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Seun Akinlosotu: My Parents Don’t Want Me to Marry You Because…

Seun Akinlosotu

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My longtime friend and I had a long conversation the other day about how parents have guided their children down the wrong path in marriage. Yes, there is a wrong path, and many a time our parents have been wrong. Indeed, there is a popular saying that what a grown up sees sitting a child cannot see standing on stilts. Quite true, but absolutely over flogged. This does not apply in all situations. No one thing does. There is no one size fit all in choosing a partner, really.

My friend’s first hand story goes thus; he is from the south west part of Nigeria and several years ago happened to be employed in the Niger Delta region making good money. He is all means a guy any girl could take home, if you ask me. He met a beautiful Naija Delta girl, dated her and wanted to marry her. Her father said no.
Excuse me, he actually said HELL NO. His reason: my friend is not from the Naija Delta, and he (the father) was aiming for a highly-coveted chieftaincy title. His daughter marrying a south-western boy would negate his chances of getting that chieftaincy title. His daughter had no choice but to walk away from the relationship. She ended up marrying a “choice” Niger Delta boy about 2 years later.

Her father passed away five years after she ended her relationship with my friend. No, he did not get the chieftaincy title. Yes, the girl is till today absolutely unhappy in her marriage and has run away from the marriage time after time and returns after her family intervenes. Her father’s position in society was more important to him than his daughter’s happiness. My friend is happily married to a super gorgeous girl, doing so well in every aspect of life.

As my friend and I talked, I remembered another friend Sade, whose parents influenced her marital choice. Hers was more like marry that boy and lose all your inheritance.

Sade and I attended the same Uni briefly in Nigeria, and had been dating bode right from Part 1. Bode was so handsome it was illegal. Smart as well and just an all-round great guy. His only issue was that he was from a poor family. We all had hopes for Bode upon graduation but mehnnn, the universe was not in favor of that boy. He couldn’t land a glitzy job after service year and didn’t have the connections like Sade’s dad had to land anything. He was just “managing” in a cousin’s house in Lagos. Sade on the other hand landed a high-profile job in Elf Oil and Gas courtesy of daddy dearest.

After 2 years of working, Sade’s parents asked her to bring her man home as it was time to start talking about marriage. Sade had never brought Bode home prior to this but her siblings had all met Bode and loved him. Sade’s mum Erelu Gbademosi went all out to prepare dinner fit for a king in reception of their first child’s longtime boyfriend.

Bode arrived for dinner, was well received by everyone until Sade’s father Chief Gbademosi started digging into his history at the dinner table. It quickly became clear that Bode was a nobody. Even the mosquitoes in his cousin’s house were unrelated or connected to other mosquitoes in the home of any high-profile person in society. It was that bad, but he was a really, really good guy who just needed a little help. Sade loved this boy! She really loved him.
To cut a long story short, Chief said NO! His daughter, his princess, the daughter that came when he lost his beloved mother, his Yeye-tunde would not be marrying a nobody. Everyone can forget about that idea. Haba! When Otunba Mike’s son is single, and Chief Dr.x3 Chris Obosi’s Yale Grad son is there…. Ahhhh nkan buruku! Over his dead body.

Sade married Chief Dr.x3 Obosi’s son a year later. She found out (has evidence and his confessional) 2 months later that he is gay. Chief Gbademosi will probably never recover from the high blood pressure he now has; not from eating bokoto and pounded yam every day, but from realizing he put his beloved princess daughter in a prison, and his inability to face society should she leave the marriage. What a stain to the great Gbademosi lineage it would be to have a divorcee in the family.

Bode could never land a white-collar job so returned to his hometown and focused on modern day farming. He made over 50-million-naira last year alone in cocoa exports. All hail the dollar exchange rate!

There are countless stories like these every day. A fully-grown adult chooses whom he/she wants to spend the rest of their lives with and BOOM comes the parents to put a wedge in it. You can’t marry her because she has no pedigree. You can’t marry him because his parents are poor. You can’t marry him because he can only afford a 1 bedroom apartment and has no car. You can’t marry her because she’s a single parent. You can’t marry him because his father is a political opponent, you can’t marry her because she is a divorcee. You can’t marry him because he has a baby mama. You can’t marry him because…

At what point do parents allow their children make and live with their own decisions? Do parents actually regret their interference when they realize they made a huge mistake by not allowing their child marry their own choice of partner?

At what point, do you as a person put your foot down and tell your parents “Thank you mum/dad but this is my choice and I am sticking to it”. Can we ever get to this point?

Is there an age where you are allowed to stand up to your parents? Should your parents be calling the shots in your 20’s, 30’s 40’s? I can understand in our 20’s our parents can still give us ifoti oloyi (Dirty Slap) and probably throw us out of the house, perhaps because they are still financial responsible for us. But if you are a 37, 38, 39 year old man or woman, surely ain’t nobody still giving you ifoti oloyi and threatening to cut you off, right?

Have you ever been this position? Do you have any regrets not marrying whom your heart truly desired? What has been the most ridiculous reason you’ve heard a parent opposed to a union?

When is it okay to say NO to parental manipulation?

Photo Credit: Danie Nel | Dreamstime.com

Seun Akinlosotu is a Tech Analyst by day and an aspiring Writer by midnight. She's a self proclaimed Romanticist who likes to write light heartedly. Her write ups are geared at a cross mix of audience, none of which will need an Oxford Dictionary to understand her. There's more to read from her at www.lovedeyshackme.blogspot.com. & on IG @Chechecosmos

63 Comments

  1. G-boy

    January 30, 2017 at 3:13 pm

    My dad changed and never wanted me to marry my love just bcos his pastor told him the babe is not my wife…

    well, i told the pastor to swear if he never had a misunderstanding with his wife and if he can give me a lady that I will not have a misunderstanding with.

    I went on and marry my love. we are happy together. but i and my dad r not friends anymore.

    Its better for me to be happy with my wife than with my dad, after all, he is not staying with me.

    • Bio

      January 30, 2017 at 3:41 pm

      Hmn!!! I love your love but smell your naivety.
      Unfortunately life does not always work like you envisage.
      However I am suspecting that you faith may make you whole and I wish you well.

      I would have preferred that you convinced your dad and his pastor sha!!!
      Love withers and they may mean well after all.

      If any one had tried to stop me from marrying my ex I would have thought he/she was my greatest enemy but 3-4years down the line I always wondered why no body ever tried to stop me.

      All the best.

    • LisaO

      January 30, 2017 at 4:34 pm

      Lmaooo your comment cracked me up @ ‘I wonder why nobody stopped me’

      Reading these comments I’m just wondering what would become of my relationship when I introduce my boyfriend to the parents.
      1. He is Protestant and my parents are catholic – strong ones!
      2. He is from a poor uneducated family and my parents are over educated and accomplished.
      I’m in love with this guy and he works hard.
      Sad thing, my parents are like yours – they never outrightly tell you no. They wait for the relationship to end naturally. This one isn’t ending tho…

    • Truth

      January 30, 2017 at 4:37 pm

      No offence Bio, but it’s you that actually sounds really naive. Relying on your pastors opinion for a choice of wife is unreasonable and illogical if this pastor does not know the spouse in question. A lot of pastors are manipulative and only make such revelations to exert their authority, Nigerians really need to wise up in this regard because they are missing out on many great opportunities with people they could potentially create solid and quality families with, thereby contributing to a healthier society as a whole. This man has stated he has been married for a few years now with no regrets, it is silly of you to insinuate he will fall into trouble down the line based solely on his pastors/dad’s opinion- He is not claiming to have a marriage with no conflict, but 3/4 years is certainly indicative of how well you are able to manage conflict. His father is upset that he did not obey him because he is proud and has difficulty accepting his son is able to make his own choices without his control. A choice of a spouse is personal and family intervention should only be required if it is obvious that it is a destructive relationship. Stop basing marriage criteria on unsubstantial and irrational requirements. Most adults have the mental capacity to decide who they want to spend their lives with and I’m not saying there is no need to be prayerful but if there are no red flags don’t go imagining them, or worse allowing pastors to imagine them for you= no one is God, you have the ability to gain clarity for yourself. Nigerians need to take charge and break the strongholds religious fanatics have on them, that’s the only way we will progress.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      January 30, 2017 at 11:03 pm

      That manipulative personality isn’t only found in Pastors – I once had a Priest send me a letter from Naija through my mum, to advice me of his ‘revelation’ concerning a man who’d been married twice (to be fair, they were both annulled…. But, each story didn’t add up for him to get back-to-back annulments). According to the priest, my spirit and said gent’s spirit were tied together & I was being advised to say “yes”.

      If you’re curious about the connection, the groom-to-be was an influential Knight in the church as well. ? He got married last Christmas and his new bride and myself share the same first name so maybe the revelation was meant for her.

  2. Mawi

    January 30, 2017 at 3:22 pm

    Great piece. Aaaand…..over to the doormats!

  3. Ade

    January 30, 2017 at 3:33 pm

    Nice article. It all depends on the reason(s) behind the rejection(s)

  4. onyi

    January 30, 2017 at 3:50 pm

    I can so relate. I am married to an amazing man, Yes, AH-mazing and I thank God everyday for my stubbornness and dare-devil attitude. I come from an staunch roman catholic home. My dad is a knight and heads so many church committees. Imagine his horror when I brought my then boyfriend…..he was Anglican. As daddy said, no child of his will marry outside the catholic fold. Then he launches into the whole King Henry the eighth history. My people, it was war. I have great respect for my dad, he had controlled my life down to even the course i studied in uni. This time around, I was standing for what I wanted. So he gave hubby the condition to marry me in our church, which he obliged. That period was the craziest time of my life, I prayed more than I ever have, but I look back and I thank God. I don`t know where I got the courage to defy my dad. I was so in love and I knew hubby was a great guy, and denominational issues weren`t enough for me to break up what we had. We are married now with 2 children, Daddy has come round after seeing what a great son-in law he has and I have no regrets whatsoever.

    • Truth

      January 30, 2017 at 4:40 pm

      Great and well done for standing your ground.

    • Onye

      January 30, 2017 at 9:10 pm

      My husband too is an Anglican and my parents are knights in the Catholic Church. The only stipulation was that he marry me in the Catholic Church. it was my mom that had more of a problem with my husband not my dad. You see my dad came from a poor family and had nothing. He wasn’t even educated when he met my mom, but my mom wanted to marry him despite her relatives saying no. My dad never forgot that and yet my mom did when it was my turn. Now my mom has come around though as she sees what a great guy I have.

  5. So true

    January 30, 2017 at 3:52 pm

    Up until my wedding to my igbo husband a few years ago, my mum still kept saying “Don’t put all your heart in it, what if you meet a Yoruba man soon” As far as she was concerned, tribe, rather than compatibility was the important factor. This is with me having a SS Genotype and my husband being AA, him being pretty much the most decent human being I have ever come across; and loving me to a distraction such that there is absolutely nothing he wouldn’t do to make me happy. Even now, he cooks dinner every night, is very hands on with our son, pays our bills and supports my love for a career that has never paid me a decent wage. All without a complaint. I tell anyone who cares to listen, don’t let other people determine what’s good for you, no matter how well meaning their intentions . #Eastisbest #ilovemyigbohusband

    • iyke

      January 30, 2017 at 4:43 pm

      Every igbo man knows how to cook. There is something so sweet about Igbo Men..
      #igbokwenu

    • Eky

      January 30, 2017 at 10:00 pm

      HMMM….most seem like F boys to me….and I am an Igbo Woman…

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      January 30, 2017 at 11:10 pm

      I don’t think my father got that memo. The man will likely starve if he’s left to his own devices in a fully stocked/equipped kitchen…. ? Just saying.

    • Dee

      January 31, 2017 at 11:28 am

      Naaa….my husband turned quaker oat into semo. Spent 30 whole minutes making it and came out all sweaty. My kitchen was a war zone. lol…So no, not all Igbo men know how to turn up in the kitchen.
      PS. my brother ruins his wives pots each time he attempts to cook.

    • The Real Oma

      January 30, 2017 at 4:44 pm

      Awww, your story is so touch, i can feel the love.

  6. sass

    January 30, 2017 at 4:37 pm

    Apparently In my great-grand dad’s will there is a “do not marry igbo people rule”.

    I shall proceed to shock my mum by bringing an igbo guy home

    • Tbaby

      January 30, 2017 at 6:07 pm

      Lmbooo….omokomo

    • Nike

      January 30, 2017 at 11:03 pm

      My mum had been telling me since i was like 15 not to even look an igbo boy.. Of course i brought one home, there were fits and tantrums. Eventually we got married, we have 3 kids now and sixs years strong.. My dear at the end of the day nobody cares. If you marry the wrong person the shit will be your personal shit

  7. KitKat

    January 30, 2017 at 4:40 pm

    I think some parents can be selfish ……………..and some just want the best for you

  8. The Real Oma

    January 30, 2017 at 4:49 pm

    My immediate older wanted to marry an Edo man whom she dated all through Uni but my parents refused – He wasn’t Igbo, he wasn’t Catholic.
    After five years of saying NO, they said Yes, because their daughter wasn’t getting any younger and wasn’t budging.
    Now my sis and hubby are married, happily i hope :)). And my mum admits he is a great son-in-law .

  9. Leke

    January 30, 2017 at 5:07 pm

    Parents can kiss my ass for all I care. Controlling,manipulative and selfish and then have the nerve to quote ‘honour thy father n mother’ while making sure you serve their own selfish interests because of some silly position they hold in church, village or community.

  10. bola

    January 30, 2017 at 5:16 pm

    true talk

  11. Tears

    January 30, 2017 at 5:51 pm

    Dis is exactly d story of my life right now ex bf just told me to move on as we have tried to convince his mom and pastor dat I am d one but dey feel of Swiss sigh!!!!I’ve been in and out of d hospital I’ve cried and suffered a massive nervous breakdown trust me is a terrible feeling

    • Truth

      January 30, 2017 at 6:43 pm

      Sorry to hear this, I can only imagine how horrific it is for your dreams to be crushed in such a senseless way, but it may be a blessing in disguise- In marriage you will need someone who can stand his ground and choose you first despite the opinions of outsiders. Your time will come and please don’t blame yourself, this is nothing to do with you!

  12. Oma

    January 30, 2017 at 6:02 pm

    Hmmm…So ”realatable”. At a tender age, my mum started warning us to beware of marrying a Catholic but the funny thing is all the guys that are coming my way are Catholics! Currently, my boyfriend is a Catholic and he ticks the right boxes. Having being in a toxic relationship before now, I understand and know what I want in a guy. He is a sweet guy and with him I have peace but I have locked up my emotions because I do not know how it will turn out; his parents reaction, mine, and I do not just know. I love this guy even though I don’t voice it but I am scared! Everyone likes him and he is most things a woman can ask for in a man. He just gives me peace(a sign I pray and look out for) and I love how he wants to know GOD. I am a Protestant-Anglican btw

  13. CNA

    January 30, 2017 at 6:07 pm

    lol @ You can’t marry him because you can’t marry her because she is a divorcee. It is so sad that parents want to re-live their lives through their kids when they are done living their own lives.

    My Dad was not sure he wanted me to marry a Nigeria as I was not from Nigeria. He said they had a reputation. It took a lot of convincing from my family for him to agree. He kept on asking for pictures to pray on and asking a lot of questions. BY God’s grace my Dad was able to let me marry him even without meeting the guy (..for reasons beyond our control reasons; that was definitely God). But before my Dad could agree and my family convincing him, I did not even entertain all that discussion. Every time my Aunt will call me and ask me if I had spoken to my Dad (regarding the topic) I will just tell her I am studying and I will address it later. All that time, I was praying; I never addressed it – God did! but I knew that no matter what he said, I will still do it anyway.

    But yea I have friends too who’s parents want them to marry only from a certain tribe. Its so sad. And true @ Ade it depends on the reason. Ah! Some parents may be telling you when that person is your relative and they wont tell you the whole story of what they did…!

  14. Memoir

    January 30, 2017 at 6:35 pm

    Deluded controlling Nigerian parents….Only a coward / fool marries to please his/her parents.
    This is one life time decision you have to solely make for yourself. For better for worse not for parents for approval….

  15. Anonymous

    January 30, 2017 at 6:36 pm

    I totally enjoyed reading this article. Gosh! Asides this topic, there’s another topic I’m looking forward to reading here or even writing myself. The topic of parents insisting a guy is good for you simply because they think u are getting older and would most likely not see someone better. I don’t know if I have put this clear enough. I thank God everyday that I didn’t accept the man my mum and pastor said was God sent. No matter how I tried so hard to believe them, God kept showing me reasons and signs why i shouldn’t settle for him. I came to also realize that it’s not only pastors that can hear from God, but God can also speak to you if you take your time to have an intimate relationship with him. He can warn you so you don’t settle for the one who everyone thinks is God sent. I wish u guys can understand sha. I’m just so grateful to be unmarried to the guy I should have married a year ago. I would have be divorced by now. God’s name be praised!

  16. Tosin

    January 30, 2017 at 6:55 pm

    remove that ‘aspiring’ from your bio, Seun. The person who wrote this is a writer, not an aspiring writer. Right?

  17. Sola

    January 30, 2017 at 6:58 pm

    Thank you for this post sisi Seun. Parents are definitely very interesting and I hope they can learn to let their kids live their lifves and not their (the parents’) own and also for the kids to learn from their own mistake. Being from ondo, my dad has warned all his kids that they cant marry from any other state apart from Ondo, lagos, Ekiti, Ogun and Osun. All other places are a big NO. Especially Igbo and Ijebu. Im sure he means well but he just has this weird notion about people from other places based on his past expereince and I guess he believe they are all like that. My older sister is almost in her 40’s and she is still single because she is always looking for the specs that my dad wants. There was even this igbo guy that was trying to talking to her but she said NO since my dad would not approve. . As for me if its a white man i fall in love and carry go my dad, i sure hope he will be fine because love is not a respecter of race or color and I hope our parents can learn that and leave us to be happy

    • Truth teller

      January 31, 2017 at 1:54 pm

      You Ondo people are annoying as f**k! Pompous, hard headed, small minded twats!!!! Like seriously what the hell do you have to offer in that your run down, razz state? Gosh I detest Ondo folks with a passion!!!! You look down on other Yoruba folks as if you are better….yet your asses have nothing to offer! The noise you make is louder than your entire village’s net worth! Name one billionaire on the Forbes list from your miserable state! One…just one! I will wait. Awon Oniranu

      Every day it is Ijebu this, Ijebu that…..wetin Ijebu do una? And don’t start on that jazz noise because the strongest jazz people I have met are Ondo folks….them get Ph.D. In jazz. Hate all you want, you will never be as great as Ijebu people, we set trends, your sorry ass follows. You can never match us in terms of education, exposure, financial shrewdness or wealth!!!!!! You are miserable haters!!! Tell your father to get over his Ijebu hate, or better yet marry his shriveled up daughter!!! We don’t like much of y’all anyway

      Just like my sister who married into an Ondo family, if u see how arrogant and full shit this family is enh, you go bow. Time to pay for wedding, with all their mouth like say them get Dangote money, they weren’t able to pony up much. wedding of close to $92k, they maybe put up twenty grand if that and my parents had to cover the rest. Awon oloshi, and if them dey talk like this…. you would think they sign everyone one’s check in my family.

      I made the mistake of dating an Ondo guy too, that was when I realized how useless these folks really are. The guy’s mom didn’t even meet me before she turned him against me because I was Ijebu and she wants her son to marry an Ondo girl…..I was so glad I walked away from that crazy family. If what my sis is going through with her Ondo in-laws is an indicator then i dodged a major bullet.

      My other siblings who married Lagosians, fellow Ijebu folks and even an Igbo lady have no issues with their spouse. Just those bloody Ondo folks. E dey una body. #RubbishandIngredients

    • californiabawlar

      January 31, 2017 at 3:32 pm

      Pele o…Transferred aggression from personal problems! hehehehe.
      You’ll be alright dear…or not 😛

    • Tee

      January 31, 2017 at 7:00 pm

      Damn girl. You declared war on Ondo people. You sound just as pompous as the people you are upset about though.

    • Icrossmyheart

      February 1, 2017 at 8:18 am

      Wow. So much vile. So much hatred in this comment.

      Ondo people are nice people. There are many married to Igbos and Ijebu. She is speaking specifically about her family but does not necessarily share her father’s opinion.

      I wish you could take this much hatred and protest with Tubaba on the 5/6 of February. And change this country for the better. We need solidarity NOW not division.

      Because if you like marry from your state or within your clan or marry outside, Nigeria is falling apart and foreigners -China, India, etc- are slowly taking over.

  18. omodara

    January 30, 2017 at 7:17 pm

    pls…..what about religion…the guy is a muslim nd the girl a Christian or vice versa….u guys r really into eachother, as in the guy can go to any length just to make u smile but you know your parents will kick against it.

    • I can relate

      January 30, 2017 at 8:39 pm

      I had that too
      Back in college, I met this nice muslim guy, fell in love at first sight… He was my kind of guy and after him, I haven’t met anyone who outstands him.
      I still remember going home on holiday and speaking to my family about him, the way they did ‘cast and bind’ on the matter. Chai!
      But I love this guy, he hasn’t hurt me in anyway, he never cheated on me, he was 100% committed to making me happy, serves breakfast in bed and doesn’t have a problem with me being Christian… but my parents refused, my siblings said no, my close friends were against our relationship… too much opposition, I just had to give it up.
      I still miss him and wish we were together but what can I do. Smh

  19. Ade

    January 30, 2017 at 7:49 pm

    Parents find it easy to intrude on your choice of partner if you are not financially independent. Most times, they have strong opinions on who you should marry because an average Nigerian still needs some form of financial support to get married or run the home after marriage.
    In my own experience, my parents backed off when my brother told them explicitly that he was gonna marry his Eritrean girl because he was independent. Work hard, make good money and parents will respect your choice eventually.

    Love who you love, marry who you want. Marriages with parental backing also crash. Parental backing is not a fail proof. People or parents will always talk when things go north.

    • Kanyinsola

      January 30, 2017 at 8:07 pm

      I doubt that very much

    • OverCorrectGuy

      January 30, 2017 at 9:10 pm

      I was waiting for these line of thought. 100% TRUE. Parents only meddle when they have fed you till you reach 35 years.. Me wey i don get independence since 18 years and manning up since then my parents role can only be advisory (an even the advice self na with low voice).

  20. Kanyinsola

    January 30, 2017 at 8:17 pm

    I have an uncle that had a failed marriage. He is a British citizen and that failed marriage almost destroyed him. The lady had him kicked out of the house with only a shirt on his back. I’m not privy to what happened before he married the woman and if his mom and dad approved of her.
    Some years later, his parents asked him to come home(Nigeria) to start a business, they got a good Yoruba girl for him. Not very educated but hardworking. He OBEYED them. Fast forward 4 years later, things are hard in Nigeria. His mom has turned against him and his wife(because of the wife she gave home oooo) serious conflicts.
    The day he confronted his mom, she denied him flat. Said she never told him to move back or gave him a wife. Quickly blamed it on his father. When it was both of them that spoke to him o.
    Things are not really easy and they are just trying to get by…. this is a man that loves and respects his parents to a fault. Has a large heart and despite his mom’s attitude, he remains respectful.
    Sometimes, I feel like he is living his life for his parents and that makes me really sad for him.

    He is married now… I’m sure it’s not perfect… but none of his parents are living with him. He is facing it all on his own. I just feel bad for him really.

  21. A.M

    January 30, 2017 at 9:06 pm

    Please how do I send in stories to the aunty bella column?

  22. Ayo

    January 30, 2017 at 10:28 pm

    Story of my life. Ex’s parent think It would be a big disgrace if their son who is a medical doctor gets married to an uneducated girl like me and that their pastor warned I would not give him peace if he married me. Ex dumped me few months to our wedding because he could not disobey his parents because of me. I died like a million times but later woke up sha. Lol.

    • WeTheCuteNigerians

      January 31, 2017 at 1:46 am

      But Ayo you don’t sound uneducated to me, you should see some posts I do get via whatsapp – grammar is on life support. By the way I got dumped too(though I didn’t die for once), though mine is because I am an agnostic and ex wanted one whom would hold her hands in church(not go alone as I suggested). Last I checked she’s dated someone that would ‘hold her hands in church’ and they are not getting along, she complains a lot about him(I wonder if she did same to other people when she was with me).

  23. Abibi

    January 30, 2017 at 10:46 pm

    I agree. ????

  24. Lionheart

    January 31, 2017 at 2:18 am

    Fell for a boy not from my tribe and he told me that his mother and family will never welcome me and he doesn’t want to disobey mama. I loved this guy in such a way that surprised both of us ( no I didn’t throw myself at him, he came for me) n being a good guy, he appreciated and reciprocated it. One of his ppl came to tell me it would be near impossible for him to be given a title in his community if he marries me. It almost messed with my self esteem considering the fact that I am so well educated and from a well-to-do respectable family; i prayed n i was myself again faster than i could have thought afterall i cannot re-programme my DNA. Today I’m planning my future with my love (who happens to be from my tribe). I fear for d guy because he keeps finding love outside of his tribe and keeps getting hurt by ladies from his tribe. I think it is unfair for parents to use family wealth( or any other avenue) to blackmail their kids into restricted decisions. The experience made me promise myself that my children will marry for love regardless of the tribe.

    • Lionheart

      January 31, 2017 at 2:23 am

      I’ll like to caption this, ‘diaries of a broken heart’ . Lets spread d word pls, Nigerian parents are ruinning potential great relationships n leaving children scarred, sometimes for life. Sad thing is, d cycle continues.

  25. Ann

    January 31, 2017 at 2:35 am

    I wasn’t allowed to marry my love by my relatives because he had an estate management degree, his mom is not Ibibio but annang, and I was told I was too young at 22. I was told that I should wait for a medical doctor family friend but he never showed up and now am 35, am being pushed to marry anybody in any profession even a keke driver.

  26. anonymous

    January 31, 2017 at 7:13 am

    it has happened to me also
    my boyfriend is aggressive we dated for like 3years den we both called it a quit

    I can’t cope with him,i had to let go of him,cos of drinking habit I talked to him several time
    he kept assuring me DAT he will change buh alas till now he hasn’t
    I explained to my mum dat am done with d relationship

    fastforward to 2014 ,he came to my mum,told her n my siblings to beg me,I stood my ground that it a no
    buh my mum was like, he his a young man,forgive him ,her pastor said he his my husband
    I must obey her,I give in to her at d hand
    I got married to this guy,three days after my baby christening ceremony,I receive d beating of my life just bcos I asked y are u so drunk
    come n c beating,
    dey said I should forgive him ,which I did again,buh d beating never cease,d last beating was in my mum presence,,,DAT why I left did guy till DAT,whenever he is drunk he will always strip himself naked,,he did DAT at my family outing ,I was so disappointed,
    yet they kip saying he will change ,when will that be?

    • WeTheCuteNigerians

      January 31, 2017 at 7:40 am

      Oh wow! So sorry to hear. Parents seem to have their kids on lock. I don’t know how & why, I know a friend that sponsored her wedding to a Jobless conman because parents wanted her to marry from her tribe. Turns out tribesman has no job and was a terrible liar, said he was into contracts and hasn’t been paid. Not until she got hold of his phone and found out how he was discussing with his fellow conmen on how to defraud this person and that person(wife included). That she cut it all off. They say parents knows best but that is one wack useless statement. I am 35 and I have discussions with my parents(they are best – mostly my mum) sometimes, my people I am smarter in most ways. The saga continues, would be back to read comments.

    • huh

      January 31, 2017 at 2:43 pm

      Go and beat the pastor too

  27. Sarah

    January 31, 2017 at 10:00 am

    All those pastors saying that man or woman is your husband please beware oh. Remeber Sameul the priest after Gods own heart almost anointed Abinadab (based on king traits) instead of David. I pray God guides me in this decision because one if my biggest fears in failure especially in Marriage.

  28. Sophystic

    January 31, 2017 at 10:29 am

    My sister had to stand her ground with her choice of a husband. My parents wanted someone from the south or anyone else except from Benue. She weighed the consequences and stuck to her guns. It took 4 years of Drama!!!! Begging, the guy being cussed out, accused of bewitching my sister and all sorts of false accusations. Parental consent mattered to them so they waited and prayed. When my mum saw that her daughter wasn’t getting any younger and refused to change her mind she had to concede. My father only accepted it on the day of the traditional wedding. Even the clothes he wore he didn’t buy or contribute a dime to buy.
    Five years and two kids later I look at my sister and my amazing brother inlaw and I thank God that she made that decision. They are happy, strong and building a home. I love and respect my parents but I will not let them control my life and certainly not my choice in a future partner. Afterall in their case noone foisted a partner on them either. They made their choice and so will I.

  29. BigJoy

    January 31, 2017 at 11:10 am

    One of my friend’s elder sister got married to a Benin guy that she didnt really know, thanks to her mum. Her mum made sure she pursued all the good guys around her, One was Igbo, one was yourba, and introduced he to a Benin guy who live din Malaysia. Story time. After the wedding, man goes back to Malay, where he is married to another and doesn’t come back, wife in Naija works in an Oil coy so she kept sending money to him becos he kept asking.

    Long story short, marriage had to be annulled. Now she s remarried to someone she met by herself and is responsibly happy, even though the guy too is Benin. When their mom wanted to try it with the next sister; telling her to dump her igbo boyfriend and follow a Benin guy, that one didnt even send. she just went ahead and married the guy. They have 2 kids now and are happy. Well mummy hasn’t learnt o, she s pushing my own friend to marry a Benin guy, that one is as stubborn as a mule. She says she will go to anywhere love pushes her. She is currently dating a Benin guy, i know her mum must be real happy.

    • D. Edvard

      January 31, 2017 at 12:20 pm

      ??? that their mother sef! Reminds me of my aunt. Abeg marry who you love and loves you back. This tribalism is what is our “biggest” problem in Nigeria.

  30. Yummychickcummummy

    January 31, 2017 at 11:28 am

    Well true. My dad and family didn’t twant me to marry my husband , but I didn’t listen because I was in love though they had reasons but I ddidnt want to hear it at all.After 6 years,we r separated n divorced with a kid now and he has impregnated another girl who he wants to marry next 2 months I wish I had listen . Now m single with a kid and 27 yrs.

    • D. Edvard

      January 31, 2017 at 12:27 pm

      Eya sorry o. You are young and can still remarry. It is not because your parents didn’t want you to marry him, you probably didnt know him well; read @BigJoy’s comment above – the person your parent want you to marry may not be the right one.

  31. Ever Green

    January 31, 2017 at 1:37 pm

    I was presented, they rejected me based on lies, size, flimsy excuse and what their prophet told them, it was deliberate done and according to what I was told that I had a child in the past and I did not come from a good family unfortunately for them, I am still a virgin.
    I can understand if a parent does not want you to marry their son or daughter but too deliberately malign another person’s child just because you don’t want them in your family or you don’t want that union to hold is criminal.
    However, I believe as an adult we can pray to God by presenting the subject matter and if you get a confirmation, you can later ask someone you trust that is not bias to pray along with you, Holy Spirit is not an author of confusion whatever he tells A, he will tell B the same, delay is not denial.
    As an adult, we should be able to make decisions and be able to stand by the consequences of our actions, that is why prayer is important because if you allow your parent to make that decision for you and may be it did not work out you will always blame them for misleading you after they are long gone.
    To the parents, they should trust and pray to God that they did their best when raising us and they should allow their adult children to make their own decisions , for instance if the so called relationship is toxic or your spirit is not at peace with it, you can go to God and beg him to open the eyes of that adult child to see what is wrong with the relationship because I truly believe and know that God is a merciful God usually shed light to secret and darkness instead of reverting to lies, some people go to the extent of using Jazz to separate their adult children from their person of choice especially when the said child does not listen to them but those things will lead to problems later in life for their children on in life.
    As for men of God, pray to God and have conviction from your spirit, we are all spirit beings, when you are convinced, you can then go to your pastor to confirm what you have seen or heard from God.
    God is the one that created marriage and my yoruba people will tell us that ” Oja o kun kun ni igbeyawo”(marriage is black a market) it is when you are in it that everything comes to open.
    My prayer for us Bella Naijarians is that we will not marry our enemy in Jesus name.

  32. Iya ibeji

    January 31, 2017 at 4:06 pm

    I’m of the opinion that the parents are not the problem here, it is simply the people who were not ready to be with their partners.
    Parents are entitled to their opinion so are you as an adult. Any person who comes up with that line of my parent this isn’t just mature enough for marriage. I’m a Muslim turned Christian, should my child come home with a Muslim, I will sef be against it but if she’s adamant , I will definitely support her eventually after all my Muslim parents supported my marriage to a Christian because they knew I wasn’t going to change my mind

  33. BMaiya

    January 31, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    Seun, this is beautiful piece and just as Tosin advised in one of the comments, biko remove ‘aspiring’ from your bio. You’re a fine writer!

  34. Mz Whiz

    February 1, 2017 at 1:15 am

    You didn’t mention the part where mother’s be like “he is not good enough for you, be patient and trust God. ” she never explains what criteria that a man who is good enough for you has, but proceeds to scare all your boyfriends away. You don’t bring your men home, you are secretive you do, she interviews them to the point of cross examination. Meanwhile you are 34 years old and are having trouble with early menopause. Parents.

  35. dammy

    February 1, 2017 at 1:16 pm

    hmm,this write up is just about me.yes me, the so call man left me because his mom has pick a wife for him, i couldn’t imagine that a grown up man can dance to his parent words like this. all i wish then was a sudden death for myself at first because he propose to me then went to marry another lady. oh my goodness it was like hell for me but am so happy now that i can share this . all i know is that what is dark in front of me is clear to GOD Almighty. well have move on with my life.

  36. MommaF

    February 7, 2017 at 9:26 pm

    Well, it goes either way. While we need to stand our ground in the choice of a life partner, we should also listen to our parents especially when they have valid (not flimsy) points. My mom wasn’t comfortable with my choice when I made it known, she had valid points, but I refused to listen. Both my parents supported me through the r/ship and marriage, and here I am singing had I known. We’ve been separated 5 months now.

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