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Now That the Honeymoon Is Over! The Transition From Hot Romance to Hot Reality

Nkem Ndem

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When you first meet someone and you connect with them, you can’t help but feel enraptured by the person’s personality.

You find yourself so utterly and disgustingly infatuated or obsessed that everything about them makes your world a better place. You often find yourself wondering how you had existed before you met them. It’s almost like having an addiction. They are on your mind 24/7 and you can’t imagine life without them.

Unfortunately, this state of euphoria that constitutes the honeymoon phase does not last forever. Inevitably, the high-energy, high-octane honeymoon emotions cool off, and you brain starts to function again. The novelty fades.

The feeling you had for your partner, which were mostly high on expectations and low on reality, is replaced by more realistic thought… and the real work of building a relationship becomes apparent.

Depending on the circumstances, the honeymoon stage could last for weeks or even stretch up to years before it fades. And usually, when it fades, it becomes a struggle to make the transition into the more matured phase of love, which includes trust, attunement, and true intimacy.

Your system goes through some sort of shock and some of the thoughts that go through your mind include:

He/she does not love me anymore
You find that your partner no longer wakes you up with the “Good Morning Sunshine” messages. The calls and chat messages are no longer frequent. You’re both communicating with each other at a far slower rate, and you do not get as much attention anymore.

Basically, that desperate need to remind the other of your presence is no longer as insistent. This worries you, and the only explanation that makes sense is that your partner does not love you anymore and whatever feeling you shared is dying. Because you are like an addict in search of the next high, you fail to see that the new punctuations in your relationship routine, isn’t something that particularly needs to be mourned.

Sure, the all night-conversations and all-day texting is now in the past, but then you are probably more productive at work; you no longer feel like you have to pretend to like that thing in bed which you don’t really like; and you no longer have to hold in your farts.

To survive this stage, you have to keep your eyes on the positives, no matter how difficult it may be. See it as your partner being “normal” with you, rather than they not loving you anymore.

We are fighting over everything now. God! It is so draining. I feel emotionally abused.
Of course at the beginning, everything your partner does is gold. You agree with everything and there are few arguments. But as your relationship grows and transitions, the blinded obsession you had for your other half stops being so blinding.

You start to notice the thing you normally ignored, and you find that the disagreements and arguments become more frequent and more intense.

You realize she is too emotional or needy; or you see that he is too egoistical, stubborn and domineering.
Other times, it is the criticism from your partner that gets you so frustrated and emotionally drained that you start to question the need to continue with the relationship. This is because it is easier to blame your partner for any negative feelings that may arise.

Usually the arguments have underlying reasons. It helps to do some introspective reflection, to understand what you feel is at the root of the fight or argument. You can even bounce your thoughts off of a friend to gain further perspective.

Most times, you find that the feelings stem from the high expectations that you haboured in your head during the honeymoon phase. They are unrealistic, and can only be resolved as you work on creating new standards for your partner.

You need a lot of patience to work through this. Every time you feel frustrated, take a step back and take ownership of your feelings; that way you stop the resentment from festering.

Also, communicate. Talk to your partner about your feelings, rather than accusing he/she of making you feel ‘somehow’ without explaining how. That is the best way to achieve a productive resolution.

Wow! he/she is not as interesting and as intelligent as I thought
During the honeymoon stage, almost everything your partner says is totally brilliant. You find their little quirks adorable and they are so awesome you wonder if they are ever wrong. As time goes by, however, they do not seem as witty as they used to be and you’re unquestionably less charmed by their tendency to tell the same annoying joke to death.

The sex is not even as great anymore. You practically memorized the layout of his penis or her curves and nothing is new and exciting anymore. You may even get bored and start wondering what it was that attracted you to them in the first place.

You also start to see all the red flags that emotions did not allow you to see when you first started and you even find yourself thinking that they are not the person that you thought they were.

To survive this, you may want to constantly remind yourself why you were attracted to them in the first place.

Again, paying mindful attention to each other will help maintain and even rekindle that connection and feeling of togetherness you had at the initial stage.

Should I break it off before he breaks it off
The veil has been yanked off from your eyes and you see your partner for who they really are. Their flaws become very glaring. They no longer fit that image you have in your head and you don’t know what to do about it. Maybe you feel exhausted from all the emotional arguments or you have really analyzed the friendship and realized that you actually have nothing in common. Your relationship lacks mutual respect, trust, mutual fulfillment and safety.

In all truth, it is imperative that you consider the pros and cons of your situation and realize the benefits (if any) of putting an end to the relationship. What you want is someone that will make you happy in the long term; if your partner is not that, it is safer to just call it what it is: an awesome fling and keep stepping.

Moving on from the honeymoon stage is one of the most painful transitions you have to make in any kind of relationship really. It can be scary, if you are the type who only craves the first stage excitement. However, it is an essential transition, as it is the only way you can develop the love you have into something deeper and more meaningful.

What are other thoughts you’ve had after your honeymoon stage expired?

Photo Credit: Syda Productions | Dreamstime.com

Nkem Ndem is an energetic and highly accomplished Media Consultant who loves to help small businesses, especially women-led, grow their online presence using the right digital strategy or transition from traditional organizational boundaries. With years of experience in Copywriting and Editing, Content Branding and Strategy, Social media, and Digital Marketing, she is clearly obsessed with Digital Communications. She is the Head of Content and Lead Consultant at Black Ink Media - an Ideation and Content Agency that excels in providing fresh, creative digital services to content-centric businesses. Find out more about her at www.blackinkm.com or send her an e-mail at [email protected] Also follow her on IG: @nkemndemv, Twitter: @ndemv.

30 Comments

  1. Odididi

    May 2, 2017 at 3:16 pm

    You find out he is not as rich as he thought he was from the start of the relationship when he would always fly you to see him or get you the latest iphone 8. When the real marriage starts,when you need the real money for the real things..na den u go hear am. (For the ladies that go after d money )

    • Bukola A

      May 2, 2017 at 3:43 pm

      Why does it always have to be the women chasing the men for money ?
      I don’t understand , not all us women need money from men.
      We’ve definitely got our own …..we don’t need men to fly us around the world when we can fly ourselves with our girl friends ….do dinners , lunch, chill, mani , pedis … all with our money….
      Some of us women actually make our money and don’t need men for financially stability . (Gasppppsss)

    • Olu

      May 2, 2017 at 5:10 pm

      He said ..”(For the ladies that go after d money )”

      Are you ‘after d money’?

    • Bukola A

      May 2, 2017 at 6:29 pm

      And Olu if you read what I wrote I said why does it always have to be about the women chasing the money ?
      Why can’t it be the men chasing the money ?
      Everything is always about us women
      Cut us some slack !
      Bruh chillllll…..
      N nah I don’t chase after men for money
      I got my own hard earned $$$ i work my behind for so I don’t get to deal with men like you asking me if I’m after the money!
      Osheyyyyy!

  2. simsi

    May 2, 2017 at 3:18 pm

    This article really resonated with me. I’m definitely going through this phase right now. Thank you for this article. I’ll definitely apply it to my relationship.

  3. Carmen

    May 2, 2017 at 3:44 pm

    Hot honeymoon to hot reality. LOL. I sincerely hope it isn’t as dreadful as this sounds.

    • Sylvie

      May 6, 2017 at 12:02 pm

      It is hard , believe. If one doesnt make a conscious effort, they may loose the good thing they have. I know cause am dealing with it presently.

  4. Worrier

    May 2, 2017 at 3:54 pm

    And another one! Na wa oo. Is there anything actually exciting about marriage at all?

    • Hian

      May 2, 2017 at 5:06 pm

      It’s not even about marriage. Simple relationships and situationships go through these phase as well. So painful.

    • funmilola

      May 2, 2017 at 8:29 pm

      You definitely didn’t read the article, smh.

  5. yummymummycumchick

    May 2, 2017 at 3:59 pm

    y cant life b a fairy tale!

  6. Aramide

    May 2, 2017 at 4:44 pm

    If both parties are mature from the start of the relationship, there would be no trouble transitioning. If one party had unrealistic expectations, then there will be problems.

    I dropped those unrealistic romantic nonsense in my mid- twenties. By the time i was 27, I just stopped looking for anyone to make me happy or show me love. I learned that as a human, I am deeply flawed and can never meet anyone’s expectations not even mine so why should I expect someone else to make me happy?

    So when I met my husband it was more of compatibility and ensuring that we had the same goals. i have a bright future and I can do wrong all by myself, why do I need someone to do me wrong? There were romantic stuff but we both knew that was icing on the cake and not the real deal. I got married with my eyes wide open and now we love each other even more deeply and realise that we can’t do without each other. Do we have flaws? Yes but when I think about my own flaws, I am less tempted to throw accusations or tantrums. Instead it’s more of, what you did is not going down well with me. We hear each other out and life goes on.

  7. June

    May 2, 2017 at 4:53 pm

    Talk about TRUTH!!! Oh the struggle ???!

  8. i love my husband

    May 2, 2017 at 5:05 pm

    Marriage is exciting but it takes time and it takes a lot of effort from the 2 people. You have to learn the art of communication, resolving conflicts, forgiveness and loving the other person. Its a lot of work but its fulfilling if you are with the right person

  9. legal diva

    May 2, 2017 at 5:10 pm

    Very nice write up. I’ve come to realise that most issues in relationships (not just marriage but ppl we relate daily with) tend to be from high expectations we hv and d world will be a better place if we stop expecting so much frm ppl. When u go into marriage with so much expectations u are bound to get frustrated sooner than u knw especially wen its nothing like u expected. But those who go into marriage expecting little tend to be happier bcos the spouse doesn’t hv to lv up to their expectations and they appreciate every little thing s/he does since it wasn’t expected in d first place. If both parties hv d mindset of giving and not of getting only then the home will be more than sweet!!!

    • Leo

      May 2, 2017 at 9:06 pm

      That is why in relationship you have to under play and not build castles in the air. If your underplay and thing turn out well, glory to God but if you show yourself too much and things fail, OYO for you. God punish you say na over sabi woman you marry …….,.

  10. Akara Pancake

    May 2, 2017 at 5:17 pm

    That is why it is called the “honeymoon” stage. Honey as in sweet, sugary.
    Moon as in “mumu”

    Enjoy it while it lasts, and afterwards it is back to reality, back to insanity, back to the effects of gravity.

    In the post honeymoon stage, she snores, he pisses all over the toilet seat and leaves it up to boot, as he cannot aim, she has no aims and ambitions, she has smelly armpits with very long hairs inhabiting there

    He chews with his mouth open exposing the milky goo to disgusting onlookers; she cannot even cook, and all those “home-cooked” treats she brought you were purchased from Ghana High; he is always high or intoxicated; she has daddy issues and cries about every thing; he has fathered two kids he never told you about.

    With your flaws, you probably both deserve each other.

    • Nkem Ndem

      Nkem Ndem

      May 3, 2017 at 8:07 am

      @Akara Pancake. LOL. y do i feel like you have described your situation right here. lol. clown.

  11. Odididi

    May 2, 2017 at 8:11 pm

    We understand.im nt dragging it with you. It is the order of the day nne and since it does not apply to you like i states…move on..don’t take it personal (unhooks bra with a smile)

  12. Alterego

    May 2, 2017 at 10:46 pm

    I want to believe that while the sparks might not fly all the time, at least we can have moments of passion and gentle earthquakes. We do not have to slip into monotony. We shall not slip into monotony. While we might not always use the titles of bae/boo/bumskala etc, I trust that we would not start calling each other Mama Toby or Papa Emma. While the children come and we juggle school rum/work/pta meetings/soccer practice and a billion other stuff and I don’t have the time to buy matching sexy underwear, I hope my sturdy, cotton panties will just do fine. Not every time sexy and bamboozling. Sometimes normal should do just fine. So even while you annoy me and I look at mortar pestle lovingly, I remember why I chose you, remember why I love you. I remember that you love all of me, warts and all, insecurities and all. I remember that you chose this insane, flawed, selfish, introverted, nerdy, unpredictable and totally exasperating me. So I will turn away from the mortar, sort out the ish and oh well, tomorrow holds it’s own promise.

    • Siri

      May 3, 2017 at 12:55 am

      I love the way you give life to words. Your comments are a burst of sunshine on a dreary day. Can we be besties?

    • Alterego

      May 3, 2017 at 9:19 am

      Sure!

  13. samesider

    May 3, 2017 at 6:33 am

    It’s a normal phenomenon, the graph curve shoots up, reaches a peak, a plateau, desends to equilibrium, at that stage, the genuity or otherwise of the love maintains or crashes the relationship….. preparation, maturity and focus is the key…..

  14. ladybird

    May 3, 2017 at 4:30 pm

    Thoughts i’ve had?OMG he doesn’t listen to me,doesn’t understand me..why was I smitten with his sugar words and tenderness lolll and this is from someone who is extremely perceptive sigh*Now after all the drama he’s getting married to someone else 3months after we broke up ;(

    • chizzy

      May 4, 2017 at 2:50 pm

      A lot can happen in 3 months trust me. It might not mean he was seeing someone else all along

    • ladybird

      May 5, 2017 at 9:06 am

      3 months and a wedding date has been set..not just engaged o..cards printed and all..i beg to differ….

    • caramel chic

      May 5, 2017 at 6:16 pm

      Its okay girl, you are not alone. I went through exactly the same thing. Mine was even one month after. (LONG STORY) it will take you a while to move on emotionally from it. Just don’t let your heart be hardened. Examine your own behaviour in the realtionship. Forgive yourself. Pour your time and heart into hope. Hope for the knd of woman you want to be. We all make mistakes dear. Remember your identity and validation isn’t in a man choosing you. But you choosing yourself. Everyday you must ask yourself. do I choose me? #virutalkisses

  15. Idomagirl

    May 4, 2017 at 9:20 pm

    This is normal – but I believe being friends beforehand, having realistic expectations and knowing how to communicate properly goes a long way.

    • bea

      May 10, 2017 at 1:44 pm

      I dont even agree it is normal. I have been married for like 4years and I am yet to see that reality.
      Maybe because we were down to earth with ourselves before marriage sha!

      We fought all we could then and decided it was time to move forward together so no issues at all since we married. Its been a blissful roller coaster. I can remember us fighting since 4years ago. I thank God and pray he keeps it this way I beg.

  16. bea

    May 10, 2017 at 1:44 pm

    cant remembe

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