that, he wanted us to continue what we had going on, that at least he came out clean with me. I hung up and go on with work.

    This uncle will not leave me alone, bugging my phone with texts and calls. I eventually blocked the idiot. He gets another line and sends me a long ass message saying that he can’t believe that I could not fight for him – as that is what women do: fight for their man, went on to say that I never had feelings for him or liked him cos I moved on so fast. Uncle, Abeg what was I supposed to do?

    He resumes work and I avoid him as much as I can. Fortunately, he was moved to another department on a different floor some weeks later.

    I am a firm believer in karma and not taking what is not mine. May God give us our own prince charming. I can’t deal with stupid guys. Sorry for the long epistle ?.

    • ME

      October 10, 2016 at 10:04 pm

      But my dear you became intimate without getting a definition for what exactly you two were doing? Haba. That is why the uncle thought it would be fairly easy to make you a side chick with your own consent.
      And you know that GOD will give you a prince charming of your own? Well wait on God. If you believe in God then step it up by trusting in him. Imagine if Prince charming showed up for Snow White but she was already pregnant for one of the dwarfs? Fairy tale don end be that. No happily ever after. So conduct yourself like a princess. Random uncles should not be able to describe your curves and features anyhow.

    • Lucinda

      October 10, 2016 at 10:43 pm

      She said she was not looking to be in a relationship. Besides this, It’s not only men who enjoy/seek sex.

  24. LemmeRant

    October 10, 2016 at 8:43 pm

    Wait fess 🙂

    You mean to tell me no one is going to pull the “there are two sides to a story card?”
    Well here you go: There are two sides to a story. P

    • Naijatalk

      October 11, 2016 at 11:41 am

      See second side for your reading pleasure.

      You know October 10, 2016 at 8:09 pm
      Nkemka…This story is not complete. You know it, I know it. He told you he was going to break up with her. He has broken up wit her. Your stubbornness is the issue here….even though he still likes that about you. You know what you need to do.

  25. dupsy

    October 10, 2016 at 8:43 pm

    Nkem dear you did the right thing cos once a player will always be a player, once a crook will always be a crook and if it sounds like a duck, looks like a duck then it is most likely a duck! Thank God you have good judgement skills, your own man will find you out without any baggage or lame duck story attached to him!

  26. hmmm

    October 10, 2016 at 8:48 pm

    all these Nigerian men in the US doing PhD or research … very very suspect
    my own story is similar. almost moved to america, remain small, i would have truncated my rising career to go and meet man in America,. as always, na God save me

  27. Fifi

    October 10, 2016 at 8:51 pm

    Let me be a demon, he wasnt married, he was a free agent so he was fair game,i would have gone on the trip sha to see where the road would lead to

    • Yimu

      October 11, 2016 at 8:33 am

      You fit say the same thing if your man do the thing this one did? It’s easy for people to write things off easily till it happens to them.

    • ifii

      October 11, 2016 at 8:52 am

      Awon aye

  28. Anon Today

    October 10, 2016 at 9:47 pm

    “One of the messages he sent that still haunts me till date was :’did you even really love me? How is it so easy for you to just cut me off like this? How? How are you surviving without me?’ ”
    If you were haunted by that ‘washing’ it means that:
    a) you’re a nice person finding yourself guilty for no reason. It happens;
    b) you’re probably naive (no disrespect); or
    c) You still feel something for him despite the baggage.
    I guess he expected a mix of those three options, especially the the last one. He’s probably in a situation where it would be difficult to have you in NY and still shield the main chic from your notice. Maybe they communicate always. So often that you must notice when you get there. Hence, the need to confess, hoping you’ll still play along because you feel something for him and would be glad to jet out to the Big Apple for fun.
    Well, so I see it.

  29. ME

    October 10, 2016 at 9:50 pm

    Girl is that even a question? Nkem you KNOW already that you did the right thing. You were just waiting to be entertained by the comments: the good, the neutral and the crazy. 🙂 Maybe it is all bitter sweet because you did speak with him for months & had plans to travel. Your time and hopes were invested in this sham. Total bad market of a fellow. Original Yoruba demon. And that line about how you could survive without him gives it all away. He was hoping you were hooked enough not to back out. Fool said he was free as kini again? Anyway like I said, you did the right thing. As for those who will sell their soul for flight to New York, very funny, the world is messed up ooo and unless you know exactly what you are going to New York to do, you may find yourself a chained sex slave one day all because of longer throat.

  30. ME

    October 10, 2016 at 9:55 pm

    Oh one more thing Nkem, BLOCK THAT DISRESPECTFUL NI**A ASAP. Block him on all communication platforms possible, remember you are dealing with a demon & if your heart is not jealousy guarded, he may yet succeed.

    • Yahoo

      October 10, 2016 at 11:42 pm

      Yassss!! Best comment yet,block him please. Flee from all appearances of evil and this demon right here is evil!!!
      Guard your heart, it’s not meant for pigs like this…..

  31. Anonymous

    October 10, 2016 at 10:46 pm

    Girl, you totally did the right thing. At least, he told you the truth unlike the one that happened to me. Lied and denied the girl to my very face. Forming we will see what’s up, and me thinking that we were in it together, not wanting to push, agreed. Next thing, attitude. Next thing, ignoring and yada yada. Less than a month, i heard that nigga don go do marriage rights for the same girl???. I was hurt and felt so disrespected but mehn, i am not one to stay down for long, don’t know hownto do that. I am all walking on sunshine. Lol. So, be thankful that he came out clean and didnt lead u on till finding your way back won’t be easy. Way to go girlie. Wish i had gotten the chance you had.

  32. Ijmama

    October 10, 2016 at 11:07 pm

    I know most people live together as partners in Uk. Most times they rent a place together and share the bills. Though they r technically not married but society accepts them. Most people are stuck with this type of relationship just for economic reasons, even though love might have died. I would have suggested you came closer and see things for yourself , but would advice you have an alternative accommodation in case she’s the main occupant of the house. Some people are in a relationship they know will never lead to marriage and still celebrate it for like “we r 10 years together”!!! Sensible people knows exactly what they want in life. I would have gone and make further arrangements but am the curious one.

  33. Deedee

    October 10, 2016 at 11:57 pm

    Hmm my friend got close to one Yoruba demon at work. I even encouraged her to dump her bobo for him. One Saturday she called him he said he was stuck at the mechanics workshop didn’t know she had his cousin on her Bbm. That day was his introduction. His cousin put the picture of his intro as her dp. These guys r never single or without a babe when u meet them. They never fully break up with one. They leave her confused so that anytime they want some they can still go back. God help women o.

    • Intellij

      October 11, 2016 at 7:30 am

      Please complete the story, why did you advise her to dump her boyfriend for the new guy? Was it because the new guy had more charisma? Is it not karma that whipped your friend? Is it not possible that the former guy, if bitter, goes on to hurt the next girl? Your friend might have trust issues as well because of this event. A never ending circle.

      My point is whatever we do has a way of changing the world, think carefully before carrying out that action and always try to do the right thing at all times.

    • LemmeRant

      October 11, 2016 at 12:03 pm


  34. alwayshappy

    October 11, 2016 at 2:20 am

    Better shout #halleluyah and #Praise the lord, you #overright sef, it is true you are not that girl because your falling in love via skype and phone na mills and boons, his living his lie lie live in the US with many unknowns to you is a one-sided dialogue, believing his story about the other chick na long thing plus he has committed offense # emotional infidelity which is keeping physical asset for winter, cold nights and nut breaks but choosing to emotionally invest elsewhere via skype/phone/facetime/facebook/instagram etc.

  35. Mark

    October 11, 2016 at 2:47 am

    Nkem, Saying you did the right thing would be stating the obvious. At this point its safe to assume you don’t know who you’re dealing it. You really don’t even know what his situation in American is. There are loads of clowns overseas who are being housed by their girlfriends. Evidently his story has dawned on you not to add up and you’re seeking validation to do just that so here you go……..Ditch him and move on. Better not to be committed all the way and discover a surprise that’s better left imaged. Once the lies come in, it never stops. Best advice ever! Best believe

  36. aj

    October 11, 2016 at 5:21 am

    He is obviously a Yoruba demon! I hate the some Yoruba guys act….so full of it! Cut him off!

    • aj

      October 11, 2016 at 5:21 am


  37. dee

    October 11, 2016 at 7:48 am

    I agree. You should have at least taken the trip. At least you guys can be friends. You didn’t find out yourself- he came clean. You should have asked what the way forward is. That’s y we woman are single. Over principle wee not kill us

  38. Oyinlola

    October 11, 2016 at 7:48 am

    Some girls don’t care. An example is my ex-bf’s wife. We were I’m a very serious relationship, already planning a wedding and within weeks of meeting each other, she was already writing love notes on his Facebook wall
    It was the craziest period of my life, I turned onto a mad person, all for a man. When I realised after a month that I couldn’t do that anymore, I walked away. People still ask me ‘why didn’t you fight for him’ that I let the relationship go after all my investment. She got pregnant a few months after we broke up and they are married with a daughter.
    You don’t always have to be the aide chic to walk away, sometimes even the main chic walks too when she realised she won’t be happy with a cheat.
    If I’m not good enough for you then I wish you well with whoever you end up with

    • ifii

      October 11, 2016 at 8:54 am

      I would do the same. 100%! I cant for the life of me fight for a man to love me. If I’m fighting for your love then that ship will sink before it sails

    • sunshine

      October 11, 2016 at 9:22 am

      Thank you dear. Some of these men go on and on about how we should fight for them not knowing we have better things to do with our time. You did the right thing hun. A guy who loves and wants to be with you will stay no matter what.

    • ella

      October 11, 2016 at 3:53 pm

      I broke up with an ex after I found out he was cheating on me. I would rather walk away than be with a cheat. Peace of mind is expensive when you’re with a cheat.

    • ATL's finest

      October 12, 2016 at 4:32 am

      @ Oyinlola U GO Ma’am.. Ain’t NOBODY got time to fight over a D***k it isn’t that Deep abeg. Who’s fights over a D**k in hr first place?? Girl u sound just like me.. I’d fight over my Besties/girlfriends but a man. U can miss me with that BS. I’ve always walked away when my nerves r bad & guess what?? I’m always laughing last cuz life always whoop them stupid & when it does, they wanna crawl back begging. That S** is for the birds not me. I just CAN’T do it. Never have; NEVER will. My dear watch God place u in a better place. He’s probably regretting it right now & can’t do nothing about it.

    • Nkem Ndem

      October 15, 2016 at 9:09 am

      @ATL’s finest exactly!

  39. Igwe

    October 11, 2016 at 8:30 am

    I can relate because it just happened to me and the supposed ex is my subordinate in the office.can you imagine.

  40. Eegor

    October 11, 2016 at 9:27 am

    Go on your knees and thank God he decided to confess to you. What if he never did and you found out in a painful way? He knew what he was doing all along and you fell but the good thing is you didn’t loose your integrity. Lmao @ fight for me are you Jesus in his life he should swerve biko the funny thing is that he was offering you the side chick position!! ??

    • Eegor

      October 11, 2016 at 9:36 am


  41. Puzzles

    October 11, 2016 at 9:43 am

    And this is why I can never do long distance relationship. Those near you are not even trustworthy, not to talk of those far from you.

    You did the right thing, Nkem

  42. Apple Pie

    October 11, 2016 at 11:27 am


    it’s probably the hardest thing to do, i.e letting go of someone you care so much about. but, if you look at it this way, there’s probably more he hasn’t said.

    you did the right thing.

  43. Nne Umu Boys!

    October 11, 2016 at 12:17 pm

    You did the right thing! if all women made decisions like this there won’t be any woman left for men to cheat with

    • Puzzles

      October 11, 2016 at 1:57 pm

      and men would treat all women with decency and respect.

      I mean, why would the average guy treat a woman well when there are more than 100 girls ready to die on his matter even when he treats them like gabbage? Many ladies have the “there’s no ring on his finger so it don’t matter” mentality. Some are even actively chasing married men and are fighting the wives physically and spiritually sef.

      You’re called “Stupid” both by the guy and other girls for choosing to walk away with your dignity rather than fight over him.

      A friend told me I would never get married because I chose to keep my feelings to myself when I thought a guy I was crushing on had a girlfriend. He felt I was a fool for not fighting to get him.

      A boy makes his girl jealous of other women
      A real man makes other women jealous of his woman. Shikena

  44. A MAN

    October 11, 2016 at 7:01 pm

    A boy makes his girl jealous of other women
    A man(nothing like a real man) makes other women jealous of his woman. Shikena

    I endorse this message

  45. realist..

    October 11, 2016 at 10:17 pm

    I don’t know if you did the right thing or not,but my own is,you shouldn’t listen to all these(in case you’re seeking validation for your actions) for all we know most of all these advisors are dealing with infidelity in their relationships and believe me they are fighting tooth and nail for the men in thier life.Am a hopeless romantic and am thinking you were a lil bit rash and hasty in putting him off.

  46. rizo

    October 11, 2016 at 11:29 pm

    Nkem !Nkem!! Nkem!!!…. i just love reading ur work .i dont contribute most ofthe times.But find u quite interesting . The thick skin u wear over all d”BEEFS Of comments “u get in ur previous write ups and Still find the strength to write again and again not giving up on this platform has always given me the impression u are a strong woman and with this piece ….i think lm right…. it can only take a strong women to choose the path u followed.Ur bitter sweet love story blew my mind away .And guess what girl ?….. U chose the right path……i pray ur light shines so bright at the end of ur love tunnel that U’ld have to need a shade. Soar on girl , u ROCK.

  47. Debz

    October 12, 2016 at 12:40 am

    lol I have been both the main chic and the accidental side chic so i know exactly how you feel and more.

    Ex of 9 years cheated on me and got home girl preggo. I picked up what was left of my heart and moved on.
    Met another guy, dated for 9 months, SPECIFICALLY asked him at the start if he had a gf. He said No! 9 months later he confessed he had a gf of 2 years in naija. Somebody i spent every moment with o, infact it took me an additional 2 months to accept that there’s really a gf somewhere because i couldn’t understand HOW/WHERE/WHEN they spoke. Sha i picked up the remainder of my heart and dignity and moved on. 8 months later i hear he went to naija and married the same girl.


    Goodluck to the people still in the battle.

    And good for you Nkem for not wasting your pretty!

  48. Emilogist

    October 12, 2016 at 12:42 am

    I think you did the right thing dear..

  49. Jackie

    October 12, 2016 at 12:46 am

    Yoruba demon? A bad sharp man is always one despite his ethnicity, I was in a similar situation with an ibo guy we still talk but am never going to settle for being the extra tyre or known side chick.

  50. kay

    October 13, 2016 at 11:39 am

    I’m still hurting. It’s been almost a year. I thought he loved me, but he just used me. He never asked me to be his girlfriend. But he told me he loved me, he always took me out on dates etc. I left when I asked him what we were he just laughed and said we were just friends. He’s stopped talking to me. I’ve forgotten about him but each time I talk about him or even remember him, I start to cry or feel like crying. Please what can I do to get over this pain completely and forever.

    • Nkem Ndem

      October 15, 2016 at 9:06 am

      @Kay, i totally understand how you feel. It is okay to feel the way you feel, you just need time to heal and there really is no strict guideline on how long you should take to grieve, don’t fight it ‘cos that could make it all stretch longer than it should. My advice: say the truth to yourself, do not try to justify or make excuses that may foster lingering and futile hopes. Realize that you were just a distraction that he needed at that time, it’s okay, it happens. Allow yourself to grieve properly (no shame in grieving) and then let him go. Cut yourself off completely from him, do not keep mementos or leave openings through which you can keep tabs on him to see how he is moving on with his life. It is easier to heal when you remove yourself completely from a situation. Do not dwell on him anymore. You’ve already given him enough. Determine within yourself to move on, it may seem hard, but after 15 days, you will see that gets easier…like…you would be surprised how quickly the burden lifted. Again, when you think you have moved on, do not go back and test your new strength by checking in on how he is coping. No. The move alone can set you back another one year. Basically, bare in mind that you are cutting him off for life.

  51. Ranyinudo

    October 13, 2016 at 2:21 pm

    A new level of respect for you Nkem. ??well done.

    • Nkem Ndem

      October 15, 2016 at 9:06 am

      @Ranyinudo Thanks

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