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Your Better Self with Akanna: So, This is My Love Language

Akanna Okeke

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Akanna OkekeLast week, I told you that my girlfriend and I both started the year off reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  It was our book for the month of January as we sought to understand each other better, and learn to speak each other’s love languages.

Before reading the book though, we both took the Love Language Profile for Couples online, individually.  The purpose was to try to figure out what our primary love languages were, even though we hadn’t read the book yet.

It came out that she had 3 primary love languages: Acts of Service, Physical Touch and Quality Time; scoring 7 in each of those, out of 12.

You can imagine how daunting that looked to me.  I mean, the main purpose here was to find out the one primary love language that we could focus on, and pay the most attention to, while speaking the rest every once in a while.  Now, it was looking like I had to focus on 3. Three out of five!

Well, mine came out as Words of Affirmation.  I scored a very high eleven out of twelve there.  The rest were: Receiving Gifts (8/12), Acts of Service (6/12), Quality Time (4/12) and then Physical Touch (1/12).

Now it was looking more daunting.  Her top 3 were my last 3! How was this relationship supposed to work?

It turns out we were a little misguided.  That’s why education is very important, self-education most especially.  We both read the book and, after we spent the whole of January reading and discussing it together, we took the Profile again.  This time, it was the one at the back of the book itself.  It had one Profile for “him” and another for “her”.

Now, with a better understanding of who we were – after studying – her results were different.  Her numbers changed.  She scored 9/12 for Quality Time, and it turns out that’s her primary love language, followed closely by Physical Touch (8/12), Receiving Gifts (5/12), Words of Affirmation (4/12) and then Acts of Service (3/12).

Mine did not change much.  Words of Affirmation was still my number one, also with an eleven out of twelve.  Both Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service came in second with a score of 7/12 each.  Then Quality Time (4/12) and Physical Touch (1/12) just like before.
So, here we are.  Now we know our primary love languages, but there’s still a little bit of a problem and that’s why I’ve written this article today.

I need your suggestions.

As you can see, our primary love languages are wildly different.  The only relief after reading the book and taking the test again was  that, for her, Receiving Gifts became more important – her top 3.  And since giving and receiving gifts come naturally to me, it was a relief to me!

But her top 2 do not come naturally to me.  She likes Quality Time the most and I like spending time alone: reading, writing, taking walks, napping.  She likes Physical touch next and, for me, that’s my least. I scored only 1/12 there.  I guess someone who likes some quiet time – being mostly by himself –wouldn’t like to be physically touched a lot.

To make matters a little bit more difficult, we are long distance!  So, how do I even try to practice spending Quality Time together and Physical Touch?

How do I speak her primary love languages to her when the combination of both my natural tendencies and the distance between us makes it such a challenge?

It’s easier for her to speak mine over the phone to me –literally. Words of Affirmation, and she does it so well!  It’s now left to me to figure out how to make speaking her love languages to her easier for me to do.

So, what do you suggest? How should we go about making the most of our relationship in light of this new discovery and the situations around it?

I would love to know your thoughts on this.  I’m hoping that I’d learn a whole lot from my readers this time!

15 Comments

  1. Mrs chidukane

    February 20, 2018 at 1:47 pm

    Make sure that most of the time you spend with her, is spent with her alone. Avoid group dates, unless its a wedding. It always used to pain me when my boyfriend, now husband, would allow his friends tag along on our dates. There were times I refused to join him because of it. I want to spend time with you, not you and your friends.

    • Akanna Okeke

      Akanna Okeke

      February 20, 2018 at 2:32 pm

      Ah thanks for that Mrs chidukane. I remember one time she visited and my roommate wanted to “accompany” us to the mall LOL! That did not happen!!

  2. Ajala & Foodie

    February 20, 2018 at 2:18 pm

    My now husband and I were long distance for most of our time together while dating and even for a few years after marriage. Our love languages too are totally different mine was Acts of service and quality time while for him it is physical touch and words of affirmation. Now, to make things a little more complicated I “speak” more with Giving. I feel people can misunderstand your words and even actions but you will be hard pressed to misconstrue or misunderstand a gift. I am also a germophobe so being touchy feely is not my thing. But I learned with my partner. I would hold hands , i would always initiate a perk on the lips when we met or were separating (This we carried on to marriage, although he was shy about it when I started). As for the words of affirmation I think I am still a work in progress, he may disagree. For him, meeting mine, whenever we were together, we both made sure “us time” were a priority and both our families were aware of this, it has since carried over into marriage as well. We do a lot together that some think it may be unhealthy, not that we agree. I think with Acts of service it became easier with marriage because he quickly learned that was one of the fastest ways to get “me going”.

    • Akanna Okeke

      Akanna Okeke

      February 20, 2018 at 2:40 pm

      Beautiful! @ Ajala & Foodie!
      I like that you guys kept on learning and growing and it seems like you still are. You are both intentional about showing love to each other and that’s one of the main points I’m taking away from this. Thanks a lot for your well thought out comment. Lots of tips in there!!

    • Abies

      March 20, 2018 at 6:56 pm

      I am here and i would like to learn more about how you coped with the distance.I am running mad

  3. e mi ni

    February 20, 2018 at 2:20 pm

    im in a long distance relationship and my beau is also not big on quality/quantity time, it’s wonderful that you want to make the effort and you’re asking for suggestions.
    My Tips/Suggestion: Quality time is not Quantity time – so when you do spend time together, make her feel like she is your priority during that time, either during a phone call or when you are together putting anything distracting away… maybe even having a set time for just the two of you.

    • Akanna Okeke

      Akanna Okeke

      February 20, 2018 at 2:34 pm

      “Quality time is not Quantity time”!!! I will always remember that and try to make the most of the little time we spend together. Thanks a lot, @e mi ni 🙂

  4. Hilda

    February 20, 2018 at 2:29 pm

    Such a great post. I’ve read this book a few times and taken the test several times. LOL!!! It’s great that you’re good at expressing one of her major love languages which is giving gifts but most ladies still want you to spend quality time with them. For your relationship which is long distance, picking a particular day a week where you talk with her alone without any interruptions might help. That doesn’t mean you won’t talk other days in a week but you can pick a convenient day and time every week to just talk with her. She will look forward to that time trust me. For Example you can pick Thursdays by 9pm to 10:30pm and just talk with her or even ask if there’s something she wants to talk about.
    I hope this helps.

    • Akanna Okeke

      Akanna Okeke

      February 20, 2018 at 2:52 pm

      Thanks Hilda! That helps. We have a particular time of the day everyday already and she looks forward to those times 🙂 I’m also beginning to enjoy them myself. It’s funny how you begin to enjoy doing things when you’re doing them “in spite of” rather than “because of”.

      With all the several times you’ve taken the test (lol) have your primary love languages been changing?

  5. [email protected]

    February 20, 2018 at 5:33 pm

    Being in a long distance relationship ( 8 hours apart) myself and my primary love language is quality time. One thing that works for us is when the boyfriend and I connect several times during the day and it doesnt have to be long conversations. Just those “hellos and His’ before we get to have the real catch up later in the the day.
    Also try to ensure that the time you spend connecting is for you guys so cant cant be writting a report or watching a movie during the connection time.
    Also including her in all your plans from the planning to the execution stage helps make your partner feel connected to you.

    • Akanna Okeke

      Akanna Okeke

      February 21, 2018 at 1:51 am

      Thanks @[email protected]!
      Connecting during the day time is quite challenging because of work but we try to say good mornings and some hellos sometimes.
      Connecting in the evenings works much better for us.
      We try not to multi-task when connecting too, lol! I really can’t imagine watching a movie or writing a report at those times – it just won’t work. I can’t even imagine anyone doing that, lol!

      8hrs apart? Wow! You guys are trying!! kudos!

  6. Marian

    February 20, 2018 at 9:08 pm

    You have to first love and accept eachother the way you are. I say that because after i do, over-familiarity kicks in and it’s so much harder to put in the work and speak the other persons love language. That’s why communication is important, if one party feels like their love tank is low he/she has to speak up. She is also the best person to help you out. Pay attention to what she nags/complains about and ask her to always speak up if there is something she wants you to do more of.

    As per the physical touch: Send her one of your tshirt sprayed with your cologne and she can turn it into a sleepwear. If she wears the same size as you, maybe throw in a boxer too.
    Send her random pictures ( you eating lunch, doing something at work…) during the day to share a part of your day with her; Whatsapp lets you record videos now.

    • Akanna Okeke

      Akanna Okeke

      February 21, 2018 at 1:51 am

      Very practical tips, Marian! Love it!!
      Thanks a lot 🙂

  7. Ojii Oma

    February 21, 2018 at 3:29 am

    What a wonderful blessing to read your articles weekly. There’s always so much to take away from them that is applicable to my life. I enjoy reading them. I have even recently set an alarm to make sure I never miss a post! This article did not fail to come through, I know that you are doing a good job and that she is a grateful woman to have such a brilliant and thoughtful man. I agree heavily with Marian’s post. The first line states that you have to first love and accept each other the way you are. That’s very true! If not you’ll start from a place of selfishness and you’ll use the love language with wrong motives. (Of course I remember Mr. Chapman mentioning this in his book as well.) When you love your significant other, you allow them to freely be who they are and you act as an enhancement to their life. So as we embrace their language of love. We remember that love itself is truly what is primary.

    • Akanna Okeke

      Akanna Okeke

      February 21, 2018 at 2:36 pm

      Thanks so much, Ojii Oma 🙂
      “So as we embrace their language of love, we remember that love itself is truly what is primary.”
      That’s very profound!
      Thanks a lot for writing in and I’m glad that you find value in my articles. By God’s grace I won’t disappoint. We’re all doing our best and God will help us all to love one another like He’s loved us!

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