It’s around 2am. Everyone else in the house is asleep and the air is consumed with the eerie buzz of silence, apart from the distant hammering of the train through the local station. I want to sleep but I just can’t. Thoughts keep zooming back and forth in this over-active brain of mine. I can imagine it looks somewhat like a grotty minefield, wrought with chemical explosions and lightning spark connections.
Normally my thoughts are bizarre and far-fetched; like me single-handedly fighting my way through a crowd of blood-crazed criminals; jumping, swinging, rolling, slashing, slicing open every obstacle in my path- all whilst adorned in a kinky leather cat suit and painstakingly perfect makeup to match.
Thinking has always been an outlet for me. A means of escapism that leaves me void of all responsibility and insecurities. In my head I’m unstoppable; a sassy, sexy, super-human with wits and looks incomparable, but lately these thoughts have taken on more of a serious tone. My rampant fantasy has been invaded by stark reality. Why? Because I am getting older.
The more I reflect on my life and the years gone by, the quicker I come to the crucial and unmistakable conclusion that I’ve changed. I don’t walk with that youthful vigor like I used to. I no longer carry that twinkle in my eye – a subtle manifestation of the rising star within. I had a wicked hearty laugh that screamed ‘look at me! I’m so carefree’. Now, I feel like my inner-being has been suppressed; choked into a weaker and less magnificent form. I want to stop this inevitable transformation, but unfortunately for me I can’t. It’s something beyond my control. A momentous and supernatural force governed by the omniscient hands of God. Time.
Oh Time! When I was a child, we played together; concocted plans of how this life of mine would pan out. By now I was supposed to be 3 years into the career of my dreams, with the man of my dreams, planning the marriage of my dreams.
What happened to that? Why did you suddenly decide that our plans weren’t good enough and that you would throw a medley of other things into the mix? Do you know that you have left me feeling so unfulfilled? So lost in negative thoughts that sometimes I feel like I’m losing myself, and becoming the sardonic person that sees life in a dimmer and less flattening light.
Disappointment. That’s one emotion I have been feeling a lot of lately. Not just because my hopes and dreams are yet to manifest into something concrete and real; I am yet to become the successful woman who I have always aspired to be. By now I always believed that I would be somebody, but not just for me….. for my family. The people who have supported and inspired me thus far. The people who I yearn to see reap from my successes and celebrate jubilantly with me.
When I finished University, fresh-faced and beaming with a degree in hand, I had the whole world ahead of me. I wasn’t the doctor that every Nigerian parent wants their child to be, but I had chosen my field, worked diligently at it, and come out the other side with an achievement that anybody would be proud of. I was naive then; genuinely believing that with ease I would get a high paying job that would magically propel me up the career ladder, and expose me to inconceivable opportunities. Well let’s just say that things haven’t been so easy. Actually that is an understatement. My life has become a never-ending mystery, sporadically changing when I least expect it to.
They say life is not a bed of roses-. In fact I find that it consists predominantly of sharp and itchy thorns, with a few sweet and pretty roses to bring intermittent relief. It’s just one big obstacle course; a survival of the fittest. The question is, have you been working out? Have you been building up that health and fitness to steer you around the wobbly bits and have you vaulting over hurdles? For me, I could say I’m getting there. There are so many ways that I can better myself and Lord knows I’m working on it.
Sometimes I feel stranded, like I am on a rotting rafter, floating in the middle of nowhere whilst my peers cut through the water around me, dashing off to lands of greener pastures. I’m still lost, searching for the job that pushes me to realize my true potential and the relationship that gives me complete and utter fulfillment. But until I find that I am calling on my God, and surrounding myself with a supportive framework of family and friends that keep me going when my engine’s running dry. As my mum always says ‘there’s a season for everything’, so if you find yourself in a similar situation, like nothing is going right. Be encouraged and know that you are not alone.
If you have been or are going through a similar situation, share your comments and experiences below.
Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Michael Zhang