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Bim Akinmade: Dealing with the Curveballs of Life

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It’s around 2am. Everyone else in the house is asleep and the air is consumed with the eerie buzz of silence, apart from the distant hammering of the train through the local station. I want to sleep but I just can’t. Thoughts keep zooming back and forth in this over-active brain of mine. I can imagine it looks somewhat like a grotty minefield, wrought with chemical explosions and lightning spark connections.

Normally my thoughts are bizarre and far-fetched; like me single-handedly fighting my way through a crowd of blood-crazed criminals; jumping, swinging, rolling, slashing, slicing open every obstacle in my path- all whilst adorned in a kinky leather cat suit and painstakingly perfect makeup to match.

Thinking has always been an outlet for me. A means of escapism that leaves me void of all responsibility and insecurities. In my head I’m unstoppable; a sassy, sexy, super-human with wits and looks incomparable, but lately these thoughts have taken on more of a serious tone. My rampant fantasy has been invaded by stark reality. Why? Because I am getting older.

The more I reflect on my life and the years gone by, the quicker I come to the crucial and unmistakable conclusion that I’ve changed. I don’t walk with that youthful vigor like I used to. I no longer carry that twinkle in my eye – a subtle manifestation of the rising star within. I had a wicked hearty laugh that screamed ‘look at me! I’m so carefree’. Now, I feel like my inner-being has been suppressed; choked into a weaker and less magnificent form. I want to stop this inevitable transformation, but unfortunately for me I can’t. It’s something beyond my control. A momentous and supernatural force governed by the omniscient hands of God. Time.

Oh Time! When I was a child, we played together; concocted plans of how this life of mine would pan out. By now I was supposed to be 3 years into the career of my dreams, with the man of my dreams, planning the marriage of my dreams.

What happened to that? Why did you suddenly decide that our plans weren’t good enough and that you would throw a medley of other things into the mix? Do you know that you have left me feeling so unfulfilled? So lost in negative thoughts that sometimes I feel like I’m losing myself, and becoming the sardonic person that sees life in a dimmer and less flattening light.

Disappointment. That’s one emotion I have been feeling a lot of lately. Not just because my hopes and dreams are yet to manifest into something concrete and real; I am yet to become the successful woman who I have always aspired to be. By now I always believed that I would be somebody, but not just for me….. for my family. The people who have supported and inspired me thus far. The people who I yearn to see reap from my successes and celebrate jubilantly with me.

When I finished University, fresh-faced and beaming with a degree in hand, I had the whole world ahead of me. I wasn’t the doctor that every Nigerian parent wants their child to be, but I had chosen my field, worked diligently at it, and come out the other side with an achievement that anybody would be proud of. I was naive then; genuinely believing that with ease I would get a high paying job that would magically propel me up the career ladder, and expose me to inconceivable opportunities. Well let’s just say that things haven’t been so easy. Actually that is an understatement. My life has become a never-ending mystery, sporadically changing when I least expect it to.

They say life is not a bed of roses-. In fact I find that it consists predominantly of sharp and itchy thorns, with a few sweet and pretty roses to bring intermittent relief. It’s just one big obstacle course; a survival of the fittest. The question is, have you been working out? Have you been building up that health and fitness to steer you around the wobbly bits and have you vaulting over hurdles? For me, I could say I’m getting there. There are so many ways that I can better myself and Lord knows I’m working on it.

Sometimes I feel stranded, like I am on a rotting rafter, floating in the middle of nowhere whilst my peers cut through the water around me, dashing off to lands of greener pastures. I’m still lost, searching for the job that pushes me to realize my true potential and the relationship that gives me complete and utter fulfillment. But until I find that I am calling on my God, and surrounding myself with a supportive framework of family and friends that keep me going when my engine’s running dry. As my mum always says ‘there’s a season for everything’, so if you find yourself in a similar situation, like nothing is going right. Be encouraged and know that you are not alone.

If you have been or are going through a similar situation, share your comments and experiences below.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Michael Zhang

Bim Akinmade is a budding writer and Psychology graduate; raised in England but with hopes of one day returning to Nigeria. Communication is key, and she believes that the time is now for people to empower and encourage each other by sharing their experiences and beliefs. Bim recently completed her NYSC in 2012; a tumultuous journey with several twists and turns, all of which are documented in her blog. Follow her on http://beingme360.wordpress.com/ and on twitter @Bimmykins2012 to engage in thought-provoking discussions and share your experiences on a vast array of topics from NYSC to relationships.

5 Comments

  1. romy

    July 7, 2014 at 10:29 pm

    Its good to know I’m not alone but I believe that with time, everything would eventually into place. Time indeed does heal all. Much love Bim.

  2. vivadrew

    July 8, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Nice one there. Lately, I’ve been feeling this sort….not being what I want to or getting there either. Am working, yeah, in a great sector and my job is fulfilling but more or something deep is missing….just one thing isn’t connecting and am seriously doing an inner soul searching to figure it out. Lord help

  3. queenbee

    October 31, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    I relate to this article,I also studied psychology getting a job is so difficult.
    Now I regret studying I blame myself for not being able to study medicine law and other promising careers,my boyfriend is also looking for job too makes it worse

  4. queenbee

    October 31, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    It’s good and I feel better knowing am not alone in this situation…..thanks for sharing Bim

  5. lolly pop

    November 1, 2014 at 7:20 am

    Tanks so much Bim. I always tot am alone dat my roads are tangled. I feel relax by reading dis

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