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Busola Obayomi: Good Black Brothers Need Good Black Sisters

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I was in a conversation with some young political activists some months ago. After talking about our political dissonances, we gradually shifted to a different topic. We were all blacks, so, it makes sense that we transitioned to issues that affects the black population. A lady was sharing passionately on why black men needed to step up and learn to treat their women right. She was so passionate that you could sense she was speaking from a personal experience. I listened and was eager to share my views. This is not a new topic that I have been involved in but there was so much in her conversation that I could not get it out of my mind.

The conversation went on to talk about how black women are at the bottom of the social strata. Most black women are educated and smart but usually struggle to find a mate that matches up to that standard that most successful black women have. With a curious mind, I began to think of intelligent black women I know who are still single.

In my opinion, I do not see being single as a bad thing or disease. Being single does not make you less of a human being. I also believe that that there are people who can be happily single if they choose to. On that note, I gently contributed. Even though black women cannot find partners, I mentioned that black men in United States are also at the bottom of the economic strata. I also could not stop thinking of black men who are struggling to get jobs. I am not even talking about those with only high school degrees; it also include friends who are highly educated.

I noticed how many black women around me easily progress in their career path but most of the men are behind and struggling. I do not have a definite answer to the imbalance because there are so many reasons involved.

It is a great thing to have a professional degree; but I have come to a conclusion that not everyone would have one. Not everyone would become a doctor, lawyer, engineer or a social worker. Some people have to go a different path. The sad aspect is that you would struggle to move up in the economic ladder if you do not have professional degree. Black men struggle with a lot of stigma and very little network to build their reputation.

In the world today, networking is huge. You need to know how to get what you want and where you need to go. Most Nigerians in America I know, are mostly in social work if they are not professionals. There are many fields to launch into than being a social worker. But the pool of network is very small outside this circle. I also noticed how black people are hesitant to help the young black men. This is a sad truth.
The world demands creativity and it is important for individuals to become creative in any way possible. In a very complex world, it is also important to be flexible and adaptable to change. The only thing is that most black men have weak networks for them to be innovative. I can think of white peers who were behind academically but have gradually progressed in their career path than some black men who performed better. Their parents and friends have done most of the work for them. They all join these networks that would benefit them.

We, being Nigerian-Americans. Our parents lived for survival, so there is very little to build on. Only if your dad is Dangote,Bishop Oyedepo or Adebayo Ogunlesi, then you have no worries. Most organizations our parents probably belong to is more social than adding any value to their children. These organizations are more of “Owambe” than focused a providing economic development for their children.

In United States, those with strong communities have been able to produce successful people. I am always talking to the Italian-Americans, Chinese-Americans, Indian-Americans and especially to Jewish-Americans on how they have left a lasting legacy in America. Most black men would have to go beyond the black community to ascend in their career path. There is a very small pool of people that you can actually find to mentor you in your career path.

Being the first in my family to go into law school was also challenging. I remember just trying to network with other Nigerian men who were lawyers but it was not successful. It takes a while to find genuine men who are interested in building other men. It is so easy to find black women empowerment network but black men are just lost, striving to survive and make it on their own. Probably that would explain why some men become demanding and expect so much from their partners.

Since our women have been able to move a lot quicker in the economic ladder than most black men do, I could not stop thinking of the significance for the brothers to start networking with the black women network.
Furthermore; strong families produce strong children. If black men can humble themselves and realize that there are more odds against them. They have very little and weak networks. Most black men have to deal stereotypes. Most people feel threatened by black men.

Black women are always easier to reach out to than black men. Not all of us want to become an entertainers (where most black men have mainly progressed). Black women are usually more skilled and with vast network. The larger population in United States are usually more comfortable with black women in leadership than black men. That is why I believe that a stronger family would make a progressive race of people. A stronger family involves genuine commitment and faithfulness from both husband and wife.

It is important not to assume that marriage will change your life drastically but it is important for married couples to realize that they belong to the same team. To be a team means you are working towards a common vision and both of you will do anything to support each other. As a single guy and also black, you sometimes had to break a perception and stereotype of being perceived as lazy and indisciplined.

People respect you more when you are able to keep your marriage. In America, it always reflect the strength and character, when they a black man has a stable family. Black males with supportive wives are more likely to progress very quickly than the young single ambitious guy who is still trying to find stability.

We also need our women to dismiss the fantasy of having Mr. “Bankole.” Mr. “Bankole” is my metaphor for a man who is very successful and ready for marriage. The sad part is Mr. “Bankole’s” have become very few.

In a cultural context, many things have changed for men. Men used to be the sole bread winner but the change in culture have also demanded women to also become financially responsible. In America, the black men are at the bottom of the economic strata. It has become a system that has kept them there. There are many reasons to this situation. Family structure, poor lifestyle choices etc. But most educated black men also had to suffer and endure before they find stability. The unemployment rate is higher within the black male than the average population. From my understanding, once you are unemployed for more than nine months, your skill sets would have to be refined.

Many black males are not sure of their place in the society. If they are not emotionally and mentally firm, they would end up in a destructive lifestyle. This destructive lifestyle also becomes a cycle. It also affects Nigerian-Americans too. Most Nigerians already have a standard inculcated into us of what a man and woman is meant to be like. This expectation would exempt a large population of black men in America.

Finding the modern Mr. “Bankole” would mostly be based on a woman’s ability to discern a man who is a prospect. The one who is working hard and making attempt to be where He needs to be. He might not have the nicest car or even have a car yet. He might not be the most clean-cut guy. His life might be too busy trying to find his path. Men are also very unpredictable. The guy that looks like “Jonah” today, might become the Mr. “Bankole” tomorrow. A good man just needs a little hand. The presence of good woman in a man’s life should never be underestimated.

__________________________________________________________________
Busola I. Obayomi is a dynamic leader who has branded himself as a leadership guru. Busola has served as a student government leader and in various leadership capacities. He has worked closely with New York state elected officials, starting from the City council to New York State Legislature. He is also a founder of Youth Zeal Initiative, whose mission is to empower young people in using their gifts and talents to inspire others.

Bus Obayomi is a dynamic leader who has branded himself as a leadership guru. Bus has served as a student government leader and in various leadership capacities. He has worked closely with New York state elected officials, starting from the City council to New York State legislature. He is also a founder of Youth Zeal Initiative, whose mission is to empower young people in using their gifts and talents to inspire others.

174 Comments

  1. Chic

    January 3, 2014 at 10:27 am

    At least in America you can easily come up with a list of 100 black men and 100 black women professionals who have excelled in their field try compiling a similar list in the UK…and no department manager at Tescos, Boots, Sainsbury, Asda does not cut it even secondary school levers can achieve those ranks in the UK as long as you’re hardworking am talking about professionals in the professions they went to school for.

  2. ms lala

    January 3, 2014 at 10:57 am

    I understand the author’s pov am second generation Nigerian American and yes its true its hard to find black men supporting and mentoring other black men be it african or african american…my dad’s mentor when he schooled in University of illinois was a white man and when i schooled in cali my mentors were mostly white and of course a strong black dean of the school who pretty much kicked any one’s buttocks if they messed with me…but i see it alot, lots of brothers are complaining that the reaching hand of a black mentor is far…now about sisters being single is not a disease but lots of nigerian and black women are FALLING IN LOVE WITH OTHER RACES. who somehow are supportive, understanding and involved…dont get me wrong one can find these traits in a black man or african man but in my own experience the drama that comes with marrying into a black family let alone a nigerian family with issues is enough to fill two slot seasons of HBO . most women are lucky to find their missing rib in their home country , tribe or even family friends. but another issues we “SISTERS have with black men is that we nurture you, give u a shoulder to lean on and struggle through the bad times …once the jackpot come thru off they are marrying white women or different nationalities. and i can list “brothers” whose wives started from bottom and boom and they are over there with a different chick…

    • Non professional opinion

      January 3, 2014 at 1:05 pm

      ” a nigerian family with issues is enough to fill two slot seasons of HBO”
      GUUUUUUURRRRLLLLL!!! You said a mouthful.

    • j

      January 5, 2014 at 11:34 pm

      lol bammm

    • that crazy chick

      January 5, 2014 at 8:12 am

      i haff die of laffffff ohh

    • olubunmi

      January 6, 2014 at 9:49 am

      Please tell us whats funny?

  3. Step77

    January 3, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Some great points! The writer is correct about the apparent disparity between the career progression of black women when compared to their black male counterparts in the professional setting. I live in the States and have a lot of married and single friends, off the top of my head ( this is my fair and un-researched assessment) within the younger ( late 20s – 30s) Nigerian-American community on a broad brush, it seems that for the married couples the professional male is mostly at par or doing better than his spouse if she is working in the Health Care Field in a position other than that of a Physician / the higher paid roles. On the other hand if the spouse ( female) is say a Physician, Engineer, Lawyer, or Pharmacist they tend to be at par or fare better career wise than their spouse. For those single intelligent ladies it seems they can not find someone at par because for the most part they fall into the second category of professionals stated above. In the second category above, I believe the Nigerian-American women are more creative with their networking and job search, also possibly more aggressive. I observed this while in a predominantly white college, there were more black ladies with leadership positions in a variety of student body associations (the Nigerian Student Association included) than our black males. I guess another question to address is why our black males are not as confident & aggressive as their female counterparts when it comes to networking, job pursuit, or even choosing the career that fits and going after it with focus and determination. Perhaps therein lies the effects of socio-political/ socio-cultural /socio-psychological conditioning?

    • Newbie

      January 3, 2014 at 12:59 pm

      What I also find is that often- and it is fair to say that I have only observed Nigerians to reach this conclusion- black males have unreasonable expectations of how much money they should be making at any point in time, hence instead of taking that entry level job and working their way up (especially if they have come abroad a bit older e.g. schooled in Nigeria, etc), they sit home expecting one ‘deal’ or the other to click. Wasting valuable time and making themselves even more unemployable. We all know that the longer there are unexplained gaps in your CV, the harder it is to get a job. Even the business sef, why don’t you start something small and grow it – mbanu! The people I am referring to always seem to have overinflated egos.

    • whocares

      January 3, 2014 at 2:26 pm

      OMG!!! You just described my step father. He was a
      chattered accountant in Nigeria, came here and got entry level jobs
      and refused every job he got because he felt he was too important
      for it.. he eventually became a cab driver..

    • whocares

      January 3, 2014 at 1:59 pm

      I agree with you on the networking thing. The author made it seem like the ladies do not work hard for where they get, but they do. When I was in university, the black people in my year were probably say 10, and when elections for student body came, it was mostly the females that went up for it, same with networking. it is not easier for women, not the way he seems to put it.. but then again I do not live in the U.S so I cannot say.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      January 3, 2014 at 3:20 pm

      *In Sweet Brown’s voice* Gurrrl, where you live? 😉 And
      I’m with you, Step77 & Newbie. Black women work harrrdd on
      that networking steez, plus we see enough reason to accept those
      so-called demeaning entry level roles when we’re thinking of the
      bigger career picture. My personal take on why we African gals in
      particular hustle so damn much in the West is because we look back
      to where we came from (a completely male dominated society with
      very narrow opportunities for women to climb further up the food
      chain without spreading our legs) and that makes us grab any career
      opportunity that promises honest labour and progression based on
      merit. It’s far easier for men in Nigeria to get ahead, so they
      also have the luxury of saying “no” to certain jobs in the West
      because they know what they left behind. Me? Na God and Networking
      wey this Ada Owerri dey use find her opportunities… And that’s my
      opinion on the disparity.

  4. Jane Public

    January 3, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Story, story, sermon on the mount. You are talking as if these Black men are willing to humble themselves to be with successful Black women. Newsflash Bro, THEY ARE NOT. Most black men fall into two camps. The ones who will gladly enjoy your money while not getting their asses up to do anything, and we black women have been programmed to tolerate their crap, feed them, clothe them, be responsible for the children all in a bid to have and keep a man. The camp 2 are the one’s whose ego’s will not allow them be with a successful woman. They say they don’t mind at first but as the relationship develops the male ego creeps up and they start bullying the woman and putting her down all in a bid to exert their masculinity because culture has told them that they must be on top in everything. So, you are correct in your statemnet that successful black women have a small pool to pick from, which is why I tell my friends to look outside of race. No point lowering yourself for one guy when there are Jewish, White, even Asian men at your level who don’t suffer from the proverbial huge African/Black male ego. My friends are getting married left, right and centre to Caucasians and Asians. Yes it took them much longer to realise it, with many of them getting married in their 30’s (dem don wait for Mr Bankole tire), they picked Mr Finklestein, Mr Schwitz and Mr Arun and those are men that are their partners of equal worth and I don’t just mean with money. The majority of them met their husbands through work circles. It is not easy being a woman, work hard to get to the top (BS that we have had it easier), only to now settle just because you want to be married. I have friends who have also settled and have regretted it. All their efforts to pull the man up has failed woefully, all down to ego from the man and pressure from his family. The few ones you see black successful male and female getting married, check their surnames and their pedigree. They come from money and strong family connections so they are only marrying each other i.e.within their rich social circle, but the rest of the Jane public from average homes with no surnames to flash around (but have worked hard to get where they are) have to now settle for what is left and bro the pickings are veeeeeeery slim. Black women, I repeat, look outside of race and you will be pleasantly surprised.

    • ms lala

      January 3, 2014 at 12:06 pm

      OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! shiiiiiiiii gurl u just said what i said in a subtle manner…#truthbomb.. my girlfriend just got married to an Italian Jew and his family is inlove with her…she had a problem having kids and the family support that was shown made me cry…shes now preggers and mehn…i dont care the dude is prince charming..i know for sure if he was Nigerian even if he might show support..family in Nigeria or here will be throwing breadsticks like it was olive garden $20 per couple deal

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 12:44 pm

      Thanks hun. Me lovey you long time. I kinda feel your friend, that is why I am looking at the blue eyed blondes that have been eyeing me since plus one smoking hot Spaniard. Beautiful curly haired bi-racial babies in my future. Shhhh don’t tell my parents.

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      January 3, 2014 at 4:04 pm

      [email protected] bread sticks at Olive Garden for $20 though?
      DEAD

    • Thatgidigirl

      January 3, 2014 at 12:10 pm

      I loooove you Jane Public!!!!

    • Eve82

      January 3, 2014 at 12:47 pm

      Jane you have hit the hammer on the nail…btw Busola I enjoyed your article.

    • Que

      January 3, 2014 at 12:59 pm

      Ma’am ur closing line said everything well for me. Gbam! D questio in my head while reading the whole thing was …why? Why r d men lagging behind and do they really care about changing it? Research 4 another day. Ciao.

    • Idak

      January 3, 2014 at 1:05 pm

      Marrying anyone comes with its own issues. Glad thay you have outlines the attendant issues involved in marrying a naija (black) man. I wish you will also outline the issues involved carrying from those seemingly exotic cultures your friends marries into? Abi are they perfect?
      All these generalizations will get us no where. There are God and bad men everywhere. Blacks and Nigerians do not have monopoly of the bad parts and the European,Indians,Jews and Thai cultures do not breed angels.

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 1:20 pm

      Copying @mslala’s comment. There’s your answer. “now about sisters being single is not a disease but lots of nigerian and black women are FALLING IN LOVE WITH OTHER RACES. who somehow are supportive, understanding and involved…dont get me wrong one can find these traits in a black man or african man but in my own experience the drama that comes with marrying into a black family let alone a nigerian family with issues is enough to fill two slot seasons of HBO ”
      No, they don’t breed angels but you kinda have to wonder why black men have been tagged with such generalisations. Or a very common one. The ones that do make it, go straight and marry white women, so why can’t the women too do the same? What is good for the goose, is good for the gander.

    • Idak

      January 3, 2014 at 1:41 pm

      Let me prophecy for you:
      This year you will meet a black brother who will make you wish for a delete button on BN.
      All your past experiences shall be wiped away and you will thank God for your strong black stud of a man.
      Please say amen,Jane public.

    • Idak

      January 3, 2014 at 2:11 pm

      Sincere apologies for your own experience. However, I do
      not agree with your generalizations. You are In danger of
      overemphasizing a single story. I still insist that while some of
      the issues raised BTL here about Nigerian men and their marriages
      are true but you also have issues with men of other races and some
      of those problems are as bad if not worse than those with
      Nigerians

      1
    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      January 3, 2014 at 3:31 pm

      @ Jane Public, regarding that matta of being eyed up against your will by an interested oyibo bros. NWA NNE M!!! MY SISTER!!!! D one wey dey find me trouble for office here na one sultry, hawwwwttttt looking Portuguese boy (and when I say boy, truly, I see at least 5 years seperating us but he fine, sha, chei! He fine). Me dey avoid this European temptation at all costs but da fellow has refused to warn himself. Dey smile, dey very presentable, dey make deliberate eye-contact, dey greet me at all opportunities. Why e no fit just be one dudu bros in his 30s?? Why Lord???? And this is not the only interested oyibo wey don show me green light for this office…

      Idak, I personalize that your prayer and say a mighty AMEMMMMMMM to your prophecy!!!!!! If Jane no need am, I seriously need am, abeg.

    • Iyke

      January 3, 2014 at 4:00 pm

      So you left Ichie Iyke, (ONYE O GA ADIRI MMA 1), (Aku na
      esi obi ike 1), for one Portugues Boy? Chai, Nne you yaabbb. We may
      sound crude et al, but there is something really really SEXY about
      Naija men. We rock! BTW,happy new year.

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 4:10 pm

      You better give them the green light and open yourself to love. That comment of why can’t the dude be black? I say to you, them no be man. Good to say a resounding Amen to Idak’s prayers but don’t be racist. Lol. Amen to a good man. Black is irrelevant

    • Idak

      January 3, 2014 at 4:21 pm

      My darling sister, you own prayer is specialized. You will
      get more than I sent to @Jane Public. That Aso Ebi I have been
      talking about, we go wear am this year and you and your visitors
      will never have cause to regret the ceremony. The joy and
      celebration of that day will never cease in that marriage. Nne,
      leave am. Your own prayer dey very special. You are my personal
      person and I am taking it up with baba God very personally. I have
      never had an unanswered prayer and your case will not be the first.
      Happy new year! The lines (in all spheres) will fall pleasantly in
      this new year. Enjoy!!

    • jcsgrl

      January 3, 2014 at 4:46 pm

      Are you still dulling? You berra give green light to oyibo
      men o. Hmnn me sef I don’t talk say in my next life na oyibo I go
      marry. Thank God for our nja men but sheesh their egos and wahala
      too much. Infact I will make it my personal mission to ensure you
      hook up with an oyibo dis year 🙂

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      January 4, 2014 at 12:54 pm

      Hehehe, Iyke, you’re a trip. And yeah, you choco bruvvers can be sexy sha but so are the Channing Tatums, Chris Helmsworths and Henry Cavills of this world (hubba, hubba). Happy New Year! 🙂

      Jane, I can deal with the kinda non-African bro that I’ve just described … hehehe

      And Idak, may God hear every prayer request made over your life, that is such a kind sentiment you’ve typed up there. Thank you and may all you’ve desired for others be returned with multiple measures into your life in Jesus’ name! 🙂

      Ehnn, Jcsgirl, nwa nne m, no be like say I dey dull oh but these oyibos get some very different perspectives on sturvvs. Prime example – went on a date with one recently & from the jump, he begin talk about his year long sailing trip wey im wan do from Europe to Australia. Beginning in March 2014, boat don ready and all… I just dey look am; I mean, whilst I appreciated his honesty about future planning, I just dey wonder wetin we go use these 3 months in between dey do? Abi make we play or make I follow am go? Maybe I just need to be more open with my own perspective on sturvvs…

    • Jane Public

      January 4, 2014 at 1:31 pm

      Your comment about sailing from Europe to Australia made me laugh. It reminded me of my friend’s boyfriend who took a year off to volunteer in very poor areas of Asia. A whole year off, and he asked her to join him. She said huh? Bros, join you ke, how. An entire year in Asia, in some funny, funny places, her parents would not find it funny. They broke up before he left but omo boy came back seriously loved up. She was already dating someone by then but the guy persisted, they are married now with an absolutely beautiful little girl, so you never know o. Once you open your mind to the possibilities, you will be surprised by how much your mind can change and accept some things. You just may have the time of your life if you go.

    • coco

      January 4, 2014 at 9:11 pm

      amen to that!!

    • Kola S

      January 5, 2014 at 6:27 pm

      Why haven’t black women embraced other races already?

    • kings

      January 10, 2014 at 4:33 pm

      Why are you spoiling market for us ehh. lol. They are still few black exception.

  5. Dr. N

    January 3, 2014 at 11:31 am

    There is a serious shortage of successful men. Perhaps, in the effort to educate the girl child, the boy child got left behind. I think women need to look out for character and de-emphasize polish, ostentation, and others. Also, we bring to the table, stabilizing traits that enable men move up faster. Do you write better than he does, speak more articulately? That may be what he needs to hit those millions and ditto! You become a millionaire’s wife. Good article. http://www.drnsmusings.wordpress.com

    • Kia

      January 3, 2014 at 3:37 pm

      Polish him ke! Go ahead once he’s sorted he will dump you
      like a bad habit! It happens all the time.

    • Newbie

      January 3, 2014 at 5:16 pm

      Or treat you so appallingly whilst you hang on for dear
      life, too ashamed to dump him because of what people will
      say.

    • Ada Nnewi

      January 6, 2014 at 9:24 am

      this happened to my friend, she polished the dude up at her own expense now he’s a millionaire he treats her like a pariah…#enuff said..

    • jcsgrl

      January 3, 2014 at 4:49 pm

      akiko story story most black or nja are not willing to be
      taught or learn from their women. Oyibo men no mind…but our black
      men mbanu

    • Jane Public

      January 4, 2014 at 1:32 pm

      Learn from their women, she must be having a laugh. Oyinbo maybe, black mbanu

  6. Step77

    January 3, 2014 at 11:32 am

    (con’td)I was just given a heads up by a single friend ( probably personal bias) but also when you meet the “good black men” i.e educated, articulate, driven and successful, whereas their female counterparts just want someone who is a good man with a good job, they (black male) catapult themselves to this pedestal where they look for a Beyonce coloured Aunt Jemima skilled Oprah Winfrey savvy Martha Stewart house keeping Tyra banks look alike. lol.

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 12:18 pm

      Exactly. I think it is because they are in such short supply, they feel that they have earned the right to make demands and unfortunately many of them do find the type you described but most times she is an airhead too. Someone who will massage their egos well well and a successful black woman aint got no time for that. Black women sha can’t win. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I second @mslala’s comment. Fall in love with other races. Much less drama

    • ms lala

      January 3, 2014 at 1:17 pm

      okay.am this close to inviting you over for drinks lol to speak on this dang matter…trust me there are 2billion people in the world…call me columbus cuz i finna explore the earth..and not get stuck in Africa alone…as for Idak saying theres bad and good in every race….true but the bad ones that are our colour do worse mehn..lets not get started on SPIRITUAL BATTLE ONE ENDEVEOURS

    • Que

      January 3, 2014 at 1:01 pm

      Hahahahahahahaha…. well spoken!

    • Newbie

      January 3, 2014 at 1:04 pm

      lol! Too right

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 1:51 pm

      @ms lala, I will invite you too. Here I am in my pjays, no work until Monday. 2 Dirty Martinis coming right up. Let me go look for my cocktail shaker. We can discuss this topic for dayssssssss.

  7. Thelma

    January 3, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    BN after I read this article I had to scroll back up to read the title again. I was sure I must have read it wrong, but nope, I didn’t. This post should be titled The Trials and Challenges Of The Black (Nigerian) Man In America. It was a somewhat enlightening read but not what I was expecting. Also there are a lot of typos in this write up. That said, I would like to read more stuff by Busola, I like that even though it touched on some quite sensitive issues, it was an easy read.

    please visit my blog. http://www.thelmathinks.blogspot.com

    • Newbie

      January 3, 2014 at 1:19 pm

      I thought I was the only one that thought – what has the topic got to do with what I have just read?

      And you are probably being polite by saying too many typos. Typos I can deal with – the article was littered with bad grammar – although I decided to ignore it and cut to the heart of what he had to day, of which sadly, there wasn’t much…

    • Ready

      January 3, 2014 at 5:31 pm

      This is where I’m at too. I think these lovely ladies created a much higher level discussion than the article engendered on its own merit.

  8. Iyke

    January 3, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    But you forgot that Black women are not really attracted to other races.Forget the 18s – 25yrs relationships that we see today between black and white races,fact remains that black ladies aren’t really attracted to whites or other races.It must also surprise you that other races aren’t attracted to Black ladies. So stick to your kind and like the author said, let your presence in his life reflect in his growth.

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 12:54 pm

      Correction in your last sentence, other races find black women very attractive, especially when you are a successful one for that matter. Black women not being attracted to other races is down more to culture and acceptance. Our parents don’t mind if a boy marries a white woman, but for the woman, they say no, you will get lost. Once black women get over those hurdles and realise your parents can’t dictate who you can love or marry, they are more open to men of other races. In the social strata that successful black women are, especially now, go check, many of them are married to men from other races because as Busola said, black men are scarce at their level. Just attended two weddings in December. 9ja babes and Americans. Both girls are succesful attorneys and one married an attorney with the other an investment banker. If you move in the circles Busola mentioned you will see it clearly. If you are at the level of the black men he is talking about, of course the women at that level are only marrying their kind. Plenty black men available. No offence to you.

    • AA

      January 3, 2014 at 7:28 pm

      Abeg don’t mind Iyke. This is the lie that black men love telling black women so that we can continue to take their sh**. Black women need to demand for better treatment. And if they won’t, well marry from another race

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 12:54 pm

      Correction in your last sentence, other races find black women very attractive, especially when you are a successful one for that matter. Black women not being attracted to other races is down more to culture and acceptance. Our parents don’t mind if a boy marries a white woman, but for the woman, they say no, you will get lost. Once black women get over those hurdles and realise your parents can’t dictate who you can love or marry, they are more open to men of other races. In the social strata that successful black women are, especially now, go check, many of them are married to men from other races because as Busola said, black men are scarce at their level. Just attended two weddings in December. 9ja babes and Americans. Both girls are succesful attorneys and one married an attorney with the other an investment banker. If you move in the circles Busola mentioned you will see it clearly. If you are at the level of the black men he is talking about, of course the women at that level are only marrying their kind. Plenty black men available. No offence to you.

    • Newbie

      January 3, 2014 at 1:46 pm

      @ Jane Public, I could e-kiss you for this comment. @Iyke,
      you wish. Keep on dreaming. When you wake up, don’t forget to smell
      the coffee.

    • Iyke

      January 3, 2014 at 3:20 pm

      I stand by my comment that other races are not attracted to
      blacks. Yes, we may find a few % percentage in relationships,but
      it’s not the norm. Last time I checked, Black MEN still rock. You
      don’t impress us by hanging out with Sujatha Rangarajan or Shawn
      Goodman.You know too well that all na wash….Stick to your kind
      ..decent smart brothers are everywhere.Make your presence count and
      stop forcing yourselves on those that don’t want you. ‘There are
      still good Black men around’ just like there are
      decent,smart,hardworking and family oriented Nigerian ladies out
      there who know that they are first and foremost, ‘WOMEN’ before
      being professionals.

    • Kia

      January 3, 2014 at 3:40 pm

      Well said!

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 3:53 pm

      and Iyke, how is the man making his presence count apart
      from what he has in between his legs. You keep mentioning that make
      your presence count while excusing the lack of progress your
      brothers have made. Make your presence count, oh, we have had it
      easier than black men. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Like @whocares
      said, what are you bringing to the table? Read her comment in
      response to the comment you left below. Nigerian women who remember
      that they are women first before professionals, so are the men also
      supposed to remember they are men first? If so why haven’t they
      been able to progress and move forward. The huge ego is seeping out
      slowly. It wasn’t the norm because black women felt they had to
      settle, no choice. Now there are options. It is now becoming the
      norm which is why I said earlier, what circles do you move in? Not
      to insult you but come on man, your level is showing. Stop
      attaching yourself to people that don’t want you. Really? A non
      black person cannot want a black woman, we are the one’s attaching
      ourselves to them. WOW. That kind of reasoning has no
      words.

    • Confuzzled

      January 3, 2014 at 6:56 pm

      @ Iyke, mouthpiece of the races, spokesMAN of black/African women worldwide, who knows us more than we know our own selves, who is endowed with authority to speak on our behalf, I SALUTE you!!

      Hissssssssssssssssss.

    • Que

      January 3, 2014 at 9:01 pm

      @Iyke….. for someone who often sounds intelligent…this ur statement here totally fell both my hands… ‘Last time I checked, Black MEN still rock. Youdon’t impress us by hanging out with Sujatha Rangarajan or ShawnGoodman.You know too well that all na wash….Stick to your kind..decent smart brothers are everywhere.Make your presence count andstop forcing yourselves on those that don’t want you. ‘……

      You’ve only validated some arguments here about your king, n are even strengthening the push towards interracial dating n marriage. You’re so typical! Maybe when blackmen learn to be supportive of their sisters without approaching their every word and action as unfounded competition, gingered by unnecessary pride… maybe then d trend will bend to your will…. if you have actually managed to convince yourself that every interracial marriage/rship with a black girl or woman is solely aimed at proving a non-existent point to your kind, as ‘…all na wash…’ as you put it…then brother I gotta break it to you… you’re beyond delusional! You think skin colour n country of origin make us one of a kind and therefore our only option to consider a future with???? Mr plssssss …. kilode! Did anyone say there aren’t stand up black men, ….but just as there r, there r caucasian men who r sweepin us off bit by bit, one truth doesn’t erase the other..if you’ve choeen to be in denial, how does dat make someone’s rship wash? . aren’t there a million naija wash wash weddings every year, yet pple still come here 2 tap blessings to be a part of the washing shirade….. plsssss MR find a seat n listen rather than contribute half baked nonsense!

    • Non professional opinion

      January 3, 2014 at 1:02 pm

      So if I see Joe Manganiello (Alcide from True Blood- Holla ladies, you know you love him) and he wants to profess eternal love for me, I should brush him off with ” black women are not attracted to other races….” Gotcha!
      That being said there is more to relationships than physical attraction. Some people are looking for someone to build a life with. Some and I said SOME black men with their infidelity issues, multiple baby mommas and stifling egos, make that difficult. If a woman thinks Ari,Aidan and Arun make a better match, who am I to judge.
      I’m married to a black man and I love him and all his imperfections as he does me, but I’m his wife not his nanny and if he was suffering from the chronic immaturity that seems to plague the black male in the west, I would probably run out of patience.

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 1:58 pm

      Oh Ma’m you just got me hot and bothered. Joe Manganiello, yum, yum, yum. Oh gosh this your statement “Some and I said SOME black men with their infidelity issues, multiple baby mommas and stifling egos, make that difficult. If a woman thinks Ari,Aidan and Arun make a better match, who am I to judge.” I am inviting you and @mslala for drinks.

    • ms lala

      January 4, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      oooooooh Joe…guuuuuuuuurl dont make me stalk him…cuz we both live in LA and i will hijack a car do a 360 and find joe…hmmm educated too he went to Mellon BFA ACTING…so u know he can afford to take a break and raise our babies together….dayyyyum

    • Que

      January 3, 2014 at 1:16 pm

      Which black women are you speaking for? U ‘ve certainly underestimated d power of the media in d last decade.. your observation was true for a certain period in history, n I had a similar mindset, that was until paul walker’s twin jumped off d screen n onto my street… brother, leave dat thing abeg! Just look around u well… based on my less-than-accurate statistics, more than half of d single expatriate men entering naija that leave married (and its not all street girl pickings), and half our sisters wey go find M.Sc remain there, who dem de marry? The truth is trends make d previously unappealing seem not so strange anymore n then likability grows… I’m trying to avoid an epistle jare… just update your research please. Cheers!

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 1:59 pm

      @Que, which street do you live on? Packing my bags straight away. Previously unappealing is now starting to make a whole lot of sense.

    • Que

      January 3, 2014 at 10:29 pm

      @Jane you’re most welcome pls..lol…

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      January 3, 2014 at 3:55 pm

      Iyke, your theory has been debunked by my current
      experience with caucasian men. And I’m not just refering to that
      young Portuguese lothario who still hasn’t declared his plans for
      me, others have been more open about asking me out on dates. The
      Caucasian brothers are very interested. I can only concede that
      maybe Asians aren’t as interested but I’m not really in a location
      where they feature dominantly so can’t say “yay” or “nay” on that
      front. And I will almost fully agree with you that single black
      women in their 30s aren’t really open to relationships with other
      races – fact is that if we were, we for don marry since. All of my
      galpals who made the switch had the same testimony because once
      they were open to entertaining oyibo brothers, na sharp-sharp dem
      take marry. We claim that they don’t stay in their marriages for as
      long as black men supposedly do but I have to give caucasian men
      points for generally not being terrified of commitment to one
      woman. In fact, dem dey quick to commit sef, many of them end up
      married to their girlfriends from late teens or early 20s. Which
      brings up a randomly interesting fact that I’ve noticed – all the
      single, white & above-30 year old men I’ve ever been
      propositioned by or seen my girls end up with are either divorced
      or were in a long-term relationship with a possible child… They,
      sha, like to be in love from an early age. As for the “stick to
      your kind” advice, bros, you should be sharing that advice with
      your fellow Black men because na dem start to dey look outside long
      before we considered it as a possibility.

    • Newbie

      January 3, 2014 at 5:57 pm

      I agree that for the most part, black women in their thirties and above tend to be attracted to black women; HOWEVER I submit that it is due to conditioning. We have been conditioned to think that way but thank God the younger generation are changing the game and freeing themselves from that mental slavery. it is a process and will continue to evolve.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      January 4, 2014 at 1:00 pm

      Newbie, true dat (re conditioning). It’s definitely something the younger ladies are able to shrug off a lot easier… Plus, a lot of parental perspectives are changing, which certainly aids that process.

  9. Newbie

    January 3, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    This article is all over the place, and I’m not even sure how the content ties in with the topic. First you say “…black women are at the bottom of the social strata. Most black women are educated and smart but usually struggle to find a mate that matches up to that standard that most successful black women have.” How incongruous. Then you continue “… I began to think of intelligent black women I know who are still single. “AND? Then, ” I do not see being single as a bad thing or disease. Being single does not make you less of a human being…. there are people who can be happily single if they choose to…. Even though black women cannot find partners…” So people can be happily single bla bla bla but sha your conclusion is that Black women cannot find partners, that’s why they’re single.

    Here’s another one “…It is a great thing to have a professional degree but I have come to a conclusion that not everyone would have one. Not everyone would become a doctor, lawyer, engineer or a social worker. Some people have to go a different path. The sad aspect is that you would struggle to move up in the economic ladder if you do not have professional degree.” Says who? What happened to entrepreneurship? And although you haven’t – and really should have made it clear from the start, you appear to be limiting your sample population to black people in the US. You will find that there are many routes to the top, education being only one of them. Entrepreneurship also works. You talk about professions, there are many educated people in non-professional jobs in the corporate world and public service, who are making their mark and making their money too. There are vocations (which are different from professions), through which a lot of people are making a living. Try calling out a qualified plumber in the UK and see how much it would set you back. Once upon a time many years ago I worked in a job where I had the chance to scrutinize the finances of small business owners. You’d be surprised who is smiling all the way to the bank and who’s not, between the lawyers, the accountants and the electricians. When you started on that tip I was hoping you were going to expound on how people could do better for themselves via the ‘different paths’ you mentioned.

    “Most organizations our parents probably belong to is more social than adding any value to their children.” Really? Those social networks that you look down upon as being merely owambe if you don’t know, have saved many black marriages and families. Be they social clubs, church organisations, kparakpo meetings, etc…People know they will be held to account by the community if they misbehave and so sometimes those associations act as checks and balances. People feel free to be themselves in those gatherings, children learn about their culture organically and have a sense of self, like they come from somewhere. This is not to say that these organisations don’t have their own heaps of wahala but that is not the point; no need to dismiss them as not adding value to children being raised abroad. If you only determine the value of a person by economic advancement – especially an ethnic minority person in a multicultural environment – then you are mistaken, sir.

    “We also need our women to dismiss the fantasy of having Mr. “Bankole.” Mr. “Bankole” is my metaphor for a man who is very successful and ready for marriage”. Dear sir, it is not a fantasy. Listen up boys, if you are not ready for marriage, please do not apply. What is wrong with women having an expectation that a man is successful and ready for marriage before coming to ask for her hand in marriage? Obviously, depending on what you term successful, ain’t nothing wrong with success. If you have a job that puts a roof over your head and your wife’s, puts food on your table and pays the bills, you are successful. A man should be able to do all that on his own, before seeking to marry anybody’s daughter. If she has a job and her own money (and I advise her to), even better. You can then work together from there to achieve your next levels and that is where some of the things you write about strong woman/strong man combination come in.

    I agree with you that [many] people feel threatened by black men and that Black women are [often] easier to reach out to than black men. Since we know this, and in fact have known it for a while, perhaps it’s time for black men who are still interested in getting into corporate life, public service and the professions in the Diaspora to change tactic to improve this perception. Like you said, entering into and maintaining solid marriages may be one way of doing that. You have to do what it takes, right?

    @Chic, even in my Nigerian circle of family, friends and acquaintances alone, I can count like half that number, poor simple me (and most of us are in London and the South East) – not to mention the wider Nigerian community, the remainder of the African community and the wider black community as a whole- in the UK as a whole including Scotland, Wales, N.I., the Midlands and the North of England. Let’s not knock ourselves too hard, jare.

    • ms lala

      January 3, 2014 at 1:24 pm

      UH HUH chiiiild….i see you tryna smuggle in an article as a comment…u not slick lol..you filled up the whole dang page…i wanna read your comment but you got paragraphs, semicolons, and full on sentences with verbs and adjvectives …i double space this sucker am seeing 4 pages minimum. next thing u know..u got us reading powerpoints and stuff

    • Newbie

      January 3, 2014 at 2:09 pm

      Imagine if there were no spaces, no paragraphs, no
      punctuation, nothing…..it would be one huge mumbo jumbo lol!
      Still, you get an ‘A’ for effort.

    • whocares

      January 3, 2014 at 2:20 pm

      lmaooooooo. smuggle. LOOOL.

    • Non professional opinion

      January 3, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      @mslala you have started the year on a very comedic note. Kudos!

    • larz

      January 6, 2014 at 6:04 pm

      Thanks newbie. I live in London n I agree with you. I have met some very successful men/ and heard of even more so in London. I say we are building new generations of successful middle class family who will breed n nurture kids with pedigree (private schools n all), develop strong network that will help create opportunities for our coming generation.

    • CoachC

      January 9, 2014 at 6:09 pm

      Newbie,
      You raise some very insightful and intelligent points. I am African-American with advanced degrees, and have been a mentor and life coach to both male and female mentees for the past 15 years. And I would be most honored to spend time learning life lessons from a successful, wise sista with a message in a mentoring capacity. Learning is something we should never stop doing. The path to success is fraught with obstacles, detours and setbacks, but the equalizing factor lies not in being able to run this race but doing so with endurance. I happen to be an attractive, well-traveled man of color, in a relationship with a woman of color by choice. I agree that there is nothing wrong with being single, however the desire to have children and start a career may be a motivation for some sistas to consider a broader pool of potential mates. I can only pray that such decision is a proactive, as opposed to reactive one. Like you, I read the responses and there are some who have responded out of frustration. But marriage was designed for permanency, a sacred partnership between two individuals who have made the choice to become one. Whatever problems exist in our relationships with other people of color will only be effectively addressed through self-reflection (Would I marry me?) and actually striving together as one people of color, unified . That is my mission– to bring people together, and be the best we possibly can. Because in the end of the day, I’m not anti-anybody. I just love and unapologetically support the advancement of goal-oriented, visionary people of color . Big-ups to Busola for opening the dialogue for critical thinking, self-reflection and dialogue!

  10. Aragon

    January 3, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Guess how many x the writer used d word “Black” in his short write-up? 40x. I counted at least 40 ‘black’s in this write-up. If the picture up there is that of the writer, then how come he revels in using such a derogatory term assigned to him by the powers that be to describe himself and other Africans.
    Dude, you are African. Nobody is white neither is anybody black. We need to help ourselves, people.

    • Newbie

      January 3, 2014 at 1:57 pm

      That debate will probably go on forever – whether we are
      black or brown or African or what not. In the context of what he
      had to discuss, it’s fair to say ‘black’ would suffice. I’m sure he
      doesn’t include white Africans or Africans of Indian origin or
      Arab-Africans in his observations and use of the word, so let him
      be.

    • Purpleicious Babe

      January 3, 2014 at 6:02 pm

      if only we refer to ourselves by our ethnic heritage not colour..that would be super duper awesome. I guess majority dont care.

      The article started great but it kinda got lost but got revived again and finally, I got the gist of the topic.x
      Am sure he will get better with time. keep it up.

  11. Iyke

    January 3, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    The painful thing about this situation is that most of our sisters have no idea about the challenges that we face trying to find our parts in a world that doesn’t trust us. Not everybody would be a professional as the writer stipulated.We are constantly trying to prove ourselves and to be honest, that’s a topic for another day. We are not going to sit around and complain how life has treated us unfairly ..we are not going to let excuses kill us…We will keep trying to be the best in our respective fields. We need our sisters to understand that your being at the top of your career is not that you didn’t work hard enough, it’s simply because the corporation feels safer having you there than us. That is not to say that we must give up, NO…someday, the cycle will change because I know that black men are powerful beyond measures.
    Per dating, ladies, please cut us some slacks ok. You have the freedom to date outside your race…..Your right, your choice. However, let your decision be for love and not because you think black men are not good enough. Quit looking for Mr. Bankole, and focus on the impact of your presence in our lives. Trust me, we are the best and YOU KNOW IT.
    The idea that blackmen are not good or not ambitious enough is hogwash. We are, and in the pursuit of an enlightened existence, we are trying our best to break that stereotype. Living an enlightened life is a deliberate choice we choose to give ourselves…knowing it will more than giveback to us… The best we could get from you is your support and a strong and positive presence in our lives. What the hell is wrong with you anyway…
    Get busy living…you’re running out of time people!!!!

    • Newbie

      January 3, 2014 at 2:07 pm

      Another subtle dig that black men use ….the
      black-ladies-are-on-top-because-they-don’t-trust-us dig. That’s
      just sour grapes, boys, grow up. What about the other white, asian,
      jewish and other men and women that were passed over before that
      position of responsibility was given to a black woman? Oh they
      don’t trust them too? Give honour to whom honour is due and it
      shall be well with you bro. Don’t hate. Celebrate.
      Emulate!

    • Iyke

      January 3, 2014 at 3:30 pm

      Trust me, we celebrate successful ladies and adore their achievements. It’s a joy to behold and We are happy for you.But you know what,that’s not really what we look for…..We become concerned when you let your achievements becloud who you really are in the first place ‘ A WOMAN’. I don’t expect to win this argument, but someday, you will understand that that it’s better to focus on giving yourself a skill that would make you ever so slightly more interesting and valuable to other people INSTEAD of focusing on something great that you’re going to make happen to you.Change your thinking and you will be fine.

    • Newbie

      January 3, 2014 at 5:48 pm

      @Iyke

      “…Trust me, we celebrate successful ladies and adore their achievements. It’s a joy to behold and We are happy for you.But you know what,that’s not really what we look for…..

      Who cares what you’re looking for?

      We become concerned when you let your achievements becloud who you really are in the first place ‘ A WOMAN’.

      By ‘concerned’ you really mean ‘threatened’. Anyway, where are your own achievements? I’d love to see brothers overflowing with so many achievements that it beclouds their own judgement. Let that be the headache that we have to deal with. It’s hard enough to deal with unambitious, egotistical non-achievers
      “…someday, you will understand that that it’s better to focus on giving yourself a skill that would make you ever so slightly more interesting and valuable to other people INSTEAD of focusing on something great that you’re going to make happen to you.Change your thinking and you will be fine.”

      You couldn’t be more empty and condescending if you tried. But like @Jane Public said, your levels are showing.

    • AA

      January 3, 2014 at 7:39 pm

      Iyke abeg shut up please. African men have such fragile egos that they can’t support a successful wife. They will always do their best to put her down and we are sick of it. Now we women demand better from you men. Either do better or move out of the way and allow sisters to marry men that will truly love and support them. You black men cheat too much!

    • whocares

      January 3, 2014 at 2:59 pm

      I actually get you to some extent, but you are fighting a
      losing battle mate. In this instance just speak for yourself. I
      havent dated much, infact I have had only one relationship in my
      life, but i have seen enough of what my mom and some other women in
      my life have gone through. so when they tell me “black men arent
      shit” i dare not argue with them. The ladies have a valid argument.
      What is a “good black man” bringing to the table that h wants to
      put the black woman on retain,that a good French, Spanish or Irish
      man cannot? That is the crux of the matter. The author hasnt
      outlined anything, neither have you.. why then should a good woman,
      who has met a good man wait for an african man? Your initial
      statement about african women being attracted to african men is
      hogwash.. you are attracted to who you know, and if you happen to
      work in a predominantly say white profession, that doesnt present
      you with chocolate options, you will fall for and probably marry a
      non black person, especially if the black men you meet end up being
      dicks. Trust me all it takes is a “me Tarzan, you Jane” sexist
      statement for me to walk away, and guess who is usually making
      them?

    • Iyke

      January 3, 2014 at 3:44 pm

      I understand that a child born in an environment where all
      that he/she is exposed to, will have a different opinion to this.
      My argument is with sisters who born/bred in naija, up to their
      late teens, now moved abroad for further studies or
      relocation,coming up with this ‘There are no good black men
      stuff’…and suddenly find Amitabh Bachchan and Chandni Bhagwanani
      too good to resist, just because they are professionals.That’s
      childish.A commenter said that ‘There are less drama in interracial
      marriage’,says who?It’s all fiction and fantasy.Stick to your
      race,but if it happens that you are only exposed to other races,all
      good,provided it’s true love,and not based on ‘There are no good
      men’ or Black men are not professionals.

    • Newbie

      January 3, 2014 at 5:23 pm

      Newsflash: This is 2014 and nobody, not even you @Iyke can
      dictate to anyone to “stick to your race”. Just like nobody will
      make me sit at the back of a bus in Atlanta, and I’m sure I will
      never come across a sign that says ‘No blacks, irish or dogs’
      infront of a London pub. People do have and will exercise
      preferences and sometimes, you will not be that preference. Deal
      with it.

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 4:07 pm

      “We become concerned when you let your achievements becloud
      who you really are in the first place ‘ A WOMAN’”. How
      condescending. Whatever a woman achieves, she must first be seen as
      a woman. How come our fellow women don’t have this attitude towards
      each other but only the men do. You guys become concerned, really?
      Our fellow women don’t become concerned, we still see each other as
      women and women who have done well for themselves. It is you guys
      who can’t see beyond a woman’s success and see the woman. Don’t
      excuse yourself. Everything has to be the woman’s fault. It is not
      one way. You guys are the one’s allowing success to becloud your
      judgement and it is mostly a fault with black men. It is not common
      to find a Caucasian male to make that kind of statement. Not
      common. I dind’t say impossible, I said not common. Like @whocares
      said “me Tarzan, you Jane, who makes that kind of staements the
      most”. It is mostly black men that are affected by a woman’s
      success that they make that kind of comment. In 2014, you still
      think like this. Check yourself Iyke, your ego is showing and it
      explains the black male problem ” it’s better to focus on giving
      yourself a skill that would make you ever so slightly more
      interesting (reaally, eyes rolling) and valuable to other people
      INSTEAD of focusing on something great that you’re going to make
      happen to you. Change your thinking and you will be fine.” Iyke,
      would you give that same advice to a man. I guess not. What skills
      please? We should be cleaners, tailors (even those ones are
      designers now making money. enter JBL, LDA etc), cooks, nursery
      school teachers.

  12. mary

    January 3, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    too many typos…way too many….bad English…put me off……

    • Idak

      January 3, 2014 at 2:00 pm

      The brief bio he has at the bottom does not tally with the piss poor article at the top.
      Leadership guru with such awful grasp of grammar.

    • whocares

      January 3, 2014 at 2:19 pm

      I agree. LOOOL. I had to read the article twice, and the
      second time i decided to stop trying to make sense of it, but to
      just go with him.

  13. whocares

    January 3, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    I dont know how I feel about this. Firstly because I dont
    get it. Are we talking relationships or finance? But I will trudge
    on all the same. The author has painted a picture of African women
    who have it easy, and probably do not work as hard as the African
    men to get to where they are because the system for some reason
    prefers them to their male counterparts because they are safer? is
    that it? I take serious offence to that. He discounts the fact that
    African women are extremely hardworkin and probably work harder
    than men because they have more to prove. I am a woman trying to
    enter the legal profession and every statistic i have studied tells
    me that i will get less pay than the men, and i will even be
    bypassed for promotion. So African men find it difficult because
    they lack black male mentors? so that’s the end of the world, and
    they cannot cosy up to other races and get their career going? Is
    the author concluding that African men turn to African women
    because they are climbing the economic ladder faster than men, and
    this will in turn lead to a stronger family? That is what i am
    getting from this, and all I can say to that is # “ikoyi husband”.
    Relationship wise I dont know. I am single and a professional but
    that is not because I have extremely high taste. I simply demand to
    be treated right, you could be a lawyer or a plumer.. be a decent
    person, and treat me well. If an African man can do it fine, if he
    cant I have no problem dating out of my race. I am certainly not
    going to turn down good people because I am waiting for my black
    knight now am I?

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 3:07 pm

      Lol @ikoyihusband. The responsibility falls on the woman
      again. Why can’t the man aim high so he is the one to pull the
      woman together to make a stronger family unit. I also find it
      insulting when men say it is easier for me to succeed because I am
      a black woman. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Copying @Newbie’s comment
      for future reference “Another subtle dig that black men use ….the
      black-ladies-are-on-top-because-they-don’t-trust-us dig. That’s
      just sour grapes, boys, grow up. What about the other white, asian,
      jewish and other men and women that were passed over before that
      position of responsibility was given to a black woman? Oh they
      don’t trust them too? Give honour to whom honour is due and it
      shall be well with you bro. Don’t hate. Celebrate.
      Emulate!”

  14. Remi

    January 3, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    I am still home in 9ja for the holidays and I showed this
    to my 2 male cousins who also happen to be around for xmas. We 3
    live in the US. The younger one agreed while the older one had the
    nerve to say it is the black women that black men don’t want that
    marry oyinbo. Can you imagine? He then said why is it that it is
    usually in their 30’s that these black women marry oyinbo while
    their younger ones in their 20’s are getting married to black men.
    I wanted to kick him. I then told him that it is stinging black men
    in the bum to know that we no longer consider them as the demi gods
    their mothers raised them to be. The successful black woman is
    telling herself she can do better and she doesn’t have to stand for
    less than desirable which is the crux of the matter. Marrying at
    30+ is irrelevant. See argument in my house now. The younger one is
    saying that black men should be ashamed that oyinbos are picking
    the cream of the crop, while what is left is what black men are
    marrying because that is what their level dictates. It just so
    happens that his girlfriend is Asian. Black women are standing up
    for themselves and saying we can do better. Black men should just
    grow up please. Some of us are tired of your shit. Watch Real
    Housewives of Atlanta. All the black men on the show are nothing to
    be proud of. Their women are doing the hustling while they enjoy
    the lifestyle.

    • Jane Public

      January 3, 2014 at 3:00 pm

      Your cousin said that it is the one’s that black men don’t
      want that are marrying oyinbos. You didn’t clonk him on the head.
      It is the reverse. It is the black men that women don’t want that
      makes them look outside of race. Yes it is sad that oyinbos are
      picking the cream of the crop of black women but what is a woman to
      do. Tell him that he is no longer that special. In Nigeria maybe he
      may still be seen as special but in the US, (I don’t know about
      other ocuntries in the West) we measure up and if he aint up to
      standard, to the left, to the left. Ask him how come all those
      successful black women don’t date him or why hasn’t he been able to
      marry one? Permit me to make a generalisation that his girlfriend
      is not some highflyer because I can smell his ego talking from
      thousands of miles away. It is really pinching him in the bum. Just
      like @iyke, blame the woman. She must be the one that something is
      wrong with. It is the women that black men don’t want that are
      marrying oyinbo indeed. Nonsense

  15. Remi

    January 3, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    I am still home in 9ja for the holidays and I showed this to my 2 male cousins who also happen to be around for xmas. We 3 live in the US. The younger one agreed while the older one had the nerve to say it is the black women that black men don’t want that marry oyinbo. Can you imagine? He then said why is it that it is usually in their 30’s that these black women marry oyinbo while their younger ones in their 20’s are getting married to black men. I wanted to kick him. I then told him that it is stinging black men in the bum to know that we no longer consider them as the demi gods their mothers raised them to be. The successful black woman is telling herself she can do better and she doesn’t have to stand for less than desirable which is the crux of the matter. Marrying at 30+ is irrelevant. See argument in my house now. The younger one is saying that black men should be ashamed that oyinbos are picking the cream of the crop, while what is left is what black men are marrying because that is what their level dictates. It just so happens that his girlfriend is Asian. Black women are standing up for themselves and saying we can do better. Black men should just grow up please. Some of us are tired of your shit. Watch Real Housewives of Atlanta. All the black men on the show are nothing to be proud of. Their women are doing the hustling while they enjoy the lifestyle.

  16. Orchids in May

    January 3, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    These comments cracked me up; funny, intelligent but true. At least you guys, have a pool to choose from in the States and have the choice to be “Columbus” in the words of a fellow commenter above. Can’t say the same for the UK, single professional educated black sisters- where are the men, biko?

  17. African Man

    January 3, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    Interesting topic Busola. I agree with you that society in this part of the world tends to stereotype the black male, and find us somewhat threatening and not relatable. I do not excuse their ignorance, but I find media (and the behaviour of many ‘brothas’ – and some ‘sistas’) largely to blame. I also won’t be quick to blame Nigerian parents for not having the network that certain other groups do. Remember they come from a time when if you got the education, your career path was almost paved for you. What many did was to ensure their kids got that education. Well, the western world employment place had a slight shift and is starting to resemble Nigeria.
    Finally, I don’t think a black man (or Nigerian man) needs a good black woman (or Nigerian woman) to thrive. I’m sorry but I disagree. I think a human being with a supportive partner of any race, gender, social or economic class would eventually progress. When you’re happy, it brings out the better in you…naturally.
    Happy New Year!

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      January 3, 2014 at 4:44 pm

      Okay, I got very distracted by all the discussions about
      interracial dating, which made me forget my intended comment about
      Nigerian parents and networking. I see where the writer was coming
      from, regarding our parents. I wasn’t the first lawyer produced in
      my family but this article made me suddenly realise that my dad’s
      sister, who’s also a lawyer, has never had any career-related
      discussions with me about this field. And she’s actively been in my
      life throughout Uni, Law School, etc. I think parents in the West
      are quicker to appreciate the benefits of networking, which they
      start from quite early-on in the child’s life. A work colleague of
      mine got her young teenage daughter an internship opportunity with
      the Scottish Parliament just by having a chat with a lady she met
      once and connecting the dots once the lady told her where she
      worked. My colleague’s daughter wants to study law in Uni and the
      admissions process can be very competitive so the connection was
      made in advance and they asked the lady for a favor when the time
      was right. Networking might be a little more straightforward for
      the western parents, because I know that ego & pride
      usually get in the way for Nigerian parents and I can’t say I blame
      them. Ours is a society where someone doing you a favor can quickly
      get blown out of proportion and you start to feel like you need to
      give them your firstborn child to repay the debt. So there could be
      more hesitancy for that reason. However, regardless of how good
      they had it when they left school or the amount of education
      they’ve invested in their children, I think the state of the
      employment market should be enough for Nigerian parents to quickly
      recognize that a casual connection can go a very long way in
      establishing their children professionally. It’s a potential
      goldmine they don’t pay enough attention to, which is a shame when
      you think that many of them were probably in Universities with or
      else, have repeated social interactions with some very prominent
      figures. It’s probably the question of “how to ask” that keeps many
      of them from establishing networks.

    • whocares

      January 3, 2014 at 5:00 pm

      Your concluding remark is exactly what I think. A good
      person is all you need.

    • Oluwabusola Adedire

      January 3, 2014 at 5:04 pm

      You are absolutely right!!

  18. Mrs Nwosu

    January 3, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    Gbam

  19. Mmadu (somebody)

    January 3, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    I may be wrong, but I get the funny feeling that the author
    is trying to make a case for black men and towards the end of the
    article, he seems to be, indirectly, pleading with black women to
    “pity” black men and marry them to make them stable etc with the
    last two lines, “A good man just needs a little hand. The presence
    of good woman in a man’s life should never be underestimated.”
    Hmm… that is a tall order and a black man agreeing to marry a
    black lady lady who is financially more stable than he is, is an
    even taller order. I do not live in the USA, but the scenario is
    not much different back home. Busola Obayomi, I am tired of hearing
    messages like the one you just presented. I understand the odds the
    black man (I do not like that term) is up against and also that our
    high achiever-black sisters do not help the matter with their
    accomplishments either, but I must ask, why do black men feel
    intimidated by a successful black woman? It doesn’t help at all if
    that successful lady is his wife and he seems to trailing in her
    shadows. As for me, I want to see a man- any man- who can hold his
    own and stand confidently even when he is up against something
    (seemingly) bigger than he. Black brothers, buck up! Pity never got
    anyone that far, so don’t ask for it. Should I lower my standard
    just because some brother feels uncomfortable? I don’t think so. I
    set my sights high, you should, too. So, BUCK UP!

    • Oluwabusola Adedire

      January 3, 2014 at 5:29 pm

      Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have preached. The main issue here is
      over-inflated egos and intimidation, which is sad. Personally, I
      believe these have traits have a great deal of cultural influence,
      but that is another topic for another day. A good man is a good
      man, and a good woman is a good woman. Define your values, and find
      what suits you.. but remember, you cannot have it all.

    • Oluwabusola Adedire

      January 3, 2014 at 6:03 pm

      *Personally, I believe these traits have a great deal of cultural influence, but that is another topic for another day. *

  20. Ochuwa

    January 3, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    I love your write up…. Jane public just finished the
    article well with her addition. Nice girl

  21. Dr. N

    January 3, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    Yes, Mmadu, you got his point. This is actually a cry for
    help from brothers, so I’ll ignore his other insinuations. Here are
    some reasons women move up faster: We are articulate, humble,
    confident, hardworking, and patient. Attend the average job
    interview, the ladies will be smartly dressed, confident, able to
    make eye contact with the interviewer and speak clearly in good
    English. Some of the men turn up with ill fitting suits, sagging
    pants, unkempt hair, stuttering apologetically. Who would you
    employ? On the job, the job, women go the extra mile, accept
    correction graciously, treat the boss with respect, remember his
    birthday, etc. The guys argue loudly, forget assignments, and so
    on. Do you blame them? They are the sons our mothers prayed to have
    to consolidate their positions in the marriage. We have always had
    to prove ourselves. I actually knew a doctor who always sagged his
    pants. When the nurses gave him lip, he wondered why, but would not
    accept my theory. He was bright, but………Are u whizkid? Drawing
    tattoos on your face, wearing dreads, yet you can’t rap! If you
    want to succeed, take a cue from your sisters. Get help with your
    appearance, a diction and speaking coach, learn t o swallow your
    pride. Thank God men no longer believe we use bottom power. Lol.
    Those were the days. http://www.drnsmusings.wordpress.com

    • Newbie

      January 3, 2014 at 6:08 pm

      Preach!

    • Idak

      January 3, 2014 at 6:55 pm

      Kindly confirm that you do not believe the generalizations
      you just listed up there? If I was to draw sweeping generalizations
      about womanhood based on a few lousy females I have encountered, I
      would have turned gay by now but I am remain a firm believer in
      womanhood and have awesome testimonies in the process.

    • Dr. N

      January 3, 2014 at 11:27 pm

      This is in response to the author’s statement “I see many black women progressing and the men are struggling”. Overall, ladies are yet to attain the highest positions. Just a friendly advice for the men longing to move up

  22. ivy

    January 3, 2014 at 5:18 pm

    Why do black women have to marry black men and vice versa.
    You marry who you fall in love with not their colour. However, for
    Black women who marry other races just make sure your children are
    brought up with a bit of Nigerian values that way they still have a
    link to African culture and can think of moving back home in the
    future too contribute to Nigeria’s progress. (Finito). If not
    please marry who you love. At least Oyibo men are kind enough to
    break up with you when they are no longer interested. Unlike our
    brothers and their polygamous and cheating ways.

  23. Oluwabusola Adedire

    January 3, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    *Personally, I believe these traits have a great deal of cultural influence, but that is another topic for another day. *

  24. Bishop

    January 3, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    Confused ladies….Jane public, Remi and Co……..Mtcheewww

    • ms lala

      January 3, 2014 at 7:08 pm

      confused? you wish…..keep hating over yonder…bishop abi
      pope whatever the name is…we know what we know…we see Brian and
      Jason with the blue eyes staring at us , supporting us and showing
      respect and self ambition so we are going to stare back and let the
      sparks fly….sit down there and watch me and my jane public
      produce “curly haired biracal children” lol #bishbegone

    • Eve82

      January 3, 2014 at 8:11 pm

      Lol! Ms Lala y’all need to invite me to that cocktail.

  25. didi

    January 3, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    Ifblack women started dating white men and it became new fashion, especially us with big nyash, black men will commit suicide. But u know something Jane, u have given me ideas. 2014 I will strongly consider non agricans, preferably cubansor caucasians. But the problem is they are always intimidated to approach thanks to reality tv protrayal of blacks (attitude of nene or kenya moore will scare any white man). Akatas r not representation of all black women but unfortunately its their bad attitudes that scare men away. I admire interracial couple on youtube call Gabe and Babe, if I find an oyinbo like Babe I will marry cos hes so nice, open minded and down to earth (as mostly seen with oyinbo americans who have been in the army and travel the world which gave them great exposure to be open minded)

    • Idak

      January 3, 2014 at 6:45 pm

      On the most serious note, I will be in the front queue of that suicide line. Who wants hips that lie?
      I beg,African backside for African men!!
      *covers face and runs away*

    • SNAGGLE TOOTH

      January 3, 2014 at 6:48 pm

      Puhlease I dont like the insults on Black men or African men what is in a relationship between two adults that will make black men commit suicide? And big “nyansh” is out of style among educated professional black men. Can I take my big nyansh black wife to United Nations conferences. Or maybe my wife’s big nyansh can negotiate and network for me. I don’t admire any relationship people have on youtube or real life not even Barack or Michelle. Different strokes for Different folks. Nigerian women have always dated and married whites, Ben Bruce, JJ rawlings, and their like have been around for centuries. Black men didn’t kill themselves then whats different now?

  26. Simsi

    January 3, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    Great comments

  27. nene

    January 3, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    i’m sorry to the black girls here but black women have been rated as most unattractive by other races, time and time again. just because a white person in ur office or school dates u, doesn’t mean they love you. i have dated every race, except asians, and it was fun, but i will still marry a black man (no african american for me) anyday, but if i don’t get one, i’ll settle for a non african. these oyinbo men like osho free, just sex and they’ll treat you well, but the love is short-lived and they cheat at an alarming rate, but they are nice to you while cheating (no witchcraft or charms involved) i’m not saying this to dampen your moods because it’s just a freaking survey but if you’re not as light as beyonce (which is why many women are bleaching) or you don’t have money, you end up settling for any race that comes your way or you become a baby mama. on another note, this article has absolutely nothing to do with interracial relationships though.

    • ms lala

      January 3, 2014 at 7:13 pm

      THESE WHITE MEN AND FOREIGN MEN FALL INLOVE NOT WITH BEAUTY
      AND SKIN COLOUR BUT PERSONALITY AND HEART…AND MOST WHITE MEN WHO
      MARRY BLACK WOMEN GO FOR THE DARKER COLOURED WOMEN…the BLACKER
      THE AMALA THE SWEETER THE EWEDU!!!!!!!!!!

    • AA

      January 3, 2014 at 7:46 pm

      You lie nene! You lie big time! Most of my female cousins are married to white guys and they are happy

    • Idak

      January 3, 2014 at 8:22 pm

      Most of my sisters are married to Nigerian men and they are probably happier than your sisters who are married to whites. They regularly thank God for their Nigerian men.

    • Idak

      January 5, 2014 at 10:57 pm

      @Jane Public, I had you in mind when i typed that,hence the use of “probably”. That minimizes the seeming generalization 🙂

    • Jane Public

      January 4, 2014 at 1:38 pm

      Now now Idak, who is generalising now. Probably happier is a generalisation too you know.

  28. AA

    January 3, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    African men, start supporting and loving your wives. Stop keeping mistresses, stop putting your wives down, do better cause as you can see, black women are not willing to take your crap anymore.

    • Idak

      January 3, 2014 at 8:19 pm

      Amen to your prayer but I still insist that these crimes or vices are not exclusive to African men. Women should not take crap from anyone,irrespective of race. Neither should men take same from women.

    • AA

      January 3, 2014 at 9:13 pm

      Amen! You are right!

  29. SNAGGLE TOOTH

    January 3, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    The comments are at best funny and shameful, “curly haired biracial children with blue eyed white men” If these same “curly haired biracial daughters” of yours win Nigerian beauty pageant over black darker nigerian girls at every pageant una go talk am full “its only cause shes half caste, shes not pretty just light skin, or why must we only use half caste girls to win they don’t represent the average Nigerian girl”. The Hypocrisy of some Nigerians is alarming!

    Personally, I cannot relate to any of this because my parents both come from somewhat wealthy backgrounds both of them were sent to America and UK for Uni. My sisters married Nigerian men from wealthy backgrounds or at least worked hard to attain it, as well majority of my cousins. The few who did marry outside Nigerian community are successful but still irrelevant abroad and in Nigeria.

    I don’t need a Black woman to be successful, but I do need one- who is of the same BACKGROUND as me for my future generations. reading these comments just reminds me why it is IMPORTANT to marry into like minded Nigerian or African families. DANGOTE, DANTATA, Alakija, Otedola, Folawiyo, dey marry and create dynasty Naija families for Yankee dey crumble son oyibo wife for green card, daughter oyibo man for mixed race children. Who really is the “Akata” between Nigerian Americans and Black Americans?

    • whocares

      January 3, 2014 at 9:55 pm

      you must have felt so righteous typing this out. Confident in your knowledge of who the real hypocrites are. lool. Did any one say the sole reason they would marry a non african was for the babies? No. They simply expressed their opinion that if the african man did not step up his game and treat them right, they would look elsewhere.. elsewhere in this case being other races. A consequence of that will be yes, curly haired blue eyed babies. Don’t misrepresent the arguments that have been presented here to make your point. They did not in any way insinuate that the sole reason for the interracial relationship would be for “pali” aka green card, or pretty babies.

    • SNAGGLE TOOTH

      January 3, 2014 at 11:00 pm

      Naw I only addressed that certain comment, some people marry non- Nigerian or whites for different reasons, like Nigerian men who marry women who are white Asian and what ever. Neither did I say “pretty mixed” babies na your own insecurities dey show. My only point is date who you want but don’t name Nigerian men not measuring up to justify your reason for liking a white guy, there are just some great white guys who babes like. The same way I tell Nigerian guys esp the younger ones, dont down talk naija babes as a reason to date Latinas, Asians, White chicks – dating outside naija or black should not be a reason to bash another gender. If I date a Latina or asian babes its because that’s who I like not because Nigerian girls are not beautiful enough or whatever

    • KokoDee

      January 3, 2014 at 10:52 pm

      GBAM!!Co-sign

  30. Bide

    January 3, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    Yay,See Busola oo…Finally an article from someone i know….Goes back to read comment..

  31. Nkechi!

    January 3, 2014 at 9:31 pm

    Snaggle tooth…huh? you are anti biracial relationships because you feel we should love our ‘own’ and not necessrily to have blue eyed kids and all (for the reasons you mentioned)…but your definition of our ‘own’ is based on social background/’like-mindedness’ to maintain social strata and all?…..who are making the same decision as the person you listed above,, but for different reasons ( at the end of the day, both decisions are made based on insecurity, and the need to maintain a certain look or lifestyle, which you do not think you can attain on your own or at least, with the help of a regular person who is neiher white nor ‘wealthy’) You are both the hypocrite and akata.

  32. Voltaire

    January 3, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    I don’t think Nigerian women have had any inhibitions dating outside their race. Our problem is more tribe than race. It’s mostly a black American woman thing to feel they have sole possession of their men hence their annoyance when these men date out. I doubt the caribbean black female diaspora has this chocolote or nothing sensibilities like our black American sisters. And since America is the face of the world most cultures think we all have these same attitudes like our counterparts in America. I don’t believe Nigerian men must marry us. It’s people with low pool of mates would think this way. Please don’t let that black American female approach seep into our community that you must marry based on your skin color. Their only identity they can hold on to is their color. Our identity is not color. We have our ethnic groups. I don’t believe in all these black race crap. Reducing our lineage to color is pathetic. Americans have totally wiped out their ethnicities hence their reliance on something as inconsequential as color.

  33. Dr. N

    January 3, 2014 at 11:04 pm

    Hahaha! Idak, I apologize for not emphasizing that my comments refer to SOME men. I happen to be married to a man who’s the exact opposite. Lol. But you will agree with me that when a woman performs poorly no one expects better. Afterall, she can always find a man to marry her. Men can’t refuse to step up their game though. Not if they want the kind of ladies at the top of their game

  34. SNAGGLE TOOTH

    January 3, 2014 at 11:21 pm

    @ Nkechi umm there is nothing in my post that said anti-biracial relationship,I only highlighted the hypocrisy of some ladies.

    When I say Own, I mean “Own” for me, that doesn’t mean for everyone else, If you look at my comment I stated clearly it reminded me (myself and I) why I should marry into like minded families Preferably Nigerian or African. I mentioned that because to be honest I just don’t see these problems with Nigerians from “Decent” backgrounds who want to create lasting family unions beyond “husband-wife” . Certainly not lack of Good men or Good women. If a Nigerian women has worked all her life to attain financial success and that makes her head swell putting off broke Nigerian men, usually its because her dad is a loser who did not help her along the way. If a Nigerian man has 3 baby mamas, no education, no good job, is lazy and that’s the norm among his friends, its usually because he’s not from a good family. Sounds harsh but true. My sisters all got married around ages 27-30(5 of them) to Nigerian men who are the “Mr Bankoles” in Naija and Yankee. What may work for my family may not work for others….. so that lack of naija guys who measure up is crap.

    • Eve82

      January 4, 2014 at 8:31 am

      Dude calm down, it is not that serious! We are just sharing our different opinions.

    • Newbie

      January 4, 2014 at 11:45 am

      Anyone from a decent background can make a marriage work – they do not
      necessarily have to be Nigerian. So can anyone from a non-decent background; agreed that background can be a factor in how someone conducts personal relationships
      (marriage included), however it is not uncommon to find individuals shedding the influence from their backgrounds and charting a completely different course for themselves.
      This goes both ways – decent to non decent, non decent to decent . It strikes me, ST, that your definition of ‘decent’ is wealth. This is at best naive and at worst ridiculous. Money maketh not the man. This is NOT to encourage laziness and mediocrity, but just to point out that even people from wealthy families can make lousy marriage partners – in fact, worse, thanks to the entitlement mentality that sometimes manifests. Still, congratulations to your five
      sisters, I’m sure they are exceedingly happy in their marriages and don’t have to worry about a thing.
      Isn’t it telling that (supposedly) wealthy or not, your average Nigerian black brother has the same mentality i.e if a woman is successful then what she has is not confidence, it’s conceit? Why oh why can some of you not deal with successful, confident women? In fact,
      forget to-be-or-not-to-be; THAT, IS THE QUESTION! In your case, ST, it is compounded by a clear non-appreciation for hard work because you put it down to her dad not helping
      along the way. So anyone who doesn’t have a wealthy dad ( hey, what about mums?) should not bother, eh? SMH

    • Jane Public

      January 4, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      To call someone’s father a loser just because they are not wealthy is as trashy as trashy comes. You say you come from wealth, but obviously money can’t buy class or good manners. So, your family comes from wealth and that doesn’t make your dad a Loser. Newsflash bro, he probably is. Ask your mum how many girlfriends, mistresses and possibly lovechilds which you may or may not know about that she has had to deal with in their marriage. Money doesn’t equate anyone above the term of losers. Ask your sisters, how many mistresses and girlfriends they are dealing with too. Before you call someone who is not wealthy a loser, think again and wonder what your criteria is.
      Same thing with your term Decent. Money doesn’t afford you the term decent. I have met many Mr Bankole’s that I won’t even allow my enemies daughter to marry because they are as jerks as jerks comes. I have also met many Mr Bankoles that are good men. Same way I have met many not so wealthy people who are decent, and some who are not. Money doesn’t afford you the luxury of a good character. In many cases, it is quite the opposite. I won’t even bother calling you out on the other statements that you made because your perceptions on just those two statements that you made shows your level of reasoning and what you attach importance on, so there is no need calling you out on those ones. Descending to your level of mental reasoning is not worth the energy it will take to type

  35. freda

    January 4, 2014 at 3:36 am

    great comments and positive criticism here…thumps up everyone and writer too….. its good to know we have people with their thinking caps on in Naija…. my own opinion is whatever works for you make it work! Different strokes for different folks the most important aspect in life is to live happily,impact other lives too and fulfilled . Happy new year !

  36. African Man

    January 4, 2014 at 4:59 am

    You people are really enjoying this topic sha…just going after each other anyhow! Kilode? Makes sense since it touches on some of our favourite Nigerian topics under the sun – career, social class (all money at the end of the day), and marriage. The only missing ingredient is light skin vs. dark skin, which I guess has been trumped by the blacks vs. non-blacks aspect of the article.
    On a more serious note on the partnering and mating topic, this does not appear to be a black or Nigerian-American problem. Successful women today (of all races and nationalities) seem to be facing this male compatibility problem, though to different degrees. Nigerians abroad think there’s a shortage because they’re abroad, but what about the ladies in Nigeria? They are facing the same issues. The grass is always greener on the other side isn’t it? I’m no expert on this topic, but I think the problem is a generational one. Very quickly, in the Nigerian context – 1. The fact that societal and financial equality between the sexes has narrowed (dare I say women are almost faring better) and 2. The disappearance of polygamy as a lifestyle befitting of the modern African. Consider these two general reasons and it’s not so difficult to see why a ‘shortage’ exists. If I had to break it down any further, I would end up writing a thesis 🙂

  37. Wale

    January 4, 2014 at 11:50 am

    Marriage and relationships, two topics that are sure to garner comments. My solution to the ever present “finding a good partner” problem that seems to cut across all race,cultures and countries is to UNMARRY! Let us all work towards never getting married and live freely without religious and cultural expections. I am sure this will relieve many,many women of their stress. Happy New Year! Be Free, Be Happy!

    • that crazy chick

      January 5, 2014 at 8:55 am

      my tots exactly

  38. izzi laif

    January 4, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    ………after all this grammar, please any one with useful links as to where i can find “Mr Bankole” ?…..Thanks

  39. SNAGGLE TOOTH

    January 4, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    @Jane and Newbie, I don’t know if you guys read what I said But i specifically stated different strokes for different folks. All that money miss road, trashy this and that is nonsense. It has no affect on me, I only wanted to address the notion that some of you made about naija guys have different baby mamas, and are not at specific levels academically or career wise. In my experience that isn’t true, If you are dating men or specifically meeting Nigerian men who do not measure up its your circle of Nigerians you associate with. In my opinion it has to deal with family backgrounds.

    “Decent” doesn’t mean wealthy but it does mean educated and career and FAMILY orientated TO ME. You both have your standards and conditions for picking mates – level of education, career, family background @JANE did you not state Nigerian families can be more drama ? Why is it a problem if I judge Nigerian women by the same requirements- her education career, HER fathers, Her mothers and siblings? The double standard is appalling. We all choose mates based on our own requirements, the only difference between my own and yours is -mine pertains to finding a Nigerian/African female who comes from a similar background to me, while yours doesn’t. All the other mistresses and side chicks talk is irrelevant, not all Nigerian men keep mistresses. I know both my parents were raised in two parent homes- no baby mamas, 2nd or 3rd wives- we see the value in monogamous marriages and how risky having mistresses can be. If having mistresses and side children is what you experienced have with Nigerian men….. Blame your family background. Cause that’s just not the experience I received growing…. like I said before different things work for different people or families.

    • Jane Public

      January 4, 2014 at 5:12 pm

      It is not nonsense I’m afraid because you directly compared a father who doesn’t have money to a loser. That says a lot about who you are. It is quite snobbish of you to say only those who date or are meeting Nigerian men bla bla bla is based on the circles they move in. Just because you are wealthy doesn’t mean you only move in certain circles. You are probably rich and not wealthy. People mistake those 2. It has nothing to do with family backgrounds. There are loads of people male and female white, black, asians, mexican etc who associate with people who are not necessarily from the same family backgrounds even to the point of marrying them. If you don’t, you have missed out on a balanced view of things which explains why your thinking is narrow minded and shallow. No offence but with your comments, you are just showing yourself up and you are not coming out looking pretty. If you looked at the list of guests personally invited by Prince William at his wedding then you will know those who truly come from wealth from the money miss road. If someone at that level can be so open and accommodating of everybody, please who are you? Some Nigerian nobody who thinks his family has money, and we all know where the source of money of most Nigerian families with money comes from, let me not even go into that, discussion for another post.
      What double standard? Do you even know what those words mean? All that talk of side chicks and mistresses is not irrelevant. Come on man, Irrelevant, Really? Your parents were raised in 2 parent homes doesn’t mean jack as far as infidelity is concerned, especially in the Nigerian context. Your mother stayed for reasons best known to her, and that applies to your grandmother too and so on. If i start to mention the families of well known moneyed crowd, even the names you mentioned in an earlier comment, which you called them decent or families to marry into made me laugh at your shallowness because all you’ve equated them in terms of importance is their money and connections.
      If I start listing, it will reveal who I am, plus BN may not publish my comment. Baby mama’s and mistresses, plus side chicks is very well evident in those families, and these are the names you put on a pedestal like anyone should be proud of being one of them. “If having mistresses and side children is what you experienced have with Nigerian men….. Blame your family background. “. The T’s, The D’s, The A’s, The G’s, may I go on? Their family background is full of what you are saying those who are experiencing it, blame their family background. All you see is the money and nothing else. So, before you lift up family background like it is the holy grail to a decent man/woman, think again.
      Their sons, I will not advice my enemies daughter to marry because the homes they come from is not worthy of emulation, even the money too because we know its source. You obviously have a tad bit naive view on things. I say go ask your mum, go ask your sisters before you talk about something you don’t know, or you probably know but for the sake of argument, you are typing out the reverse. What you experienced growing up, take off the rose tinted glasses my dear and welcome to the real world

    • Non professional opinion

      January 4, 2014 at 5:57 pm

      @janepublic. When @snaggletooth mentioned those names I doubted if he is even middle class talk less of the aristo he is forming. It shows a definite lack of knowledge about “our society” to hold those names up as paragons. In some cases, even the money is not sure. As you said, no be here we go talk am.

    • Que

      January 4, 2014 at 8:56 pm

      @jane, all I need do is cosign. Thx 4 taking the time to type.

    • KA

      January 4, 2014 at 9:10 pm

      Jane Public is the BEST.COM . ORG. GOV . ALL OF THE ABOVE. Every comment was on point, especially this last one. Ha, see this pompous fool. ” my family this, wealthy that” BS can get you around in naija but NOT here honey.

      Please Jane , I want to be invited to this get together you are having.

    • Newbie

      January 4, 2014 at 10:31 pm

      Thanks for responding @jane. You seem to be reading my mind lol

  40. snaggle tooth

    January 4, 2014 at 7:58 pm

    @non If it makes you feel better I’m whatever you want me to be. Who’s forming I’m a regular guy, I didn’t put those names on pedestal I simply stated that not all Nigerians abroad or back home encounter the same problems Black americans encounter. If that’s her experience she should blame parents for not exposing her to other nigerians abroad who are educated career and family oriented.

    @JANE In all my point is before any naija chick says naija guys do not measure up, please refer back to the naija guys in their own family. Is your own father educated, does he himself have a Degree, did your father network and make connections to other business oriented people when he was in college? Naija chicks saying naija guys don’t measure up to the same requirements, their own father sef no reach is ridiculous and hypocritical. I’m not elitist or anything I’m just saying I hold nigerian women up to the standards their own father attained. Don’t hold men to a certain requirement if your fathers uncles and brothers have failed To attain in yankee

    • Que

      January 4, 2014 at 9:06 pm

      Ok snaggle tooth, I am really understanding you with each response you give….. so lets assume my father was a no good drunkard, rapist and abuser who didn’t care to provide for or support his family, and by chance or my mother’s effort, I made sure to excel at school, win scholarships thru some of the best global institutions, n start working n progressing far beyond what my background would have confined me to…then I start looking at mates to align my life with for marriage, I should be ok with him being like d father whose lifestyle choices I have being opportuned to not let strangulate my own chances in life??…. you are some hella smart child….hella foolish too!

    • Que

      January 4, 2014 at 9:18 pm

      I didn’t finish.

      I can only leave you with MLK’s words which came into my head as I read your words. “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin (differentiating attribute not fully depicting of the person), but by the content of their character…”

      CHARACTER…what you think, say and do…what you become by the choices YOU make, not the choices your family conditions you to make or yet still make for you! I hope ur well educated n circled mind will focus on d meaning of that message n not settle on just its literal translation. Goodnight.

    • KA

      January 4, 2014 at 9:16 pm

      Oh so now you are a regular guy????? Interesting!!!!! Your last comment didnt make any sense. Most first generation Nigerian Americans or immigrants coming to the states, strive to be better than their parents and do so. SO LOOKING AT THEIR PARENTS DOESNT MAKE SENSE AT ALL.

    • Newbie

      January 4, 2014 at 10:22 pm

      Let me teach you a rule of thumb, ST – when you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
      In case you’re not aware, The dream of most parents is to ensure their offspring do better than they did, so comparing a lady’s choice of mate with her father and by extension, her father’s generation, shows you up big time! FYI, 90% of my generation have degrees and many of us hold postgraduate degrees and above; yet most of our parents did not have degrees. In their time, you came out of secondary school, and a job for life was waiting for you. You rose through the ranks, married if you wanted to, raised your family and gave them better than you had. Some went to university alright. Some finished, others didn’t. My dad would tell stories of chaps that came to England with them in the 60s and 70s to study, and ended up with some hippie band. Some blew their school fees on women and wine. Some simply could not hack it. So it wasn’t that they didn’t come from ‘decent’ homes or that their parents did not try to ‘help them’, they just chose their own path.
      In the end, bros, it is character that makes a man/woman. It is free and available to everyone. Sometimes you have it instilled in you from family background; sosmetimes you pick it up along the way thanks to the choices you make and the associations you make. Education is good; money buys you the comforts of life- who doesn’t like those?; character, integrity, a strong work ethic, morality and, mutual respect are the key ingredients that would attract a woman to a man, NOT which family they come from, unless they are just as fickle as you sound.

    • Jane Public

      January 4, 2014 at 10:39 pm

      @Que, you have answered him fully. The depth of his understanding is really scraping the barrel, and this is someone who says his family comes from wealth. Such a huge big shame. All that education and faux class he thinks he has counts for nothing. Because a woman comes form a poor background, that should be the standard to which she measures guys. #faintswakesupandfaintsagain. Were you dropped on your head as a child or were your born stupid? Which one

    • Jane Public

      January 4, 2014 at 11:01 pm

      Kate Middleton’s great-grandfather was a miner, her grandfather did a little better than him, Kate’s father Mike was a pilot before he became a millionaire with their Party business, now she is married to the 2nd in line to the throne. Based on your inane argument, she had no business aspiring to be with a man who would be the King of England because her father was not even up to the standard of the men in the Royal family. Right? I get how you think now. Thankfully people who are truly great, and from impeccable family backgrounds, that can be worthy of emulation or you should want to be married into don’t think like that. Phew. The less of you around the better. Marry your kind please.

    • Jane Public

      January 4, 2014 at 11:21 pm

      Kate Middleton’s mom too, should I go into her family background too, her father and her brothers? She was an air stewardess, according to your line of reasoning, I really shouldn’t be calling it reasoning because there is no reasoning there. According to you, she had no business complaining about the men around her, or aspiring to do better, after all the men in her family, her father and brother are not at that level. She did well for herself, married a pilot (way better than the men in her family) and together they built a multi million dollar business which gave them the lifestyle and income to send their daughters and the other two to private school and all that, where she met Prince William and the rest is history. You see why women aspire to their level or even better? Family background should not chain you to your choice of partners. Kate’s mama did well for herself, Kate even hit the proverbial jackpot. If the world worked like you say, Kate’s mama should have married a plumber and Kate too probably would have ended up with a bricklayer. As you said, you will check a woman’s background and see if her father and the men in her family match up to you, otherwise she is not worthy of you, or she has no right to be expecting someone like you to be with her. That kind of thinking makes you not worth of anyone. Some mothers do have them. Gosh, to think you are so full of yourself and your family background. I kind of wonder what kind of family raised a man like you. I shudder at the thought.

    • c'est moi

      January 7, 2014 at 4:12 pm

      oo dawling, you are sad. i really wasn’t going to comment, just read through and smile but hey, you got me to. you know what i call boys like you? ‘new generation boyfriends with big ego and no brains. the minute you reduce or magnify a woman to where she comes from, her family name and all what not, ignoring who she really is, her strengths, potential and achievements, you show how shallow and short sighted you really are. you should get some education, mind you, education is not just the formal school degree i’m sure you have interpreted that to mean. like my mum says, to have a degree isn’t same as having standard sense. be wise.

  41. Bedazzled

    January 4, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    After reading all the above comments, I can conclude that African women need to redefine what they look for in a husband. For me, this should be more of finding a good man. While some are lucky to find a good “black” man, a good man for some others could be non “black”.

  42. snaggle tooth

    January 5, 2014 at 12:26 am

    @ KA SORRY No one is being pompous I’m here in america right now , like thousand of nigerians who’s parents live in nigeria!

    I don’t know why women choose what standards are allowed but when a guy asks a babe “what of your father?” It turns into this type of argument. Its pretty simple.

    @que I know nigerians who have succeeded without much help from parents but the sensible ones will most likely keep shut and not ask for requirements in a partner their own parents/fathers lacked.

    Its easy for the above women to say certain naija guys are not measuring up but WHEN ITS DIRECTED AT THEIR FATHERS UNCLES and BROTHERS as not measuring up, not being successful or lazy they get all sensitive. If nigerian women in us or uk or canada really wanted to succeed start within your own family.

    I Apologize . I don’t mean to sound arrogant. But these nigerian boys who fall behind are not aliens they are products of the “kind” of males in their lives or lack of so any beef with naija guys should start with your brothers who are trouble some, your dad who is lazy and cheating, or your uncles who are yahoo yahoo boys. In our family I’m blessed with nigerian women who tell their brothers husbands, nephews the truth to better them not collect degree get on bellanaija and talk like “naija niggas aint sh-t, I need a white man” LOL. We not black americans !!!

    • Que

      January 5, 2014 at 5:03 pm

      By your calculation then, d fights of people like nelson mandela n MLK n d rest was absolutely pointless…. I mean whats d point fighting for freedom frm slavery when all ur father knew was the specific plantation he cultivated through sunshine, rains n whips… frm b4 u were born #nopointreachingforbetter… how can you say babes get sensitive when reference is made to their fathers et al in this regard, when d babes u supposedly know r ones with clean family backgrounds tied to fellow legacy driven families….. how exactly did you arrive at that… I’ll resist thenurge to dissect the ‘sensible people’ bit you referred to. … u cant keep ur arguments straight, u cant keep your points clear, u cant show an understanding of life outside a minor group, u cant own up to truths staring you in d face….what exactly can you do?!

    • Que

      January 5, 2014 at 5:33 pm

      Again, I didn’t finish…

      I’ll give you one thing though… you made me laugh..in ur closing line you mentioned not wanting to sound arrogant…..my dear, you cant sound arrogant if you tried from now till thy kingdom come… all you’ve managed to sound like is a lost scooby doo.

  43. ABEG ABEG ABEG

    January 5, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    ABEG ABEG ABEG

    Enough of all these rant jo. Wetin sef?

    No one to talk sense to all these babes wey dey mis yarn? I know BN is a female dominated site and you can all crucify me and hug transformer, I no send you.

    1. Bia biko, didn’t your mother tell you how your father married your mother (and yes including me)? What did he possess (even till now)? He dint even have a machine not to talk of a car and now you saying if your guy doesn’t have a car, amongst others, its a no no. Didn’t momma tell you the car they used to wed was borrowed? What’s all these para sef?

    2. You wana use your father’s present status to judge your bf? Are you that dumb? 30years ago when your father was in his shoes, did he have a dime of what the guy has now? Didn’t they teach you in school with all the education you claim to have that life is progressive and full of change? If he is 30years now and only got a few, by the time he’s your father’s age he would have gotten more than your father has.

    3. Oh you have gone abroad, gotten your masters and you now feel on top of the world? FYI we too did but listen not everyone has that opportunity. Your father and my father,how much is their salary to be able to send us there? If they are civil servants, how much are they paid even till now? If they didn’t do mago mago, how would we have gone there? Not everyone has the opportunity to embezzle therefore if God has given you the grace to acquire some status (so to say) just be grateful and keep the pride.

    4. Its only when a girl has something that the whole world hears. All through the time the guy has been doing, the next door neighbour won’t hear of it. Na pride bring devil down from his exalted position. Forget what you have and be real. What do you have that no one has ever had? It is this attitude that makes some men not to like their wives having an upper hand cos on a constant basis, she will remind him of how she got food stuff, tell the kids who bought the shoes and xmas cloth and also tell him the history of his life

    There is no woman on earth that wouldn’t have to assist her husband one time or the other. Whether financial or otherwise. No be help meet God call una? Forget it babes. Is the man working for himself alone or for the good of all members of the family (himself, yourself and the kids). He is the provider but did he come to the world to labour and die just because he wants to satisfy you? Things may not go smoothly for a period of time-would you rather keep your own pay and everyone goes hungry while when things were smooth he spoils you with all you need/want?

    5. Except we wana deceive ourselves, are ladies not favoured more than the men in this generation? For the decent ones, father/mother’s connection gets them a job, they can walk to a man/md/ceo and talk their way out. For the other ones, they sleep their way up. Are many not a product of the cheating you crying about? If the men cheat, is it with a fellow man or with you guys? See the story of **** we read who just divorced his wife and came out on the 1st Jan with a new babe, if the babe get brain, should she have done it if the man was a dog (as you have termed all men to be)

    As you are reading this, let your conscience judge you of things you have taken from men-the phones, clothes, shoes-even your exams, assignments, projects, thesis. You know how you got where you are so what’s the noise about?

    7. Shey you know that every saturday people get married? Even this year, some have already gotten married within 5days in 2014. The poor, the rich, the average, the fair, the tall, the short, the slim and the fat. All over the world, the BANKOLES still dey if that’s what you wan die on top, the ones with vision still dey (though may not have much at the moment), the tall dey, dark chocolate one dey (if you in love fairy tale) the fair dey, the average dey). Stop complaining and being a kid, go get your own jo

    This is 2014, you better be real with yourself and be a lady. Don’t let what you have or got enter your head. Shey you also know that all these your rant are a sign of immaturity? Millions of married couples who are working out their marriages and are happy, yet you keep looking for excuses here and there. Listen to me, no perfect human being on earth including you.

    6. You better go out there and go and compete in life. Go meet people. Everywhere in the world, there are good and bad people (whether you are a black, red, green, indian, hispanic, jamaican or Hebrew sef). No be joke, you have our full backing. You can marry an indian or italian if you like. Infact marry a hispanic, no one cares its your life. Later you will understand that love and money is not everything. That won’t sustain your marriage but common shared values, norms, beliefs, values, religion which gives rise to understanding between you both.

    Stop hiding behind the computer in your fathers house expecting a guy to come marry you in your closet. Be doing fire for fire approach replying everyone there as if that’s what you came to do in life. Be true to yourself-yours is waiting out there go meet him.

    Truth is bitter ba, buh na true I talk.
    No get hypertension fuming over this o

    One love
    Smiles

    • Que

      January 5, 2014 at 4:39 pm

      ?..hypertension ke?? Loooolll…. its been so long I read anything so off tangent!

    • Firstlaydeee

      January 5, 2014 at 6:00 pm

      This is true , you talk brain small
      firstlaydeee.blogspot.ie/

    • Non professional opinion

      January 6, 2014 at 9:46 am

      @abeg It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.

  44. snaggle tooth

    January 5, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    Agree, Dats all! To many people (esp the Ladies) got hung up on me saying marrying from like minded people is a must. I did not say it that it equates to wealth or solely for financial reason. I don’t need my children and competing over who is more successful or my daughter putting her brother down or my son jealous of my daughter’s success! We don’t come from that type of family.

    These kind of naija women and men are results of terrible parenting skills.

    @ ALL My point is for every nigerian woman out there that “brags” that naija guys are not adding up academically or career wise, there is also a “mr bankole”, or a “mr nnamdi” who can say the same about her father’s finances or level of education, most of successful naija men don’t ! Unlike me- : )

  45. Otto

    January 5, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    well said @abeg,,,,, i wonder what d ladies fret over….always wanting a perfect guy to start a rship with….baffles the hell outta me….the phrase ‘growing together’ seems to be lost in this decade and time

  46. daiva

    January 5, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    Whoa a lot to take in.lemme share small am young from an average family and now a stranger comes in and proposes marriage and suddenly the whole fam sed I shud not considering I want to make a career for myself.if I want to marry a black man nd I want him better Dan my father it’s my choice nd if I chose to marry I white because I feel he his better deserving its my choice don’t go hating me or anything.black men see women as less, hell dey always want to take advantage of u if u make money and dey don’t dey hate u for dat, use u or tell u to quit doing wat u Love because dey are d head of the house.I set d standards of the man I want to spend my life wit because it’s my choice not regarding d colour…it’s nobody business just be happy… infidelity can be anywhere trust me men can cheat.

  47. Olga

    January 5, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    I read all 151 comments, my head is full. Goodnight.

  48. Rhecks

    January 5, 2014 at 10:50 pm

    @Abeg, Abeg, na wah for this rant o….anyways it’s only natural that a hard-working, strong and modern woman would wish for a man of equal or higher status for a partner. That is the way God has ordained it . Yes, we would go out and compete like you advised but men need to also rise to their duties and be MEN.

  49. Amiphat

    January 6, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Umm, ladies y’all need to calm down. Monsieur Snaggle Tooth has been very polite in his arguments and stating his points. All the digs and overt and obvious insults are not necessary. (Single sisters should be asking to be pen pals with him to help change his ‘moneyed conceited ways’).

    Haba mana

  50. mocha model

    January 6, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    doesn’t matter what color you are, as long as your blood is red.

  51. I_no-send

    January 7, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    Too may stereotypes and generalization.

    The above arguments are normal among naija people. If u hear the average guy talk u go fear for your sisters and when i hear our sisters talk i seriously get worried and we will never realize how this vicious cycle of generalizations affect us.

    The evil thing about generalization is that even when any angel appears before u, u may be unable to identify them and we’ll keep attracting people who have no values to add to our life. Some of our ladies have become very defensive and insecure that they give little or no chance to beautiful possibilities.And some of our men in their misplace priorities and empty pride due too many cultural and societal pressures keep reinventing the wheel..one of those excuses..

    We have a lot of cultural and global issues facing us Nigerians and it takes a lot of self awareness and exposure not to be cut up in this senseless arguments and generalization. Yet the naija man will not leave the naija woman alone (they even import them,export dey now sef..hahaha) and our women still won’t stop longing for their brothers…lol..wahala dey..if na lie see the arguments above.

    But this thing is very simple..man na man, woman na woman dont limit ur life by ur choice.Sisters if u find a white man you can love by all means marry him and if you find a black man you can love marry too na ur choice. the same applies to our men..the most important thing is being open-minded and find someone that can add value to your life,find someone with self respect that you can respect too,find someone that believes in your dreams and will do anything to support it…these are things we should be looking for and not race and nationality.

    As for me I will marry ANY woman (black,white,yellow,red and even an alien) with a good head and if she is successful and independent(very big plus) nobody wants a liability except you have serious mental issues… and I am not referring to money here,there are many types of assets and potentials.

    Lets stop this bashing and cheap generalization…e no dey help matters.

  52. CoachC

    January 9, 2014 at 6:11 pm

    Newbie,
    You raise some very insightful and intelligent points. I am African-American with advanced degrees, and have been a mentor and life coach to both male and female mentees for the past 15 years. And I would be most honored to spend time learning life lessons from a successful, wise sista with a message in a mentoring capacity. Learning is something we should never stop doing. The path to success is fraught with obstacles, detours and setbacks, but the equalizing factor lies not in being able to run this race but doing so with endurance. I happen to be an attractive, well-traveled man of color, in a relationship with a woman of color by choice. I agree that there is nothing wrong with being single, however the desire to have children and start a career may be a motivation for some sistas to consider a broader pool of potential mates. I can only pray that such decision is a proactive, as opposed to reactive one. Like you, I read the responses and there are some who have responded out of frustration. But marriage was designed for permanency, a sacred partnership between two individuals who have made the choice to become one. Whatever problems exist in our relationships with other people of color will only be effectively addressed through self-reflection (Would I marry me?) and actually striving together as one people of color, unified . That is my mission– to bring people together, and be the best we possibly can. Because in the end of the day, I’m not anti-anybody. I just love and unapologetically support the advancement of goal-oriented, visionary people of color . Big-ups to Busola for opening the dialogue for critical thinking, self-reflection and dialogue!

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