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Akpo Uyeh: Does He Think He’s Doing You a Favour By Marrying You?

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It was an intellectual conversation centered on that very course that we never understood. Imagine, the lecturer of this particular course would come to class and not teach, but would expect you to read up and do the explanations yourself. If it was not class presentation, it was series of assignments. If it was neither of the two, it was impromptu tests. That was what the whole discussion was all about  – considering that examinations were around the corner, but somehow it switched to marriage.

I am still cracking my brain about how it managed to change gears and direction.

Ding! It is actually started when a ” toaster” of Sheneneh  joined the conversation and he was telling the other guys present  that she had refused to give him the green light. That was how one other guy, let’s call him (John Bosco ) took it upon himself and told Sheneneh’s toaster to take chill pills; because in next two years or so, Sheneneh would be the one on his matter. He even gave instances of how desperate girls stylishly call guys to register their availability. He  added that Sheneneh  would start by calling him casually saying :

”I just called to say hello! ”  According to this guy, that was a signal from a woman who is available and desperate especially one who over time had played very hard to get but after weighing her options had to act fast to beat time.

Point taken. Really, so guys take it that a single woman calling them just to hola is indirectly pressing them for marriage. This might not be the same for every guy, though. My thoughts, henceforth… no more calls to guys unless it is very urgent.

So why did Sheneneh not jah this guy face.  According to her, he did not appear serious. Any serious guy should be willing to cross the oceans, break barriers, kill lions or even do the unimaginable.

Okay, on a more serious note, you can always tell when someone is serious. It would show in their actions and behaviour. This guy in question looked like he was just wanted to ” test the microphone”. Do you ask a girl out by giving conditions? Do you ask a girl out with threats like you better say yes before I would change my mind and the likes.

Secondly, this guy in question was not her ideal kind of man. We heard that women should bring their high standards down. This guy was just too dishonest. That was a major flaw. He knew how to lie. His words were just sugar-coated. We have been warned as women to draw the line between sincere praise and flattery. This guy did the latter very well. It was written all over his face. He is a professional liar.

Thirdly, he had actually told Sheneneh that he was doing her a favour and she better give in before she gets to old for marriage. Hmm…. In fact that was the deal breaker. Why on earth would a guy think he is doing a woman a favour by marrying her? Is it because of the age factor? That really got me thinking. Why would any guy think he is  doing woman a favour by marrying her?

If so, where is the place of love that is neither boastful nor conditional? l am sure it has been over emphasised that a woman virtually forfeits many things for the sake of the man she is marrying. She changes her name for the man. She carries his children for nine months and so on. A woman is a multiplier. what ever you give her is what she multiplies.  Sometimes she forgoes her ambition to be a wife and mother. Managing the home is a full time business, and it takes someone who is good in multitasking and skilled, many women are professionals in this area.

The Holy Book also buttresses that the man who finds a wife obtains favour. The man is meant to be enriched by his wife and she is his crown. So where does the whole idea that I am doing you a favour if you marry me come from? Reversely, the woman is actually doing the man a favour, because she is the one that would bring him favour according to the Holy Book.

How about the  man na man syndrome? This is when a woman has given up hope that she will ever get married so any man that shows up whether it Tom, Dick or Harry, she would hold tightly lest he might be the last. With societal pressures and the likes, a woman who is unsure of herself might just for the man na man syndrome .  It is not easy particularly with the constant reminder of  one’s biological clock ticking.

A man, who sees a woman as someone he married out of pity, can never be loving enough. Women need to nourished, protected and cherished. Will such a man claiming bragging rights do this to his woman, when he thinks he is doing the woman a favour by getting married to her? Personally, l don’t think women should marry out of fear, but love and on their own freewill and conviction.

Do you think it is good for a man to say he is doing a woman favour by marrying her?

Photo CreditNanditha Rao | Dreamstime.com

Akpo Patricia Uyeh is a witty Blogger| Freelance writer| Geo-Journalist. A Sunshine lover. Music enthusiast. She blogs via Òmòté Rò Dhé

32 Comments

  1. I love my wife

    February 28, 2017 at 3:18 pm

    Wives are the best. They are your best friend, backbone n ace. So I wonder why would you be doing her a favour in marrying her? If you favourably marry the wrong woman nko? Then you live a miserable life.
    Marry the person you love and cherish and knowing that without her your life is incomplete (oh oh quoting Sisqo there).

  2. Hadiza

    February 28, 2017 at 3:39 pm

    Society has bullied girls into thinking that marriage is the highest for of achievement they can ever have, what do u except? When a woman is near thirty, parents start cussing her, friends n enemies start giving unsolicited advice. Babes gets frustrated and starts feeling the heat, she starts becoming clingy and starts nagging the bf, of cos he’ll feel like he’s God’s gift to her. He will feel like he’s helping her elevate her status in society’s eyes. Our society needs to be reformed. its the only way to put an end to these set of sick, entitled babies called men

    • The Real Oma

      February 28, 2017 at 4:34 pm

      Maybe society does not need to be reformed, not for this, maybe women need to stand up for themselves and say ‘enough!’ It is time women took back their own lives and stopped living it for society – family inclusive.
      So i have crossed the thirty mark, so i am not married, so effing what!?

    • EE

      February 28, 2017 at 7:41 pm

      “Put an end to”?????

      Wawu.

      I’ve always wondered, why Tom, Dick and Harry??? Doesn’t even make sense, at least Wang, Dick and Johnson’d be funny.

  3. olakunle falope

    February 28, 2017 at 3:44 pm

    If una like make una no post this one. The materialistic way babes in Nigeria go about this marriage and relationship business is what has caused these problems. From a male perspective most young guys start out in Uni, young, honest and ready to toast, until dem laugh you, misuse you tire. Then they notice some females are only after where it is happening, you even lose some babes to the so-called happening people. When I was in Uni, it was bankers that were in vogue for some classmates, or that guy that had the nice car courtesy of Daddy or Lagos big boys. Then you graduate and its still the same story, the babes are after the bigger, better, deal aka standards. If you’re smart as guy you focus on yourself and go and make yours. Then you realize when you make money, the same people who felt you weren’t good enough to begin with are the ones lining up and vying for your attention because the good life is really scarce. So how won’t successful young men feel that they are doing some young women a favour? How many successful young men exist compared to the number of babes all hunting for Mr. Standards aka young rich and successful? You want the guy with the nice car, great job and the house in an upscale neighborhood. Ejo? What are you offering in return? How many regular young and struggling guys have been featured here? That normal guy who works with MTN earns 300k and lives in Yaba? Its always the business owners, young men that have blown, heirs to one fortune or the other or celebrity who has made money. Cut coat according to cloth apparently doesn’t apply to women (aka the don’t settle for less people) only men. Your father and mother started out in a small house in Ajao Estate managing life, you want to start in Ikoyi or V/I without contributing to the man’s success and you ask why the young and successful ones think they are doing you a favour. Your salary is 200k you want a young man saving for his future to help you rock Hermes Birkin, then you ask why the one that can pay or introduce you to the good life thinks he’s doing you a favour. The nerve.

    • Nahum

      February 28, 2017 at 7:49 pm

      ???????? this your comment is hilarious but you make some good points sha. Let’s not heap everything on the men. I see a lot of young ladies make stupid mistakes. When you are below 25, you want the bad guys, popular guys. 25-28, only rich guys, then 30 hits and you foolishly run around with a list of “anyone will do” guys. Women need to be taught to stop waiting for a man to give you your fantasy life. Create that life for yourself and find the right guy that fits into the equation, that way, no one will feel like they are doing you a favor. Ladies, stop waiting for a man to make you rich, Make your own money!!!

    • Bleed Blue

      March 1, 2017 at 9:23 am

      Olakunle, I liked your comment because sadly, you make valid points.

      It’s clearly a generalization, thankfully not all women I know are like the ones you’ve described, however I do know a fair number who are EXACTLY like that, placing value on a man solely based on his income/possessions.

      Is he kind? Is he focused? Is there a clear path in his life? Will you love him without the fancy lifestyle? What kind of father do you think he will be to your kids? How does he treat his subordinates?

      It really amazes me that these things don’t matter at all to some women I’ve met. What matters is that brother man drives a Range Rover, wears designer labels, lives in Ikoyi and is the “son of…”. Nothing wrong with being all of this, but your standards have to be attached to more than these things na!
      I don’t gerrit men!

    • Toby Nwazor

      March 1, 2017 at 11:11 pm

      Biko where is Mz Socially Awkward? #Bring BackMiss Socially Awkwar

    • vickie

      March 2, 2017 at 5:57 pm

      Wao! Guy you don vex o. Seriously though you make sense die.
      I be woman o but this is just the honest truth.

      I remember those uni days, most guy were quite innocent indeed.
      Problem was girls who did not even want bankers wanted guys 2/3 years ahead making their mates look or feel very inferior until they later made it in life and started queuing at their door steps.

      I had a roomie that one simple guy wanted to die on top then. The guy will come to our room to see this babe but she will leave him with me and just walk away. Me I knew this guy was a good guy but my roomie was more interested in senior guys or guys who sagged then.

      We graduated, the senior guy nor marry am and sagging guys were ofcourse not ready to marry but fortunately this guy got a fine job and she started queuing at his door mot. The guy dated her and after a while came up with story of one girl that family arranged for him.

      I just knew in my heart that he had simply played her back simple!!!
      Later someone will call that type of person demon! we all make mistakes though but as much as possible play that return march very smartly if you must.

  4. Beard gang

    February 28, 2017 at 3:53 pm

    Lol…some men think they are Hercules therefore every woman must say yes to them
    I agree with every point you made except the girls calling guys after a long time part…in many cases among Nigerian babes (apart from the classy, extremely high self-esteem, intelligent, strong, beautiful among other impeccable qualities bellanaija babes) it is a sign of deep desperation and loneliness…especially the between the ages 28- late 30s …the ridiculous shakara age is between 19 and 27 …then the shockingly vulnerable and desperation phase kicks in…bellanaija babes don’t have these standards sha …lol

    • olakunle

      February 28, 2017 at 4:13 pm

      In the famous words of a friend at age 20-25 they think they are doing you a favour. At age 25 and above, they realize its the other way round.

    • californiabawlar

      February 28, 2017 at 5:24 pm

      Lmao!! You unwell for all these your caveats!
      Are you scared “BellaNaija babes” will come for you so fast your beard will recede to your hair line?

  5. Nitomeya

    February 28, 2017 at 5:11 pm

    There is some truth in the saying that – when a girl starts calling a guy randomly especially after she has been fronting (doing shakara) for him, that she is interested and in some other cases desperate. Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so as it takes patience to woo a lady and this is just how it goes most times.

    No one deserves to be in a relationship in which that they are pitied.

  6. timib

    February 28, 2017 at 5:35 pm

    I’m just 25..time haff come as 3 of my best girls from primary school have gotten engaged back to back.. my mum, dad and aunties are…worried.. telling me to always smile at work, trying to get me to start attending a nigerian church..bla bla bla ..its becoming ridiculous..
    to be honest, it gets to me sometimes…it would be nice to be in a committed relationship at least .. bhet i will not comman kill myself . I’m trying to get more money here by advancing my career…taking professional classes and exams et al..God will bring my man and I will not settle for guys who smoke weed and claim it has no effect on them, guys who have nothing going for themselves and always asking their rents for money.. or the one who looks good on paper but there isn’t any connection.. timib out ✌️

  7. Papermoom

    February 28, 2017 at 5:41 pm

    Over the weekend I joined a car and heard one guy complaining bitterly cos his friends wife wanted a divorce. What killed him was the fact that the woman wanted a portion of his property. He ranted all he wanted and finally declared: “if men decide not to marry again, women will suffer oo”.
    I was speechless!!!!!!!!

    Then on Sunday another guy came to pick up my laundry and decided to talk to me about how God intended creation. Well in his wisdom, God intended for the man to be a SUPER POWER and of course, they are far more intelligent than women. Women are only recently catching up thanks to education….even with that, we are still struggling….. then I gave up !!!!!

    • Zigzag

      February 28, 2017 at 6:15 pm

      ????????

    • Mawi

      February 28, 2017 at 7:48 pm

      “if men decide not to marry again, women will suffer oo”.
      Lol… why were u speechless? With the way our women go about marriage, the men would definitely feel this way. Nigerian women are validated by marriage. They feel less than without a man by their side. Many have no ambition rather than being a Mrs. so of course the men would believe that women will die without them. It’s the same reason why many men think they are doing a woman a favour by marrying her.
      The solution lies with the women. Stop living for the attention & acceptance of men and watch them respect you. Thirst & desperation only brings about the ‘see finish’ syndrome a.k.a being taken for granted a.k.a disrespect. It’s basic human nature.

    • LemmeRant

      February 28, 2017 at 9:16 pm

      **** clears throat ****

      You know, I’ve realized most ladies talk like this until they themselves get married.
      Just saying…

    • Papermoon

      February 28, 2017 at 9:22 pm

      Yea….. it’s difficult to blame the guys when we women are virtually throwing our selves onto the rubbish dump just in order to get married…..hhhhmmmm…I am tired already.

  8. john

    February 28, 2017 at 6:55 pm

    @papermom believe it or not…remove sentimemts and emotions ..the dude in the car is right ..meanwhile the wife wanting his husband property ,should forget about it unless it is not here in nigeria

    • Papermoon

      February 28, 2017 at 9:23 pm

      How is he right?

  9. stop deceiving

    February 28, 2017 at 9:19 pm

    My friend wee you stop deceiving yourself?

    Yes, we are doing you a favour. A very big favour at that!

    If men decide not to marry again, you all will be in one chance.

    1. Can i tell you that many men dont want to marry self? Just go to work, make money, relax, chill, have fun and spill the sperm (with a girl) Life isn’t that hard.

    Did you ask about having kids? Naaaa. Those who have kids will die and be buried, those who dont will die and buried also….whichever way they are buried doesnt matter cos the dead knows nothing again after death….na we dey waste money, do burial make people come chop. The sould will either be in heaven or hell and your burial doesnt affect hi a bit

    2. Marrying you comes with a whole lot of eish….

    You earny 300k salary for example, some for house keeping, some for the wife (even thou she is working and earns a salary, she still wants you to give her something), kids clothes, food, school fees, house rent, car maintenance, fueling of car and generator, payment of utilities like PHCN, DSTV, WATER, WASTE REMOVAL…..and you still have to pay for the random outings.

    Your salary is shared with an axe like this while hers is hers! It is for keeping up appearances, buying clothes, shoes, bags to show off on instagram, bella naija, aso ebi weddings and what have you

    A single guy does not have to be involved in all these. At most 2k for hoelosho, without any demand for anything and your life as a single guy can run at a greater pace. You can build factories, travel round the world, do and undo

    3. I stayed 9 months in my mothers womb before meeting her and my dad. Now i met you within 3weeks/1month, you are asking me where is this going? when am i going to meet your parents? I am not in for play or anything, i dont have time for time wasters but you have forgotten that at a time you played away your life…..you dated all the bad guys, you clubbed, had fun, did abortion on top and you are telling me, sorry no sex till after wedding!

    If you love me, you should wait…We will be together forever, cant you just wait………omo leave matter for mathias! I no be mugu, you cant use my head, keep it rolling or stay in your fathers house.

    4. Na me go come marry you, na me go pay bride price, pay wedding gown, pay the rent, pay fees, pay this pay that…..in that aspect, no equality….shebi i am the head of the house but when it comes to roles and responsibilites, we are equal. If you want to eat, stand up and go and fix it. I cook this week, you cook next week…. E be like say your head dey knock……you and who?

    5. If i am not doing you a favour, just stay in your fathers house then and grow old, die there. Why do you expect me to come take you away from the grip of your parents? Even in your fathers house you dont have freedom,,,,dont go out beyond this time; dont stay out late, do this, do that….you are not even free but you want to come to my house and take charge of my life….are you a Karashika?

    Men would be much better of without you in their lives…..Yes it is good for a man and woman to be together….but dont forget…a good woman….one who isnt a virus and a parasite, one who isnt wiaitng for you to come and rescue her and her family from the grip of poverty which has held their lives captive from time immemorial .

    Should i continue?…………Leave that thing my friend, Na favour we dey do you…..all those every night crying and weeping, Lord why me? When will it be my turn? when will i give my own testimony?……We are the Redeemer, Rescuer and Deliverer of your life!

    Please dont hang yourself on this o or have high blood pressure

    • kwinny

      March 1, 2017 at 1:26 pm

      You haven’t been in love with a good woman. Till then….

  10. Exceptionalstar

    February 28, 2017 at 9:59 pm

    You nailed it. And no, a man is not doing a woman a favour by marrying her.
    exceptionalstar.wordpress.com

  11. john

    February 28, 2017 at 10:02 pm

    pls I dont have the time to write an essay to explain to u what I meant. ..go up and read @olakunle falope comment ..his comment makes more sense and that will do

  12. dahne_647

    February 28, 2017 at 10:11 pm

    ‘When the purpose of something is unknown, abuse is inevitable’
    We don’t know our power. We are supposed to be a man’s crown; not the one polishing his shoes because of money and status.
    Please know your worth.
    You are worth more than sharwarma
    More than a car, house or trips to Dubai
    Please use your brain and apply it to make your own money. Then be content and don’t envy that girl who seems to have it all.
    The truth is when you depend on someone 4 money (whoever they are) they own you

  13. Na today?

    March 1, 2017 at 10:47 am

    My friend wee you stop deceiving yourself?

    Yes, we are doing you a favour. A very big favour at that!

    If men decide not to marry again, you all will be in one chance.

    1. Can i tell you that many men dont want to marry self? Just go to work, make money, relax, chill, have fun and spill the sperm (with a girl) Life isn’t that hard.

    Did you ask about having kids? Naaaa. Those who have kids will die and be buried, those who dont will die and buried also….whichever way they are buried doesnt matter cos the dead knows nothing again after death….na we dey waste money, do burial make people come chop. The sould will either be in heaven or hell and your burial doesnt affect hi a bit

    2. Marrying you comes with a whole lot of eish….

    You earny 300k salary for example, some for house keeping, some for the wife (even thou she is working and earns a salary, she still wants you to give her something), kids clothes, food, school fees, house rent, car maintenance, fueling of car and generator, payment of utilities like PHCN, DSTV, WATER, WASTE REMOVAL…..and you still have to pay for the random outings.

    Your salary is shared with an axe like this while hers is hers! It is for keeping up appearances, buying clothes, shoes, bags to show off on instagram, bella naija, aso ebi weddings and what have you

    A single guy does not have to be involved in all these. At most 2k for hoelosho, without any demand for anything and your life as a single guy can run at a greater pace. You can build factories, travel round the world, do and undo

    3. I stayed 9 months in my mothers womb before meeting her and my dad. Now i met you within 3weeks/1month, you are asking me where is this going? when am i going to meet your parents? I am not in for play or anything, i dont have time for time wasters but you have forgotten that at a time you played away your life…..you dated all the bad guys, you clubbed, had fun, did abortion on top and you are telling me, sorry no sex till after wedding!

    If you love me, you should wait…We will be together forever, cant you just wait………omo leave matter for mathias! I no be mugu, you cant use my head, keep it rolling or stay in your fathers house.

    4. Na me go come marry you, na me go pay bride price, pay wedding gown, pay the rent, pay fees, pay this pay that…..in that aspect, no equality….shebi i am the head of the house but when it comes to roles and responsibilites, we are equal. If you want to eat, stand up and go and fix it. I cook this week, you cook next week…. E be like say your head dey knock……you and who?

    5. If i am not doing you a favour, just stay in your fathers house then and grow old, die there. Why do you expect me to come take you away from the grip of your parents? Even in your fathers house you dont have freedom,,,,dont go out beyond this time; dont stay out late, do this, do that….you are not even free but you want to come to my house and take charge of my life….are you a Karashika?

    Men would be much better of without you in their lives…..Yes it is good for a man and woman to be together….but dont forget…a good woman….one who isnt a virus and a parasite, one who isnt wiaitng for you to come and rescue her and her family from the grip of poverty which has held their lives captive from time immemorial .

    Should i continue?…………Leave that thing my friend, Na favour we dey do you…..all those every night crying and weeping, Lord why me? When will it be my turn? when will i give my own testimony?……We are the Redeemer, Rescuer and Deliverer of your life!

    Please dont hang yourself on this o or have high blood pressure

    • kwinny

      March 1, 2017 at 1:28 pm

      are you the same person that did this write up or did you copy and paste or are you a goat?

    • Akpo Uyeh

      March 5, 2017 at 10:04 am

      Of course I am the one that did the write-up, it’s no copy and paste rather its straight from the heart

  14. New gurl

    March 1, 2017 at 11:59 am

    Well to some ladies the guys are actually doing them a favour and to some guys the ladies are the ones doing them a favour by getting married to them(let’s not pretend, we all know at least 1 person like that). Problem is most people go into marriage without understanding what it is or agreeing how they want it to be. Marriage is a beautiful thing if done right. We need to understand however that not everybody is meant to get married ( YES) and also that some people’s sole or major purpose in life is to get married ( freedom of choice, everybody can choose anything). The society is not helping matters, that is common knowledge, and it is difficult for we singles that are ‘ripe for marriage’ not to rush into it for the wrong purposes. Marry if you get the right person and yiure ready, if not remember that nobody has the monopoly of moving out of “the fathers ” house while still single, move out and live your life if you have the means to. I’m single and almost 30, if I get a good man fine(and no I’m not a liability nor after the money, I’m after something much more than that, a one bedroom apartment is great), if I don’t well I’ll move out when I have the means to and adopt a kid (so many beautiful kids out there) and life continues.

  15. Teematrix

    March 3, 2017 at 7:18 am

    Content aside, didn’t anyone proof read this write up? TOO many errors. This isn’t good for BN’s image.

    • Akpo Uyeh

      March 6, 2017 at 5:17 pm

      Thanks for taking time to read. Your observation has been noted d

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