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Nkem Says: Every Man Should Want a Stubborn Woman

Nkem Ndem

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“I don’t want a stubborn woman.” A number of men say that when you ask them to name the one trait they will not abide in a woman they intend to marry. Stubborn women have such a bad reputation that displaying any trait of “stubbornness” is seen as a problem. “Difficult”, “complicated”, “hard-headed”, “uncouth”, “energy-draining”, “bossy” and “unattractive” are some of the words used to describe them – simply because they are a far cry from the simple, sweet, good-natured girls who like to go with the flow.

Last night, I was chatting with a male acquaintance and somehow our conversation turned to him complaining about his girlfriend. According to him, her attitude was ruining their relationship, even though he loved her very deeply. They had only dated for six months and he was already feeling exasperated.

He lamented: “she must always be the one who is right. She treats every little disagreement, fight or argument as a court case where she needs to put all the evidence out against me. She is bossy, stubborn and very defensive…always turning everything into my fault and it is driving me crazy. I can’t take it anymore”.
It was a classic case of stubborn man meets stubborn girl. We deliberated on the issue and it turned out my acquaintance was just having the communication issues. He needed a little advice on how to love a stubborn woman.

No character trait is a 100% blissful. None. Yes, being stubborn has its downers, but it can be a blessing, especially when it comes to relationships and marriage.
You’re probably wondering, “what is she on about? What is so lovable or attractive about stubborn women?”

Let’s start with the fact that “stubborn” girls are actually really assertive, dynamic, decisive and driven.

Of course having these strong attributes ensure that they are overbearing sometimes; but, they are never boring. They always light a fire that burns, ever so sweetly, in your heart forever.

With a stubborn girl, you will argue; sometimes, that’s a given. This is because unlike the docile female, she has a backbone and will never lurk behind, or agree with you out of fear, pity, or weakness. She will let you know when she does not agree with you or when you are not on the same page.

She always keeps it real. This does not mean that she will be emotional or irrational. Despite her own strong feelings, she will consider your perspective, but will stick to what she believes – if she does not agree with you. This is a good thing if you are looking for an honest, down-to-earth relationship.
Think about it; who wants to fall in love with someone that always agrees with them on everything? (Eww!)

A relationship with this kind of girl can never be a mediocre, passionless one. She will question you and engage you in deep conversations that will make you query your beliefs and ideas. Many times she will outsmart you; you may not like it, but it will be satisfying and always entertaining. In all, she will always treat you as her equal, or even put you first.

The stubborn girl will never stand off to the side and let you ruin yourself…especially, not when she sees your potential. She will fight you with all she’s got with the intention of leading you to the right path.

Of course, she will push your buttons, but no matter what craziness happens between the two of you, she will stick with you and work it out. She will never give up on you; basically, being stubborn means she is also stubborn about you and her feelings for you.
She will, instead, be the one constantly looking for ways to love you better and get you to love yourself more.

She is fierce with her feelings (which can be intense) so, even when she’s irritated by you or when you’re frustrated with her, she will remain loyal and keep on loving you.

Usually, women that are stubborn are like that for a reason. Perhaps, things have never come easy for them and they always had to fight for things. It could be that they have always had to struggle to earn what they know they deserve, so they have learned to be strong and driven.
Whatever the reason, their stubbornness usually stems from purpose. This purpose also makes them inspiring to those who love them.

Bottom Line: You may think a stubborn girl is not you want, but trust me, you want her. Chasing her may not be easy as she will take her time to really let you in.

A mentally strong man knows that a stubborn girl is the type of girl to be with, as he will be better for it. The easy girl will never satisfy him. She will always leave him wanting more. On the other hand, the kind of man who misunderstands and runs away from a stubborn woman is one who is unevolved. He is still a boy who doesn’t want to be challenged, confronted, or work hard for anything…particularly not a relationship.

Note that if a stubborn girl is not yet mature, she will be a huge pain in the ass. She will pick fight with you about everything, and your life will be a living hell. You will always feel like a failure in her presence; but, if you are patient, she will turn out to be the best thing you ever had.

Have you been with a stubborn girl, or are you one? Do you think stubborn girls are worth the effort?

Nkem Ndem is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for copywriting, editing and proofreading. She is also a content creator (web, T.V, radio) who has had stints with Jumia and SpiceTV Africa e.t.c. Now she works at Glam Africa as Online editor and BellaNaija as Features writer. E-mail: [email protected]; IG: @kem_dem; Twitter: @ndemv

59 Comments

  1. James

    May 4, 2017 at 5:32 pm

    Nkem can sell ice to the Eskimos…haha. I love your style of writing even when I disagree with your point of view.

    You made a pretty convincing case for liking a stubborn girl but those of us that have had experience with stubborn women know better.

    If you are a man and want to have a short life span, marry a stubborn woman.

    • Ottawa Queen

      May 4, 2017 at 7:17 pm

      @Nkem, Naah! That heading alone blew me off! I don’t find anything attractive with the word ‘stubborn’. You may have some sensible points to raise but I bet you could find another way to title this article.

  2. Darius

    May 4, 2017 at 5:35 pm

    You can write all the English in the world in defence of stubborn girls, but ahn ahn, no way. I don’t want a stubborn girlfriend or a docile one. What I want is a principled, christian lady.

    • Smh

      May 4, 2017 at 8:09 pm

      1+1= yam. So is principled and Christian synonymous or antonymous to being stubborn or being docile ?? Off point

    • Nkechi

      May 4, 2017 at 8:54 pm

      Yes Darius, that’s the right Spirit. It is about the WORD of God and not worldly dictates which produce dissatisfaction.

  3. Nitomeya

    May 4, 2017 at 5:35 pm

    I don’t know about trying to twist a negative word (Stubborn) into a positive one. However what you have described here has to do with personality. I think it is best for different personalities to mix together. If the man is more assertive, then the woman should be reserved (Vice versa). If the man is more reserved and less assertive then He needs a woman who is assertive and out going. Two hot heads cannot work, one has to chill for the other.

    Ps. Stubbornness is not a good trait in anyone, what men need is peace.

    • Adamazi

      May 4, 2017 at 7:08 pm

      What do women need?

    • Okay

      May 4, 2017 at 8:41 pm

      Haba you are asking for what women need, for an article that addresses what men need, na wah oh.

  4. CHIKA

    May 4, 2017 at 5:39 pm

    Thank you Nkem! Your Post just added more joy to the end of my day at work and yes I AM A STUBBORN WOMAN and I am worth the effort!

    Stubborn women are fun to be with, never a dull moment and you would never get bored.

    I can relate with everything above. All I know is a stubborn woman will stress you for fun so as to not never let you settle but push you towards your greatest potentials in life.

    Love a stubborn woman today.

    • Solz

      May 20, 2019 at 10:09 pm

      Happy stubbornness!!!!

  5. JNCLE GWE GWE GWE

    May 4, 2017 at 5:46 pm

    Stubborn women are sexy, atleast there would be something to quarrel/ disagree and have make up sex. Overly obedient women are boring…I DONT WANT TO MARRY A ZOMBIE!! You should have your views and be firm about it NOT the my husband is always correct???

    • Miss Pee

      May 4, 2017 at 7:02 pm

      Where have you being? Missedyour comments.

  6. iyke

    May 4, 2017 at 5:49 pm

    To be honest, the word ‘Stubborn’ is a non-word to me…… I see it as a meaningless term that only exists in people’s mind.
    Just because I won’t budge doesn’t make me stubborn. It just means I’m satisfied with my position. If you think I should do something differently, then you have failed to move me.
    Being ASSERTIVE should be the right word….. giving you good reasons for my position. If you don’t like them, then present better evidence to the contrary instead of throwing a hissy fit which obviously isn’t going to change me.
    Yes, I am set in my ways because they are working fine for me. And until you prove otherwise, I shall remain content.
    So, if you want me to compromise, you should be ready to offer me better value for what I’m giving up. Does that make me stubborn, NO…. I AM ASSERTIVE, mature and wise enough to know how to manage my assertiveness.

    • LL

      May 5, 2017 at 11:52 am

      You’re correct @iyke. When we had premarital counseling, my husband mentioned to the counseling couple that I was too stubborn. The man asked my husband to describe the traits and when he did the counselor advised that I was rather assertive and not stubborn and he(hubby) should learn to make good use of that trait as someone has to be assertive for the family. Of course I use that line every time 🙂

    • Wisdom

      May 5, 2017 at 11:06 pm

      Please what church , I need to go there for my Pre-wedding counseling?

    • Adaure Njoku

      May 5, 2017 at 2:08 pm

      I so love this. Nice write up Nkem. I love it

  7. Akara Pancake

    May 4, 2017 at 5:53 pm

    I dont know about stubborn, as that can mean a good thing like dogged or determined, or a bad thing like obstinate and inflexible.

    I like strict women. There is something really hot about a woman that is a bit strict or feisty.

    I like when a chick has a little bit of crazy in her. Not psycho crazy of course,

    As a man u have to have a small tinge of fear for your wife, as that tiny fear keeps you honest and considerate. Haha

    • Nkem Ndem

      Nkem Ndem

      May 4, 2017 at 6:24 pm

      [email protected] Pancake. That’s what you will say now. After two years of marriage, you will change your mind and that strictness you found attractive would now be “wintchery” to you. lol

    • Chief

      May 4, 2017 at 9:24 pm

      What????????????????????????? “Simp alert”

  8. Lucinda

    May 4, 2017 at 6:01 pm

    I disagree. There’s nothing appealing about an overly opinionated person. Male or female. You can be assertive and dynamic without being “stubborn”. You can be mature, intelligent and have a fun personality without shoving your assertiveness into other’s faces. You can own a conversation and negotiate your stand without being stubborn. You can have standards and uphold your boundaries firmly without being stubborn. Stubborn women are sensitive and get emotional easily because they find it difficult to entertain divergent opinions. This will leave you feeling emotionally drained and unhappy when things don’t go your way.

  9. Lucinda

    May 4, 2017 at 6:09 pm

    Also, it is beneficial on the long run to fall in love with someone who agrees with you on most things. The fun and excitement you get at the early infatuation stage, from going back and forth with a stubborn partner, wears off later on and turns into annoyance.

    • Nikky

      May 5, 2017 at 8:40 am

      lulu i agree with you. dated abi currently dating a stubborn dude. At first it was fun trying to figure out why he wont budge in certain situations and i had to pry things out of him, the making up after was also fun.
      Now im so pissed. I am a little assertive myself but i know when i am going too far. This dude doesnt know when or wherre to draw the line. At this point, i am running from his calls. I need peace in my life. Cant come and be fighting with man 4 times in a week.

      Lagos wahala is enough already. Man will now come and add his own. Mehn, im worn out with the dude. E go be!

      Being assertive is cute, but do it with sense. You should know when to allow others win a little.

  10. Alterego

    May 4, 2017 at 6:14 pm

    Nah. I’m not a guy but I’m sure I wouldn’t have my brother date or marry a woman who is tagged as stubborn. As an educator, that word connotes the following synonyms: cantankerous, cussed, dogged, firm, fixed, hardheaded, headstrong, inexorable, inflexible, insubordinate, intractable, mulish. The list is endless. A total die-hard, stubborn female (or even a man) isn’t always a good thing; give a little.
    At the same time, a docile, anything-goes kinda woman won’t work either. That’s a yawn, actually. Not an absolutely black and white definition of a woman, maybe a little grey lines, definitely some colored lines thrown in, to spice things up. Mind you, different situations bring out different reactions from different women. For example: a typically docile woman might be a dominatrix in the other room, while a ‘ballsbuster’ in the boardroom might be all vanilla otherwise. Vanilla ice-cream tastes better when combined with something else. Ever drizzled whiskey or rum or Irish cream over vanilla ice-cream? Not a lot, just enough to give it some bite. ?
    At the end of the day, just be you. There is definitely someone for everyone.

    • No Headaches Please

      May 4, 2017 at 8:08 pm

      Madam educator, you also need to learn the meaning of summary??

      This entire epistle could have been condensed in the last 3 lines of your… Epistle

    • Phineas

      May 4, 2017 at 8:33 pm

      Epistle? Who forced you to read it? Is it because it isn’t two lines of grunts and acronyms and abbreviations? You should learn to be polite to other commenters and if you weren’t taught at home, if you have nothing good to say, say nothing.

    • I

      May 4, 2017 at 11:44 pm

      She should also learn that she doesn’t really have a say in who her brothers actually choose to marry.

  11. koins

    May 4, 2017 at 6:54 pm

    Because you’re the one who dictates who your brother dates? Sorry o, chairwoman, association of havers of who my brother dates.

    • Alterego

      May 4, 2017 at 7:39 pm

      Ahhh, biko gbaghal u m o. Odiro kwa deep otua, I nugo? Ngwaa kutu ume. ?

    • Mufasa

      May 4, 2017 at 9:00 pm

      Please translate as I was enjoying the thread

      1
    • Mz IB

      May 4, 2017 at 9:19 pm

      She meant you guys should forgive her, its not that deep, oya calm ur pressure down

    • funmilola

      May 4, 2017 at 7:56 pm

      ??????

  12. Zinay

    May 4, 2017 at 6:59 pm

    Stubborn, Driven, Assertive! These are all words that describe me. I’m a fighter, I will fight with you and I will fight for you, unfortunately, I have found myself fighting alone on many occasions, but I draw my strength from within, so whenever this happens, I walk away, I can’t give my rubies to frogs. I will tire you out, but I’m definitely worth it

  13. Emmanuel

    May 4, 2017 at 7:36 pm

    Wether stubborn, assertive, feminist, or what word you wanna call it, i dated a girl who fit this description for 4 years, i stuck with her for so long against the advice of many. Everyday, another argument. I had to sit one day and ask myself if i wanted to die young. I had to painfully exit. It wasnt easy, but peace is such a sweet thing to have

  14. john

    May 4, 2017 at 7:40 pm

    excuses and excuses for women….advising men to marry a stubborn woman is like a woman being advised to marry a man who beats her ..after all it is all part of love and showing affection in a unique way

  15. Carmen

    May 4, 2017 at 7:44 pm

    LONG EPISTLE ALERT!
    Well written. I think the appropriate word should be ‘Assertive’. It’s not a trait many people (men and women) are comfortable with in a woman,but the truth is not all women will be docile.

    I’m a true example of the Assertive woman. I’m like the last person you’ll ride roughshod over…fearless and not easily intimidated.My sister,on the other hand…is the exact opposite. Most of the time,i know what i want and won’t let anyone convince me otherwise. However,I didn’t really like my A-type personality,I used to wish i was a bit like my sister.(Funny thing is my sister wishes she was a lil bit more assertive like me)

    This was until a few years ago when I started learning how to accept myself. I have a very analytical and proactive mind.I would usually spot the problems…think of the solutions long before anyone else,and then be very assertive about it. Usually pissed a lot of people off.A few times when I tried being someone else,I kept mute about what i thought and ‘unlooked’ like everyone else…things always went terribly wrong.

    You know what I discovered?Those character traits I usually call my weaknesses actually are also my strengths. I just needed to learn to create a healthy balance. My personality is a gift. My sister swears that everyone needs at least one ‘Carmen ‘ in their life to make it through. If you have a personality like mine…Just find a balance. The test is to treat others how you’ll like to be treated. Give what you’ll love to receive. You’ll be alright.

    P.S: If you are a career woman,especially in a male dominated industry…you’re gonna need a lot of that fiesty fire,baby!

    • Chief

      May 4, 2017 at 9:17 pm

      @Carmen…….A man will find it very hard to relate with an assertive woman romantically although most men are attracted to the idea of dating intelligent,assertive women but don’t actually like the reality of it.Men are not intimidated by assertive women but are turn off by them..What we don’t like is masculine energy you literally bring to the table.Most men are attracted to femininity not your masculine traits.Most of us are proportionally more masculine in relationship/marriage which means we are attracted to femininity..Masculinity attracts femininity.

      I’m not being insecure but just a fact,i think it’s a stretch to call a man” INSECURE”” because he can’t/won’t date/marry an assertive successful woman.This is a male “PREFERENCE” because assertive women are often opinionated self controlling and disrespectful(BTW i’m not saying you are) Anyway whatever sail your boat

      1
    • Lady!

      May 4, 2017 at 10:19 pm

      Your statement is already flawed because you associate masculine energy to assertiveness and being strong willed. A woman being assertive/strong never made her less of a woman or less feminine. It is the construct of society to think that somehow being assertive, strong, opinionated isn’t a woman’s place because we must shut up and take it all.

      1. Nkem if you can rename the article that will be nice something like ‘strong women’. instead of stubborn.
      2. Assertive, strong, opinionated or whatever word you use is not for men only.
      3. The issue is humans especially Nigerians both male and female lack a great deal of confidence and don’t know how to handle confident people let alone a confident woman.
      4. The best gift a man can get is an assertive/strong woman who has matured into the personality. When she’s young and immature, she may be tough to deal with but trust me when women like this develop, they have a balance, they know themselves, they make the best decisions, they don’t waste time on who/what doesn’t matter and they dance to their own tune and dare I say, they make the best wives because one thing that will always be the minimum requirement is respect and we take that seriously so we give it in excess as long as you make yourself someone who deserves our respect.
      5. I’m mad this article was written because it seems like a plea of some sort and it is unnecessary. I should not have to convince any man that my personality is ‘good enough’ for him. DA FUQ?
      6. When Nigerians move past the idea of marrying someone and just having/being a wife and having the title but focus more on having a partner in love and life, you will realize that in a man and woman it is extremely attractive to be assertive without condemning, opinionated but open minded and strong because life will not always be a bed of roses and with a weak person by your side, WELL GOOD LUCK!

      “A woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared person in the world.” – Mohadesa Najumi

    • Carmen

      May 5, 2017 at 9:04 am

      Was about to respond when i saw the comment was from chief.

      As you were.

    • Up Chief

      May 5, 2017 at 9:17 am

      Loud it chief. Opposites attract.

  16. Kosi

    May 4, 2017 at 7:50 pm

    I just feel like the world has (or should have) moved past the whole premise of this article and it makes me sad that we’re still talking about it.

    • No Headaches Please

      May 4, 2017 at 8:13 pm

      Darlin ‘ The world has. How long will it take you to figure out that Nigeria is still 15 centuries behind?? See what passes for discourse? LMAO!!!!

  17. melinda

    May 4, 2017 at 7:53 pm

    this is just me…..

  18. Rainbow

    May 4, 2017 at 7:54 pm

    This article make me smile. I like it. Oh! Is that not what they commonly call it in Africa? Especially Nigeria. “Stubborn”.

  19. Bowl

    May 4, 2017 at 8:19 pm

    Nkem , you meant strong/ assertive. I am that woman .I wasn’t always her, I grew into her.Life temperered me into her. I was happy the day we met ourselves. Every dream I am pursuing now was because of that meeting.Every day I am maturing into a better version of her. I have also learnt to recognize other women like her .They always seem to stand with their shoulders doubly squared in defiance of the world.

    • Carmen

      May 4, 2017 at 8:43 pm

      Bowl ..I like you already!

  20. Abz

    May 4, 2017 at 8:36 pm

    I felt like I was reading about myself. You nailed it, Nkem.

  21. Bowl

    May 4, 2017 at 8:57 pm

    I forgot to mention that while becoming this woman , I learnt to trade with my pride. It was and is still my greatest asset. It ensured I never ate shit when it is all there is to eat.

  22. Bowl

    May 4, 2017 at 9:02 pm

    Thanks Abz

  23. Bowl

    May 4, 2017 at 9:19 pm

    I meant Carmen

  24. Papacy

    May 4, 2017 at 9:51 pm

    Everyone typing “assertive” as if there isn’t a word like stubborn again. I’ve dated a stubborn woman. No, it wasn’t “assertion”. It was just plain STUBBORN (spell it out. It drives home my point). The sad part is you get used to it. Even miss it when it’s not there anymore. Be looking for how to quarrel so you can see that side of her again. It’s unhealthy biko.

  25. Lima

    May 5, 2017 at 3:39 am

    How did you grow into this assertive woman? I have been doing some reflections lately and I realized I am too soft. I always wonder what I am afraid of…don’t know really. I find that i let people walk over me sometimes just for peace to reign. I need to find a balance, because when i do try to voice my displeasure at certain situations I go overboard and end up looking crazy and immature. I think this has to do with me always letting things go.
    I need to learn how to set people straight without being overly emotional and not letting them see me sweat.

    • Maya

      May 5, 2017 at 3:10 pm

      Let me know when u get an answer to this.Am interested

  26. Festus

    May 5, 2017 at 7:59 am

    Re: Every Man Should Want a Stubborn Woman.

    Thank you very much for this article ( Every Man Should Want a Stubborn Woman). It is big game changer for me and my marriage. I dated my wife for a year before we rushed into marriage because she got pregnant underway our dating period. My mind was not prepared for marriage and I didn’t know what I wanted in a woman. My wife was the most stubborn person in the world then and now.

    We are 5 years down the line with 2 awesome kids, but life seems to be jerking out of me. My wife would cry, quarrel, argue, fight, slap me at the slightest provocation. She could force me to dial any strange number on my phone to speak with the owner to be sure who they are. She always cry that i don’t pay attention to her the way she wants. She likes gossips, but i don’t like gossips. I prefer sensitive discussions to mere gossips like someone divorced his wife etc. Such talks make me look little.

    As i write now, i left home over a week today and moved into a room somewhere while planning on the steps to take to get a divorce. But after your article, I called my wife and apologised to her, told her I am sorry for leaving for the house, and i also apologised for calling her stubborn goat.

    In addition to your beautiful article, stubborn women indeed make the best wives.
    I used to flirt with women a lot, but my wife’s stubborn attitude made me stop that because she would go through my phones and ask questions. She wants to know everything. That has helped made me a better person. I was a rude and an uncultured person, but my wife stubborn attitude has help teemed that. I had to adjust myself for her fire to burn.

    But babe, it is not easy. The heat in the house can be scourging like Sahara Desert heat. I had to slump a day and acted like i fainted to get my wife’s pity and leave me alone with her wahala. Oh, after i pretended to be fine again, the wahala continue the next day. It is not easy!!!

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    • b

      May 5, 2017 at 8:47 pm

      Hmn! I hope that is the right decision you made.
      Stubbornness is not cute in any way and it is obviously affecting you to the extent you moved ot of the house and was contemplating divorce.

      honey that shows you both need help don’t be sentimental, go get help you two.
      You have apologized fine but if a woman will see you faint from her argument and still argue again it means she does not mind you fainting again then one day you will faint for real and die from it.

      don’t be sentimental go find help!!!!
      we don’t want to hear stories of wife stabbing husband after argument o.

      by the way I am a woman and in my 40s so i have seen and i understand sentiments different from love and wanting peace.

      it is your right to enjoy your life in peace don’t be fooled.

      *****FOR YOUR INFO: she does all that because you take the shit!!! you will be surprised if you find out that she is a mumu for someone else emotionally.

    • Hmmm Okay oh

      May 5, 2017 at 11:26 pm

      This sounds more like abuse to me. Stockholm syndrome?

  27. Adaure Njoku

    May 5, 2017 at 2:09 pm

    I love this

  28. Rrrrr

    May 5, 2017 at 3:39 pm

    I grew up with a stubborn woman and swore never to be like her. I mean most of the time baseless argument and senseless discussions that doesnt profit anybody. You sleep at night and be having palpitations because of stubbornness. Abeg am a woman and i dont find that cute at all. If you cant go a week or two without an argument as a bf/gf mehn its bye- bye forever. I love peace and quiet and i seek a guy who wants that. Two versions of my life cant be the same na

  29. W

    May 7, 2017 at 8:58 pm

    Was in a conversation with some male friends and they were suggesting going out for beers and getting drunk after we completed a project. One of them said to me you will also have a drink and get drunk. Another replied him, this one is too stubborn to get drunk. It did hurt to even think that i was considered stubborn and wondered were the word even came out from in the first place. So refusing to get drunk is also considered as being stubborn eh kwa.

  30. mmhhh

    May 18, 2017 at 3:23 pm

    Stubborn is a negative term for Principled or Focused just like Bossy is a negative term for Assertive. These words do not help women in anyway.

    I am principled. I am assertive. I am focused and I know what I want. Does that mean I cause untold arguments……no, Life is too short for drama……However, I will also not roll over and be walked over by any man or woman.

    I do concur though that the drive, passion and focus a “stubborn” woman brings to the table is the best ever. However, this needs to be channelled properly and this can only be done through maturity and wisdom.

    I had a woman friend who was “stubborn” and even I had to run away from her because she would just not change gears. Always operating in gear 5. The best type of stubborn woman is one that can change gears.

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