Oluwadunsin Deinde-Sanya: When You Find Them All

This is 5:39a.m, and I am swimming in thoughts.

I have listened to Adekunle Gold‘s Ire over hundred times, but my earphone are plugged in again. I am nodding my head to the lyrics of the song, and practising a choreography in my head. I am shooting a video for the song in my mind. I am seeing a group of 6 people – 3 ladies and 3 men. They are dancing in Yoruba attires; swaying their hips and legs, with smiles on their faces. I am one of the dancers.

I am seeing so many things; the song seems to be opening the lids of my heart.

I am seeing the bigger picture.

I did not want to write this, but these emotions are too strong. Writing calls me; it keeps me awake when the sky is blackened, when my ancestors are sleeping peacefully in their graves. Writing whispers to me when the night owls have gone to rest their old limbs. Writing tells me this pen is a blessed curse, it is heavy and can only get light when the world hears my thoughts.

And so I am writing.

I am thinking of an average Nigerian youth; the struggles we go through while growing up. I am thinking of our journey in life. Some of us move like headless chickens, without a sense of direction. We hit all the walls and rocks. We are restless – wanting to do all things, just in case one of them will lead us to Canaan. 

I am thinking of the gala seller I saw last year August; he is a mechanic now. In January, he was selling soft drinks. He is uncertain of about life; laying his hands on so many things – just in case one hustle would blow.

Now I am screaming in my head: why can’t we know what we’ll be in the future? At least, we’ll be saved from beating about the bush. When we know, at least we’ll just take the straight route, move towards our future.. without hitting too many rocks, or moving in circles. At least if I knew I’d become a writer, I wouldn’t waste my time farming snails. If I knew I’d be an artist, I wouldn’t have studied engineering.

I have too many questions rumbling in my belly; they are gushing out my heart like loud farts.

Sshh, quiet.

This thought strolls in like a bringer of peace. It says to me “the day you know your future, is the day you become God.” And for the first time in many years, my restless thoughts bow; their thirst a little satiated.

Have you ever known what you wanted to be in future? Are you where you want to be? Have you figured it all out? For me, the answer is no.

I was that child who never knew what she wanted to be in future. From wanting to be a neurosurgeon to an astronomer, then an archaeologist, to many other things that I can’t remember. It’s so odd that writing stared at me right from when I was little; it sat patiently, waiting for the prodigal daughter to be back home – I am back, mother. But I am not fully back. Fear of the unknown and uncertainty still clouds my eyes and heart.

Ah, uncertainty. This is what buckles the knees of so many youths. We think and think of a particular idea, wanting to be totally sure, and then in the process of overthinking, fear comes and whispers “don’t, little one, don’t – you’re not ready yet.”

Baby, don’t listen to it, this voice would torment you and call you little one for the next ten years. You would not grow, because you are seeing yourself as too little – not in age, but in intelligence and ability.

This article is not for those who have figured it all out, or those who have always known what they wanted and gone for it, (before y’all come and start chanting ‘aspire to inspire to acquire’ or whatever.) This is for people like me, who are so seeking for this inner fulfilment and are trying to untangle and understand so many things in life. This is for those of us who have so many questions playing ten-ten in our little bellies.

So, maybe you are meant to be to be a sculptor and you think you are wasting your time doing all other things? Don’t feel bad. All these things are just preparing you for tomorrow. You need to clear the bushes if you want to pass a smooth road, free of snakes.

I am still figuring what this thing called life is. I am still wondering how my future will be; I know you are too. So, I shall tell you what my mind whispers to my soul. It says “you cannot know the future baby, the day you know it, is the day you become God.” So I am quiet.

But before the future comes, let me tell you this: the future cannot be placed in your hands when they are still feeble. You might tremble, let it fall and crumble. The reason why you lay your hands on so many things is so you’ll garner enough skills and experiences.

Life would teach you when you experience it, and the future would not come when you haven’t experienced life – when you are not ready, because you wouldn’t give eba to a new born baby. So, no matter what you do or what life throws at you, just keep moving forward – it doesn’t matter how little or big the steps you take are – learn, get stronger, get bolder.

Life has a wall clock, and life would always be punctual. Don’t be scared, the future will surely come – when the right time comes. You will make money, you will become great, you will find love. You will find them all – all what you crave.

I am still listening to Ire, and I am saying Adekunle Gold’s prayers: that I return home, that I shall not just be an escort to other people in this world, that I shall not become useless.

This is what the future says to you; come back home baby, come back. Home beckons; home is within you and within you lays the goodness and peace you so crave. You are the future; and the world awaits your entry.

P.S – When you find them all, please pull a brother up. The world only becomes better when we practice empathy and make others rise with us.

This is straight from the heart, from me to you. Love.

It is now 7:22. My ink dries up.

Photo Credit: © Mikedesign | Dreamstime.com