It’s Not You, It’s Me….Hmm Actually It’s YOU!
Posted on Tuesday, November 10th, 2009 at 8:20 pmBy Bella
Well, let me explain.
Over a week ago, I was reading an article in the UK Daily Mail and the story was about a 40-something year old woman who had been in a relationship for seven years. She described her relationship as stable and loving. She also explained that she and her partner were both financially successful.
When she turned 42, she began yearning for a child. She discussed it with her partner and he didn’t seem too keen.
In her words, ‘My partner insisted he did not want children. Because he was so adamant, I smothered the feelings that were beginning to eat away at me from the inside’
Long story short, he eventually left her.
Years later, in her late 40s, she was miraculously blessed with a child (with her new partner) and then she found out that her ex-partner now also had a child.
In her words, ‘When I heard my ex was going to be a father – yes, the one who swore he did not want children – I would have had to repress a strong urge to rush over and axe him to death had I not had Deia (her daughter) by then’
In other words, it was clear that her partner knew she was not the one and did not want a permanent attachment, in this case – a child. If he hadn’t left, she would have clung on to the seemingly ’stable’ relationship and just withered away. He would have eventually moved on and as she said, the outcome would have been very different. Perhaps even a headline on the nightly news…
It got me thinking. I’m sure you all know the concept of ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’. However, I feel as though that focuses on people who have just met or have been in short term relationships.
How about those in long term relationships. I hear of scenarios all the time that makes me just wonder. Sometimes maybe your partner is telling you something. It might be hard to hear but these clear signs point to the fact that YOU are just not the one.
All real stories.
Scenario 1
Ebi has been dating Steve for over a year. The relationship is going ‘well’. He takes her out for dinner, they hang out with some of his friends and then he adamantly refuses for them to take any photos together. Facebook is an absolute no no. He wants to be ‘private’. Fair enough but they break up for a few weeks and he is back with his ex-girlfriend and then their photo – all snuggled up is his profile photo on facebook!
What does that say?
Scenario 2
Yemi and Tola have been dating for some years. They met in secondary and dated all through university. Their families know each other and all that. Yemi has gotten pregnant 3 times in the course of their relationship. The first time, it was a mutual decision to terminate the pregnancy. Yemi was traumatized by the experience and promised not to go through that again. She got pregnant again and Tola insisted that she terminate. The third time, they had both graduated and were working so Yemi could not think of any reasons why the couldn’t keep the baby but again Tola insisted. She went under the knife once again. They are still together and yes Tola is a ‘good’ and ‘caring’ boyfriend…
Isn’t Tola trying to tell Yemi something?
Scenario 3
Hauwa and Musa have been dating for 2 years. After a year, he proposed, she accepted but had to move to Dubai because of her job. Since she moved, she has ‘blackouts’. Sometimes for short periods of time (in some cases a couple of days, others as long as 2 weeks), she ignores his calls, doesn’t reply emails etc.. and then she resurfaces. Claiming she was ill or swamped with work. When she’s back, she is the perfect girlfriend. She emails, calls to ask about his day, sends his little gifts etc…but she is evasive about setting a date for the wedding.
Hmmmm
Scenario 4
I have heard this story so many times! Only to be shared once again by someone over the weekend. Kathrine and Nosa have been dating for 8 years. You know those long term couples that everyone knows – they were basically – KathNosa. Nosa always hinted at marriage but never put a ring on it. Instead, he kept ‘advising’ Kathrine on things she should change before he proposed. Guess what, 5 months after they took ‘a break’, Nosa married someone else. Nope he hadn’t been having something with his bride during his relationship. He met her during the break and all fell into place.
There is no clear cut formula for love, relationships and marriage. However, perhaps due to pressure and other factors, it seems as though many cling on to unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships are sometimes glaring (i.e. physical and verbal abuse) but what about when its not so obvious? Many might say, ‘just leave!’ but we all know how hard it is to let go of someone you love. I guess it takes wisdom.
I read a recent interview by Michelle Obama in Glamour Magazine where she said ‘…When you’re dating a man you should always feel good. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t make you completely happy’ ‘…And if you’re in that relationship and you’re dating, then my advice is, don’t get married. Get out of it. And find that person who brings you complete and utter joy with who you are at the moment.’
Will love to hear feedback on this.
By the way, we have an interview with Ekene Agabu which will be published soon. Thanks to Enkay for that!
Photo Credit: Praise DC
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yes o!i agree wit kpakpando,who hasnt bin in dud relationships?my ex-bf was soooo mean,i almost lost my self esteem.on val’s day he told me he was goin to service his car!on another occassion when they had an event in his family,he invited another gf ova,and didnt even glance towards my directn until the gal left..and i was stupid enuf to cont d relatnshp,just cos,am the iyawo dey likd in his house,lol!then he did the worst thing by breakn up with me on fb stylishly,but i kip thankn God,i refused to sleep wit him sha,dt wlda bin worse.
I thank God for giving all of us the 6/7th sense even though most times it takes a lot for us to realise it, trust it and eventually use it.
its really bad when poeple do such things to people, especially when they make them waste a long period of their life with them, the thing is, they who are ‘dumped’ for another person are actually better off without them
wooooWWW!! verry true!
its ol there in 1 sentence. ” He’s Just Not That Into You. when u fall in a situation like dis, dats when u know how strong u r…n a person need straight within em selves 2 b able 2 deal wid things like dat
Prayer and faith in God that whatever decision we make God will direct, that’s the only solution!
Wow!True talk.Us ladies sometimes just love the idea of being in a relationship and often lose ourselves thereby!
Good one, beautiful one, I totally agree with you…..keep it up
Comment by ‘dele.. i feel your pain and this fool will get his own back in time. i like all the comments above and i think honesty and good judgement brought on by prayer is the only way out of the snake’s pit,which am sure every if not all women have once fallen into.
tanx nneka.. i was feeling i could give him sometime to sort out things with her but it’s 8mnths now and counting, it’s a wake up call for me… Tanx bella i’m so burised right now but ‘ll cope anyway.
Hey Neil, i just read ur post very interesting and touching. As Nneka mentioned u might be the 3rd wheel in the situation. Just take some steps back and view the whole thing as a friend telling u her story. Try to do other things to occupy ur mind. Tell him when he decides to sort things out properly with his “EX” he knows the number to call.
I know it’s hard, when he begs and apologizes it feels good but guess what ur back at one again. So please do what u can to make you happy. I know it hurts i have been in something like this before long distance where we fell for each other but he was torn on how to leave his girlfriend and date me. I said dude u have baggage till u figure out what you want u know the number. And he asked me to get pregnant for him…..I said HELL NO….God does not bless by force dating. So please figure urself out…it hurt but I want to be happy and not have him say well u got preggo….He begged me to come back to Nigeria I said that is not the problem. You know the problem is what and where you want to be.
I healed and we talk as friends and I teased him about her, but guess what I heard they had a court wedding. I happy for both of them, she emotionally attached that she over looks his bull shit. If u cannot stand that “EX” this is the time to work on ur emotions and stay sane.
A man that loves, likes and wants to be with you will get rid of his lose ends…….it is well….Prayer is key, this is what I ask God “To remove any man in my life that is not meant to be there” it works but remember God is doing his best for you…becos the real man will come out when God says its time.
Good one…it’s very difficult tho, i’m in a relationship with someone whose ex GF is not ready to leave even tho he told her about us, it kills me inside and rite now i dnt even know wat to do cos i’m helplessly in love with him.Each time i talk abt leaving him he begs me not to cos it’s not his fault that she won’t let him be.
I was getting all sympathetic with u until it hit me: YOU just might be the thrid wheel in this love triangle darling. In either case, a man who can’t ward off the ‘ex’tra females hanging around him is a recipe for disaster. ‘Your’ man’s excuse is sooo old, pay close attention to what you could be missing. You are NOT married to him so you don’t need to put up with this if it bothers you so much. As long as you are unmarried, I never recommend the ‘fight for your man’ nonsense many people succumb to; more especially since it sounds like you two just hit it off recently. Tell him how you feel straight up and if he is really done with her, he’ll do what he needs to do to make your relationship work and keep you feeling secured. But…ehm….don’t be surprised if down the line, he re-hits it off with this ‘ex’-GF and you hear some wedding bells. Like I said, the hard truth is that YOU might be the thrid wheel. Love with sense.
neli, he needs to sort out the ex… and you need to take a stand that he sorts out the ex if you are to continue!!!
Girl, sorry to break this to you… But your man is playing you. Its not that his ex wont leave him alone, its that HE cannot let her go. Bottom line? You are his under-G.. I have to be straight with u girl. Move on…better love next time and remain a BITCH – Babe In Total Control of Herself!