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Isio Knows Better: Public Display of Urination

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imageI went out last night with an older friend of mine; between munching peppered gizzard and cabbage, we started talking about colonialism and institutionalized racism, which led us to acknowledging the distasteful things some of our people do and take for granted that cannot be blamed on anything or anyone. It was just bad behaviour that could neither be justified (for most people) nor excused (in most instances).

“How do you mean?” I had asked interestedly.

“Take for instance, something that is seen here ever so often, even here on the island. In broad daylight, a guy whips out his penis and starts to urinate in public in the full glare of passers-by. He doesn’t even care enough to even face the bushes, he faces the roads, unfazed. Isn’t that what an animal would do? When my dog need to pee when out for a walk, it does the exact same thing – it spreads apart its thighs – not caring when or where – and urinates.

And yet that person would take great offence to being likened to an animal by anyone (especially another of a different race). The irony being that by his very own actions, he, as a coherent and functioning adult, chooses to acts as one. Such a one would be quick to play the racism card, but racism with all its evils cannot be blamed for such base bad behaviour- especially in Nigeria.”

That got me sha… into a deep long pause. How do you argue with that?

First of all, before one forms any kind of retaliatory argument, let us acknowledge that the social behaviour of many of those within some of our social circles, is NOT an accurate representation of those of the average Nigerian. The “nice” part of Lagos is still a very small part of a very big Nigeria. In the same vein, the people who actually practice proper social etiquette amongst those who live in these so called “nice” parts of Lagos kpaakpaa are fewer still…

Now you get the idea.

Even in these so called “nice” places, many men are assaulting and traumatizing innocent civilians with their flaccid kplaskpekus all in the name of relieving themselves. Oga, we know thou art the undisputed King of the Jungle, we no wan see ya beans… biko enter bush. As if doing that is not bad enough, some would then take their sweet time, throw their head back (to collect fresh breeze) and do the “shake” – i.e. that action of shaking the thing left-and-right vigorously, (I don’t know what you people are shaking there) sending unruly droplets of pee flying like acid rain.

That was how one day I was discussing with my designer outside my house. Opposite my house was a field of grass in an empty plot of land. I had parked my car on that side of the street. Suddenly two well-dressed guys in a car arrived and parked their car directly in front of mine. No biggy.

The guy in the passenger side strolled out of the car and started fiddling with his pants. Small biggy wan dey here sha o…

Then he unzipped his pants and brought out his kplaskpekus from that his smelling nyansh…

(*insert question* Ahan Isio! How you take know say em yansh dey smell?)

Abeggi! Make we leave matter for Matthias. Pesin wey do the kain tin wey this man do MUST get smelling nyansh.

Ehen, as I was saying… this fellow brought out his kplaskpekus in front of my designer and I (my designer is male by the way), and started urinating on the tyre of my car. Walahi, not only did he pour an alarmingly voluminous quantity of wee-wee on it, he had the audacity to do the “shake” – sending those yama-yama droplets flying!

ABOMINATION! Taaaaaah!

I was speechless, perplexed, shocked, horrified, flabbergasted, assaulted, traumatized and just… nahhh! Whatever gist my designer and I were gisting just vamoosed with the speed of light out of our brains and out of the universe sef.

WHATTTT?! What did I just see? LIQUID?! PISS?! On my property? HOW? WHO? WHY?! Trust me na, the Niger Delta in me just resurrected! My designer could see the charge coming forth and gave me the Isio-please-ignore-him look. Ignore kini? I no gree… I queried Mr Piss-piss in my most thunderous “conkest” Nigerian accent

“HELLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO! HEIZZZ! OGA! WOTISDIZ?! AHAN?! How can you come down from YOUR car to come and pour your piss on my tyre?! Why didn’t you face the empty bush BESIDE you or better still, POUR it on your own tyre?!!!! Ahannnn, please I don’t like it!”

“Oh my God, I am so sorry!” he sputtered his apologies, fumbling with his pants- now clearly embarrassed.

Ehen… so you can feel shame? Strange you felt no shame whipping out your thing, but you are embarrassed to be called out on it abi? Na wa for some people sha.

Then his friend flew out of the car and offered a half-hearted apology while whisking his friend away and hurriedly crossed the street, away from me – both looking at me with suspicious eyes, like I was a strange one who came from a planet where civilized human beings didn’t go around peeing on other people’s cars in public. Like, duhhhhh?! Earthlings pee on tyres, what planet are YOU from? Yes, that kind of suspicious eye.

Apparently, he was the suitor of one of the girls in the next building.

“Abeg carry your smelling kplaskpekus commot for road, oni’doti.” I said nothing out loud but wrinkled my fierce displeasure at both fleeing men. Few minutes later, I took my anti-bacterial spray, insecticide and anointing oil to disinfect and anoint my car with the blood of Jesus. I tried not to grumble while at it. Because I still didn’t understand how a human being could do such a thing— when you are not an evil spirit. Oga o!

It is very unusual, and relative to the opposite sex, highly uncommon, but there are some women who open their legs yakataaa and semi-squat across narrow gutters to emit a stinging spray of urine in public. God is watching all of you, ye destroyers of our eco-system. Polluting our gutters and wondering why all the tadpoles have died in Lagos.

In short, methinks there is only one justifiable reason under the sun to ever wee-wee in public: your bladder wan burst, but no toilet within a 5-mile radius. Then by all means, offload your liquid into the nearest bush and while at it, kindly hide yaself from view of innocent people waka-passing. SIMPLE!

There is simply no excuse to brandish your privates (male/female) to the world just because you need to urinate.

So now I throw this question to you all – how can you justify such behaviour? As an offender, pray tell – and as a good citizen of this great nation who is sick and tired of being assaulted by visions of kplaskpekuses you wished you never saw. Can you justify adults urinating in full glare of the public?

Isio De-laVega Wanogho is a Nigerian supermodel, a multi-award winning media personality and an interior architect who is a creative-expressionist at her core. She uses words, wit and her paintings to tell stories that entertain, yet convey a deeper meaning. Follow her on Instagram @isiodelavega and visit her website: http://www.idds.pro to see her professional body of work.

79 Comments

  1. me12u

    January 20, 2015 at 9:13 am

    My Tuesdays is always good. Thanks to Isio. Now, let me go read what we have here.

    • me12u

      January 20, 2015 at 9:26 am

      More like I am the first to comment, #waiting to read comments from others.

  2. Berry Dakara

    January 20, 2015 at 9:13 am

    I think the time is ripe for my new website – NaijaPees.com where pictures of such offenders will be posted for all to see!!!

    Berry Dakara Blog

    • derhmy

      January 20, 2015 at 9:38 am

      hehhehehe a wikid geh u are berry…

    • cleo

      January 20, 2015 at 10:25 am

      I support you 1000 percent Berry. It is so annoying and disgusting. I think having their pictures in public will show them how disgusting they look

    • Tru

      January 20, 2015 at 11:02 am

      I’m with you on that one sister. Horrible people.

    • Colour Purple

      January 20, 2015 at 11:58 am

      If you’ve never been heavily pregnant and seriously pressed which happens about 4 times every hour or getting older and realizing your bladder doesn’t work the way it used to or getting stuck in serious traffic and before you could reach an eatery or home you have to choose between your leather or the road you’ d never understand what would make you pee beside the expressway. Till then I’d advise u to put a hold on your plans before you become a victim yourself 🙂

    • ColourBlue

      January 20, 2015 at 2:00 pm

      Madam haba we sef ve been preggers b4 naa, she gave you an exception now , she said and i quote verbatim ‘your bladder wan burst, but no toilet within a 5-mile radius. Then by all means, offload your liquid into the nearest bush and while at it, kindly hide yaself from view of innocent people waka-passing. SIMPLE!’…………….so all these factors must be considered and dont forget na for bush and hidden from the prying eyes of passer-bys….shikena

    • mimi

      January 20, 2015 at 4:14 pm

      I am pregnant, i spent 4hrs on the road from office to home , but i NEVER tried exposing my fair a*s outside all in the name of seriously pressed. I either stop at nearby eatery or available complex/office and my condition do the talking for me.

    • Joe

      December 6, 2016 at 9:56 am

      By all means do that. I am thinking of doing the same

  3. Neo

    January 20, 2015 at 9:14 am

    I cant even pee in some toilets talk less of peeing outside! I rather died! I have a bad habit of holding my pee till i get to the comfort of my own porcelain throne where i can do my business in peace and supreme confidence. Those men who pee on the road, i cant ever understand it. Is it liberating or what? When we were growing up my brothers nearly gave my mother chronic high bp. They would get up from the comfort of the house, leaving 3 perfectly working toilets behind and go pee in the gutter in front of the house!!! the woman would shout, she shouted sotay she resorted to prayer. It was like they just designated that gutter as their toilet and becasue i knew when they went about their business, I grew up with an aversion to shaking men! When you piss for outside, soap and wash hand basin dey dere to take wash hand??? Kpowai! Then you will bring that hand housing ten million variants of bacteria to come and shake sombody. Is that not bio terrorism? Biko shift!

    • derhmy

      January 20, 2015 at 9:40 am

      LMAO @ bio terrorism

    • MIA

      January 20, 2015 at 10:14 am

      My brothers do this all the time. I just don’t get it.

    • TA

      January 20, 2015 at 12:02 pm

      Dead @ bioterrorism. Hahahhaha. You BN pipul will not kii somebody one day. Lmao. 🙂 I also share an aversion to shaking the hands of most guys . When I was a Youth corper, I worked in an office where my desk was adjacent to the wash hand-basin for both the male and female urinals. I noticed that an alarming number of males NEVER washed their hands. Plus the Oyinbo ogas sef. You see them enter the loo do their business and walk past the washing basin/bowl. I always wanted to scream at them ”you should go and wash your stinky hands but of course I dared not”. I get one small story to relate. Once upon a time, I went on a date with a very cute guy I really liked, and he excused himself to go and use the loo. Came back, I kept looking at his hands, guy goes ‘What? raising one cute eyebrow and a half smile with his dimples at me. I was not distracted ojare, I go ‘I am just trying to seeif you washed your hands after using the loo.’ His smile disappeared one time and he stutters and then starts laughing and goes ‘God, you are just like my mom. Na you sabi o.At least he had the decency to go and wash his hands after that. Thankfully, he was not offended. If you are a male and you are close to me (brothers,friends,toasters kpakpa) and you use the loo and I notice you did not wash your hands, I will tell you straight o. No need to vex. Funny thing is women rarely need these reminders. And the average woman would not open her VJJ to pee in public. Even the pregnant woman whose bladder is almost bursting, will look for the nearest restroom but most men? Whosai, na to piss for road.

    • D

      January 20, 2015 at 2:48 pm

      Contrary to popular belief I do not agree that it is a bad habit to hold your pee !!! Yes I am guilty of that…growing up whenever we had to visit people my mum made us hold our pee and when she started becoming aware of things too when we saw some nasty, non-flushing toilets when visiting people we were forced to hold on to that legacy. Even where I am now (outside 9ja) I still don’t pee outside, my husband thinks it is extreme but even here there are some nasty bathrooms in some stores, restaurants and gas stations. Honestly, people just lack good hygiene. At work people in my department people know that I am the bathroom cop. Our department has the cleanest bathroom (for the women) in the building so you see other women coming (from other departments) to use it and some of them will now leave it dirty. Ha I can’t talk because it is company’s property but I give them the evil eye that they soon stop coming.

    • Blessmyheart

      January 20, 2015 at 4:51 pm

      It’s not a bad habit but it could have health implications. I know that but I still won’t pee just anywhere. I’d rather hold it for hours. I can’t even imagine peeing on the road.
      I asked a guy about this habit of men peeing on the road. His response was that women have more control over their bladder. I disagreed. I think it’s just easier for men to pee by the side of the road than women which in turn have made them unable to discipline themselves

    • Neo

      January 20, 2015 at 7:51 pm

      I used the term “bad habit” because it does have adverse health implications, such as higher risks for urinary tract infections which i am aware of. Continuing to hold my pee in light of this awareness IS a bad habit.

    • Pat

      January 22, 2015 at 4:45 am

      Holding your urine has no negative effect. Urine is not as toxic as people make it seem. Well, maybe toxic if one is on drugs.

  4. DAME

    January 20, 2015 at 9:22 am

    LMAO….ISIO the warri gurl…am with you on this all the way o jere…i think it bad habit for a guy to just pee anywhere…woe betide my bf if he does this especially if am with him.

  5. Omoté

    January 20, 2015 at 9:23 am

    There’s absolutely no xcuse 4 such behaviour! Not just pissing in public der’s also d disgusting phlegm-throwing. I always cringe when I hear someone clear his or her throat cos I knw d inevitable is bound to follow, SPLAT! I move away quick, quick! Just incase d splat covers a wider range than I imagined. I dnt see why a grown adult should whip out his penis n pee indiscriminately n neither should anyone throw phlegm on pavement or anywhere else for dat matter. I dnt care whether ‘harmattan dey’ or u r pregnant, it’s just disgusting!

  6. Gabby

    January 20, 2015 at 9:23 am

    Isio, truly u speak my mind. I just don’t get why people feel no shame urinating in public. smh!

  7. Miss K

    January 20, 2015 at 9:33 am

    Laughing very hard @ Few minutes later, I took my anti-bacterial spray, insecticide and anointing oil to disinfect and anoint my car with the blood of Jesus.

    • Ada Nnewi

      January 20, 2015 at 11:45 am

      This part killed me!!!ROTFLMAOOOOOOOO!!!

  8. bruno

    January 20, 2015 at 9:37 am

    wow. I can feel the under tone, this article is a personal attack on men. if a dude wrote this piece, insulting women’s private parts like this, we would be hearing words like sexist or sexism.

    “racism card” how??. nigerians don’t play the racism card at all. pls lets stop trying to feel among.

    isio, I would rather hold my piss till I get home, if I can’t hold it, I will rather piss in a bush than use a public toilet in any nigerian institution (whether its an eatery or a supermarket etc)

    have u seen those toilets, I don’t need to describe it, some of u already know what I mean.

    • ColourBlue

      January 20, 2015 at 2:02 pm

      Bruno the human male species are usually the culprits naaa.. Speak to ya menfolk noni

    • Que

      January 20, 2015 at 4:00 pm

      I doubt its an attack on men generally….just a large chunk… you wont understand the pain till you wear our shoes….its gross behaviour…. how else can I explain seeing a stranger stroll across the front of my house to a wall to relieve himself… then of course like Isio, I stepped out to warn him then he was very embarassed…. just because it feels right to you doesnt mean everyone has to be cool with it…. Both my brothers wont try this kain nonsense….. but I’ve dated someone who came to visit me, as I was seeing him off, I stopped to check for something, only to reach outside behind him and see him using under my corner tree as urine spot….I warn am welll….how do u leave 5 functional toilets inside to pee outside?? Whats wrong with u?!!! Its gross, be it from male or female!

      Abi is it the mallam ones who kukuma pull down their entire shokoto and stoop- with their kettles in hand-for full effect!!!….. whyyyyyyyyyyy???

    • Daisy

      January 20, 2015 at 7:28 pm

      It seems you love controversy? Not bcos you’re right or anything but just Bcos..

    • Joe

      December 6, 2016 at 10:26 am

      Dude, don’t cry or blame the woman who wrote these, or the women commenting, because it is the truth. And I see alot of these dog men. They are also the first to scream indency, when a woman where a bum shot, or something moderate.

  9. PACE

    January 20, 2015 at 9:47 am

    God bless you for this piece Isio. Seems you were born to write lol. This act of publicly displaying ones kplaskpekus in your words is one amongst several acts of indiscipline perpetrated by Nigerians on a daily basis. It’s not such a bother to me this act is perpetrated quite often. What bothers me is places which it’s done. You bring out your willy to urinate in public, not considering the people around watching ranging from young girls, women, boys and men(yes, we have or own organs and don’t need to see what yours looks like). If you have no respect for yourself, you should at least respect others. If you’re so eager to show how much of a lower class animal you are, you can limit your audience to your family and not the entire populace. Have several spots within your compound where you bring out your willy recklessly to urinate. That way, you’ll be doing a very good job in passing the message that you’re a King Kong to those who care or should be on the receiving end for your irresponsible act.

  10. coco

    January 20, 2015 at 9:53 am

    Remembered as a child in Lagos walking to school we ardently studied the growth process of frogs in the gutter. Those were the days. Nowadays ke? Tufiaa! The smell from piss and shit in the gutters can kill a fly.

  11. Frances Okoro

    January 20, 2015 at 10:08 am

    No justification for this abegi.
    Everytime I see men who do this rubbish, I always imagine that the punishment for this crime(yes,it should be a crime) should be soldiers flogging the bum bum of any man caught doing this, even as e dey piss for there.
    Yes, maybe e go stop the rest wanna be offenders…
    Yep, it will really be effective.

    • Erinma

      April 20, 2015 at 5:57 pm

      Me I think there should be a device that imprisons their penis when they start. It should squeeze it tight till the police get them. next time they will think twice because the thing will just be catching them.

  12. Politbru

    January 20, 2015 at 10:13 am

    Our govts at all levels and we black people behave in ways that condemn us. Why would govt not provide clean public conveniences such you find in the malls of Strafford? Then we are not humane spirited, abroad to walk into Mcdonalds and the likes to ease yourself and walk away. Let’s care for one another and free ourselves from these attitudfes.

  13. Daizzy

    January 20, 2015 at 10:17 am

    Isio I could kiss you right now! THIS BAD HABIT GETS ON MY FREAKING NERVES! I refused to take things further with a guy cus he parked the car on our way for a date to pee by the road side! It is disgusting and irritating to turn every street corner into your mini toilet thereby polluting the environment! One can’t even take a stroll by the roadside without perceiving urine odor from every corner! SIMPLY DISGUSTING

  14. Friday's Other Child

    January 20, 2015 at 10:26 am

    I don’t think the issue of urinating in public is simply to do with bad manners. Firstly, many public institutions, particularly in the ‘nice’ parts of Lagos, as it was put in the write up, aren’t very welcoming to people they don’t think are their regular clientele, and people who don’t think they are their regular clientele don’t feel comfortable in those spaces. I’ll illustrate this with two examples, a couple of years ago, some friends and I were at some smoothie place on the Island, one of the friends lived nearby, his slippers had broken, so he called his domestic worker to bring another pair. The worker was usually a Spritely, outgoing young man, but I noticed that as he walked toward us, his body language was very sunken and he looked extremely uncomfortable. He didn’t feel he belonged there. A few weeks ago, I was staying at the Intercontinental on the Island, I’d gone to a restaurant a few meters away – on foot – to meet a friend for breakfast. When I returned to the hotel, the female guards started ‘barking’ at me, trying to stop me from getting in. Because I was ‘Peruvian less’ that day, had thrown on some slippers, a t-shirt and jeans for breakfast and was on foot, it didn’t occur to her that I could have been staying at the hotel, or that I should be granted access.

    Why have i given these illustrations? I highly doubt that the domestic worker i described above would choose popping into the aforementioned smoothie place or any institution like it if he really needed to use the toilet because many environments in ‘nice’ parts of town implicitly or explicitly tell ‘people like him’, that they are not welcome in them. Similarly, given my experience at the intercontinental, I doubt the ‘Iya alata’ sitting nearby would be able to pop in to use the toilet if she desperately needed to. There’s no way they’d let her through the gates and since we don’t have many outdoor public toilets, the sewer nearby is her only option.

    Lastly, let’s not forget that indoor toilets are actually a luxury in Lagos and Nigeria more broadly. There are many communities and millions of people in Lagos alone that don’t have access to indoor toilets, or even outdoor toilets. They have to go on the streets, it’s not an option! Do you then think that if these folk make it to the ‘nice’ part of Lagos, say to trade for the day, that it will even occur to them to find a toilet when they need to use one? I don’t think so. They’ll do what they are forced to do at home – go on the streets.

    There are undoubtedly some instances, like the guy in the write up, who could have just waited until he got indoors, that are just down to poor behaviour, but more broadly, I think this behaviour has been ‘normalised’ because of a lack of decent alternatives.

  15. mz_raph

    January 20, 2015 at 10:26 am

    Lol…i yaff laff tire just reading the comments and then the article itself is so on point…seriously it sickens me when i see a “dressed in black suit” guy stop by the wayside and urinate shamelessly or worse still(this goes for the ladies too) be spitting on the road with each step!! Whatever ur reasons it’s still hard for my small mind to understand ohh!!

  16. Funmilola

    January 20, 2015 at 10:28 am

    Ah isio! You have killed me here.pls tell,me,where did you get that word”kplaskpekuses” from? Ehn!
    Honestly ba, weilding your “boli” or opening your nyash in public to pee is wrong and a dirty habit…..if the thing don press you too much,abeg enter a secluded place.

  17. dior

    January 20, 2015 at 10:31 am

    Lol….. this writeup got me laughing, just yesterday i saw a grown ass man doing number 2 aka taking a dump just along the expressway. this mad man was facing the road with his trousers pulled half way down, slightly squatting so that whateva is cumin out drops in the gutter and of course his kpenkeleme on full display. Because it was a monday n i wasnt planning on strting my wk on a disgusting note, i ignored d sight on display……. i feel terrible for the mothers plying that road with their kids in the car bcos they wld hve to explain and answer so many questions

  18. blow

    January 20, 2015 at 10:46 am

    Truth is, many people lack social etiquette in this country,. I saw that @ NYSC camp; people just touch you for no reason,,,, anyway , story for another day!
    As for the pics matter, if I no fit hold body, I just enter an eatery, buy meat pie /water, anything and use their restroom. Lobatan!

  19. jforjudith

    January 20, 2015 at 10:50 am

    Hehehehehehe. Isio,piss don catch you for public before. I mean that kind piss wey you no go even fit smile. Lol. Anyway the action is not justified,especially when guys want to shake your hands after doing the deed. Ewww. I jus politely decline. Start ‘answering a call’ like I didn’t see the piss hand

  20. cleo

    January 20, 2015 at 10:52 am

    Isio, this public display of urination needs to be given more attention. It used to be by the road side bush when people go on journeys and of course in kilometers there wont be a public urinal. This is understandable. Now they do it by buildings, cars flower gardens etc.
    I support Berry’s idea.
    The assault of eyes and the smelling gutters are just one downside to it.
    Bacteria and other germs they spread nko.
    Please stop urinating in public.

  21. Amy

    January 20, 2015 at 11:17 am

    Nice one Isio.Come to the north and see things for yourself.All the round abouts,them don use shit and piss design them.

  22. onyii

    January 20, 2015 at 11:47 am

    another excuse is if you are pregnant, meeeeeeehn!!!! pregnancy can do wicked things do your bladder, when I even hold the pee for too long, i get these fake contraction (braxton hicks contractions. So when next u see a pregnant woman doing it in full public glare, forgive her abeg, cos if she can`t have access to a restroom as we live in a country where public conveniences are breeding grounds for every type of “craw-craw”…..holding it may not be an option..lol……..

  23. notsaying

    January 20, 2015 at 11:56 am

    hmmm i am guilty of peeing on third mainland bridge once. I was on my way home for work and had been trying to hold the tin but after four hours of squashing my legs and sweating under the the ac and at some point i was afraid to breathe. My friend had mercy on me put of the ac but mehn it didnt work. she just had to park so i can squat and pee. it is not one of my proudest moments but it was either that or pee in the car. i believe if the government can provide more public conveniences, this would encourage the people to do their things in privates.

  24. Mz Socially Awkward...

    January 20, 2015 at 11:58 am

    … and the worst part is that they don’t wash their hands afterwards, Isio. They don’t wash their hands!!!! Think of the endless possibilities for transferring the rogue droplets of urine and whatever micro-organisms are currently residing on the ‘kplaskpekus’ that they were clasping only moments before –

    Possibility 1 – the erstwhile Romeo in your story gets to his Juliet’s abode and gathers her into a warm embrace, whereafter he cups her face with his unwashed fingers and kisses her.
    Possibility 2 – He shakes the hand of an unsuspecting individual
    Possibility 3 – He counts money to pay for something
    Possibility 4 – He picks up someone’s baby or child and smears the wee one with his contagion
    Possibility 5 – I’ve run out of scenarios but it doesn’t mean the possibilities are still not endless.

    The urinating in public isn’t even a real grouse for me, as I’ve seen the strange contraptions called “mobile outdoor urinals” which many city councils in the United Kingdom provide to be placed on the public roads every Friday and Saturday nights. I think that someone, somewhere appreciated that drunk people may not necessarily have the patience of the presence of mind to head towards the nearest indoor toilets to relieve themselves and therefore devised this means to avoid the defacing of public property with copious amounts of urine (a portable toilet’s also provided for the girls and maybe those doing a number 2… the thoughtfulness of oyibos, abi?). So there are ways and methods of peeing in open, public spaces.

    It’s the lack of hygene involved that I can’t deal with.

  25. ibi

    January 20, 2015 at 12:37 pm

    when i laugh, tears roll down my eyes…pls imagine my desk right now…i don die. thanks gal this was amazeballs. so one day i wanted to buy funtime coconut chips, looked at all the vendors and didn’t see any, was abit annoyed until i saw one from a distance, imagine my joy until he stepped off the road a few meters from me and then decided to take a leak. lets just say i want even peckish anymore. and yes ooooo i am also guilty i was heavily pregnant, after a long church service on my way home i just felt the holding pain aka bladder wan burst. pregnant women can relate i guess. we too dey piss.

  26. Just me

    January 20, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    Isio de la Hotness, this article just got me laughing, and reminded me of how I urinated on myself because I could not find a descent place to urinate and did not want to urinate in broad daylight, luckily I wore dark blue jeans and had another jeans in my bag. You may never know what situation you may find yourself that will require you to do the deed in public. This article is onpublic urination, how about when you are having running stomach and travelling a long distance journey by road with public transportation. Na only God go help you that day

  27. S!

    January 20, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    You should visit Nothern Nigeria & see fully grown mallams taking an actual dump by the road.
    They back the roads so their asses are facing commuters & they dump it by the sidewalks.
    Then they use that little rubber kettle they use for praying, fill it with water & use their bare hands (no soap) to wash their asses.
    And then stand up like nothing happened.

  28. TA

    January 20, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    @ MZ SA, you know I have seen that scenario number 4 happen before my very eyes. I kid you not sister. I have seen a man come to an eatery carrying his toddler in his arms and even though he was told that there is no water in the toilet. He still went ahead to use it. He came back out of the toilet and picked up the child from the wife with his unwashed hands!!! I quickly looked away.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      January 20, 2015 at 11:08 pm

      Chai. In fact ehn, na the mercy of God wey make im carry that Ebola comot from Nigeria because the kain yama-yama wey we dey spread anyhow, ehn…

  29. lovin moi

    January 20, 2015 at 1:51 pm

    Chai Isio,u no go kill person,u are one FUNNY girl!!!!

  30. Muna

    January 20, 2015 at 2:22 pm

    thanks for this piece o. its very serious. I was made to understand by a guy that ‘ THE WORLS IS THEIR TOILET’! and then one oyibo lady asked me and a friend why is it that in Nigeria a guy cant kiss his lady in public (I think she and her hubby had been getting the side-eyes for PDAs), but they can whip out comfortably and urinate in public? which is worse? we had no answer!

  31. tee

    January 20, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    Funny things happen , na wa for supreme show of ignorance , lets just say Isio is trying to play dumb and keeping the article comical ( i sincerely hope that’s the case) if not this is utter rubbish , men are wired differently , pee on your tyre (big deal) may be so wrong ,to each his own but bashing men for peeing in public is stupid and insensitive.

    You don’t know peoples medical condition , a lot of people don’t even know their real state of health and you come here displaying this level of stupidity in the name of a joke .

    I also write articles but the first thing you do is research ,don’t just come to a public platform to give wrong judgments and advises , men and women differ , that’s how God made it . No matter how big a man you are , you can’t form when urine comes and even worse if you have a health condition .

    “I will refer you all to this ”

    “Normal” bladder capacity increases by about 1 ounce (roughly 30 ml) per year of age until adult capacity (around 500 ml) is reached at age 16 or so. A newborn’s bladder holds between 30-60 ml, this would mean a 10 year old (on average) could hold between 330-360 ml and a 14 year old would be around 450 ml — on average.

    This does differ quite a lot from person to person, and among both boys and girls there are people who develop faster or slower than others and who have larger or smaller bladders than what would be considered “average”.

    There is really no definitive answer as to whether boys or girls have larger bladders; it depends on the individual person. Boys do tend to develop somewhat slower than girls, and they tend to have more problems with wetting the bed or inability to hold it for a long time during the day (about twice as often as girls).

    Girls tend to have more problems with leaking urine as a result of coughing, sneezing, laughing, etc. — although again, all this varies in both genders and depends on the individual person more than anything else.

    As far as holding it in until you absolutely can’t hold it anymore, it won’t hurt anything if you only do it every once in awhile, but doing it over and over again can weaken the bladder muscles and cause urine to back up to the kidneys, and also increase the likelihood of getting bladder and kidney infections. It is possible to “stretch” the bladder and somewhat strengthen your ability to “hold it” by waiting for a few extra minutes after first feeling the need to urinate, but it’s best not to overdo it. “

    • Chu

      January 20, 2015 at 3:13 pm

      I’m sure you are a man, so he couldn’t hold the pee, that’s why he had to do it against someone’s car tires? Iv’e seen bus conductors do it against their buses and these same buses people will rub against them when rushing in, gross.
      I have a friend that will leave the house and go outside to pee just because he wants to feel breeze on his ‘thing’, does that have anything to do with his bladder? Oh yea men, though art inexcusable in this matter.

    • mua

      January 20, 2015 at 7:39 pm

      keep peeing anywhere ok till snake bites that your blokos you will reset for real, why dont you pee in the public in developed countries? cause you know how that will end. keep messing up naija , soon u ppl will shout Goodluck spoilt everything, common pee inside toilet una will refuse

    • Irritated

      January 23, 2015 at 5:28 am

      You are actually the stupid one. So what if they have medical conditions? Does that mean they don’t have the good sense to stop and ask to use the toilet anywhere around them? I used to have problems with my bladder too, so do you know what I did? I ensured I didn’t leave anywhere I was to go on a journey without first stopping to use the loo. I also avoided drinking too much fluid in places where there were no toilets. But I NEVER peed in public. There are always a better alternative to behaving like an animal.

    • Joe

      December 6, 2016 at 12:15 pm

      I don’t insult people online, but I can’t help but notice your plain stupidity, don’t take this as an insult, I am just describing you. Let me shock, it is possible for one to urinate outside (even if I don’t do that up to twice in a year), without revealing your dirty stick.

  32. D

    January 20, 2015 at 2:51 pm

    This write up had me in stitches…anointing the tyre. But I had a good visual of all the pictures you painted.

  33. Vivadrew

    January 20, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    Nice piece. Seriously, it’s an eye sour seeing both sexes do this in the public most especially men. Some would go the extra mile just to have you take a peek into *that thing*. Trust my Ibibio self, I go look, I noh send you oo. Like Isio stated *your bladder wan burst, but no toilet within a 5-mile radius. Then by all means, offload your liquid into the nearest bush and while at it, kindly hide yaself from view of innocent people waka-passing”. Mbok it is not a National Museum.

  34. nikky

    January 20, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    I believe most Nigerian’s are not grossed out by seeing people pee in public. If there was a large number of people sensitive to seeing men whip out their privates to pass in public then such behavior won’t be common place in our society.

    I remember the day I went to my friends place and I wanted to use the toilet after her boyfriend and low and behold, he did not flush the toilet and worse there was no tissue on the monstrosity he left in there meaning he didn’t wipe his bum bum. I was so traumatized, I’ve never really looked at him the same sine then.

    No be only public passing be the problem, even in private some people are clueless or just don’t give a shit. (pun intended).

    • D

      January 20, 2015 at 3:43 pm

      Was there water to clean up, if no toilet paper…lmso!!!!…at least his hands are not dirty…omg!!! people’s stories men….

  35. nammy

    January 20, 2015 at 3:18 pm

    Seriously, a research needs to be carried out on why men pee outside. Cos its not just about non- availability of toilets. I have seen my dad and brother return from an outing and immeadiately face the wall in the compound and pee, while my mum is shouting from the window ” we get toilet for house oh!” That’s wenever she catches them in the act. A friend of mine wld wake up to pee at night but instead of using the comfortable toilet In the house, he’ll unlock his door, stroll into the compound and pee, he says he likes the air that blows him wen he pees and he likes seeing his pee digging a hole in the ground.

    • D

      January 20, 2015 at 3:45 pm

      lmso!!!! @ we get toilet for house ooo…I think there is a sense of liberation that comes with it. That’s just my thoughts based on the different comments on here. As being able to pee in the open

  36. Liflblog.wordpress.com

    January 20, 2015 at 3:30 pm

    Honestly I can’t deal… A friend I was seeing off once stopped to pee by the side of the road. I said “we just left the house 2 seconds ago, what were you thinking dude? He replied “eh, the urge to ‘go’ only just gripped me now”. what could I say to that biko? O’boy did his thing & the journey continued.

    Liflblog.WordPress.com

    LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE EVERY DAY!

  37. mimi

    January 20, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    This discussion is one of the things that made me wished my Mother in Law was alive to help train my kids (boy children) . I have never seen my husband peeing outside and the amazing thing is he never stands to pee, but he sit down to do it comfortably , wash off and them wash his hands with soap and water. That’s one of the attraction anyway.

  38. Bobosteke & Lara Bian

    January 20, 2015 at 5:46 pm

    Before I type anything, let me first plead the fifth: Which is that I reserve the right not to say anything incriminating against myself; including the fact that I sometimes rush out of the house and forget to brush my teeth and that times when I scratch my head in public, I look for means to smell the finger (hides face) to be sure no ooze is shooting cannon balls into the ozone layer.
    Now to the topic, I have been personally traumatized by peeing in public people. Let me tell you, no matter how well served your swag is, its shot to hell and back when your weanie makes a voluntary public appearance. I nearly tore my neck on Sunday when my bike shot past a celestial church and two men came out of the compound, hiked up their djalabia to do the dirty. The first thought that crossed my mind was “what happened to the toilets in the church?” the second was if urine carried any electrical charges seeing as the second man was peeing on a PHCN pole.
    My friend ( yes, he is still my friend., going on 12 years. No power point pee presentation has yet drove us apart) once whipped out his penis to my mortification in front of my gate and proceeded to empty it in the gutter. I cried, I wept, I screamed. Nothing got past till he had done the deed. However, another time we were on Lagos-Ibadan Express way and he kindly asked my person to go, He parked, I instructed how many meters he should walk into the bush/forest//canyon, (you get the drift) and passed bottled water to him to wash his hands after the do. At least he listened.
    My nephew once peed on my land lords head from the balcony of the third floor of our building. The word Yepa! is not enough the describe my heart felt desire to flee. Being the oldest in the house did not help matters. I had to go downstairs to plead. My sister told me he did the same from a scaffolding some years later. He is peeing his way into adulthood.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      January 20, 2015 at 11:16 pm

      Oh. My. Days. You’ve made me laugh so much…

      Seriously, though, what is it with your nephew and peeing from heights?? Do we need to alert passer-by’s in and around his current location to be aware of showers of blessing, raining down in yellow droplets from above???

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      January 20, 2015 at 11:22 pm

      *passers-by* 🙂

    • Hafsat Blacksoap, Oils, Body & Hair butters

      January 21, 2015 at 11:22 am

      Tears flowed from my eyes from laughter!!! Poor landlord!!

  39. chyla

    January 20, 2015 at 8:00 pm

    God help me, I hope I hope le boo, doesn’t just bring out our joystick to do his thing on the road, I don’t know what i’ll do that day!

  40. lizzie

    January 21, 2015 at 12:26 am

    lmfao. this piece is kicking me! I remember back then. I used to make phone calls to keep busy while awaiting my WAEC results. so this guy who was walking towards me stopped midway to piss. I watched him until he finished and was telling myself “I hope he is not coming to make calls here o after holding his dingdong with his bare hands and not even washing it afterwards hia!, it’s not that hand you will use to make calls with my phone o” And my thinking was right! he walked majestically towards me and asked to make calls. I simply told him” aah sorry oga the credict don finish for the phone.”

  41. jennifer

    January 21, 2015 at 7:19 am

    In 2012 a Nigerian was shot dead by China police officers for urinating in public.. they tried stopping the guy but he fled,then they pulled the trigger..#actually read this on a newspaper # guilty of the act sometimes it’s just because I can’t help it.. it’s actually wrong cause it causes environmental hazards..

  42. Noms

    January 21, 2015 at 8:56 am

    Most of my family members and friends actually said I overreacted when I told them about what a toaster did.
    Scenerio, A toaster of mine calls me and said he had a meeting close to me office and will see me when he is done. Okay.
    Next thing, I was coming back from an assignment only for me to see “broda” urinating in the gutter outside my office. . .for Lekki ooo. His office is in Lekki, lets assume he wasn’t pressed before he left, but where he came for the meeting was just two blocks away. He didn’t even think of coming into my office if he didn’t want to pee in his clients office. After the act,ofcourse he didn’t wash his hand, he wanted a handshake. . .I tell am my mind straight. . .
    This attitude needs to be checked sha. . . except the bladder wan burst as Isio pointed out already.

  43. lexxington Steele

    January 21, 2015 at 9:36 am

    Brilliant article by Isio as always. However, it must be said that this behaviour is not peculiar to men only. I recall being at a cousin’s wedding a couple of years ago. The reception was at LASU Auditorium. Midway through the event, I had to get something from the car. Just as i was approaching the car, lo and behold i saw this well dressed young lady, (perhaps in her late twenties) behind the vehicle parked next to mine, standing like a man with a her legs astride doing her business(she just simply pulled up her aso ebi) while chatting with another lady. This was like 5pm. The most shocking thing of it all was that they were not even embarrassed to see me. Lagos na wa!

  44. Hafsat Blacksoap, Oils, Body & Hair butters

    January 21, 2015 at 11:20 am

    Which of us hasnt being traumatized by the sight of men weeing in public without an ounce of shame falunting their kplekus as Osio said? Who hasnt averted her eyes before the guy thinks she wants him and his Klepekus? WHO??????????? At least be discreet about it. Shield your weapon from innocent eyes please.

  45. babygiwa

    January 21, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    Nice article as always Isio. Please tell them o…. it is disgusting to say the least.
    Ps: Isio is not throwing shades at men, this is just to tell them to stop it. We are not interested in seeing your John Thomas. Thank you.

  46. JohnSpeaksE

    January 24, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    Nice one Isio

  47. Ada

    February 3, 2015 at 4:40 pm

    This one of the reasons why I don’t joke with my HAND SANITISER!

  48. john

    December 6, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    not funny…another stupid BN article written by a lonely single woman probably living in Lagos to complain and bash men as usual so as to get likes by an equally miserable frustrated women so as to make themselves feel good…nothing new..just look at the comments ..it will soon reach 100 comments ..let it be about science, health, technology even women who have genuinely achieved great things in thier careers ,u will see 0 0r 1 comment but let it be about men ,u will see all the miserable women coming out to comment with theri cheap phones and data

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