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Atoke’s Monday Morning Banter: A Tale of The Ex & The Boo

Atoke

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Do you know that feeling where after you finish exams, you don’t know if you should sleep for 18 hours at a stretch; or just drink a lot of wine and collapse from excess consumption? Everyone who has been to the Nigerian Law School will tell you about the horrors of the exam called “Bar Finals”.  We all experience this feeling and many students in the Bwari campus just flock to a shady joint called La Liga. They usually drink themselves into sleep oblivion. Blissful oblivion of having nothing to do or worry about.

On Friday, as I handed in my portfolio, I didn’t know whether to sleep, or to catch up on episodes of The Good Wife. It was a listless feeling of a great weight having been lifted from my shoulder. There was also that situation of not knowing what to do with myself. This is me who has spent the last 4 months having a deadline or the other every week and suddenly there was nothing to do. I couldn’t sleep, because my body had gotten used to just sitting in front of my computer, punching away. So, I tried to force myself to sleep.
“Ping!!!”
Oh God! I had forgotten to put my phone on silent mode. I ignored it, but the vibration continued – on the bedside table – giving off this really annoying sound.

I squinted and looked at the offensive little gadget. “What?” I didn’t care if I was being rude. It was my day of nothingness. I didn’t want to have to struggle with auto-correct and annoying back light from my phone.

My friends have apparently become immune to my rudeness because she just kept typing. “I hope you have been watching Shuga Naija?
No, I have been working on my portfolio. Like a good girl.” Well, actually I have but hey… I had to justify all my unread and unreplied messages. 😉
Shebi, you said you have submitted now, go and catch up. It’s on BellaNaija sef

Well, it wouldn’t have been a good time to mention to her that she was preaching to the choir, so I asked what it was I was supposed to be looking out for in Shuga. Apparently, she had recently found out that her boyfriend almost fiance in her head is friends with one of her exes. The said ex is one she thought she had found true love with. It was quite the whirlwind love affair until it came to a screeching halt. It was very bad – her things were in his house; he told the steward not to let her in unless he was there. They were yelling in front of the help. Not her finest hour, really.  Anyway, it turns out that her ex, and this guy she is currently trying to build a life with, met through a mutual friend many years ago. She wasn’t very comfortable with it and the Ekene/Femi situation on Shuga reminded her of how she might be sitting on a volcano waiting to erupt.

I ran the situation by my friend, Mo’ (who is the repository of ALL relationship scenarios) and asked him if he thought it was really anything to worry about. As usual, he had been in that situation before. In his case, his incumbent and ex were friends. When he was dating Girl A, Girl A and Girl B had an incumbent friendship. Then the relationship ended, he dated Girl Random for about 9 months and then social media happened. He found Girl B again and somehow, they hooked up. It wasn’t a case of snatching (though it is open to interpretation).

Now, seeing as Girl A and Girl B were still friends, they tried to act like they were cool with the situation, but the situation became really tense and eventually caused a crack in their friendship.

Why is it their friendship that took a beating and not your relationship?” I asked.
You know how girls are now. My girlfriend at that time said her friend was trying to make her feel like she was having her cast off

Ladies and gentlemen… how does one deal with this situation. Are you cool with your boo being friends with your ex? How do you handle the dynamics? Is it all cool? Or is it dependent on how the relationship ended?
Please share your thoughts. In the meantime, I have a backlog of sleep and TV shows to catch up on. My own Christmas holiday just started.

Have a fantastic week ahead. Don’t let anybody upset you and remember to spread love and good cheer.
Peace, love & cupcakes

Photo Credit: rollingout.com

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

45 Comments

  1. Chika

    January 13, 2014 at 11:26 am

    LOL so I finally get the chance to BE THE FIRST TO comment and I have NO idea what to say! Silly me! Such crinkum crankum…such higgy-hagga!!!! Someone, anyone, please help Chika! 😛

    • Ada Nnewi

      January 13, 2014 at 11:35 am

      LMAO @ your comment…Anyone who’s as cheerful as you on a Monday morning, deserves to win the elusive first to comment award!..

    • Grown Woman

      January 13, 2014 at 11:37 am

      lol good for you

    • TA

      January 13, 2014 at 1:35 pm

      LOL

  2. 5'5

    January 13, 2014 at 11:27 am

    yes but it will be awkward. cnt lie about that one.

  3. www.anemistyle.com

    January 13, 2014 at 11:29 am

    I think it depends on how the relationship ended but in an ideal it would be best if the past stayed in the past. Explain to your bf that is makes you uncomfortable and hopefully he’ll understand.

  4. Mariaah

    January 13, 2014 at 11:36 am

    LOL.. I am waiting…

  5. Anon

    January 13, 2014 at 11:37 am

    Well, going by Simon Cowell’s troupe, ain’t nothing wrong with that. Refer to dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/family-relationships/mel-harvey-nobody-wants-exes-2223970
    Honestly can’t deal with Simon and his clan.

  6. Vanessa

    January 13, 2014 at 11:51 am

    I wont be very comfortable if EX hurt me or I hurt him. If maybe the relationship died a natural death, we can all be friends. If I am the girlfriend of my Boo’s ex, as long as she is not obsessed about him or still brooding over him, we can all be friends.

  7. Neo

    January 13, 2014 at 11:54 am

    What kind friendship is that? Unto what? Abegi oooh, no way. That’s how one day you will come subject of discussion among them. Love matters go way too deep for all that one abeg. I’m not saying they should be tearing shirt and breaking bottle if/when they see each other, but there is no need to cross the boundaries of civility into unnecessary chuminess abeg.

    • Blessmyheart

      January 13, 2014 at 12:50 pm

      I agree wholeheartedly with you

    • ccc

      January 13, 2014 at 9:08 pm

      hahaha…’tearing shirt and breaking bottle’…

  8. Grown Woman

    January 13, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    Hell to the nooooo…..I wouldn’t like my boo to be friends with my ex not a good picture

  9. Janey

    January 13, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    All this akwardness only becomes an issue when SEX is involved. Not being holier than thou or anything, but ask all these girls or guys who feel uncomfortable when such scenarios come up and 10 out of 10 times they were sleeping with each other. If no sex is involved, nothing to feel awkward about really. It is also the reason why full disclosure will not come up when you find out that le boo and le ex are friends. If DJ Foyeh never slept with Femi, she would have fessed up since. The reason why people should just keep it zipped. The world is very very very small. Yes, I said people, male and female, but the onus is more on us girls sometimes because we know how much guys talk and some of them are not mature enough to handle the fact that their friend has slept with their girlfriend.

    • TA

      January 13, 2014 at 1:14 pm

      1000 likes ! Your head is there 🙂

    • ivie oronsaye

      January 13, 2014 at 2:43 pm

      10000 likes..

  10. NIRA

    January 13, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    NAAA, I WON’T BE COMFORTABLE, AT ALL, NO MATTER HOW THE PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP ENDED. WOULDN’T WANT THEM DISCUSSING ME IN MY ABSENCE.

  11. http://www.thelmathinks.blogspot.com/

    January 13, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    LMAO @ Chika’s comment.
    Your first paragraph reminded me of that nothingness after Bar finals. You’ll think it would be the greatest moment of your life but suddenly having nothing to do can make you feel lost and empty. Still, it’s a lot better than all that exam pressure!
    I would only be ok with boo and ex being friends if they’re not at all close. I don’t need to be seeing my ex regularly or be constantly reminded of his existence. Also if I was the cause of the break up, if I was a bad girl during the relationship then I won’t be comfortable at all, it might threaten my present relationship because MEN TALK, even more than girls.

    thelmathinks.blogspot.com

  12. DAMMY

    January 13, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    There is no how one will be comfortable as in “once debe is always debe” as they say……my yoruba peeps should understand that adage better

    • Newbie

      January 13, 2014 at 2:10 pm

      The question is not about your boo and his ex remaining friends, so once debe does not arise. This is a little trickier – your boo and YOUR ex i.e. two guys if you’re a babe or two babes if you’re a guy, being friends.

  13. Aibee

    January 13, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    I’d rather the boo and the ex or any randoms in between not meet or know each other on this side of eternity. Too much drama abeg. Even worse if you had sex, good or bad, with the ex. Hian. Dear Lord, keep all parties far away from each other till thy kingdom comes, Amen.

    • Grace E

      January 13, 2014 at 3:52 pm

      hahahahah Dear Lord did not send anybody to be opening leg from Damascus to Madagascar and be having sex up and down…how this one take concern am?

  14. Isabella

    January 13, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    hmmm! I once dated a guy who had a mutual friend with my ex. he and my ex saw occasionally and would talk football and all, well, until my ex decided he wanted me back and came all the way to ‘the boyfriend’s’ house to fine tune his appeal……what happened to their football gist afterwards? I still do not no….

  15. Karo

    January 13, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    Errrm this is a complicated one. I think your friend should run for her life. For d girls, their friendship may die off cos of the relationship but for the guys, they would rather end d relationship than part ways with their friends. Just my two cent.

    karosstoryblog.blogspot.com

  16. HRH Ihuoma

    January 13, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    Taink u very much. well said!

  17. Dolapo

    January 13, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    Atoke, I can totally relate to the paragraph where you talked about not knowing what to do after an exhausting exam. Finished one crazy ass exam on Saturday and I was torn between sleeping, watching the good wife or drinking to stupor as I only had one day off before traveling. It’s one of the best feelings in the world.

    On the ex matter, nah, why is my ‘boo’ friends with his ex? Am I not enough? What of God? No please!!!!! Will be back to read comments,. Boarding announced.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      January 13, 2014 at 1:18 pm

      No be small “what of God?”. Truly, He’s an ever-present friend to those in need … 🙂

    • Vusi

      January 13, 2014 at 2:09 pm

      see as nigerians come dey carry God for mouth in any matter. fish go spoil (what of god)…tire go puncture (what of god). abeg @Dolapo educate us on how god enter d matter. i never see

    • Newbie

      January 13, 2014 at 2:15 pm

      But Atoks writes clearly nah, why are you guys misunderstanding her? she’s talking about your boo being friends with your ex, not his.

  18. M

    January 13, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    I think it depends on how the relationship ended and the individual.
    I am currently friends with a few of my current boyfriends exs as i have a massive respect for them as ladies and how well they have led their lives and their careers.
    Others I do not have the time of day for because i cannot relate to them or appreciate them.
    Its nothing personal, nor do i harbor and ill feelings towards them.
    The same could be said for my bf and in cases where he has considered being buddy buddy which exes i didnt end well with, well lets say the side eyes gave him the message cos dont nobody gat time for that

  19. Dolapo

    January 13, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    I honestly didn’t read the article to the end. Now wth???? My present and past as friends? That’s a perfect recipe for disaster of course. I would be scared if the guy I was dating was comfortable being friends with someone whom I had sexual intercourse with,

  20. SpiceeAmiee

    January 13, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Hahahaha. Atoke, so you went to La Liga when you were in Bwari? Badt gal ni e. LOL. Back to the matter, I don’t understand the rational behind the friendship between my ex and my current. E jo, kini won se friendship fun? Are there no more other guys for them to hangout with? Abeg, abeg, abeg. My ex and my present cannot be friends o. Whether or not the relationship with my ex ended amicably or not (which in reality it did cos I and the ex are still pretty good friends) but there cannot be any FORM of friendship between ex and present. My present has to choose between me continuing to be his girlfriend or him continuing to be friends with my ex. There is no room for compromise here.

  21. Kiki

    January 13, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Let the past stay in the past. I am not comfortable and i wont allow it. PEROID!!

  22. Sols

    January 13, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    It’s definitely awkward but it can work. I married my ex’s friend! Things ended between my ex and I and after a year my husband and I starting dating but first he called my ex to inform him needless to say there are no longer chummy …which is perfect by me!

  23. happychick

    January 13, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    le boo et le ex friends ke #lobatan!, all shades of no abeg. depends on how it ended too esp if he really hurt me much, Think past should remain where it belongs#totallyforgotten#. The le ex can like to be far far away from my Boo and I. Even if the world is a small place ,the sky is still big enof he can get lost in it.

  24. Shona

    January 13, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    If sex is involved…Awkward moment
    If no sex still awkward because no one would like to be a subject of discussion when they are both alone or with their other cliques.

  25. ivie oronsaye

    January 13, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    This brings me back to the question..what are friends for? Such friendship odikwa risky..

  26. Meg

    January 13, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    Janey said it all.

  27. Dede

    January 13, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    Ah wait oh. y’all making me feel like am in an abusive relationship of a sort. How can I choose by boyfriend’s friends for him??? he wont even listen if I tell him to cut ties with this friend of his cos the person happens to be my ex! Especially if they met several years ago before I even came into the picture. All I can do is pray to God to just tire their friendship apart. hehehe

  28. Que

    January 13, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    I will not lose sleep over their friendship, but I will be curious if I suspect that I’ve become topic of discussion…. on another note, I would suspect my bf if he was rily comfy with such friendship, cos from my experience, men r WAY MORE jealous n protective that they would have us believe… so this kind friendship only affects me if he proves to be disturbed by it, in which case I’ll kindly inform him dat its his call to end it or remain unconfortable, either way I won’t be losing sleep. I can live happily with the choices I’ve made, I’d hope same for him.

  29. rebabdeba

    January 13, 2014 at 11:39 pm

    LaLiga!
    so much drama took place in that place!
    gossip and gist started there and spreak round like wild fire.
    i tire…

  30. Patricia

    January 14, 2014 at 4:21 am

    No. My past and present could not be friends. Jare ! just too awkward, not because I did anything Wrong, I just couldn’t. Stand the thought of them comparing notes.
    I dated a guy once who called my ex to beg me after one of his escaped after seeing his number on my phone. My ex rang me to find out if he was okay.

  31. Anonymous

    January 14, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    I think the guy should also be worried that he might bring his girl right back into the arms of le ex though (that’s if they hang out a lot in company of the girl). Depending on how that relationship ended, he just might end up being the rebound guy and the two will continue where they left off thanx to him.

  32. MoD

    January 15, 2014 at 3:40 am

    My ex and my fiancé are best friends oh…. He’s going to be best man at our wedding sef! No sex was involved with the ex and the whole relationship was very brief. Le boo didn’t like the way my ex treated me and he fancied me so he stepped in and took care of me (not sexually oh). We fell in love and the ex ‘gave us his blessing’ so to speak!

  33. Wildcat

    January 21, 2014 at 8:33 am

    Iyaff learned alot. Thank the lawd that i never sexualise. Lol. *permit my grammar* well im not a lovey dovey type. ) le boo et le ex no exist in ma dictionary.
    Perhaps cos im still a learner. Nway before someone start coughin, im close to thirthieth. Y‘all dont judge.

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