Titilae Ilesanmi: How Motherhood Sometimes Tries to Change You

A few weeks after I had my son, I convinced myself that I should be able to bounce back quickly. There was a popular celebrity who had recently given birth, and somehow, I had made her my measuring stick by comparing myself with her. I told myself that if she could lose the weight so quickly, I should be able to as well. But my body didn’t respond the way I expected. The weight didn’t disappear. The scale refused to move. Every time I looked in the mirror, I wasn’t just seeing a body that had changed. I was seeing someone I no longer recognised. With every passing week, I became harder on myself.

At first, I thought I was simply disappointed that I wasn’t losing weight. But somewhere between comparison, unrealistic expectations, and trying to become someone else’s version of success, I slowly lost sight of the woman God had created me to be.

And I believe I’m not alone.

Over the years, through coaching women and listening to countless mothers share their stories, I’ve realised that this struggle is far more common than we admit. We talk about postpartum recovery physically, but we rarely talk about recovering our identity.

For many women, one of the biggest struggles after childbirth isn’t simply adjusting to motherhood. It’s trying to recognise the woman staring back at them in the mirror. Motherhood changes your body. It changes your routine. It changes your priorities. Sometimes, it also changes how we see ourselves.

But here’s what I’ve come to believe:

Motherhood may change your season, but it should never change your identity. That realisation marked the beginning of my journey back to myself. Not the version of me I was trying to become. But the woman God had already created me to be.

Here are three lessons that helped me.

Separate Your Identity From Your Roles

One of the greatest mistakes I made was allowing motherhood to become my entire identity. Yes, I was a mum. But I wasn’t only a mum. I was still a woman. Still gifted. Still worthy of care. Still deserving of joy.

Roles are important, but they were never meant to define us. Motherhood is something you do. It is not the totality of who you are. When your identity becomes attached to a role, every change in that role, good and bad, becomes you. Instead, learn to see motherhood as one beautiful expression of who you are, not the whole story.

Rediscover Yourself From Your Creator’s Perspective

One of the greatest gifts I gave myself was returning to God’s truth about my identity. Before I became a mother, I was His daughter. Before I carried children, I was deeply loved. Before I had responsibilities, I had worth. Motherhood didn’t create my identity. Neither did it take it away.

The world tells mothers to find themselves through appearance, productivity, or comparison. God reminds us that our identity was never meant to rest on any of those things. When your confidence is rooted in who God says you are, it becomes much harder for comparison to steal your joy.

Speak Life to Yourself, Not Criticism

One thing comparison taught me was how cruel I had become to myself. “I should be doing better.” “I don’t look good enough.” “Why can’t I be like her?”

Our words shape the way we see ourselves. If we constantly rehearse criticism, we’ll eventually believe it. Instead, I began intentionally replacing criticism with truth. Not because I felt confident every day. But because I wanted my words to align with what was true, not simply how I felt. Healing often begins with changing the conversations we have with ourselves.

Today, when I meet mothers struggling with confidence, I don’t immediately ask about their goals. I ask how they see themselves. Because I’ve learned that lasting confidence isn’t built by changing your body first. It’s built by rediscovering your identity.

If you’re in a season where you feel like you’ve lost yourself, I want you to know this: You are not behind. You are not less valuable. You are not forgotten. You haven’t disappeared. Perhaps, as I did, you’re simply being invited to rediscover the woman you’ve always been in another form. And that may be one of the greatest gifts motherhood has to offer.

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Featured Image by Cotton Bro for Pexels.