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Aunty Bella: Miss. He Left Me after I Housed Him for 7 Months

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Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

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We received this letter from distraught ‘Miss M’ last night. The letter has been paraphrased.

My boyfriend of 3 years is cheating on me.

We met during my ‘IT’ in the company where he works, he was serving at that time. We’re both close to each others’ families. He met my family though not on a marriage basis. Every time I asked him when we are settling down, it always caused arguments.

I housed him for 7 months because his job was threatened at that time as he was always coming late due to traffic. He comes to VI from Ijaiye which is very far and I rent on the island, so I felt I had to help him.

I found out he was cheating because he forgot his phone and I went through it, and when I confronted him about it, he said it was true, so he apologized and I forgave him … but I know he kept seeing the girl even while he was in my house!

Now I also found out he has been renting a house for 6 months now without letting me know it. He secretly got the place and told me he was moving to his uncle’s place. I found out about it because we had an issue at some point and he told my sis and my friend that has been working on the house, that he wanted to surprise me with it, which I know was a lie.

I love him so much, I’ve sacrificed a lot for him but I want to move on. He has really hurt me so much, I have lots of people asking for my hands in marriage but he keeps disturbing me and his parents keep calling me to resolve the issue.

I did everything to make him happy.

Now I’m 27 years old, where do I start from? I feel like hurting him, making him pay for every pain he has caused me, please I need advice Bella … thanks.

~ Miss M

Photo Credit: Korzeniewski | Dreamstime.com

53 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    October 22, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    My dear, being 27 years doesn’t mean you can’t start over again…. A man like this would lie to you EVERY day of your married life! There are many fishes(men) in the sea!
    Bikonu kick him out of your life and move on!

    • Nahum

      October 22, 2014 at 2:07 pm

      Please tell this girl o!!! Which one is 27 again? I started again at 28, 30 then 31 until I finally married at 32. And if that relationship had not worked out, I would have started again. Is there a time limit on love? Abeg stop acting like a desperado and open your eyes and see the user and cheat for who he truly is!

    • fyre

      October 22, 2014 at 5:10 pm

      I wanna be like u when I grow up

  2. Annie

    October 22, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    This babe self, when i hear babes say things like ‘now i am 27 where do i start from’ i shake my head, carry out a research and you will see it isnt about age, there are a lot of ladies in their 30s that ve done more than house guys, infact lets leave that story for another day. Bottom line is, just like education, it is never too late to start over again, better late with something worth it than early with misery all day…

  3. TANTRA

    October 22, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    Don’t hurt him. It won’t make you better. Move on with your life. You can either see him as your former tenant or as one of the frogs you had to kiss. A better man who will house/marry you will come as long as you move on. I wish you well.

  4. Africhic

    October 22, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Why do you say ”I am 27″ like you are so old. My dear move on with your life, you will meet someone else.

  5. marietta

    October 22, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    A cheat is always a cheat. he got a place and for 6 months hid that from you?? girl…. red signs all over this one!! you need to break it off. he’s not ready to commit. he is not for you. move on.

  6. bruno

    October 22, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    why in god’s name will you ever forgive a man who cheats. you said he apologised, bullsh!t,he was only sorry because he got caught (go and listen to rihanna’s take a bow). If want to do something wicked to him, hide his car keys or hide his apartment keys. let him look for it and suffer. then leave him, with time,u will realize that he was not worth ur stress and u are better of without him.

    • Idomagirl

      October 22, 2014 at 4:35 pm

      for the first time ever I agree with you…

    • bruno

      October 22, 2014 at 5:16 pm

      @idomagirl, as if I give a sh! t. if u like agree with me if you like dont na u cup of tea.bye felicia

    • ATL's Fibest

      October 22, 2014 at 9:26 pm

      Lmao!, or better still listen to Karli Redd lol..

  7. TA

    October 22, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    Dear Miss M,
    Lots of hugs coming your way. Here,take another and another. Take a deep breath and smile or try to 🙂
    Sorry for all the hurt and pain you are feeling. but guess what? You will heal. Cry and let out all the pain by talking to a trusted friend or sibling or if writing is your thing, write down your feelings. After that,please move on. It is never easy to move on,but once you do,it may be one of the best decisions you ever made. Do not spend anymore time thinking or plotting how to get back at him. It is a total waste of your precious energy and will only prolong the hurt.He will get what is coming to him…just you watch. Talk to your family, explain clearly why you cannot be with this man who probably never loved you from the onset. If you see the need to, you can also tell his folks politely that you cannot be with their son. Abeg nor be by force. Whatever you decide to do, do not go back him. Wishing you the best. Xoxo

  8. Amelia Thermop

    October 22, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    You can start by knowing your self worth and leaving that unserious fellow alone. If he did all you said he did be rest assured that karma has no deadline.

  9. okpagu

    October 22, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Is high time u move on my sister,he is not for u

  10. Grown Woman

    October 22, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    Oh dear we ladies we will never learn, oya please leave him and look for a possible suitor in those asking you for a hand in marriage…it is even a chance for you to explore your options and leave tht cheating bf of yours…Ladies and gents we must learn to be very strong when it comes to these heart matters.Why go through all this pain?You helped him and he dissapointed you so please move on with your life and find someone who will appreciate your efforts.Even if he introduces you to the whole clan, if he has no intention of marrying you, he won’t do so. Now this is what we women causes us problems sometimes “Every time I asked him when we are settling down, it always caused arguments” im not a rship expert but i believe if a man wants to settle down, he will do the right thing this can seem as if you nagging him. That guys needs to grow up and act his shoe size mxm.#Enoughofmyrantingfortheday# lol

  11. Gistyinka Blog

    October 22, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    Don’t make any funny move,because he might come in nearest future. Stay strong and move on with your life..

  12. BellaNoire (www.BellaNoireShop.com)

    October 22, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    Hi M,
    It’s great to see that you are consciously trying to end it and move on. Hurting him will seem to bring satisfaction now, but it will sit on your conscience and trust me, that is the last baggage you need. 27 is not too late for a fresh start and DON’T jump straight into a fresh relationship after the break. Take time out to de-stress your mind and just take life one day at a time till you are mentally prepared for another relationship and PLEASE, pray about the next one.
    No need crying over garbage.

  13. naomi

    October 22, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    Women are the architects of their own problems. How can u house some1 in a place ‘you’ are renting?seriously??are you holiday inn?someone that is working just like you? look at the foundation of your relationship gal! anyway focus on upgrading yourself n stop playing saviour. Ur age doesn’t matter, u have your life ahead of u full of oppotunities and love and happiness. Don’t dwell on him. Eat,pray, love sis. xx

    • Nahum

      October 22, 2014 at 2:10 pm

      She playing Captain save a ho’

    • Bukola

      October 22, 2014 at 6:10 pm

      God bless you Naomi, i am laughing really hard “are you holiday inn”.
      Miss M, please you are still very young to start afresh, i pray you find peace!!!

  14. omoibo

    October 22, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    Miss M, the pain of betrayal hurts but here’s my advice to you. Move on and let him be, don’t focus on the door that’s closing and then you miss out on another door that’s being opened to you. Life happens, karma will deal with buddie. Take on day at time & this too shall pass….. Sending you a virtual hug

  15. zee

    October 22, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    U deserve better gal, don’t ever think of hurting anyone who did u wrong, there is karma, it may come slowly but while u r waiting pls and pls move on

  16. Didi Melvin

    October 22, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Miss m darl, don’t do anything that u might regret, for me, my adivce for you is to move on and work hard for urself, ur crying cos u are 27, 27’s not tool old naaaa! He might surface again, that’s when you will deal with him anyhow you want… but for now,,,, take a chill pill and walk the walk… nobody’s worth the sweat babe…@didizecks

    1
    • Tee

      October 22, 2014 at 2:14 pm

      revenge is for God o, like you also can’t be that bored to be holding on to that beef till he, (magically) , by the grace of god crosses paths with you again…seriously??? There are so many fine foxes out there, live your life.

  17. NaijaBallers

    October 22, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    Stay Strong my dear.. all fingers are not equal and being a 27 years lady doesnt mean at all stay strong and have hope the next man might be at ur door step right now so cheer up…

  18. joy

    October 22, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Same goes to me dear, but am 24yrs old, take heart darling it is well, may God help you.

  19. abigail

    October 22, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    27? Your still young, it’s hard but you really need to move on, there are great and amazing guys out there. Thank God for everything, it’s usually for your good

  20. bella naija

    October 22, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    ASK GOD FOR A HUSBAND.WAIT 2 OR 3YRS MAY BE SOONER FOR HIM. GOD WILL ANSWER IN YOUR DREAM. RELY ON HIM

    • bruno

      October 22, 2014 at 1:38 pm

      the same way I asking god for a private jet for the last 10 years. youre an idiot.

    • bruno is a pig

      October 22, 2014 at 5:15 pm

      You’re such an a$*4013!

  21. Ololade

    October 22, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    My dear, you are 27…..Life is at your feet. If a guy cheats on you during courtship, he will eventually cheat on you when you are married. Everyday heal you heart with the truth that God loves you no matter what, forget him, move on, a Allow a better man to love you. And I tell you in some few years, you will be better for it…It is not easy ooo, but decide it to move on, one day at a time..Hugsss……..Before I go don’t ever house any guy in your house AGAIN..

  22. Ade

    October 22, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    Dear M,

    You’ll be fine. One of the gift of time is healing and erasing memories..

    First things first write down your pain, pray about it and then work on being positive.

    The next good man will only see your positivity, so don’t give in.

    Cheers Lady!

    From a good guy.

  23. papermoon

    October 22, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    he is a huge bullet waiting to hit you, the earlier you swerve the better for you. About hurting him, dont border your pretty head about it, life has a way of paying such meanness back in very funny ways. Even if life is kind to him, i believe with time you will appreciate why God got you out of there and you will be too grateful to be bordered that he is happy.

  24. benny

    October 22, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    Who has done this terrible thing to the mental framework of nigerian girls. Since when did 27 become an age for desperation for marriage. 27 o! 27????? Hian! My dear u r young, have fun and stop putting urself in unnecessary domestic situations

    • Idomagirl

      October 22, 2014 at 4:39 pm

      I just tire!!! 27 is now seen as old. Na wa…

  25. Tee

    October 22, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    I’m no love doctor but what I do know is that you need to talk to him. It will be very awkward and you might drive yourself nuts because at that meeting (if you do decide to stage 1) you might not be able to stop yourself from killing him a thousand times in your mind.
    But it is better to resolve any issue you have with him now because you might end up living the rest of your life thinking what if.
    Plus, you’re 27 not 127 I mean seriously now, you’re too hard on yourself. Improve yourself; learn from this situation and know that love still is a priceless act of selflessness…Keep being wonderful, don’t let the many frogs you have to kiss till you meet your prince charming turn a princess into a toad. Keep strong.

  26. Davis

    October 22, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    How i wish i have a woman a litle as kind as u r, i whld be so happy to stay true to. But my dear, we men are so hard 2get 1 who could b dat true and faithful to a woman who wishes to be like a money 4u. I wish u all d best in life. 07067290567

  27. Spanner

    October 22, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    if you haven’t dumped him already, take your time, you have plenty of time to think of how you’d like to do it…someone who cheats on you and can hide a house from you, can hide a deadly disease from you. They say how you treat little things determines how you’ll treat bigger ones. Save yourself girl, it’s not too late. RUUUN. Ask him why he didn’t tell you about his new place, if no reasonable answer is forthcoming from him like “oh sorry babe, I’ve been quarantined in my house by the FG for suspected Ebola infection and they confiscated my phone”….if he has nothing remotely as understandable as an excuse…DUMP him. People aren’t stupid, someone can see when someone is tolerating them because they most probably want to get married. If you make yourself his tool, you can’t cry years down line that he treats you like a tool with no emotions. You saw it coming.

  28. blady

    October 22, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    my dear i was 27 when the same thing happened to me but i decided to move.Today i am so happy with my decision i got a lovely,caring God fearing man who brings out the best of me.i am very happy. please move on the best is ahead.age is just a number. what destroy relationships/marriages is unfaithfulness. Commit everything into the Lord’s hands and please don’t date any guy who pass around due to age. pressure. work on yourself while God is bringing your man.Stay Blessed

  29. concerned9ja

    October 22, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    You women need to be honest with each other and tell it how it is so others can learn….you housed him..fed him and probs gave him free sex which you probably enjoyed and freely participated in…well once you yield into your weakness you heading for a fall..lesson learnt no doubt!!

  30. Joan

    October 22, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Move on dear, it’s not the end of the road for you, go to God in prayers & He will help you out of your confuse state for with God nothing is impossible. Carry on with your life cos the right man is on the way. Do not try to pay back cos you never can tell when the right man will be passing…. It is well with your soul .

  31. Leo

    October 22, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Babe what are u waiting for, pls move on with your life because if he sincerely loves and value you he will not cheat on u.
    Pls move one and start a new life

  32. Mystique

    October 22, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    He used you…. simple as. Pls dont walk away from the relationship; ruuuuuun away. the guy is no good. #nufsaid

  33. kas

    October 22, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    You said you lots of people asking for your hand in marriage right, You better accept 1 of the offers and move on….. you almost 3O

    • Idomagirl

      October 22, 2014 at 4:37 pm

      Abeg shush. Typical marriage worshiping Nigerian, it’s because of clowns like you that so many women (and men) are rushing into marriage and ending up in less than ideal situations. She’s almost 30 so what?

  34. Asgrl

    October 22, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. We women always ask God to open our eyes so we can see clearly. Well this is God whispering to you already. Hear him and heed his call.

  35. me

    October 22, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    You provided a convenience for him aka your home does not mean he will love you in return. His needs have been met, it was time for him to move on… You too move on, you hava learnt a lesson

  36. pipi

    October 23, 2014 at 8:32 am

    do you know what the best revenge is… do you know what will hurt him so bad.. U MOVING ON!!.. focus on getting better and doing sooo well. so when he sees u in 10 years he go carry head hit wall. focus on urself.

  37. Magz

    October 23, 2014 at 10:14 am

    I just don’t get it! You housed, fed, banged & probably did other chores for him for SEVEN Months!!!!!! How??? Why??? Time for some tough love:

    1) You should not have done that. you shouldn’t!
    2) Never judge a man’s willingness through that of his family. It’s his own that matters at the end of the day
    3) If cooking and adding a powerful laxative to his food will make you a little less hurt, please go for it! (It is part of moving on). You can forgive him after this and kick him out!
    4) On behalf of all the 25-30 year old single ladies out there, I beg you; never refer to 27 in that “I am almost Methuselah” tone again.

    Please, go out, have fun, go out on dates, be wise, eat, pray, sing, pray, take ice cream. Just move on, the jerk is not worth it. *Hugs*

  38. Femme de l'Avenir

    October 23, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Nnem, y are you even writing this letter? Leave him!

    Lets not even be hard on her for playing wife to the guy. What is done is done and IMO with two understanding adults ready to do the work, living together married or not is not a crime & thanks not to quote the bible to me.

    Ladies, growing old does not hurt. It is your small opinions of yourselves and your insecurities that hurt you. Where do u start from @ 27? Sheeshhh…..girl don’t even let me come for you!

  39. okoli Ebere Lucy

    October 28, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    The only way to revenge is to move on an succeed. I love living men with had I known I wouldn’t hv leave her. Omoh carry go better things are ahead

  40. bigspirit

    October 29, 2014 at 7:46 am

    bruno’s comments… priceless. Sounds a lot like someone i know. Miss M. move on, u’d be glad u did.

  41. Hot ice

    November 5, 2014 at 9:06 am

    Regrets are only wasted thoughts..U must equally know everything happens for a reason.yeah u were too blinded in love to see that that guy was neva going to be the man for u.u deserve better than him and it is never too late to love.that guy was just a mean and low down ass.it is good he showed his true colors this early rather than in matrimony.move on gurl..u will find someone who will cherish you

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