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Lota Ofodile: The Kind of Breakups No One Ever Talks About

Lota

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Breakups are by far one of the most painful experiences in life. And depending on how deeply in love or how much time was invested in the relationship, the pain can be anything from mild to excruciating.

I have had my fair share of breakups, so I am no stranger to them. And being the relationship junkie that I am, I have come across the million and one suggestions that exist for getting over breakups, so I felt prepared enough to handle them however or whenever they presented themselves… or so I thought, until a friend of mine, Ndidi (not real name) broke up with me. A very good friend I might add. And it hurt so much.

About this time two years ago, I was in a very bad place in my life as I had made what was easily my dumbest decision yet. I was romantically involved with someone who was in a complicated on/off relationship. Granted, I didn’t know about it at the beginning, but I found out a few weeks later and still stayed. Because I was neither proud of myself nor the situation, it wasn’t something I could tell just anybody about. So I told only a few people—my really close friends—the people I feel most comfortable with, and I know I can trust with just about anything. Ndidi was one of them. My mom and I are pretty close and she didn’t even know about it; that’s how embarrassed I was about the situation.

Anyways, it was a few weeks into the flawed relationship when I had the most awkward Facetime conversation with Ndidi. During the call, she straight up told me that she could no longer be friends with me because of it. It’s been almost two years since that Facetime call happened, and I’ve still not successfully processed that “breakup”, so I honestly don’t even remember what my reaction was. But she wasn’t kidding. That was the last of our everyday Facetime conversations.

I felt pain, betrayal and sadness, but mostly confusion. Confusion because I suddenly realized that no one had ever taught me how to deal with losing a close friend. What are you supposed to do? How do you react? Do you get to ask them why? Or talk about “remember how we did this and that?” Do you beg them not to leave? Remind them of the memories and bond you have together? I didn’t know what to do. It was something I never thought I’d have to experience. And don’t get me wrong, obviously friends come and go. Life happens in phases right? And there are people meant for each phase. But there are some friends that are there for the whole ride, or at least you hope they will be. I thought she was one of them so I didn’t know how to handle it. Just think of one of your closest friends. Someone you’ve been friends with for a really longtime. Someone you were sure you’d still be friends with 50 years from now. Then imagine doing something so stupid that they are so disappointed with you that he/she decides to end your friendship. Yeah, it sucked. I was genuinely hurt and lost.

I remember being so confused because I honestly couldn’t believe that was it for us. This was a friendship of over 8 years, and at least 3 out of those 8 years were solid. I cried because I wasn’t sure what else to do and crying is weirdly one of my hobbies. I called up two of my other really close friends who were also good friends with her, and told them what had happened. They weren’t sure how to react to it either, but their response was something along the lines of “Lota, you messed up so you can’t really blame her,” and “everyone has their limits”.

And it’s so true! Everyone does have their limits. And we all should. I really screwed up. Like I said, it was my worst decision ever, my biggest regret. So in the end, even though I was hurt and I wished our friendship didn’t have to end, I got it. I get it. And I am learning from it. The decisions we make affect the people in our lives. You can’t just live your life without considering the repercussions it might have. Everyone has their limits and it’s important to be aware of that. But more importantly, be sure to know yourself well enough to know what yours are, and try not to lower or cross them. Not only will they save you from unnecessary headache, they’ll also serve as a foundation for what your values will be, and the kind of life you want to live. They will essentially determine the kind of person you are.

It is so important that we know our limits. It is what separates the person that leaves a problematic relationship, marriage (or in my case, friendship) from the person that stays and continues to suffer in silence. It is what enabled anyone that has made his or her way out of any less than ideal situation. That and courage and self-respect obviously—they all go hand-in-hand.

It took my friend breaking up with me for to realize the importance of having limits. Do I miss her? Of course. But it is what it is. It is difficult losing a dear friend, but maybe it needed to happen so I could learn from it.

Photo Credit: © Andrey Popov | Dreamstime.com

Hi I'm Lota, and I believe that love is the greatest gift of all. I am Nigerian, and my family and friends mean the world to me. I enjoy having great conversations and listening to people's opinions. I am a Nollywood connoisseur of sorts, and a lover of God, food, and everything pink! Writing helps me relax and process my thoughts. Professionally, I am in pursuit of a career that merges my passion for healthcare and entertainment media. Visit my blog at Lota Relates. Watch my vlogs here.

34 Comments

    • annie

      February 5, 2018 at 5:12 pm

      Did you read the article? This is not the usual boy dumps girl article please we dont care. Cheers.

    • Red

      February 5, 2018 at 11:42 pm

      I visited my BestFriend of 14years in the States. Expectedly, I’ll be housed in her room for the duration of my stay right? Wrong! Shorty made me sleep on the floor of her younger Sister’s room. Why? A friend of hers who she’s trying to impress (rumors later swirled that they were both Lesbos??‍♀️) was visiting at the same time and she thought it wise to “relocate” me and my belongings to her sister’s room. I ended up on the floor because her Sister also had a guest over ????. #YouCantMaleThisStuffUp! Aye mi temi Bami! When I returned to Nig, I cut alllllllll fracking ties with her. End of story.

    • memebaby

      February 7, 2018 at 5:15 am

      lol i got ghosted in the fall last year on a second date.. i honestly cannot remember his name but just the face loll… (i am thinking so hard right now what that goat’s name is ).. shame no let me talk.. my besties and my mom do not know this… i cannot deal .. but honey with time you will be alright.. 🙂

  1. Tolu4show

    February 5, 2018 at 2:51 pm

    I think for me it depends on how close the person is to me. I have about 4 close friends and a best friend but I treat them all differently but love them all.
    When I was in Uni my best friend was dating someone who had a gf, the dude went ahead to get engaged and my bestfriend won’t leave this guy alone. I had a conversation with her about it; I mean a very honest conversation about it. I told her I do not support it and I was very blunt about it but I still loved her. So what I did was, I told her she couldNEVER discuss her relationship issues with me or ask for advice or even tell me she was going to hang out with him or any of that but I still kept my friend because I already knew that he was eventually going to break her heart which he did. The guy and his fiance’s prewedding shoot was on bellanaija sef….LMAO.
    When she came crying to me, I was still there for her cos she is my bestfriend, she made a bad decision but I am not going to throw the whole friendship away. That was how I handled mine. I did not break up with her but I made it clear I wanted NO part in it. There was a day that the cab she went to see him with broke down and this was in the night, she couldn’t even call me to tell me. it was after the breakup she was now telling me.
    In conclusion, I made this decision cos I love her and I knew it was just a bad decision and not a habitual thing.

    • mimi

      February 5, 2018 at 4:14 pm

      Exactly!! I would never throw away 8 years of friendship because of a bad decision another person made that doesn’t affect me. Except your friend also secretly had a thing for this guy o, I honestly can’t understand the break up.

    • californiabawlar

      February 5, 2018 at 4:41 pm

      Exactly, limit connoted that you were a habitual side chick and she was finally done. But I definitely agree, friendships as with all love relationships have their limits. Even with family, if the relationship gets too toxic, you are advised to give some distance.

      Maybe said friend had been hurt in the past by a side chick situation? Cos her decision felt so drastic and harsh.

    • Abi

      February 5, 2018 at 9:51 pm

      The Ndidi person does not have love in her heart. Love empathises, values and forgives. She judged and abandoned her ‘friend’ at a time when her friendship was tested. Lota, you absolutely did not owe her your mistakes. She was a very useless friend.

  2. Tasmea

    February 5, 2018 at 3:16 pm

    I almost broke up with a friend of mine some few weeks back, lol! She kept on cancelling our meet ups and she wont return my calls anytime and I called a ton of times. I just thought to myself and said this girl doesnt want to see you and she’s avoiding you so why are you forcing it? I sent her a long text about how we had a nice friendship but I can’t continuously keep forcing it. It was a crazy break up!?? she didnt text me for a while and it hurt me so much. We have been through quite a lot together! A few days back she texted and explained what she had been going through et al. I felt so bad. I love her to the moon and back. Anyway we are in the process of rekindling our friendship?. Break ups come in different shapes and forms. The one thing they all share though is that they hurt!

  3. Nana

    February 5, 2018 at 3:49 pm

    This speaks to me. I recently ‘broke up’ with a close friend I’ve had since adolescence. At first, I could tolerate the things that led me to end our friendship. But the older we got (we’re both in our thirties), the more I just couldn’t bear them anymore. She spends way too much time talking about men, marriage and relationships in general. It got to a point where I felt as if she had no other interest or purpose in life. Then she turned into a monitoring spirit. For some strange reason, she suddenly always wanted to know what I was doing and if I’d as much as said ‘Hi’ to a prospective love interest. She became extremely ‘curious’ about my finances and began to offer unsolicited advice about travel destinations, car choices, whatever. If she wasn’t asking why I didn’t smile at men, she was asking why I had so many shoes. I found her to be increasingly shallow – with retrograde ideas about women and gender to boot. I stopped confiding in her because I began to loathe her illogical sense of entitlement. Slowly and surely, I realised that I didn’t miss her or think about her when I wasn’t with her. That was the moment I knew our friendship was over. It wasn’t an easy choice to make, but it gave me my much-needed well-being and peace of mind. I wish her well as she moves on.

    • Abi

      February 5, 2018 at 9:56 pm

      Where is the love?!!!!! Are you perfect?
      This is why men will ALWAYS have and maintain strong life long bonds. A dude will stay friends with the most degenerate of his friends because that’s his guy.
      A friend you’ve had since adolescence you can cut out of your life for the shallow (on your part btw) arrogant, self edifying reasons you listed but a guy that treats you like dirt you’ll stay with. Smh, scheeeew, yimu etc

    • Wendy

      February 6, 2018 at 4:30 am

      @Abi, I’m sorry but I too can’t be friends with that person she described. I have a sister who believes some really backward things about gender and gender roles, I pretty much have zero respect for her intellect… if she weren’t my sister we definitely won’t be friends. Nope.

  4. californiabawlar

    February 5, 2018 at 4:07 pm

    Hey guys! Do you listen to a podcast called Dear Sugars? There was a really great episode on friendships a few months back. I’ll recommend the podcast for all life issues in general 🙂
    Being ghosted by a friend of almost 10 years really hurt me. We had a mini disagreement on my birthday and she never reached back out. I refused to make the first move because she has done this to several friends in the past and they always came back begging. I really miss her but I feel like going back to her would only encourage her borderline abusive passive-aggressive nature. Maybe I don’t miss her as much as I miss the companionship which was great for the most part. Sigh… I need closure.

    • Abi

      February 5, 2018 at 9:59 pm

      Are you a Christian? Remember what Christ said on the cross?
      It’s not closure you need. It’s love, love, love!!! It keeps no record of wrongs.

  5. Yellow sun

    February 5, 2018 at 4:30 pm

    Lola that wasnt a friend abeg..
    Limit kor limit ni…im a ride or die a beg…if I don’t support it..i will bully u till u see things my way…
    But I will never leave a good friend because of what she has done ..where is the love and forgiveness…

    • annie

      February 5, 2018 at 5:15 pm

      I don’t blame her for leaving that friendship. A lot of people it seems, dont have limits. Next thing it will be her own husband that one will come after. Thats how it starts.

  6. Ezinne

    February 5, 2018 at 4:58 pm

    I’ve broken up with a close friend too. She just started sleeping around. Married men, different guys, all sorts! I just couldn’t handle it and she wouldn’t listen. She felt like she was doing the right thing and started having friends that had her same mindset. So I started avoiding her till we became strangers.

    I’m a strong believer in having the right people around me. People going towards the same direction as I am. People that lift you up and lift up your spirit and not bring you down.

    So, I don’t blame your friend.

    • Abi

      February 5, 2018 at 10:02 pm

      So many comments here by women who are actually very bad friends trying to justify their mean characters.

  7. Anon pon this one

    February 5, 2018 at 6:31 pm

    Help me out please, my conscience will not let me be great. I am of the Opinion that a true friend will always have your back no matter what. So i have been feeling bad about breaking up with a girl friend. Everything was fine between us, we would regularly call each other to gist for long hours, but i noticed she began to withdraw when i told her i was getting married, i asked her to be my maid of honor (as was expected ofcourse) she agreed, but just a month to the wedding, she called to tell me she couldnt, my heart made gbim!..i was so hurt but i played it cool and asked her why, she said she was too shy..ahn! Ahn! Hanty but it is not about you na. I let it go and asked another friend who was thrilled and said yes even though she was miles away..i asked this girlfriend if she would still consider being part of my aso ebi, hanty said yes and made transfer for the aso ebi fabric..when the vendor in charge of dispatching the aso ebi reached out to her, she wouldnt cooperate, the vendor would call me and rant, complaining that my friend has refused to pick her calls, i would apologize and call my girl friend. Girl friend would pick up my calls and promise to call the vendor; this stretched on for about 2 weeks. I called the vendor to dispatch her fabric to me. I picked up her fabric and delivered it to her house. At this point, my cup of tolerance had run over, i was done.. Finally the week of the wedding, girl friend called to say she wouldnt be coming as she had things to do..Aye mi temi bami..after the wedding i blocked her on all social media platforms and mobile network..sometimes i feel i over reacted..my wedding was an eye opener, many of my friends withdrew the moment i said i was getting married..but why many of these so called friends did that to me is still mind boggling..Honestly i am the kind of friend that would ride or die with a real G..i cried after the wedding, but i am grateful for the discoveries.

    • Tasmea

      February 6, 2018 at 1:40 am

      Call your friends and talk to them! They might have noticed a change in your character, they might want to withdraw before the Nigerian married woman syndrome overtakes you and makes them feel terrible, they might also think you guys shouldn’t relate like that. It might also be personal to them .i.e. they feel left behind and being around you would be a constant reminder. Anyways please call them. Open up and tell your friend how much you love and want them in your lives( if you really do) tell them you want their children to call you aunty and vice versa. I can see how she might be reluctant to be your bridesmaid especially if your wedding was in Nigeria. The comparison et al can really get to somebody and she might want to avoid all that especially if you guys have the same circle of friends. If they were good friends they would tell you whats up and your friendship can be solid again. I love my friends oo. They are few both I really care for them. I tell my mum, husband, men, partner etc I don’t care for and I can do without but my friends and siblings I don’t joke with

    • Mawi

      February 6, 2018 at 11:17 am

      @ Anon pon this one
      Please talk to ur friend. From ur narrative, I think u over reacted. It doesn’t sound like she did anything wrong, only being withdrawn. It is possible she felt she was losing a friend to marriage or feels like ur life is taking off while she’s left behind. It’s also possible she’s going thru a difficult time in her personal life e.g. a break-up/bad relationship, or any other hard stuff causing her to compare her life to urs. It doesn’t mean she’s jealous, but sometimes when things aren’t going our way, we feel insecure and self pity especially when others close to us seem to be doing better.
      Trust me I have zero tolerance for disrespect, but ur case doesn’t sound like one of those. Please reach out to her. U may be surprised what was going on with her. I speak from personal experience. Luckily for me, my friend reached out to me afterwards and understood after I told her all the challenges I had which made me so withdrawn and depressed. We are now closer than ever.

      My point is, before u throw out a friend, be certain of the the reasons why. Don’t be so quick to condemn. We all make mistakes sometimes, including u.

  8. Ms Lala

    February 5, 2018 at 6:41 pm

    Sometimes a relationship gets so toxic and you can’t ask yourself how the friendship spiraled into a messy situation. I got tired of cleaning up her mess. The worst part was just talking smack about others and then smiling and praising them on social media.

    The two faced behavior was scary and just confusing. Yellow sun said ride or die. what if that friend isn’t riding or dying for you and its a one sided relationship? You eventually have to pull the plug and not die of stress.

  9. Tatafo!

    February 5, 2018 at 7:11 pm

    Like others have said, Ndidi should have been there for you and not end the friendship with you unless there was something else that maybe you are not quite aware of. At the end of the day, who is for you will be for you.

    I do hope your friendship with Ndidi can be rekindled someday.

  10. Engoz

    February 5, 2018 at 10:15 pm

    Nice reading you all experiences but I have never felt this way about a friend before, lol. I mean I contribute when it’s time for bridal/baby shower, wedding, (what else do girls do again-I’m always involved one way or the other), but for me to be your texting or call buddy and then dump your relationship woes on me, ain’t gonna happen, lol. My friendships never ever graduate to that point other than texting you birthday wishes or liking your comment on facebook. When we see, we see, when we don’t see, we don’t see. I think one of my special gifts is keeping people at a distance. lol.

  11. Macho!

    February 5, 2018 at 11:58 pm

    I had to break up with a friend too. This guy has great great brain and our friendship was just somehow. We did yahoo together in school and made so much money together and then we had to leave naija to pursue the next big thing. I was worth liquid cash of about $250k when I left and I know he was worth even double.

    He got into Texas and just won’t stop fraud. I preached and preached but he wouldn’t listen. This is someone that had Snapchat like idea even before Snapchat and that’s just one of his many many brilliant ideas. I sat with him one day and begged him, told him we could get a financial advisor or even start a VC coy which is hot cake right now afterall he had the cash and properties he could even use to loan money in naija but boy wasn’t ready to leave fraud and I just had to ‘break up’ before he will kobalise me. I still miss our hanging out and stuffs but I can’t go on with him. That’s how we will be hanging out together one day and FBI will come and arrest him and arrest me too in the process.

    We even had special language we developed to gossip about people beside us gan gan and the person wouldn’t know and now our ‘language’ is wasted as there’s no one to speak it with.

    • aj

      February 8, 2018 at 10:10 am

      lol wow!!! you made a wise decision to leave by the way!

  12. Ej

    February 6, 2018 at 6:40 am

    I recently broke up with a friend of 4 to 5 years I miss her but mehn she had to go too many unmatured stuff plus always saying awful things about me to new friends which were in the past. Her cousin even confirmed it

  13. The real dee

    February 6, 2018 at 9:26 am

    When your friendship becomes toxic, you better dump ride/ die and move on fast. I’ve been there, done that and I realised that the best friendships I’ve had and now have are those where I didn’t carry the friendship on my head like gala, like Engoz wrote, when we see, we see, when we talk, we talk.
    If you want to give me trouble, i’ll just swerve. BEFORE, I used to be the ‘be at your beck and call’, ‘apologize for not being able to get the world for you’, ‘go out of my way to do stuff for you because I value the friendship’ kinda person BUT when some close friends showed me pepper, I had to give myself a resetting slap.

    I’ve had a close friend ghost on me for no reason though and it was at a time when I was so emotionally fragile, I cried and worried so much but I later found out she was only pretending to be my friend, she had a deep seated hatred for me.I was grateful she left on her own when I found out the truth o, chai only God knows what she may have done to me.

  14. Slimgirl

    February 7, 2018 at 9:40 am

    My friend broke up with me about 4-5 years ago because I couldn’t make it for her wedding. We were really close and I love(d) her to death. I had planned to attend the wedding and bought all the aso-ebis, supported her through the planning process etc. The wedding was outside Lagos where we both resided. At the time, I had a very shitty job which took all my time and weekend work was the norm. She knew this as i always complained about my job to her. I tried to get Friday off so i could travel for the wedding and I wasn’t able to get the day off as I was the only one on my desk and we had lots of projects at the time. I explained to her that i couldn’t make the engagement but i would try to get there the day of the wedding. Alas, I also had to work on the day of the wedding and couldn’t make it. I called her to explain and she got so upset and wouldn’t listen to my explanation. That was our last conversation ever. She never picked my calls or responded to my messages. After a while, I stopped trying. I still miss her sometimes, even years after and whenever I see a picture of her anywhere I never fail to feel bad as we are missing out on each other’s lives. That was one breakup that hurt and still hurts me. I got over male breakups but I have not gotten over this break up.

    • ballingbola

      February 7, 2018 at 1:00 pm

      please move on girl,you didnt do anything wrong.Your friend is so selfish and inconsiderate,so she would rather you lose your job because of wedding abi,she try

  15. Liz Bennet

    February 7, 2018 at 12:51 pm

    I had some legal issues and got my friend of over 25 years to help me as he’s a lawyer. We had gone through thick and thin, our families were close and I considered him my brother. I paid the guy 100% of his fees (he did give me a good discount) upfront and without hesitation. Suddenly, he stopped picking my calls or replying to messages I sent him. This went on for almost 8 months until I sent him a message telling him our friendship was over and he was free to keep the money. I had reached my limit. He called me two days later to apologise which I accepted but I’ve decided that if he cannot deliver on our deal, I’m ready to throw away the 25 years of friendship and write-off the money I paid him.

  16. Avid

    February 7, 2018 at 3:40 pm

    I wish I could break up with my sister… the negativity is unbearable but we are family *sigh*

  17. Abi

    February 8, 2018 at 1:49 am

    Avid, your sister could be in pain. Or you may not be acting right. Either way, love always wins. Embarrass her with selfless love. And watch how your relationship evolves.

  18. Madam YHP

    February 8, 2018 at 4:54 pm

    I broke up with a friend too. The emotional trauma was too much. She acted like i was her boyfriend and would fight with me over the most trivial issues. After one major incidence, i had to call things off.
    We are cool now, but we can’t be all that close again.

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