Aunty Bella: Miss. Tired of Living But I Don’t Want to Give Up
Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija.We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.
We hope BellaNaijarians can provide meaningful and helpful advice.
I am tired. Life has no meaning to me anymore. I thought I had a purpose to live for but it turns out it was actually a facade to hide my depression. Yes, I am depressed; way too depressed to even shove it off as a regular sadness. I am tired. It’s almost as if I am tired of living but I do not want to give up. Life in my opinion is as sweet as can be. It doesn’t really matter if you’re depressed or have nothing to live for. My perspective is anything is better than death. My mind won’t trick my actions to take my life. I love the idea of living.
Growing up, as a little petite girl, I was very controversial. I was a nut casem – mysterious, weirdo, open for many other evil definition. I did a lot of stuff I wasn’t supposed to do, but that is not a surprise from an assumed possessed girl. I wasn’t surprised at my actions. I enjoyed a little too much. Regardless, being someone with feelings and a very sensitive one at that, I felt rejected and odd – always different and inferior. It may have been as a result of the names that I was being thrown at. I triggered those words, but I still felt left out and I didn’t like the feeling.
It got to a point were I would do the bare minimum and my case would be a very loud story all across. and people wouldn’t even give it a thought or two because this is something I would do.
My story is nothing short of a tragic one and I give up trying to prove myself. I give up trying. I am a mess right now, with little or no priority and this may have something to do with my childhood. might seem a little victim-ish to blame everything on my childhood, especially when I was a wild child.
I also forgot to mention my family environment may have also triggered my wild behavior as a child. sigh. Could all my problems stem from something or was I just born this stubborn?
I don’t know. I am confused. I need to shift focus. All the trauma I faced as a child seem to never go away and has figured its way into my adulthood. It’s always some form of drama going on in my life. and I am partly to blame….because I can’t help with some of the things I do.
This is most likely a cry for help. I can’t trust anyone right now. I feel like my life is a rock right now. nothing can penetrate it in other to fix it. But I don’t want to give up on living which automatically means I still have to keep trying.
Any advice on how to undo my life? I will willing adhere to it. Thank you.
Photo Credit: Fotos.com.ng