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Esco: No New Friends

Esco

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Last year, the CNN website ran an article by Jimmy Kimmel which suggests the 5 categories of “friends” you should unfriend on Facebook, as part of National Unfriend Day.
These are:
o Primary 3 classmates – How much in common do you really have with someone who used to steal your Samco and Okin biscuits, and write jaka jaka all over your Brighter Grammar textbook, when you were in primary 3? Since then you should have moved on, and those shared childhood memories are not enough to constitute a continued connection via social media. I mean do you want to be notified on your timeline that that ex-classmate eventually got engaged to that girl in Class 3B who had a nasty habit of showing everyone her chicken pox sores?
o Over-sharers – People who chronicle all aspects of their lives on Facebook, so that their itinerary and life story makes your feed a burdensome read. May some people never discover the joys of flash photography, because they have no chill.
o That friend of a friend that you met very briefly at some function eons ago, and who creepily sent you an invite on Facebook. Then it is radio silence.
o Exes – Move on. There is a reason why they are called your X. Cross them out. Curse them out too, unless they still drop by for great sex from time to time.
o Those irritatingly fabulous couples – Couples who live the lifestyle of the Rich and Famous/MTV Cribs life on Social Media. Meanwhile millions are hungry and dying in the land of Nigeria.

Now I notice that the term “friend” has a loose meaning in these times, and a friend to some, is anyone that is not an enemy. A friend of a friend is a friend, a fiend of an enemy is a potential friend; a friend of an enemy is a foe. Confused now? You should be.

I am a bit old school when it comes to friendships, as I am big on loyalty and track record. For me, there are:
– friends (who are like siblings to me, and I owe allegiance to),
– peers (people I am friendly with, but have strategic alliances with),
– colleagues (ex-school mates or work mates who I am earning with, so have to be cordial with),
– associates (business partners or fellow paper chasers) and
– pals (distant friends)
Spot the difference? A friend of my friend is a peer. I may have the occasional beer with peers, but if they were getting married, I would probably show up just at the reception to eat Jollof, and to drop my gift of a toaster.

A friend would be someone I could go to battle with. Or run away from war with – like when a set of rabid mongrels chased I and my best mate and we ran screaming for our mothers. He helped me retrieve one leg of my shoe from the gutter. I dashed him the shoes later.

A friend is one I would defend in public like Voltron – even when they are acting like robeasts, just to provide a united front. A friend is one I could share certain resources with – except my woman and my ATM card. I would share my woman’s friend though, especially if the friend is acting like a Keke Napep 3rd wheel and tagging along everywhere we go.

A friend is someone who could get undivided attention if they have an issue to discuss, which for me, is really a lot – as my mind tends to wander and wonder a lot. A friend is someone I can be a wingman to, if he wanted to approach a hottie who was being close-marked by her possessive friend; I would make this great sacrificial act, even if the other girl who I am meant to shadow looks like a pit-bull in a skirt. My friend did save me that time, when my swagger had been shredded in the near death chase by the neighborhood watchdog Maliyamungu. Heck, I would take one for the team, knowing that my time would come soon.

A friend is a mate I would give the dibs to, if I saw his beloved girlfriend doing runs with an aristo, behind his back. Yep, I would point the act out like an episode of Cheaters. None of that sanctimonious bullsh*t about not wanting to destroy something beautiful by revealing the act. The solution to woman troubles, is new women.

Back when I was youngster, my friend would ride shotgun at the front of the car. I would commandeer the music system, and he would regulate the AC. Then our mutual associate sitting in the back, would be our navigation system announcing where the next points of visit was. It was a formidable 3… until our car got changed to a coupe. Three green beer bottles standing on the wall, one green beer bottle….

A friend needs to be like a bulletproof vest against the barbs of life. Back in my teens, I once took the blame for my friend, when his dad found contraband in his closet, and I said it was mine. His dad still beat the crap out of him, for aiding and abetting. His dad needs work in the EFCC.

I would intervene to save a friend from a baying Onitsha market mob, even if he had Dunlop tyres around his head, and had been doused with diesel, having been accused of thieving a carton of stock-fish. Being a lawyer, I would plead his case in the court of jungle justice… or ask for punishment to be commuted to beating but not burning. Knowing that if I lose in a place like Onitsha, two people are getting convicted – thief and eshu advocate.

Let me give another analogy. My house has a front room downstairs which is a converted dining room. I put 2 sofas there, a side table and a TV. This front room is used to entertain uninvited guests, or visitors with destructive kids who have a Dennis the Menace complex. No, please put that imitation Ming vase down – I bought it from Iponri. I also host visitors who are not close friends there. It is convenient as there is a guest bathroom close to it, as well as the main entrance into the house, just in case I need to show them the door pronto. Easy come, easy go.

I also have an inner formal living room with a white sectional in it. That one is for when dignitaries like Obama, Dangote, Ibru, IBB, Buhari, Mark Zuckerberg, Scarlet Johansson, Ms Socially Awkward and Atoke visit. I have had some visitors almost smear my precious white sofa with palm-oil hands, but that is a story for another day.

I have a game room upstairs which is a private family area with a TV, toys, puff chairs etc. Only goods friend are allowed up there, or upstairs. Only a friend could open my fridge, and drink my beer, and chew on my chunks of goat meat, and take another sip of my beer, then belch and not be thrown out.

Loyalty is a huge deal for me, because I like to keep my circle small like a Nigerian oil cabal. In the movie Scarface, I sided with Al Pacino’s character, Scarface when he killed Manolo for impregnating his sister behind his back. Betrayal from a friend hurts worse than the crime of murder. Murder kills once. Betrayal kills a million times. Great movie, by the way is Scarface (1983). Say hello to my little friend.

It is easier to keep old friends and cultivate strong friendships from school days or from when you were younger. The reason is that as time passes you and friend build a mutual record/body of experiences and favours which makes the friendship stronger and worth keeping.

These new-school friends that you meet these days ain’t loyal. They will sell you down the River Niger for a fistful of Naira, and then up the River Benue for a mess of yam pottage.

My baby sister Kpomkwem used to have this really chubby doll we nicknamed “Kpurugede’ which she cuddled and took everywhere. She called the doll her “best friend to the end”. She made me grind up white chalk and mix it with water, so she could feed it “milk” with an old baby feeding bottle. One day, the doll started leaking the “milk” mixture through a suture in its limbs. Kpomkwem cried her little heart out and kicked Kpurugede to the curb. Well, that doll reminds me of fake friends – they are made of plastic, and they gladly take ya food, then leak all your secrets.
That is why some people stay with their day one friends. We bought Kpomkwem a Lego set later – so she could realize that trust had to be built.

How easy is it to make new and true friends when you are a working adult, without coming across as needy or sounding like a famzing desperado? It may be difficult to make true friends at work, especially if you hate the guts of your workplace acquaintances who live by the code of office politics, and would never want to socialize with them anywhere outside the confines of the office.

Tell me about your close friend.
Can I put trust in you, like you trust in me/
If my life is on the line, would you bust for me/
Free me from custody, or deny my existence/
Cormega, (Are you my) (2001)

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Photographerlondon

Fellow Nigerians, it is with the utmost pride and sincerity that I present these memoranda as a living testament and recollection of history in the making during our generation.Preamble: Esco is a lampoonist, content provider for hire, and convener of the blog Literati: Satires On Nigerian Life www.woahnigeria.wordpress.com, which is a symposium to project the conditions of every Nigerian and inspire young people all over the world. He is currently working on his memoirs “The Great, Wonderful Adventures of Esco”, which will be available in 2016. Esco can be reached for scripting writing, ghost writing and editing work by email at [email protected] Oh, and he occasionally tweets at @Escowoah.

71 Comments

  1. papermoon

    May 20, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    Interesting read.

  2. mz_daniels

    May 20, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    Office friends are a nono, acquinatnces, close pals, but friends, it takes a lot to attain that title.

    I agree that old friends are the best. There’s something about them that you can trust.

    I miss my friends; those guys I hung out with in UNN and my bestie.

    Btw, to make new friends, you need to be loving, trusting, open and vulnerable. How many of us in our twenties and thirties can be that.

    PS: side eye to you for the ‘MSA’ and Atoke mention. Is Le Esco famzing?

    • liz

      May 20, 2015 at 2:17 pm

      I really like that statement you made. .. I think this is one of our struggles
      ‘Btw, to make new friends, you need to be loving, trusting, open and vulnerable. How many of us in our twenties and thirties can be that.’…I think that is the biggest mistake many of us MAKE. Not making new friends the older you get.

  3. peyton

    May 20, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    Lol at these new school friends arent loyal. The truth is it is extremely hard makng new friends as you get older. I am not talking about casual friendships with no depth we met at the saloon and hang out and talk about hair type. I have tried making friends infact my older sister is tired of me, she keeps insisting I make new friends infact she don fed for the matter. The thing is all my friends live far away outside the state i currently reside in. And its hard making new ones. My circle of friends is very very close and they are mainly people who have known me for more than 10 years. Iam still hoping sha i get to make new friends

  4. Anon

    May 20, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    Samco and Okin biscuits! Okin biscuits were today’s Rich Tea.
    There was also Big Dip. When I eat Magnum, I remember Big Dip!!

    “pals (distant friends)”
    My distant friends are actually my true friends. The ones I don’t see or speak with everyday, but when we hook up, we continue from where we last stopped. “Sisterhood” and “brotherhood.” To me, friendship is not an everyday thing.

    My pal/chum/buddy is an acquaintance.

  5. cindy

    May 20, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    Too much irrelevant stuff

  6. Moyo

    May 20, 2015 at 1:21 pm

    This article had me in stitches, Well done Esco, the article reminded me of how much of a bad friend I am, I don’t get in touch with any one unless there is a birthday, wedding or a death, although I do the occasional birthday message on Facebook. the article also reminded me of a a conversation with my 4 year old the other day about friends, he asked me who my friends were and I started reeling off names, Bola, Kemi etc. I then decided to ask him who his friends were, he said with a straight face, Jonathan, Buhari, Ambode. well that was where the conversation ended. I just could not stop laughing. We will have to have another conversation on who are your friends. Lol

    • Doxa

      May 21, 2015 at 4:17 pm

      Your boy is connected in high places, that’s very good o. Smart boy!

  7. onetallgirl

    May 20, 2015 at 1:41 pm

    Really good article, very funny! Im the same way, I only have have 7 best friends, I dont like acacquaintances. My mom makes fun of me because I only have 7 friends but I like cuz these are my ride or die chicks! If im ever in a bind I can definitely count on them to help me.

    • Anon

      May 20, 2015 at 1:59 pm

      7 best friends? Oxymoron…

  8. TA

    May 20, 2015 at 1:47 pm

    Hahahaha totally hilarious read. I enjoyed the article. Everyone needs a ride or die friend, who got their back through thick and thin, who they can suddenly call at 2:00am to cry about anything. To have those kind of friends, you have TO BE that friend first. Be dependable and loyal and honest. True friends are hard to find but definitely exist. I’m guilty of the too many Facebook friends thingy. Lol

  9. Psychic

    May 20, 2015 at 1:52 pm

    i have some people that make me buy asoebi,some we do baby,bridal shower things..but i don’t know how to hangout with people that don’t really get me,i don’t know how to go see a movie with someone with whom i can’t laugh out loud at kevin harts jokes and i gotta b forming,i don’t go to visit people who will be looking to c if my designer wears is more than theirs and i hate to explain myself to people who don’t know when I’m joking and when I’m serious hence all kinds of yeye she said this,i said that conflicts conflicting with my noble self.

    At this junction,i have only 2 friends,awon temitemi,we talk when we talk,talk for hours and continue from where we stopped,we see when we c.They have never told me that “nawa o,u didn’t even check up on me since last week,help!what happened to your bf?” they understand busy schedules and life in general.They are a major addition to my life in all ways and we help each other to be better people.God bless the day i met the both of u.We’v been there done that,we are a long time coming,15years and counting.

    PS: when and if they read this message,they will holler at me and say “u be idiot u know,y d epistle” ,they won’t be wondering who psychic is,thats y they my friends,Others are the people that make me a social being.. LOL

    • ms lala

      May 20, 2015 at 3:39 pm

      That idea we talk when we see , kinda bothers me. you sincerely don’t see yourselves for a while and maybe even months or years and then when you see you chat it up like its 1999 and catch up. bullshit!!!!!!!!!!! thats not true friendship at all. so you want to tell me within that span of years or months MIA nothing good or sad happened amongst yourselves to warrant a reach out. you just keep it in til you meet unexpectedly.
      Friendship 2015 is really dead. people aint loyal, and everyone wants to somehow use you. its either one sided or your the person carrying the damn candle for the friendship. todays guys are either fuckboys who you think are good childhoodfriends that can be trusted only to find out gbenga from the next door home and childhood bestie is telling everyone he is your bedmate and u are a fast girl. or is it Amaka that you grew up with , shared everything with only to find out she really is not happy for your new job at Exxon. Being an onlychild I have/had many friends whom i found solace and rest but situations have made cut more than half of these friends. like a font said its take courage and openness to discover new friends, that process also includes trial and error something i feel i am too old for and simply do not have the time.

    • Kili

      May 21, 2015 at 12:00 am

      Actually, it’s not bullshit but the TRUTH.
      I have 3 very close friends. We’ve gone through different cycles of friendships and have been close to other people in the past ( Uni days) but somehow we have eventually wound up with one another and have agreed to be that way. I think we have mutual appreciation for ourselves.
      There is this respect we have for one another now
      Nobody accuses the other of not being in touch or not calling ( if u feel there’s something u need to tell me. Ps call me )
      No mockery about the others’ single status
      Times when we really talk ( those long phone convos) after a long while if feels like we talked the day before.
      Nobody is angry if we sleep off on each other while chatting or texting.
      I lost a supposed good friend because I couldn’t make it to her wedding ( gave her 2 weeks notice- I couldn’t even bring myself to telling her I would miss her wedding, told her through another friend that was closer to her than I ) cos I was new on my job and couldn’t possibly take time out to travel, guess what? She sent me a stinker monthssssss after. Hahaha. I apologized to her for not telling her myself and that was it. Deleted all her contacts, unfriended her on FB, unfollowed her on Twitter and I moved on. How she thought I would intentionally miss her wedding after committing with my hard earned money to be on her train.

      When you’ve been through orisirisi relationships and you eventually find/reunite with good runaway friends. You hold them dearly and never let them go.

      Right now, I have zero tolerance for “funny” friends. I just can’t deal and I am unapologetic about it.

  10. Ndali

    May 20, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    “The solution to woman troubles, is new women.”… lol,lets leave the judgement of this quote for another day.

    Very great read, i have loads of acquaintances. I feel like people earn the place of being called “a friend “friendship is kind of like a big deal to me,same as knowing where my loyalties lie.

    I’ve never really been lucky with friends and i’m always been the loyal friend,you know that friend that even when they are not with you as such,would still be there for you whenever you need them, yh that’s me. Friendship means loyalty to me. And then when i’m loyal to someone I expect them to be loyal to me too. When i’m not getting that loyalty, i usually don’t stick around for long,experience has taught me,some friends are no good and are a waste of so much time and energy.

    • ms lala

      May 20, 2015 at 4:34 pm

      RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! I know how you feel, once I don’t get that loyalty am out. you are even better than me “sticking around” am gone the same day. why? because I saw the handwriting on the wall. I have no friends and to be honest am quite relieved. people also gravitate towards me but for me to determine you as a friend depends on how you treat other friends and talk about them. some girl in gradschool kept pressuring me to hang out after lectures. I finally agreed and we met her other friends. we all had good times but as she was dropping me home, she began bad mouthing all of them. I replied her and said wao!! that’s sad!! and other well known exclamations I could think of. THAT WAS THE END OF US HANGINGOUT. you talk shit about stacy, Brittany, Courtney and ko and want me to become your friend , iro!!!!!!!!!!

    • Ndali

      May 20, 2015 at 6:32 pm

      You are so right there,i usually watch how people treat other of their friends.

  11. somebody

    May 20, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    My best friends are the ones we suffered and triumphed together in boarding house in secondary school. The ones I met in Uni? The absolute worst! God forbid. Negative competition from grades to clothes to men, chai! I cut them off like a bad habit after School and they trying to get back to being friends, again, God forbid!

  12. Californiabawlar

    May 20, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    I’ve been having this on my mind for the past week….my closest ‘new friends’ have gone and gotten pregnant over the last year (most recent one a few days ago)….it’s hard to explain without sounding judgy, but I didn’t even know they were sexually active, i feel betrayed, and no! Not all my old friends shared the same values, but we shared all our thoughts and fears with each other, lifestyle differences or not. One of my friends and I could make jokes about her then boyfriend having a small pepe or discuss the details of a clumsy secual encounter and in the same breathe joke about me making out with a christian brother on the train(what we considered raunchy at the time for me)…and then we could move on to talking about God having mercy on all of us, since it didn’t matter and we were all sinners lol. The point wasn’t who was better than the other….just be open, darn it! These two chicks now spring pregnancies out of nowhere on me and the one that was forming maria wundia and was even kinda condescending on the one who got pregnant last year wasn’t even in a relationship o, unprotected sex with a tinder hookup? really?! How am I supposed to fully trust a friend that would straight up lie to me? I don’t quite get…. We’re in our late 20s and 30s, lying about your lifestyle choices doesn’t make any sense!! I know it’s not like she was a serial killer or nothing, lol, shoot! I’m excited about the new baby sef… but while I’m being supportive and all that right now, and I still love her with all my heart, God knows a small part of me has left the friendship.

    Plus I recently moved and i’m now looking to make new ACQUAINTANCES, before boredom and loneliness kills a sister….but my dear lovelies, no new friends.

  13. wunmi

    May 20, 2015 at 3:03 pm

    well done Esco for this great piece. Though hilariously written. It was deep for me cos strangely I have been thinking about my friendships lately. I have noticed that the more I try to keep friends the more I lose them. I was so hurt on Sunday by 2 friends – one of them I just started building friendship with and the other I’ve been friends (or so I thought) with since teen years. The later is married with a son and I’ve noticed a strange disconnect with her. She also acts strange when I try to touch her baby. I have confronted her once but she gave a flimsy excuse After Sunday I have finally decided to just be abeg. I am always taken for granted plus I am too emotional I hurt deeply when I do. I am making myself a priority at least for my emotional sanity plus cos of the phobia I have for hurts NO MORE FRIENDS for me .I have REALLY tried to manage my expectations of others and tried hard to build friendship on genuine ground and also come to terms with the transitions in the lives of my friends but to be rejected over and taken for granted over over is damaging to my emotional health. I am currently battling depression but have been praying. I feel really lonely most times plus I also envy those really cool friendships you see in movies and wonder what’s wrong with me. All the bad experience has really rocked my confidence. I am constantly made to confront solitude and inadequacy – nights are particularly hard and I keep waking up every night. For those with the 7best friends et al I admire you. For me I will keep praying but don’t think I want to go through any emotional connection again.

    • Ivy

      May 20, 2015 at 4:19 pm

      So sorry dear, Plenty hugs. Find what makes you happy and focus on it. Are you a foodie or an exercise junkie, tv or novel lover? Just find something that you enjoy and do it. Wanna be acquaintances? Lemme know.

      P.S:- I meant acquaintaces for now. U could turn out to be great friends.

    • ms lala

      May 20, 2015 at 4:40 pm

      everything will be okay, I’ll light a candle for you when I got to mass. don’t feel sad. we are in the same boat. you get taken for granted and then you feel maybe you are the problem not them….LIES!!!!!!!!!!! its not you my dear, its them and you will find that one friend or acquaintance or even pal that values your kindness and thoughtfulness. ps that heifer was def acting weird after she got married bah? married friends and single friends is a universal phenomenal. I had a white friend of mine cry that our mutual friend who got married is slowly cutting us off. hmmmmm!!!! I know indian babes who complain too. focus on yourself, have you a me time and enjoy life. let her keep her baby. and start ignoring her ass and watch her reach out to you instead.

    • papermoon

      May 20, 2015 at 6:25 pm

      Wunmi, I don’t know how to say this without sounding judgementaL but let me try. probably you hurt so deeply cos you don’t forgive easily. Sometimes, when you don’t know what to do with offences against you, you bottle them up and keep hurting. There are times when you learn to look at some offences and say “it’s ok”. This takes away the hurt then you decide whether to keep the friendship or walk away. What ever decision u make, you won’t hurt much.
      Then again I realised early that I got on well with the boys and stayed with them. That too comes with its own issues though. Most of my friends are guys and that really settles a lot of issues former. Don’t take things that seriously or you will always be hurting. Learn to let some slide and that is the hardest……and easiest.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      May 20, 2015 at 11:28 pm

      This is true and I know firsthand what sort of damage bottled reactions can do to friendships. It completely scarred the relationship I used to have with someone very dear to my heart who got pregnant and never shared this news with me. My hurt made me shut her out completely for a long time and looking back now, I wish I’d been gracious enough to just hash it out with her when it happened. After all, na me give am belle? Why did I take it so badly? However, I know how saddened I was by the reakization that the bond over the years must have just been in my head if joyful news as this couldn’t be celebrated with me. We’re back in each other’s lives now but sadly, the past sisterly intimacy is completely gone.

      Frank discussions and forgiveness are very crucial to helping you move on from the perceived slights of friends. Otherwise, na to dey think the mata day-in, day-out whilst they blissfully remain unaware of their wrongdoing ….

      @Esco, :). Keep the white sofa safe by redirecting me to the kitchen to eat my “nkwobi” in peace & comfort … because I have a feeling you won’t be serving politically correct finger-food even to the Zuckerbergs and Dangotes of this world. 😉

    • papermoon

      May 21, 2015 at 10:01 am

      Mz SA, thanks for adding open discussions to it. that one really clears up a lot of things. Its amazing the crazy meaings we read into innocent actions others. If only we could bring the issues up for discussion we would be amazed at what the other person was thinking, feeling, going through or intended. A lot of friendships would be saved if only we spoke up. From some too, you must walk away though.

    • Tee

      May 21, 2015 at 4:00 pm

      Seems like I’m reading about myself through you. Good friendship eludes me, yet I’m a good person (if i must say). My only friends are my siblings who are married so I’m usually all by myself. Thank God for my job that keeps me busy…and sitcoms

    • olabisi

      July 25, 2015 at 4:18 pm

      Can we be friends,i’m a lady and I want to make friends and not acquaintances, we can talk about anything

  14. Shalala

    May 20, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Friends friends friendsss……old friends are just the best, the way you connect with them is just on another level. You blend in so well that it seems ure like siblings. I have this very old friend of mine who is now my best friend. Went to the same Secondary school, we were not really close then, but presently she means so much to me and i call her “more than a sister” luckily for us we both blend on the gossip circuit. lol i tell her my feelings, she tells me everything going on also. We dont hide anything from each other, she knows about my past relationship, if i crush on a guy she’s the first person i call and tell about my pending crush. The days i cried and days am happy she’s been there. LOYALTY is just key. we’re both loyal to each other and we have a lot in common, we cant both gyst till heaven falls.

  15. Ivy

    May 20, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    Lmao! Old friends are the best. I find it so difficult to make new friends cuz they do not think like me…..not judging but we know friends are those that totally get you and will keep secrets (till death). I won’t die for these new friends but cuz they are my friends and i got their back, I will hold their up when they throw up, tell them if i catch their boos in awkward positions (damn right i will, at least that is a rule), run around when their weddings approach (won’t travel to boko haram state though) and be their sisters……except you show me otherwise.

    Unfriended someone recently, we were very close in school, Actually stayed 5mins apart and people mistook us for sisters (apart from the bum area…..thank God for squats though), we go for nysc, she meets hubby and gives me details o! As in na me they tell people she don engage, although i couldn’t go for the wedding cuz na boko haram state hin hold (na my fault?), i travel to see her (in another not-so-boko haram state, although they were bombing it then), then i start to ask when my god daughter is coming (if we can talk about sex why cant we talk about this?), my dear friend says nothing yet o! December comes and a mutual friend calls to tell me “my friend haff born”. To say i was flabbergasted is story plus i was totally embarrassed cuz d girl that told me called to gloat. Sharpaly! I UNFRIENDED my former friend o! Since she thinks i’m too evil to tell she’s pregnant.

  16. Thatgidigirl

    May 20, 2015 at 3:32 pm

    and that’s how Esco took Isio’s place in my heart…..she was owing rent for 6weeks! Some new friends can be awesome though, when you bond over peculiar conditions, it fosters strong friendships. sometimes even stronger than old friendships.

  17. Ndali

    May 20, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    “The solution to woman troubles, is new women.”… lol,lets leave the judgement of this quote for another day.

    Very great read, i have loads of acquaintances. I feel like people earn the place of being called “a friend “friendship is kind of like a big deal to me,same as knowing where my loyalties lie.

    I’ve never really been lucky with friends and i’m always been the loyal friend,you know that friend that even when they are not with you as such,would still be there for you whenever you need them, yh that’s me. Friendship means loyalty to me. And then when i’m loyal to someone I expect them to be loyal to me too. When i’m not getting that loyalty, i usually don’t stick around for long,experience has taught me,some friends are no good and are a waste of so much time and energy. :]x .

    • Mcmeffy

      May 26, 2015 at 12:06 am

      Same here.

  18. pipi

    May 20, 2015 at 3:47 pm

    Honestly the struggle to make new friends is real!! i never knew how real! my best friends are in diferent countries. My fiancee had turned to my best friend ……. but damn i need a female friend to hang out with gist with or something… it so diffcult to find true friends *that share common goals* after the 25 mark. wouldnt it be wonderful to find someone i could connect with in this portharcourt.

    • Californiabawlar

      May 20, 2015 at 4:30 pm

      My dear the struggle is real! I moved states last year and now that I somewhat have the summer off, I’m bouts to go loco with no one to hang out and connect with. There are two chicks from my friends church I’ve been eyeing sha….they seem cool (maybe a little too cool 🙁 ). Anyways, next week I’m cooking dinner and having them over… I plan to mention going to the movies if that goes well….then maybe an upcoming concert too….i’ll be very casual about it too…it’ll be counterproductive coming across as desperate and needy…hehehe.
      Mehn! at this old age, making new pals is like dating, you actually have to put in the effort…phew!!

    • Ada Nnewi

      May 21, 2015 at 12:34 am

      Lmao! Your analysis on tackling these girls is crazy! Anyways, I don’t seem to have these friendship issues, my friends understand me, I understand them and i’m fiercely loyal and protective of them like wise! I’m a very sparkly Leo and my closest friends are 2 Virgos, 2 Scorpios, 1 Capricorn and 1 pisces! Yes these women add magic to my life! We’re all very busy but once we get together, it’s magic! I’ve been friends with the Scorpios for over 13 years…

    • Lonely mrs

      May 20, 2015 at 6:39 pm

      Hey, I’m in Port-harcourt and in the exact same boat. Maybe we could connect. Lest I start to sound creepy, I’m respectable, responsible and did this on impulse. Feel free to say know.

    • Lonely mrs

      May 20, 2015 at 8:37 pm

      *to say no*. I beg your pardon

    • pipi

      May 21, 2015 at 8:49 am

      YES pleaseeeee

    • pipi

      May 21, 2015 at 10:05 am

      i would be checking every 5 mins to get an email

    • Lonely mrs

      May 22, 2015 at 12:59 am

      Yay!!! So, how do we connect? Couldn’t get your info.

    • Lonely mrs

      May 22, 2015 at 10:55 am

      Dear Pipi,
      I can be reached at [email protected]. Looking forward to hearing from you.

  19. Blah blah

    May 20, 2015 at 4:13 pm

    New friends please! I believe in making new friends and shedding off unnecessary old ones. This year alone, I have 5 new friends. Good people I am happy to interact with. What is this silly no new friends thing? You are in your 20s – 40s, if you make a new friend this year and live to 70, that person would be classed as old friend. So make new friends. Be a friend. Be friendly.

    • ms lala

      May 20, 2015 at 4:45 pm

      lol real talk..that no new friend cracks me up, but you have to understand after multiple blows by close friends you get paranoid about opening up and being sincere with the friendship. The 5 new friends you made, hopefully it wont remain 3 or 2.

  20. Damilola

    May 20, 2015 at 4:16 pm

    Aww…

    great great article! lost my best friend years ago… that girl ehn, she left me just like that! I’ve not had a best friend since then..;

    I can boldly say my mom Is my new bestie..

    but i have some great friends outsyd there tho…. *side eye

  21. Psychic

    May 20, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    @ms lala..its because of people like you that only this 2 girls are still my best friends.i didn’t say we talk when we see,i said we talk when we talk and see when we see,e.g one lives outside the country,she can be on the train and send me a gist,i might give a small reply because I’m in 3rdmainland traffic,she understands that,u in Nigeria don’t,smh.but probably on the weekend,we can call each other for 2 hours and totally gist it out and one person that might v joined the 2 friends told me the relationship was probably one sided and she’s d one carrying the damn candle for the damn friendship (quoting u mslala) is now a social friend. Egbami,some1 is carrying candle in friendship.
    No I’m not your bf,i won’t wait on u hand and foot.i will be there WHEN and IF i think and believe u really do need me and any other industrial problems u have,kindly take to the Lord in prayer.

    You have already started making me explain myself and its draining i must tell u,both of us will totally make horrible friends,i will stick with my 2 children and i tell u better friends never existed,theres Skype,theres viber and orisirisi.i don’t need them to go through fire and brimstone to show they care for me.

    Rule No 1 till infinity: love thyself child..that aint nobody’s responsibility than yours,learn to be alone and not feel lonely also….hian u just made me tired,need 2 gist MY FRIEND about u.

    • Ada Nnewi

      May 21, 2015 at 10:23 am

      Me and my friend’s are exactly the same way cause we understand ourselves…

    • Ada Nnewi

      May 21, 2015 at 11:19 am

      *My friend’s and i*..covers face

  22. SEEN ALL

    May 20, 2015 at 5:32 pm

    Thank Esco as for me and friendship am DONE! I’ve stopped climbing FENCE for people who can’t cross a “GUTTER for me.

  23. Ceem

    May 20, 2015 at 9:16 pm

    I am open to new friends, my ride or die friends no longer live in the same state, so its kinda loney.

    • Tee

      May 21, 2015 at 4:22 pm

      Hi, I’m open to new friends too. If you want, you can holler (I can’t view your contact) and let’s see how strong a friendship we can build. And then, we’ll probably later come here to testify.

  24. aproko

    May 21, 2015 at 3:16 am

    My best friend told everyone I wasn’t happy for her and her marriage…..see me see trouble. I didn’t like her bobo but I was happy for her as long as she was happy. I didn’t like him because of the countless sleepless nights consoling this girl their issues. God dey sha. To say I was hurt is an understatement.

  25. Tosin

    May 21, 2015 at 6:21 am

    whatevs. i love everybody. if you come with bad intentions, no cool, but otherwise i’m good friends with some primary threes and definitely with the exes. whatevs. favourite word.

  26. Friend wahala

    May 21, 2015 at 8:11 am

    I totally suck at making new friends. Had a couple in high school but we all moved to different countries. And i hung on to those relationships with every bit of energy i had ? for a few years. Then I made another best friend at my Uni, but she started dating my ex, which was awkward (he broke up with her after a few months anyway) and she tried to fix things with me, but It just felt different. Anyway now, i’m supposed to move back to Nigeria after how many years and honestly, I am not looking forward to it at all?. My friends from school back in lagos have become these snobbish people who are on about men and clothes and weaves, and I just cannot relate to that. Whats wrong with me loving to wear my jeans and t-shirt or lounge around in sweats and have my afro out? so much pressure i just cannot deal with. Now I have to move home and start all over, meeting new people. ??? Wish me luck, from what I hear, lagos babes are quite brutal…

    • Sugar

      May 21, 2015 at 12:20 pm

      We are not brutal. Lets be friends :-)))))))))))))))))))

    • Doxa

      May 21, 2015 at 5:09 pm

      We are not brutal at all.
      My own case is different, I have different friends that I can trust for different things. The distinction happens after any disappointment. However, I try not to throw away the baby with the bath water, so I keep being friends with the person.
      For instance I have friends that I can NEVER tell private stuff, because they’ve spilled my gist in the past. Though it was nothing serious but all the same, if I did not say it in a public gathering, then they shouldn’t have either.
      Then I have friends I can’t ask for money, I won’t just feel comfortable doing so. Eventhough in this category, I have someone who if I need honest advice I will go to.
      There is a lady I wanted to become friends with, but an issue with N1,000 made me realise that we can never be close.
      A good number of my friends are getting married and somehow I believe we will not be jolly good fellows as before, so now I am kinda doing my last rites i.e. giving my time and energy to planning weddings.
      I would like to have new friends and I am not scared of being vulnerable, just that I do not know how to go about it. Where do I find them? I am an introvert. During my annual leave, I can stay indoors for a full week without stepping out of the house. My mum has complained and complained and is tired.
      I am also someone who likes being comfortable with myself, so I cannot keep up with fashion trends and the like. I am a modest spender, so I don’t have money to throw around. Travelling the world is not my priority now, so I dont travel either. I am a christian and my values are very high and rigid, I may not be able to comfortably hang out with many ladies in my age group. I cant even wear bum shorts or mini skirt inside my house, talkless of outside (I am not condemning anyone o). If someone uses the f-word near me, I would cringe. I dont drink and I dont like hanging around people who do or places where it is done, etc etc.
      So I kuku stay inside my house and communicate with my virtual acquaintances on Bellanaija. At least there is a 24 hour community here that I can relate with.
      I seize opportunities to make new friends when they arise but for me to go out and start searching is what tires me.

    • Lara

      June 2, 2015 at 9:33 pm

      I wish I can be your friend, we are alike.

    • olabisi

      July 25, 2015 at 4:41 pm

      We can be friends,u talked about me in most ways but i’m developing a habit of volunteering so I started with a christian NGO this month,i’m very prudent in spending,love God and love being truthful and transparent too

    • Ama Ghana

      July 25, 2015 at 6:39 pm

      This is so me!!!! #trust

  27. Pretty

    May 21, 2015 at 8:12 am

    sometimes we overlook the friends who show us love e.g the girl or guy who checks up on you regularly cos u “think” they r boring, not ur type or class, not pretty or connected enough meanwhile this ones see something good in you, they value your presence in their lives and want to know how you are. they just might be the friends God had been sending as your answered prayers although not everybody who acts like this has genuine intentions. Happiness is key.

  28. Zara

    May 21, 2015 at 10:30 am

    Hmmmmm I do not have friends… I had a friend from sec school…she was my bestie…when we became close brows were raised cos she was and is still promiscuous …..I didn’t care cos I am not easily influenced.. So they kept talking and we kept rolling….and then it started when she wd visit me and then still chill even when I am out..I asked her if it was my elder bro she was liking.. She lied and I was a very naive person..still have a bit of it…I believe whatever a person says..I don’t doubt people..if u tell me it’s white ok it’s white..ok ohhhhh after sometime a guy who is a friend of the family was on my case for a long timeeeeee I didn’t want so i always told him to take her out…to cut this my stori short..she was sleeping with the guy..I found out after I got bk from Uni cos I told her I wanted to get serious with d guy..she was like u r toooo good for him,said it twice and I asked and she told me she slept with the guy I asked her” hope you enjoyed it”…ehhh I was still cool cos I wasn’t sleeping with the guy and if the guy came out and said I want to move on I wud v gladly given them my blessing… After that I heard that she is sleeping with my bro ahhhhhhhhh I was like ewwwww really?.my bro got married and they are still messing around… I don’t even talk to her…it was so embarrassing cos they b like hmmm and this is your friend..and my bro and the guy are close and they got married to other women..

    • Meena

      May 21, 2015 at 10:01 pm

      I HATE WHEN MY FRIENDS COME NEAR MY BROTHERS!! BROTHERS AND FRIENDS ARE A NO-NO FOR ME!

  29. callmenneka

    May 21, 2015 at 10:32 am

    Beautiful write-up! I have always had very few friends, some I met during my secondary schools days and others in the university. Being friendly is good but we have leeches who present themselves as ‘friends’ these days. One has to be very careful and choose wisely. Some are out to get you, get in and get out. So I am for making new friends but the ones who have known you for a very long time, been with you through thick and thin are not just your friends but family. It is not easy to trust people these days. So stick those who have been loyal to you but also make more genuine friends. Take a risk and find out if the new ‘friends’ are actually real.

  30. thehermit

    May 21, 2015 at 10:33 am

    Interesting!

  31. Zara

    May 21, 2015 at 10:35 am

    I do not hv respect for my bro anymore…. I got to know from my husband.. So if my hub decides to mess about..who is going to straighten him out?..very inappropriate!!!!ohhhh I didn’t know she was truly promiscuous cos she didn’t do that shit around me..

  32. Ann

    May 21, 2015 at 10:38 am

    Some tay tay friends can be annoying, i had this tay tay ex friend, yes ex friend, we knew for almost 13yrs, heard stuff abt her bobo, was told by a mutual friend that he was just stringing her along, when he told her he wasn’t ‘doing’ again, i had to say what i heard abt the guy and lo and behold babe, deleted me on BB, unfriend on FB lols, like Esco i wouldn’t hide what i know abt a friends bobo just so nobody calls me names, i would do what i ve got to do because thats what real friendship is about…that na old story…these days i am skeptical about friendship, i keep to myself a whole lot, i make new friends and all but i am not good at keeping in touch and once you call to tell me how i am wicked cos i am not aware something happened to u when u didn’t even tell me, omo no vex, the exit door is wide open… if you want a friendship where we do not talk, as in real talk abt our worries, what we are into etc, we are not friends biko….

  33. Exotique

    May 21, 2015 at 10:59 am

    @Friendwahala: I totally understand your fears. My cousin came home to renew her visa and had to practically cut off all her high school friends. Said they all sounded shallow and materialistic lol. She spent almost all of three months indoors on her laptop. My church understands the need to connect and has all these programs where people can connect based on location, interest, etc. Do not dread coming back since you have to. You will be fine. @Pretty: yea, funny how we find friendship and loyalty in unexpected places.

    • Tee

      May 21, 2015 at 4:35 pm

      Please what’s the name of your church, maybe I could attend one of your programs.

  34. heph

    May 21, 2015 at 11:31 am

    Esco i dont know if it was deliberate but i found the “I and my friend” part a little unexpected from you. and i realize no one brought it up.. anyways im new to the bellanaija comment world so thats that about that. Right from when i was in Jss2 and some “friends” told a senior that i told them something bad about her and made me look bad(this senior Doyin was my role model, brilliant with madass vocabulary and command of grammar) to when i finally had a bestie and they piled up lies about how i was sleeping with 3 boyfriends and she believed them and cut me off(i didnt even have a boyfriend till uni) till ss3 when the parting gist about me was i “form” too much and never hung out with them cos i was feeling too cool(My dad locked me in the house like d disney character with the long hair and never allowed me socialize, i explained this a billion times but they tot i was lying). Uni had me with 6 friends who scattered my room one day cos dey said i stole dier clothes, chicken from dier pots and dier dettol (one of them’s bf was liking me, i never even knew cos he never even showed or expressed it, this was 300L) till when one tried to snatch my bf( i didnt love him,,but did i ask her to take him off me egbami)….on and on and on gosh i cannot count..i promised to never have friends but 2015 i promised to try but this time with open eye. @mz socially awkward some of us may not be destined to friendship no matter how forgiving or communicative we are and how hard we try.. maybe we’re just meant to die with our husbands and children and co workers and “lives we may have touched” at our funeral..not friends

  35. Glowing Sapphire

    May 21, 2015 at 11:57 am

    “To have a friend, one must show himself friendly”…Truth is, what true friendship hangs on is majorly openness, forgiveness, humility and a willingness to always forgive. Room for sweeping wrongs under the carpet, never really pays on the long run.
    Some people we see as potential friends may stick up their nose in the air as an attitude because they see you like them, ignore their acts and move on, A few others might want to truly come around you, be kind and all, compatibility in lifestyle definitely might be an issue. Time, overall is a factor in building solid friendships, but there are just some that happen because you were both honestly vulnerable enough to open up about private lives. This is really what makes any friendship blossom, as long as no party is holding back.

  36. memebaby

    May 22, 2015 at 8:41 pm

    this friend matter isn’t easy… i’ve never been that girl to have a “clique” or be in one..i had some friends in high school.. left the country and found ourselves in canada..and same uni which felt good..now we are done with uni and are living in different provinces.. it is tough!.. I moved back to join my family in the city and can’t do anything during the weekend because I don’t have friends..my mom is probably tired of me.. I have decided on going to see movies alone lol no time oo. I considered attending a nigerian church in toronto but all that wahala to wear cloth is too much..catholic churches has no stress..part of me wishes I studied in the GTA.. I would have known more people.. It gets lonely shopping alone and going to see movies..maybe i should get a boyfriend..no ? lol

  37. olabisi

    July 25, 2015 at 5:08 pm

    I want to make new friends,i’m not all social,not a party person per say, I love inspirational programme, want to volunteer and touch the lives of people with the little that I have……lastly I enjoy transparency

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