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BellaNaijarian, Hope* Shares Her Story of Breaking Out of a Violent Marriage & Finding Hope for a Brighter Future in 2016

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Dec 10 2011, I was snooping and wrote down my husband’s email password on a piece of paper which he saw when he returned from work. He yelled, screamed and cursed and I begged. Oh did I beg. I knelt and begged with my 2 year old son watching on. I begged and cried, even though I had found evidence of several lies and manipulation dating back to plans of getting married to me; but I was scared.

This was in Akwa Ibom. My parents were far away and I was fresh off the boat from America. As I knelt and begged, he carried his plate of food and flung it at me. He missed. Even the carpet has never recovered till date. I went inside wiped my tears and packed my bags and carried my son to leave. He said I could leave but not with the kid but I wasn’t going to do that. He held my arm and twisted it. The pain was sharp and excruciating but I endured it.

Next day the doctor said I had a fracture and I carried a caste for 6 weeks through Christmas and New year celebration. I never left. I learnt I wasn’t skilled at snooping so I stopped.

Fast forward 5 years and 2 kids, my husband – the love that was never was meant to be, and never was – has gone to the police to report that I abducted our kids. I ran for my life after yet another tirade of curses, anger and threats, with our now grown kids watching on. He has confiscated the kids’ travel passports and he has reminded me every day of the 2/3rd of my life of how worthless my life is, and how I should feel free to leave as soon as I am ready as long as I do not leave with the kids.

So what have I learnt in 2016? that I am worthy of love. That there are actual men that protect and cover you. Beyond that, that I can face my fears and fix my flaws. That my insecurities are mine to tackle and not for my supposed ‘biggest fan’ to use as a tool to destroy me. That I am able to choose better and wiser while I still have the vitality of life. That I owe it to my kids to break the cycle of abuse and neglect.

Will this road of self discovery and rebel towards society expectation be easy? Probably not..but the will to fight is a major stride.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

24 Comments

  1. hadiza

    December 21, 2016 at 2:31 pm

    Congratulations on your will to leave. Not many women make smart decisions. But, that’s what happens when u chose to be with Nigerian men. they know no better. I hope u find the strength to carry on n be there for the kids. Fight for ur children.

    • Amaka

      December 21, 2016 at 4:21 pm

      How did you meet him? What was your courtship like? Any signs of violence? Did you pray? Did someone do the matchmaking?

    • mua

      December 21, 2016 at 4:58 pm

      and how does this solve the present issue.

    • Abz

      December 21, 2016 at 6:44 pm

      They know no better? That’s the typical excuse women and Africans make for these men, “they know no better” instead of holding them responsible. They do know better. ….Anyway, I am glad you left before it became too late.

    • gbaskelebo

      December 21, 2016 at 9:44 pm

      My crush is back! Sweetheart where have you been.

  2. Joie

    December 21, 2016 at 3:12 pm

    @hadiza I beg to differ with u on “thats what happens when u choose to be with Nigerian me” Not all Nigerian men treat their women shabbily nor are dey all abusive like the writer pointed out too.
    And while many women don’t seem to make smart decisions like this, trust me its more about not empowering themselves to be able to up n leave these ugly and psychologically sapping situations. Most Nigerian women go into marriages and relax with no much savings or investments of their own, so when they are supposed to run for their lives, they remain there worrying about what the “lagbajas” n “tamedos” will think! Its crazy.

  3. nnemummy

    December 21, 2016 at 3:19 pm

    hmm! nice one. just made up my mind to leave a jerk of a guy who i dont know what he wants from me but i ‘love’ him so much. I am sorry i gave him my heart but i deserve better. The King’s Kid!

  4. Bennie

    December 21, 2016 at 3:47 pm

    Strong woman, please don’t look back, God is with you

  5. Paul Adeyemo

    December 21, 2016 at 3:47 pm

    Food don come for the feminist. Men bashing will be raised to power 100 today.

    • O!

      December 21, 2016 at 4:08 pm

      This is a very distasteful thing to say….you read a story about domestic violence and all you see is Feminism. May God keep you and those you care about from the evil that is domestic violence.

    • Fast cars

      December 21, 2016 at 4:37 pm

      Are u really like this or u enjoy having a different personality online. Cos sometimes one personality can be boring. I think its the latter cos u can very funny and ur arguments sometimes are intelligent

    • Loki

      December 22, 2016 at 6:21 am

      @ Paul Adeyemo- So how about you run along then? Why are you on a blog that has a large percentage of feminists when you clearly despise women?
      Shouldn’t you be in a corner hiding from your traumatised kids and “beating your stick” to Playboy/Maxim or some other raunchy entertainment that degrades women just the way you like it? Bloody neanderthal.

  6. Tosin

    December 21, 2016 at 4:43 pm

    So sorry, and so freaked out reading this.

  7. Geee

    December 21, 2016 at 8:43 pm

    Dated for 3years, married for a few months and he slapped me for the first time 2days ago. I didnt see it coming. Luckily we dont live together, iv blocked him on SM while cooling off and contemplating what to do. I almost hate him now.

    • Nene'sMa

      December 21, 2016 at 11:15 pm

      Hello, I’m not trying to make excuse or support domestic violence but we are humans, not infallible, sometimes we make mistakes And when we really mean it, it’s okay to forgive. All I’m trying to say is that if you know the kind of person your husband is, and he truly isn’t violent and he asks for your forgiveness, please do forgive him with a stern warning never to try that again. Sometimes a man who did that by mistake will never try it again.

    • Xoxo

      December 22, 2016 at 12:15 am

      That is how it starts, “it was a mistake.”
      Ma’am, if you truly believe it was a mistake and you see he is sincerely apologetic, I think you should ask him to take anger management classes or see a psychologist and watch his behaviour. Some people make mistakes more than once. Just be sure before one slap turns into kicking and punching. May God help you and I really do pray it was a one time thing. It is well with you.

    • toonice

      December 23, 2016 at 8:45 am

      sorry to say but this is bs! will he slap another man on the face ?

    • WetheUglyPeople

      December 22, 2016 at 2:14 am

      Oh no. No signs while dating? My sister dated a guy for 2 years. Had to call it off 2 weeks to the wedding(choi we have spent money o!) cos he was showing abusive tendencies. We later heard stories from his ex.
      Another, she married this sweet chap though they’ve been dating for years. Don’t know if it is the economy or because he sees her naked more often than not – chap went off beating this lady on just about anything. What a good boy till today I don’t know what made him lose his marbles.
      Two tales: What have learnt, we don’t know what makes men beat women but if you saw tendencies of such while dating. My dear run.

  8. Richards

    December 22, 2016 at 1:07 pm

    @Paul,You actually read my mind….feminists won’t allow us to breathe fresh air until something else divert their attention

    • toonice

      December 23, 2016 at 8:47 am

      may your daughters never get abused by their spouses

  9. Salama Afro Ladies Salon Dubai

    December 22, 2016 at 3:23 pm

    @MUA – the questions asked by @Amaka are ABSOLUTELY RELEVANT otherwise she gets stuck in the same cycle dating or marrying a duplicate if not worse.

  10. Andie

    December 22, 2016 at 3:45 pm

    I feel oddly cheated after reading the story, so from what I cant understand, he started to hit and then u tried to run, you did not succeed due to the fact that he did not let you leave with your kids, and then you stuck it out for another 5 years and added another kid in the mix and now you have come to sudden realization that you indeed deserve more. I was waiting for the part where you said that you have actually left the man. How about write us an update when you finally leave him.
    Ps. he seized your kid’s passport, Is that your excuse for not leaving him, to escape him do you really need their passports? Madam naija is quite big.

  11. Ajala & Foodie

    December 23, 2016 at 1:30 am

    Me i am here raising my hand o…Why can’t you get another passport for the kids. This is 9ja !!! Yea I am covering my face saying that but for the loop holes in our policies you can take advantage of it and getting a new passport for the kids should not be difficult at all!!!

  12. Anon

    December 23, 2016 at 10:31 am

    They say walk away if she provokes you, but most women wont allow you walk away. I received a terrible tongue lashing from wife…. tried to walk away…. all the doors were locked and keys hidden. Still tried to endure the tongue lash and pretended to be asleep. started using phone flash light on me, so i couldn’t sleep.The anger was growing in me, so i went to the balcony to cool off. We stay on the forth floor. she woke the little kids from their sleep and brought them to the balcony where mosquitoes can bite them. poor children were still asleep and dazed, didn’t understand why they were out there. I snapped! and yes, for the first time in my life and after numerous episodes like this in our four years in the marriage, i pushed her and pinned her to the wall. got the balcony key and slept outside on the balcony chairs until the next day. Sometimes, women are really evil…. but they say walk away… how? when they wont even allow you to? Right now, i am not talking to her and dont even know if i want to continue like this.

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