Busola Adedire: Finding Love Through the Friend Zone

One of my favourite songs till date is Show Dem Camp/BOJ’s Feel Alright. I particularly like the part where Ghost says love and laughter is always a winning mixture. I took this statement and literally made it the soundtrack of my life.

After my second heartbreak, I managed to convince myself that better is a love story that develops gradually, than one of intense passion. Friendship is everything that romantic love isn’t, and that sabotages it. I like the idea of being friends before lover realistically, it is difficult to execute. If you doubt me, ask anyone who have been relegated to the friend zone.

I must say I have friendzoned people many times in my life, but I never understood what the victims felt till it happened to me. In that particular situation I kept remembering a piece of advice given to me ‘Don’t let a man be friends with you, else they won’t take you seriously’. If only it was that easy. I was too deep in the zone ?

Human beings are really interesting and love involves a plethora mix of attraction and chemistry. Most people will choose attraction first and look for chemistry later. From my self taught psychology sessions, the reason why friendship sabotages romantic love is related to the chase-reward system. We love things that present as ‘unattainable’. I read that the best relationships are the ones where both partners have learnt to balance ‘availability’ with ‘neglect’, but this is a conversation for another day.

What makes the friend zone a rather ambiguous place to be is that you often don’t know how to accept this said ‘friendship’. If the dynamics are lopsided, it is better not to be friends at all. However, we are human beings and we are extremely hopeful creatures so, some people accept the friendship.

The other day I read a comment on Quora that gave an insight to the distinction between friends and lovers. It says ‘Someone who make a great friend won’t necessarily make a great partner.

Things I look for in a friend:

Someone unique, easygoing and a fun spirit. Humorous and intelligent. Interesting to be around. Someone with passion and cool hobbies, someone I can learn from and share my ideas with.

Things I look for in a partner:

Religious values, morality, family values, financial stability, ability to make the correct decisions, ability to handle conflict with maturity, honesty and dedication, monogamy and commitment. Understanding and accepting of me, cares a lot about me and will never deliberately harm me physically, emotionally or any other way.

Now at this point you’ll say ‘A partner should be both!’ and indeed it would be great to have both. But the requirements for a partner are more important and non-negotiable to me, and very different from what I look for in a friend.

While I really don’t understand the transition from friends to lovers, neither have I experienced it. I do know it is a possibility. If you are one of those who would accept the friendship of an unrequited love, do so without expecting them to change their mind.

Let us use this article as a wailing wall. Have you ever been stuck in the friend zone? Did you get out of it? Perhaps you found love through the friend zone. Please share your experiences in the comment section below.
Love and light to you all. xx

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