Mateen ‘Korede Taomu: Letter to My Son Battling Porn Addiction

Hello Son,

It has been over a decade since your biological father, my good friend, left this world. I promised him I would make sure I saw you through school.

I know it was hard losing him while you were still healing from your mum’s death as a teenager. Words can’t describe the pain someone feels, losing one parent, not to talk of two. You have surmounted some of life’s challenges, and now you’re a grown man starting another phase of life.

I am glad you reached out to me about your situation. You have a good job and are married, but a skeleton you thought was buried with the past has now been unearthed. It’s a delicate and sensitive topic, so I will have to be surgical with my responses. It must have taken a lot from you to ask me, “How can I be free from porn addiction?” Because it’s affecting your marriage. As you read on, be very attentive, because this requires your total focus.

In Africa, it’s rare for parents to talk to kids about sex. They avoid the topic. It’s like a See no evil, hear no evil mindset. I ask my peers who avoid speaking to their kids about sex how they expect them to get the information. If you, as a parent, don’t teach your kids about sex, they will learn it from another source. How do we know these things without being taught? The myth of ladies speaking to a boy and getting pregnant can’t be believed by this generation. With a google search, users can get several resources on the subject.

I learnt about sex from my classmates in Form 3, back in the mid 70s. They planted a seed in me and it grew for years into a mighty tree. I was addicted to porn for over a decade. It plagued me for so many years. I was 12 when I started watching porn. I consumed so much that I had to watch it before I ate. I spent all the money my parents gave me for school to buy raunchy magazines (since the internet was not invented). Money for food and clothing was used to satisfy my desire. I had uncles who bought Playboy magazines and hid it in their rooms. I would sneak in when they weren’t in, consume it till I masturbated.

Let’s get something clear: Sex is not evil. You know this being a married man. What is evil is the abnormal use of it. Secondly, sexual urges are not bad. It is part of your biological make up. See it the same way as hunger. You want to get something to eat, but you don’t go around to steal trying to satisfy your hunger. So also, you don’t go around trying to “sort” yourself. A quick fix might result to a lifetime damage. It’s necessary to share my story so you know I understand where you are coming from.

My boy, let no one lie to you, porn is a monster disguised with pseudo beauty. It has wrecked homes and destroyed lives. So here are the five things to note on the road to freedom.

Porn is not real
It was hard for me to accept this. Porn scenes are scripted. Lights, camera, action, but many don’t know this. Most of what happens in porn doesn’t happen in real life. It’s all fantasy.

Imagine watching a movie with the main actor beating up seven guys with a broom stick, then you go and attempt it in real life. You won’t like the outcome. This is the same as porn. The excuse most people give is that “it is to understand sex better.”

It’s like trying to learn how to drive by using a console. It doesn’t work. You are setting yourself up for a big fall. Porn is a business venture. Sales of services and products. With the internet, porn can be accessed anywhere and anytime. No matter how vivid what you see, know it is all scripted. These guys know how the mind work, and they keep offering people different forms of fantasy. It could be the bending over of a teacher without underwear, or someone delivering pizza in revealing attire. Their imagination knows no limit. In the same manner you have the entertainment and sports industry, there is the porn industry.

You might ask, “What do they sell?” Their service is an experience, and the product is sex enhancement drugs, webcam videos (meet your favorite star) all in the bid for you to spend. The more you watch, the more it changes the way you see sex. He who tries to replicate what is on the screen will always be disappointed.

Men and women are not wired the same
Porn scenes are misleading. You see a man gazing at a woman and she responds so quickly like he pressed a switch. It’s all a lie. These ‘actors’ are paid to act out a script and this is far from the truth.

Let me use an analogy to explain a man and woman’s sex life. Men are like sports cars. You can’t drive a Toyota the way you drive a BMW sports car. You can switch on the engine and it’s ready to go. Most men are like that. Most men can get an erection within seconds and climax at the shortest possible time. You can call man “quick and quick.”

For a woman, it’s different. Women are like trains. It takes a while to get a train started. Some couples who will have sex at night might have to agree in the morning or else no business. You can call women “long and long.”

So when quick and quick meets long and long, then there is a problem, because they are wired differently. A woman wants to be touched, handled in a certain way, but men just want to get it over with. Foreplay is very important for women. Not all women moan during sex, so stop expecting your partner to do what you watched.

Now imagine a man who has been exposed to so much porn. He will think women are switches that can be pressed, and instantly they want to get jiggy. Porn will tell you all I have shared is rubbish, because as far as they as concerned, a woman is always ready.

Porn will make you look at your partner differently.

Porn will make you act like a beast.

Porn will make you brutish.

Porn will not teach you about love.

Porn will not teach you how to care for your partner.

Porn will leave you disappointed with what you have.

That’s why some still go and watch porn after sleeping with their wives.

You need friends and confidants
Porn hides behind the shadows by saying, “What would people think if I come out and tell them?” Let people think what they want, all you want now is freedom.

You have done the right thing by coming clean to me. Porn hides behind the shadows. Two emotions run through your heart after watching porn: Self deprecation and disgust. You either hate yourself for falling ,or you think of a means to punish yourself. It’s not a good idea.

On my road to recovery I had friends who I came clean with. I didn’t hide anything. I told them what I did and how I did it. It was necessary. We discussed how we could slay this dreaded monster. For you, you must avoid staying in a dark room all alone, as well as wandering endlessly on the internet.

I wanted to be a man of substance, so we had a group that made us accountable. I shared how I battled it for years and we worked something out. It wasn’t easy, but telling them made me love them more. They came through for me and made sure I stayed connected when I slipped. You need true friends, and not just gist partners. A friend who becomes blood.

Consumption
You become what you behold. You become what you consume. It’s not rocket science. The same way you eat natural food, so does your mind feed. From TV, internet, etc. It’s time to review the quality of the content. Most of the songs and movies you consume are laced with porn imagery. This point will not sit well with a lot of people, but I am not looking for public approval but your deliverance. Review the top ten songs in most countries and listen to the lyrics, watch their videos. You will understand what I mean. Don’t joke with the food of your mind. The mind and heart will determine the trajectory of your life. You need to detox.

Therapy
You will need to speak to a professional. Someone who has an understanding of proper sexual orientation. Beyond having a group, you need someone who has handled situations like this. Whenever you are back in town, let’s meet to discuss, and I will like to introduce you to someone who can help.

It is a marathon and not a sprint. Self-will can’t do the job. Every addict promises to never do it again. You have to expose this monster, and then you will see the light and save your marriage. I love you, my boy. Never believe the lie that freedom is not possible.

Yours Faithfully,
Dad