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Ariyike Writes: Nobody Told Me

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This article is dedicated to all the women out there. We tend to put so much pressure on ourselves for no reason at all that we actually forget to live our lives for ourselves.

You don’t want to wake up one day to realise that you are clocking 60 and you haven’t done one thing that would have made you happy simply because you were too bothered about what people or society expected of you. Stop existing and start living.
***
My name is Sandra and this is my story….
The excitement of getting married and planning my wedding blinded me from seeing beyond the one or two day(s) event. It didn’t occur to me that I was going to move out of the comfort of my parent’s home where electricity wasn’t optional, it was an every second entitlement. Our inverter and generators were adequately maintained and we always had electricity 24/7. I guess that is why I never really understood why my fellow Nigerians complained about electricity, water and other issues until I moved out of my parents’ house.

Even though my dream proposal pictures and fairytale wedding pictures made it to all the lifestyle magazines, my rich kid status has since expired. Wifey status has now been acquired, but nobody told me these truths about marriage.

Nobody told me that people would expect so much from me because I’m now a ‘Mrs’. If I go out with my girlfriends and attempt to dance or twerk, I receive daggers from people. They look at me from top to toe and shake their heads. Some even whisper (loud enough for me to hear) – “Isn’t she married, Why is she dancing like that?”or “Should a married woman still be clubbing with her friends? The funniest part is that nobody really focuses on the Mr.. It’s always the woman that is left to answer all those questions.

Nobody told me that as a married woman, people expect you to stop being friends with your single friends. They expect you to automatically “upgrade” your status by making new friends with only married women as per Lekki wives things or real housewives of Jagbajantis hills!

Nobody told me it was mandatory for me to get pregnant on our wedding night. Mind you, we were at our wedding partying with friends till 11p.m. Of course we were too tired for any action when we got back to our hotel room,. We slept till 10a.m and almost missed our flight to our honeymoon. I spent most of our honeymoon time sleeping and recovering from all the wedding stress. If we “shagged” during our honeymoon, maybe it was just once. I can’t even remember, but of course my Blackberry profile/ Instagram posts suggested otherwise. I probably spent more time hash tagging than shagging.

Nobody told me a question I rarely paid attention to would later become the most annoying question ever. When I got married, the most annoying question I was asked was the most unusual question that later almost became usual because it became an everyday question “Are you pregnant/ When are you going to get pregnant?” Now this is the one that really pisses me off, can’t they just shut up? Initially when this question was asked, I used to answer the “gbeboruns” with “I’m still enjoying my husband” or “God’s time is the best”, now because I’m running out of responses, I’ve started running away from family functions.

Nobody told me that I would start calling my husband “Daddy Kanye” simply because we now have a little son called Kanye. When I asked my in-laws why it had become wrong for me to call my husband honey or darling like before, I was told I had to pump up my level of respect for the “hus”. He had become a father and having a male child even meant I should respect him more. Please who carried the pregnancy to term? Who pushed out our baby? Who gave birth? Who is breastfeeding? Who is battling with stretch marks? Who is struggling with weight issues? Who wakes up to breastfeed at 3 a.m? Daddy Kanye my foot!

Nobody told me that I would have to keep all my matrimonial problems to myself. It was when aunty Kate came visiting that she kind of dropped a hint when she said “You don’t discuss your husband with friends, when you have a problem, take it to God in prayers, some of them may even be jealous of you”. Shoo…So who do I talk to?

Best of all is that nobody told me I would have a new best friend, someone I can talk to and laugh with. Someone I can vent to, and gossip with. Someone who would pull me up when I’m down. Someone who would tell me “It’s okay” even when he knows it’s not even close to being okay. Someone who makes the statement “I’ll never talk to you again” sound like a total joke. Someone who will always be by your side no matter what.

Feel free to share your “Nobody told me” stories whether it’s about relationships, marriage or the single life.

Bellanaijarians, let’s stop putting pressure on our loved ones after they get married. When you think about them, simply pray for them.

On a lighter note, I would like to meet all the ladies that visit my page so that we can all be support systems for each other. Doesn’t a BellaNaija ladies hangout sound like fun? It’s not restricted to those in Nigeria alone, send me your details and I may just visit your country simply because of you but please note, I would not be visiting anyone “currently” in Jupiter or in the Sun.

If you’re interested, send me a mail at [email protected] Always remember that if you think you’re going through rough times, someone out there is going through worse times.
________________________________________________________________________________
Ariyike Akinbobola is a lawyer turned media personality. She currently has her own TV show “Reflections with Ariyike” and she’s a TV Presenter and associate producer with SpiceTV Africa. She is married with children. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @LadyAriyike. She blogs at www.reflectionswithariyike.blogspot.com

Ariyike Akinbobola is a lawyer turned media personality. She is an associate producer/TV presenter for Spice TV's talk show "On the Couch" and Spice Toys. You can also watch her on her Youtube channel Ariyike Weekly. She is married with children. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @LadyAriyike. She blogs at www.reflectionswithariyike.blogspot.com

120 Comments

  1. eesha

    March 25, 2014 at 11:17 am

    LOL. All the currently in Jupiter peeps should come back down to earth o!

    • CallMeMsNotMrs

      March 25, 2014 at 1:02 pm

      Y’ALL BN COMMENTERS ARE STRAIGHT UP BULLIES!!! Why does everyone pick on @Eddreamz so much? Is it because his English grammar does not sound up to par with your rubbish ajebutter reputation? Everyday, someone must bully him, even Ariyike is now joining. Haba!

    • L'afrique

      March 25, 2014 at 1:40 pm

      My word! Why you so mad? Most people tell him to better his English. Besides he leaves some rather myopic and gender-biased comments here. People must react to those! Just as you too seem to be full of angry reactions today.

    • John de Beloved

      March 25, 2014 at 2:11 pm

      its a joke nah. the guy is becoming popular sef…

    • whocares

      March 25, 2014 at 2:16 pm

      Aaaaand you going about “shitting” on other people’s experience is called “voicing your opinion” right? Go back and read up on some of Mr Dreamz’s comment. They are sexist and quite horrible sometimes, and that is what most people complain about. Yes his grammar is terrible and people have the right to voice their opinion on it, the same right you have used oh so sanctimoniously to fight his battles. Nowadays, I think most people are desensitized and do not care so much about his grammar really.
      Besides, Ariyike’s comment was merely a joke and there was no malice intended in it, so why, why would you want to be starting something? Mr Ed gan sef is not as fussed as you are on top his matter.

    • Bleed Blue

      March 25, 2014 at 2:44 pm

      Please note that Ariyike made absolutely no reference to his grammar. All she said (on a light note) was that she wouldn’t be visiting anybody in Jupiter or the Sun…so pray tell how is that an issue?

      And yes, edDreamz does make some cringe-worthy comments, not only in terms of poor grammar but also content; therefore people have every right to call him out.

    • Busarni

      March 26, 2014 at 7:20 am

      @CallMe Whateva; Where is your sense of humor?. Haba, we learn every day, correcting the young man no be crime na. Nobody is above mistakes. For the fact that bella gave us a platform to express ourselves, does not mean we should throw caution to the wind when we comment.

    • sigh

      March 26, 2014 at 11:57 am

      I agree… n I see ariyike and her minions coming to her rescue. Funny lot. haha. They def. bully the @edDreamz a lot.

    • L'afrique

      March 27, 2014 at 8:24 am

      @sigh…your comments lately…you come across as completely ignorant. You should join edDREAMZ in Jupiter, you’re needed there.

    • Ready

      March 27, 2014 at 12:15 pm

      @sigh…such an ignorant comment. Her minions? So because we agree with her, we’re minions. That makes you @CallMeMsnotMrs’ minion. Let’s think things through before writing, people.
      Also, @CallMeMsnotMrs, if e dey chook you before and you dey put am for inside cooler, this post is not the time for you to let it out. Nobody took it where you did..calm your lady lumps.

  2. Dr. N

    March 25, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Discrimination! We have to visit jupiter too. I no gree! Concerning marriage, nobody told me I would have to eat more of what hubby prefers simply because of the stress of cooking 2 diff dishes for 1 meal. Lol.
    drnsmusings.wordpress.com

    • flyhijabi

      March 25, 2014 at 5:51 pm

      Dr. N,we’re in that together o. Some days I just call him and say Mr man,please get me pizza,I’m tired of cooking and eating my own food! Nobody told me husbands are like big babies and you have to pick up after them! How I hate picking up that PS remote!

  3. Desireayo

    March 25, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Nice one sister.

  4. Fashionista

    March 25, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Its true oh, nobody told me too. But after three years, I have realised I MUST live for myself too oh, so I have made it mandatory! I must be happy and that comes from doing things that make ME happy and not only pleasing the world (in-laws, society and the hubby too self). Truth is a lot of times, when marriage enters the equation, as the woman, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t!

    Like Mary Jane from “being Mary Jane” said, if majority of the tales about marriage are not “happy” tales, why do we women keep rushing into it? me too I have wondered about this. Anyways, chin up Sandra! e-hug from one wife to another.

  5. Grown Woman

    March 25, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Ladies try and have your fun and eventually the right man will come into your life.You should all thank God for what you have and keep praying for what you desire.

  6. mrs chidukane

    March 25, 2014 at 11:45 am

    It’s the are you pregnant one that pains me.Is it that you’re ready to contribute to the upkeep of the child or you want a child more than the couple in question? Recently I’ve come to realize that most men that are discontent with their wives for delay in childbirth and end up sending them away don’t do it cos its their original plan but cos of nosey nosey from family members,friends and even acquaintances. Its unfair. Allow the couple,unless you have useful advice or doctor referrals.If not,just pray for them. Also,marriage changes everything. You just have to roll with the flow. OAN Ariyike how did you find it easy or difficult to abandon Law and totally change profession?

  7. Fashionista

    March 25, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Oh! and nobody told me that the minute I got married, to travel alone or with friends or with my Sister self, is an abomination! Basically, any leisurely trip without the hubby is “unheard” of. HIAN!

    • CallMeMsNotMrs

      March 25, 2014 at 1:03 pm

      That’s bullshit my dear. You can go on your own personal trips.

    • L'afrique

      March 25, 2014 at 1:41 pm

      Seriously. Cheer up.

    • Fashionista

      March 25, 2014 at 1:42 pm

      But wait, are you in my marriage? shu! see wahala. Come, let me introduce you to my mother in law.

    • oyinda

      March 25, 2014 at 3:14 pm

      She’s right o. You can’t really go in personal trips or vacations any more. It’s you and your husband. Not that it’s a bad thing

    • Abimbola

      March 25, 2014 at 4:02 pm

      Ah go on your girly trips o. Just dont let inlaws know. Agree with your husband and go do your thing. If anyone asks, you went on a “work- related” trip. I love me my girl trips… whenever we can sha. sigh.

    • Fashionista

      March 25, 2014 at 4:41 pm

      Yep! that’s what I do now. I just plan with the hubby. Left to my MIL, it should be just you and your hubby. I tire for her.

    • CallMeMsNotMrs

      March 26, 2014 at 12:07 pm

      @Fashionista, why would I want to meet your MIL? I’m insisting that the mentality that he MUST travel with you is bs. I wonder why you let your MIL have a say in your marriage. All I’m saying is do you (along with your hubby).
      @L’Afrique must be in a state of ennui. I’m glad my comments keep you busy.

    • L'afrique

      March 27, 2014 at 5:58 pm

      No dear, your comments keep me in a state of amazement at how judgemental am angry you always sound.

      Again I say, do cheer up. So you don’t burst a nerve.

    • slice

      March 25, 2014 at 4:03 pm

      I think callmenotmrs was supporting u o. Saying yes u can take ur own trips with friends etc. Not to say u’re not doing this but I wanted to say I think my parents have beein really smart in this area. For years, I watched em maintain relationships with friends. Mom has hers and dad the same. Travel with frds, party with frds etc. One day, you will need em or better yet they will need u. Its easier to support or be supported if u maintained the relationships.

    • corolla

      March 26, 2014 at 8:51 am

      @slice, your folks sound like mine. they have been married for 34 yrs and have maintained The Friendships with their individual friends.My mom still travels with some of her friends and cousins and my Dad still hangs with his friends. they hardly attend Weddings and events together except its a mutual friend or family Member. the while thing comes down ti the hubby.If you marry a guy with the traditional Naija mentality, then you get what you sign up for.

    • corolla

      March 26, 2014 at 8:52 am

      “the whole thing”. “to”

  8. Feyi

    March 25, 2014 at 11:57 am

    Loooool the line about Jupiter and the Sun had me in stitches. Seriously though I don’t understand why ladies get so carried away with the wedding day and forget that marriage is for the rest of your life.
    feyidiary.wordpress.com

  9. EverSmilingNkechi

    March 25, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    No body told be distant relationship is hard. i just jump enter dey with my two short short legs *sighs*.
    Thank God it will soon be over sha. As in we are reuniting soon. yupee!!!

    • MoD

      March 25, 2014 at 5:36 pm

      @eversmilingnkechi…. i feel you on that one. This long distance thing is the hardest thing i’ve had to do. I didn’t think about it, just jumped into it. 3yrs later and we are engaged but its still hard! I look forward to the trips to and fro though

  10. camo

    March 25, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    looooool! Nne u gats to come to Jupiter or Pluto to visit us o. ahn ahn u wan discriminate? Don’t you know that my non existent Pluto is more fun dan anywhere on earth. Biko remember to stop by. Just inform me and I will send all your traveling ‘credentials’ to you.
    ^
    ^
    ^
    ^
    ^
    ^
    ^
    Currently commenting from the Pluto.

  11. Jumzy

    March 25, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Nobody told me i would have to cook every damn day!

    • Tincan

      March 25, 2014 at 12:57 pm

      Lol, but you shouldn’t have to. Cook on the weekends and freeze. Everything in my house gets frozen, rice, spaghetti plus the accompaniments. I would only make it on the day if it can’t be frozen, so things like Fajitas, pounded yam, fried plantain etc.

      Anyways, my nobody told me is how hard it is to run a home. I mean having a FT travelling job, plus school events, plus social events, plus keeping the home mildly presentable, plus being my family’s key support worker (only daugter tinz), plus appointments, plus mail that needs to be dealt with, plus laundry, plus a husband that has ‘needs’, plus keeping the romance alive, plus in-laws who are great but need calling every now and then, plus doing my calling and the list goes onnnnnnnnnnnnn. I really sometimes feel like Sarah JP in ‘I don’t know how she does it’. My life just seems like a long to do list. I draw the line at not having a girly holiday though. I have to have a girly holiday at least once in 2 years if not yearly. How else do you regain your sanity?

    • slice

      March 25, 2014 at 3:44 pm

      Some men won’t eat frozen food….

    • CallMeMsNotMrs

      March 25, 2014 at 1:08 pm

      Are you a personal chef? Why can’t he cook or you guys eat out sometimes?

    • Vyvyka

      March 25, 2014 at 4:11 pm

      I just had to laugh at ‘are you a personal chef?’ good question!

    • John de Beloved

      March 25, 2014 at 2:13 pm

      its a joke nah. the guy is becoming popular sef…

      Sho! before nko? what were you expecting?

  12. Bleed Blue

    March 25, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    LOL! This has made my day. Mr DJ STELCH and Mr edDreamz she’s not coming to visit you people oh!

    So back to the ish…nobody told me my in-laws who used to be Folake and Dotun to me before marraige, would suddenly become “Aunty Folake” and “Uncle Dotun” after I said “I do”. It should be no big deal but it’s just the double standards…my hubby is still allowed to call them by name so what makes me different, especially when the age difference is pretty much the same from me to hubby?

    On the plus side, nobody told me I would have this solid rock of a man, who would always do his best to make sure I’m shielded from life’s unpleasant moments. Love you sweerie! 🙂

    • Ebony

      March 25, 2014 at 12:47 pm

      If it was mean I would call them Folake and Dotun till Kingdom come if my husband things that is disrespectful and a basis for family meetings then he can very well go ahead because we will keep having family meetings for the duration of the marriage. This is where stubbornness comes in handy. I do not do people pleasing so they would either have to put up with me or ignore me nor do I do just call them “aunty” for peace sake; No can do we will keep having war until they surrender.

    • Ebony

      March 25, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      *if it was me*

    • Ready

      March 27, 2014 at 12:32 pm

      Hahahaha. Lol. Ebony, you don’t sound ready for marriage o. I think they call it picking your battles. Having a stubborn reputation in the family because you don’t want to call 2 people Uncle and Aunty? How many times would you see them in a month to give them what the family wants? I’m not married, but I know I def would not be stubborn on that, and trust me, I’m stubborn. I would not call them by name until I absolutely have to, and I would speak English so I don’t have to use the Yoruba ‘e’ for them.
      Words are words, it’s the power we give them that elevates them. It’s not like you’re older than them…me I don’t get the logic. When you have as much or more money than them, your home is happy, and you truly are happy, throwing a random title their way will be like throwing bones to a dog. @CallMeMsnotMrs…ma’am, you’re on something today.

    • CallMeMsNotMrs

      March 25, 2014 at 1:06 pm

      So basically, your husbands folk believe they’re doing you a favor so they need to be remunerated with titles they don’t deserve. Foh , this is Yoruba hypocrisy. Do people realize this is 2014?

  13. http://www.thelmathinks.blogspot.com/

    March 25, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    Fantastic write up. Very enlightening.
    Please visit those of us in Jupiter o! Not fair. LMAO.

    thelmathinks.blogspot.com

  14. Martha A

    March 25, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    No body told me dat it would be this selfless…u think about ur hubby’s wants and needs most than what u want u urself…#this is true selfless #God I need ur help

  15. Ebony

    March 25, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    This is why people should marry when they are psychologically mature to handle all the issues that come with being married. I suspect most of the nobody told me’s moved straight from daddy’s house to husband’s house like the writer most likely before age 25 probably had no older married friends young enough to be friends with but a few years old in marriage they could learn from. Also what you tolerate when dating you should be able to tolerate when married so train your man and his people accordingly from the get go. Unless society pays your rent, feeds you and clothes you then be damned what society thinks. Afterall you will be answering for yourself on judgement day society will not be there to give witness for you. I had a friend whose then boyfriend hated cooking and she preferred a man who could cook so what she did from when the relationship started getting serious was that every time she was cooking she would ask for his help nicely it started with “manly” chores and a lot of ego massaging like “babe could you open this can for me you are so much stronger” or “please help me break this bone your muscles will definitely do it in one go” before you know it this man was chopping tomatoes and frying eggs they are happily married and he cooks and helps out in the house. So Ladies you have to be wise and cunning and set the pace on how you expect and want to be treated from the get go otherwise there is no need to go all “nobody told me” on us.

  16. T.dance

    March 25, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    lol… A lot of things are dependent on the kind of man you married. Find fun in the face of the marital challenges. it is needed. build your career too or you would become bitter.

  17. Zayt

    March 25, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    @ jumzy, totally agree. Still can’t get over the cooking part! Phew!

  18. Zayt

    March 25, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    Also, nobody told me it would be soo difficult to conceive! The wait is killing me 🙁

    • Miss Anonymous

      March 25, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      It will happen sooner than you think 🙂

    • Bleed Blue

      March 25, 2014 at 1:28 pm

      Awww sweetie it will happen. I know the wait is hella frustrating but keep your head up dear and do the right thing 😉

      Zayt Junior will be here soon. Faith keep you. E-hugs.

    • Fashionista

      March 25, 2014 at 1:46 pm

      Hang in there babe, that beautiful gift, which you so desire is coming your way soonest. Amen!

    • D'Mamma

      March 25, 2014 at 6:31 pm

      Awwwww!! Don’t worry. You just have to try and take mind off it if u can. It’ll happen when u least expect.

  19. Motun

    March 25, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Life is just too tricky….

  20. Grapefruit

    March 25, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Lucky for the ladies that can call their husbands their best friends.Not everyone marries a best friend, but marry nonetheless because it is what is expected.My advice just be happy in your situation.Another person’s own is always worse.

    • Ebony

      March 25, 2014 at 1:27 pm

      ” but marry nonetheless because it is what is expected”
      And that ladies and gents is the reason there are way too many people in unhappy marriages they had no reason getting into in the first place.

  21. Blessmyheart

    March 25, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    I had to pause my lunch to think about the ‘nobody told me’. Well, here goes – nobody told me I’ll have to mark register at the in-laws’ because they live nearby. Long distance family relationships are my thing. But then, nobody told me I’ll have such a loving and caring man that my fear is taking advantage of him.

  22. Aryn

    March 25, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    A ”hangout’ i totally agree. Nobody told me that after working 8-6pm, driving to and fro in Lasgidi traffic for 2 hours I will still have to make dinner even if hubby gets home before me, cos ‘he likes my kind of cooking- despite that there is stew and like 2 soups in the freezer”.
    The question of ‘ are you not planning to have a baby” its so annoying. Do you know our plans dear Buzybody? Do you know if there are issues with conception? haba they ask so many annoying and insensitive questions! In-laws who expect weekly visits and regular phone calls were given a rude awakening when my calls come thru only on Xmas day. For crying out loud. Life in Lagos + work+ houskeeping+ socials+ personal grooming+ future planning is enough stress than to add to all the amebo and cultural adjustments the ‘Gbeboruns” want to add to my life.
    Thanks for this write up, I thought i was the only one ooooo!

  23. wunmi

    March 25, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Beautiful write up. Hilarious too but trust me its a lot harder when you are single. Well these are my top “nobody told mes” Nobody told me I would HATE being asked “when are you getting married” it used to be so easy to answer when I was a lot younger. Nobody told me I would avoid weddings since I LOVEEE weddings. Every time I attend a wedding it ends with someone praying for me to be next (great prayer I know) but it has a way of putting you under pressure plus weddings now make me cry and wonder if I’ll ever get married. Nobody told me birthdays would scare the crap outta me (my birthday is on Thursday and O boy! am I scared). Nobody told me I would ever consider getting my own place ( I had always hoped it would be from Daddy’s house to hubby’s house). Ariyike I think the hang out idea is Fantastic; it’ll be nice to hang out with women with whom you can share experiences, learn from and just be with. it gets really lonely these days plus I feel so empty.

    • whocares

      March 25, 2014 at 2:32 pm

      And there I was thinking I didn’t have a “nobody told me”. LOOL. I hate the “who is your man, why are you single, when will you marry?” questions.. I haven’t started avoiding weddings yet, because I love them tooo much (I LIVE for small chops and cakes).
      I miss the days when I was considered “too young” for such questions to be posed to me. Nowadays, every family get together is liking facing a firing squad, only they aren’t firing guns, but relationship advise, marital advise (which I don’t mind much sometimes) but I also get the occasional “how to take care of my woman parts” advise 😐 (yes, they went there)

    • Dee

      March 25, 2014 at 10:33 pm

      “wonder if I’ll ever get married” I hate that feeling. Really Terrible. All of a sudden everyone will always want to hook you up with every guy that is ready to settle down. And when you say “no” its either “you’re not serious” “age is not on ur side” “you’re too picky” “your mates are already having child number 2”. like its easy to pick a guy like that and marry. Same pple will take if the marriage doesn’t work out…… GOD help us!!!!!!!!!

    • Dee

      March 25, 2014 at 10:34 pm

      talk*

    • Sunshine

      March 26, 2014 at 4:40 am

      Awwww. I just feel the need to just hug you…. so here you go {Hugsss} Dont worry darling, it will be okay. Your own man will be here soon.

  24. geegee

    March 25, 2014 at 1:49 pm

    my case is when others used to say negative things about inlaws i used to think they themselves were the bad daughter in law but fast forward one year after and all i know is i am never going to have madam goody 2 shoes heart again

  25. dior

    March 25, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    “When I asked my in-laws why it had become wrong for me to call my husband honey or darling like before, I was told I had to pump up my level of respect for the “hus”. He had become a father and having a male child even meant I should respect him more. Please who carried the pregnancy to term? Who pushed out our baby? Who gave birth? Who is breastfeeding? Who is battling with stretch marks? Who is struggling with weight issues? Who wakes up to breastfeed at 3 a.m? Daddy Kanye my foot!”……………lmfao, this is so funny

    • sigh

      March 26, 2014 at 12:19 pm

      You’ve got to b fuggin kidding?! And what does ur hubby say in light of this? Such a pity! Already exalting a male child. Vicious cycle of sexism n gender discrimination.

      And y all this inlaw rubbish? Why are wives and husbands letting inlaws run their homes????

  26. John de Beloved

    March 25, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    Oh!!! Where is EdDreamz the commenter when you need him? Come and stand for Jupiter oh!

  27. ivie

    March 25, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    You are so damn right! When I got married 6 years ago, my Neighbour was on my case like Kilode’ I gave her space oo…after 8 months into marriage I got pregnant. hmmm, she didn’t rest on my case I was laughing at her silly self whispering to my self *pregnancy no dey hide forever..when time reach una go see am* lol behold when I got to my 2 nd trimester they saw my baby bump! Ah ah they began to sing praises to God. Had my daughter and we(hubbyand I) named

    • ivie

      March 25, 2014 at 2:22 pm

      Her God’s time is the best..not too long I took in again when she was a year old not knowing I was even pregnant ( was a breast feeding mom…I believed I had my safe periods then) . For Every one believing God for a miracle, hold on to him he will do it. And it shall come to pass.
      No body told me list is endless in my life but one thing am grateful about is am no longer troubled about how people should see me or accept me. I am Ivie soo take me as I am.
      Dear writer I love the suggestions on us hanging out together yayyyy! BN Readers…We rock!

    • ivie

      March 25, 2014 at 2:25 pm

      In Addition am a blessed mom with two lovely kids (A Girl and A Boy) and a great Hubby too :). God’s time is truly the Best! Have a blessed day Bella Naijarians!*xoxo

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      March 25, 2014 at 9:24 pm

      Awww, Ivie. What a lovely story and thank God for your babies, I pray they are an enduring miracle for you and your husband.

    • ivie

      March 25, 2014 at 11:52 pm

      @Mz Socially Awkward…thanks dear,and a big Amen to your Prayers. Best heart felt wishes too * hugs

  28. jcsgrl

    March 25, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    people are soo darn judgmental! That is why married women do not share their trials or frustrations with people. Someone will always jump out and say, “ehn if its me, I won’t do so, so and so or why should you do this and that.” Please any married person that has their own peculiarities should figure out what works in their marriage and do it and damn all these judgmental hypocrisies in the name of advice…mcheew

  29. chidinma

    March 25, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    can’t stop laughing….#daddy kanye my foot# I really LOVE dat part..tank you

  30. billionaire in grace

    March 25, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    I really enjoyed everybody comments…please bella naija we want more of this kind of article

  31. _olori_

    March 25, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    I’m single but with a bagful of nobody told me #sigh. Anyway hanging out will be a totally cool thing xx

  32. Olori

    March 25, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    I’m single but with endless list of nobody told me #sigh. Anyway the idea about hanging out sounds super cool xx

  33. Mrs Nwosu

    March 25, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Oh i wud most definitely love the ladies hang out. On the matter nobody told me my body wud change so drastically after giving birth. Nobody told me that even when am preggers i must still minister to my husbands need. Crazy a womana’s world, just crazy. Thanks Arikiye, nice piece.

    • Dr. N

      March 25, 2014 at 5:57 pm

      Ministry indeed

  34. Adaeze

    March 25, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    I look forward to Ariyike’s articles…. I love the comments too…
    May God help us all…

  35. mobisexy

    March 25, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    God told me not to put pressure on myself because I want to marry or age was calling.

    We choose to tell ourselves what we think is good for us and when.

    Nobody will tell you the truth…

  36. entrepreneursfactory

    March 25, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    lets stop the insult. we are bigger than these

  37. oluchi

    March 25, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    My “nobody told me” shld be abt graduating from a university in this country, then my list will be very long cos I’m single right now. Nice article Ariyike, the ladies hang out is a welcome idea, I want to meet more pple and make new friends…

  38. slice

    March 25, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    I have “nobody told me” bc between thewoe is marriage nollywood movies 🙂 and some unfortunately dark marriage stories, I feel like I’ve heard it all 🙁 need more of the sweet stories

  39. Abimbola

    March 25, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    Don Riks… Nobody told me PLENTY tings.. lol. but above all, no body told me you need God and prayers Moreeeeeeeeeeee than ever during marriage.

    Love the article as always!

  40. larz

    March 25, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    Nobody told me that people that know nothing of you, haven’t seen/ spoken to you in ages are ready / willing to give you unsolicited advice e.g. why are you single, how to keep your man etc.

  41. LOL

    March 25, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Nobody told me I’d still find other men attractive after getting married……and that I could never have lunch with old boyfriends again….I know, I know!

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      March 25, 2014 at 9:28 pm

      My married friend made the same admission. And she said it’s worse because the devil’s voice sometimes whispers in your ear that nobody wiki ever suspect anything if you gave in, because you’re a Naija married woman so there’s automatic trust on society’s part that you can never cheat 😐

    • Queen E

      March 25, 2014 at 9:29 pm

      Wow! Food for thought for me…

    • Tincan

      March 25, 2014 at 10:37 pm

      Oh waoh! Whereas for me, in the last five years I have only ever seen one guy that I nearly walked into a door because. It’s usually that I see them and think ‘I hope my son grows up looking that suave’ if they appear younger or I don’t notice. Been wondering if I was okay – not that it’s a bad thing sha.

  42. agbeke

    March 25, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    lollll that comment right there from LOL “Nobody told me I’d still find other men attractive after getting married……and that I could never have lunch with old boyfriends again….I know, I know!” I don’t judge you I feel the same damn way too …anyways nobody tol me about the cooking part sha. and Zayt I totally feel you. Waiting for baby can be frustrating and depressing particularly when people keep staring at your belly region. it will happen soon dear.Amen. Stay strong!

  43. Chinenye

    March 25, 2014 at 9:15 pm

    Interesting #Nobody told me’s
    Totally love the idea of a #Ladies Hangout

  44. Mz Socially Awkward...

    March 25, 2014 at 10:08 pm

    Hahahaha! Comments on this page have been funny, insightful and worthy of a silent prayer in support of. Well done for instigating the discussion, Ariyike!

    Although, when I saw the headline and first few words before properly opening it up, I assumed you were going to be talking about the general “Nobody told Me’s” of being an adult/grown-ass woman. I’m not married but like @olori above, I’ve got a bag full of “Nobody told Me’s” that I could reel off all night. Nobody told me about juggling the load of your own personal responsibilities responsibilities, having to add the worries about your parents getting older and your siblings being settled, the fear that maybe you’re on the wrong career path & should make a risky change, THAT YOU NEED TO HAVE A PENSION PLAN, that you need to take personal responsibility for your own joy and your walk with God…. I have a full list of “Nobody told Me’s”…

    But, to the matter at hand. The funny thing is that I was just having this conversation with my aunt yesterday, an older lady in her 50s, and she’s just such a hoot. She was trying to advice me about expectations after you “don enter house” and kept repeating that “it’s not like courtship oh, it’s very different”. The one that nobody told her was that her husband will do things like come into the bathroom when she’s brushing her teeth and want to do a Number 2. Ehn? She say she no gree encourage that kain bad behaviour, it was quickly established that she doesn’t even tolerate the smell of her own poop. Or that sometimes he’ll come close and she’ll be asking herself if this was the man who did everything to smell nice when they were dating. Or that sometimes they’ll have such heated arguments that he’ll have to take his keys and walk out but two hours later she’ll already be missing him and calling to ask “Where are you? When are you coming home?”

    Kai, love is some powerful voodoo… But highly essential to make it all work. 🙂

    • Dunni Obata

      March 26, 2014 at 12:19 am

      Oh that fear was real for me. Nobody told me the 17 year old choice for Physiotherapy as my first degree was going to make me miserable. I hated the smell of hospitals, I am a huge germophobe and cried every time I lost a patient. I woke up on day and changed careers. If you are having fears about your career path, it is never too late to upticks. You don’t want to wake up at 45 and wonder where your life went and what you could have done. By then you would have a family whose needs will come first and you are stuck. Mid life crisis happens for a reason. Make that risky change, but strategically plan it. It took me 2 years and I was out. Best decision of my life bar one. I have told you about starting that blog, I am calling you out in public now. Remember my threat? Hahahahahahaha.
      My infallible superman dad is getting old now and I hate hearing about his health problems. The fear of parents getting older is real. Freaks me out and makes me pray he and Mama live till like 150, even though I know I will never be ready no matter when it happens.
      Yup, you need a pension plan, invest, invest, invest too. Taking responsibility for your own happiness is something I learnt years ago the hard way. Too much drama being affected by the opinions of people, more than half who don’t truly wish you well.
      Another nobody told me is, as you get older you lose homogeneity with people you had originally thought were friends and for some you realise they were never really your friends, quite painful and annoying considering how much time you had invested. Nobody told me I would be saying bye bye to old friends and making new friends at this age is bloody hard but I am learning to re-connect with new people again and loving the amazing people God has brought my way.
      I agree with you about the part about “the general “Nobody told Me’s” of being an adult/grown-ass woman”. That would have been robust and all inclusive.
      As for the nobody told me hangouts, I am so open for that and will even provide the food. Summer is upon us, someone should take up the mantle to plan it and holla at me. London and The South East sha o and as long as y’all are ready to sign that you are not (or related to) serial rapists and axe murderers, I may consider privately hosting a BN “nobody told me girls hang out”.

    • Dunni Obata

      March 26, 2014 at 12:20 am

      *upsticks

    • whocares

      March 26, 2014 at 10:29 am

      31.media.tumblr.com/1f6768f1514d5b017b78da7542c9b98d/tumblr_mzmhae8Ijv1sci4e8o1_250.gif – That gif is my current facial expression to a London hang.
      Do people in London/ surrounding cities want to drop a one liner “I live at so and so region” and then we can get an estimate of how far people live etc and maybe get this show on the road?
      Yes a “what nobody told me about life” is definitely more inclusive. Ohh where do I start. lol

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      March 26, 2014 at 3:51 pm

      @ Dunni, I consider myself called out… & already doing regular detective work to determine whether your threat’s in effect yet… 🙂

      As for the parents getting older, I know! Everytime I call and hear coughing, the mention of BP, whatever, I’m on high alert “What’s wrong with you? Have you seen a doctor? Why haven’t you seen a doctor? When do you plan to see a doctor?”… I know God has their clocks in His hands but it feels like they need to be here with me forever 🙁

      And I think my career dey okay for now. Na im I been dey pray for 11years ago (fresh out of law school, dreaming I could be Ally McBeal) and it’s worked it’s way round to here, just not quite sure where to go next.

      If you’re offering to feed us, let Ariyike set that date kwik-kwik before this offer is withdrawn. And I would like to helpfully point out that it’s getting brighter and warmer so we don’t even need to mess up your crib, just stash us in your garden with a BBQ, or how you see am?

      @whocares, y’all already know where me & @BleedBlue (and others) are at so help us with early planning, mbok, as I don’t desire to use Megabus as a last minute option… 🙂

    • Ekwitosi

      March 26, 2014 at 6:26 pm

      @MSA I agree it should have been the general “Nobody told Me’s” of being an adult/grown-ass woman
      @Dunni and MSA that one of parents getting old eh? Nobody told me it was going to be heartbreaking to see your parents that were agile and used to run all of a sudden become frail or that no matter how old you are you will miss them when they are gone. Nobody told me that I would think about my mother everyday even as she has been gone for a long time now since I lost her early. Or that someday I would become her because I am being told that my every move is she.
      What about the one of having sleepless nights over your siblings to make sure that everybody is settled including your siblings that are older than you?
      That career one, you think you have sorted yourself out then all of a sudden lay offs come na una wey dey for head go go first then you start asking yourself whether you are on the right career path self. As it would happen sometimes you take three steps backward before taking a step forward.
      But its true you outgrow some friends and some will outgrow you too or simply that you guys no longer have anything in common!
      Finally I have realized that to put yourself forward and think about you is not being selfish but allows you plan for a better future so that you can effectively carry others along just like in the plane they will tell you to wear your oxygen mask before helping the children and the people around you. I used to think that settling myself last was the most noble thing to do then I found out that in some cases I would find myself in the most incompetent hands.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      March 27, 2014 at 11:38 pm

      Dear Ekwitosi… and nobody told us as well that we would find a way to survive every twist, obstacle, ditch and curve on this road called the adult female reality. And that we won’t only survive, but we would also find ourselves becoming stronger women.

      From one to the other – keep pressing forward, luv. That part of your mother in you knows that you’re destined to celebrate amazing victories…. With heartfelt prayers from me.

    • Ekwitosi

      March 28, 2014 at 4:26 pm

      @MSA thanks for the prayers because it can only get better for all of us from here……..

    • Dunni Obata

      March 27, 2014 at 5:38 pm

      I live in a flat oh, no garden. Okay people, someone should volunteer. We promise we are not (or related to) serial rapists and axe murderers. As for my parents, especially my Dad, I am not the health ninja of the family. Anytime she gets frustrated with him taking his health for granted she calls me on the phone and says Talk to your father, I give up. You should hear the two of us, you would think I am the parent and he is the child. I pray for long life for the both of them o and for all our parents too. Beautifully said Ekwitosi. Beautifully said. Sorry to read you lost your mum early

    • Ekwitosi

      March 28, 2014 at 4:28 pm

      @Dunni thanks!

  45. bam bam

    March 25, 2014 at 10:31 pm

    Oh wow I can so relate with the finding other men attractive I used to think I was the devil for doing that nobody told me that I would acquire another baby, hubby = baby no 2! nobody told me about the expectations of the outlaws (yes I call them outlaws…)nobody told me abt the furious strech marks that come post childbirth and how ur tommy can never be the same… nobody told me about all the responsibilities that come with marr… its like nobody told me anything lol….

  46. Dee

    March 25, 2014 at 10:44 pm

    Plenty of us in the States will love to do the “Nobody told me” ladies hangout. I think both married and the single ladies will benefit from it. Good Job ma’am

  47. bam bam

    March 25, 2014 at 11:04 pm

    And this is the one that irks me the most nobody told me that marr did not just include loosing your last name but your first nam also nobody calls me by my first name anymore it is either madam, mama such and such or such and such’s wife its like my ist name is non existent!

    • Ekwitosi

      March 28, 2014 at 4:32 pm

      @bam bam ha!ha! you have become invisible! a footnote to some other person’s life!

  48. Siji

    March 26, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Very interesting article.

  49. sg

    March 26, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Very few people commented on “nobody told u” for singles. I’m turning 30yrs old, I can’t say I’m really happy for myself but I know soon, this year I will be the happiest woman alive. Being 30 everyone is concerned of why I’m not married, why I still don’t have kids, why I’m in a relationship for 3yrs-living together and the man has not yet proposed. Sometimes it make me question myself. all my friends life are moving, I even have two friends who are sisters getting married before july. But I have a feeling my break through is coming. It’s not easy.Pray for me

    • Miss Anonymous

      March 26, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      Sg while it’s perfectly normal for you to feel the way you do, remember marriage does not define you.

      Take advantage of spinsterhood and get to discover yourself. Learn something new. Learn to read books, learn a new language, learn to cook, learn how to play a musical instrument just for the fun of it, learn to work out……get to know yourself, learn to fall in love with yourself.

      As per living with a man for three years, I am not judging but he may no longer see the need to buy the cow when he’s getting its milk for free, so you may need to re-evaluate that situation.

      All the best.

    • Temmy

      March 26, 2014 at 3:23 pm

      Yea! He makes all things beautiful in His (their) time. Hold on to him it will happen far more than your expectations.

  50. Mariaah

    March 26, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Wow! I have got so many nobody told me(s).. Lol..

    Let me drop this “nobody told me at 23 it will be me and my siblings and us against the world!”

    Its been a journey but I know we will be GREAT!

  51. naana

    March 26, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    where are the HUSBANDS?

    we need your statemennts here

  52. naaaah mehn!!

    March 26, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    this article is soo on point! Especially about the pregnancy bit. Been married for 1 year and 4 months and the idiots are still ask the same questions ….. s/o

  53. portable

    March 26, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    Can someone make any useful suggestions pls?i am 29,resigned from my job n currently doing my masters,not in any relationship n am begining to freak out cos of the whole marriage ish questions! i would love to get married soon but when Mr Man isnt in the horizon yet,wetin i go do? pls how do i keep my mind of it? Thanks ladies!

    • Fashionista

      March 27, 2014 at 10:43 am

      Focus on your hobbies and interests. What are the things you enjoy doing? do them. oh and chin up baby.

  54. royalty

    March 27, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    hmm, been married less than 1 year and I already have my “nobody told me’s”.
    Cooking at night when you get back from work, bone tired; waiting to get pregnant, while everyone (even at work) stare at your tummy or make stupid comments when you yawn, cough or sneeze ( are those the twins? be eating for two o); no more time to hang out with my single friends cos hubby is home on weekends and doesn’t want to stay alone; washing, cleaning and more washing and cleaning; having to pick up litters ( clothes, water satchets) all over the house after hubby ( dunno why he can’t just throw dirts in the waste bin!!); the dilema of having to call hubby’s younger sister, whom I’m like 3 years older than ‘aunty’ (I’m still dodging this stylishly) ; my mum giving me a terrible headache cos I call my hubby by name ( I’ve never really been a fan of mushy/ lovey- dovey name tags, plus what’s her own? He is MY husband and I’ll jolly well call him any name I want) OMG!! the list is so long. No issue with in-laws though, seems like they don’t have my time yet.lol.
    But I love hubby sha, and I’m learning that marriage does not define who I am. I’m still a woman taking each day one step at a time, making mistakes, correcting them , moving on and learning to love “me”. I deserve to be happy, and I surely deserve to have the bigger piece of meat, and not hubby cos he’s the ‘man’. lol

  55. anonymous

    March 27, 2014 at 5:23 pm

    Nobody told me it’s unsafe to get close to other wives in the family. My experience is with a new wife coming in we had been friends before.we had some sis in law girls gist about the family and she turned against me, stabbed me in the back and went to tell her hubby and it became a family issue.nobody told me u don’t get chummy with other wives.also, after three years iv learnt that my nuclear family should be my focus and not my extended family. Let them know who I am and what I stand for. no unecessary interference, focusing on my family unit, kids and my home is now my priority every other is secondary….thank god we learn everyday

  56. Esther

    March 27, 2014 at 11:07 pm

    Ariyike, you totally read my mind. Thought to myself a few days ago that Bella naija needs to organise a forum for us to meet, rub minds, do whatever. I visit this site so frequently,y’all feel like family.would be really cool though. And the man on Jupiter will have to come down to earth.

  57. no heart to hate

    April 2, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    ok

  58. dup

    June 4, 2014 at 10:00 am

    Lovley article!
    Nobody told me I would no longer bear my name again, suddenly I am now mama something *raised eyebrows* so if I never born I no go get name again abi or I no longer have my own identity? HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS and nobody told me even after one child people still question you about when the next one is coming, or ‘wat the heck are you waiting for, shes already 3 going on 4’ asin how e take concern you _ _ busybody oshi.

    Now I have just a tinny tiny clue about the horrible pressure waiting women have from all these busybodies who can’t mind their business or pray for you or give sound medical advice rather than make continous stupid sarcastic and nasty comments………….. I know, cos someone actually had the guts to tell husby to his face that either one of us has medical issues *again I ask how e take concern you* Oshisko

    ……sigh & nobody told me I have to wait on husby 24/7 and that a woman’s work just neva ends ……………………………………………….hugh sigh again

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