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Aunty Bella: Miss. Tired of Living But I Don’t Want to Give Up

BellaNaija.com

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Aunty Bella

Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija.We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.

We hope BellaNaijarians can provide meaningful and helpful advice.
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I am tired. Life has no meaning to me anymore. I thought I had a purpose to live for but it turns out it was actually a facade to hide my depression. Yes, I am depressed; way too depressed to even shove it off as a regular sadness. I am tired. It’s almost as if I am tired of living but I do not want to give up. Life in my opinion is as sweet as can be. It doesn’t really matter if you’re depressed or have nothing to live for. My perspective is anything is better than death. My mind won’t trick my actions to take my life. I love the idea of living.

Growing up, as a little petite girl, I was very controversial. I was a nut casem – mysterious, weirdo, open for many other evil definition. I did a lot of stuff I wasn’t supposed to do, but that is not a surprise from an assumed possessed girl. I wasn’t surprised at my actions. I enjoyed a little too much. Regardless, being someone with feelings and a very sensitive one at that, I felt rejected and odd – always different and inferior. It may have been as a result of the names that I was being thrown at. I triggered those words, but I still felt left out and I didn’t like the feeling.

It got to a point were I would do the bare minimum and my case would be a very loud story all across. and people wouldn’t even give it a thought or two because this is something I would do.

My story is nothing short of a tragic one and I give up trying to prove myself. I give up trying. I am a mess right now, with little or no priority and this may have something to do with my childhood. might seem a little victim-ish to blame everything on my childhood, especially when I was a wild child.

I also forgot to mention my family environment may have also triggered my wild behavior as a child. sigh. Could all my problems stem from something or was I just born this stubborn?

I don’t know. I am confused. I need to shift focus. All the trauma I faced as a child seem to never go away and has figured its way into my adulthood. It’s always some form of drama going on in my life. and I am partly to blame….because I can’t help with some of the things I do.

This is most likely a cry for help. I can’t trust anyone right now. I feel like my life is a rock right now. nothing can penetrate it in other to fix it. But I don’t want to give up on living which automatically means I still have to keep trying.

Any advice on how to undo my life? I will willing adhere to it. Thank you.

Sigh. 🙁

Photo Credit: Fotos.com.ng

11 Comments

  1. Poesy

    September 4, 2018 at 2:35 am

    Dear Poster,
    I see you. I feel your pain and I acknowledge that your feelings are valid.
    I’m sorry that you have unresolved pain in your life. You are very brave for reaching out and taking control of your destiny and this action has put you on your road to recovery. I have faced challenges similar to yours and what is helping me is therapy. I don’t know where you live and whether that’s an option easily available to you but that’s what I recommend. If you can get a copy of The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne and do some of the exercises in it, that would be great. All the best.

  2. Jade

    September 4, 2018 at 2:52 am

    Have you tried Jesus. He is all you need! He will give you peace.

    • didi

      September 5, 2018 at 6:15 am

      God bless you jade, my dear when you come to God you will realise your past is irrelevant to him, abi no be God create you? Who else can accuse, curse or blame you for anything in your past when the ALMIGHTY GOD has told you he WILL clean your slate when you come to him? That thing or person is not yet born my dear. You no get problem my love ehh just come to jesus, the fact that MAJORITY of people on social medis will prescribe THERAPY does not mean they are right though it will work for a time but GOd goes deep into your life to remove any issue there. Its not like the devil will not remind you from time to time but after youhave known the truth ehhh it wont matter what people or the devil will say you will have the right response to them. So like jade said try JESUS he is the way to GOd and remember God loves you sooooooooooooo much what any other person or thing thinks is VERY IRRELEVANT cause he owns life itself. Stay beautiful.

  3. Mamamia

    September 4, 2018 at 3:16 am

    Nobody can ever understand the struggles we have in our hearts. Life as we know it , isnt as we know it anymore. Your coming out is surely a step in the right direction., Be strong dear, with everything you have been through, you are here and that is all that matters that you are here still working out this thing called life. You are doing fine dear! Seek God, appreciate the lil things, go for therapy, volunteer. in all of these put less pressure on yourself, like I said most of us haven’t figured this thing called life yet, You are doing fine better than most of us atleast.

  4. amara

    September 4, 2018 at 10:29 am

    Dear Poster,

    I do not know how you feel, but i am trying to imagine from your write up.
    As bad as it seems, continue to win in not giving up. That is one thing you have done well so far.

    Everyone has some sort of issues, even though yours may seem the worst ever. Someone out there might also think you have a better case.

    Take some time, cry out, then shake it off and go kick some ass.
    Go feed someone who has given up all hope on ever eating today. could be one mad man on your street. Go do something nice for somebody who can never repay you. Be a SUPERHERO to someone today and feel wonderful about it. If you have lunch for today, share it with somebody who has none. A stranger. Pay for someone’s fees if you have the money. Sit with someone who is sad over something which may seem trivial compared to how you feel and motivate them.

    In doing so, you will realize you are waaay needed in this world, even if it is just to make someone smile.

    • Grace

      September 5, 2018 at 3:41 pm

      Thank you so much for this. i deeply appreciate your concern.

  5. Lilo

    September 4, 2018 at 1:13 pm

    I feel you and your braveness to share this is proof that you are resilient and will definitely overcome. I ve learned that some of these deep seated pains/issues never go away. We just get better with coping with them. Coping, is an actual skill and we need to learn them. Some days are definitely better than others but you just have to keep chugging along. I love the earlier poster saying that you feelings are valid. That’s deep because with mental and emotional discomfort, we worsen it thinking we are supposed to always be happy and giddy. God forbid we feel slightly unhappy, we need a fix When in reality any range of feeling and emotions are valid if only we can accept and seek less perfection. May it be well with you.

    • Grace

      September 5, 2018 at 3:40 pm

      Amen and thank you so much

  6. beba

    September 4, 2018 at 7:47 pm

    I know exactly how you feel, I have been there. I have tried to kill myself several times. The last time, my baby brother about 4 years old then saw me with the knife crying, he held me and told me to stop crying, I couldn’t bring myself to do it because of the emotional scar it would have left on him.
    Life may seem bleak at times but there’s always a pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow. My life is by no means perfect, I still want for so many things but I have found God and I have put him and charge of my life and I have seen a great turn around.

    • Grace

      September 5, 2018 at 3:39 pm

      sigh. it’s really tough but thanks so much for the encouragement.

  7. Grace

    September 5, 2018 at 3:38 pm

    Thank you to everyone for your advise. i appreciate each and everyone of them and i will try my best to do better with my life. Thanks so much for the honest concerns!!!

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