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FRIDAY TRACK: The Tequila Texter

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Kilon Sparkles!

I spent my entire adolescent years as a spendthrift – no respect for the little I had and a big appetite for American-type capitalism. I later figured that on an average night out, its best to take a fixed amount with you. Once you exceed that limit, you’re on your ass. Water becomes your Nouveau Champers and you spend the rest of the month walking to campus because you’ve spent your monthly bus pass money on Bacardi and coke.

Today, some of those things have changed but others have become weapons of potential destruction.

For instance, the mobile phone. Yes, the mobile phone as small and as harmless (well that’s debatable) as it looks could leave you with no friends and dig you a bigger-hole-than-you-care to get out of.

The mobile phone is at its most dangerous on drunken nights out. As the blackberry sweeps the entire 24-49 demographic and leaves us all typing away in bars although you’re supposed to be having drinks with a friend you haven’t seen for years but yet manage to have a completely separate virtual conversation with another friend about how the ‘drinks’ is going or better still, stylishly take a picture of the scene and bbm with the tag: I think she’s gain 30 pounds, what do you think?

Its harmless chatting right? WRONG!

What you fail to understand is you are indeed having a ‘drink’. A couple of spritzers is in your system. Hence, your tendency to be that wee bit sarcastic or bitchy is only a thumb-twitch away.

Suddenly you summon up the courage to tell a friend to eat shit, or your obnoxious nephew that he has a head full of lapalapa or that object of your lust about wanting to spit on them (in the most sensual way possible, that is!)

Suddenly, you grow balls the side of agbalumo seeds and draft your most intimate thoughts in an incoherent text messages.

Now even worse, is lazy texting. I mean, I’m a criminal of using ‘LOL’ when I honestly can’t be bothered yet want to humour my conversation partner. If you get a ‘LOLOLOL’ from me then know I’m actually amused.

Now, on Wednesday morning, I’m talking 3.12am to be precise, I got a text message which read:

“YB, WD? Longest hour, it be like say we never jam 4 club anymore, NWO abi UDV guys? Anyhow holla peeps. NLT”

For the abbreviation-free texting community and I know we are fast becoming the minority, that text without the demonstration that he could recite his alphabets from A-Z actually meant something like this: (this is why it is important to have a few ‘fokasibe’ friends).

“Yes Boss, Wetin dey? Longest time, it’s like we haven’t bumped into each other for a while. Na wa oo, you dey vex with guys? Anyway, give us a shout. No long thing.

Honestly, we all need to either monitor what we drink or stop going out altogether without our phones because I don’t care what anyone says this chap was not sober when he wrote this message.

So as you head out tonight boys and girls. Ladies as you squeeze your Bobbi Brown cases and Givency perfs and of course, condoms (cause we all know you are the sensible ones) into that clutch. Please remember to leave your phone out of the bag, especially, if you are on ‘a break’ from your man.

This week’s Friday Track is from Lady G. (StudioFlow) has renamed the Gaga herself; this is her new label-diahorrea single, Fashion.

I love this, I hope you enjoy it too!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msoL-34x5JA[/youtube]TRM_Logo

8 Comments

  1. bebe

    January 30, 2010 at 12:40 am

    1st!
    in ur own words….LOLOLOL. SOmetimes i don’t even get the abbreviatns. Nice 1.

  2. Myne Whitman

    January 30, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    Thanks for that translation, lololol…

  3. Funmi

    January 30, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    LOL… True words… Especially with the crackberry addiction sweeping the globe…

    Gaga is insane… See the free advert she did for all these labels… Talk about name-dropping… SMH

  4. beezy

    January 31, 2010 at 6:01 am

    Guilty!!!!…sooooooo guilty is wat I am.. Infact, i’v told myself to leave my fone at home whenever i’m going out..bt then I think , what if I run into a real emergency??..hw do i call someone??.. Its just sad joo..

  5. Jen

    February 1, 2010 at 3:39 am

    the song is quite old though from the Shopaholic movie. The lyrics are hard to learn, I usually add Jewel by Lisa et all when singing it, lol!

    I hate abbreviations especially when most phones are qwerty and typing is convenient. For the longest time, I didn’t know what LOL and LMAO where talk less of the funky ones in your article.

  6. duchess419

    February 1, 2010 at 9:55 am

    thanks for your own translation, nice one.. yes am guilty too, especially with exes abi, bad bad!!

  7. Mr. Nigeria

    February 1, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    LWKM – Laugh wan kill me
    MIDG – make i dey go
    WGYL – we go yarn later
    IGA – I gbadun am
    ICS – I can’t shout
    DJM – Don’t jealous me
    WBDM – Who born d maga
    UDC – U de craze
    NUS – Na u sabi
    WSU – who send u
    ITK – I too know
    WDH – wetin dey happen
    NDH – nutin dey happen
    FMJ – free me jo
    BBP – bad bele people
    HUD – how u dey
    WKP – waka pass
    NTT – Na true talk
    NDM – no dull me
    IFSA – I for slap am
    IGDO – I go die o
    YB – Yess boss
    NLT – No long thing
    CWJ – carry waka jorh
    WBYO – wetin be your own
    U2D – U 2 do
    U2DV – U 2 dey vex
    WSDP – who send dem papa
    INS – i no send
    INFS – i no fit shout
    WWY – who wan yarn
    NBST – no be small thing
    NWO – na wah oooooo
    NMA – no mind am
    MIHW – make i hear word
    NBL – no be lie
    wd – wetin dey
    UNGKM – u no go kill me
    o2s – omo 2 sexy

  8. Ifeoma

    February 2, 2010 at 6:37 am

    Thanks so much for the naija text lingo ure awesome. I guess I needed to be current with the text language so i won’t fall anybody’s hand.

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