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It’s Not You, It’s Me….Hmm Actually It’s YOU!

BellaNaija.com

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black-couple-holding-handsI bet you are wondering what the title is all about.

Well, let me explain.
Over a week ago, I was reading an article in the UK Daily Mail and the story was about a 40-something year old woman who had been in a relationship for seven years. She described her relationship as stable and loving. She also explained that she and her partner were both financially successful.
When she turned 42, she began yearning for a child. She discussed it with her partner and he didn’t seem too keen.
In her words, ‘My partner insisted he did not want children. Because he was so adamant, I smothered the feelings that were beginning to eat away at me from the inside’
Long story short, he eventually left her.
Years later, in her late 40s, she was miraculously blessed with a child (with her new partner) and then she found out that her ex-partner now also had a child.
In her words, ‘When I heard my ex was going to be a father – yes, the one who swore he did not want children – I would have had to repress a strong urge to rush over and axe him to death had I not had Deia (her daughter) by then’

In other words, it was clear that her partner knew she was not the one and did not want a permanent attachment, in this case – a child. If he hadn’t left, she would have clung on to the seemingly ‘stable’ relationship and just withered away. He would have eventually moved on and as she said, the outcome would have been very different. Perhaps even a headline on the nightly news…

It got me thinking. I’m sure you all know the concept of ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’. However, I feel as though that focuses on people who have just met or have been in short term relationships.

How about those in long term relationships. I hear of scenarios all the time that makes me just wonder. Sometimes maybe your partner is telling you something. It might be hard to hear but these clear signs point to the fact that YOU are just not the one.

All real stories.

Scenario 1
Ebi has been dating Steve for over a year. The relationship is going ‘well’. He takes her out for dinner, they hang out with some of his friends and then he adamantly refuses for them to take any photos together. Facebook is an absolute no no. He wants to be ‘private’. Fair enough but they break up for a few weeks and he is back with his ex-girlfriend and then their photo – all snuggled up is his profile photo on facebook!
What does that say?

Scenario 2
Yemi and Tola have been dating for some years. They met in secondary and dated all through university. Their families know each other and all that. Yemi has gotten pregnant 3 times in the course of their relationship. The first time, it was a mutual decision to terminate the pregnancy. Yemi was traumatized by the experience and promised not to go through that again. She got pregnant again and Tola insisted that she terminate. The third time, they had both graduated and were working so Yemi could not think of any reasons why the couldn’t keep the baby but again Tola insisted. She went under the knife once again. They are still together and yes Tola is a ‘good’ and ‘caring’ boyfriend…
Isn’t Tola trying to tell Yemi something?

Scenario 3
Hauwa and Musa have been dating for 2 years. After a year, he proposed, she accepted but had to move to Dubai because of her job. Since she moved, she has ‘blackouts’. Sometimes for short periods of time (in some cases a couple of days, others as long as 2 weeks), she ignores his calls, doesn’t reply emails etc.. and then she resurfaces. Claiming she was ill or swamped with work. When she’s back, she is the perfect girlfriend. She emails, calls to ask about his day, sends his little gifts etc…but she is evasive about setting a date for the wedding.
Hmmmm

Scenario 4
I have heard this story so many times! Only to be shared once again by someone over the weekend. Kathrine and Nosa have been dating for 8 years. You know those long term couples that everyone knows – they were basically – KathNosa. Nosa always hinted at marriage but never put a ring on it. Instead, he kept ‘advising’ Kathrine on things she should change before he proposed. Guess what, 5 months after they took ‘a break’, Nosa married someone else. Nope he hadn’t been having something with his bride during his relationship. He met her during the break and all fell into place.

There is no clear cut formula for love, relationships and marriage. However, perhaps due to pressure and other factors, it seems as though many cling on to unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships are sometimes glaring (i.e. physical and verbal abuse) but what about when its not so obvious? Many might say, ‘just leave!’ but we all know how hard it is to let go of someone you love. I guess it takes wisdom.
I read a recent interview by Michelle Obama in Glamour Magazine where she said ‘…When you’re dating a man you should always feel good. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t make you completely happy’ ‘…And if you’re in that relationship and you’re dating, then my advice is, don’t get married. Get out of it. And find that person who brings you complete and utter joy with who you are at the moment.’

Will love to hear feedback on this.

By the way, we have an interview with Ekene Agabu which will be published soon. Thanks to Enkay for that!
Photo Credit: Praise DC

42 Comments

  1. Kpakpando

    November 10, 2009 at 9:12 pm

    Michelle’s advice on dating just needs a full stop. Kpom. She hit the nail on the head.

    I’ve never understood professional dating when your heart’s desire is marriage. Why take yourself off the market for 2+ years for someone who hasn’t even expressed real interest in putting you on layaway talk less of making the purchase. Many men will even admit, that if the man hasn’t brought up marriage in the first 12 – 18 months and hasn’t made moves towards bringing that discussion to reality in the following 12 months, he doesn’t want to marry you. Just like men should know, that if a woman really wants to be with them, she never gets too busy to call or not be around him.
    As far as the first scenario, come on, she had blinders on. No man who is proud of his relationship will want it to be on the hush hush. Fine he may not go changing his status on Facebook status immediately, but he’s not going to go out of his way to make sure you keep things private. They’re other signs that she chose to ignore, but maybe she just wanted to have a man or him in particular and that’s why she chose to ignore it.
    I’ve been in dud relationships, who hasn’t? But when I finally accepted that I deserved everything good in life, I began to stop accepting less than I knew I deserved.

    Bella I hope you don’t mind links, but the guy over at ihustlenation has put up several relationship issue videos, but this one in particular has been making rounds. He makes sense.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7BENaDDZlw

  2. wow!

    November 10, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnn

  3. bm

    November 10, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    I rely on tips from my mother and others with successful relationships oh! Many ‘old fashion’ things are really the way to go.

    Its good to apply common sense and read posts like this oh!

    I pray a lot definitely and I just try to fo the right thing like making my long term boo wait until we marry for sex. Hence no pregnancy wahala, or wrath from God!!! Lol!

  4. similar situation

    November 10, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    my ex and i were in a relationship for a year and a half and believe me dat was just a waste of my life!!!! he forgot my birthday and wen i called him at 1 a.m on dat day he asked me if he shd cum ova or if i needed space and i tot 2 myself is… “he was mad or trying to be mad”, can u imagine such a question!!!…. (dis was d 1st case oo), on vals day he sed he doesnt celebrate val and must he show me he loves me by buying me flowers or spending tym with me…. (2nd case oo)… he now went bac 2 naija dis summer jus 4 me to find out dat he was seein his ex… when i confronted him, he sed dey wer “jus frends” and she was d 1 “forcing” herself on him… i dumped his stupid sori ass and 2days later, he went bac 2 his ex. i will NEVA get bac wit him even if a gun is held to my head… but wat i want to ask is why du women go back 2 their vobmit??

  5. Azazel

    November 10, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    Lol scenario 2 is mad funny, if i know somebody who went through that i would slap them..
    Wat kind of extreme muguness is that? Pregnant 3 times? Lmao

  6. bukky

    November 10, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    @ Kpankando tell me about it..i was just nodding and agreeing with everything Michelle said

  7. miss b

    November 10, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    i am exactly in the position of scenario 3, and i always knew something was wrong, I guess I need to re-examine the status quo, its just that sometimes things get so comfortable, you dont want to rock the boat…sigh

  8. Bukola

    November 10, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    Only if you know the one who truly loves you!

  9. Jay

    November 11, 2009 at 12:21 am

    Nice one, Bella. Often it takes someone else to point out the obvious to people in such a situation. God knows it isn’t right to treat others this way.

  10. Agunwanyi

    November 11, 2009 at 5:43 am

    What about this situation: Your spouse loves you, but the passion seems to have disappeared from your end….do u leave or stay?

  11. Aribaba

    November 11, 2009 at 6:18 am

    This is very true… I’ve always believed in if a relationship is bringing you more stress than joy then it’s time to move on. A lot of times we end up clinging on to relationships that have been decaying for a long time because we’re either scared to let go or we’ve made promises to ourselves and sometimes our partner that we don’t want to break.
    I was once in a relationship where i hung unto to it for a long time even though I knew it wasn’t going anywhere… i guess it’s just basically human to not want to let go until u’re absolutely sure.

    Good write up btw.

  12. Aribaba

    November 11, 2009 at 6:25 am

    Dead on! u hit it right on the head there.

  13. Same scenario

    November 11, 2009 at 8:55 am

    mmh i remember one guy i dated. He never came round to visit me at my house, i f i wanted to see him i had to go out clubbing hopign to see him and eventually follow him home. He still made a little bit of an effort until we slept together thsi was just before valentines day and on valentine day he called me to say that he would have sent me flowers but they flower company he called did not deliver. Anyway later that night i went to a concert with some of my friends and guess who walked in, my mystery lover with his ex-girlfriend. At that point i wished teh ground would have opend and wallowed me up. Anyway fast forward to a couple of years, i start dating someone, who proposes to me and then my mystery ex lovert hen suddenly has an epiphany and starts profesing his love for me. Anyway i almost made the stupid mistake again of falling for his fake antics, only to find out that he and his ex got back together once again. Couple of year down the line im happily married but this @%@” still tries to say nonsense to me.

  14. 'dele

    November 11, 2009 at 8:58 am

    hi, this is so true… was in a relationshio for 9 yrs. He was my first and all. We went abroad together and lived together. He came back to good ol naija and it just seemed as as if he changed. Got the shocker of my life when i came back to naija to re-settle as we had both planned and he broke up with me. itv was made even worse cos i had depended on him and went through a really rough time with my mum being ill and family troubles. So it was just so callous cos he knew what i was going thru. No valid reason for the break up just that we had had 2 arguments on the 2 previous occassions he came to visit in england and i am not forgiving as i refused to reconcile with his female [email protected]*! A few months after the break up, he came back apologising, and asking that we get back together, to my eternal shame, i stupidly agreed, 2months after, he just stopped calling, not keeping dates we planned et al. I quickly took the hint and walked. Apparently at the time he came back, he was in a rut, financially and career wise, so i was his fall back girl. In all of this he still owes me money even though he works and at the time i was unemployed! The thing is,he didnt just change overnight as i thought, he had always displayed a selfish and mean attitude, i was just too blind and too naive to see this. Everyone apart from me, knew him for what he truly was. It’s just amazing that i spent 9yrs of my life with someone i really didnt know…
    what comes to mind is the quote is Sefi Atta’s novel “everything good will come” – “NEVER MAKE SACRIFICES FOR A MAN. BY THE TIME YOU SAY ‘LOOK WHAT I’VE DONE FOR YOU’ IT’S TOO LATE. THEY NEVER REMEMBER. AND THE DAY YOU BEGIN TO RETALIATE, THEY NEVER FORGET”
    I made a lot of sacrifices for my ex and it wasn’t just me, my family made sacrifices for him and bent over backwards on several occassions to help him just cos he was my boyfriend.
    It will be so easy to be bitter but i refuse to be cos i had a lucky escape. Could have been much worse. I could have been married to a selfish, uncaring and unfeeling man and a broken relationship no matter how long is way better than a broken marriage.

  15. mariam

    November 11, 2009 at 9:07 am

    quite agree with all comments,most especially bm’s,kpakpando’s.av been with a guy for yrs but we broke up bcos according to him i refuse to have sex with him.. by Gods grace no marriage no sex .

  16. Ana

    November 11, 2009 at 9:39 am

    pls share these tips you get from your mum and others
    true that, prayer is the key because you just never know

  17. frodo

    November 11, 2009 at 10:01 am

    deres no hard n fast rule 2 any relationshp,u jst nid 2 b wise n pray more often bout yours, seen.

  18. BRIDGET OTUBOR

    November 11, 2009 at 10:31 am

    love is a wonderful feeling, it is normal to make mistake but it is imperative to talk to your partner and from this you can make out if they are serious or not. It is also important to make your relationship short and worthwhile so that we you find your soulmate you will be ready…finally pray to meet your special one soon

  19. Missy

    November 11, 2009 at 11:54 am

    That’s my fear as well.
    I would stay, cos the grass aint always greener on the other side. And I would rather someone love me more and be chasing me, than the other way round.

  20. 2 gems (Dith)

    November 11, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    Very interesting stuff!
    LMAO @ scenario 1. I keep telling chicks to bump that he is a private person talk ooo. truth is most times he has sumtn to hide.

    And ditto @ d other scenarios. funny how when some one is obviously breaking ur heart, u find a way to still love him/her with the pieces that have been broken.

    A bad relationship is a bad relationship and the fact that it is long term does not necessarily make it a successful one either.

    Some pple stay in those relationships just because it is convenient and they hvnt found anything better, so best believe they’ll be saying sayonara when the opportunity presents itself.

  21. neli

    November 11, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    Good one…it’s very difficult tho, i’m in a relationship with someone whose ex GF is not ready to leave even tho he told her about us, it kills me inside and rite now i dnt even know wat to do cos i’m helplessly in love with him.Each time i talk abt leaving him he begs me not to cos it’s not his fault that she won’t let him be.

  22. Nneka

    November 11, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    I was getting all sympathetic with u until it hit me: YOU just might be the thrid wheel in this love triangle darling. In either case, a man who can’t ward off the ‘ex’tra females hanging around him is a recipe for disaster. ‘Your’ man’s excuse is sooo old, pay close attention to what you could be missing. You are NOT married to him so you don’t need to put up with this if it bothers you so much. As long as you are unmarried, I never recommend the ‘fight for your man’ nonsense many people succumb to; more especially since it sounds like you two just hit it off recently. Tell him how you feel straight up and if he is really done with her, he’ll do what he needs to do to make your relationship work and keep you feeling secured. But…ehm….don’t be surprised if down the line, he re-hits it off with this ‘ex’-GF and you hear some wedding bells. Like I said, the hard truth is that YOU might be the thrid wheel. Love with sense.

  23. mm

    November 11, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    neli, he needs to sort out the ex… and you need to take a stand that he sorts out the ex if you are to continue!!!

  24. neli

    November 11, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    tanx nneka.. i was feeling i could give him sometime to sort out things with her but it’s 8mnths now and counting, it’s a wake up call for me… Tanx bella i’m so burised right now but ‘ll cope anyway.

  25. duchess419

    November 11, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    Comment by ‘dele.. i feel your pain and this fool will get his own back in time. i like all the comments above and i think honesty and good judgement brought on by prayer is the only way out of the snake’s pit,which am sure every if not all women have once fallen into.

  26. Tess

    November 11, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Good one, beautiful one, I totally agree with you…..keep it up

  27. Ronnie G

    November 11, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    Wow!True talk.Us ladies sometimes just love the idea of being in a relationship and often lose ourselves thereby!

  28. B

    November 11, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    Good on you Dele, truly everything god will come.

  29. Jade82

    November 11, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    Hey Neil, i just read ur post very interesting and touching. As Nneka mentioned u might be the 3rd wheel in the situation. Just take some steps back and view the whole thing as a friend telling u her story. Try to do other things to occupy ur mind. Tell him when he decides to sort things out properly with his “EX” he knows the number to call.
    I know it’s hard, when he begs and apologizes it feels good but guess what ur back at one again. So please do what u can to make you happy. I know it hurts i have been in something like this before long distance where we fell for each other but he was torn on how to leave his girlfriend and date me. I said dude u have baggage till u figure out what you want u know the number. And he asked me to get pregnant for him…..I said HELL NO….God does not bless by force dating. So please figure urself out…it hurt but I want to be happy and not have him say well u got preggo….He begged me to come back to Nigeria I said that is not the problem. You know the problem is what and where you want to be.
    I healed and we talk as friends and I teased him about her, but guess what I heard they had a court wedding. I happy for both of them, she emotionally attached that she over looks his bull shit. If u cannot stand that “EX” this is the time to work on ur emotions and stay sane.
    A man that loves, likes and wants to be with you will get rid of his lose ends…….it is well….Prayer is key, this is what I ask God “To remove any man in my life that is not meant to be there” it works but remember God is doing his best for you…becos the real man will come out when God says its time.

  30. Omoye

    November 11, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    Prayer and faith in God that whatever decision we make God will direct, that’s the only solution!

  31. Nenecko

    November 11, 2009 at 9:46 pm

    Girl, sorry to break this to you… But your man is playing you. Its not that his ex wont leave him alone, its that HE cannot let her go. Bottom line? You are his under-G.. I have to be straight with u girl. Move on…better love next time and remain a BITCH – Babe In Total Control of Herself!

  32. Jade82

    November 11, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    Hello Agunwanyi that’s a good question…as Missy said ur not sure if the grass is greener on the other side.
    I will say sit down and think of what happened and why. And see what can be done to revive that passion.
    Talk to him and try iron out stuff…..it’s better for the man to love u more than u loving him more and being at his mercy.

  33. Jade82

    November 11, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    very true…thanks for the link…

  34. Africbabe

    November 12, 2009 at 3:55 am

    its ol there in 1 sentence. ” He’s Just Not That Into You. when u fall in a situation like dis, dats when u know how strong u r…n a person need straight within em selves 2 b able 2 deal wid things like dat

  35. bm

    November 12, 2009 at 4:04 am

    Being mature, virtuous, non-compromising, sharing. Some chics give themselves away to soon and pretty much lose themselves when they should have drawn boundaries. Stabilize the relationship before sex (nowadays people justify sex before marriage like if that is the ONLY reason you are marrying).

  36. mayowalulu

    November 12, 2009 at 4:56 am

    wooooWWW!! verry true!

  37. Mimi S

    November 12, 2009 at 8:31 am

    its really bad when poeple do such things to people, especially when they make them waste a long period of their life with them, the thing is, they who are ‘dumped’ for another person are actually better off without them

  38. jaybee

    November 13, 2009 at 11:37 am

    yes o!i agree wit kpakpando,who hasnt bin in dud relationships?my ex-bf was soooo mean,i almost lost my self esteem.on val’s day he told me he was goin to service his car!on another occassion when they had an event in his family,he invited another gf ova,and didnt even glance towards my directn until the gal left..and i was stupid enuf to cont d relatnshp,just cos,am the iyawo dey likd in his house,lol!then he did the worst thing by breakn up with me on fb stylishly,but i kip thankn God,i refused to sleep wit him sha,dt wlda bin worse.

  39. duchess419

    November 13, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    I thank God for giving all of us the 6/7th sense even though most times it takes a lot for us to realise it, trust it and eventually use it.

  40. Benny

    June 7, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Thaz a good one. when he does not communicate thru any means it also signify somthing. He may be forward in doing his things by liking you but hence he has not communicated to you about two of you, just start making for an alternative

  41. Pingback: The Unhealthy Relationship in Disguise « The Coffey Break

  42. Eve82

    July 17, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Taking notes!

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