Connect with us

Features

Muslimah’s Voice: Letter to My Newly Married Muslimah Sister

Published

 on

Sallam Alaykum, Iyawo Olele! Nwunye! Matar! Wifey! Congratulations on your nuptials. Barakallhu fihi. I really enjoyed the Nikkai and traditional ceremony. The colors of the headtie were so bright, I was contemplating wearing shades. The spices in the ayamase really gingered me.

On a serious note, I had so much fun at the ceremony. May Allah bless your home and make everything easy for you. I would like to welcome you to the school with no graduation. Marriage is a black box where only Allah knows which way things might go. I wish you the very best. I would like to drop a few lines of wisdom.

Marriage is a mesh of lives, bodies, ideology, family, and faith. Two individually minded people coming together to live in harmony. It calls for tolerance, diplomacy, and wisdom. During courtship, decisions can be made with zero consideration for others, forwardness, and no tact. In marriage, everything has to be done with wisdom and tact. Your prayer point should always be, “May Allah grant me the wisdom to make good decisions at all times.” Openness and communication should always be your watchword. The warm, fuzzy, lovey-dovey feeling you are having now is from a chapter in Mills & Boons novel. When reality sets in, love needs to be a choice. You need to make a choice to continue loving your man. Marriage was designed by the Almighty so both of you might take comfort in each other and dwell in love and mercy.

Marriage is an unequal partnership where both of you have a stake in the business but your husband has a higher percentage. You need to submit to one another but due to your husband being appointed as the head by the Almighty, he takes charge of most decisions. Submission is great but you should understand that no imperfect human deserves total submission. Total submission belongs only to Allah. You must apply wisdom when decisions are made out of greed, spite, and ignorance. Submit but don’t be stupid. Never lose your individuality in marriage. Remember there was a reason your husband wanted you in the first place. You were something before he married you; he would probably not have wanted you if you were nothing. Don’t lose that something. Go out with your friends and let him hang out with the boys. Don’t suffocate each other.

The first year is the unstable year. It’s the year where honeymoon behavior and the pretense wears off. It’s the period when both of you are trying to find equilibrium. This is the time for openness and truthfulness. This is to correct any habit that you don’t want to be stuck with for the rest of your lives. If you observe something and it’s not something you can live with, this is the time to speak up so there would be a compromise on both sides. If it’s something little, you can let it slide because your ability to pick your battles would determine the longevity or how drama-free your marriage would be. Nobody is perfect so don’t expect perfection from him. Remember you are not a superwoman, don’t overdo or overwork to avoid looking haggard. Make sure you encourage your husband to assist you with chores.

I would like to talk about your husband’s friends. Remember, they were the ones that were present when you both met. They were present when he was toasting you. They were present when he proposed. They were also there for the traditional ceremony prostrating for your hand in marriage. I want you to remember these friends role and accord them their respect. Don’t assume that because you have the ring, his friends are now bad influences. Severing his ties with his friend doesn’t prevent your husband from cheating, if he is the greedy type. Only him can decide what the wedding vows mean to him. Let him breathe and hang out with the boys. Let his conscience and Allah judge him.

Please please, please! Never belittle your parents and siblings in front of your husband. Remember you set the tone. It’s how you present them he would treat them. Let him understand that your parents are untouchable and non-negotiable. Just because you are married doesn’t mean they stop being your responsibility. The holy book is firm on the importance of taking care of our parents. His parents and siblings must also be accorded with a certain degree of respect. Please don’t do eye service. Whatever is not sustainable must not be initiated. What you won’t do to your parents, don’t do to them. If they offend you, let your husband handle the matter. If he doesn’t handle it appropriately, apply wisdom in handling it. If his family has issues, let them handle it by themselves. Even if you want to help, it must be done through your husband. Becoming Olivia Pope can reduce the longevity of your marriage. Tread carefully.

Let’s get on this cheating topic. Please! Please! Please! Never set the very low bar for your husband because to whom much is given, so much more should be expected. Please hold him accountable for any bad behavior. Don’t let him get away with everything because you are trying to keep a home. The home can only be kept if both parties involved make the decision to keep it. You can only do your best. Don’t become monitoring spirit by trailing him all over the place to discourage other women from pouncing in. Only him can make that decision. Please never belittle yourself by begging or harassing the other women to leave your husband. Your business is with him and not the lady.

I am a firm believer in not publicly exposing your husband’s weaknesses. The holy book explains how you are both garments for shielding one another. Issues should be discussed and managed between the both of you. There are certain exceptions to this garment rule. For example, a case of negligence, domestic violence, or any issue where you have reached your upper limit. Do not ever use anyone’s tolerance or limit to gauge yours. When your limits are beginning to stretch, please reach out to a fair-minded person, either a neutral knowledgeable imam or counselor. It should only get to the parents when the neutral authorities fail. Disagreements are inevitable but how you handle them would determine the longevity of your marriage. Fight fair. Address issues and not the individuals. Remember that words should be weighed carefully because they can never be withdrawn after delivery. I also recommend the 24 hours no malice rule. All issues must be discussed and settled before the start of a next day. Malice festers into hatred and bitterness, which destroys the home.

If he mistakenly (because no sane person should abuse another) physically, emotionally or mentally abuses you, please address immediately. There is no excuse for any form of domestic violence. Our Noble Prophet was never reported to have abused any of his wives. Contact your brothers or me so we can put the fear of Allah in him so it never repeats itself. Never let it slide. Once a man tastes that side of power, he gets intoxicated. I would also appeal to you to keep your hands to yourself and don’t do what you wouldn’t want to be done to you. Please be content with whatever your husband gives you. If you ever feel it’s not enough, communicate your needs to him.

I don’t need to discuss conjugal rights because I am sure mama already took care of that. I cannot stress enough the need to pray and channel your prayer point the right way. Pray to Allah because he is only one that sees all and only Allah can make changes to what is already written. Please remember to always respect Allah, respect the institution called marriage, respect your husband, and respect yourself. May Allah make you and your husband friends forever.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Muslimah’s Voice (muslimahsvoice.com) was created to educate, uplift and inspire and enlighten women especially muslim women about their rights according to the Holy book. Many Muslim women especially in Nigeria are oppressed due to wrong interpretations of the scripture. This blog was created to discuss difficult and controversial topics plaguing women and the scripture's perspective.

18 Comments

  1. woman

    January 18, 2019 at 5:02 pm

    …he sure has the higher advantage!

    2
  2. Adeniji Adesola Ademuyiwa.

    January 19, 2019 at 1:58 pm

    Beautiful! It is a complete lesson package.

  3. Kosi

    January 19, 2019 at 2:07 pm

    Yet another article advising women about marriage! Please advice men too! I’m sick of it.

    • Ruqiat

      January 20, 2019 at 12:20 pm

      Thanks for reading. Dont worry, we would get to the male’s part soon.

    • Adeniji Adesola Ademuyiwa

      January 21, 2019 at 1:25 pm

      Lol! Stay tuned. Coming soon…..

  4. RSB

    January 19, 2019 at 2:15 pm

    Jazakhillah khairan to BN for posting

  5. YS

    January 19, 2019 at 10:59 pm

    Lovely write up and good points to note.

  6. Ismail

    January 20, 2019 at 10:37 am

    nice article and on point. keep it up
    just to add that couple should encourage each other spiritually which is a big factor in strengthening ones conscience.

    • Ruqiat

      January 21, 2019 at 11:39 am

      Yes, spirituality is a big factor. I would add that in the future. Thank you.

  7. I’m just saying

    January 20, 2019 at 1:30 pm

    I don’t mean to be cynical but can a Muslim man (who by the holy book is allowed 4 wives), truly be said to cheat on his wife? If he’s gonna marry other wives he will date them too no before marriage, no?

    • Ruqiat

      January 21, 2019 at 11:17 am

      Yes he can cheat on his wife. The Quran put different guidelines on how the courtship should go. When one diverts, then it’s a sin. A man cannot be testing and sampling women because he is searching for extra wives. A man shouldnt be having intercourse until he has already married her. Yes, there is cheating in islam. Islam is a complete way of life.

  8. Kizito Kanu

    January 20, 2019 at 9:09 pm

    Quick question; are muslim women supposed to be talking about cheating and being cheated on? Your religion permits polygamy to the tune of four whole wives to one man. Isn’t it by courting those other women on the side that your husbands get to know them better then marry them eventually? At what point do you call it cheating, are you even entitled to feeling cheated on as polygamy is the way for y’-‘all? I’m asking honestly, hoping for an explanatory answer. I’ve had this question since that Muslim wife stabbed her husband to death for allegedly having a woman on the side. Even more baffling is the story of the wife being a side piece herself till the point her husband divorced his first wife to marry her. Honest and insightful answers are very welcome, I need this thing to be demystified for me.

    • Ruqiat

      January 21, 2019 at 11:37 am

      Yes, there can be cheating. Islam has guideline for everything. Once one diverts from the guideline, it’s an issue. Islam permit marrying 4wives as long as the prequisite are met which are emotional and financial maturity as well as ability to be fair to all. Marrying 4wives is not an obligation. Islam doesnt encourage premarital sex and sampling women around all in the name of seeking multiples. A woman can feel cheated if her husband starts keeping late night and sleeping around (adultery) all in the name of searching for another wife. This is called zina in the Quran and frowned up. Islam believes in marrying them before exercising conjugal and emotional rights. As I said early, one of the key conditions for polygamy is been JUST. If a man is truly just and follows the guideline as stipulated, most women wouldnt feel cheated. Most men dont understand the huge responsibility that polygamy comes with. Thanks for reading.

  9. Adeniji Adesola Ademuyiwa

    January 21, 2019 at 1:33 pm

    Ruqiat, thanks for your brilliant submission. It’s succinct and apt! Yes! Islam permits polygamy does not necessarily translates to it endorsing adultery. There are ways to go about Halal ” dating in Islam “

  10. I’m just saying

    January 22, 2019 at 7:41 am

    Okay so husband can go ahead and bring in his 2nd, 3rd and 4th wife as long as he doesn’t have sex with them before the marriage, that’s okay. Nice to know.

    • Ruqiat

      January 22, 2019 at 4:49 pm

      Dont get me wrong. Conjugal rights are not requirement for polygamy. Financial and mental capability as well as being fair to all is the prequisite

  11. 4 wives

    January 22, 2019 at 7:43 am

    Most women would not feel bad if her husband treats her with the same love he treats 3 others? Joke of the millennia

  12. mamacita

    April 15, 2019 at 5:22 pm

    hmmm

    1

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Star Features

Advertisement
css.php